We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite Hope.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.
There would Be No Meaning
Only With You
Here is Where I Am
Here is Where I Will Stay
Dulcius ex asperis
I didn't bring Everything I'd Need
Just a couple blankets and Kindling
I wouldn't Need to be there for 4 nights and days
Right?
I knew it'd be Cold though
So I started gathering firewood right away
A few hours of that 'til sundown and I had enough wood to get me through the Night
Or so I thought
I set up by a picnic table and its adjacent grill stand
As the sun set I got my little fire going in there and I was all set
But what I hadn't bothered to check was the weather
A Huge Storm was coming
Most of the night was on and off drizzle which wasn't took big a deal
But I did have to burn my wood faster to keep the fire alive enough to ignite the now wet wood
I spoke to You through the Fire
I've been speaking to You through Fires and Stars and Mountains and Roads and Horizons for Months
Have You Heard Me?
I Believed You Had
I Believed You Had
In some Way
Somehow
I Know You Have
I Know You Have
Because there are times when I Hear You
Times when The Fire or The Stars or The Mountain or The Road or The Horizon Answers Me and I can Feel You there with Me in those moments
And I wonder How You Hear Me
I wonder if You Feel Me somehow in that moment defying Space
Or if I send out some sort of Energy Pulse which reaches You later defying Time
I wonder if You Feel Me somehow in that moment defying Space
Or if I send out some sort of Energy Pulse which reaches You later defying Time
The Storm picked up sometime in the early morn
4amish I don't know
The Fire required constant fuel and tending to to keep it going and I soon ran out of wood
But I was able to keep My Fire alive by scouring the immediate area for sticks and throwing them in
The rain was now pouring on and off and the whole area was muddy
My feet were soaked but thanks to an emergency poncho I brought (don't leave home without one) I was otherwise dry enough
I could step away from the fire for a couple minutes and it'd be okay and I wouldn't get too cold
Moving produces body heat too
Then with cold hands holding a bundle I'd return to the fire and warm up as I tended to it
So this worked for a few hours and got me through more of the Night
But as I exhausted the supply of sticks nearby my fire I had to go further and further to find more wood which of course took longer
Then the Wind really picked up and after a sudden powerful gust blew more than half my embers away I knew the Fire was done for
I stayed with its warmth until it was gone then sought shelter at the nearby pavilion (which I should have been at the whole time and would have been if I knew such a huge storm was coming. Oops).
My blankets were wet but not too wet and I huddled under them against a wall for protection from the wind and maybe slept an hour or so as the sun came up
The rain abated a bit and I found a discarded piece of plastic and laid on that and slept for another hour or two until it began to rain again
I made it back under cover as it began to really pour
At this point I was soaked and exhausted and cold
I had no way to make a Fire as all my Tinder was saturated and most wood in the area was wet now too
Basically, I was screwed
Luckily a Brother came under the pavilion also seeking refuge from the downpour
Seeing the dire straights I was in he wanted to help
But through talking with him and realizing Just how much help I needed...
A tactical retreat was the only choice
We descended the Rock together and he gave me a ride to the wal-mart where I made a phone call and got a ride home
Which was the Right move
It stormed all day and through the following Night
I suppose I'd of survived but I'd probably of been feverish and definitely not healthy
The following morning I hitched another ride this time with my Father to his work then walked through New Haven back to The Rock.
All I had this time was a tarp—Tinder and matches—Journal and Pens
I found a sort of waterproof mat along the way
Fide et Fortitudine
Sapienter si sincere
Invictues maneo
Weary of further storms I set myself up in a nearby pavilion
I spent hours gathering wood
Didn't Want to run out again
After breaking into pieces of about 1 foot in length I'd sort those sticks by thickness
All I had this time was a tarp—Tinder and matches—Journal and Pens
I found a sort of waterproof mat along the way
Sapienter si sincere
Invictues maneo
Weary of further storms I set myself up in a nearby pavilion
I spent hours gathering wood
Didn't Want to run out again
After breaking into pieces of about 1 foot in length I'd sort those sticks by thickness
I was worried that You'd hike to the top by way of my instructional photos and not find me at the lookout and not explore to the pavilion so I made a sign on the ground in sticks and laid a path of arrows
Nec tamen consumebator
Feros Ferio
It was Cold and Windy but at least I didn't have to worry about stoking the Fire
And at least I had a Fire
I kept it going all Night and did some writing
My Wool socks I got in Crestone lit on Fire and fell apart but nothing else to complain about
Closer to Dawn almost out of Wood I curled up on the mat next to my Fire with the tarp as a blanket and passed out for a while
I woke to joggers and dog walkers running by looking at me like I'm Shrek or something
I spent the day mostly sleeping in the sun by the top where I said I'd Be where You'd See Me
I heard a storm was coming later that night
But I wasn't worried 'cause it was the 23rd and I really really thought You were going to come that day
It had to be that day
Okay Maybe the 24th but it'd probably be the 23rd
So I napped all day until the sunset over the horizon
It was Beautiful and Sad
The second it was gone I jumped up and into the brush and started pulling out as much wood as I could
I could carry the wood down the road to the pavilion in the dark but wouldn't be able to go through the brush once dusk passed—no flashlight—so I just threw as much wood as I could onto the Road
Once it was too dark to see the ground in front of me anymore I started hauling all the wood I'd found back to the pavilion
As I left to get another bundle a figure came into the pavilion from the other side
I turned around to hail them and invite them to join me by my Fire,
and to my surprise, it turned out to be...
My Father!
Aut agere aut mori
Animo non astutia
And his guitar and my violin! Wow!
And crackers!
I hungrily had a few and we got the fire going and had our first Jam session with the violin
It was really awesome
And it meant a lot to me he'd come up
So when he said if you were coming it wouldn't be the middle of the night and he'd bring me back tomorrow and asked me to come for the Night, then how could I refuse My Father?
So I avoided this second Storm
Though I didn't Sleep
Instead opting to Cook and clean all Night
In the morning I returned and resumed my wait
On the one hand I was thankful for being rescued from the Storm and a Long Uncomfortable Night
On the other hand I was supposed to be there waiting and there's meaning in that
Though I suppose there's Less Meaning if You don't come
Who did come that day however was my former fiancée and my Brother her partner
I told them to wait for me at the bottom
That I'd be down after the Sun Set
As it disappeared behind the horizon I wrote You a letter
Which I Hope You Read One Day
I'm Thankful for this Story
I'm Thankful for This Love I Have in My Heart
My Love
Because without My Love I'm not Who I Want to Be
I'd Be someone else
I don't know Who I'd Be
Without
Her and Everything She's taught Me and Everything that Her existence
means to me in My Life both ways I can put into Words and ways I could
Never Ever Describe Just Moments of Feeling and Emotions and Life Real
Life
MY REAL LIFE
MY REAL LIFE
I Love Her All the Same
That was A Triumph I Found there
As the Sun Set on the 4th Day
And I stopped putting Wood onto My Fire
And it slowly died down into embers
I Loved Her All the Same
Hurt Disappointed Distraught Sad Dejected
Squashed on the Rocks
I leapt and wasn't caught and fell to My Death
But I'm a PHOENIX and I'm a PHOENIX thanks to HER
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?
So when I Died it HURT but I only came RIGHT BACK
And this isn't the way I Want to Be Living
Constantly smashing against the Rocks and Dying Dying dying
But like a Saiyan it only makes me Stronger
And I Know She's not reading this Right Now and I don't know when she's going to but I Know She Will One Day
Just like I know She'll read The Journal One Day
So as My Fire Died
My Fire inside still Burned
A Slow and Steady Burn
Of Eternal
Unconditional
Love
So
Even if She Doesn't Show Up
Even if She Doesn't Keep Her Promise
Even if She Wants to Move On
Even if it's Not Fair to Me
I Respect Her Choice
And I Love Her
Fairness is a funny concept in Life anyways
Because Life Isn't Fair
There's nothing fair for a Butterfly when it gets caught in a Spider's Web and its Life Blood is sucked Dry and it Dies Constricted and Writhing
There's nothing fair for a Bunny when the Fangs of a Fox sink into its hide and The Bunny is torn apart and consumed
There's nothing fair for an Elephant when Poachers Blast it Away with a Rifle and cut away its Tusks for Ivory so someone somewhere can have a something
No there's nothing Fair about Life
Every Day is a Gift and the sooner each of use Realize that We're All Just Lucky to Be Alive Honestly the Happier We Will Each Be
Like Justice
Fairness only exists when We come together and Create it
We as a collective group of people must come together under these ideals and uphold them
That means not turning the other cheek when we see inJustice but Standing and Speaking and Doing Something about it!
So She didn't keep her promise
I splat on the ground instead of Us coming together into something Beautiful
I know she didn't keep her promise because if she had read the post prior to this one
She would have Came
I Know She Would Have Came
Or She'd at least of Sent Me or My Brother a Message
I chose to go out and Wait
I didn't choose that to Free myself of this position of Waiting if She didn't come
It wasn't supposed to be a Test
It was supposed to be an Opportunity for Her
A Chance to rebuild the Trust She Lost by leaving Me in The Cold
So I can conclude it was just My dumb idea
Disappointed it didn't work out
But Just some dumb Stunt
Still—there's knowledge gained
She isn't Reading.
She hasn't been Reading.
All this time...
She said She was
She promised She would Be
I believed
For months that was My Hope
And because I Believed and because that was My Hope
She really had My Heart in a cage
And even though it wasn't my intention
Her not showing up free'd Me a bit
So anyways, my former fiancée picked me up and was very concerned and actually sent her a message
This was the first I heard of You in the last year
And I guess these are the answers to My Questions that have occupied my Mind every Day since then
Though there's still a few unanswered
Why'd You Do this to Me?
It was So So Wrong of You to "Ghost" Me as You did
I Have Loved You for Years
Beyond so damaging and hurtful to me
In addition to the Hurt I was already in from Her
Why would You get rid of
You've Saved My Life I Love You from the Bottom of My Heart and I Know I always Will
If You don't Trust that—Me
Then who can You Trust?
My Mind says to feel sorry for You for that
But My Heart Just Hurts
Your Trust meant Everything to Me
Because You had Trusted Me and I Proved to You that I was a Good Man
And that was when I Proved to My Self I was a Good Man
So I Earned Your Trust
So How... Did I Lose it?
How is it I'm in this perpetual Darkness of Worry and Longing for You?
What did I Do to Deserve to be put Here by You?
I can't Ask for Your Trust
But rather—Give Me a Chance to Earn it Back!
I can't Ask for Your Love either
Of Course I Want that more than anything but You're Free to Give or Withhold that as You Feel
But Your Respect
Don't You think I Deserve that?
DO I NOT DESERVE YOUR RESPECT?
HAVE I NOT EARNED THAT?
READ THIS BOOK OF MINE
FILLED WITH SO MANY TEARS FOR YOU YOU HAVE NO IDEA
You Have No Idea
See What I've Done
See Who I Am
And Tell Me
Do I Deserve Your Respect?
And if I do
Where is it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N52VD2LzQmw
The tarp fell off while I was gone and unfortunately no one put it back on
So the rain slowly destroyed My Lovely Bagel Cart I built with my own Hands
I'm a Terrible Business Man anyways
Like my Bamboo Pipe policy
I had a little sign "Pay whatever You think it's worth"
The first day was all learning
The second day though, I fed a bunch of homeless folk that didn't have a dollar
And made about $70 bucks (that's after daily expense math)
So actually it was going phenomenal...
Until the Fire Marshal Just happened to walk by and 'cause I didn't pay him off even though no one even told me I had to he doesn't like my open grill even though I'm surrounded by brick buildings but that's the policy of the city 'cause there are old wooden houses somewhere so he just shuts me down.
We make an appointment for the very next day and I ride my bicycle 11 miles through some bitter cold and wouldn't ya know it he's not there so I wait around for hours until one of his underlings comes and throws some stalling bs at me.
Then he just ignores me for two weeks until the health permit that I paid an exorbitant fee for expires.
Great job Fire Marshall, you squashed a budding small business that'd of helped the community.
Whatever
I had better things to do than deal with this, such as ride to Maine to try to rescue Her car, or continue my cross-country Journey.
So I put the Cart under a tarp on the side of the house to be revisited in the future
I put a lot of work into that.
I really wanted to get it going
And for two days, I did.
I built a food cart myself with my own hands and started a small business and by the second day was making a profit.
Great Job!
If it hadn't been shut down it would have created an awesome Job for a Brother and I'd of passed it on to him so I could go travel
It meant a lot to me
I Learned a lot about business, politics, and carpentry through the experience though so that's good
Still
Sad to See A Dream of Mine like this
So Christmas came and Went
My Family keeps me going
And By the Grace of God we're All still Here
And I was able to Give My Gifts and Be at Home and Rest and Eat lots of Peanut Butter
So I'm Thankful
Even though it Hurts
But I had a Top Secret Plan and was pondering the execution of that and that also kept me goin'
I laid out all The Christmas Gifts I had gathered in my Travels
Three Piles
A couple days of Healing passed and even though I Need to See Her the most
She didn't keep Her Promise.
She didn't Come.
So I fixed up My ol' Bicycle
The NorthWay!
And prepared myself for a ride to See the two of them
But first My Uncle came over
As I left to spend some more time with him
Right on the porch where I worked for months to prepare as many pipes as I could for our adventure
Was Everything.
