Grateful For Life.

“The future depends on what we do in the present.”

~Mahatma Gandhi

So Who Do You Want to Be?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJhW1J6gIWA

Memories

I left Richmond, Virginia with my next destination set to Asheville, North Carolina, some 500 miles away, and the Appalachian Mountains as a Final Hurdle. This was still the beginning of My Journey, so I didn’t even know if I could do it. I hadn’t figured out My Limits yet. And it was a massive challenge, but I did climb that Mountain. Mount Mitchell. And flew into Asheville. The next day, muscles all sore, I bought my first Real Harmonica, then found myself at a Farmer’s Market. I was given food and met lots of cool people, including a Beautiful gal named Savannah. I was resting off to the side when a man approached me. He said his name Is Micheal and that he is an Angel. He began telling me many amazing things. Things I Needed to hear. My Heart Welled as I Knew that a Messenger from Divinity Above had been sent to me to guide me.

One of the things he told me of was Ayahuasca Tea, and the Shamans in Peru, and that I Needed to go there and take part in the Rituals. When he told me this, I Immediately thought of Her.

I Believed She Needed to Join Me.

The Zephyrs

My Winter Boots

I leave 'em at home, 'cause I Need 'em Here

That Night I met up with Savannah to hang out. She was hanging out with some degenerates that wanted to snort crack or something, so when I left that group to explore the city, I’m really glad she took my hand to Join Me. We chatted and walked around. I had not yet learned how to see women as Sisters, and I was Free as a Bird, so I Wanted her. All I really recall is we came upon a speaker playing music outside and the songs that came on reminded me of Her and Her and Her and Her and Her. And Her, too. (I hadn’t met Her yet). And I Just cried and cried. I’d been crying, actually, at least once every day at some point, missing one or the other of them. Savannah let me weep on her shoulder, and for that I am very grateful.

I slept on the front door of a church that night. I’m not very good at the whole, “Love ‘em and Leave ‘em” thing. Nor Am I good at hiding my feelings. Or Deception at all really (Unless we’re playing Risk muahahah). That was actually the first Church Door Step I slept on…

I knew that was going to be my biggest struggle from the very beginning, too. Riding a bicycle all day? Well that’s Work, but no big deal. Camping and Surviving and The Elements? Uhm, ADVENTURE! Not showering? lol. But being Alone? All the Time? No One to Hold? No One to Talk to, Share the Experience With? I prepared myself for that as much as I could but, I knew from the very beginning, that was going to be the hardest part.

It’s Still the Hardest Part.

When I broke my arm in Tennessee, She drove down and absolutely Saved my life (I'll tell that story another time). I'm sorry things didn't work out between us but I'll always be Grateful and Love Her for that and many other reasons and I simply Do Not Deserve Her. Along with the emotions I carry for others, I also have other Needs, that I Am Aware of, that She could not fulfill. But this story is before I fucked everything up...



I had bought the Ol' Girl, a reliable green old van from some folk in TN, and driven it up to New York. I met up with Her in Albany. I met Her at the bus station. After a jubilant reunion we were talking to some folk and someone asked Her if I was Her boyfriend. She replied,
"Oh, no! He's like a Brother to Me!"
Perhaps if I had been pursuing Her and had Desire for Her and had driven up there Just for that reason I'd of been disappointed and maybe had a different response, who knows.
But upon hearing that answer, I was suddenly reminded, from the very depths of My Soul, that I have always always always Wanted a Sister.
And there She was.
She is a Beautiful Girl and a perfectly viable romantic partner in every right
In fact I'm sure we'd be Great together
But in that moment My Heart was Deeply Moved and I fully Accepted Her as My Sister.
The next few days we had a pretty awesome adventure exploring the city
She was going through a very rough time and I was trying to help Her.
I Believe I did.
I remember one night, She'd given her number to some dude at a bar who then called Her.
She really went off on him, IF he was Just trying to get into Her pants.
She compared him to me, and spoke of Me highly,
"The Greatest Man I've Ever Met!"
I was Just sitting there listening.
I had finally found a Sister.

This experience with Her began a Transformation within Me.
I could look at Her and not Feel Want.
Which was a drastic change from before, whereas I couldn't walk into a Wal-Mart without Feeling Powerful Lust.
As I came to Understand that We only have so much Space in Our Hearts
And that I don't Want to Waste my Sexual Energy
That it's more Special and Beautiful when You Save it for someone You Care for
That it can be used to Create a Meaningful Trusting Relationship
That's when I started Seeing All Women as Sisters (or Matajis)
Aside from the few women that I've developed a Romantic Relationship with
They were the ones I could Direct that Energy to
They were
Are the women that it is For.
This Felt
Feels Right.
So I Believed
Believe in This.

Roger

Sporting his Woodland Armor

She actually came and joined Her and I on our adventure for a spell. She then went back home to Salem, and I followed Her back to Her home. Turns out, She was about to move to Maryland, and was going to have to make several 10-hour trips back and forth to move all Her things. But hey, I have this van, and I Need to drive it back that way anyways. So, of course I helped Her move! She wasn't quite ready to go yet though, and Her parents didn't Want me hanging around for weeks. Which I didn't want to do anyways, as it was July and I was in Full-on Adventure Mode. So I left the van in Her driveway and headed into New York City with Her. We walked around a bit which was nice, but then She headed back home, leaving Me there with nothing but a backpack, a towel, MY ID, and my sling for my still Broken Arm.
 I had Willingly chosen to be in that position in the city to challenge myself, now feeling ready for its Streets. I also decided to try to fast, for the first time. It was an amazing experience, walking around the streets of Manhattan, advertisements everywhere, my consciousness under constant assault to Relent and to WANT.
I didn’t eat a thing the first day.

And the second, She came into the city, to join me for a day of Adventure. The difference of being alone and with a Woman I Love is like Starving and Feasting. Literally. We walked around talking to people and each other. We fed a few people, or Just made their day by stopping and showing them some compassion. She had Her Hoops, and a cool dude named Madison walked past us and turned and said, “Hey! Cool Hoops!” which was enough to get past the walls people put up in order to walk those chaotic streets. Turns out he was a tour guide for Central Park. We followed him there where he gave us a Free Tour, including to a hidden spot off the normal trail to a small pond, where cool folk seemed to congregate to smoke. We hopped out on a large rock in the middle of the pond to sit and do so, and were soon joined by some other cool guys. Afterwards we got dinner at a cool local spot, then were invited to crash at Madison’s place.

Oh No!
I can't get into My Sacred Space here like this!

The next day, we had breakfast before leaving Madison's place and heading to Grand Central Station together. Once She left, Fasting and Struggling would resume, but until the moment the train pulled away, I was still with Her. Still in Bliss. Just before buying Her ticket however, two Beautiful gals Just approached us out of no where (Understand this normally doesn’t happen to me, ever) and after chatting a minute and everyone just being totally cool, we all went to a nearby park and Just chilled. Just me and Three Perfect Beautiful Women, one I was Deeply in Love with. My arm was broken, so I wasn’t too active, but we put music on and She Danced.

She Danced.

Just means I have Work to Do!

There.

I helped the Bamboo Stand Back Up...

As we sat there, a man of the Streets came by and asked for help. I couldn’t Give this Moment of Heaven to the Man, that was a Gift to Me, but I could Give Him Kindness, and Share some food. So actually stopping to See a fellow Human Being and show Compassion is a pretty huge difference from a Cold Shoulder. So it is that choice to which I attribute the Blessing. After accepting my food offering, out of no where he just suddenly started talking about Peru and Shamans and Ayahuasca Tea, and in that moment, I knew. We were meant to go there. I think about Her all the time anyways so I couldn’t be sure I wasn’t Just thinking about Her as normal when Micheal had spoken months prior. But in that moment, I knew—A Journey to Peru was a Gift to Us from God, and more than even meant to, that we both Needed to Go.

To Give Up on that? To throw that away? To reject it as some trifling thing? No. That makes No Sense to me. Absolutely None. Maybe there are things that can’t Wait. Maybe there are other Experiences that I Need to Have and I’m really sad She didn’t take my hand to Join Me. I'm really sad She's not the one I'm with now to share my Experiences with, if I'll be with anyone at all...

But A Gift From God? A Mission of Healing? An Adventure with a Woman I Love more than Life Itself? I Will be Waiting for that Until the Day I Die. Or, until She decides to Live that with Me.

Whichever Comes First.

...And created a Path.

The cold nights in Illinois had been wearing on me. My Knee had somehow been injured. I had fucked things up with Her (NOT what I meant to do) and neither Her nor Her were talking to me (and why would they be I was in the middle of Illinois!) and I Just could NOT stop thinking. Endlessly.

So I kind of Crash Landed in Carbondale and lived there for a little more than a month. I made a lot of friends there. A special little college town. I was busking with a Road Brother outside a Bar one night

When a Beautiful Gal took an interest in me and we chatted some and built a nice rapport.

I was absolutely madly in Love with Her at the time and had Vowed to Abstain from sex and romance until I saw Her again.

The Beautiful Gal followed me and the Road Brother to my apartment, where she promptly passed out on the floor, as she had clearly drunken too much alcohol

This Brother and I then had a sort of Battle of Wills.
We were both trying to subdue the other, and thus Gain Control over the Situation.

He is a Powerful Man, but so am I.

It was pretty Intense.

When she awoke, he offered her more alcohol, which was enough for me to see his intentions. He was actually on the Streets at the time, which was made known, and She invited him to her apartment. I invited him to just stay at mine, but he preferred her company, which further concerned me.

With his intentions revealed, and her clearly intoxicated, I could not allow this to pass. I walked with them to her apartment, and thankfully she invited me over as well. As she passed out in her bed, I quietly locked and closed the door to her room, and he and I slept on the couch. Gave myself a big pat on the back for that one.
He left in the morning. When she awoke her and I had a conversation on Safety. She Gave me a cool tye-dye T-shirt, and a Beautiful Glass Mushroom Drop on a necklace. One of the Sacred Treasures from My Journey.

I was actually really freaked out by this though, because I had trusted this guy and he seemingly almost raped this girl. I didn't know what further action I Needed to take.

Days later, I was about to leave town with some other travelers. They were pretty awesome, so I was having a party in their honor. Then, he showed up. And so did she. I was stressed out about it enough as it was, along with all the other mental/emotional stresses. So when they were both over I had a little panic attack. She left, and I ended up apologizing in tears to the Brother for Judging him. I knew I had done the right thing, 'cause Protecting Sister is what's most Important. But I thought that perhaps I was wrong in assuming he'd of harmed her, and had thus Judged him, so I FELT I Needed to apologize.

He said, "Don't Worry. You Had too."

And I was alarmed that he knew that.

I skipped town the next day and began heading back home.

This experience taught me a lot about Life and Judgment.

That man is actually the man who taught me how to create Pipes out of Bamboo, which upon returning home, poured myself into, and now it's one of my main things! Bamboo has a lot more meaning to me than Just my experiences with him, but he's the one that showed me some of what I could Do with it.

I only Harvest the stalks that have already felled

Rather than Just let it break down here

I'll turn it into Art!

After my wounded Knee, wounded Mind, and wounded Pride sent me home from Illinois, I was morbidly Depressed, as I had basically just failed at my Destiny

I started making Bamboo pipes and studying Philosophy of Art.
I poured my emotions into this endeavor and definitely learned what it means to be an, "Artist."

I’d go down to my favorite music venue ever, Toad’s Place, and trade or give or sell ‘em

There is so much meaning to me within the Bamboo, and I'd put a lot of emotion into each Pipe I'd Craft.

That’s how I Know they’re Magic.

The Bamboo Art really saved me.
It was something Real I could focus on. Something I'd Gained from My Journey. Something I could Do to Grow while I was stuck at Home, My Wings clipped. During those days, She kept me together (one of the times I count as Her saving My Life), but I only saw Her maybe twice a month. Her Existence in My Life meant the World to me, but Oh! How I longed to see Her more...
It Just Wasn't Enough.
In addition to Feeling like a Failure and the resulting depression, I was further hampered daily by my intense feelings of loneliness, and, my powerful male urges.

Some time in February, I had harvested a special piece of dried out bamboo.

In a torrent of aroused Loneliness I etched in “WANT” to the bamboo and headed to Toad’s with Just that pipe.

I hadn’t heard from Her in a week, maybe? Maybe more?

I Needed More, that’s for sure.

So when I met “A” and she admired my pipe,

“Ooooo. I WANT this!”

My face changed.
My Heart could Feel it.
There’s Magic in that Pipe, so I knew.

“It’s Yours.”

My first art table at the Music/Art show, Heady.

The second and third ones with Her were both much better.

But it was a great Night regardless and I was figuring out the scene and how to display my wares.

“A” showed up

I had mentioned to her I had a table there when I gave her the WANT Pipe.

My brother got too drunk and almost made an idiot of himself but I smoothed things over.

She needed a ride home

So of course, I escorted her home safely, and that was that.

Modeling for my Brother how one safely escorts a Lady in Need of Escort to her doorstep.

It was a pretty Cool Night

Her and I started chatting on FB afterwards

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9F3UpGdCe_8

I Wanted to See Her.

I had made it clear I had returned. The Shakedown shows at Toad’s was where Her and I had met. I announced I’d be at the New Year’s Show. I was hoping She was going to be there. I still remember my disappointment, as everyone yelled Happy New Year, looking around and not seeing Her.

That was the first of Three New Year’s that have been very very Sad for me on account of Her.

And that’s kind of funny too…

Well, at least we’re consistent.

So that was Just another thing on top of the failing at my Destiny/Life Purpose Depression Struggle.

(Though I'll say now, returning home apparently saved my Father’s Life, so I am thankful.
He wouldn't admit back then that he Needed me, but I guess he did.
Still, I wouldn’t feel good about myself until I returned to Illinois, to continue the Journey, more than a year later.
And that's All thanks to Her).

The very next night after New Year’s I found myself at Toad’s again.

A Zach Deputy show

I wore a different Jacket that night.

One I had gotten at Uconn at the “been here a while” table in the North Campus Resident Laundry Room.

The Right Jacket.

So after that Night I was totally in Love with Her actually, and the only reason She was on My Mind was because She wouldn’t respond to me for a week or more at a time and would only see me every few weeks.

You also expressed how we were, “Just Friends” even though we were clearly more than that.

I was proving to You that You could Trust Me

Which was, apparently, a mistake (imagine that) because rather than making Love together and building our relationship in that direction, You came to not Trust me anyways even though I have never once betrayed that Trust and I completely Lost You, leaving me in a confusing hellish pit (that was a year ago. And is also Right Now, again).

Jesus came and pulled me up and then I climbed a bunch of Mountains and stuff but not a day passed I wasn’t think of You and…
Well y’all should know this already.

Anyways, the point is, I had a chance with You, but I accepted the “Just Friends” thing too easily, because at the time I didn’t See the Beauty and Meaning and Depth of what we had

Have.

So in accepting that, honestly you satisfied every need for Love that I had (if only you spent a little more of your Time with Me) except for… My Fierce Desire for your Body. My Sexuality.

