Am I a MAN yet?

     Journal:
     Leaving on a journey is not a new experience. As one fellow traveler poetically told me, "Living on the road is an old way of life." It is interesting though how technology can and has impacted this. While I personally have chosen to avoid using a GPS or smart phone, however useful those tools would be, I still opt to occasionally check my facebook and google maps, and update my blog.
     If you have not had this experience, I can not tell you how surreal it feels being utterly and completely alone in the woods one night, then logging into facebook the next day to see what everyone is up to.
     On the one hand, it's nice to be able to know that my friends and family that I left behind are safe. I suppose that in the past, travelers would have an undying sense of worry, never really knowing how their loved ones were doing, until the invention of the telegraph. Now though, I can see a picture of my mother having wine and cheese on a kayak at the lake she lives at—in real time if I'm sitting at the computer. How amazing is that!?
     On the other hand, a part of me doesn't want to know. A part of me doesn't want to see everyone's worlds passing by normally and happily, without me a part of it. Sure, I could leave a comment and sure, I could even chat with people on their, but that doesn't change the face that I'm not part of their lives anymore. I knew, of course, that this was what I was choosing in leaving, but knowing and experiencing are two different things. Many of us tend to forget that.

     Now I'd just like to say that I do try to put on a brave and friendly face. However, I'll admit to you now that I am tired, sore, really dirty, lonely, and occasionally scared. I'll admit that I definitely would not have made it this far if not for the love that I feel every day from my loved ones back in Connecticut. I'll admit that I would have made it this far if I had not encountered so many kind and amazing people on my journey so far. Every smiling face I encounter boosts my morale and that has been especially crucial. If you are one of the many many people that has simply spoken to me, smiling and interested, and are reading this now—Thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you.
     Now I'd like to say, beyond the face, that I will not turn around no matter what. No matter how tough it gets, no matter how many difficulties I encounter, nor how miserable I am, ever, I will not turn around. I will die before I do that. I swear I will.
     This blog is important to me. I give it to people not in some vain attempt to gain fame and notoriety, but because knowing that there are people I have met along the way that are inspired by me inspires me right back to keep pushing myself to do what I am doing. I've got about 300 miles from here to my next destination, Asheville. I hope I can do that in 5 days, getting to Asheville on Monday, just in time for another post. Guess we'll see how I do. Let's hope that North Carolina is as good to me as Virginia was (once I got past Fredricksberg. North of there was rough).
     Sorry there's no story this week. Lots of amazing things happened in Richmond and I met many amazing people there and through all my travelings in the beautiful state of Virginia, but unfortunately my heart is just not in a narrative mood right now. Besides, I've got to get started on this stretch! Hmm, main roads are a surer and faster shot, but back roads are nicer. On the other hand, it's easy to get lost or hit some kinda dead-end, and riding becomes really hard when you don't know if you're going the right way or not. Cycling is just like life in that way—when you know you're going the right direction, applying yourself is easy!


     Advice:
     Whether I am qualified to give advice or not I do not know, but saw a younger man on facebook expressing how I used to feel years ago and decided to share just a bit of what I've learned with him. This is what I wrote:

     I always wanted to ride my bicycle across the country. It was a long time dream of mine that I always said, "someday" to. Well, recently, I made it happen. I'm currently in a little library in Henderson, North Carolina, and I've got riding to do to find a safe place to sleep tonight.

     There was a time, however, when I felt like you Mr. So-and-so. Incompetent, worthless, weak... I can't tell you how to get from that to here, that's up to you to figure out—it's your path after all, not mine—but I can tell you that it is possible, and give you a couple tips (that worked for me).

     Firstly, it's all about how much you want. I don't really know you or what you want to do, but whatever it is, you have to choose: That, or the various other things in life you have. For me, I had to let go of everything to do this. I quit my jobs, sold my collections of thigns, said goodbye to my friends and family, people I loved (there's still facebook though lol, thanks technology).

But the point is that was all a CHOICE. I chose to subject myself to the elements, to nights of loneliness, to an uncertain future, because I wanted this. That's the difference between success and failure. It's what you choose, and you choose what you want. If you want to live in your parents attic and play video games with your friends most of your life and scrape by on whatever meager earnings you get (that's who I was) then that's what you are gonna choose.

I decided I wanted more than that. I decided I wanted to be more than that. Now I'm here.
Whether I will be or not is yet to be seen, but I'm working towards it, and that, I think, I hope, is the point.

Decide what YOU want, then put your everything into it. Succeed or die.