She Gave it All back
I Needed My Journal #4 back
Everything else was Hers to Keep
I didn’t Want it back I Wanted Her to have it that’s why I Gave it to Her
I was about to go See Her
I had Christmas Gifts for Her
I had even set up a visit with some nearby friends to help me along
She Gave Everything Back
So I had to think about that
And maybe I’m off but I concluded that She was trying to tell Me that She Wants to Move On
And I have to Respect that
I Wanted Us to be Friends at least
She’s Family in My Book
And She always Will Be
She’s Welcome in My Home Any Time
She should have knocked on the door
And whether I’m Home or Not
Invited inside
Welcomed and Fed
Her Arrival Celebrated
Shelter, Private Space Provided
Any of Her Needs and Wants Granted
That’s the Way it SHOULD Be
She should be at the table
She should be welcomed here
That’s the way it should Be
Why isn’t it That Way?
Why?
As if it didn’t all mean something to me
As if I haven’t wept for Her
As if I’m not crying right now writing this
Why can’t the relationship be maintained?
The Love Be Honored
WHY!?
I don’t know
But I know I’ll See Her again
In about Five Years and Three Months
(at the time of this writing)
These emotions don't Just disappear
The Care I Hold Will Never Subside
The Meaning of these relationships doesn't simply vanish from my Awareness
My intentions
To Honor the Love I Felt
To Show and Prove My Care
To Repair and Create and Build upon a Lasting Bond of Sister/Brotherhood
And Yes—I Too Need and Want Love
I Too Need to Heal
And I Need to See You Too.
So with that I rode into the Cold
Through Middletown
Straight North
Hoc maJorum virtus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9MJz-ap-rw
So the ride was about 62 miles.
I only had to skim the Google Map as I've ridden this ride a couple times before—once on a Scooter (and oh what Beautiful moments we Shared then)
Still—it was tough on The Northway with its locked gears and Rock Hard Seat that keeps sinking too low. That was the bicycle I had to ride though. LionHeart is in Lukachukai. The Northway is my old bicycle. The bike I've had since I was like 11. The bike I brought to college with me and rode to my internships at Elementary Schools in the area. The bike I rode to Montreal. The bike I rode to UConn and Boston. The bike I rode through that Blizzard to that final Shakedown show. The show I got my scarf back at.
Well, it's your scarf now, though I guess it doesn't mean anything to You anymore.
Anyways, it took more than seven hours through the Cold, Wind was against me the whole way. I don't know who designed that bike seat but they're an idiot and my butt was painfully sore (imagine if I took that seat cross-country! Nope! Couldn't do it)! Of greater concern were my knees—I really overextended them. That pain that started in Illinois was back. So tired and sore, when I made it to your home, I wanted nothing more than to be invited inside, be warm and be fed—be welcomed—and I could Give You these gifts and we could talk and I swear if You had Just held me I'd of completely broken down and wept in your arms all Night.
But I can't Just impose like that by showing up in the Dark unannounced—even when bearing gifts—not when I haven't heard from You in 11 months since I left You (and Drew) in New Orleans.
So as I planned, I tied The Wind Shawl around Your doorknob, left the gifts on Your doorstep, and The Northway in Your yard in case You'd Need it and a note reading:
"I'll be at Mittineague
At that same Bench"
I didn't doubt You'd know which Bench I meant
Just like I didn't doubt that You'd come
The first time I had come here
https://ridelionheart.blogspot.com/2015/09/too-many-roads.html
I waited for You at that Bench
And You Descended Upon Me like and Angel from Heaven
That is exactly what that moment was like for me
And the following Day with You was Pure Magic
You had My Heart from that moment on
So I knew You'd come
I didn't think You'd necessarily throw your Self into my arms
I was not under such a delusion
But I thought You cared enough that You wouldn't leave me in The Cold all Night
So after a few hours of sitting on that bench being buffeted by the bitter cold winds
When it hit me that You weren't coming
That those moments that meant so much to me
That I've carried for Years
That compelled me to chase after You and Pine and Long and Hurt and Weep and LOSE MY FUCKING MIND for You for more than a Year
When it hit me that those moments meant Nothing to You and You couldn't even be bothered to ride a bicycle down the street to Save me from maybe Freezing to Death
Despair.
Creag an Fhitich
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L83voA_Iv_8
I wept for Hours.
I had no sleeping/warm gear whatsoever
I wouldn't Need to be there all Night
Right?
I emptied a park garbage can and turned the bag inside out and curled up on the bench in it
Oh look I'm in the Trash again
And Just shivered and heaved and hacked and cried and wheezed and bawled and howled
I eventually left the bench, got another trash bag, piled some leaves behind a wall so as to block The Wind, and slept not very well there for not very long before I woke shivering and trembling.
My legs were stiff in intense pain
I could barely stand.
I used the wall to hoist myself up and limped out of the park
I found some crackers in a pizza place dumpster which I ate on the way to a 24-hour gas station
Luckily the Brother inside was Cool and he let me warm up and pass out on the floor in the corner.
Still not very restful, but warm.
An hour or so passed and I bought some hand warmers
Thank You Uncle Paul for the money so I could
and limp'd to the Dunkin' Donuts.
I scavenged one of their cups and put it on the table by my head so they'd think I was a customer and wouldn't bother me I passed out at a table
Which I promptly did.
An hour or two later, morning now, I woke and saw your message, sent at midnight,
"hey are you still at mittnegue?"
About the time You sent that I was probably curled up on the bench trying to fit inside a Trash Bag
"I am."
and went straight back to the bench.
Still bitter cold, though a little less so in the Sun.
A few hours passed, and I knew it was time to go
You didn't come
And I can't Just Force myself into Your Space
So I was Just going to quietly grab my bicycle and Go
But your Mom had brought it inside, so I had to knock...
"Hi Mrs. !@#$%^&*... I guess... I Just Need my bicycle..."
"...Why don't you come inside."
Your Mom fed me
for which I was thankful
And I'll skip some details here
But in the next two hours before You left for work
You made it pretty clear that You didn't Want Me for anything at all, didn't Want to Give me anything, including your time in that present moment, had no appreciation for Me nor anything I was doing, and didn't Want anything I had to Give You, including all the gifts I had collected for you through my travels and carried to You then.
And No.
You didn't Want to see me later, so of course I had to go
Sad Tired and Sore.
See ya later.
Endure fort
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hg_3R1Jbd5M
You know I didn't mean to Test You
That is, I didn't really Want to.
But I couldn't Just show up and impose
I couldn't make plans either
But more than the rules of courtesy involved
I Needed to See Your Care
I Needed Just a smidgen of Trust from You and some small showing of Care
I Needed You to show Me that You cared about Me Just a little Fucking bit that You wouldn't Just let me Die Alone in The Cold
And So I left the gifts and note and rang your doorbell and turned and walked away
Ready for a long terrible Night
But believing that You would actually come.
And honestly it was less that You left me out there
And more that come the morn You were completely unapologetic, unempathetic about it and uncaring about my plight I was then in
Having to ride the 62 miles back sore and fatigued with aching joints.
And Also Just the Fact that the last 11 months have been such a Struggle for me and I've been sending out all these messages to You
Collecting pictures of flowers and cool warriors, for example
and not only Do You Just Give Me Nothing
Not only Do You Not even want to See Me
You're not even Sorry about it
Or Anything at All
Nunquam obliviscar
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybWVbWsgURU
So there's a difference here
She Knew
She Didn't
She showed She didn't Care and I froze to Death
She showed She wasn't listening and I made a Fool of Myself
My Love
My actual Feelings and Wants changed through that Cold Night by that same bench
I Suppose that's True as well through My Nights of Storm and Fire on The Rock
But I came out of that Still Wanting Her
Hurt Disappointed Forlorn Confused Upset
But Still Needing Her and Still Loving Her Immensely and Still with a Genuine Desire to Restore Us
So I forgave Her for not Reading and not Coming and found this Space of Unconditional Love
And I Still forgive and Love Her anyways too
I do not Curse nor do I plan to Forsake Her
But I don't Want Her anymore I don't Want Her confusing Me I don't Want Her Hurting Me
I'm stronger and wiser from it all
Recognizing that Leads to some Gratitude
Which makes it much easier to forgive and Love
It's thanks to that Strength that I can so quickly Forgive and keep Loving
But I'm Just Dying here this isn't what I Need I don't think it's what anyone Needs I don't Need to be tormented like this haven't I done enough? Haven't I repented? Is My ever ready Hand of Brotherhood not enough?
She's hurt me SO much I am so fucking tired of it
And I am definitely quite Tired of Freezing to Death
So there were a couple days where all seemed Lost
It's difficult to put into words these feelings of Despair
Though that's something I've been trying to express this whole time
But You'd kind of have to read from the beginning
To Understand How far We've come Just to be met with Defeat and How Deep in Your Heart that hits You
My Adventures in the Mountains for example
Collecting photos of flowers
Green and Sometimes Blue Sometimes White Sometimes Black Sometimes Yellow were Your colors
Orange and Red and Pink and Sometimes Yellow and Sometimes White were Yours
Purple and Indigo and Sometimes Blue were Yours
And You Are Lions and Eagles and sometimes Cats and Dragons
And You Are Rats and Hawks and The Phoenix
And You Are Bears and Wolves and doggos
And You're Cats. Always.
And You're The Wind
And You're Fire and Lightning
And You're Water and Earth
And You were each many more things as well
And I'm not insane I was in Love and I Loved Loving You each and I'd think of You each all the time and this is how I Journeyed this is how I got by this is how I ran away from the advances of Beautiful women because I'd rather Just be alone and think about any of You
This is how I Loved You
This is how I Love You
This is how I Will Continue to Love You
Sola virtus nobilitat
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e91mRXerpfA
So there's a particularly Deep sense of Pain that I can't describe quite well enough here that not a one of you even wants to see me.
Sometimes My Heart goes numb and I can actually do something even though I Feel kind of Dead
Sometimes My Heart is so overwhelmed I Just breakdown
Sometimes the emotions are visceral but manageable and that's about when I can write
We've been experiencing this for a few years now since You ripped Our Heart out so I'm kind of used to it now and I'm Stronger and can control my State of Being relatively Consciously so I'm stable even though I think a lot of people would completely crumple under this weight
Not to Boast or anything
Not that I'm maintaining any meaningful level of Perfection either
But I'm impressed with myself at least in that I am NOT Despairing
Prayer and Love from The Lord are Essential to My Being
Connecting with my Core and Being My Self and finding a Strength there to Choose to Care about my Self and Keep Going Keep Fighting even though it's a desperate pitiful struggle I'm gonna keep doing push-ups and working and making art and moving forward I'm not gonna Give Up I am GOING to FIND A WAY
It was a Real Battle
So She didn't keep her promise
I splat on the ground instead of Us coming together into something Beautiful
I know she didn't keep her promise because if she had read the post prior to this one
She would have Came
I Know She Would Have Came
Or She'd at least of Sent Me or My Brother a Message
I chose to go out and Wait
I didn't choose that to Free myself of this position of Waiting if She didn't come
It wasn't supposed to be a Test
It was supposed to be an Opportunity for Her
A Chance to rebuild the Trust She Lost by leaving Me in The Cold
So I can conclude it was just My dumb idea
Disappointed it didn't work out
But Just some dumb Stunt
Still—there's knowledge gained
She isn't Reading.
She hasn't been Reading.
All this time...
She said She was
She promised She would Be
I believed
For months that was My Hope
And because I Believed and because that was My Hope
She really had My Heart in a cage
And even though it wasn't my intention
Her not showing up free'd Me a bit
So anyways, my former fiancée picked me up and was very concerned and actually sent her a message
I don't really want to cross the line of sharing private messages on
here but in the interest of telling the whole story I'll summarize what was said:
Cares for me "as a friend"
I'm too intense
Doubt Healthiness of friendship
This was the first I heard of You in the last year
And I guess these are the answers to My Questions that have occupied my Mind every Day since then
Though there's still a few unanswered
Why'd You Do this to Me?
It was So So Wrong of You to "Ghost" Me as You did
I Have Loved You for Years
Beyond so damaging and hurtful to me
In addition to the Hurt I was already in from Her
Why would You get rid of
You've Saved My Life I Love You from the Bottom of My Heart and I Know I always Will
If You don't Trust that—Me
Then who can You Trust?
My Mind says to feel sorry for You for that
But My Heart Just Hurts
Your Trust meant Everything to Me
Because You had Trusted Me and I Proved to You that I was a Good Man
And that was when I Proved to My Self I was a Good Man
So I Earned Your Trust
So How... Did I Lose it?
How is it I'm in this perpetual Darkness of Worry and Longing for You?
What did I Do to Deserve to be put Here by You?
I can't Ask for Your Trust
But rather—Give Me a Chance to Earn it Back!
I can't Ask for Your Love either
Of Course I Want that more than anything but You're Free to Give or Withhold that as You Feel
But Your Respect
Don't You think I Deserve that?
DO I NOT DESERVE YOUR RESPECT?
HAVE I NOT EARNED THAT?
READ THIS BOOK OF MINE
FILLED WITH SO MANY TEARS FOR YOU YOU HAVE NO IDEA
You Have No Idea
See What I've Done
See Who I Am
And Tell Me
Do I Deserve Your Respect?