NOT having sex with You when You had expressed want for a platonic relationship and proving my Care and Respect for You and Your wishes I felt was the Greater Expression of Love I could then Give to You.

So No, it wasn’t A Mistake.

But, waking up in the middle of the night with soiled undergarments was embarrassing.

I could have been patient but You weren’t seeing or talking to me enough.

So as Valentine’s Day approached, I really really didn’t want to be alone.

You’re the one I Wanted to be with.

OrAnd Her but She wasn’t talking to me at all.

I Wanted to take You to Shen Yun

Oh, it’d of been Perfect!

We’re Both Dancers!!

We’d of been inspired!!!

I STILL WANT TO GO SEE SHEN YUN WITH YOU

Every time I See the Poster for it

It’s You Dancing on it

Reminding Me of where I’m trying to get to.

But back then, You didn’t respond to me, at all.

“A” did.

And I really really didn’t want to be alone.

So I met up with her and we got burritos.

She Wanted to go to a show but my folks were having a party at our home and I convinced her to come over first.

We didn’t end up going to the show.

We didn’t end up sleeping either.

The next morning walking down to the lake together

And even though I had Just had a splendid Night with Lady “A”

Suddenly something felt, Off

I recalled a couple weeks prior, when You and I were in the exact same place there on the dock, and I was simply looking at You, Love Pouring from My Heart. Like a Torrent. Just looking at You, completely in Love with You, knowing I’d Love You ‘til the Day I Die, My Heart Feeling like it was Just bursting at the seams.

And now here I was, there, with “A”

I... Had Broken My Vow.

I… Had made a Mistake.

I helped “A” run a couple errands before dropping her back off at home

She was about to go to Costa Rica

To volunteer at a festival
(She's where I got the idea for the Music Festival Bike Tour actually, which was EPIC)

She invited me along. She’d get me in for free. I just had to pay for the plane ticket, which wasn’t much and I could afford it at the time. A week in paradise. Of course I wanted to go.

Except, during that week, was Your Birthday. Along with Your Birthday Party Night Out, which You had invited me to.

So once I saw they conflicted, I didn’t even think about it.

I Did Not Even Consider Costa Rica.

When “A” got back, I went to go see her.

She had had an amazing time down there, apparently fallen in Love with at least one Costa Rican dude, and didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and was actually offended that I made any motion towards physical Love. We went for a short drive. I remember the look in her eyes starring off at the horizon, so excited for life. I’d already been left behind. She'd lost the WANT pipe down there too. I was… Happy for Her. “A” is very cool. Some other Lifetime we could have been a Great Pair, I know. But, she’s not in My Heart. I gave “A” a pair of gloves, really nice gloves, to remember me by, and that was kind of that with her.

Back to Waiting for a Response.

Back to Loneliness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfKI_jeV_q0

A few weeks later You invited me over.
We had our usual wonderful time.
Actually, that's when I made You that Ring out of Silly-Putty.
I knew You didn't Want Me.
But, I Wanted to Give You that Memory.
And I Wanted that Memory too.
And I meant it.
I really did.

I wish You used Your Words.
I couldn't Disrespect You.
Can You understand How I Felt then?
I think, that then was the mistake.
I had Feelings for You Both
I could not possibly Choose.
But Please Understand.
I'd of Loved You then if I Believed I could.

The next day, You told Me about "S"

She told Me She was going to be with him.
So She chose him.

I actually left feeling really happy.
Everything Made Sense then, or so I thought.
She'd be with him and I'd be with...

But looking back
Not Loving Her then
Not Being a Man then, in that moment.
That must have been the mistake.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3RnEMvkTEY

It was just a month or so after a Shooting Star had told me to go See You.

After that You had come to visit Me Just the one time.

That was the moment that I had been waiting for

Losing My Mind for back in Illinois.
Conflicting with my Feelings for Her

All the struggle all the confusion all the Everything in My Heart was all for this

I sung my Song to You I wrote for You I cooked for You I caressed You

I Seduced You...

A couple weeks or so passed after that and we were talking on FB
You sent me the most spectacular words.

I hadn’t heard from You in a few days, and was painfully awaiting Your reply

It came on a Beautiful Spring Day

You had apparently been detained by the Police and needed me

I had to borrow my mom’s car (my dad had crashed and totaled my car) but I rode up right away

I found you at Your friend’s house

You were wearing My Phoenix Coat

You were in tears

He was dead.

He had overdosed.

I hadn’t even gotten the chance to meet him.

I had seen his face plenty on Your facebook.

He was definitely a Brother, and possibly a Rival.

I Honestly didn’t know.

I knew You were crashing at his house but You had trouble at home

(Another reason I saw myself as Your Knight)

And Your group seemed to include You, him, and several other Perfect Beautiful gals

Actually, from what I saw, he Had My Dream

Sisters.

Venus.

How was I supposed to know You were the One he Loved?

I did Not Know.

But at a certain point I didn’t care

I Had Loved Her with Everything I was. We were going to have a family together. We were basically married already. We were building a life together but neither of us was actually ready. So much more growing and exploring and learning to do… She chose others and we fell apart and I didn’t even recognize it as it was happening but I Lost Her.

But that allowed me to Grow and Fly and Journey and Love again.

That allowed me to Rise Up and become a better person and Love YOU and YOU (and later, YOU) and You and You and You too.

So I didn’t think that was going to happen.

How could I have known?

I didn’t worry about that at all.

And to a certain extent, maybe

I didn’t Care.

And that’s my lesson.

Care about Your Brother.

Reach Out.

I’ll Never Take someone who isn’t Mine to Have again.

I listened to You cry and speak for just about fifteen minutes until Your uncle showed up and demanded You come with him. I was still very much a satellite of Your World, wasn't even aware You had an uncle, so couldn’t say anything really.

Then You were gone and I followed Your friends who had gathered for You into her house.

Finally, a Real Glimpse at Your World.

I Just listened to all your friends talk about Him and You and was at last gathering some perspective of Your World and gaining some idea of what was going on.

Not much, but enough.

Mostly everyone headed home then.

But I had driven up all that way to See You and Support You.

So I wouldn’t be so easily turned around.

I wanted to go rescue You from Your family.

But Your friends didn’t seem up for it.

They were all kind of scared of Your Dad, or something.

“Oh, we can’t go there. Her Dad Hates Us.”

“Well, he doesn’t Hate Me. Yet.”

So Just one of your friends and I headed over to Your house in her car.

Your folks had just stepped out.

Thanks for that Brush Stroke, God!

I rang the doorbell and Your sister answered

I walked inside to see You in Your kitchen,

“Hey. Do You wanna come with Me?”

(I gotta say I felt like a total bad-ass here).

You were surprised. You stuttered a little. Looked around.

Then, suddenly, You looked at me and resolutely said,
“Yeah. Yeah. Let’s Go.”

I don’t recall what I said to Your sister in the few minutes You took to get ready but I recall her saying, “Oh, I like this guy.”

Well yeah what’s not to like I’m the Best!

So we ran back to Your friend's car, were at her house for just a few minutes ‘til we hopped in my mom’s car and I whisked You away to My Home.

My World.

I wrote a letter to him that Night.

Hope You read it one day.

As we laid in bed together, and I’m a little ashamed of this, I couldn’t help but feel happy.

I knew it was wrong to feel that way

But it meant You were mine

It meant We were Together now.

I never wanted or wished for ill to befall him

I was looking forward to meeting him, in fact

But now that he was gone, and with me coming to Your aid, I had You.

And I had so so SO much for You.

You were over my house for the weekend.

That’s when we made our plan to hit the road together.

I had such a good plan.

We were going to make such a great team.

I knew Everything I Needed to Know

To Take Care of You

To Survive out there, with You

To Live My Dream, with You

Traveling, Free, in Love

Everything I Needed to Know

Except

Except How to Keep You.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TScXEvvjw-w

There was the music festival bike tour, then a month of Krav Maga, then just pipe making and preparing.

I Saw You whenever You’d See Me, which wasn’t nearly enough but I Just had to longingly accept it.

You were only letting me in so much, but We were making sweet memories, and sweet sweet Love.

So Everything was perfect aside from that You wouldn’t respond to me for a week or two, ‘causing me a flood of crippling anxiety.

You’re Perfect.
I knew I was competing with every guy in the World.
But somehow, I managed to pull it all together.

It was like the ending of a movie, and the beginning of the amazing sequel.

Her and I talked about going to The Rainbow Gathering years ago.

We tried the year prior but ended up having an adventure in Albany.

But this year, the Mythical Rainbow Gathering was in Vermont.

And You and I were hitting The Road together at about the same time

So we planned to Start Our Adventure there
The three of us heading out Together.

It was A Dream.
A Dream turned into Reality.

When You and Her arrived to My House
That was and always will be one of the Greatest Nights of My Life.
I remember us three walking down to the Lake at Night
I remember diving into the Dark Waters
Swimming out to the Raft
Proclaiming to the Heavens my Love for Both of You
I knew You Both still had the choice
"I'M READY TO DIE FOR YOU!
IS THAT REALLY SOMETHING YOU JUST WANT TO THROW AWAY!?"
I remember how I felt.
So Fully my Self.
So Confident with My Love for Each of You.
So Happy.
At Last.
A Lover. A Sister.
About to embark on an Epic Journey together.
I had finally been granted My Heaven
Of course my bicycle ride would wait
THIS was LIFE
THIS was what I Was Looking for out there anyways!
(And my plan was actually to continue the ride, with You following me in Your car as support.
We'd of paid for gas with bamboo and gas jugging and it would have been Perfect).

We Needed so much more Time.
Time to build Teamwork.
Build Trust and Understanding.
Time to Organize and Prepare.
But the Gathering had begun, so the very next morning, Her, Her, and I left for the Rainbow Gathering Together.

What started out like Beautiful Cinema turned rather tragic (for me) when it became clear that, while I was under the impression You and I were Eloping, You Just Needed… Actually considering Your behavior I have no idea why You even brought me along. You wouldn’t even hold my hand… I was pretty fucking surprised when You ran off with that Liar the very first night (like it was even revealed that he was lying the whole time and You STILL ditched Me for him. What? How ironic that his named was "Dreamer.")
That caused a Rift immediately that was Never mended.
That we Never Even Talked about.
That You still haven’t apologized for…

I'm not going to write the whole story here, but it was utter Chaos.
I Just wanted to spend time with You and that was like the last thing on Your agenda.
You showed me the very first Night You had no intention of practicing any semblance of fidelity with Me and Just kept running off.
Here's a Vivid and telling memory:
I had removed my Sleeping Bag from OurYour tent after You and "J" fucked on it.
It was Night and I was in absolute utter agony.
I was crying hysterically laying on the Sleeping Bag Just outside the Tent
When You suddenly showed up to the camp.
You grabbed some things to go off and do I don't know what with I don't know who
As You left I grabbed Your hand and starred into Your Eyes as Green as this font,
Weeping, Shaking
"You can come back to Me whenever You Want..."

"Nah, that's okay. See yah!"

I Died soon after.
I didn't know one's Heart could Experience such Pain.
I remember being curled in a ball by the communal fire, convulsing.
My only solace was that even in this moment
Probably the lowest most painful moment of My Life
I STILL did not Fall

"Come on man, it'll be alright. Come on, let's go to Kiddie Village. D'ya wanna go to Kiddie Village?"
"I'M NOT GOING TO KIDDIE VILLAGE."

So it was about five days of Just losing my Mind in worry and anxiety and doubt in a state of shock and deep pain, stuck in the middle of the woods with many happy hippies

So not the worst place to be but not a familiar environment either.

After the fifth day You disappeared and I didn't see nor hear from You for like two days. Nevermind any sort of fun, happiness, or joy. I was Just endlessly worrying You’d already moved on from Me, or worse, fallen prey to some Demon. You had already received one Death Threat (Unbeknownst to You, but don’t worry ‘cause I HANDLED IT) and judging from Your treatment of Me my Fears were not unfounded. Any guy with Jealousy in his Blood would...
So She found me in this broken state and we ended up hanging out a bit. After spending an hour or so with a few other hippie-dippies throwing gobs of mud at each other in the rain, this group of 5 of us went to a stream to wash ourselves off.

Yeah, this was unique moment.

I caught Her starring at me

Though I don’t think She knew I noticed.

I kind of suspected this might happen. She had said She saw me as a Brother, and I thought that was Beautiful, and as I wrote above, I always wanted a Sister, so My Heart and Mind just accepted it, and it was wonderful and I learned and grew so much. But I had thought, even at that time,
"Y’know, She Just might take another gander at me and change Her mind…"
And sure enough with Her gone it seemed like You sorta were. And I was Hurt Betrayed Thrown away (it was even more painful than when She and I split) in the most Mind-Breaking of ways I couldn’t have even imagined.

The whole dying thing was really freaking me out too.

So as dusk was settling in We went back to our collective camp.

She joined me for some of my bamboo work, which was awesome!

We made the Brother Bong!

We put a Heart-Shaped Shooting-Star on it and it was amazing.

I cut myself at some point kind of deeply and filled the Shooting StarHeart with my Blood.

While we were making it together we were listening to music on Her phone and Love songs kept coming on and She'd get embarrassed.

She’s a fan of acid (which is my main theory actually of how everything went so wrong. She did too much of the stuff and it messed up Her way of thinking and She…)

Anyways I had wanted to experience that with Her.

I had been given some during the Music Festival Bike Tour but saved them to Experience with Her later.

I wanted to Experience them there but She was gone and I was pained and alone and here She was so

I shared it with Her.

Then I invited Her into My Tent.

Cast a Judgment upon Me if Ye must, but I was not in my Right Mind.
Besides, I had caught Her checking me out...
And it's not like I was gonna Grab Her.

My Plan was Pretty Simple—I was gonna Ask.

It didn’t Feel Wrong to me.

But She ran off into the woods suddenly

So I followed Her and upon catching up to Her we ran into… A Dragon.

A Real Dragon.

I knew he was I could tell I could FEEL it emanating from him.

But I was a Lion.

You were aware that we fought over You, right?

I Honestly couldn’t even tell if You were aware or not.

Like, when he said there were cookies in the woods and you two should go get them together and You were like,
“Yeah let’s go!”
You knew what he was doing, right?

‘CAUSE I KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING

It was a tense situation. My Mind was out of whack from the damn acid, maybe operating at like 20% at most (Yes obviously taking that stuff with You then was a Huge mistake that almost got us killed but again, I was confused in pain and honestly trying to just ruin everything in my usual self-destructive way or fuck I don't even know) and I had no idea what was going on in Your head but You sure didn’t seem aware this Dragon was looking at You like you were a fresh from the oven Baked Good. I somehow was able to keep You by the fire we were at and keep his attention on me enough that he couldn’t Grab You.

Ah, I remember now.

It was my Lungs. My Stoking of the Fire.

