Monday, February 23, 2015

We are what we do.


     Journal:
     I am thankful I received this idea when I did. It is fitting to begin this blog now, just during my final week of normalcy as a New Englander. The main purpose of this blog is to record my journey. However, this time leading up to my departure is also an important part of my story. Just in case anyone chances upon this and begins reading, here's a quick background of who I am:
     I am a Twenty-eight year old white male who has lived in USA, Connecticut in the New Haven area my whole life. I went to a local state university for Elementary Education. I moved out of my parents' house and into an apartment with my then girlfriend of 6 years and soon asked her to marry me. I also acquired a position as a traveling science teacher and another job as a mentor. That lasted for a while, about 2 years, but when 2014 came along everything changed. After several momentous and turbulent months, in August of that year, I decided I would change the direction of my life. I would quit my jobs, sell all (most) of my possessions, and ride my bicycle into the sunset, with the goal of living on the road and seeing and experiencing my country. I broke the engagement with my fiancĂ©e Kara and decided to work through the winter, live out my lease, and prepare for this life-change. However, just from making these decisions my life completely changed, and the last couple months have been just as momentous as the ones that came before them. I loved and I lived and I grew. I start this blog now one week before I quit my jobs, less than two months before I leave, in the midst of my struggle to prepare and, ultimately, let go.
     So anyways! During this past week, I worked and drove quite a bit (300+ miles), but was fortunate enough to train in Muay Thai several times. I saw my old friends at a comedy club, but our time catching up was unfortunately short, due to all the "comedy." I also met, by way of sheer coincidence that is making me question the meaning of the word, an amazing man named Blake. He was a part of Rob's (an old pal from High School) Tai Chi group, and when I barged in on them at the Atticus bookstore (because I saw Rob from the street) I realized he was speaking at the same level as me, using the same words, about the same things. Spirituality, where our race is headed, being "awake." This man said many things, not all of which I can remember, unfortunately. One thing that stands out, is he said, "I can tell, just from looking at your, that you are more spiritually advanced than everyone here!" I am not sure how I feel about that just yet, but I do feel that I am moving on the right path.
     Finally of note, the most passionate woman I have ever had the joy of being in the presence of is moving on from me. For some reason, I imagined that none of the connections I made would be done with me until I was just about to leave. Guess that was my ego talking haha. I feel so fortunate, that because of who I am and strive to be, I am able to still keep a loving relationship with this woman.
     At the end of this week, I will have quit both my jobs. While I cannot wait for this long-awaited step, I realize that this work was not as bad as I began to believe it was. I've let the stress and the tedium fill my mind and block my positive emotions. There is much to love about my Science Teacher and Mentoring job. The cold, the long hours, the repetition, the stress, the traffic the traffic the traffic; all these things created mental blocks in my mind that even now I cannot overcome. Regardless, what I need now is time, and as for my previous employment, it is time to move on.
     Perhaps the greatest boon to all of these changes is the feeling of control I have over my life. I feel in complete control over my destiny. I am no longer at the whims of some employer deciding to hire me. I am no longer pressured to run in this race Connecticutians call life. I am leaving. I'm packing my bags. It is a very freeing feeling!


     Reflections:
     We are the sum of our experiences. Every moment in our life we are learning. From the moment we are born, to the best of our brains ability, we begin to take in and note information from the world around us. Over time we build up knowledge of our world. This process does not end after childhood however.

     What we do with our time makes up who we are. Everything we were in the past has led us to the present, to who we are now. We must think about the person we want to become. If we spend our time doing things that are meaningless to us or that we hate, we will feel our lives are meaningless and hate what we do. Why do people do things they hate or feel are meaningless? Because they feel they are stuck. People have to learn how to live. Some learn to live a certain way and no other, and if that path leads them to a Dead-End of growth, they don't know how to back-up and change or re-learn things, even if they truly want to. Our "life-style" is us applying what we have learned throughout our years. People have unhealthy, superficial, or what-have-you life-styles because they never learned any other way to live.

     I have spent too much time turning myself off, going into an unfeeling, dulled, and disconnected auto-pilot as I moved through the monotonous stress of my day. Who would I become, being subjected to this every day? I would become the world around me of course. I would become the angry driver. I would become the stressed out teacher.I would become the jaded cynic. I would become tired, and I would sleep, all day, as I drove and walked and taught. I would have forgotten why I started the path I strode in the first place. I would have been lost. I would have become a product of my environment and the sum of my own experiences. Experiences that I, apparently, "choose" for myself.

     As what I do with my time changes, so too will I change. As I ride, I must reflect deeply and eventually decide what to do with my time next.


     Story:
     Sandra and I got together to check out the Chinese New Year Parade. We were both hungry so we were going to get something to eat too. We decided we should smoke first before going into downtown to eat and view the parade. I parked us at the dog park to indulge in her cannabis but was surprised by the amount of traffic there during the day. Scrambling my thoughts, I decided it best if we headed to a more woodsy location to smoke. I automatically just moved (sub-consciously? Guided by something?) to the base of East Rock, with a perfect view of my old View Street house, where I grew up from ages two (or so) to ten. Sandra and I walked to the old house and back, me experiencing a torrid of flashbacks along the way (her just experiencing cold). I don't think I would normally make the decision to get high and walk around a playground, so this experience could only have happened with a lady in company. Thank you Sandra.
     We didn't end up finding the parade. We barely made it 5 blocks through the cold to Claire's Cornercopia, where Sandra began to feel ill, so we took our food to-go and I brought her home.


     Poetry:
     This was written to a gal on okcupid by the screen name of: "afineyoungchang"
     Her entire profile was really good poetry, so I decided to write her a poem to say hi.
     She, of course, didn't respond.
     Oh well, I can change "chang" to "woman."
     I'll call it:

     "Online Dating"

     A fine young time we are having on here,
     enjoying our youth connecting with a peer,
     who strikes our fancy, but only one near,
     and only one that gives no reason to fear,
     what they may be hiding, underneath their airs.

     A fine young fruit, many men seek,
     hunting for one lower and meek.
     Still others in reality dare not peek,
     they hide here so their weaknesses not reek.
     And many a user just looks for their fellow geek.

     A fine young man I strive to become,
     I'm here to find connection and make a chum.
     Soon I'll be traveling through city and wood and slum.
     I feel my heart rouse as I dream of my adventure to come.
     Can you give me one more reason to remember where I am from?

     A fine young chang, oh smile to me!
     A message from you is all I wish to see!
     The reason you ask, well I will tell you firstly,
     your words, your words, your words, yes it was your poetry!
     I hope the feeling is mutual, though perhaps not to the same degree?