And if I do
Where is it?
The tarp fell off while I was gone and unfortunately no one put it back on
So the rain slowly destroyed My Lovely Bagel Cart I built with my own Hands
I'm a Terrible Business Man anyways
Like my Bamboo Pipe policy
I had a little sign "Pay whatever You think it's worth"
The first day was all learning
The second day though, I fed a bunch of homeless folk that didn't have a dollar
And made about $70 bucks (that's after daily expense math)
So actually it was going phenomenal...
Until the Fire Marshal Just happened to walk by and 'cause I didn't pay him off even though no one even told me I had to he doesn't like my open grill even though I'm surrounded by brick buildings but that's the policy of the city 'cause there are old wooden houses somewhere so he just shuts me down.
We make an appointment for the very next day and I ride my bicycle 11 miles through some bitter cold and wouldn't ya know it he's not there so I wait around for hours until one of his underlings comes and throws some stalling bs at me.
Then he just ignores me for two weeks until the health permit that I paid an exorbitant fee for expires.
Great job Fire Marshall, you squashed a budding small business that'd of helped the community.
Whatever
I had better things to do than deal with this, such as ride to Maine to try to rescue Her car, or continue my cross-country Journey.
So I put the Cart under a tarp on the side of the house to be revisited in the future
I put a lot of work into that.
I really wanted to get it going
And for two days, I did.
I built a food cart myself with my own hands and started a small business and by the second day was making a profit.
Great Job!
If it hadn't been shut down it would have created an awesome Job for a Brother and I'd of passed it on to him so I could go travel
It meant a lot to me
I Learned a lot about business, politics, and carpentry through the experience though so that's good
Still
Sad to See A Dream of Mine like this
So Christmas came and Went
My Family keeps me going
And By the Grace of God we're All still Here
And I was able to Give My Gifts and Be at Home and Rest and Eat lots of Peanut Butter
So I'm Thankful
Even though it Hurts
I laid out all The Christmas Gifts I had gathered in my Travels
Three Piles
A couple days of Healing passed and even though I Need to See Her the most
She didn't keep Her Promise.
She didn't Come.
So I fixed up My ol' Bicycle
The NorthWay!
And prepared myself for a ride to See the two of them
But first My Uncle came over
As I left to spend some more time with him
Right on the porch where I worked for months to prepare as many pipes as I could for our adventure
Was Everything.
She Gave it All back
I Needed My Journal #4 back
Everything else was Hers to Keep
I didn’t Want it back I Wanted Her to have it that’s why I Gave it to Her
I was about to go See Her
I had Christmas Gifts for Her
I had even set up a visit with some nearby friends to help me along
She Gave Everything Back
So I had to think about that
And maybe I’m off but I concluded that She was trying to tell Me that She Wants to Move On
And I have to Respect that
I Wanted Us to be Friends at least
She’s Family in My Book
And She always Will Be
She’s Welcome in My Home Any Time
She should have knocked on the door
And whether I’m Home or Not
Invited inside
Welcomed and Fed
Her Arrival Celebrated
Shelter, Private Space Provided
Any of Her Needs and Wants Granted
That’s the Way it SHOULD Be
She should be at the table
She should be welcomed here
That’s the way it should Be
Why isn’t it That Way?
Why?
As if it didn’t all mean something to me
As if I haven’t wept for Her
As if I’m not crying right now writing this
Why can’t the relationship be maintained?
The Love Be Honored
WHY!?
I don’t know
But I know I’ll See Her again
In about Five Years and Three Months
(at the time of this writing)
The Care I Hold Will Never Subside
The Meaning of these relationships doesn't simply vanish from my Awareness
My intentions
To Honor the Love I Felt
To Show and Prove My Care
To Repair and Create and Build upon a Lasting Bond of Sister/Brotherhood
And Yes—I Too Need and Want Love
I Too Need to Heal
And I Need to See You Too.
So with that I rode into the Cold
Through Middletown
Straight North
Hoc maJorum virtus
So the ride was about 62 miles.
I only had to skim the Google Map as I've ridden this ride a couple times before—once on a Scooter (and oh what Beautiful moments we Shared then)
Still—it was tough on The Northway with its locked gears and Rock Hard Seat that keeps sinking too low. That was the bicycle I had to ride though. LionHeart is in Lukachukai. The Northway is my old bicycle. The bike I've had since I was like 11. The bike I brought to college with me and rode to my internships at Elementary Schools in the area. The bike I rode to Montreal. The bike I rode to UConn and Boston. The bike I rode through that Blizzard to that final Shakedown show. The show I got my scarf back at.
Well, it's your scarf now, though I guess it doesn't mean anything to You anymore.
Anyways, it took more than seven hours through the Cold, Wind was against me the whole way. I don't know who designed that bike seat but they're an idiot and my butt was painfully sore (imagine if I took that seat cross-country! Nope! Couldn't do it)! Of greater concern were my knees—I really overextended them. That pain that started in Illinois was back. So tired and sore, when I made it to your home, I wanted nothing more than to be invited inside, be warm and be fed—be welcomed—and I could Give You these gifts and we could talk and I swear if You had Just held me I'd of completely broken down and wept in your arms all Night.
But I can't Just impose like that by showing up in the Dark unannounced—even when bearing gifts—not when I haven't heard from You in 11 months since I left You (and Drew) in New Orleans.
So as I planned, I tied The Wind Shawl around Your doorknob, left the gifts on Your doorstep, and The Northway in Your yard in case You'd Need it and a note reading:
"I'll be at Mittineague
At that same Bench"
I didn't doubt You'd know which Bench I meant
Just like I didn't doubt that You'd come
The first time I had come here
https://ridelionheart.blogspot.com/2015/09/too-many-roads.html
I waited for You at that Bench
And You Descended Upon Me like and Angel from Heaven
That is exactly what that moment was like for me
And the following Day with You was Pure Magic
You had My Heart from that moment on
So I knew You'd come
I didn't think You'd necessarily throw your Self into my arms
I was not under such a delusion
But I thought You cared enough that You wouldn't leave me in The Cold all Night
So after a few hours of sitting on that bench being buffeted by the bitter cold winds
When it hit me that You weren't coming
That those moments that meant so much to me
That I've carried for Years
That compelled me to chase after You and Pine and Long and Hurt and Weep and LOSE MY FUCKING MIND for You for more than a Year
When it hit me that those moments meant Nothing to You and You couldn't even be bothered to ride a bicycle down the street to Save me from maybe Freezing to Death
Despair.
Creag an Fhitich
I wept for Hours.
I had no sleeping/warm gear whatsoever
I wouldn't Need to be there all Night
Right?
I emptied a park garbage can and turned the bag inside out and curled up on the bench in it
Oh look I'm in the Trash again
And Just shivered and heaved and hacked and cried and wheezed and bawled and howled
I eventually left the bench, got another trash bag, piled some leaves behind a wall so as to block The Wind, and slept not very well there for not very long before I woke shivering and trembling.
My legs were stiff in intense pain
I could barely stand.
I used the wall to hoist myself up and limped out of the park
I found some crackers in a pizza place dumpster which I ate on the way to a 24-hour gas station
Luckily the Brother inside was Cool and he let me warm up and pass out on the floor in the corner.
Still not very restful, but warm.
An hour or so passed and I bought some hand warmers
Thank You Uncle Paul for the money so I could
and limp'd to the Dunkin' Donuts.
I scavenged one of their cups and put it on the table by my head so they'd think I was a customer and wouldn't bother me I passed out at a table
Which I promptly did.
An hour or two later, morning now, I woke and saw your message, sent at midnight,
"hey are you still at mittnegue?"
About the time You sent that I was probably curled up on the bench trying to fit inside a Trash Bag
"I am."
and went straight back to the bench.
Still bitter cold, though a little less so in the Sun.
A few hours passed, and I knew it was time to go
You didn't come
And I can't Just Force myself into Your Space
So I was Just going to quietly grab my bicycle and Go
But your Mom had brought it inside, so I had to knock...
"Hi Mrs. !@#$%^&*... I guess... I Just Need my bicycle..."
"...Why don't you come inside."
Your Mom fed me
for which I was thankful
And I'll skip some details here
But in the next two hours before You left for work
You made it pretty clear that You didn't Want Me for anything at all, didn't Want to Give me anything, including your time in that present moment, had no appreciation for Me nor anything I was doing, and didn't Want anything I had to Give You, including all the gifts I had collected for you through my travels and carried to You then.
And No.
You didn't Want to see me later, so of course I had to go
Sad Tired and Sore.
See ya later.
Endure fort
You know I didn't mean to Test You
That is, I didn't really Want to.
But I couldn't Just show up and impose
I couldn't make plans either
But more than the rules of courtesy involved
I Needed to See Your Care
I Needed Just a smidgen of Trust from You and some small showing of Care
I Needed You to show Me that You cared about Me Just a little Fucking bit that You wouldn't Just let me Die Alone in The Cold
And So I left the gifts and note and rang your doorbell and turned and walked away
Ready for a long terrible Night
But believing that You would actually come.
And honestly it was less that You left me out there
And more that come the morn You were completely unapologetic, unempathetic about it and uncaring about my plight I was then in
Having to ride the 62 miles back sore and fatigued with aching joints.
And Also Just the Fact that the last 11 months have been such a Struggle for me and I've been sending out all these messages to You
Collecting pictures of flowers and cool warriors, for example
and not only Do You Just Give Me Nothing
Not only Do You Not even want to See Me
You're not even Sorry about it
Or Anything at All
So there's a difference here
She Knew
She Didn't
She showed She didn't Care and I froze to Death
She showed She wasn't listening and I made a Fool of Myself
My Love
My actual Feelings and Wants changed through that Cold Night by that same bench
I Suppose that's True as well through My Nights of Storm and Fire on The Rock
But I came out of that Still Wanting Her
Hurt Disappointed Forlorn Confused Upset
But Still Needing Her and Still Loving Her Immensely and Still with a Genuine Desire to Restore Us
So I forgave Her for not Reading and not Coming and found this Space of Unconditional Love
And I Still forgive and Love Her anyways too
I do not Curse nor do I plan to Forsake Her
But I don't Want Her anymore I don't Want Her confusing Me I don't Want Her Hurting Me
I'm stronger and wiser from it all
Recognizing that Leads to some Gratitude
Which makes it much easier to forgive and Love
It's thanks to that Strength that I can so quickly Forgive and keep Loving
But I'm Just Dying here this isn't what I Need I don't think it's what anyone Needs I don't Need to be tormented like this haven't I done enough? Haven't I repented? Is My ever ready Hand of Brotherhood not enough?
She's hurt me SO much I am so fucking tired of it
And I am definitely quite Tired of Freezing to Death
It's difficult to put into words these feelings of Despair
Though that's something I've been trying to express this whole time
But You'd kind of have to read from the beginning
To Understand How far We've come Just to be met with Defeat and How Deep in Your Heart that hits You
My Adventures in the Mountains for example
Collecting photos of flowers
Green and Sometimes Blue Sometimes White Sometimes Black Sometimes Yellow were Your colors
Orange and Red and Pink and Sometimes Yellow and Sometimes White were Yours
Purple and Indigo and Sometimes Blue were Yours
And You Are Lions and Eagles and sometimes Cats and Dragons
And You Are Rats and Hawks and The Phoenix
And You Are Bears and Wolves and doggos
And You're Cats. Always.
And You're The Wind
And You're Fire and Lightning
And You're Water and Earth
And You were each many more things as well
And I'm not insane I was in Love and I Loved Loving You each and I'd think of You each all the time and this is how I Journeyed this is how I got by this is how I ran away from the advances of Beautiful women because I'd rather Just be alone and think about any of You
This is how I Loved You
This is how I Love You
This is how I Will Continue to Love You
Sola virtus nobilitat
So there's a particularly Deep sense of Pain that I can't describe quite well enough here that not a one of you even wants to see me.
Sometimes My Heart goes numb and I can actually do something even though I Feel kind of Dead
Sometimes My Heart is so overwhelmed I Just breakdown
Sometimes the emotions are visceral but manageable and that's about when I can write
We've been experiencing this for a few years now since You ripped Our Heart out so I'm kind of used to it now and I'm Stronger and can control my State of Being relatively Consciously so I'm stable even though I think a lot of people would completely crumple under this weight
Not to Boast or anything
Not that I'm maintaining any meaningful level of Perfection either
But I'm impressed with myself at least in that I am NOT Despairing
Prayer and Love from The Lord are Essential to My Being
Connecting with my Core and Being My Self and finding a Strength there to Choose to Care about my Self and Keep Going Keep Fighting even though it's a desperate pitiful struggle I'm gonna keep doing push-ups and working and making art and moving forward I'm not gonna Give Up I am GOING to FIND A WAY
It was a Real Battle
Yeah it was basically just like that
So all my Hope was then in My Plan...
ṎṖḕṙḀ✞ḭṏṆ
ᏕᏖᏗᏒᎦᏗᏝᏝ
Yeah it was basically going to be just like that
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1h1AOeVQ38
But then it occurred to me that ᎧᎮᏋᏒᏗᏖᎥᎧᏁ ṠṮḀṘḞḀḶḶ
As Bad-Ass a Plan as it is
Is exactly what You don't Want me to do
Not that that itself would stop me but if it Just pushes You further away then it's not accomplishing anything
And I'm not going to detail it here beyond the video because I still might go through with it
Depends...