Thanks to Cycling and the Harmonica (and not putting too much burning plant matter in them throughout my life) I’ve got an impressive Capacity of Breath. He had a cool little tool to stoke the fire with, but when I took a big breath and lit that fire up with one of my long and slow stokes, he took a step back, and I was able to pull You closer to me in response.

Funny how we can have these battles.

We were, cooking something too…

I can’t recall well.

Anyways, because of that mind melting substance (I am definitely not a fan of the stuff) I was nearly incapacitated. Breathing was pretty much all I could do. God Saved Me (Us) several times.

The Dragon followed us back to the camp site, and it was amazing how we were Saved.

A few days prior, I had retrieved my Bamboo stocks from the car in a large bin. As I carried them the three miles to the site, that is actually when I had first met this Dragon. He helped me carry the bamboo, as it was rather heavy. A few kids approached us while we were carrying it and inquired. I ended up giving each child a bamboo art gift. Two staffs and a flute. He saw that.

So I didn’t know what his plan was but he was trying to get rid of me and get alone with You (I was also aware that he had several bladed weapons and had at least once implied a threat towards me).

I was barely standing though on account of the acid (don’t do drugs kids. At least not unless you are in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT and wait until your Brain has fully matured so You don’t Ruin Your Mind) so once again I don’t know what he was gonna do but I knew I couldn’t defend myself, or You.
But when we got to the camp site, he saw the bamboo bin.

He Remembered, “I... Helped Carry this Bamboo...”

“Yeah. Thank You, Brother.”

He looked at me then with Guilt in his eyes

“You can sleep in my tent if you want. There’s a rock in the far-left corner but it’s a really nice sleeping bag. I can sleep in your tent with You, right Sister?”

“Sure Brother”

“...I think I misunderstood your relationship.”

“...Goodnight, Brother.”

Then we retired.

The Bamboo and the Children Defeated The Dragon.

Which was pretty much the only thing that kept me sane as I didn’t sleep for a single minute, my Mind Melting as every conceivable Nightmare of what might be happening to Her circled endlessly through my thoughts endlessly endlessly thinking feeling seeing endlessly.
All of it being My Fault, of course.

It’s All been My Fault.

And I’m Sorry.

I’m Sorry Damn it.

I’m So Fucking Sorry.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHeOReHlEfM

You showed back up a couple days later
I remember the feeling as if Time had stopped when I saw You walking towards me along that dirt path.
After the Gathering ended She hitched a ride with some other friend back home and You and I drove around New England for a bit more than a week.
I had actually bumped into a Brother named Chris at the Gathering that I had met months prior on my bicycle in Illinois. He was trying to get to a Ganja Farm in Maine, and we offered to bring him there. His presence really made Everything Feel like we were on the Right Path, though I couldn't say if he actually helped or not.
The "No thanks Justin I'd rather hang out with this guy/these guys BYE" behavior continued in Burlington, Vermont and Portland, Maine.
I was Hurt and Sad and Just trying to appreciate every moment You actually did pay me any attention in.
I was mostly Just distraught about it.
The only thing that actually made me angry was that You seemed way less interested in Me specifically because I was Hurt and Sad.
Which You caused!!!
I knew I was gonna be competing with Just about every guy we met as they would obviously vie for Your Love
But I thought I was going to have an advantage as Your Travel Partner and, y'know, Man Who Actually Loved You that You Actually Had Something With.
Instead, whatever we had You didn't value at all and You totally crippled Me in my efforts to both Express Myself and PROTECT YOU
It was like, You made a Mess, and Just outright refused to clean up after Yourself.
We made it to the Ganja Farm and I am not going to talk about the experiences that happened there but Her and I would return to that Ungodly place on a few separate occasions in the following few months and it got far far worse.
We left from there and She must have been sick of me being Hurt and Sad from being treated like Shit the whole time so She suddenly decided to Just bring me Home.
The whole Time I had been kind of holding my tongue, trying to be as positive and happy and chill as I could be, so during the ride Home I finally Just let it go and berated Her with all my grievances and Her errors until She couldn't take it anymore and passed out in the back seat and I drove myself Home.

She dumped me and my things right by our Collapsed Stone Wall in a sad broken heap of Blood and Bamboo.

After the snow melts

The Bamboo that has not Broken stands back up

There was a week or so of Intense Debilitating Emotion and Confusion
Similar to my position in the present moment but not nearly as bad
Until I decided that there was no way I could possibly resume my bicycle Journey in the Emotional State I was in (I'd Just go crazy and hurt myself again like I did before) so I opted to buy a cheap car in order to
A). Chase after Her and win Her back or
B). Find a new Dream Girl that wouldn't treat me like refuse that I could Heal with.
No Response from Her at all in this time.
I named my car The Green Gust.
It was awesome.
Just after getting it ready to go

“A” gave me a call.

She was stranded in the middle of Pennsylvania

A bit more than 500 miles away...

But the details don't matter. A Lady was in Trouble. I don’t Need nor Want for anything a’tall in return. Being able to Aid and/or Rescue a Sister/Special Lady Friend is reward in itself to Me. I drove off into the Night right away and found “A” behind some bar with all her things in some town in PA I’ll never recall the name of. I drove her back home, dropped her with her things off to where she wanted to go, and that was the last I’ve seen of her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACSdbnU2qdU

So I was still a sad broken heap of Blood and Bamboo, but I had a car and was trying to find Her.

I Still Wanted To Be With Her.

I Wanted To Show My Love and Forgiveness for Her.

I Wanted To Try Again.

I Wanted To SAVE HER.

But also, weak in my Loneliness and Sorrow, I was trying to Find someone else to fill the Void She left and help Heal that Pain.

Her and I still talked during this time
Actually, She was the only one I could talk to
She was with "S" though.

I had extended the Hand of Brotherhood to him

That’s Sacred to me. I am not going to betray that.

Note: if he had started mistreating Her, or Abusing Her, then he ceases to be My Brother.

But As Long as He’s taking Care of Her, then he’s a Brother to Me.

And I Do Believe that This is The Way.

She was gallivanting around the New England area in Her car
I honestly don't even know the half of it
All I know is She was Reckless and unsafe and gave 0 fucks.
Over the next several months I also flew around our North-East corner of the Nation
Unable to even consider leaving the area
Just in case She Needed Me

She soon moved in with "S"
Imagine my face when I learned he lived in Salem.
I had known from the very beginning that Her and Her were meant to meet and I knew it was my job to connect them, but for Her to move right down the street from Her, it was kind of a Mind Blow.
Salem is situated just North of Boston.
A perfect Outpost if one is performing operations in the Vermont-New Hampshire-Maine area.
So, as I flew back and forth, frantically doing this and that
Catching up with Her a few times
Wasting Time, Energy, and Money at others
I had the opportunity to stop in to See Her relatively often.
I'll admit, I Wanted to Maintain my relationship with Her
But as I said, I truly had no intention of "Stealing" Her away from "S"
Aside from the Hand of Brotherhood, She had made Her choice, and I respected that.
Plus, I could See the Love She and "S" had for each other.

What Selfish Love, if I were to Break that Apart Just because I Wanted
I didn’t Want to wreck or otherwise mess them up.

But I saw how the more I came around the more that was beginning to happen…

Still, I was able to come around a lot for a while

She was the only one then

Healing Me

Housing Me

Helping Me

Listening to My Struggle

Holding My Hand

Being the Best Friend We promised each other We'd Be.

“S” tolerated my presence

A Genuine Hand of Brotherhood is a Powerful Thing!

But he was insecure

And My LOVE for Her clearly unsettled him

He simply did not believe in Me.

It had been about a month since She expelled me

I'd seen Her once in that time
I'd caught up to Her in Concord, New Hampshire.
It didn't go well.
My only theory is She came to blame and resent me over His Death and was Punishing Me.
But I didn't hypothesize that until later.
Then, I was desperately trying to Save Her
Win She back.
But She wasn't receptive to me at all
And I felt so Abused at this point
I remember announcing I'd be leaving to resume My Journey and driving off
Even though I was actually unable to even Do that
As my text to Her days later would attest
Another text She didn't respond to...
And I returned Home to Rest and Wait

There was a Meteor Shower coming up.

The Sky would be Alight with Shooting Stars.

Big. Deal.

I was calling Her I was texting Her I was messaging Her

I left a voicemail begging Her to call me so we could talk.

TALK.

She sent me a text

What previously was Beautiful Writing rich with Her perspectives of energy and reality that I thought was Just so Spectacular and would inspire such Beautiful Imagery and make my Heart soar

Suddenly felt bland and contrite.
Hollow.
Her text went on about planets spinning this or spirits of the Earth that, but in the end, She was only trying to deflect me and be rid of me.
So Unfair.
So Cold.
So down right FOOLISH.
SO FUCKING DUMB.

She ended that text with,
“Now Go and Share Your Love with the Universe.”

And that very Night

I got a message from “L”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50tEwcFK8z0

I was planning on going up to Salem to watch the Meteor Shower with Her

She, however, was with “S”

So it’d of been the Three of us

Oh, yeah, that’s what I Want

To be an unwanted interloper ruining Your moments with the man You chose

Now, had She responded

Had She Joined Me

We could have went up together

A Double-Date Meteor Shower is a completely different Reality

“S” would not have had any reason to worry or feel insecure

And I’d of Had You Both

Her as a Partner Her as a Friend.

Heaven.

Her and “S” would have gotten along great too.

Just… Sayin… haha

In those days I Wanted to join with Her and move to Salem.

Rather than travel, aim for that one day, but Just exist in Heaven for a while, building up the relations that meant and mean so much to me.

Heal and Be Happy and Live in Joy.

I’d ridden 3,800 miles I was okay with that for now. Turning around because I failed? Pitiful. Turning around because I could Be with my Dream Girls? Uhm, why the FUCK would I wanna go ride a bicycle alone all day when EVERYTHING I WAS LOOKING FOR WAS RIGHT THERE WITH THEM.

EVERYTHING.

But, She wasn’t responding.

She'd thrown me away.

I don’t know what She was doing that She thought would be better than watching a Meteor Shower with myself, Her, and “S” (Who without the issues of Her+I present, which only She could solve, would finally be able to accept my Hand of Brotherhood and then maybe we’d of been really great friends) but She clearly wasn’t gonna come.

So when “L” messaged me and wanted to hang out, just after She had written to me in a callous dismissive text,
“Go and Share Your Love with the Universe”

I could not refuse this Beautiful Lady’s Invitation

And when I saw she was on the way from my Home to Salem, it simply felt like a Divine Gift.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HceL9xDr8fE

I had met “L” at one of the music festivals

I thought she was there with her Dad or something

I bumped into her and her friend at Toad’s another time

I think there was one other encounter

We were FB friends, probably chatted some

So I was pretty surprised when she suddenly Wanted to See Me

But I Accepted what the Universe was Giving unto Me.

Well, Given the Situation, I couldn’t really refuse.

I was trying to reach Her

And I still longed for Her

But I felt so very lost along my own Path.

My Journey, My Destiny, so out of Reach.

But. This was All important to Me too.
I simply Wanted that Heaven more than anything else.

So No. I couldn’t leave with the way things were.

But I could go See “L”

Cement Time!

Turns out that wasn’t her Dad she was with at the festival.

Whoever he was to her I still don't know but he sure had a nice Beach House She was living in

And like weeks worth of granola.

I never really understood the full story as to why he was arrested and a restraining order placed but figured he wouldn’t mind me helping my self.

I actually resisted.

I said I wanted to Just chill

Chat

Like, I made Her a pipe.

A Cool little one-hitter.

But I was in a pretty turbulent emotional space and it just probably wasn’t a good idea

Ah, I was Still Learning

(Great Learning Experience or Greatest Learning Experience?)

She made it… Known. Pretty obvious what she might be open to.

But still, I had said,
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to have sex right now.”

I later heard on a Science Show, and it all made sense to me then,
“Even Light Will Bend to Gravity.”

I forget exactly how but suddenly I was very close to her, her leaning back on the counters.

The way she was looking at me

Did I mention she was Gorgeous?

And it certainly didn’t help she looked Just like Vanessa Carlton.
My favorite female singer of all time.
That's probably what did it, actually.

I said,
“I have a lot of Will Power.”

And as I said that, I thought,
“Uh oh.”

And completely lost all control.

Like being pulled in by Gravity.

I bit her neck I wrapped my arms around her touch sweet touch sweet sweet Love for maybe a minute then I lifted her up carried her into the other room gently tossed her on the couch and

When working with cement, be sure to wear gloves

The cement is putty-like and seemingly soft

But it is very coarse

“L” and I were honestly having a really special time.

I gave her the Beautiful Glass Mushroom Drop I had earned in Carbondale when I saved that Beautiful Gal.

If I didn’t already have all the Love that I did have we’d probably be married right now.

I hadn’t even intended to stay but I was physically unable to leave.

Now that I’d been caught in her field of gravity I Needed as much of her as I could possibly Get until I inevitably had to go.

She was actually up for coming with me, but…

The next night we went to the beach to watch the Meteor Shower.

It was Brilliant and Magnificent and Glorious

Then, there was a Huge one right above our heads

She said,
“Wow. It’s like the Sky Just split in Two.”

And I knew I made a Mistake.

Again.

My Sky. Them. The Girls I Wanted to Be With. My Heaven.

“L” is wonderful there was and is nothing Wrong with “L”

But She’s not the one I genuinely honestly Truly had Wanted to Be With

That Beautiful Glass Mushroom Drop, such a Special symbol of My Journey and My Victory, the second I had laid my eyes upon it, I had intended it for Her.

Seeing the Sky Split in two

I understood then My Weakness

I had told her as much as I could about what was going on with Me and My Heart

She seemed to be being intentionally vague about her situation

I Wanted to Help but didn’t know what to Do

And a part of Me Wanted to Bring “L” with Me

Go up to Salem with her to See Her and "S"
There'd be the Double Date I sought

But. I Just couldn’t.

It'd of been Heaven not Heaven
Which would have been Just fine if not for my Genuine Desire for the latter and for my Enduring Love for Her
Despite what She'd Done and how She treated Me
I couldn't accept the Pain of replacing Her
But much more importantly than a second chance coming together happy ending
I Simply had to be Available to Rescue Her

All I could surmise was that it was wrong for me to have met with "L" at all.

A Test.
A Test I Failed.

For the next two days, I would Just eat as much granola as I could, and Lose myself in her whenever I could
Completely

I needed to get into the little crevices and wanted more precision so I took my gloves off to apply the cement with my fingers

It wasn't long before more than half of my fingers were bleeding

All the rubbing wore away my skin!

Days later, as I left, some other guy was picking her up.
“L” knew how to use her powers of Enchantment!

I headed to the Salem area , seeing Her and another friend of mine, and beating my self up for weeks for my weakness. A small voice within kept reminding me that I’d of been crazy to have not pursued that and if it was a mistake it was the best mistake I’ve ever made (she did look like Vanessa Carlton) but a stronger voice reminded me that it was weakness because it was not what I truly wanted.

I never fully understood what the Truth was between her and the arrested owner of the Beach House, but I sent “L” a message promising to be there if she Needed me, and that I’m on her side.

