Weekly journal entries are difficult to keep up with but extremely beneficial!

     Journal:
     An eventful first week of not having a job! Feels so much longer than a week (that's a good sign that you're doing things right). Well the week started off slow with lots of time on the computer putting things on ebay and getting the car ready for Adam (he still hasn't contacted me about it yet though. I need to turn the plates in then I can't drive it around). On Wednesday though I broke my stasis and meet up with the couchsurfers again. That infusion of energy was worth the effort, and I was able to crash at Claire's place and avoided the rain. Next day I pedalled through a snow storm to hang out with Sandra and then to see Noah. I also bid farewell to my ol' boss Gretchen. Friday was another computer day. Saturday I got a bit stressed out as I was late leaving my home to see my mentee by -three- hours. As punishment, the wind was against me and I got a flat tire and this $10 mp3 player I got hardly works but whatever! I made it to Jordan and we had a great final meeting. I'm gonna miss that kid, but I think he'll be okay.
     I got a flat tire (see story) on the way back. Next day I made it to Richard to say goodbye (and reflected how much energy I poured into helping him-it was rough sometimes. The world needs a lot of help). Afterwards I spent a wonderful evening with Claire, then we had our long planned Monday adventure! Unfortunately we got distracted in her bed and only spent an hour at the Peabody but it was still great!! After dinner we went to the poetry reading where Rosalyn met us (see story). We all walked to Claire's house afterward were Rosalyn sort of imposed on Claire for a place (I took Claire aside and asked her myself). She didn't mean to, but Rosalyn didn't seem to understand at the time how putting yourself in a tough/risky position in front of people that care about you kind of compels them to act. Anyways, we went to what was left of the Of Montreal show (Got in for free, thanks Beej!) which was cool, then went to a 24-hour hot bar and just talked about stuff, like the situation earlier, for a couple hours. It took some time but she seemed to understand and accept my point of view. That was good.
     Because the talk went so well we sort of reconnected there and plan to see each, probably just one last time, soon. We walked together through the cold deserted streets of New Haven at about 4am back to Claire's safe and warm abode. There is a big difference between being out in the cold and in a warm space just like there is a big difference between being out in the open and sleeping behind a closed and latched door.


     Reflection:
     This week, I read an article that expressed the idea that men are being held-back by traditional forms of masculinity. The article wasn't that well written or anything, but I was surprised at how defensive and rude several of the comments were (and it is worthy to note these are facebook connected comments, so no anonymity!) I'll have a link to the article here and you can find all my comments if you want, but I'm just going to copy/paste some of my favorite thoughts here. First, the article:
http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/what-means-to-be-a-man/958158/

     "Mr. Haltiwanger here isn't saying Men should be more feminine. He's saying those terms themselves are outdated and we should drop ridiculous notions that "women do laundry" and "men get in fights."

Think about it like this: There is nothing inherently feminine about doing laundry. Not only can any man operate a washing machine, they too also need their clothes to be cleaned.
Vice versa, there is nothing inherently masculine about fighting. Women can become enraged and angry and fight too. Youtube it if you don't believe me.
The reason those two things, and everything else that does, fall under femininity or masculinity is because of how we are socialized, not because of some inherent genetic pre-disposition.
And we can all agree we're not cavemen any more right?

As for expressions of emotion, this too is not inherently masculine or feminine. We learn what are acceptable ways of expressing emotion and some men are taught not to express it at all.
Ever had a shitty day, then talked to a friend about it, and felt a little better?
Well, some guys out there never talk about it. Now I'm not saying that because of never expressing themselves those guys are just one flat tire away from snapping or something, but I am positing that it has some effect on them and that it's not positive.
Put it another way, let's say there's a man out there that is so moved by something he has seen, whether it's his child taking their first steps or a double-rainbow, that he weeps tears of joy. Well some people think this makes him less of a man (and I think that's preposterous).
Now let's say one of those men that thinks crying will make him him less of a man sees his child's first steps, and he is emotionally moved, but because he believes he can not express his emotions, he shuts himself off from them. Now that's what I call manly! Well actually no it is not, but some might. Whatever you call it though, this man is missing out on feeling an experience in life, and that is tragic.
How being shut off from ones own emotions affects someone is up to each individual, as [was] said about our multi dimensionality of experience. However, imagine that some men (not ALL men) shut off from their emotions learn that it is okay to "fuck" and they can get all of their emotional needs (that they don't understand or admit they have) from that. Well is it any wonder that violence against women is so prominent with these kinds of ideologies roaming around?"