But a couple days of jaded overeating and overthinking passed as I doubted My Plan and failed to come up with a better idea
Then I woke up at 3am from a Dream which I can still sort of Hazily Remember in a Feeling kind of way but couldn't put into words for You but it was definitely about Her and Me and all the Truly Deep Complexities of it all that most people can't/don't appreciate because they haven't read my blog and don't have the Time to listen to me tell the whole story for several
So No.
I Do Not think it's Strange or Sad or Concerning or "Desperate" or Creepy of Me when I Jumped out of bed after this Dream with the realization that I could Give the Christmas Gifts (And a LETTER) to our mutual Sister and She could Pass Them On for Me and immediately bought a Train Ticket to Boston (thanks to Mataji WindWalker again for the amtrak giftcard that made this possible).
For the record I don't actually worry about my intentions being misinterpreted at all.
I ain't got Time for that.
I'm aware the World is filled with all manner of Demons and Dragons
I write about beating them on here all the time
So if someone was worried about who I Am maybe they should read what I'm putting out there
But beyond my Happy Little Blog here
My intentions are Gold
Aye—Just walking around with a Winning Hand
And I Know The Lord has My Back
My worries are for these women in My Heart that are important to Me
That Mean The World to Me
And that I as who I am
Feel Deeply the Need to Teach and Guide these Women so that The World and its Demons and Dragons doesn't Eat them
And that Intention comes from My awareness of what You mean to Me
What You Each mean to me actually
But some of My Sisters I worry about a lot more than others
I can See from their behavior...
That's also where much of my Pain comes from
What have You suffered without Me in Your Life?
I don't agree with the Idea that our Sisters have to Suffer
That there Needs to Be Sacrifice
I'm on the other side—Some Brothers Need a Punch to the Face
I know who I am, now
I'm a Teacher and a Warrior
I was and Am supposed to be that for You
That's what My Mind Believes and My Heart Yearns for
You're the one who Gave Me what I NEEDED to BE THIS
So Down Here
In this Space of Dejection and Worry and Doubt and Fear and Lonesomeness
I'll Find My Strength
And I Will Show You Who I Am
When we're Down we're much more likely to Fall
We're much more likely to Take and much less likely to Give
We're much more likely to Justify a Wrong Action
"Hurt People Hurt People" they say
Well this is Me when I'm Down
This is Me when I don't get what I Want when I've done nothing but Work and Give and Pray
This is Me when I've been Abandoned, Ignored, Forsaken, Thrown Away, Left to Freeze...
Even from this Space
I'll Show You My Love
What Love Means to Me
It's not mindless consumption it's not throwing people away it's not giving up even if it's hard
It's Faith in Darkness it's Pushing Forward through Strife it's Going the Distance even if You don't Want to
So I took the train to Boston
Busked the couple bucks I Needed to get back up to Salem
Wasn't sure if I was ever coming back here when I left last year
But I Love this town
Lots of really Powerful Spirits here
They take really good care of Me whenever I visit
Probably because of My Non-Judgemental Love for Witches and Sisters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQMB6h78ouo
I messaged Sister but She hadn't responded yet so I decided whatever (well the actual process was a bit more complex than that but whatever) I'd walk to Your place and see what happens
But You weren't there and hadn't been for five months
Your xenophobic old neighbor told me just before threatening to call the police
It was only a little cold that night but drizzling on and off
So I just stayed up all night scavenging
Slept for about two hours on some couch on the side of the road
Some kind people in the morning gave me muffins and coffee
That got me up and I headed towards to library to charge my phone, get out of the rain, and actually rest
I had found a bunch of bags of candy and was gonna drop 'em off at a bus stop along the way
As I stepped towards it there was a family there with a young kid
"Wow! You got a lot of candy!"
"Well... Now You have a lot of candy!"
And I handed him all five bags of candy I had
(Much to the dismay of his parents I'm sure)
"WOOOOOOOAH!"
However, the way his face lit up and how happy and excited he got
I knew it was the right thing to do
Glad I rescued the candy
I had also found a nice pair of boots and had a whole bag full of bread which I gave to the parents
Then continued on to the library
I got my phone back on and saw the message from Sister
To my Surprise, She was in Jamaica
Great... Now what?
Well I came up with three good ideas and messaged Her back then spent all day reading Romance of the Three Kingdoms and working on my own book a bit
When the library closed it was pouring out
Luckily I had found an umbrella last night too
My shoes are not meant for the rain so my feet got soaked as I walked through the rain back to Gulu-Gulu
They're only open 'til 1am but for just a few bucks I can get out of the cold 'til then
(And get a bagel)
I was reminded of last year
Writing in that same space...
Busked the couple bucks I Needed to get back up to Salem
Wasn't sure if I was ever coming back here when I left last year
But I Love this town
Lots of really Powerful Spirits here
They take really good care of Me whenever I visit
Probably because of My Non-Judgemental Love for Witches and Sisters
I messaged Sister but She hadn't responded yet so I decided whatever (well the actual process was a bit more complex than that but whatever) I'd walk to Your place and see what happens
But You weren't there and hadn't been for five months
Your xenophobic old neighbor told me just before threatening to call the police
It was only a little cold that night but drizzling on and off
So I just stayed up all night scavenging
Slept for about two hours on some couch on the side of the road
Some kind people in the morning gave me muffins and coffee
That got me up and I headed towards to library to charge my phone, get out of the rain, and actually rest
I had found a bunch of bags of candy and was gonna drop 'em off at a bus stop along the way
As I stepped towards it there was a family there with a young kid
"Wow! You got a lot of candy!"
"Well... Now You have a lot of candy!"
And I handed him all five bags of candy I had
(Much to the dismay of his parents I'm sure)
"WOOOOOOOAH!"
However, the way his face lit up and how happy and excited he got
I knew it was the right thing to do
Glad I rescued the candy
I had also found a nice pair of boots and had a whole bag full of bread which I gave to the parents
Then continued on to the library
I got my phone back on and saw the message from Sister
To my Surprise, She was in Jamaica
Great... Now what?
Well I came up with three good ideas and messaged Her back then spent all day reading Romance of the Three Kingdoms and working on my own book a bit
When the library closed it was pouring out
Luckily I had found an umbrella last night too
My shoes are not meant for the rain so my feet got soaked as I walked through the rain back to Gulu-Gulu
They're only open 'til 1am but for just a few bucks I can get out of the cold 'til then
(And get a bagel)
I was reminded of last year
Writing in that same space...
I lucked out that night and met a traveling brother named Rai who let me sleep in his car
Thanks Brother!
In the morning Rai dropped me off at the library and shared with me Bread and Peanut Butter
It was Sunday though and the library was still closed so I walked across the street to a Church to attend a service
I lucked out and was invited to breakfast there after the service, then went to the library to write a bit and then pass out in the corner for a couple hours
Sister still hadn't messaged me so I was brainstorming what to do if She never did
I went back to Gulu-Gulu to do some more writing and played Bingo
While there I lucked out again and was offered Shelter in a church by another Brother named Josh
That Night was exceptionally Cold and Windy so I was exceptionally thankful
Walking the three miles through it to the church was hard enough
The night before I had found a case of water nearby where the church is but left it alone as that's heavy and no where to really pass it on
So to show my gratitude I went to grab that water case for Brother Josh and to my surprise found not one but two garbage bags filled with a wide assortment of different granola/energy bars
So I brought those over to the church and Josh and I had a pretty fun night going through 'em all
And I was able to sleep restfully inside from the Cold
Thanks Brother!
I had figured a good plan so the next day I walked across the town to Sister's apartment
The last time I was here was on my Mission to Maine when I rode LionHeart up there to try to Save Her Car
She wasn't talking to me though and the information She had given me was false and both my knees started giving out on me so
I failed
But I had ridden through Salem and stayed with Sister a couple days and that's when I introduced you two
Which was a long time comin' as you two are karmically connected through Me and I've known that I've had to connect you two together for some time
That went well!
But then Your bf at the time threatened to kill me if I didn't leave ('cause he's insecure with himself and was inhaling a bunch of nitros)
I wasn't scared of him—actually I was quite pleased because it showed me he really cared about You—but I didn't want to cause tension or stress so I got goin'
Not knowing when I'd see You again...
But that was like two years ago
So I wasn't sure if Sister still lived in the same place but figured I might as well go find out and if She did I could leave the gifts (which were rather heavy by the way) with Her roommates and they could put them in Her room or whatever
And that plan turned out to be Perfect!
I buzzed the wrong room number but they let me in anyways haha
I wrote a letter to leave the gifts by the door but being inside from the bitter cold I decided I was in no hurry and just chilled out 'til one of Her roommates came back, confirmed that yes She still lived there, and no of course it wouldn't be a problem to put these bags in Her room.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Fac et spera
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVjJYZ_aD4k
I Came. I Expressed. I Gave.
I went back to the library and thanks to Mataji WindWalker had just enough leftover on the amtrak giftcard to get me back Home
I bought the ticket for the following morning
Then did some more scavenging for Brother Josh
Found a third bag full of granola/energy bars!
Then returned to the Church for one final night in Salem
Thanks Brother!
On the way through town to the train I had a lot of fun sharing the Granola Bar Blessing I'd received by leaving little offerings here and there for people to find
I Hope whoever Needs them most receives them
I felt pretty good about the short adventure considering all the food and supplies I had rescued and shared and with the successful delivery of the gifts and letter
It felt like a Victory for Love
Like, it's so cruel of You to Just ignore me as You are
It makes no sense to Me
I can't help but conclude You're under some kind of Evil Mind-Control and Need to Be Rescued
But in Life You don't Just magically get Everything You Want
(Though sometimes you get some free Granola Bars)
Just like Nami
You Have to Ask for Help
"If You Need Something, Ask."
Joe had said that, just before I left on My Journey, that time I brought Rudy to your House
But unlike Luffy
I can't keep quiet
I can't Help but Just Write Write Write in some desperate Hope
That My Words Will somehow Change Your Mind
That My Actions Will somehow Reach Your Heart
I lucked out and was invited to breakfast there after the service, then went to the library to write a bit and then pass out in the corner for a couple hours
Sister still hadn't messaged me so I was brainstorming what to do if She never did
I went back to Gulu-Gulu to do some more writing and played Bingo
While there I lucked out again and was offered Shelter in a church by another Brother named Josh
That Night was exceptionally Cold and Windy so I was exceptionally thankful
Walking the three miles through it to the church was hard enough
The night before I had found a case of water nearby where the church is but left it alone as that's heavy and no where to really pass it on
So to show my gratitude I went to grab that water case for Brother Josh and to my surprise found not one but two garbage bags filled with a wide assortment of different granola/energy bars
So I brought those over to the church and Josh and I had a pretty fun night going through 'em all
And I was able to sleep restfully inside from the Cold
Thanks Brother!
I had figured a good plan so the next day I walked across the town to Sister's apartment
The last time I was here was on my Mission to Maine when I rode LionHeart up there to try to Save Her Car
She wasn't talking to me though and the information She had given me was false and both my knees started giving out on me so
I failed
But I had ridden through Salem and stayed with Sister a couple days and that's when I introduced you two
Which was a long time comin' as you two are karmically connected through Me and I've known that I've had to connect you two together for some time
That went well!
But then Your bf at the time threatened to kill me if I didn't leave ('cause he's insecure with himself and was inhaling a bunch of nitros)
I wasn't scared of him—actually I was quite pleased because it showed me he really cared about You—but I didn't want to cause tension or stress so I got goin'
Not knowing when I'd see You again...
But that was like two years ago
So I wasn't sure if Sister still lived in the same place but figured I might as well go find out and if She did I could leave the gifts (which were rather heavy by the way) with Her roommates and they could put them in Her room or whatever
And that plan turned out to be Perfect!
I buzzed the wrong room number but they let me in anyways haha
I wrote a letter to leave the gifts by the door but being inside from the bitter cold I decided I was in no hurry and just chilled out 'til one of Her roommates came back, confirmed that yes She still lived there, and no of course it wouldn't be a problem to put these bags in Her room.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Fac et spera
I Came. I Expressed. I Gave.
I went back to the library and thanks to Mataji WindWalker had just enough leftover on the amtrak giftcard to get me back Home
I bought the ticket for the following morning
Then did some more scavenging for Brother Josh
Found a third bag full of granola/energy bars!
Then returned to the Church for one final night in Salem
Thanks Brother!
On the way through town to the train I had a lot of fun sharing the Granola Bar Blessing I'd received by leaving little offerings here and there for people to find
I Hope whoever Needs them most receives them
I felt pretty good about the short adventure considering all the food and supplies I had rescued and shared and with the successful delivery of the gifts and letter
It felt like a Victory for Love
Like, it's so cruel of You to Just ignore me as You are
It makes no sense to Me
I can't help but conclude You're under some kind of Evil Mind-Control and Need to Be Rescued
But in Life You don't Just magically get Everything You Want
(Though sometimes you get some free Granola Bars)
Just like Nami
You Have to Ask for Help
"If You Need Something, Ask."
Joe had said that, just before I left on My Journey, that time I brought Rudy to your House
But unlike Luffy
I can't keep quiet
I can't Help but Just Write Write Write in some desperate Hope
That My Words Will somehow Change Your Mind
That My Actions Will somehow Reach Your Heart
I Love You.