A few weeks later

I heard She was in Portland, Maine.
And I knew what She was doing
Just bumming around.
So I raced up there to find Her.

I went around the city Giving to the folk of the Streets, then asking if they'd seen a girl matching Her description.
I fed a woman and her dog, and she pointed me straight to where She was.
It was early evening when I at last found Her.
She was Just sitting on a bench outside a bar in downtown Portland
Imbibing
Surrounded by five dudes.

Just In Time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgBHTbRNlUQ

I park The Green Gust, run over to this crowd, walk straight past these guys, and Just Give Her a Big Hug,
"I'm so glad You're alright."
Then, all worries and fear now a thing of the past, plant myself sitting right on the ground in front of Her.
Boom.
She was kinda speechless, or maybe She was Just intoxicated, I don't know
Regardless, all the guys there Just saw that
And I would Literally Kill Any and Every one of them before I let a one of 'em go off with Her.
So even though the battle was Just beginning I knew I was invincible and had already Won Just by finding Her and could finally relax and Just started eating Her chips and Hummus without asking.
Sure enough, one of the dudes sits down next to me to challenge me.
He says his name is RavenHawk.
"Wow! Two Birds!" I reply, incredibly impressed.
He scoffs off my giggles and pulls out a TRIPLE FLUTE
Which is actually a pretty cool instrument in all honesty
But I can see what he's doing and he knows what he's doing so I Just laugh at him until he goes away.
I compliment his playing as he gets up.
See? Easy.

So I chat with Her and some of these guys and one by one they all fuck off
Except for a man who arrived after the Hug.
A Dragon.

I eventually got Her up and helped Her stagger over to my car
The Dragon Follows Us
She then passes the fuck out right in the Street in the middle of the parking spot next to mine.
She was completely unrousable

So there wasn't really anything to do while I waited for Her to awaken but put a blanket on Her and talk to This Dragon while passersby gave us very very concerned looks
And if I wasn't there they aught to have been calling the police.

The Dragon suggested we Take Her into the Woods.
Frighteningly Politely.
"What would Jesus Want Me to Do..."
After a moment of thought, rather than a swift elbow to the Temple, I decided to grab my Journal and without a word opened up to a page filled with Poetry, written specifically for the unconscious girl at our feet. As I flipped through the pages, explaining that I have known this girl for more than a year, dinner with the folks'n all that, and am madly in Love with Her, his face changed rather quickly.
He got red, began stuttering, and gave a funny story about the King of Iran Killing someone just for Saying something Silly and how that's Tyranny!
At this point, She at last awoke.
I asked Her to please, get in the car.
But She did not Want to move.
A pretty cool moment:
In an effort to Inspire Her to Move and at the same time
Display My Physical Prowess to The Dragon so he Knows I Am NOT WEAK
I began doing Jumping Jacks
At some number past 100 She finally got up and crawled into the back seat.
Back to The Dragon,
Part of me wanted to Just Beat him down
But I'm also, at least trying, to follow Christ's Way
He said to, "Love Your Enemies..."
And as far as I knew he hadn't done anything Wrong...
So, remaining Vigilant, I decided to do what Jesus would do
I extended Aid to this man.
He was a Traveler.
I Gave him My Tent.
I Gave him some Food.
I Gave him a Special Towel.
I Gave him a very nice Rain Jacket.
I Gave him a ride to a park he'd be able to camp at.

I Hope this display of Mercy led him to change his ways.

After leaving The Dragon behind, I brought Her to Her car.
We drove together to the Ganja Farm where upon our arrival
She immediately rejected me and denounced any ideas of Love I may have had for us.
She didn't even know about The Dragon.

I don't know how it would of been otherwise but I knew that having that weekend with “L” had a profound effect on my state of being. Rather than the desperate space of pain I was in before, I had had an intense exchange of Love that Healed me to some extent and that I’ll remember for the rest of my Life. We were at the Ganja Farm for a few days. The first Night we spent together. I shared the story of "L" with Her. How that Night would have transpired had I not met with “L” I will Never know but it certainly could have been better and it certainly could have been worse. All I know is, had I not met with "L", there'd of been a change in my state of being, thus changing my interactions with Her, thus changing my Actions and Choices...
Instead of sharing a story of this hook-up
We could have talked about how She Hurt Me.
What if I could have changed Her Mind?
What if I could have Saved Her?

So was it a mistake? Or not? I honestly don’t know.
I am most certainly Thankful for it
Yet a part of Me is Angry at myself for it
The same Part of Me that Hates My Weakness

...Days later, She drove off, wanting nothing to do with me.
Back to imbibing on the Streets, somewhere
Hurt and Bruised from Her many rejections of Me
And Confused and Lost and not knowing what to do or How to Reach Her
I returned home
And began fervently praying for God to Guide Her to Protect Her to SAVE HER

It was a constant back and forth

Kind of like now, but this was before the Real Damage.

I had put it all away once, somehow.

When I initially left on My Journey, the Darkness was Sealed. Completely.

I still had Invasive Thoughts, but they breezed past me like Whispers in the Wind.

Sand in my eyes at the very worst.

She doesn’t seem to comprehend this, maybe it’s hard for anyone to, but She actually brought it all back out of Me. The Hurt and the Fear. Pain and Nightmares. Worry and Anger. Frustration and Confusion and Sadness. But no it wasn’t even all that. It was watching Her be pulled down, further and further away from me. Down Down Down. My Brain overheating from overprocessing information trying to figure out some solution some way to Save Her some way to Lift Her up.

And Failing.

For any Reader that may have been thinking, "It's not Your job to Save Her!" or "She rejected You You have to Accept that!" or "Just move on man."
You don't know what You're talking about.
First, recognize, I Loved Her.
Then Try to imagine My Pain.
My Absolute Unbridled Horror
KNOWING.

This was the only time in My Life I have ever Truly Wanted to Kill My Self.

My Father is Down. He knows how to handle himself. He knows where to Go. He knows what to do. He has his Power. He’s an adult male. What does anyone even want from him anyways?

She’s Gorgeous. Too Cool for words. And She was Just out there. Inviting upon Herself Judgment. A Magnet for Every Wolf in the vicinity. Every Dragon Every Demon.

Perhaps She had some prowess. I tried to make Her aware of Her powers of Enchantment. If She could Hone those skills She could Survive in the Depths of Hell I’d wager. The Dragons and Demons would Fight over Her. But She had no support. Enchantment doesn’t work on a Team of Goblins.
She could have had ME as Her KNIGHT but She THREW ME AWAY.

Back to waiting for a response.

Back to Loneliness.

Now with constant unending anxiety, desperate guilt fueled prayer, and the cold sad painful realization that...

Did She have any idea how Vulnerable She was? How completely ridiculous it was for Her to be out there like that? Did She Know and Just not CARE?

I CARED

I CARED

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD

JUST AS I CARE NOW

WHAT LESSON IS HERE TO LEARN?

WHAT STRENGTH HAVE I GAINED FROM THIS??

FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAS MY LOVE BEEN TORN RIPPED AND MASHED???

GOOD PAIN BUILDS US STRONGER

BAD PAIN MAKES US WEAKER

IT’S LIKE MY ARM HAS BEEN HACKED OFF
IT WON'T HEAL IT WON'T GROW BACK

I AM BROKEN AND INSANE.

So that was the Real Damage.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3dYnmH7gUI

The Darkest Space I’ve ever been in

It’s one of those Wounds that’ll Never Heal

It’s not as Constant a Pain as it used to be

The Pain triggering thoughts

Unending

That’s where the sanity goes

You Lose it in the Labyrinth

As You search for Fault, Meaning, Direction

Any sort of Answer at all really.

There is No Answer.

None that I can Accept anyways

So it’ll Never Heal.

Ever.

Days were Dark Nights were Darker

Over time I forged that Pain into a Blade

So in that way I did Grow Stronger.
Some would say I should be Thankful.

But I much preferred my True Heaven plan.

Instead, I got caught in the Beach House Trap

The Cost I Paid for my Weakness

The wall had collapsed due to water pressure and soil erosion pushing the ground forward over time and applying force on the stones and slowly pushing them out.

So I applied Masonry cement to some key parts of the wall to increase stability.

A month or two later, losing my Mind no Peace no Joy in the Dark Box She had unceremoniously placed me it
All of my attempts to reach out to Her ignored
I awoke to find a message from “L”

Apparently the guy she was having troubles with was looking at her messages on her accounts and pretending to be her so as to ascertain information and that if contacted by her to pretend I don’t know her and that I’m on an adventure. And indeed, there were a few messages just before this one, asking me odd questions.
My Response, out loud:

“What the Fuck?”

The cement can't freeze for 24 hours or it'll lose a lot of strength

I waited for a warmer day to do the pour

But the cement would still have to get through the night

I immediately hopped in The Green Gust and drove straight to the Beach House and pounded on the door, ready to beat the man’s face in if it came to that. He answered the door courteously and stepped outside with a smile. His name was Micheal. I starred him down for half a minute. Upon seeing the man, I realized I really had no idea what was going on and thus did not know the correct course of action to take, which was frustrating, but showing up was a message in and of itself.
Though in retrospect I suppose I aught to have thanked him for the granola.

“I Need to talk to ‘L’”

“Well that’s up to her...” He replied.

“’L’! Would You like to Speak to this man?”

“… yeah. Yeah, okay.”

So he went inside and “L” came out onto the porch with me.

“Do You Want to come with Me?”

She looked very surprised. A bit flustered even.

She thought about it a minute, thought out loud a bit about this and that.

“No. No, it’s okay. I’m going to stay here.”

“You’re okay then? You’re not in any danger?”

“I’m fine.”

“Alright. I’ll be at the beach for an hour, Just in case. Or you can text me. Hmm, maybe, go ahead and vilify me to him. That should put you in the clear. Like, I’m crazy or whatever you want to say.”

She went inside and did not come out to the beach in the next hour.

I headed back home and that was kind of that with her.

So I made a fire on top of the rocks
then put all the hot rocks behind the wall and covered it with a tarp.

The permeating heat should last for hours and will at least help the cement not freeze

Another month passed
I rescued Her again when She was stuck in New Hampshire
She Wanted to be dropped off with "J"
The guy She choose to Live My Dreams of Us with instead of with Me.

I chased them down to New Orleans in The Green Gust
I Wanted to try to win Her back
And I didn't Trust "J"
I hadn't really met him and figured if/when She started treating him like She treated Me, He'd abandon Her on the Streets of New Orleans
(Fast Forward two years... I Was Not Wrong).
Anyways, the Struggles and Triumphs there I won't tell of now.

I returned in time for Christmas, but soon headed North again to Maine
And got my ass kicked and came crawling back home

Absolutely Defeated
My Love Lost
At this point I couldn't fathom why I was still Alive?
Why wasn't I allowed to Just Die at The Rainbow Gathering like I should of?
Because I refused to go to Kiddie Village I guess...
Regardless, nothing made sense and I was a total wreck.

Worse than right now, actually

Though perhaps that’s because I’m Stronger, now

Then, though, I absolutely Needed someone or I could Not go on

There was no Question

Nightmares every Night.

I couldn’t move.

I wasn’t even eating Peanut Butter.

My Dreams were slipping away from me like I was trying to hold on to Wind and with them an unimaginable despair oppressed me daily.
I was a complete Failure.
I'd Failed to Protect Her I'd Failed to Keep Her.

She was Gone.
Off Living the Dreams I had of us together with another.
Leaving Me in Shreds, an echo of what I once was.

She was still with “S” and we had stopped talking entirely. I had seen Her a few times as all the above was happening, but once things got so bad I was envisioning Killing Myself my issues moved beyond the level which we were able to talk about. After New Orleans I didn't even know what to say anymore. It also seemed like Her and "S" were happy, and though I was a little worried just in general, if She was good I didn’t want to suddenly appear with my pain and baggage and bring Her out and down from Her Loving Space.

So I opened myself Up to a New Partner
I Absolutely Had To
And that's when I Met Her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql_dEdMEjl4

I somehow gathered myself together to hide everything I was carrying.

I was very frightened of what I might be capable of in this state of being.

Oh I was terrified of myself

But I knew I Needed someone or I’d Just wither away and Die so I resolved a great strategy

Simply don’t Do anything

She’s gotta open the door she’s gotta move her move she’s gotta be really clear

Now this isn’t rules a man must abide by all the time

I prefer to Hold a Door open for a Lady, for example

But I was All Fucked Up and knew I wasn’t perceiving reality quite right

So as long as I Just Waited and didn’t try to make anything happen

Well, Everything would probably be Just fine.

Even if I Just ended up going home and being Alone
As long as I didn't Hurt anyone I could Just try again

I knew I Needed someone to talk to

I knew I Needed someone to not Abandon Me

I knew I Needed someone to Love

And I knew I Needed that too

But I could also Wait for that

(If You simply Can NOT then as a Man I say You have no Business being around a Sister. She shouldn’t have to suffer for your weakness. Figure yourself out. Control Yourself. Or Die).

We had a Lovely Time

It was the Bagel that did it for me

With melted cheese and avocado and tomate. Wow.

And then You invited me into Your Heaven

Venus.

Peace.

I was being Healed Just being there.

We talked for hours at your table.

So I Wanted You after eating that Bagel, but couldn’t Do Anything.

I admit though, as we were talking, I thought of one move I could Do

I Just stopped talking suddenly and Just stared intensely into Your eyes

I happen to be aware I’ve been gifted with some nice ones.

There was maybe like ten moments of intense eye contact, then You reached across the table, Your hand to my temple. You later told me that was your special move. Noice. I Love Special Moves. We met halfway over the table and kissed. The Door was opened. It was all coming out now. After making out for maybe a couple minutes, with what I can only imagine was a wicked smile, I said,

“Where’s Your Room?”

Or did You have the Wicked Smile?

That was all You responded with as You took my hand and led me to Your bedroom.

As we entered, I closed the door and swiftly pinned You to the wall, kissing You on Your lips furiously and passionately. I now had every intention of making You Mine. But, I Needed to be Sure. I Needed to Be Sure without taking away the Heat of the Moment.

And I don’t like to brag but I honestly felt this was pretty Brilliant on my part.

After enjoying You against the wall for a bit I pushed You to Your bed. I’ll always remember You hopping up. Well, there’s a lot I’ll always remember. I followed You and began tearing into You, moving aside whatever fabric came into my way. Then, suddenly, I stopped. Self-Control. I looked at You and said,
“I Just Need You to Promise me One thing.”

“What is it?”
You said, transfixed, already under my spell.

“I Just Need You to Promise You’ll See Me Again. That’s All I Need.”

So I felt this was Brilliant because I knew that what I Needed wasn’t a hook-up, but an actual relationship. Someone to actually Care for and Give to, and Receive Care and Love in return. Someone who could create something meaningful with me. So if You weren’t going to Promise You'd Give me at least one more chance, then I wouldn't even have wanted to Give You the Gift I was then about to Give.