     That's pretty harsh though, right haha? The other piece of advice is, after you decide what you want, take little steps towards it. If you want to be an Olympic swimmer, but currently don't know how to swim, don't try to swim across Long Island Sound straight away. You'll drown. Open your mind to the relevant information you need and begin working up your skills and knowledge at whatever it is. For me, I always rode my bike whenever I could. Then I started riding my bike to work, getting about 20-40 miles a day. Then I rode my bike to Brooklyn, which was 91 miles. Then I rode to Montreal, which was 360 miles. Then I challenged myself to get to Boston, 165 miles, in two days. I actually just passed the 1000 mile mark today on this journey, and I'm pretty excited about that.
Good luck figuring it out brother. There are an incomprehensible number of paths that each of us can take in life. I say, choose the one that you can look back on with no regrets. If you don't know what path that is... Well that's what you need to figure out!
(I suggest traveling. It'll give you perspective and knowledge that you didn't even know you needed, but that's just me).

     Poetry:
     Firstly, here is a poem that I did not write. It was on a Freedom is Not Free memorial in the town of Lunenburg, Virginia. I stopped there to rest on Memorial Day. I paid my respect, played the harmonica a bit, and left my map of Virginia by the monument. My camera was dead, otherwise I'd of taken a picture. I'm in the midst of writing my own poem about my experiences in Virginia, but it's not done yet so here is this for now:

     Day is done
     gone the sun,
     from the lakes
     from the hills
     from the sky
     all is well,
     safely, rest
     God is near.

     Fading light,
     dims the sight,
     and a star gems the sky
     gleaming bright,
     from afar,
     drawing, near,
     falls the night.

     Thanks and praise,
     for our days,
     neath the sun
     neath the starts,
     neath the sky,
     as we go,
     this, we, know,
     God is near.

     Secondly, I visited the Richmond Art Museum and saw this piece:

     It moved me to tears, and I took that feeling and wrote this poem.
     As always, thank you for reading, and feel free to share a thought or comment!

     "Befitting of Nature"

     Would that I could sculpt you of bronze
     Your face, perfection, with reality bonds
     my hand, never in want, yet never she fawns
     Caress, that moment, the heart again dawns.

     And would that your hair I could cast of silver
     Poor imitation—no way to feel her
     Speckle of your magnificence—constructed metal glitter
     Still of worthiness—placed atop tallest pillar.

     And would that I could chisel you a body of marble
     Your dots, your lines, yours curves, no longer novel
     My thoughts, my needs, my wants, all now noble
     Our play, our dance, our embrace, eternally immobile.

     Would that I could have you for all of time
     Sweet safe illusion—to behold one as mine
     Paths we walk—beating of life in rhyme
     'Twas only there and then were I truly alive.

     Would that I could create you such masterpiece
     Vainly sign my name in some small niche
     Nay! This replica... Your skin was softer than fleece
     though cold and hard, my gaze it shan't release.

     Would not that I could craft of you what is known
     though memories fade away and are gone
     for love need not be captured in stone
     'tis always free—to fly from your heart—into mine own.


     Pictures:

 Takin' a break on my way to Richmond.
I'm more tired than I look.
The flies there didn't let me nap though.

 One of the coolest places in Richmond is Belle Isle!
For my CT friends, think East Rock but waaaay more easily accessible.
There's this cool bridge leading to it.
Lots of people are there hiking, swimming, and just chillin' out!

 What the heck are these!?
I'll stick with mulberries haha.

 The landlord of the kind dudes in the background here did not share their same spirit of Southern Hospitality.
Quite passive-aggressive for a Southerner, no?

 

My view from my tent after I left Richmond.
Lookin' out over that river, I blew into that Harmonica through the night!

Guts back. Buts not for long.

     Story+Reflection:
     Years ago, driving home down some back roads in Milford, CT, I witnessed a squirrel run right underneath the tire of the car directly in front of me. The car bounced ever so slightly, break lights blinking momentarily, then carried on. I pulled over and watched the life leave from the animal. It made a pitiful high-pitched noise, rolling to its side as blood and some indiscernible liquid poured from a crack along its skull. It twitched. It arched its back. It died. I moved the dead creature to the bushes, spoke a word, stood in silence, then carried along my commute as well.

     Yesterday, at the Sherwood Regional Library in Alexandria, Virginia, a kind librarian waived the $2 computer fee when she learned of my journey. Another kind librarian offered me some sandwiches, and both gave me many supportive words.

     I veer slightly left, to avoid rolling over the rotted husk of some unknown animal.

     As I eat lunch upon a bench, a man named Ed walks by and inquires as to my baggage. He is amazed at my story and offers lots of route advice. Having difficulty explaining the complex Virginia roadways, he drives off, only to soon return with a map of Virginia, which he hands me.

     Another squirrel, its eyes pushed out of its sockets. How would I look, I wonder, if my skull were crushed under the spinning cauterized rubber, perpetually jetting past my port side.