And I Respect You.
And I'm going to Write You a letter how I Feel and put it in a Magic Bag and fill that Magic Bag with all the Magic Gifts of Love that I collected for You as I traveled and I wish We could be together while I Give them to You but that's not what You want so I'm going to Just Jump out onto the streets in The Cold (With Faith in Above and Faith in my own Capabilities) to have them delivered to You even though You're Just ignoring Me and it's Killing Me
Because that's what makes Sense to Me and Because I'm NOT going to Let What We made together US Go to Waste and ROT because it is the most Beautiful thing in My Life and if it can Just be destroyed like this and if I can't do anything about it no matter what I do no matter how hard I try no matter where I go Who I am or Become then THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING TO ANYTHING LOVE IS A LIE I WANT TO DIE NOTHING MATTERS AND ALL THE LOVE I'VE EVER FELT IS A JUST AN ILLUSION AND WE'RE ALL JUST EATING EACH OTHER
And I'm Just going to have to move forward with that idea constantly stabbing me in My Heart every single day until You decide to talk to Me which I presume will be when You're bored of all the shenanigans You're up to chasing Money and Drugs and other such illusions and I can't Protect You I can't Guide You I can't DO FUCKING ANYTHING WHY WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME I LOVE YOU SO MUCH it's my own fault I took You for granted I didn't see what we had I Needed to Be Free I chased after others I Loved others and I wouldn't let any of them go and now here we are.
Or here I am at least.
Waiting for You.
'S rioghal mo dhream
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbqMagjpHD4
So in order to move forward
In order to exist in a positive place
Firstly I Need to Count My Blessings
I am thankful for Who and What I Am
What I'm able to Do and Who I Am able to Be in This World
I'm thankful for My Journey and The Good Work I Do and where I can Go
I'm Thankful for my ability to Give and I'm thankful for My Path in Life of Learning and Growing and what I'm trying to create and all the amazing People and Places I get to Meet and See along the way
I'm Thankful for my Family and all my Friends that Love Me
And I Am Eternally Thankful for The Lord and the Love and Guidance I Receive that I would be very very dead without.
Certainly, Quitting or even looking in that direction would be ridiculous
Yes, I may Just completely let go in my parents' kitchen and eat ALL the Peanut Butter (ALL THE PEANUT BUTTER) one night and cry for hours and do just like 50 push-ups then go to bed and sleep all day and really just accomplish nothing for days besides baking some cookies
And I may get into a pattern of having a few super healthy super productive days before some song triggers the memories and the meaning and the pain and loneliness just pours out and just knocks me over and I go to the cupboard to distract myself from these feelings that just won't stop but there's no more Peanut Butter left because I ate it all and it doesn't matter anyways because the food is just a distraction and I'm going to go through this process of feeling anyways and there's nothing I can do about it because I'm still where You left me I'm still there I'm in The Cold I'm in my parents home I'm warm I'm safe I'm eating All the Peanut Butter but My Heart is
STUCK
RIGHT
THERE
And I'm going to BE THERE until You Save Me or I Die because I'm NOT GOING TO LET IT END LIKE THIS I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU MAKE THIS MISTAKE
Most people say I Need to let You Go I Need to Move On I Need to find someone new
No.
This isn't Right.
This isn't fair to me.
This doesn't make sense.
You're too important to me
We built too much together for You to treat me like this.
Of Course You're Free to make whatever decision for Your Life You Want
You're Free to include or deny anyone in Your Life You Do or Don't Want
And maybe I'm biased
And I know I messed up so I'm not trying to say Everything is Your Fault
But You Are Wrong to leave Me Here and it's a Foolish and Sad thing that You've Done
I Am not in the Wrong.
I Am not Crazy.
I Am not up to No Good.
I Am in The Cold.
I Am Hurt.
I Am Sad.
I Need Help.
I Need Us to Be Good.
I Need to See You and Talk to You.
I Will not throw this away.
I don't care if I have every Right to
I don't care if it's the healthy thing for me to do
I don't care if it's what I should do
If I can't even See You and Talk to You
Then this Life is Over
The Bad Guys Won
I don't Exist
I missed the Big Ring at the end of Labyrinth Zone Act 1+2
I didn't explore the Core well enough
I missed a dumb treasure chest in one of the trials
I didn't recruit every Star of Destiny
I was too easy on myself and skipped my push-ups too often and now I'm Falling
I was somehow distracted away from Love by Peanut Butter or something
I DIDN'T LISTEN
And now all that's left is this blog
My Free Multi-Media Book Online
Half a Story about my Journey across the Country
Half a Story about My Love Life
And how those Two things interact.
I Put a lot into it
So I think it's worth checking out.
And here it'll be forever
As long as Google's servers remain operational anyways
So when I'm another one of those old men on the Streets
Rummaging through trash cans and flying a sign
"Anything Helps"
People can read My Story to really See how I got there
Of course that's not really necessary as we can summarize that in Just three words
She Said No.
Except She didn't say No.
She said three different words
"I Love You"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAVor-HdT2k
Those words
Those moments
That's what echoes in My Head
That's what resounds the Love I have for You through My Heart
So I Am afraid
I'm afraid I'm not gonna make it
I'm afraid I'll Freeze to Death
More than anything else
I'm afraid I Will make it and I Will survive
Only to be snuffed from Your life anyways
As unfairly and callously as the Present Moment
As the whole past Year
And when I look back at all I've done and All I've Given and All I've Wanted to Give
And All I've Given up
I'm afraid I won't be able to change the bitterness into Love
And that bitterness Will Twist Me
And I am so so afraid of that
Of growing into a Bitter Twisted Monster
And that's what other people don't understand
That's what You don't understand
Not unless You read this far
That You are the only one who can Save Me from that
I Need You Lili.
No not in any kind of fucked up way.
I Love You I only Want what You Want to Give to Me
But can You understand that if You don't Want to Give me anything
That after all the experiences we've had together
If You won't even Give Me a minute of Your Time
That if I mean that little to You
And there's nothing I can Do
As You follow some Path to Oblivion
(If You were on a Good Path Safe Learning and Growing I could so much easier Accept this and Be at Peace but I'm never even gonna know if You are or Not because You Cut Me Off without explanation and I'm in Perpetual Darkness)
Well now we're back to where we were before
Where Life has no Meaning and Love is a Lie and an Illusion and it doesn't matter how hard You Work or What You Do or Who You Become we're All Just Using and Eating each other
Deus refugiem nostrum
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAIcUVJS9Nw
Where Then is My Light?
Where Then is My Love?
It's You and it's been You since that Night You Danced Under The Stars
And I know You weren't dancing for Me
You were Dancing Your Dance
Your True Beautiful Amazing Dance of Triumph
But I was there You were with Me We were together and You Showed Me that Dance
How could I not Fall madly in Love with You?
And when I've literally left a Path of Tears from One side of this country to the other
Missing You
Hoping I could See You again
Wishing You were With Me
Running Away from Avoiding the Advances of or otherwise Rejecting Every Sister that was into me simply because they weren't You
What Do You Expect Me to Do?
I have this Giant Weight on my back
What Do You Want Me to Do With it?
You didn't tell me anything You Just left me in The Cold and Stopped Responding
What Are You Gonna Do With Me?
Every Dream Every Beautiful Possibility is Still There
I'm a Real Person
With Real Feelings
You're a Part of Me
And at this point I Hope You aren't reading
(So if You are Just staaahp and Call Me!)
Because this is stuff I've known all along but Wanted to Tell You myself
Looking into Your Perfect Brown Eyes
But I Never could because You always kept me an arms length away
And I didn't know how to get closer to You
But that didn't stop My Love for You from Growing and Growing
So I think You're Wrong where You placed Me
I think You made a mistake
I know that feeling You have for Me is Love
But what we Do with our Love
How We direct a Relationship
Is Up to Us
That's Our Free Will
I Know You Love Me
That's How I Got This Far
You Let Me in.
You Held My Hand.
You Fed Me and Sheltered Me.
You Told Me You Loved Me.
That's Everything.
What More Do I Need than that?
What More could I ask for?
And for that Love
For Just the chance to Give to You and See You
For another moment with You
The Next Page of Our Story
That We Write Together
I Need Nothing More
An Entire Universe
Infinity
Creation
All these Dreams and Possibilities
They're all behind this Door
One that I REFUSE to bar You from
One that I REFUSE to lock
No matter how much it hurts no matter how sad no matter what
This Door stays Open
And I'm right behind it
My Hand is Right Here
Because I Love You
I Love You
and when I said that I meant it
And I'm gonna Show You that
And I'm gonna Prove that
I'm gonna Prove that Love is Real
I'm gonna Prove that there is Meaning and Beauty and Hope to this Life
I'm gonna Prove that we don't Just Use each other
But We can Care and We can Actually Be Something for each other and We can Give and Grow
Together
And I Swear to You
That if Nothing Else
Not Even a Word Given
That There is Only One Thing I Need From You
And I'm going to Write You a letter how I Feel and put it in a Magic Bag and fill that Magic Bag with all the Magic Gifts of Love that I collected for You as I traveled and I wish We could be together while I Give them to You but that's not what You want so I'm going to Just Jump out onto the streets in The Cold (With Faith in Above and Faith in my own Capabilities) to have them delivered to You even though You're Just ignoring Me and it's Killing Me
Because that's what makes Sense to Me and Because I'm NOT going to Let What We made together US Go to Waste and ROT because it is the most Beautiful thing in My Life and if it can Just be destroyed like this and if I can't do anything about it no matter what I do no matter how hard I try no matter where I go Who I am or Become then THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING TO ANYTHING LOVE IS A LIE I WANT TO DIE NOTHING MATTERS AND ALL THE LOVE I'VE EVER FELT IS A JUST AN ILLUSION AND WE'RE ALL JUST EATING EACH OTHER
And I'm Just going to have to move forward with that idea constantly stabbing me in My Heart every single day until You decide to talk to Me which I presume will be when You're bored of all the shenanigans You're up to chasing Money and Drugs and other such illusions and I can't Protect You I can't Guide You I can't DO FUCKING ANYTHING WHY WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME I LOVE YOU SO MUCH it's my own fault I took You for granted I didn't see what we had I Needed to Be Free I chased after others I Loved others and I wouldn't let any of them go and now here we are.
Or here I am at least.
Waiting for You.
'S rioghal mo dhream
So in order to move forward
In order to exist in a positive place
Firstly I Need to Count My Blessings
I am thankful for Who and What I Am
What I'm able to Do and Who I Am able to Be in This World
I'm thankful for My Journey and The Good Work I Do and where I can Go
I'm Thankful for my ability to Give and I'm thankful for My Path in Life of Learning and Growing and what I'm trying to create and all the amazing People and Places I get to Meet and See along the way
I'm Thankful for my Family and all my Friends that Love Me
And I Am Eternally Thankful for The Lord and the Love and Guidance I Receive that I would be very very dead without.
Certainly, Quitting or even looking in that direction would be ridiculous
Yes, I may Just completely let go in my parents' kitchen and eat ALL the Peanut Butter (ALL THE PEANUT BUTTER) one night and cry for hours and do just like 50 push-ups then go to bed and sleep all day and really just accomplish nothing for days besides baking some cookies
And I may get into a pattern of having a few super healthy super productive days before some song triggers the memories and the meaning and the pain and loneliness just pours out and just knocks me over and I go to the cupboard to distract myself from these feelings that just won't stop but there's no more Peanut Butter left because I ate it all and it doesn't matter anyways because the food is just a distraction and I'm going to go through this process of feeling anyways and there's nothing I can do about it because I'm still where You left me I'm still there I'm in The Cold I'm in my parents home I'm warm I'm safe I'm eating All the Peanut Butter but My Heart is
STUCK
RIGHT
THERE
And I'm going to BE THERE until You Save Me or I Die because I'm NOT GOING TO LET IT END LIKE THIS I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU MAKE THIS MISTAKE
Most people say I Need to let You Go I Need to Move On I Need to find someone new
No.
This isn't Right.
This isn't fair to me.
This doesn't make sense.
You're too important to me
We built too much together for You to treat me like this.
Of Course You're Free to make whatever decision for Your Life You Want
You're Free to include or deny anyone in Your Life You Do or Don't Want
And maybe I'm biased
And I know I messed up so I'm not trying to say Everything is Your Fault
But You Are Wrong to leave Me Here and it's a Foolish and Sad thing that You've Done
I Am not in the Wrong.
I Am not Crazy.
I Am not up to No Good.
I Am in The Cold.
I Am Hurt.
I Am Sad.
I Need Help.
I Need Us to Be Good.
I Need to See You and Talk to You.
I Will not throw this away.
I don't care if I have every Right to
I don't care if it's the healthy thing for me to do
I don't care if it's what I should do
If I can't even See You and Talk to You
Then this Life is Over
The Bad Guys Won
I don't Exist
I missed the Big Ring at the end of Labyrinth Zone Act 1+2
I didn't explore the Core well enough
I missed a dumb treasure chest in one of the trials
I didn't recruit every Star of Destiny
I was too easy on myself and skipped my push-ups too often and now I'm Falling
I was somehow distracted away from Love by Peanut Butter or something
I DIDN'T LISTEN
And now all that's left is this blog
My Free Multi-Media Book Online
Half a Story about my Journey across the Country
Half a Story about My Love Life
And how those Two things interact.