Additionally, I was afraid that I was being too aggressive. That perhaps You were scared. That perhaps You wanted me to stop but didn’t know where the “Off” switch was. By asking that question, if You weren’t all into it, then You probably couldn’t make a Promise like that, as You wouldn’t Want to. I thought posing the Question like that would take the Pressure off of You maybe feeling like You had to agree to the Sex and lead You to Give an Honest answer, but also wouldn't take much away from the Heat of the Moment if You were totally into it.

You looked at Me, hovering Just above Your waist, and said,

“I’m Yours.”

My eyes widened, “Do You know what that means?”

And didn’t bother waiting for an answer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKf5Cc2EGv0

I had learned from “L”

Was going there at all a mistake?

Or was not bringing her with me the mistake?

The mistake was, IF I was going to go there, to THEN not bring her with me

Because then I Just found myself alone, my gifts wasted…

Had I saved my gifts then for Her

Perhaps things would be different

Perhaps I could have Saved Her

Being with Me is Being Saved

BECAUSE I LOVE THEM

So when I was hurt and weak and seemingly “Given” “L”

It was a mistake to choose “L”

Only because, that’s not what I Truly wanted to do

Choosing “L” then was a choice made out of weakness

One I had to make because I was weak and Needed her to Heal

Having made the choice, thus the mistake

I should have invited “L” along with me

But I couldn’t Do that

(Which is why it was a mistake to go there in the first place)

So she was a mistake
And she was a mistake too
But She was definitely Not a mistake.
I don't really regret either
And that's because I learned from my mistakes
What to Do and What Not to Do.
I learned what I Needed and what I Wanted
I learned what was Good and Right and what was an error.
We can Learn a Lot from Our Mistakes.
If We're paying Attention.
And I like to think I Am.

So I learned from these mistakes.

When I decided to go meet Her I knew

If I was going to go to bed with Her

Then I should be ready to Build with Her too

And vice-versa, if I was going to Accept Her in My Bed

Then I should expect to not be tossed aside afterwards.

So I met Her with the Intention of Creating Something Meaningful

Something Strong and Lasting

Respect, Trust, Admiration, Care.

And Low and Behold it Worked.

I’d Figured it Out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCQmQwKEEOM

She's the one that put Me back together after all this.
She's the one that Healed Me
She's the one that got Me back on my Path
Back on My Bicycle
Back on My Journey

If it hadn't been for Her...
And when I went to meet Her I definitely did not expect for us to Be So Perfect Together!
But Her and I got off to this Amazing Start!
She was so into Me!
And She was exactly what I Needed!
Not because I Needed the Ego boost but because I had a lot of issues going on that I Needed to talk about and Needed someone's attention and I Needed them to Care!
In Return, I Gave Her All the Love I Had to Give.
If We had sired a Child together, so be it.
My Path in Life would have been changed.
God didn't Give us that
But we did get Exactly what we both Wanted and Needed from each other.
Healing and Love and Passion and Care
Fun and Growth and Exploration and Adventure.
And a Sweet Sweet Romance.
It was meant to Be and in All the Best Ways.
Once a Week I'd ride through the cold to go and see Her
And She'd let me into Her Heaven
Her Bastion.
We'd have so much Fun
Eat Wonderful Food
Learn about each other
Heal each other.



After a few months of just processing everything and so many Sweet Memories
Getting back on my bicycle come Spring seemed possible suddenly
I had Hope!
I was still incredibly Hurt, but with Her gifts of Love and Support, I was hopping out of bed and pouring myself into positive action.
That's when I made The Bagel Cart, by hand, by myself.
And got it running, by myself.
Oddly enough, most people tend to focus on the negative here.
The Fire Marshal shut me down after the second day, which was obviously disappointing
And I had other more important things to do
Which is why The Bagel Cart is now Ruined from the Weather on the side of the House
But I accomplished My Goal.
I Built My own Food Cart and Started my own small business (and was making a profit by the second day) in about two months and the only reason it's not still going (I was going to hire a Brother to run it and create an Honest Living for someone.Automated Income for myself) is because the New Haven Fire Marshall is an Idiot/No One told Me I had to Pay him off.



As for the more important things to do
The folk at the Ganja Farm in Maine had Her car which had broken down up there
My Main Source of Stress those days was Worrying about Her as She was Just out there on the Road somewhere presumably ditching Her companions to follow random dudes She Just met to their promises of Cookies in the Woods.
So if I could Restore Her car to Her
That would both solve my problems of constant unending Worry
A little bit.
And allow me the opportunity to Give to Her
Which may eventually elicit some amount of Gratitude from Her to Me
Which may then have led to Her not treating me like Garbage and actually talking to Me about Everything that happened instead of leaving me in a cold dark place to slowly go Insane about it All.
Finally, the Ganja Farm folk had attacked me, so I didn't think they aught to have Her car hostage like that.
So yeah, Mission to Maine to rescue Her car.
Good Plan!

I stayed at Her place first
She Gave me Sacred and Special Gifts that would energize me all the way there.
The first full day was rough
It was Cold it was Raining
Ya climb a long hill and are rewarded with ice slashing at your face as you ride down.

We pushed through, as we do, and a couple days later made it to Salem.
She had moved up there with "S" about a year prior
She had always lived there
And I knew it was my Duty to connect these two Long Lost Sisters.
I was received warmly when I arrived this visit.
She had me over as Her guest
Her roommates were all pretty cool too.
I slept on the couch, cooked food, we watched movies, and I was able to rest and plan
She even made me a Bubble Bath.
It was pretty special.
It meant a lot to Me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHazjWZb-ek

I messaged Her and we met up at Gulu-Gulu and it was so good to see Her.
It'd been many months and I'd been through a lot.
I wrote Her a letter detailing some of it, which I left with Her.
We went back to Her place and it was Just like it used to be between us.
As one of my favorite songs go, "Everything Stays! Right where you left it!"
We made plans for the following day for Me to return with Her
So at that point Salem Mission #1 was complete:
See Her. Deliver Letter. Confirm Positive Relationship.
Simple. Not tryin' to burn anyone's house down.
In fact, specifically not trying to burn anyone down.
Especially Her.

The next day She and I headed over there and the two of them finally met
Of course they connected immediately!
Salem Mission #2 complete!
I could have Just left at that point
But obviously that's the opposite of what I wanted to do as I Love both these girls phenomenally, then and now. I was thoroughly Alive in the moment and delighted at retelling my story of meeting them both at Bella Terra, then a couple weeks later, riding my bicycle to Boston, to See them both.
She gave a funny look as I recounted the part where she completely ditched me to go sky diving and I slept on the steps of the Boston Public Library and I didn't even see Her
But! It's thanks to Her that that ride even happened which means it's thanks to Her that She and I connected and built a relationship together which would become one of The Great Loves of My Life so
Nothing but Gratitude towards My Sister
"S" didn't really share the jubilance of the moment with me
At this point he was clearly sick of my presence
But We All went out anyways to a cool venue called THUNDER ROAD
That Night was so amazing
All I can say is
DOUBLE DRAGON SHINING LIONHEART!!!!



The two ladies drank too much and passed out on the ride back.
"S" and I had a nice talk.
She drank way too much and vomited somewhere and passed out at Her place, so I stayed over as well. She went straight to bed too, so it was just me, "S", and his roommate hanging out for a bit. Things were going well, until "S" decided it'd be a good idea to inhale several balloons worth of nitrous oxide and then threaten to Kill me if I ever returned to Salem.
Jeez, talk about Insecure.
Actually, I was pretty happy when "S" threatened to Kill me.
It meant he really cared about Her, and Her well being was honestly all I cared about.
Plus, I totally Ninja'd him.
I had already Completed My Mission.
Her and I already hung out and discovered together that Everything is Still Great and I delivered to Her the letter I wrote Her.
So the next morning She and I left
I rested one more night on Her couch
then continued North out of Salem towards Maine
All Missions Accomplished.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ595N9NZVg

So I pushed forward into Maine in the cold
My Grandfather actually lives up there and he drove out to help me out a bit
Which was fortunate
As both my knees started giving out on me as I passed the Portland area.
I had to rest under a trailer behind a Wal-Mart for a couple days
After I was discovered and they kicked me out I bought a couple knees braces and painfully continued North
I got lucky and got a ride about 100 miles to the area Her car was
Along My Journey, I don't accept rides, unless it's an emergency.
This was Different. I was on a Mission.
For the following week I rode around the area, scanned Satellite imagery at Libraries when I/my knees needed rest, and Just survived, looking everywhere for Her car.
She had given me the wrong address and the wrong phone number and wasn't responding to me.
I knew where the Ganja Farm was but Her car was at another Castle, the location of was a hazy memory.
After Police ran me out of the town of Poland (known for its Water)
My knees were not in good shape and neither was I
Frustrated at my lack of success and support
(She was cheering me on)
I couldn't remain any longer, so in one last gambit I rode to the Ganja Farm to Ask for/demand Her car
But No One was there

When I was up there last, I had accused someone in that group of Disrespecting/Hurting Her, which offended them and they denied.
While I was at it, I Free'd a Young Gal who was SpellBound there by getting her to Connect with Me, then severing the Connection
(So her Connection with the other guy i.e. the Spell she was under was disrupted and she was then emotionally Liberated.
You're Welcome Sister).
Which I Felt was Justice because the dude had seemed to be working against me in my pursuit of Her while we were there and potentially I didn't regain Her because he Judged Me and advised Her against Me.
So yeah like, he took my Love away, so I took his Love away.
She Needed to Be Free'd anyways she didn't belong there
It Was Awesome.

I was surprised when he suddenly started punching me in the head though.

I retreated and luckily had some friends in the area that saved me
(I had met them during my adventures months prior in The Green Gust).
I Wanted to get Her car back then and escape in it but it was January so Deathly Cold and I was on foot
The Car was trapped by Ice anyways...
So I tactically retreated to wait out the season and return atop my Epic Mount as the Ice melted.
I had introduced Her to these people
So I felt it was my responsibility to get Her car back from them
And for all the reasons already listed above
I Just Wanted to.

But I failed
And She drove all the way to Maine to rescue Me
And that's about when we started planning Our Adventure

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCPW-LOP5rc

For a month I trained rigorously
For another I Just made as many Bamboo Pipes as I possibly could
Collecting non-perishable foods all the while for the Journey
And otherwise Just preparing and having Great Times with Her
Just before Her and I were to leave
I got a message from Her
She had left "S" and wanted to see Me before I left
She accepted that I had to go see Her
I think maybe She didn't understand then
But if She's been reading, maybe now She does.

We went for a walk in a nice park
I remember we crawled into a large pipe typea thing to smoke
Smoking in Cool Places with You is one of my favorite things to do Ever.
So much so that any time I've smoked in a Cool Place without You it always feels like there's something Missing
We talked about Your Job a bit and why You went for that and how it made You Feel.
I felt a Rush between us
But I didn't want to Fuck You in a dingy Pipe

Should I Have?

And then You ran off and our Hike continued
I don't know about You but I could feel the Weight of what was, is, possible between us resting on my hands and shoulders like jute.
I had brought many gifts for You
I thought the Orange blanket was particularly nice
But watching You stroke and gaze at the Pristine Turkey feather gave me a deep sense of satisfaction.

How Pleasing it is to Me, to See My Lady Pleased.

I recall telling You along our Hike
That I Love You So So Deeply
I See You as My Wife
When we're together, at least.
If I wasn't mistaken, I could have sworn I saw You react positively to that, out of the corner of my eye.
I was rubbing Your foot on a bench in the Woods.

Am I going too far?
Writing all this?
When I think of how You Just Abandoned Me and Hurt Me and the whole World is in front of me and all the possibilities I Want to Just FLY
But when I think of My Love for You I don't even Care about What Just happened I'm Just in a state of perpetual disbelief that You are Lost to Me and if only I knew what to Do to Restore Us I'D DO IT.
But I can't See anything and You won't even show Me You won't even Talk to Me You won't even give me 15 minutes of Your Time.
So I have nothing else to Do but This.
Write it All Down.

After I dropped You back off at Your Home I stepped to You and put my two hands around to the top of Your Head,
"Can I Kiss You?"

"...uhn-uhn" as You shook Your Head

"...Okay. Then I won't."
And I stepped back into The Green Gust.
One cool thing about that car, the cabin light was Blue.
I knew I wasn't gonna see Her for a while.
I knew it was gonna Hurt

But I didn't know Just How Much it was gonna Hurt.

Her Porch Lights were Off as She walked up the pathway to Her door.
"I Love You, Lili"

"...See You next Time, Justin."

"Be Safe, okay?
I'm in The Blue now,
and You're in The Dark..."

Did You know what I meant when I said that?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atVwNb21vW8

A couple days later, there was a Tycho show in New Haven
Tycho is one of my favorite bands ever
I discovered them as I was preparing to leave on My Journey
I listened to them a lot with You during that time
Their music means a lot to me
Both because of the association with You
And for its Power to bring me right back to those Magical Moments when I had at last removed my chains, learned to Fly, and the Entire World was Open to Me, Just waiting for Me to Step Out into it.
It Still is that way
But Everything Feels Different now

Her and I went to the show together.
Our plan was to leave after the show
We were all ready, Just waiting for Tycho.
I so Hoped You would come.
I wanted You to meet Her
I wanted You to join us and come back to my house to stay the night
Just like You had before
Then You and Her could be Friends

Ah.
I'm sorry.
This is the problem here, You See, with a LionHeart.

You and I had such a great Time
I bumped into "A" at the show
It was nice to see her again but neither of us have quite the attention span for the other, so we didn't converse much.
I made some cool pipe trades and got You a Beautiful Rainbow Quartz Necklace
Remember how We went to the Chapel of Sacred Mirrors on our way West and Enchanted that Unique Perfect Necklace with a bead we got from the Labyrinth there?
How Cool was that!?
I Loved You
As I Still Love You
But I was sad She didn't come.
I'm Sorry.
At that time, I couldn't help but think how, had I been stronger in the past.
Had I not gone out to meet You because I Needed You to Heal Me.
Had You and I Never Met.
Would I have Been with Her then?

Would I Be with Her Now?