     I return to a cafe I visited earlier to chill out and perhaps meet and talk to people. As I do, a nearby family leaves abruptly, leaving behind several untouched pieces of delicious looking cake. I help myself.

     Contrary to the worldview one might develop from watching the nightly news, the world is filled with good and kind people. Some people want to help, but can not. Some people can only help so much. Some people just won't. But if you truly need help and present yourself in a way that shows you aren't some bum trying to take advantage of people—that you are actually working towards something—then chances are you are going to find the help you need. In the month since I've left home, I have lost count of the number of people that have offered some small offering or aid in some way. Perhaps a true saint of a man would not think this, but my logical mind can not help but offer me an idea: You could mope around like this forever. Under the guise of some greater goal, I could just live like this indefinitely, relying on the kindness of strangers, as it is said. At some unclear point, however, this reliance changes from a heartfelt endeavor to just taking advantage of people. That is definitely not what I want. That is definitely not okay. I want to grow and learn. Every day is a lesson—if I don't learn mine, then I haven't gotten anywhere.

     As I sped down the Mt. Vernon bike path, at the last moment I saw a squished baby turtle, which I too ran over. Though it was not I who killed it, it would have, if it'd been alive. I stopped, laid my bicycle on the ground, and moved the poor critter to the brush, where it could decompose in peace. Sometimes the difference between life and death is looking ahead just a couple yards.
   
     I can only accept so much food, so many nights on a couch, so many passes of a joint, so much kindness from someone until I feel like I am taking advantage of them. With that in mind, I do my best to give back at every and any opportunity I can. Similarly, I can only accept so many gifts from the universe until I feel like I am taking too much. When you take advantage of people, they resent you for it. When you take advantage of the universe, what happens?

     I'm cruising south down Route One which is disappointingly the same everywhere. The walls of chain stores and other business obscure the remaining bit of marshland or whatnot which they were built upon. This gives the illusion of a metropolis, but it is actually just a 2,377 mile strip of varying levels of development. No matter where I've been on it so far though I have experienced similar trials. Nails, glass, no bike lane to speak of, occasional sidewalks that were obviously built as an afterthought when someone realized people walk there. It is biking Hell.
     Speeding downhill, I notice just ahead a sudden impediment. The road suddenly breaks away into a crag about 2-3 inches thick. Not much, and certainly not a death pit, but enough to ruin any cyclists day.
The cars are flying just to my left and I've no where to go.
Can't stop, going too fast down this hill, at least 22 mph.
Shit.
Adrenaline enters the bloodstream.
Legs are superfluous now—my arms tense as I grip my handle bars as strongly as I can.
I hit the uneven pavement and my bike totters left.
Fuck.
Lean right
LEAN RIGHT
FUCK. FUCK!
A white sedan breezes past, unaware of their potential of ending my life if I lose that thread of balance, sending me right under their tires.
Turn right turn left steady hold it hold it fffffff lean hold it lean into the bump—
I'm past it.
Dodge a couple more nails down the hill and coast to a stop at an abandoned Hess station.
I need a break...

     How do we give back to the universe? How do we balance what we take? Well, there are a couple ways, but they're all simple. Work hard. Learn and grow. Help people do the same. Karma is an observable phenomenon. When we take more than we give back, there is a force that will bring things to balance. Yet the things we want are everywhere. We have to learn to say no; to decline an offer, to turn away from temptation. If I always get what I want how will I grow? I need to need less. I want to need less. I'm moving from point A to an uncertain point B, but the whole point of that is to pursue my greater goals of improving myself, in every way I can. If I'm not pursuing my goals, then what the fuck am I doing out here?

     Coming to the end of a trail, I slow down and am blasted with the odor of an open sewer. People jog and bike by too fast to catch it. The beautiful vista of The Potomac River is not quite ruined by the leak from the city's underbelly, so I stop to take in the moment. I have a new tool now, a cool green Harmonica. I practice for a bit until some people see my bags and ask me where I'm headed. I share my story, and ask them if they'll do me a favor and take my picture.
     Bike trails are like highways—no constant stops or threat of death, no bits of sharp objects to dodge or wear down my tires, just lots of people to watch out for. They can get in the way sometimes, and I've seen other cyclists scoff as they break due to some runner unawares of their presence, but I don't mind slowing down and smiling at everyone I pass. In fact, I sing loudly down the path, when I can, and occasionally make an acquaintance when a passing biker is attracted to my friendliness/lack of filter.