I Put a lot into it
So I think it's worth checking out.
And here it'll be forever
As long as Google's servers remain operational anyways
So when I'm another one of those old men on the Streets
Rummaging through trash cans and flying a sign
"Anything Helps"
People can read My Story to really See how I got there
Of course that's not really necessary as we can summarize that in Just three words
She Said No.
Except She didn't say No.
She said three different words
"I Love You"
Those words
Those moments
That's what echoes in My Head
That's what resounds the Love I have for You through My Heart
So I Am afraid
I'm afraid I'm not gonna make it
I'm afraid I'll Freeze to Death
More than anything else
I'm afraid I Will make it and I Will survive
Only to be snuffed from Your life anyways
As unfairly and callously as the Present Moment
As the whole past Year
And when I look back at all I've done and All I've Given and All I've Wanted to Give
And All I've Given up
I'm afraid I won't be able to change the bitterness into Love
And that bitterness Will Twist Me
And I am so so afraid of that
Of growing into a Bitter Twisted Monster
And that's what other people don't understand
That's what You don't understand
Not unless You read this far
That You are the only one who can Save Me from that
I Need You Lili.
No not in any kind of fucked up way.
I Love You I only Want what You Want to Give to Me
But can You understand that if You don't Want to Give me anything
That after all the experiences we've had together
If You won't even Give Me a minute of Your Time
That if I mean that little to You
And there's nothing I can Do
As You follow some Path to Oblivion
(If You were on a Good Path Safe Learning and Growing I could so much easier Accept this and Be at Peace but I'm never even gonna know if You are or Not because You Cut Me Off without explanation and I'm in Perpetual Darkness)
Well now we're back to where we were before
Where Life has no Meaning and Love is a Lie and an Illusion and it doesn't matter how hard You Work or What You Do or Who You Become we're All Just Using and Eating each other
Where Then is My Light?
Where Then is My Love?
It's You and it's been You since that Night You Danced Under The Stars
And I know You weren't dancing for Me
You were Dancing Your Dance
Your True Beautiful Amazing Dance of Triumph
But I was there You were with Me We were together and You Showed Me that Dance
How could I not Fall madly in Love with You?
And when I've literally left a Path of Tears from One side of this country to the other
Missing You
Hoping I could See You again
Wishing You were With Me
Running Away from Avoiding the Advances of or otherwise Rejecting Every Sister that was into me simply because they weren't You
What Do You Expect Me to Do?
I have this Giant Weight on my back
What Do You Want Me to Do With it?
You didn't tell me anything You Just left me in The Cold and Stopped Responding
What Are You Gonna Do With Me?
Every Dream Every Beautiful Possibility is Still There
I'm a Real Person
With Real Feelings
You're a Part of Me
And at this point I Hope You aren't reading
(So if You are Just staaahp and Call Me!)
Because this is stuff I've known all along but Wanted to Tell You myself
Looking into Your Perfect Brown Eyes
But I Never could because You always kept me an arms length away
And I didn't know how to get closer to You
But that didn't stop My Love for You from Growing and Growing
So I think You're Wrong where You placed Me
I think You made a mistake
I know that feeling You have for Me is Love
But what we Do with our Love
How We direct a Relationship
Is Up to Us
That's Our Free Will
I Know You Love Me
That's How I Got This Far
You Let Me in.
You Held My Hand.
You Fed Me and Sheltered Me.
You Told Me You Loved Me.
That's Everything.
What More Do I Need than that?
What More could I ask for?
And for that Love
For Just the chance to Give to You and See You
For another moment with You
The Next Page of Our Story
That We Write Together
I Need Nothing More
An Entire Universe
Infinity
Creation
All these Dreams and Possibilities
They're all behind this Door
One that I REFUSE to bar You from
One that I REFUSE to lock
No matter how much it hurts no matter how sad no matter what
This Door stays Open
And I'm right behind it
My Hand is Right Here
Because I Love You
I Love You
and when I said that I meant it
And I'm gonna Show You that
And I'm gonna Prove that
I'm gonna Prove that Love is Real
I'm gonna Prove that there is Meaning and Beauty and Hope to this Life
I'm gonna Prove that we don't Just Use each other
But We can Care and We can Actually Be Something for each other and We can Give and Grow
Together
And I Swear to You
That if Nothing Else
Not Even a Word Given
That There is Only One Thing I Need From You
From Romance of the Three Kingdoms
For a palace this maiden was born,
So timid, so graceful, so slender,
Like a tiny bird flitting at morn
O'er the dew-laden lily-buds tender.
Were this exquisite maid only mine,
For never a mansion I'd pine.
I was always a fan of Lu Bu because he risked Everything he had for Love.
The music calls; the dancer comes, a swallow gliding in,
A dainty little damsel, light as air,
Her beauty captivates the guest yet saddens him within,
For he must soon depart and leave her there.
She smiles; no gold could buy that smile, no other smileth so,
No need to deck her form with jewels rare,
But when the dance is over and coy glances come and go,
Then who shall be the chosen of the fair?
He tied up his steed at the entrance and, halberd in hand, went to the private apartments to seek his love. He found her and she told him to go out into the garden where she would join him soon. He went, taking his halberd with him, and he leaned against the rail of the Phoenix Pavilion to wait for Cicada...
...Thus speaking she seized the curving rail as if to jump into the lily pond. Lu Bu caught her in his strong arms and wept as he held her close.
"I knew it; I always knew your heart," he sobbed. "Only we never had a chance to speak."
You stand, a dainty maiden
Your cherry lips so bright
Your teeth so pearly white,
Your fragrant breath love-laden;
Yet is your tongue a sword;
Cold death is the reward
Of loving thee, O maiden.
In the book, Diaoch'an (aka Sable Cicada) is actually used as a pawn by the Ancient Chinese Court to sow dissension between the Tyrant in power, Dong Zhuo (aka Tung Cho), and his son, Brave and Fierce Warrior, Lu Bu.
She is introduced to Lu Bu who naturally falls in Love with Her.
Then is introduced to Dong Zhuo who naturally lusts after her.
This betrayal, and the fact that Dong Zhuo was a tyrannical maniac, leads Lu Bu to betray him and stab him in the throat, which frees China of his oppressive rule.
Just introduce a woman,
Conspiracies succeed;
Of soldiers, or their weapons,
There really is no need.
They fought their bloody battles,
And doughty deeds were done;
But in a garden summer house
The victory was won.
Despite everybody being pretty happy about Dong Zhuo getting his neck slashed by a Halberd
Diaoch'an is criticized for manipulating and scheming.
"Though you love me yet I must not stay here. That Lu Bu will do me some harm if I do. I fear him."
Obviously she was lying to the Tyrant and suffering by his hand to end his menace.
But the only Question that really matters is
Did She Really Love Lu Bu?
I'm a big fan of the video game series created from it
Dynasty Warriors
After recovering
In an effort to rise above my propensity to distract myself from depressive feelings by overeating
I Initiated a seven day fast
My longest one yet!
We're all out of peanut butter here anyways
There's like all this Hope that You're going to read that letter
And The Journal #7 I left
And the Christmas Card...
And It'll somehow reach You
Change Your Mind
Make You Feel
And get You to Call Me
Talk to Me
See Me
That's the Left or Right in Our Lives
Coming together as a couple changes our Path
You chose him three years ago
Moved in with him
Went to school nearby
And now You still Live in the area
For Example
And I'm sure all the Love and Time You shared with him changed who You were
That's Just what Love and Time does
It's usually pretty Wonderful
In my experience anyways
How Will My consistent Energy in Your Life effect You?
Do You think I'd be bad for You?
Do You think I can't Give You what You Need?
Who Do You think We'll Be?
Do You think You wouldn't be Happy?
Is it really Just Not What You Want?
How do You Know if You won't give it a try?
Don't I Deserve a Chance?
Don't You Deserve to Know what You're Running Away From!!?
There's some kind of Wall between Us
I can Feel You sometimes through it
Or maybe that's Just my Love for You
But I can't stand this Wall
It's not the Same Wall as the one I had been seeing for Years
The one I Burst Through back in Texas thanks to You
Ha
Thanks to You
Again
Even like this
Your Existence Still Guides Me
You're a part of Me
It's not All in My Head
It's in My Heart too
And if You Ask Me
That Means it's Real
My Love for You
Our Love
All The Dreams
Hopes and Visions
All Still Possible
Just Waiting to be Experienced
Just Beyond This Wall
I'm at the Gate
Just Waiting for You to Open it
And I Will Tell You What
As far as I'm concerned
Ain't nobody getting passed Me
Except Pray
And Believe in that.
Believe that God is Listening
That The Lord Will Show You Mercy
Guide You as I am Guided from Destruction
That You won't be Sacrificed because
I EXIST
I'M HERE
AND I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU
MY VOICE SPEAKS FOR YOU
As My Fingers Aflame
Type for You
As I Trust my Readers
Pray for You
As I Do All I can Do
Wait for You
Strength is a funny thing too
I remember being cowardice
Fearing being Strong
'Cause if You don't Take then You don't Get
There's a great conundrum for us all
And if You want to know some Truth yeah
That one Hurt A LOT
IT HURT SO FUCKING MUCH
I still haven't healed from that
I still Scream remembering
The fact that She doesn't give a Shit about Me at all and won't even talk to me certainly doesn't help
My Angel eased My Pain but She couldn't Heal me
And that was something I thought She understood
But She didn't so She was Hurt and offended so She cut me off
I Just wish She'd understand that at least
It won't make it Hurt any less for Her
But I Loved Her phenomenally I'm still shedding tears for Her but I came to know that I Needed Her and Her
I was Right, too
I Needed to go to New Orleans I Needed to Save Her I Needed to Be Free to do that and I Needed to do Everything I could
That was Healing for me, even though I left with new wounds
And I Needed to reach for Her too
A 46 Page Epic Love Poem is a lot, y'know
That was Just floating around in my Heart
Now that it's out I can't Just forget about it
I can't Just pretend
Like, oh, I'm lonely, nevermind
No.
I already figured it out
If I coupled with anyone now
I'd Just being using them
I'm lonely and have a lot of sexual energy and I'm absolutely overflowing with Love for Women of all shapes and sizes
I've been told I'm not too bad looking myself
So I'm what is known by some Demons as, "food"
Basically, an easy person to have sex with then get rid of
Except FUCK YOU I'm in control of myself I don't Need to use a Sister's body
I'm too fast they can't catch me I'm too disciplined I won't Give in
I'm too in Love with You
I DON'T WANT THEM I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE
God DAMN IT it I'm Intense because I'm having an Intense experience
And I can't believe She would say I'm making it up
It's so fucking unfair to me
Like I would Never EVER EVER leave ANY OF YOU out in The Cold
But whatever I'm not gonna start listing the ways I'm more mature than y'all
That's Just some bitterness
It doesn't help it Just hurts
Loving You each Unconditionally is the only Path for me
You taught me how to Love myself
But I don't believe in Loving yourself Unconditionally
If you're a terrible person and you go around hurting and abusing people maybe you shouldn't Love yourself
To Love yourself You have to Be a person You would Love
Action—what You Do—is Who You Are
So You have to Live up to that
Your own expectations of Yourself
Like I know I'm gonna make it to the Coast
That's My Dream
That's Everything to Me
I have a bunch of other amazing things I want to do in this life
I'm Healthy and Young and Smart enough
But if I'm Just gonna be in pain every day and Never Love Again
There's a part of Me that honestly thinks
"Why Am I Still Alive?
Oh Yeah.
The Bike Ride."
And I'll finish this book too.
Maybe that'll be the ending
I'll get to the Coast and Just keep going West
It Just hurts so much I can't move and I kind of want to die.
It's really frustrating like I Want to be training I Want to be Building myself into a Champion I Want to be excelling and building My Self into the Best Me I can Be and working towards my Future but I'm so fucking Sad I can't find any motivation I can't find any way out I can't even find a good place to die I'm just hiding in my room like I'm a teenager again.
Which I guess I should be thankful for I guess I Am but I'll tell You if there was some front lines to go die on I'd be there screaming leading the charge
But I can't throw my Life away
I have to reign in my self-destructive reckless behaviors
I have to Relax!
That can be hard when I'm denying myself Food, don't much want to go out anywhere, and Just Do Not Understand nor Accept Why things have to Be This Way.
But I Must Keep Hope
I Must Hold on to Love and Care
For Myself
For The World
For Them
That's Who I AM
And one of the things that keeps me Going is Just Being Myself
And that means Action
Interacting with My World
That means Keeping My Word
Doing What I Know I Need to Do
That means Living up to My expectations of my Self
Not being Lazy Not making Excuses Going the Distance for Love
Seeing this pains me
Thinking of You like that I brake down into tears
Imagining You unhappy and scared and being Hurt
A Close Sister and I had the wonderful opportunity to catch up and she said to me, "Seems to me She put those there for You. She was getting rid of them. It didn't matter to Her where they went. She went out of Her way to bring them back to You, for You."
I know You don't Want Stuff
I know You let go and moved on
So I can't Give You these Christmas Gifts I gathered for You
And You probably don't Want the gift bag and the letter from last Christmas either...