I didn't feel regret.
You weren't a mistake.
You weren't, because I Love You.
But if You could See Me now
I wonder what You'd say
I wonder how Seeing Me like this now would make You Feel
Sitting at my computer
Alone like this
まいにち まいにち
Your things in a box to My Right
Hers in a Box Behind Me
What's left of Hers in a pile on the floor
My Tears and snot in a puddle on that spot on the wooden floor that's visibly corroded because that's where they always Fall
Every Day they Fall
No One seems to Understand

This Is Not Something One Recovers From.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo5rQnLLoPw

Our first stop, after CoSM, was Ithaca
And the Honest Truth...
It was one of the Greatest Times of My Life.
Our Plan worked Perfectly.
We landed at the Wal-Mart and slept there.
The next day we took our bicycles off the back rack
Me on LionHeart You on DawnBringer
And left The Green Gust there to explore the city on our little cruisers.
We were meeting people, inquiring about different places to go... And I wanted to get to that smoke stack in the distance.
How funny was it that I thought it said Ithaca College but it said Ithaca Guns the whole time?
And How COOL was that whole area?!
It was like a frigg'n Gauntlet!
We had to crawl through a hole in the back of the concrete building and watch out for Death Pits and shimmy over a cliff along a fence then climb over it then up onto a wall then down and up a ravine then...
We were atop a Plateau
A huge Beautiful Waterfall directly in front of us
No One around.
We heard people over yonder though and discovered that if One carefully descended down into one of the Death Pits you could swing under the fence and came out right behind a Cornell University Fraternity, right at the front of this Giant Man-made Tunnel Drilled into the side of the Cliff.
Ezra's Tunnel.
When one walks through and comes out the other side, one finds themselves on top of the Waterfall.
And if You follow the River upstream, there's another Waterfall and a whole swimming hole.
And We Just discovered all this!
We raced back to The Green Gust and moved it nearby, then brought our camp to the plateau, cutting through the fraternity yard as a short cut.
(It's like we Beat the Level and unlocked an alternate path omgangaiusdgalk)
That night I got a fire going for us in one of the hallowed out concrete buildings and cooked us a stir-fry with the vegetables from your parent's garden.
Which was, of course, delicious.
Navigating back to Our Tent on the Plateau in the Dark was difficult, but I made Sure You could manage, and we crawled into our tent together, the sounds of the WaterFall enriching every moment of the Evening.

Ithaca was Epic.
Days later, when we were about to leave town, I wanted to get some photos of the Smoke Stack area, so I left You with The Green Gust and ran to capture some Light.
I had met a Brother days prior at the Bicycle co-op that said he climbed this thing.
I thought, well, I don't want to keep Her waiting...
But a voice in Me YELLED

IF HE COULD DO IT YOU COULD DO IT!!!

With a big Smile, I put one hand, then another, on the first thin iron rack protruding from the walls.
After climbing Just a bit a Fall would be a serious injury
Then Death.
I started climbing just moving One limb at a time, in case one of the iron rods failed on me, I'd still have 3 or at least 2 limbs holding me.
As I slowly made my way upwards, I thought about Why I was doing this.
I could Die. This was Dangerous. This was Dumb.
Wasn't It?
I thought of You.
I thought of Them.

And I Couldn't Go On.

I Froze.

If I'm climbing for them

Any of them

Well, they're not up there!
They're down there!

If I'm climbing for them...

I should be climbing down

Right Now!

I was maybe 80% up

I could see from where I was

The rungs towards the top are jammed further into the wall.

I guess they're more stable that way but there's not a lot of space to place a foot.

Was I turning around?

No.

I Wanted to Get to The Top.

ME.

I Wanted to Get There so I could See the View.

I Wanted to Get There so I could Say I did it.

I Wanted to Get There because I didn't Want to Quit.

I Wanted to Get There because it was a Challenge.

I Wanted to Get There because I Decided I Would!

I Just Wanted to Get There!

North

West

 East

South

That's where I Am now
Along My Journey.
I'm at those final few rungs.
80%
They're hard to climb upon and don't appear stable at all
And if one were to fall You'd have about five seconds maybe of Time to think about why God decided to Smite You and make Peace with Your Life before You Splat on the ground for Real and Your body becomes a mangle of meat and fluids.
So If You're climbing for Any Other Reason than to Simply Get to the Top
If You're climbing for anyone else...
Well who knows.
But that's not what got Me to the Top

I Want to Make the Most out of This Life

I Want to See Beautiful Places

I Want to Create Beautiful Things

I Want to Hone my Self into the Best Me I can Be

I don't Want to Splat on The Ground

I Want to Be Everything that I Could Ever Need

I Want to Move Forward in this Life of Mine

With Faith that my Hand Will Not Slip

That I Will Not Fall to a Bloody End

That I Will Live this Life of Mine

This Precious Gift I've been Given

And there are So Many Wondrous Sights to Behold

We traveled through Ohio
"Hey, y'know, there's a Solar Eclipse coming!"

"Oh? I had no idea..."

We traveled through Indiana
"Carbondale? I think that's on the Line of Totality."

"Totality? What's that?"

We traveled through the Garden of The Gods
"Yeah! The Eclipse is happening right here! Tomorrow! That's why there's so many people here!"

"I Just figured The Garden of The Gods was Just a really popular National Park!"

We joined with my friends and traveled to Makanda

As The Moon slowly moved itself in front of the Sun
I went into the Rainmaker's Workshop
The Line of Totality was Painted on the Ground
It ran right over the the artist's wares
This Brass Ring called to me because of the "X" on it
I've always liked the letter "X"
I Want to name my son Xavier Just for that reason
So During the Eclipse, I purchased this Ring
With the intention of One Day Giving it to My Son
And I Named it The Sun Ring.
If I have a Daughter,
I'll change its Name to The Moon Ring.

In the final few seconds before Totality
There is a visceral tenseness in the air
At least, there was amongst the small crowd of folk in Makanda, IL.
I removed my glasses to see the Rim of The Sun.
It was like Light Entering into my Being through My Eyes.
Then, a gasp from the crowd
As if Everyone took a large breathe to hold all at once
As the final rays of direct light were blocked out by The Moon

It was like a Burning Black Ball in the Sky.
The Horizon in every direction was aglow like that of a sunset.
Where We Were was Dark like late Dusk
The crickets began chirping
The Birds hid and fell silent
I imagine Everyone's Necks were craned, tilting their heads backwards to look up as I was.
I do not know, I could not look around not even for a moment.
I was too Transfixed upon The Above.
Simply Marveling at the Heavenly Bodies in the Sky. 

It only lasted for about two minutes
And then The Moon continued along it's way
Letting the rays of the Sun spill upon us all once more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i90Tb455F3Y

Facebook messages aren’t Real

It’s Just Light on a Screen

Okay I guess You wrote it but Just the same as this Online Book

It’s Not All.

There’s more to me there’s more to You 

I’m thankful I at least got to see Her

For an hour as She just clawed at my Heart before sending me away

Had to go through a Night of Cold Despair Just for that.

Thanks. Merry Christmas.

But I Still Hope
That One Day
You'll Treat Me Right
And See Who I Really Am
And Accept the Love that I Do Have for You
And Maybe
Just Maybe
We'll be able to Understand each other.

And as far as I’m concerned, my exchange with Her was not real.

I’m Still at East Rock.

Waiting.

When You promised Me You'd be Reading
That Serendipitous Passing at Your Library

That was Real.

It's like You said though in Your message
"As a part of our Journeys and growth
Everything matters."

It Feels so Good to Excel
To Win against Our Selves
Our Lower Self
And Walk on Our Own Feet
Fly by Our Wings
Overcome Our Demons
And Be Free.
I Wanted to Give You Freedom
But No Matter how much I Want to Free You
No Matter Who I Am or Become How Far I Went or Would Go What I Accomplish
Only You can Free Yourself.

And that is such a Painful Lesson
THAT'S WHAT BROKE MY SPIRIT
NOT THE COLD
NOT YOUR REJECTION
NOT MY OWN WEAKNESS
BUT THAT I COULDN'T HELP YOU
THAT I FOUGHT AND I FOUGHT AND I PRAYED AND I PRAYED AND I SERVED AND I GAVE AND I ASKED FOR YOU AND NOT A BIT OF IT COULD DO ANYTHING BECAUSE IT'S YOU NOT ME YOUR LIFE NOT MINE AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE THE CHOICE.

But When You Do
Know that My Love Will Have Endured
As I Have Endured.
No Matter How Much Time has Passed
My Love for You Will Not Die.
It Can't.
It is as Eternal as The Phoenix.
And When You Need Me I Will Be There For You.
I Will Show You The Love that This Man has for You.
And it Will Be even Greater then than it is Now.

Her and I, We said Goodbye as She boarded the Train

Yeah there were facebook messages for months. Without Her presence, Her energy, Her Healing, I wasn't Me anymore I was Me and it wasn’t enough anymore for Her and She did what She had to Do and made Her choices and now I guess She’s with some dude and I’m happy for Her.
I Hope They have LOVE
He Better be treating Her Right
I’ll maybe get to meet him when I See Her in Five Years.

But as far as I’m concerned

We Just said goodbye at that train station.

We both had tears in our eyes.

And I'm Sorry
But I'm Not Sorry I Hurt You.
Because I Love You.
I Love You so I should be the one to Hurt You.
It only Hurts because of Love

I had known this was the way it had to be.
When I made the decision to stop talking
And stare at You with these Eyes of Mine
I Knew I was going to Hurt You
From That Very Moment, I Knew
That's Why I tried to Give You EVERYTHING I COULD

I knew how much I’d miss You I was NOT looking forward to the Loneliness facing all the Pain I’m STILL Carrying it it’s only getting worse and heavier do You think this is how I Want to Live? My Heart’s so used to it and I created this Self intentionally. Built him Day by Day. Stone by Stone. Tooth and Nail. Mortared with Sweat Cemented with Tears. Of course I had to rebuild when I couldn’t even See Her. Most of the repairs She made are fine but Breaking Communication Broke Open some cracks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7amYEBTramw

So as one can plainly see
This is a whole big mess.
And I Love It.
It's Exactly what I Wanted.
I Never Wanted anyone to be Hurt

Oh
Our Hurt
Look and See What The Lord thy God hath done with it

I Never Wanted to mislead or manipulate anyone
I Just didn't Want the Standard Traditional Relationship.
I Wanted to Follow My Own Path
Make My Own Rules
Love in My Own Way.
I Wanted to Love More.
With All the Benefits and the Drawbacks of it.
I Wanted Sisters
I Want Sisters.

I Want Sisters,

I don't Need a Harem

I sure would not be complaining if I had one.

I at least can't Quit on My Heart's Pure Desires
Bringing People Together
Connecting through Love.
I was Blessed to have had the experience to facilitate this a few times before
And every time it was wonderful.
My Heaven
Given unto Me
Yes, there were Tears
Yes, it's Confusing
Yes, it's a Mess
But it's Also Beautiful
It's Also Virtuous
It's Also True

And if You Ask Me, it's Also Sexy AF

God and I Crafted This LionHeart of Mine Together.

HURT ME AGAIN

I'VE TOLD YOU EACH THIS BEFORE

IT'S HOW WE GROW STRONG

DON'T GO EASY ON ME

I NEED TO BE STRONG OR THE WORLD WILL TAKE YOU FROM ME ANYWAYS

HURT
ME

I NEED TO BE STRONG TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN
MY FAMILY
EVERYONE

I'm Sorry I Broke this time Lord.
I'm Sorry I haven't been doing my Best.
I'm Sorry I've been Eating so Much and Exercising so Little.
I'm Sorry I've been Turning from You.
And I'm Sorry that a part of me is so Ostentatious as to Not Be Sorry.

I'M SORRY FOR MY WEAKNESS
I'M SORRY I WANT TO CONTINUE TO BE WEAK
I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PAY FOR IT

I Want to Work and I Want to Earn

I Want to Hurt and I Want to Have

I Want Sister's Love

I Want Sister's Body

I Love You Jesus

I Love You All

I Wait to See what The Lord Will Give Unto Me

This is Who I Am.

Why doesn’t anyone Want Me?

Because I'm a Mess

Because WE HURT

I never mean to

But You know you’re going to

I know that I'm going to Hurt someone Just by Living
Just by Stepping out My Front Door into this Grand World
Just by Loving

Love Hurt

I don't know where the line is

Love to Hurt

I don't know what Gifts are given to some nor Why

Love Hurts

But this here is How I Am Loving them, Right Now.
And I Pray they See it when the Time is Right.

And When I at last See Them

I Will Love again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2G61GiXak4

As I sit here at my desk at home

Writing Everything I can to show Who I Am, How I Think, What I Do

And Explain to the greatest extent which Words will allow (or at least My Skill with them) Just how important The Love I carry is for My SOUL

I can smell the Peanut Butter from the nearby open jar.

Distracting, but I have to ration it.

It’s been my anti-depressant

Shouldn’t over medicate

I Just Love it so much.

When I have a spoonful I can escape Reality for a moment

It started with You

I can go to that moment, so vividly

Sunflower Seed Butter, from the food hall. We’d put it in the ice cream cups, and apples and bananas in our pockets, and go back to Your room. We’d sit on the floor, in between the two beds. I was always nervous. Worried I’d say something Wrong or Do something Dumb or fart or something. But when You'd pass me the cup and the apple You just bit, it was like a wave of LOVE. Like, that was all I Needed. The moment was enough. Enjoying the flavors and smells and feelings.
Your Face Your Room Your Energy.
My Mind. At Peace. My Heart. Healing.
Nothing Hurts.
No longer in Darkness.
Your LIGHT.

But there have been many awesome Nut butter-banan moments since

Almond Butter with Cardamom, cloves, and Fudge flakes, in the back of The Green Gust, parked in that lot when Juganoth and I were building that Room in New Orleans for Doemon. My Carpentry Apprenticeship.

Cashew Butter with Pumpkin Pie spice and Molasses, in Yellow Springs, Ohio, Her and I, just before heading out of the town, sitting on a bench in the shade, such a Perfect Sunny Day, a brother we met suddenly appeared and gave us a tub of Mac n’ Cheese, too. And I Gave him a Pipe.

Atzlan Village. The end of a long hard day working in the sun. Micheal and Lady Saba would Give me Bananas, and Natural Peanut Butter. I could tell they kinda felt bad that they weren’t giving me more, but that was really all I Wanted (Needed). Just being there, helping them and learning, was reward enough. I’d take the Peanut Butter and banans back to The Dome with me. I’d sit on the couch and light a candle. I’d think of You, and what it’d be like to bring You here. I’d think of You, and what it’d be like to bring You here. I’d think of You, and what it’d be like to bring You here. Depending on how the day had gone, what I’d seen, how My Mind interpreted things, what I Felt, what I held on to, I’d focus on someone, usually You.
I couldn’t give you any sorta numbers about it.

So I’d Just eat my banana with Peanut Butter and think of all the best moments that came to mind, and remember the day and try to insert You into those memories.

Then I’d cry.

Every Night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgRw-amiWJw

So Addiction is

Needing a particular Substance in order to regulate your emotions.

So if You’re unable to stop being sad, for example, and there is a particular substance that makes you happy, and you believe/know that you Need that substance in order to be happy, then You are Going to Want that Substance, from a Level Deeper than You are probably Conscious of.

Peanut Butter is a Good thing to be addicted to

Look at How You Changed My Life.

But even still when I’ve had enough Calories for the day and I Know I don’t Need another spoonful, I’m Just setting myself back from my Goals. But when it Hurts and it’s Heavy and I can’t stop thinking I can’t make this Feeling go away, a spoonful is like an anti-depressant pill.

It’s practically Magical, the effect it has on me.

So I smell it and I Want nothing more than to enJoy and lose myself whether I Need My Medicine in that moment or not

Then I remember, BLACK METEORITE.
Me. Flying. Fighting. Winning.