     I've written before, the energy we put out is the same we get back. Express positivity to people and they will likely express positivity back. The same is true for negativity. But we can choose how we respond. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we can give them the benefit of the doubt and wish them well. If someone doesn't hold the door for us on the way into a place, we can hold it for them on the way out anyways. If someone scoffs and doesn't want to help us, we can smile and say, "thanks anyway, have a nice day!" Whenever we observe someone do or say just about anything, there's usually more than one way to take it. If someone is being inconsiderate we can assume they are rude/don't care about others' needs or we can imagine they got caught up in whatever they're doing/are just unaware of others' needs. If someone says something that offends us, maybe they're trying to hurt us/make us angry, or maybe they're just wrong/communicating themselves poorly.
     These assumptions we make are more important than we know. Over time, they have a great effect on our perception of the world. If we always observe humans being negative—mean, rude, uncaring, apathetic—then we'll start believing that most people are that way. If we constantly observe the opposite—humans acting kind, considerate, with compassion and empathy—we'll believe that generally people are good and they mean well. I felt this happening to me spending so much time driving in Connecticut. Impatience, rudeness, apathy; people drive pretty cutthroat in traffic. It's probably the same everywhere. Observing that behavior so much though, it affects how you view people. I had to try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt all the time. I had to try really hard to see things positively. Finally, I had to leave.
     One of the things I'm searching for is a place where I can belong. A place that is an extremely positive environment which will propel me to push myself towards other endeavors and do my best. I want to surround myself my positivity. Our environment has a huge effect on us. Only by improving myself and improving the people and places I surround myself with can I truly succeed at whatever I choose to do in this life.

     I awaken in my tent. A wolf spider is watching me from the other side of the mesh top. All that remains of that large mosquito that was caught in it last night is the leg that was stuck. Sixty-four miles yesterday wasn't so bad, I'm not even sore. It was worth it going out of my way to this state forest I can legally camp at—I'm finally able to sleep in a bit. But my many thoughts flowing through my mind awaken me all too early regardless. Can I face them here? Have I come far enough yet? Have I earned my place?
     I pack it all up and guide Lionheart back to the road.
     I wish I could avoid it, but I know deep down I can't. All the roads here lead back to route 1.
     Swinging my leg up and around, I push off, but I don't get far until a huge turtle is staring at me from the middle of the road. I stop traffic and move the confused tortoise to a safe place in the nearby wood, then ride on, receiving and affirming nod from the patient driver.
     The crushed and splattered carcasses of other turtles I did not ride by in time only remind me of where I'm heading. A raging river of metal, imperceptible shards of glass, camouflaged nails, and varying sizes of holes. These are the obstacles along my path. I take the right turn and hug my strip of death and garbage, ready to navigate through both. I'm on my way to Richmond—a cool gal I met in Baltimore lives there. She gave me her number. Maybe we'll meet up, maybe we won't. Regardless, I'll have to make that decision again, as I did this morning, as I did a month ago, to say no to safety and love and food and fun, and return to this hell on the side of the road.
     It gets easier each time.


     Thought-Process:
     These are literally my thoughts as I was riding the other day. They go along with some of the writing above. Most days my thoughts are not so intense (though potentially just as introspective). Moral and motivation are greatly affected by our state of mind, and I was definitely in a rut that day, failing to apply myself to the level that I know I am capable of—the level I need to achieve to, y'know, do what I'm doing. As I rode I worked through my thoughts, emotions, and mental blocks and eventually, over the course of a few hours and about 60 miles, came out on top. I had pulled over to write them down as I felt this mental grappling would be worthy to revisit. Keep in mind, most of these "thoughts" are more feelings/emotions that I tried to put into words.

Uncertainty in direction. Questioning purpose.
Inability to tap into drive. Energy low. Feeling slothful, lazy.
Why can't I push myself harder?
What's wrong with me?
Dead animals.
I almost die.
Bad Karma—accepted too many gifts without working for or earning them.
That's why I was led here, to this shitty road [Rt. 1].
See a homeless man asking for work. Watch him get harassed by a police officer.
Talk to him, try to help. Nothing I can do for him...
Supermarkets everywhere. I'm aware of my gluttony.
My right glove... I have to say no more often.
Wrong turn. Dead End. I'll explore it anyways, I want to know why.
That's right, I love exploring!
The discomfort becomes a block. Being tired, dirty, hungry/thirsty, etc.
Difficult to choose that over delicious food, new friends, weed, women...
But I must achieve my goals.
Remember my goals. Remember why I'm here.
[Some exciting music comes on my ipod]
I'm going to this state park. I am going to this state park.
I. AM. GOING. TO. THIS. PARK.
Big hill, legs are tired....
Fuck that, I can do it.
Hungry, thirsty...
Fuck that! I can do it!
Exhausted. At this all day...
NO! FUCK THAT! I CAN DO IT!
I. CAN. DO. IT.
Getting dark.
Fear.
Fear of danger, of unknown.
Fear can be a block too.
Sometimes it's good. Make use of fear to make the best decisions.
Don't ignore fear, but don't let it paralyze you either.
Remember your goals.
Remember what you want!
When things get confusing; just ride. Focus on the destination.
Put everything you have in the endeavor—so there are no questions.
No reason to hold back.
Nothing to distract ones focus.
No way to make excuses.
There it is.
There's my drive.