But I had Rode for Her
And I had Endeavored and Waited for Her
So I Need to at Least Prove to You I Care
Care enough to Do This
And if it bothers You I'm Sorry
But I'm Not Going to Stop Being Who I Am
And Call Me if You Need Me.
John 10:11
"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired man, since he is not the shepherd and doesn't own the sheep, leaves them and runs away when he sees a wolf coming. The wolf then snatches and scatters them. This happens because he is a hired man and doesn't care about the sheep."
I'm scared of how long I'm going to be alone for
Some guys like this or that I don't know I'm Not That Way I was Never meant to be alone for so long I'm barely keeping it together
I'm scared of the bitterness I have to endure
I don't want to be angry at You I don't want to think ill of You at all I Hate myself for it I Need Us to Be Beautiful it Hurts Hurts SO MUCH
I'm so tired of the lonely nights
So Beyond Tired
Wondering if You're okay
Worrying Endlessly
Another Year
Another Year
I am So Sad
Just So Sad
Part of me thinks
"Can't ya Just Kill me already?"
By the time You finally read this and get to me I'm going to be so broken I don't think You'll even be able to put me back together let alone Love and Want whatever it is I become
Can I still climb Mountains?
Can I still Fight the Good Fight?
Can I Finish My Ride?
What Do I tell this voice inside
"Why bother? Your work amounts to nothing. You've Lost All Your Love and Nothing Matters. You're Dead."
But that's Despair
I know that doesn't help
I know that if I'm going to have any chance at the Happy Ending I Want
Or at least Just Experience The Dreams with You I've been carrying
I HAVE TO PUSH ONWARD
I WANT TO LIVE
This is My Time
I Want to Share it with Someone
I Want that Someone to be You
If I take on anyone else
I could lose my chance to Join Together With You
Even if it's just a hook-up
NO That's Not What I Want that's NOT WHAT I NEED
I Want You I don't Want to Give this Gift to anyone else
And if I did I'd Just be using someone because I'm Sad and Lonely and can't Be With You and it'd be pathetic terrible and such a massive personal failure on my part that I'd probably want to Kill Myself
Forgive Me for my propensity to Think Endlessly especially on such topics but I know—I Have to Be Alone
I Have to Wait for You
I Have to because I Love You
I Have to because that's the Choice I Made
I Made that Choice because I Wanted to
Because I Want You
It was My Free Will
I had other options I could Choose to walk out of this Dark Place You put me in
But to Do So Would Be to Forsake You
Perhaps Not—Perhaps You really don't Need Me at All
But I Am Blind
I Cannot See You in Your World
So I Can't Take the Chance
Because I Know some of Your Struggles and I Know
YOU CARRY THEM
SO I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM HERE FOR YOU
AND I'M WRITING ALL THIS SO YOU CAN SEE THAT I ALWAYS WAS
AND THAT THIS LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU IS REAL AND WAS FROM THE START AND I HAVE TO PROVE THAT TO YOU AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW TO DO SO
BY LITERALLY DESTROYING MYSELF DENYING MYSELF OF WHAT I NEED
SO THAT I CAN BE FREE
TO SAVE YOU
I once met a Werewolf
He was quite the Monster
And Powerful
I don't think I could have beaten him at the time
Luckily it was at a Neutral Ground
He said once a month, he'd go out and eat someone
I have always been afraid of becoming that
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AFRAID OF BECOMING THAT
I have always hated Men because of this
Myself Especially
That's What I've Carried
It was You that Free'd Me
You showed me that was not who I was
You showed me Beautiful Real Love
You Lifted Me to a Place where I was able to Love My Self
So that I would Never ever become that Monster that I Hated myself for my entire after Childhood life
Your Beautiful Real Love Saved Me
Love We Built Together
Love that The Lord Gave to Us
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgWtMZmbr-w
During those Magical months of preparation before the initial onset of My Journey
I had so much Love in my Life.
After my engagement ended
And I knew I was going to leave
I didn't Want to be Tied Down I couldn't Be
And I Wanted to experience Loving multiple people at once
I always thought I was that way that I could do that
And I Was Right.
Those Days were such a wonderful Gift to Me
The Best Days of My Life I Feel
Of Course I Want that again
But as I've said Over and Over
No One is Disposable
Each of You are irreplaceable
Each Relationship Each Story Each Sister Unique
I Love You All
So I can't Just find a new group of Sisters
What kind of Love is that?
That's not how Family works.
I carry those memories with Me
My Heart remembers each of You
But I Want to Create with You
These following poems
I Wrote them All Years ago
During those Days
You Might remember a few
Goodbye
Is longing not such a wonderful agony?
And Powerful
I don't think I could have beaten him at the time
Luckily it was at a Neutral Ground
He said once a month, he'd go out and eat someone
I have always been afraid of becoming that
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AFRAID OF BECOMING THAT
I have always hated Men because of this
Myself Especially
That's What I've Carried
It was You that Free'd Me
You showed me that was not who I was
You showed me Beautiful Real Love
You Lifted Me to a Place where I was able to Love My Self
So that I would Never ever become that Monster that I Hated myself for my entire after Childhood life
Your Beautiful Real Love Saved Me
Love We Built Together
Love that The Lord Gave to Us
I had so much Love in my Life.
After my engagement ended
And I knew I was going to leave
I didn't Want to be Tied Down I couldn't Be
And I Wanted to experience Loving multiple people at once
I always thought I was that way that I could do that
And I Was Right.
Those Days were such a wonderful Gift to Me
The Best Days of My Life I Feel
Of Course I Want that again
But as I've said Over and Over
No One is Disposable
Each of You are irreplaceable
Each Relationship Each Story Each Sister Unique
I Love You All
So I can't Just find a new group of Sisters
What kind of Love is that?
That's not how Family works.
I carry those memories with Me
My Heart remembers each of You
But I Want to Create with You
These following poems
I Wrote them All Years ago
During those Days
You Might remember a few
I brought you our child
She was a gift from The Universe
A reward for our efforts
We've both been working hard, to better our lives
And now we say goodbye see yah
Because we'll meet again some day
I know we'll meet again some day
I have to believe we'll meet again some day
What could I do if I did not believe that?
I can't complain
We're both getting exactly what we asked for.
(You place my hand over our child)
I feel her pure warm energy radiating to us
as I feel your electricity pour into my being.
Our heads bow together and touch
I can feel you. I can hear you. We are as one as two can be.
She shows us the secrets of our selves.
Then why..? Free Will.
Then why..? Hardship. We are but children.
Then why..? We all want our story.
Our doubt completes the circle.
Were we ready for this?
I knew from the moment we met
Something was the same
You figured it out that day
Our core
And though we are different people and our paths take us separate ways
Our core will always remain
We'll be changed, grown, but
Our core will connect us again
We will connect again.
To miss
the sight of a person
the sound of their voice
the touch of their hands
the taste of their skin
the smell of their Love
all these unique onto them
An Ocean of thoughts
swirl in my head.
All of You
or about You.
I'm drowning in it,
this whirlpool we created.
I flail and thrash
grasping for the memories
but I can't hold on to them all
tumbling,
floating,
sinking.
I am carried to the center
but I am not afraid.
What could await me there
but your Love?
That is where I find You
as out of control as I am
feigning confidence
to navigate the current.
Take my hand, I say
so that we may spiral out of control
together, and look not into the distance
or the void that threatens
to eat our being
but into each others' eyes.
There is something in that
for each of us.
We Just have to stare long enough
to find it
before the wind and waves
of this storm we've started
tear us apart
yet again.
Point
I come from You.
We three melded together with everyone
I can not create life!
Every single organism
Tree to human to ladybug
Each a gift to this world
The Sun is our Father
The Earth is our Mother
We are all the same
Just on different levels
So we made our own pets
They're cute, right?
This one can toast.
This one can blend.
This one can connect me to another on the other side of the world.
But none of them bear more by themselves.
We have to create them ourselves
with our hands.
That's how we'll make life
with our hands.
And the life we make will make our lives easier
It will perform its task and go to sleep
The life we create serves us, but it doesn't mind
And we'll become Just like it
And we won't have to think
We'll just toast some bread, "here"
We'll just blend some fruit, "have a good day"
We'll stay connected to everyone all over the world, "talk to ya later"
Connecting in person is hard
It's easier on the screen
It doesn't hurt
It's all numbed
I can pretend I'm connecting with people
I can pretend I'm the hero
I can pretend I'm making love
and I don't even have to move
The illusion is better than the experience
Is this the next level?
Or a void we'll be trapped in forever?
...
We haven't lost our ability yet
to connect and become one
the process that brings new life
Do we truly have the power now
to decide our own path?
To dictate our own fate?
We are so small
How can we trust ourselves with this decision?
Making the decision ourselves
that's the whole point...
What will it look like
at the end?
I return to You.
Hey there Lili,
I made you a card
Just in case life,
ever gets hard!
So if you ever
are feeling a frown
give this card a read
to turn your mood around!
I know it's a bit sudden
and maybe even weird
But you mean a lot to me
and I want you to hear!
All about the ways
that you make me feel inspired
Just one little talk with you
gets me all up and fired
And of course you're beautiful
but this you already know
Still it must be said
in case seeds of doubt are ever sewn
Some guys might
want you as a trophy
But it's your soul that's spectacular
if only they could see
I can plainly tell
you'll do some amazing things
and that's obvious from all the Joy
that being with you brings
So give the world a smile
'cause I'm not the only one
that really truly Loves you
a whole lot! A bunch! A ton!
We all have the power to make our life a good life, but it takes hard work! There is chaos in the world. If we do not work hard we will be overtaken by it. We come from the universe and we return to it, but while we are here we have Free Will (unless we give that up). Some people give up their Will for the promise of a better life. But where you Give that Will is your Choice—Your Freedom.
Don't Sell Yourself to the Highest bidder
But Give of Yourself Freely
And Maintain Your Will
Your Self
Your Life
Your Love
Just in case you're feelin' kinda blue
No need to say nuthin' that's not why it was wrote
Just want you to have a nice day in your UConn Boat
I could never repay you for all the things you've given me
But I'm sure gonna try, let's hang out again, you'll see
Now no need to freak out, it's alright, calm down
So I write poems now and then, is it so bad to keep a guy like that around?
We wrote when I returned from Illinois
3,800 miles later
Just after that Christmas You Saved My Life
I reach into a pocket of the Jacket we swiped together—way back when
and pull out some buds of Ganja I forgot about with some lint.
I traded one of my pipes for the weed at that show
That show we both showed up to
We said, "hi"
Happy—ecstatic—to see each other
But somehow unable to fully show it
So we chatted and then left each other alone
You were surrounded by suitors anyways
All trying their best to impress you
I didn't actually mean to beat them at their own game and walk away
but I did.
Outside I traded for the pot—and he filled my curved experimental pipe
Then I traded a pipe for a gal's name and a gem stone.
She stuck it on my forehead like a little sticky note
And I sold the curved pipe
but suddenly realized that that was the pipe that was meant for You
It bends Just like a bolt of Lightning—Just like You
So I traded another pipe back to him
And went inside to find You.
You were talking with Carrot Man
I knew better than to interrupt.
As I waited, that gemstone fell off my forehead to the floor.
I Just starred at it and thought whether I should pick it back up or not.
I Just starred for a while there
Until I noticed Your stare on Me.
So I waved You over and started telling You about the gemstone situation
But when I got to the part about the pipe and gave it to You
You had a Turtle for me and a blunt you brought to smoke together
and the gemstone didn't matter anymore
Nothing else did, actually
We moved into the crowd and I saw your hand hanging behind You
I'm so afraid of being rejected by You. I'm so afraid of how much that would hurt.
But I took your hand anyway
And the moment I did—Everything changed
We were together—a pair
We smoked in the crowd and danced
We listened to the show together
And I couldn't help but pour my emotions to you through that small but complete connection
Somehow my fears came to surface and that pushed You away
I know what I'm doing—I know when to Give space
I knew to Just watch You Dance a Spell
and I knew when to Join You
Good ol' Bob Marley "I wanna Love yah" brought ya back—with my moves of course
We went and talked and I tried again to tell You how much I Love You
But it didn't work
Whenever I use words it doesn't work
So I meditated while you checked your phone.
We left together
Right outside a homeless dude with cold hands asked me for money
So I gave him all $60 I had, my gloves, and a pipe
What do I need that stuff for when I got You?
I noticed you were cold and put The Jacket on You
Then we kept walking 'til another guy asked me for money
Just a lucky quarter left, and he didn't want a pipe for some reason
But I made sure he knew it was lucky
Some frat guys walked past and I didn't like the way they looked at You
Didn't matter though—'cause I was there
Found a gemstone on the ground next—larger than the one I'd forgotten about—and in the shape of a Heart
Gave it to You—I'm sure You appreciated it
In the car You realized You lost Your phone
So we went back to Toad's to get it
The guy I gave my lucky quarter to helped You parallel park
And You gave him twenty bucks
And we all brought each other up
That's the way it should be!
You went ahead as I got stuck in the car 'cause of the Child Lock
Couldn't figure out what that meant.
The show was over, the crowd was about, and they weren't letting people back in
The door guys are so Jaded they wouldn't even make an exception for a Beautiful gal like You that lost her phone
But I talk to everyone
Went to college with the door man actually
And had Just given him a nice pipe the other night
for old times sake.