     "People, women included, are attracted to other people that have traits or characteristics that they wish to learn or admire. Women do not want to be submissive and docile, they want to be just like anyone else, equal. Women are attracted to this domineering sort of behavior because they want to learn how to be like that. They already know how to be compassionate and etc.

Of course, if you only look at someone’s physical characteristics when determining attraction (i.e. objectifying them) then traits and characteristics and interests and passions and favorite colors don't matter, do they?"

 
     " "I do believe that this mentality, the mentality that men must be strong silent warriors that have no emotion, is truly holding us back."

Now let's be clear, that traditional image of a man as a strong silent warrior is great, and there's nothing wrong with promoting that or for boys to seek to become that as they grow, but there are two problems:

1. Not every boy needs to be a strong silent warrior. There are many mature and complete human beings that boys can look up to and seek to emulate. Einstein, Beethoven, Shakesphere, Jesus Christ! None of these men were the Strong Silent Warrior but they were all amazing and contributed to the world greatly. If we say to every boy that they must be like the Strong Silent Warrior, we stifle those that may have been able to become a great scientist, humanitarian, artist, etc.

2. We do need warriors however. War is an unfortunate reality in our world and without any warriors how will we as a people survive? I believe it is this thought that other ideas, such as, "[The strong silent warrior mentality is] the reason humanity has, thus far, succeeded" come from. If we did not have any Strong Warriors then we would be defeated by evil forces. But I ask you, what is the difference between a "Good" warrior and an "evil" warrior. Is it just "Us" vs. "them"?
Well I believe that a "Good" warrior has more than just the fist, he has the heart as well. A "good" warrior has morals and a code of honor and ethics. He does not wantonly engage in destruction, he defends that and those which are precious to him when he must. It is this group of people that I suppose we can agree upon which has brought humanity this far.
But now I ask you, how does one create a "good" warrior instead of an "evil" one? Well, there is definitely no one answer, but our morals come from our emotions. We have empathy and sympathy for others because we can feel it! Compassion, love, care; all emotions! If one has no emotions at all, what is to stop them from using their strength to take what they want from whomever?

I say, men should be strong. I say, women should be strong too. I say, no one need be silent. I say, let those who seek to be warriors be warriors, and let those that choose another path go their own way. And I say, warrior or otherwise, men should feel their emotions and understand them: But still remain ready to defend themselves and their loved ones and their countries from any and all threats.

I say, a true man sheds tears for his enemies as they fall, because he understands that we are all brothers, but still does what must be done to live."