     Poetry:
     So I read some of my poems at a reading this week, and they were pretty well received.

     As you can see, I was reading them from my journal.
     After I read, a younger guy went up to recite his poetry, but he didn't have it written down. He ended up forgetting some lines and sat back down. He was also a teenager, and really nervous about talking in front of people.
     I'm not nervous at all! I don't even care if people like what I say I just want to hear what people think. So what's my excuse for not knowing them by heart?
     When speaking instead of reading, that alone instantly sends the message that what you're saying is truly a part of you, instead of words on trees. Also, you can emote more, and make hands gestures and stuff.
     So here is my latest poem. I memorized it already! Turns out it's pretty easy to memorize things while riding. Focus on the road and the words and that's it. The poem actually sounds better when I read it aloud and that makes me pretty pleased. I'm actually pretty proud with how this came out. As usual, tell me how it makes you feel or what you see!
     I plan to find a place to express myself in Richmond (:

     "Begin in Struggle"

     For on this bank upon these stones

     the river runs over and carries on

     'tis a masterpiece we tread upon

     each centuries crafted and honed

     to erode makes the water's own

     And across its never-ending flow

     in tendrils and knots vines do grow

     This living thing, I questions so

     Impassable thicket! How does one know

     to be so strong, which direction to go?

     As for the weak, they still thrive

     Monstrous creatures somehow alive

     Every hole, nook, corner they arrive

     Death so simple, yet each still strive

     Those that do, know how, to survive

     Now hear birds sing their cheery song

     Veritable chorus—others dancing along

     Alas! None found when season wrong

     Though 'tis bitter, though we long

     We can not fly! They are gone!

     Yet unlike rocks upon the shore

     We are not made immobile to bore

     Follow reason! Follow lore!
     Follow wisdom from heroes of yore!
     Hone yourselves—into something more!

     And unlike plants that remain still

     We have action! We have will!

     We determine what is good or ill

     So grow! Drink! Eat your fill!

     But always question before you kill

     For as the insect is unaware

     part of something greater, it does not care

     Same holds true in us, but do we dare

     reach beyond our stature, this Earthly snare

     and when we arrive, how will we fare?

     Scraps in the dirt, we push and we shove

     longing for sky and heavens above

     Safe, happy, free—all we dream of

     can only be wrought by us through love

     For all stories aught end in love.

     Pictures:

So far Virginia sucks for riding. The roads go back and froth calling themselves names and huge numbers, such as 718 or whatever. It's rather confusing and I've gotten lost several times.

 Can you see that sign? The answer is no, you can't, because they put a friggin' pole in front of it. No one can see the sign. Why even both making and placing a sign if it'll just be obscured from peoples' vision?
I usually don't rant as it expresses negativity but I just had to show people what I'm dealing with here.
When you've got a burning flame of anger within you to express, it is so hard to just let it go and choose positivity. How can we learn to do that?

I love my new harmonica.

All the Great Men are Dead.

     Story:

Sooooo I had gone to a club upon being invited there by a lady I met, but she left and I was just like fixing a thing on my bike on the side of the road, when a few people from the club (they probably saw me dancing) came over and one nice couple offered me a place to stay! I was planning on sleeping on a table at a park that seemed safe enough so I accepted the offer. The next day, they bring me to a party that's going on, which I have an awesome time at learning how to make pizza and stuff, but at 7pm they leave and I decide to stay. I didn't want to leave yet and even though all my stuff is back at their place and I have no idea where there or here is, whatever it'll be fine

And it was. I crashed there that night, and figured it out the next day. Just a 2 mile walk. I grabbed a loaf of bread and four oranges from their supply and headed out. So I'm walking down this street which happens to be a pretty nice road. It's right next to a river, so there's a couple really tiny wooded areas.

Then, I see a spot that calls to me. Y'see, I discovered on my very first night, that there are still many many magical places left in the world, they're just kind of hidden and you have to find them.

So there's this spot under a highway bridge, the river flowing under it, graffiti on the wall; I was drawn to it and sat down. When I saw a cardinal fly by, I knew I was supposed to be there. I opened my journal and wrote a poem

This isn't a poem I plan to share with a lot of people, so I won't share it here, sorry!