He couldn't say no to Me
So I went inside and got your phone
Right where you left it on that seat.
I avoided the temptation of acquiring a nice hat for You
And then guided us home
Back at my (parent's) place
We ate healthy food and listened to music and talked
And it struck me we are very much in Love and doing what couples do
And even though I have some suspicions otherwise
You don't want Me
So I held out my pinky
And asked if You'd be my Best Friend
'cause that's what I really Need
All my sexual energy is under complete control—though I don't know what to do with it now
We smoked up in my room
And I showed You how I've been making pipes
Then we went to bed—our knees touch—our hands touch—our heads touch
I put on Violent Mae—some sad rock songs that've been helping me with my heartache
And as you sleep I pour all these emotions into you as the music draws them out of me
I show You what she showed me—the infinite possibilities of The Universe
I enter Your Dreams and we play around in the cosmos
I didn't even know I could do that
These little connections are all I Need
I hope it's okay. Next time I'll ask before I take over Your Dream World.
The music keeps playing and my emotions are reaching You.
We Soar Together. We Cry Together. I upset You and You turn away, then come back.
I please You and You snuggle closer.
We make Love like this all night
Our Bodies enviously left behind on Earth
I only wish You remembered
But I suppose Your Soul knows
And that's good enough
Though as I finally fall into my own sleep
I wonder how long I'll have to wait
For You to Figure out You Want Me
And want to give Yourself to Me again.
Or maybe that's Just my ego talking.
In the morning I wake first
But don't move a bit—I Need to appreciate every moment I have with You.
Eventually out of bed we eat hemp seeds
And I curse the "Real World" for tearing us apart
Though I'm pretty sure The World we were in together last night is the "Real Real World"
I play some happy harmonica tunes as You leave
And watch until You drive out of view.
I don't know what we are or where we're going Lili
I don't know what You want from me and I don't think You do either
I don't know what God or The Universe has in store for us
All I know is I am in Love with you deeply
as I have always been since the moment we met
as I always will be until I cease to be.
I don't actually Need to put it into words
I know all this in my Heart to be true.
Just like I know I wore The Right Jacket that night.
Days later
When I pull out some buds of Ganja I forgot about with some lint
I realize that was one of the greatest nights of my life
And I get to writing it down
So I'll remember
And so I can show it to You
From My Perspective.
I wonder what yours was like...
From My Dream Big Journal
Written a couple months later...
I'm at the Shakedown Show, feeling pretty blue. Up Down Up Down. Loneliness, overwhelmed, lack of motivation, negativity, feels like depression, brings me down again and again, and I must climb back up over and over. I go straight to the Rainforest Cafe in the back and Just sit and try to process and meditate to lift myself up. It's not really working. Then Smiles comes by and introduces me to her mom. That brings me up enough that I go to the stage but I'm still too down to dance. I go outside and Just sit by my Scooter—which is pretty cool. Talk to a lot of folk. Eventually I meet Jackie. I feel it. She's a breathe of fresh air and she's into me and I'm Just uplifted like that and I feel great. Amanda didn't show up. I wanted her to. She didn't answer me either. I give the Hawk feather I intended to give to her to Jackie instead, along with my number. Jackie says she'll call. I feel great now and I go dance. Between dancing and hanging out on my scooter it's an awesome night—thanks to Jackie. On the way home I stop at a Krauszer's to warm up and a nice lady whose friend Just went into the hospital buys me some almonds. I give her an orange I Just DD'd at Aldi. When I get home I chat with Ian a while and go to bed at 5am.
The phone wakes me a few times, but it is not Jackie. I stay in bed—I don't want to be awake and deal with all the thoughts of her calling or not. I eventually get out of bed and despite the possibility of her calling I'm Just down that she hasn't yet. Some Martial Arts help but I fall back down again after. At least my muscles are a bit sore. I eat my meal and talk with my Brother and I Just don't know what to do with myself. I start coming up with plans to torture myself to prove myself or something—by running to Toad's. I wonder if it'd of worked. Ian asks me if I think that and other actions are going to make me stronger and I almost cry. I know I need to be stronger but I'm struggling to. I end up at BJ's and hang with him a while. We eventually get down to Toad's together for the Twiddle show and it's packed. I don't feel so bad at first and I walk around with a Kazoo and a cool dude named Earnest gives me an awesome Rainbow Lightning Pin!
Wow!
The Lightning sets me off though—Lili—and I go outside and the sadness comes. By the time Amanda shows up with a dude named Mike who "does a lot of stuff" I'm already low to the point where I'm not even affected. Her ignoring me throughout the night brings me a little lower over time, but I'm mostly affected by all the beautiful girls that fill me with longing that I'm not in a good enough place to talk with like I usually do. One smile makes the sadness go away. Their attention brings me Joy. How could I not conclude to need Women? Their energy is my drug. I'm addicted not to sex or Love—Just the attention of these angels. My God I want them. But I'm in a hole and I don't want to ask for them. They aren't a "thing" you ask for.
I want their Love. I long for it so intensely. I have Lili's—thank God I have Lili's—but she's not here and I can't have her. I tasted them—Lili and Hayley. A gift more valuable than anything else in The World. I'll hold on to those memories until the day I die. How can I let them go? How? Poetry photography writing music money things—I don't want anything else but them. They are paradise. I'll do anything for them. Forgive me Claire. I Love you too. I Loved you intensely and I wanted you in my life too and I would die for you Just as I would die for them I swear I would I only pray I have the courage when the time comes. Please let me be brave enough...
But that time is not now. Now I'm at Toad's, sad. Buried under my longing for the many angels I may not touch. Where can I go that I can find one who wants me? Did I run from the one who did? Audrey? Emily? I was a crazy fool—but to hold hands with Lili—My True Angel—I shall have no regrets. Yet, I am still trapped by my desire to have one. Am I worthy? Is there another out in The World who would have me? The only reason I can't devote myself to Lili is because I know the power Hayley has over me. I can not and will not lie. I can devote myself to Hayley because Lili has expressly rejected me time and time again and I can not let go of this longing or give up seeking this. And yet I have Lili's Love. I have it and it is everything to me. I have it, as she has mine, but my Lust and my Longing are not quenched. I am required by God to learn and admit that I do not need this—but what else do I have to fight for? This is what I've always wanted. To have an Angel—That is what I have always been searching for. I will continue to search until I die. If such a union is forbidden by God then I am on a path of self-destruction, which I tread helplessly, thrashing all the way.
I will not make a deal with the devil. I will not take such an amazing wonder of creation. Only by receiving does the gift have meaning. Only by rising to win Her favor will I earn that which I long for. How to do that I unfortunately do not know. Where she is I can only hope will be along my path. Of course I pray Hayley will re-enter my life but without her voice I can not wait. She is as free as I am. I would do anything within my capacity to reach her. But if she has flown away, then I must too. This is what we are. This is who I want to be. It is so hard but I think I'm slowly learning how to be this person.
Am I ready for my bike again yet? No, I need a sleeping bag. It is time I move past my depression and madness and broken heart. Emotions will come and go—but I must look forward. I must give myself Love until I find one who wants or needs it from me. One who Loves as I do. What I seek is not wrong. I Judge myself. I have tried myself. I know what I want. I have no idea what I "need," but I will push until it comes.
I must.
The above took place and was written Just after Valentine's Day about 3 years ago, 2016.
I didn't have the strength then to Wait for You as I Do Now
Funny how I'm in the exact same place
But as a Stronger and Wiser person.
I had wanted to be with You that Valentine's Day
But You didn't respond to my messages
And I didn't have the Strength to choose to be alone for You
But a week later the choice between Her and You was presented and I chose You without hesitation—like duh of course I'm NOT gonna miss Lili's birthday party.
The other option was a free ticket to a music festival in Costa Rica with a cool beautiful lady.
Paradise, right?
Nope
I'd of Just missed You
Thought about You the whole time
And would have totally regretted the decision.
Luckily I was wise enough to know that at least
Couple more poems for You from that time:
think of me what you will
But I went through a lot Just to get to you
From mountain to tower to hill
Maybe you think you don't deserve me
But lady I must protest!
I used to feel that exact same way
yet still I am an honored guest
You've always been a great mystery
one with great Joy I ponder
but I can see more than you think I see
when I stare out at stars and the great blue yonder
When you're ready take my hand
but not a single moment before
I can give you something priceless
memories of lasting rapport
We won't be together forever
and it'll hurt like hell when we have to go
But 'til that time we'll truly live
And in our Hearts we'll forever know
What it means to run away
together hand-in-hand
Hit The Road like Bonnie and Clyde
maybe start a cool traveling band
A poemy sort of letter/outpouring of emotions for the one-and-only-------->Lili!!
I don't need you to save me.
I hope I never made you feel burdened with that.
And maybe I did before
because you have saved me
many times.
Thank you.
Thank you for liking me.
Thank you for caring about me.
Thank you for thinking I'm cool—I only ever thought I was because you do
Thank you for trusting me—and giving me the chance to prove it
And Thank you for opening your door for me.
The fact of the matter is
You're my Dream Girl
You're perfect and amazing and the only answer that I ever came up with as to why you wanted to hang out with me
is that you must have been heaven sent
And I can only hope that you are able to take and learn from me even half of all the wondrous things that I've received and learned from you
Thank you for everything and Thank you for everything yet to come as you continue to bless my life with your presence and energy
(Pinky promise is a big deal right?)
We can call it Best Friends if you want
But I don't need a name for it.
You are Lili and I am Just Justin.
To spend time with you. To hold your hand. That's all I need.
What more could I ask for?
The Lightning Pipe
(2)
Legendary Artifact
Mythic
1: Put a Ganja counter on The Lightning Pipe
Tap, Remove X Ganja counters from The Lightning Pipe: Gain X life and deal X damage to target creature and draw a card.
"It bends Just like a bolt of Lightning—Just like..."
And this was from last year
The last time we hung out
Aside from that astounding serendipitous passing...
After much consideration, I decide it is important that I show up on Valentine's Day—the Day before actually, as I'm sure you've got plans the night of—so I load up my gifts and gear, hop a Bus to Boston (get lost—feed a homeless dude) then a train to Salem, then walk to Mandi's to ask for Joe's bicycle back, as I said I would do before Love and Honor called me to New Orleans.
Mandi is surprised but pleased to see me. She always liked me, I could tell. She doesn't seem too friendly towards You anymore, but she doesn't put up a fuss when I ask for the bicycle. She even lets me use her pump to fill the tires so it's ready to ride. I Give her the bamboo one-hitter in my pocket and ride towards Your new address in Peabody.
I forgot Your address so I have to double back to find wifi. I at last come to Your doorstep but no one appears to be home. I leave the bicycle and a few of my gifts for You, and as I turn to leave, there You are pulling in. I was ready when I knocked on the door. I had several smooth lines prepared. But once You step out of Your car they all disappear.
"Hey." Is all I manage at first.
"Hi..." You say a little suspiciously.
"I got your bike back! Like I said I would."
"Oh. Thanks." Fuck I Love how You talk.
"Surprise!" If I had some sort of ulterior motive I might be carrying myself pretty awkwardly—but I'm there because I Love You and I want to Give that Love to You as much as I can—as much as You'll allow. So with pure intentions...
"Can I come inside?"
"Sure..."
I'd Do Anything to Reach Your Heart
I Know We're meant to Be
But I Guess it's Up to God
I Guess Now isn't the Right Time
And that hurts and I can't imagine a good enough reason for it it's the Damn World getting in Our Way
BUT I WON'T LET IT END LIKE THIS
I
WILL
NOT
I Will Wait.
I Understand Now that that's what You've always Needed Me to Do.
I'm sorry I wasn't Strong enough before
But I Am Now.
I Will Sacrifice and Suffer for You
Because if that can help You
If that can lift You up
If that Earns Me You
Then this Love won't go to Waste
And We can Heal
And I Will Go to Hell and Back for that
For Just the Chance for any of these things
For You
John 10:14
"I am the good shepherd. I know My own sheep, and they know Me, as the Farther knows Me, and I know the Father. I lay down My life for the sheep. But I have other sheep that are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will listen to My voice. Then there will be one flock, one shepherd. This is why the Father loves Me, because I am laying down My life so I may take it up again. No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down on My own. I have the right to lay it down, and I have the right to take it up again. I have received this command from My Father."
"For you are called to freedom, brothers; only don't use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love. For the entire law is fulfilled in one statement: LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. But if you bite and devour one another, watch out, or you will be consumed by one another.
I say then, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you don't do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
...
the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, we must also follow the Spirit. We must not be conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."
I read these Holy Scriptures and try to apply the Wisdom I find there to My Life
But no matter what we learn we always have the choice.
Our Free Will Gives Life Meaning
The Lord Respects the Direction that We Choose for Ourself
Our Voice is Our Power
What We Say Matters
So Long as We Uphold Our Words
With Our Actions.
Well it's not exactly a Rocky Mountain 14er but...
...it's still a Mountain Top of sorts.
This is where I'd come through my Youth when I Needed to be alone.
When My Family was too much for me and the Chaos in My Room and My Head would be pressing on me and I Needed to Breathe I Needed Space
I Needed Solitude and I Needed Nature
I'd come here to think straight.
I'd come here to get away from Everything.
I'd come here to Pray before I knew what Prayer was.
So This is a Sacred Place to Me.