I Want to Keep that Up!

I Want to Do that Again!

(I Want that 6-pack!!!)

I don’t Need the Peanut Butter!

But, it still Hurts…

Then I See Your Face.

That photo of us, holding hands, smiling...

And I guess it could have gone either way I guess it could have made me sad and then maybe I’d of picked up the spoon.

But No, I’m trying to Rise Up and Be the Best Me I Can Be.
So I Have HOPE that You’re going to read this one day and Give Me a Call.
That You’re going to Want to See Me.
It’s Out of My Hands but it’s also at the tips of my fingertips.
It’s Right Here.
I’m typing Us Right Now.

It’s From My Mind and My Heart.

I review my Words and make sure I didn’t Write anything Dumb af

I think about the effect I’m having on The World

And, it’s gotta be True.

If it ain’t True, if I don’t mean it, I can’t Type it.

So, with My HOPE, and My Work to Move Forward and Grow

Your Face doesn’t makes me Sad

It makes me Happy

And I don’t even Want the Peanut Butter anymore

And that’s not a choice I make

That’s sub-conscious

That’s determined based on My Work, and My Hope

Which comes from My Choices and My Faith

That’s How You Beat Addiction

Positive Healthy Choices for Our Selves and Our World
Faith in something Beyond Our Selves and Our World

When You’re Addicted to something, you don’t want to listen to Your Heart

You don’t Want to Feel Good there

You Want to be in Pain because Pain is the excuse You Need to Feed

Feed Your Want

LOVE’s not enough

You're Hungry and listening to Your Heart doesn't Satisfy You at All

Your Addiction is a Need
At least, You believe it is
At least, Your Want for it is Sub-Conscious
So until You figure out hot to Break-Free of that
You Are Slave to it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDVOn0z9e0M

We can effect People in Positive or Negative ways

We Can Choose to Heal or Hurt

Our Judgment Determines How We Make our Choices

But Either Way

We Existed

We Lived

We Exerted our Will upon This World

We Effected someone else’s Life in a Real Way

It’s so much easier to Hurt—to destroy

And sometimes someone Needs to Be Hurt—Something Needs to be Destroyed

But it is so much more difficult to Create—to Maintain

It can Feel Pleasurable to Hurt—to destroy

But does it Feel… Good?

Giving—Letting Go Can be Painful

LOVE can be Brutal

LOVE can be Heavy

LOVE can be Kind

LOVE can be Free

LOVE is LIGHT

When People Take Your LIGHT they HURT You

We Learn through our Lives

Discernment and Judgment

Tolerance and Respect

Trust and Will

Strength and Power

Knowledge and Wisdom

And as We each Seek that which we Long for

And Build Our selves Every Day

All of our Choices

Stack Up

Creating Who We Are

Effecting The World around Us

And Determining the extent to which we can interact with it

In other Words

Our Destinies.

We become Who We are able to become

And Carry what LIGHT we still have

Because if You Just Let People Take Your LIGHT they HURT You.

You have to Protect Yourself

You have to Learn How to GIVE

How You can GIVE Your LIGHT

SO THE LIGHT PROTECTS YOU

We each have to learn when and how to Protect ourselves

Just as we each have to learn when and how to Ask for Help

This isn’t the first time I’ve been here

Loving and Longing for a certain someone but being unable to be with them

And being quite tempted to fill that void in desperate abandonment.

We need to look back to learn from our past

to resolve our direction

If we want to change

If we want to grow

If we want to be something

Especially if that something is greater that what we are.

What am I going to choose?

I Want to see Her again.

I'm alone again

Have I got something all wrong?

One Just wasn’t enough for You and here You are trying to cover yourself

This is Who I’ve always been!

An Illusion you made up.

This is who I Want to Be!

False Ego.

Of course I Want more Love
Of Course I'd Be with someone if I could
Of Course I'm tempted

You Want to Eat Your Sister and You Know You Can.

But if it Costs Me Her
And if I'm Just going to Hurt someone
THEN IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO ME
BECAUSE IT'S MY LIFE AND THAT'S NOT THE PATH I CHOSE

Stuff and Nonsense.
You Want
You Want to Hurt
You Want like the Monster You Are

It's that Want that's brought me to this Space
My lack of Mastery over it
My mistakes

Backwards.

...My Virtue?
...My LionHeart?
...My LOVE?

Precisely.

It always Hurts so phenomenally
Whenever Love isn't Free.

Take.

Even if Love is Just an Energy that can Be Consumed

We still have Choice.

We choose what we eat.

We choose who we spend our time with

We choose who we Love

We choose who we Give our Selves to

We choose who we Take from

Heal, and Train, so you can be Strong.

The Strong Can Take the Weak

That choice has meaning!

The Strong have Earned Choice

Even if we are all just eating each other

Choice is Freedom

Love and Care and Compassion exist within us

You bury Your Compost in the ground, right?

I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU THAT'S WRONG IT'S CORRUPT IT'S MADNESS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS

WE WANT TO HEAR YOUR HEART SCREAM
WE WANT TO SEE YOUR DEPTH
WE WANT YOU TO EAT

The choice still has meaning…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62Cg88XUyP4

I listen to my music

And every now and then it just hooks me

My Feelings for Her come out
And Her and Her sometimes too, depending on the song, or my state of being.

I Wish they could Feel Me
I Wish they KNEW how I Cherish them still

I Wish SHE KNEW How I FELT.

And it’s those Feelings that are REAL

It’s Our Emotions that Create Us

I’m not Hungry. I’m not Angry. I don’t Need for ANYTHING.

I Just have to Protect this Precious Emotion

Like a Seed in My Heart

I’ve got to carry it

Carefully

I can’t let that piece of me Die

I can’t

I can’t

I can’t…

I look back over some of the posts from this past year

The collections of photos for each of them

Warriors and Art and Messages and Flowers…

“I can’t wait to See each of You again.”

AHHHHHHHHHH

Okay No More Crying Now

AH AH AH aaaaaa

I guess we don’t really choose when we cry

Ahhhhhh rrrrrrrrrrrr rr aaa ah AHHHHH

I guess we wouldn’t want to

ha…….. ha…….. ahaaaaa……

That’d be like controlling The Wind

nnnnnnn
nn
nn
AHHHHHHHHHH

...okay I guess we Need some Peanut Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLu1wP9HhYM

“Can I Defeat the Universe?

Can I as Ego, escape from suffering?

Can I somehow or other beat the game

And not have to take Black along with White

And Darkness along with Light...

...He has posed himself a problem about which he can’t do anything and also about which he can’t do nothing

And he arrives at total frustration.

And so he asks, ‘What is the Meaning of this?

What does it mean that I’ve gotten into this state?’

Well obviously it dawns at last that the meaning was he was asking the wrong question.

He had construed the whole thing in a way that only went around in a circle…

...We see the circle. They are all, as it were, in a prison. The prison being the human situation. We are all organisms of a certain kind, and anything that we do, will bear our style. There’s no way out of that. Even if you describe nature as red and tooth and claw, and utterly careless of man, that’s a human poetic way of thinking about things. I’m sure Tigers don’t think of themselves as red and tooth and claw. They probably think they’re very gentile pussycats.”

~Alan Watts

https://consciousreminder.com/2017/04/27/tantra-is-opposite-of-porn-learning-actually-be-intimate/

“A person who swallowed a ball of red hot iron. He can’t swallow it down and he can’t spit it out. And so nothing can happen. Absolutely no answer to this problem. No way out. Now what does that mean? If I can’t do the right thing by doing, and I can’t do the right thing by not doing, what does it mean? It means, of course, that I who is saged to do all this am A Hallucination.”

~Alan Watts

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Layla_and_Majnun

The Substance of Our Connection

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me.

She was a woman who birthed two children,
a corner of her mind always alert to them.
She would not back into corners of compromise.
Her life kept its rewards as long as she
to others, through love, through friendship.


The carriage held but just ourselves

I see our heritage, a line of women
believing in tomorrow.


And Immortality.

One moment she was lace, a woman who cherished dreams, self-reliant in her will.
Love unraveled like a tattered sweater,
leaving formless shreds which she gathered
and rewove into knitted beauty.

~By Lois Young-Tulin

And Emily Dickinson.

Thank You Reverend
Sometimes I don't Feel like getting out of bed and making it to Church
But Ever Time I Go I am Given Love and Healing and Guidance and it's always the Right thing
So Thank You for Your Service.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."
~~Mahatma Gandhi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LobStR4JT8

Strength

Weakness

I'm going to carry this

How Long before I reach my limit?

The Pacific Coast is an End of The Earth of a sort, Right?

Where Will We Fall?

There's Just so much meaning stacked upon meaning

It's like, oh, You Want to Make Love with a Woman, Justin?
You Fucking Hypocrite.

There goes your future family.
Everyone from Here to The Rockies is disappointed in You

And All those prayers you spoke are nullified now too so all the Demons that You've been protecting Her from with your prayers and Celibacy can Just Eat Her up.

You Were Weak

This is Life

When You Fail People Die

When You Fuck Up People Die

It doesn't Just all Magically Work Out

Y'know, My Heart didn't turn.

Abandoned and Betrayed

I didn't once Wish for Ill upon either of You
It Just disappoints Me
Why don't You Want a Guy like that around?
It Hurts.
What's the matter with Me?
What'd I Do?

If I castrate myself would You Accept Me then?

You both built meaning with Me

WELL WOULD YOU?

Was I the only one learning anything?

Is it really all about that?

Didn't I Give You Something of Value?

Why can't You Trust ME?
When have EVER I Betrayed that??

Aren't I Something of Value!?

What am I looking for?

I'm not allowed to See the Women I Love

Is this not Death?

Is this Pain not Killing Me?

I'm so Confused

I Am SO Confused.

What Do I Want What Do I Need What Am I Supposed to DO

I Want Love I Need My Loved ones to Be Okay I'm Supposed to Take Care of them

I swear if I Need to hear one more person lecture Me on how, "She doesn't Need to be Saved.."

WELL I DO SO MAYBE YOU CAN JUST HOPE SHE GETS AROUND TO IT SOMETIME

And besides, maybe She Does.

You Don't Know.

And Neither Do I.

Her Heart is Buried in Bitterness and Ignorance, or So I Figure

Hers too, Probably

Y'know, I Might have been able to reach Her

This All Might have worked

If Only She was a bigger reader

If only She kept Her Promise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ILOA7lYNDs

"No."

All I Needed to Hear, right?

I Want to Live!

I don't Want to Be in this Pain all the Time

I Want to Be Free!

WHAT I DO WITH MY PAIN IS WHAT DEFINES ME

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR FUCKING LIFE

I DON'T CARE I WANT TO HELP HER THAT'S ALL I WANT TO BE

YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE

What the Hell does it matter IF I AM?

You can say whatever You Want as You stare at Her photos hiding in Your Room but after a couple months of being out there alone Exhausted and Sad when a girl looks at You You are not going to be able to Walk Away

I Want to Die.

You're Going to.

I don't Want Her to Die.

...

Satan is a businessman.

There are lots of Low-level Demons that Just want to Consume and Destroy indiscriminately

Satan, however, is pretty smart.

He understands that if one does that, eventually there's nothing left to Consume or Destroy.

So Satan actually has several really nice places

Farms with Beautiful Families on them, Growing and Prospering.

However, Satan not does See the People on these farms as individuals

Satan Sees them as Fruit

Perhaps Cattle.

When things are at the perfect moment

That is when Satan will Consume and Destroy

To Maximize Profit and Pleasure, Gain and Flavor.

Satan is Pride

Satan is Want for More

(I experience this with Peanut Butter)

(I am experiencing this with Loving Relations)

Working to Better Our Lives is One Thing

Being Unsatisfied with what we have and Envious and Jealous of others is Darkness

Labeled as such as those powerful, negative emotions, lead us to considering choices that would Hurt our Selves and Others

As I've traveled and spent many hours alone

A great concern began to arise within me

I thought, the way I'm becoming, it's harder for people to relate to me

I'm becoming this unique person, which is what I want

But because of that, I'm not a member of any group

And People have a much harder time understanding me

Especially concerning Deeper issues

What I'm worried about isn't so much losing my ability to be a people person

But rather, being unable to find Love.

I have always felt Loneliness rather vividly

I appreciate Solitude but experience waves of longing for companionship often.

I have been very afraid of losing My Mental Health and Internal Stability from these experiences of Lonesomeness and further, being unable to escape from that Painful Lonely place, due to Mental Instability and the growing likelihood of most people being unable to connect with me.

So, being Trapped

by My Own Mind

However, I'm learning that this not be something I Need Fear.

I'm learning that I'm Stronger than I Know

Including and Especially My Mind

And I'm learning that even though I am most certainly an eccentric oddball

I can still chat with Just about anyone

And if they like me they like me if they don't they don't

Which is the way it's always been, and is for everyone

So as I Age and come into being the person I shall become

I Need not Fear but Embrace that

So Long as I Still Strive Forward

Upholding my values

Being the Best Person I can Be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqbsJ409W-s

At one Time, The Party was a Dream.

I never really experienced it before, that Party where we all have so much fun and make Love with Beautiful People and the only consequence we have to pay is a headache the next day.

Everyone's Sexy we're all Dancing on some drug of choice and Just Feeling Grand and it's Just the best time ever for Everyone.

It's on TV it's in the Movies

It Has What I Want

What I Need.

I saw it in Chicago

All the Yachts strung together out in the bay.

I could swim out there. I could Just swim over there and blend right in and I've got my totally awesome Cross-country bike tour narrative as a back up. By the Time anyone knows that I'm Just some random guy that swam over I'll be friends with half the people there and they'll all probably be glad. It's not like I want to hurt anyone. Just get some Free Food, meet Cool People. Of course if a Lady was into me I'd Go for it. I'm a Gentleman and a Fantastic Lover she'd probably have to be pried offa me.

Oh yeah, that's what we've learned is Wrong.

Getting people to Love You, then Taking what You Want from them, then leaving.
Cutting off any of Our Own Feelings of Love because We Can.

No not Just leaving, but pushing them out of your life.

"Uhm, yeah. You can friend me on facebook, I guess."

(More likely it would be her saying that as I tend to develop feelings for a Lady and genuinely Want to develop a relationship with her if she so much as compliments Me and Gives me a Hug, but my point is, it's Not Love if You intend to Do that from the Start).

Well I never had the chance to make a mistake at the "Wild Parties"

I almost drowned swimming out into the bay.

I had failed to exercise my upper body enough over the months of cycling so my arms got tired pretty fast and I couldn't rest on my back on account of the surprisingly large waves of Lake Michigan.

I barely made it to a buoy that I clutched to for a couple minutes until...

A Beautiful Family rescued me.

Just a man, woman, and child.

They saw me on the buoy and sailed over and saved me

Gave me fruit and nuts and I shared some stories.

The Dad and Kid and I went swimming together, then they dropped me off by the beach

I didn't make it to the Party.

But, I had found something better.

I thought I had, at least.