So I finish writing this poem and I'm actually about to go, when some dude comes strollin' down

At first I was a bit on guard 'cause it was like, just this random dude asking if I had any sort of thing to help him smoke his dabs which he'd apparently just found on the ground

But after chatting a bit he was cool so we went down closer to the river and smoked up together, 'cause why the hell not

So yeah his name was Kevin. He's lived in Baltimore for a couple years and he used to organize big EDM nights. He'd try to get lots of students from the local arts college when they arrived so the 18-20 year olds would know where to get alcohol from (him/his compatriots). One day a party got way outta hand and people like, threw some shit out of the window and it hit the power lines and took out the whole block, so that sort of ended his party endeavors

I forget what he said he did these days, but he was under the bridge with me specifically because living in the city, there are few places or chances for solitude in nature

Around the corner of rocks from there, if you follow the path along the river, there's a little cave that Kevin had found and started to clean up.

He plans to make it a place he can go to to think and train and etc.

I read him that poem, because maybe he was supposed to hear it, gave him one of my oranges, and continued on my way.

I was actually, supposedly, in a huge rush, as I had made plans to smoke on Edgar Allan Poe's grave with this cool couple I'd met

(It was my idea btw)

But my phone died and I don't want to rush ever really, so it was like, "Ah whatever I'll get high with Kevin and see what happens"

So I get lost trying to find where I'm going, eat the second of my oranges, leave a third orange next to a sleeping homeless man, and eventually see the signs to where I want to be and get there. As I approach the peoples' house there's a girl hanging around outside with a Hinduism sort of shirt on

I just say, "Nice shirt" to her and move towards the locked door.

She asks me about the code for getting into the building (It's an apartment building of sorts)

I assure her that I probably don't remember 'cause I don't live there either, but I try anyways. Neither of my guesses work, but then some other guy comes by, "Oh maybe this guy remembers!" "Remembers what?" And he scans a card which unlocks the door, and we all walk inside.

I catch up to her on the second floor. She has sat down on the ledge, clearly waiting. I was about to go maybe wait too (depending if anyone answered the door when I knocked) so instead I opt to wait/chill with this lady, if she'd like. "So, neither of us knew the code, so neither of us are supposed to be here. Why are you here?" She has a very cool air about her. Completely calm and peaceful. I like her already. Actually I liked her when I could vaguely make out her shape from a few blocks away as I approached the building in the first place, but anyways, she says, slowly and calmly, "Hmm. I used to live in Baltimore. It's good to be back here."

So this girl is super chill and I want to know more about her. I have one left. "Hey, want this orange or some bread?" "Hmm. I'll split the orange with you."

"...Wanna smoke some marijuana with me?" "Hmm. Sure."

She says her name is Emma. Using the stuff still leftover in the bowl from Kevin, we smoke a little together. She peels the orange and we share that too. We talk of cities and travel. I read her my poem about the cities, and she comes alive as she tells me of the places she's been. I'm drawn in to her energy. Looking into her eyes I can feel what she's feeling and every word, every place, is another unique emotion. I have to hold my heart in place. We talk of death and where we want to be. I read her my poem of death. She thanks me for it, and recalls suddenly that she wishes to go to British-Columbia. I tell her about my goals, and how to control yourself by controlling your wants. When I'm done, someone starts going into the room Emma needs to go into. I bid her adieu. I don't ask for a phone number or facebook or something. Not even the blog. I know that if we both want to see each other again, we will. It's the law of the universe. I can only control my half though, so maybe I won't see Emma again. I don't know and that's okay. Maybe we'll bump into each other in Vancouver.

So I knock on the 3rd floor door and am let in immediately (yessss)

There's a gal asleep on the couch, my stuff is in disarray, and I'm way high

It is now about 3pm, and I was supposedly going to smoke with Justine and Kory at Edgar Allan Poe's grave at 11am. Amid pacing, snacking, and other little high activities, I plug my phone in and catch up with them.

Apparently they had a fight and Kory is not responsive. Justine, however, is still down

I wanted to leave Baltimore the night before, but that "plan" changed when I stayed at a pizza party all night and slept in their warehouse/community center place. Now, the train I aught be taking to escape the city (I already bought the ticket. Long story) would be leaving at 4:10. There's another at 5:30, but that's not the bike train. Maybe they'd still let me on though... So I tell Justine that yeah I could still come but I might need like a place to stay. She says she can put me in her basement after her dad goes to work.

Okay, so that sounds kind of cool on the one hand... I'm going to smoke up with this cool girl at Edgar Allan Poe's grave, then sleep in her basement, or something. But Kory was supposed to be there and he was a cool guy; we really clicked! I really wanted to hang out with him! I guess they got into a fight? And now she wants to just hang out with me?

So I'm considering not going, when the sleeping lady wakes up and groggily asks, "Hey, do you have a light?" "Uhhh yeah. What're you gonna smoke with it?" With a why-are-you-asking sort of tone, "Uhm, weed?" "Oh cool, wanna smoke together?" Confused, she agrees. This is me making my decision. We have a nice conversation as I gather my things. She gives me some bread and I give her some Sun-dried Tomato and basil cheese dip. They go perfect together. I'd of loved to talk and smoke with Ms. Angela some more, but it is time for me to go. I thank everyone there for letting me stay and run out the door. The universe helps, and I make it to the train just in time. I get my bike secure and relax into the seat, but then I realize that I've forgotten something. My left hand has my biking glove on it, but my right hand is bare. Somehow, in my haste, I forgot my own right hand.