     Story:
     So on my way through Orange coming home I get my second flat tire of the day. Awesome. It's about 8pm Saturday night and it's pretty cold and I'm just on the side of route 1 with a flat tire and a couple pieces of fruit in an unseasonable pair of track pants. So what do I do but start walking, of course. As I make my way towards New Haven, and then onward to the folks' home in Guilford, I send out some texts. I need to be back in New Haven in the morn anyways, so it'd be cool to just crash somewhere. But as luck would have it, it's Saturday night and everyone is busy or not responding! I leapfrog from one air pump to the next, the tire deflating faster each time, but after one station's air pump was broken and the next didn't have one, my need for safety and warmth became greater than my need for adventure, and I sent my mother a text... Next thing I knew father was on his way to get me.
     *Sigh* Calling upon the parents help because you didn't prepare enough/didn't have enough connections/weren't strong enough/got super unlucky really feels like a defeat. But what can I say, there's a cost to pushing yourself so hard and I didn't want to pay that (My Sunday woulda been f'd!) As I waited for my father though, proving once again to me that things happen for a reason, I wandered into that new place I found last week, Neverending Books. Figured I'd check it out and warm up. Sure enough, there were some kind people inside and I met and talked with the owner Roger, who seemed very cool. He told me about a poetry reading, that I was then determined to attend.
     So continuing the trend, I hitched a ride back to New Haven with my mom as she went into work the next morn (so much for not needing cars). I hung out at Archie Moore's a bit before heading out. I met up with Claire and we ended up having a real nice time grocery shopping and getting lunch. After Richard we also had a nice evening making dinner together, and had one of Claire's neighbours over too. Cool!
     So I got high and had an amazing time, as usual, with Claire eating cheese and crackers and avacado. I was so inspired ideas were just pouring out of me onto the pages of my notebook. I didn't want it to end! But it was our goal to go to the Peabody (plus it just wouldn't be as memorable if we didn't make it) so we eventually ripped ourselves outta bed to go! We were there for less than an hour but it was an awesome hour! Most importantly, I learned I want to get high and go to as many museums as possible in my travels! What a great idea! Museums will help keep me inspired and learning.
     So after dinner and preparing Claire and I headed to the Poetry reading. After a bit they got started, and it was amazing. People were sharing ideas and talking to each other. The energy was peaceful and inspiring. I not only shared a poem (see below) but shared a story, another poem, and a reflection! Actually it is because there was another man there who was clearly on a different level. He went up and gave the background to the poem, then spoke it. I felt this gave a deeper meaning to his poem, or at least helped us understand it better, as his words came fast and were deep! (Like I said, he was on another level)! There was also a group meditation, which I had no idea what to think of before but recognize now as a spiritual event of togetherness. I do not know what to make of it yet, but I know it is something I would like to be able to be a part of. This was such an amazing experience, I plan on seeking places like Neverending Books and poetry-readings along my way, sharing and experiencing words. These places are the museums of the spirit!


     Poetry:
     Here's the poem I read first at Neverending Books! This is a poem I wrote on Thanksgiving. I was seeing my family as a new being, and feeling very inspired about just about everything that was going on with me. I was reflecting on ideas in society, and how they're not all ideas you want to have, and how we buy into them (or some of them) anyways. So with the poem I was kind of trying to make a connection to how we buy too many things too, and just pay out to anything that's sold to us, and in return we have both clutter in our space and in our minds. We are then constantly trying to sort useful from useless crap and get the most for our money from purchases that were a mistake, so we never get rid of anything because we don't want to have wasted our money or our time/brain power on these things and ideas. We hold on to them as tightly as possible and thus stagnate, and stop improving and growing, and thus never reach our full-potential. Still a working title:

     "We Buy our Lives."

     We don't have to buy
     everything that's sold to us.
     It is not all useful
     or worth the trade
     for our space.
     This clutter we live with
     gets in our way
     more than we know.

     We don't have to have
     everything they say we need.
     It is not for anyone else
     to tell you
     what you should seek.
     So many things
     we can survive just fine
     doing without

     We don't have to accept
     every gift that is offered.
     It is not all as free
     and devoid of any cost
     as it appears.
     We still must pay
     with our hearts and our souls
     or someone does.

     We don't have to believe
     everything they tell us.
     It is within our own power
     to choose the path
     that is right to take.
     Some directions we are given
     will lead us down
     a road we do not wish to walk.

     We don't have to follow,
     every command ordered to us.
     It is our choice to speak
     when told
     to be silent.
     For it is we who regret
     being silent
     when we should have spoken.

     We don't have ourselves if
     everything is decided for us.
     It is our freedom
     that allows us to be
     who we are.
     To have freedom
     we can not
     be controlled.

     We don't have control when
     everything we do and want is an impulse.
     It is our onus
     to reflect and think
     upon our actions.
     If we can not say that we are awake
     can we truly say
     that we are alive?