I was baffled. I remembered everything else. Every little item, all the little things that have meaning, but I somehow wasn't aware of my own right hand and just left it behind. This is a sign. This is a warning. It's a same weakness I've always had, since 8th grade running down the street to make the bus, forgetting my homework and lunch back home. I'm out in the world, and the stakes are higher now. I need to focus. I need to pay attention. If I'm so spaced out that I can forget my own right hand, that means I can forget absolutely anything. I think I'll ride around without a right glove for a while. It'll help me remember. When I'm certain that I've retained this lesson, I'm sure a glove will come to me.

     Reflection:
     Self-reflection is key. It is what separates us from the beasts; being able to learn. When we learn we can control ourselves. How does that work? We have a reason for everything we do. Everything we've learned through our lives has led to us being who we are now. That's why we're here, to learn. Once, there was a caveman who was sick. Another caveman was hungry and there was only one piece of fruit. The healthy caveman moved to eat the fruit. He wanted it and was hungry and that's that. But then, thought. My sick brother, when healthy, is the greatest hunter. He helps me get more food. I don't want him to die. I will give him this fruit to help him. In this way, and similarly likely stories, we as humans were able to claw our way up from living in the dirt and evolve our logical brain functions. This is a pretty simple example, but if we can research our past we can come to understand our own motivations, and thus have more control over them.
     Most importantly though, it's all about understanding our wants. What we want determines what we do. When you stop and think you are able to make a conscious decision, but how many times in a day do you do that? How often are you just on auto-pilot? Being on auto-pilot isn't bad thing per say, as it is just an easier state of being to be in. "Auto-pilot" sounds bad, but it's really just when we're thinking less and just acting however we feel. Having your mind be awake all the time is very energy consuming. However, the decisions we make while we are on auto-pilot are what dictate the quality of our lives. The way that I've found that we can control ourselves in this state of mind is by focusing our wants.
     For example, let us say that Charlotte is a smoker. She wants to stop, so she just doesn't buy any more cigs. Choice: Throw away the last of her cigs or keep them to ween herself off them? Truly there is no "weening," only doing, so whether Charlotte takes every step she can to move forward in this, or leaves some avenues for retreat, is an indicator of how much she really wants to quit.
     Next, Charlotte is at a party. She hit it off with a dude and wants to talk to him more. She sees him hanging around outside, so she goes out to talk to him, but everybody there is smoking. The smell, seeing others do it, being in that environment, the physical addiction inside, it all adds together and it's just too much. Charlotte bums a cig from someone.
     Now let's rewind. Let's say Charlotte did some self-reflection before the party, and when she sees the dude is outside, she also knows that if she goes outside she will smoke. She knows because she is in touch with herself and her limits. She doesn't necessarily accept that she will give in to temptation, but she knows that as she is now, she will succumb if she goes outside (and that's something to work on). Now there's a choice. Go outside, smoke, talk to dude or stay inside, don't smoke, and maybe talk to dude later but not now. What Charlotte picks is going to depend on one thing: What she wants more. Does she really want to quit smoking? Does she want to quit it enough? Does she want to quit more than she wants to talk with this dude? In that moment, she has to choose.
     Charlotte probably doesn't consciously think about it like this though. She's having fun at a party! She's completely on auto-pilot! And that's okay, "auto-pilot" is just acting on how we feel in the moment, and that's a good way to be too, sometimes. So it'll come down to whether Charlotte wants to quit enough. If she wants to quit with all of her will no matter what, then she will make every decision to not smoke and avoid temptation, and there is absolutely nothing in the world that can stop her from her goal. If she wants to quit but at the same time, enjoys smoking and just kind of wishes she didn't have to, she'll make a decision somewhere to accept temptation, If she wasn't actually serious about quitting—in other words, she doesn't really want to quit—then she'll smoke again the first chance that she can let herself get away with it. Maybe an excuse, "I had a rough day" or a rationalization, "just one won't make a difference" or a reward to keep themselves motivated, "I'm doing a good job, I earned one!" In any case, she's making the decision to not quit smoking.
     That's all life is, a series of decisions. These decisions are usually made to bring us closer to what we want or need. You see the McDonalds ad on the billboard and instantly your brain does a check, "Do you want McDonalds?" Depending on how you answer that, after weighing all the factors, which happens more or less sub-consciously in your mind, will determine whether you stop at the next McDonalds you see or not.
     However, if you can control your wants, you can control these decisions. "McDonalds is gross and under no circumstance do I want McDonalds." If you believe that then viola, the aggressive marketing campaign aimed at your stomach will have little to no effect on you. It works for anything, "Cigarettes are gross, I deserve better, I want to be healthy now and when I am older and I do not want a cigarette." If a smoker trying to quit just believed these words then it'd be really easy to just stop cold-turkey.
     Everybody's mind is different. How you come to adopt new beliefs is up to you and the labyrinth you have up there. I don't know how to get any particular smoker to believe that sentence right there. That's up to them and their mind. However, I know that if they do believe that, they will stop smoking. I also know that any smoker will not stop smoking if they believe anything around the realm of the inverse of the original statement: "Ah, I looooove cigarettes. The burn feels great. Being healthy is good but I want to smoke now. I'm worried about when I'm older but whatever the cost is I'm willing to pay it because right now, I want a cigarette."


Poetry:
     So in the 3.5 weeks since I have left, I have written twenty poems of varying quality.
     So on average that's about 6 poems a week.
     Some of them are pretty personal though, so they're just for me, or whoever I think needs to hear them.
     Others kind of suck! And by that I mean, yes they are my poems and they're mine and self-expression no such thing as a bad poem blahblah... And certainly when I read any of my poems I go right back to that moment I wrote it, but a good poem will bring the reader there too, no matter who they are.
     So yeah, working on that. I wasn't going to share this first one 'cause I don't think it will convey the actual horror I was feeling when I wrote it, but Poe would want me to, so for him here it is. But read it slow, and try to let the words sink in. Dedicated to anything that was once alive but is now being eaten by maggots.

     "Safe is a State of Mind"

     You could die at any second.
     It is literally possible that you could die, right now.
     Maybe someone reading this will die when they read it.
     You probably aren't aware of it, but death is right over there. Right now.
     When you die, you probably won't be aware of that either.
     Flesh eating bacteria, lightning bolt, slip into traffic, fork in toaster, freak trampoline accident.
     What mistake did you make to get there?
     How could you have avoided it?
     How could you have known?
     Where did you go wrong?
     Y'know, as you read this, someone somewhere died.
     You don't know them and they don't know you
     probably
     but in a way
     you read it for them.

     So in example when I wrote this I was absolutely horrified. However, I think that most people reading it will find it more humorous than anything, perhaps even trite. Perhaps I focused too much on the ideas and not the emotions of the moment? Yeah, that makes sense. I didn't paint any imagery or describe any of the sensory inputs I was receiving from the world at all. The rotting bird, the screeching of the train, the smell of death, that indescribable yet undeniable feeling that you are in a bad place... I didn't even try to capture those things, instead focusing on just the idea of it all.
     Sorry I let ya down Edger Allan Poe! I guess I'm just not that macabre.
     This one is more my style. It's dark but it's not that dark. I'd say it's dark like a city avenue at night under the yellow hue of street lights. Which makes sense 'cause that's where it was written.

     "We Made It"

     In the city, life is fast and people are plentiful.
     They may be jam packed into spaces too small for them
     In places they don't want to live in
     But they get out     In the city, there's always someone else to meet.
     Some cool new friend you can't believe you never met before
     Some pretty person you just might have a chance with
     Some total nut job that rips through your world like a tornado you've only ever heard about
     In the city, nature is just a weed or a flower bed.
     This is the human biome
     An environment we created
     With just as many wonders, and dangers, as the primordial wilderness
     In the city, you have to play by the cities rules.
     There are places you should go for fun, business, shopping, moving, sleeping, tanning, you name it.
     There are places you should only go with the right people, at the right time, having the right knowledge.
     There are places you should never, ever go.
     In the city, energy is everywhere.
     Peoples' actions reverberate like vibrations traveling through the molecules of air
     Every cause creates ten effects, each in turn becoming its own cause, for then one hundred effects, and so on
     People live and die from others they have never even seen having a bad day or not
     In the city, life is the color of the lights on your street and people have price tags.
     In the city, life is etched into the sidewalk and people are buried underneath.
     In the city, life is clockwork and people just turn the crank.    


Pictures:

 I spent a day with Edgar Allan Poe, writing some poetry.
I met some cool people too, just hanging around here haha.
Poe's monument rests peacefully, with the bustle of the city just past the gate.

The tiny walled off cemetery is a tranquil bastion amid downtown Baltimore.

Didn't have a place to stay.

But I didn't worry, just trust in the universe.

And so I happen upon a tent with three tables and table cloths, portopotty, and garbage bins.

All on a beautiful waterfront.

I put two of the table cloths underneath the third table for a little shelter. It was perfect!

I really hope I win.

We are aspiring to greatness.

Getting there is the challenge

that still lays before us.