I thought I had.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SCywAqqdc0

This is What I Want

What I've Always Always Wanted

I Wanted to Give this to...

I Guess I should stop writing "You" now.

I Wanted to Give this to Her.

Most folk tell me the same thing

Move on Find Another "Plenty of Fish"

(I'm a vegetarian and She's not a Fish)

But what nobody can tell me

If I Do Give this to someone else

Is that going to Heal Me?

Is that going to fill this Hole in My Heart?

"If it's meant to be it'll happen"

That is NOT What I have experienced in MY Life.

In My Experience You have to FIGHT and WIN and if You DON'T then You LOSE and what You Love is TAKEN FROM YOU.

In My Experience it doesn't matter how Beautiful Your Love is it doesn't matter how much something means Nothing Fucking Matters Anything can be Destroyed Anyone can be Taken Nothing is Certain All it takes is One Fall and your Heart is EATEN BY MONSTERS

SO DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME ABOUT MEANT TO BE

MY SKY IS BROKEN

This is the experience I Need to Heal MY Heart and My SOUL

I Just Want to Help someone

I Want to Rescue someone

Oh My God

I Have seen so many Sisters

Why is She suffering here?

Why is She doing that to herself?

How can I help Her?

How can I save Her?

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING

I Just Need

NEED NEED NEED

TO SEE THAT THERE'S SOME HOPE IN ALL THIS

I CAN'T STOP HATING

I CAN'T STOP HURTING

I WANT TO FIGHT

I WANT TO DIE................................................... .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Numb.

I can do it if I try.

Just stop feeling.

That's what I was afraid of.

It's Death.

Silencing My Heart

There is no Emotion in this Space.

No Music No Song No Joy

Nothing.

Nothing But Hunger.

It's Death.

Like I'm this thing I don't even know What I Am in This World anymore I Just know I'm Broken I Need someone and I Need it to be Beautiful

So Who is She?

Who Needs Me?

No I don't care how perfect she is how Beautiful Smart Endowed

Though I guess I Need to be attracted to Her...

No I don't care where she's from her Class Status Culture

Though I guess I Need to share some interests with Her...

No I don't care how she's performed what she has or hasn't accomplished

Though I guess I Need Her to be a Good Person...

I Want For the Broken Girl that no one can understand because so many immature men only care about themselves and don't give the time nor attention to really Know and Care for their Lover.

And I Want to Show Her Love

I Want For the Lost Girl that the World is about to Eat because that's what the World does and we're expected to shut up and be grateful for it.

And I Want to Save Her from that

I Want For the Scared Girl that longs to see the World but can't because she'd be a meal for some Demon on the Hunt and she knows it.

And I Want to Teach Her how to FIGHT

While We See the World

Together

Alive

Give me the Girl with "Issues"

Give me the Girl with a Scar on Her Heart

Give me the Girl with the Scarlet Letter

I can Teach Her how to Control her Mind

I can Help Her Heal Her Heart

I can Show Her how to take a Judgement and explain to others exactly where they can Shove it

We'd Fly and We'd Live and We'd Love and it'd be so Grand

We'd make a Bond that would last a Lifetime

We'd be a Perfect Unbreakable Team

But I'm Not The One.

She'll read my Writings One Day then She'll Understand

I'm Just a Cowboy who doesn't like bein' alone

So I Hope She

I Hope You

Forgive Me

I didn't Want to Hurt You

I didn't Want to Just Take I Wanted to Give

I didn't Want to misguide You I Wanted to Teach You All I Could

I don't even know Who I'm Talking to right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwpMEbgC7DA

My Mom told me

If she knew someone was waiting for her

That'd put an incredible amount of pressure on her shoulders

And maybe it'll all be even more meaningful

To Separate and be Reunited by Fate.

To See If it All withstands the Test of Time

But to keep My Words

To Never Give Up or Throw Away the Dreams I Have of Us Together
 It Locks Away so Much of Me
So few True Words I can Give

I'm Me.

I Have All of My Self in the Present to Offer

I'm Also All of Them

So that Needs to Be Respected.

I'm not interested in Hiding My Love away

I'm not interested in a Shallow Relationship

I'm not interested in Lying.

I'm interested in Carrying My Weight

I'm interested in Meaning and Connection

I'm interested in Loving and Learning and Growing and Caring and Building

So the only person I'm going to be able to be with

Has to be Okay with All This

That Mystical Woman...

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE

I Wonder if She Even Exists

I DON'T DESERVE TO BE ALONE

I can't make Promises I can't Keep

I can't Pretend that My Heart is in Near Mint condition with no previous owners

I can't lie and say I wasn't Just in the Trash

I can't Deny Real Emotions I Feel.

I can't hide that I'm Broken

I Have No Sweet Nothings to Give

But what I Do have to Give is Substantial Enough

You Have Nothing Real any Longer

What I Do have to Give is Meaningful

Our Gifts Will be Wasted and then We Will be Nothing

The Words I Speak Will have Truth to them

We're already only a Ghost
And No One Cares.

And it is in Truth that there is Meaning

NO ONE WANTS YOUR TRUTHS YOUR GIFTS OR YOUR MEANING

WE'RE GOING TO BE ALONE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIQcbzzEMrc

I Love the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

I had planned to attend and head back out on The Road after it since before even returning home

Just as I had last year.

It's hard to describe how depression can zap you of energy and fill your consciousness with doubt, apathy, and self-loathing

So it really Just sounds pathetic to me that it took me three hours to get out of bed because I'm Just so Fucking Sad.

I eventually staggered downstairs.

I was going to ride Northway downtown even though my Dad offered to let me borrow his car.

I packed my backpack, was all suited up, and Just as I was about to hop on my bike the back tire literally exploded

"WHAT WAS THAT!?!?"

"It's okay Dad, it's okay... It was Just my tire. Uhm... Can I take your car after all?"

Figured it was a sign.

My Dad owed me ten dollars he had asked for the other day

He handed me the keys and a twenty and told me to have a good time.

It was too late though

I missed the parade

I walked around downtown and messaged my friends as I looked for wifi spots but to no avail

They had already returned home and passed out from drunkenness (lol)

Wish I had been there.

It was a wet day

I saw a wet man walking

"Pardon me sir, do you Need anything?"

"Yeah I Need some food."

"Sure. We can go wherever you want to go."

"Can we go to Panera?"

"Yeah, sure. Let's go."

"I Need some money too. For later."

"I can't Give You any money. Just Food."

We walked to the Panera a block away. His name was Anthony. We didn't really have the time to talk too much, and any smile one may see on my face these days is mostly feigned. We went inside and he ordered some food. "Get what You Need for later too, Sir."

The total came to $23.64

I pulled out the twenty my father had given me. I had three and change as well, leftover from the ride to Salem.

"I only have $23.35. Is that okay?"

"Yeah that's fine."

"Thanks," as I hand All my Money to the cashier. I then look to Mr. Anthony,

"Looks like I don't have any money for you for later anyways,"

I put my hand on his shoulder, "God Bless, Brother."

And continued on my way.

I had really wanted to get something to eat at one of my favorite places, but without any friends to eat with it'd of been meaningless and sad, so whatever.

Actually, I hadn't eaten anything at all yet that day. Also, whatever.

I pass a man at a bus stop taking off his shoes.

I Just so happened to have taken two extra pairs of dry socks with me.

'Cause I Know

"Pardon me Sir, Do You Need a pair of Dry Socks?"

He looks up at me holding the pair of socks towards him, seemingly a little astonished

As he accepts the socks, "What I Need is some money."

I point to the socks, now in his hand, "That's what You Need. You don't Need money."

And continued on my way.

As I walk I find a perfectly good orange in the snow, along with an Orange thumb-tack.

The Orange thumb-tack gives me a big smile. Probably the first real one all day. I get a weird look from a Yale student walking past as I do a little dance of glee over my thumb-tack.
"An Orange Thumb-tack was Just what I Needed!"

Another block I see a couple walking together. I can tell they're on the streets 'cause of the plastic bag around their backpacks.
I hail the man, "Pardon me Brother. May I offer you this?"
And I hand him the Orange.

"Hey, thanks. Sure!"

"Do You Need any Dry Socks?"

"Oh yeah! Baby, come take these socks."

As she accepts the socks, I think about how these two are exactly where I want to be.

Actually that's the thought I've had for the past several years (not including one magical winter-summer) whenever I see a couple on The Streets or The Road together.

I turn away before I begin to feel any Envy.

The Brother says, "Hey, you got a dollar?"

I'm always at least a little annoyed when someone asks for money right after I've given them actual gifts.

"Sorry, already gave it away. God Bless you two."

And continued on my way.

I get to a bookstore and read a comic book for an hour or so 'til my friend informs me he is in fact back at his home. The comic is about a bad-ass gal that avenges her mother by assassinating her murderer. In so doing, however, she has an ancient hungry demon god implanted/awoken into her left arm. This brings her much agony, but the demon is obviously super powerful, so it's fortune she has the demon, as when the powerful friends of her mother's murderer come to kill her, the demon is the only reason she survives.

The demon Just wants to sleep and dream.

If it's awake it's in pain and hungry and just wants to eat.

There were a bunch of cool characters in the comic, but it was the demon that I resonated with.

I finished reading the comic then headed back to my Father's Car to head to see my friends, reflecting on the specific type of strength of not eating when one is hungry, or giving up/away something you want because someone else needs it more.

It's like every bite of food we eat is Weakness.

Yet we build our Strength by eating.

I'm hating my self more and more and I don't even know why.

No, it's not my Self.

It's this weak human part of myself that has this Need to Eat.

What's the point of all this consumption?

Everyone has this Demon in them

To Want and Consume.

Even if it's Wrong to do so.

But the Demon is actually very Weak.

Its Strength is its Ability to take Action to Feed itself.

But the Action is made out of Weakness.
An inability to restrain oneself.
Giving in to the Want to Feed a Hunger.
An Addiction.

To Quiet Our Mind.

Meditation

To Distract Our Thoughts.

Prayer

To Ease Our Pain.

Choosing this hollow feeding over Love is Sin.

Sins that Hurt others require repentance.

But that Pain is how We Grow Strong

Not All Survive that Pain

That Pain can Kill

Love can Kill

I drove through my old campus, Southern Connecticut State University.

Lots of memories started coming back to me in little pockets of flashbacks.

When I saw Engleman Hall I remembered how good it felt Just running to class.

I started crying in the car, as I remembered that feeling.

Then My Heart went numb again.

And all I could think about was eating Peanut Butter when I got back home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjI0zj0eqso

My friends had drank too much and neither phone calls nor snowballs thrown at their window would wake them. I chatted with my son Leo at the window for a couple minutes.

"Leo Leoooooo"

"Meow!"

"Leoooooooooooo"

"Meow! Meow!"

Then left the gifts I had brought on my friend's car and headed back home.

Pretty sad I didn't get the chance to see Her.

I took some side roads to get back. I much prefer the farm roads to the main routes, even if it takes a bit longer. Along one of these dark roads I saw a man staggering along.

"Hey Brother, You Need any help?"

"Oh, yeah. I've been walking for miles. I Need to get to New Haven."

"Happy to be of Service Sir. Hop on in."

His name was Rey. He had had a fight with his girlfriend and was rather upset.

I told him a bit of my story and shared some of my philosophy on Love and Forgiveness.

As he was exiting the car at his destination, "I'm sure I have some money I can Give You..."

"You Save Your money. You don't owe me anything."

I notice the beer in his pocket,

"How about this. You take that money and Just promise me that instead of buying poison with it, you'll treat your lady to something nice. How's about that?"

"Okay. Okay, yessir. Thank You."

As he closed the passenger side door, I spoke,
"Unconditional Love. That's the Goal."

And continued on my way.

The Rey Detour had moved my way over a bit and now I was passing an Aldi

Figured I'd get some food

And rescued some fruit and bread to give to folk downtown, and some lettuce for salads for me.

Is the lettuce a gift meant for me?

No, I don't Need that lettuce

That lettuce is my Sin

I load the rescued food into the car

And continued on my way.

As I drive home I contemplate endlessly the Good and Bad Right and Wrong Holy and Evil of rescuing this Food and delivering it to those who appear to me to be in Need. The action literally being something I can do to help people. How could this be Wrong?

Is there negative energy in the food or something?

Rescuing it should dispel that. Positive Action.

I clean the food, Show it Care, might even say a prayer. That aughta remove anything else.

Maybe my Time could be better spent doing many of the other things I aughta be doing

Or maybe I could Just be crying in bed for hours struggling to find My Will to go on...

A nice Salad will get me out of bed

Or a banana with some Peanut Butter

Or any food, actually.

I'm so Weak.

The comic ended with the gal taking back control over her body.

She couldn't overpower the demon but was able to make a deal with it as she knew something it didn't that it Needed.

Its Name.

When I got back home I was exhausted. Not physically, Just emotionally.

I went straight to my room to pass out, but just before I crashed into bed, I remembered the Orange thumb-tack in my Phoenix Coat pocket.

Excited, a most welcome emotion, I stepped up to my bulletin board-map.

The beige thumb-tacks mark my bicycle Journey

The last one is in Lukachukai

I made it down to Phoenix but that was on foot, so it doesn't get a beige thumb-tack.

An Orange Thumb-tack was Just what I Needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLAMg6o5w2s

My Mother keeps talking to Me about Acceptance.

Obviously I have to Accept the Reality in front of Me

Otherwise I'd Just be Delusional

But My Reality is totally unacceptable to me.

Yes Yes Life is Good I Have Everything I Need

Put I'm Despairing and Yearning
Pained at My Losses

The Losses of such Perfect and Profoundly Pure Dreams

Healing in My Parent's Home. My Room. My Bed.
It's so tempting to try to Find some Easy Way Out.

Just Give Up on Everything and Eat Peanut Butter 'til I choke on it.

But that's not what My Soul Needs.

My Soul Needs to Experience Love

My Soul Needs to Live My Dreams

My Soul Needs to Create and Maintain some kind of Beauty in This World

And I Need to Protect that Beauty

I Need to Keep Striving for that.

Our Bodies Need to Eat.

Our Souls Need to Love.

Our Souls Can Eat

But... Do They Ever Need to?

Our Soul Needs to Eat

That Hurts People

You Need to Heal

That'll only Hurt Me!

It's What You NEED

I Need to make the Right Choices!

For My Self and The World

I Need to Take Care of My Self

Body Mind and Soul

I don't Need to Use someone

YOU NEED TO HURT SOMEONE

I NEED TO PUSH FORWARD

YOU KNOW YOU JUST WON'T ACCEPT IT

I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE!

YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHING

Secondly, Her Reality

And by that I mean my perception of it

Which I know is heavily influenced by Jealousy and Desire and Fear

Can't I Help Her Move Forward too?

Can't I Help Her Live Her Dreams too?
Can't I Protect Her?

 I Need to Heal Her!
I Need to Show Her the World!

I Need to Save Her from the Killer Ants!

My Mind Needs Peace

Buddhist philosophy says Desire (Want) is the 'cause of all Suffering

And that may be

But some things are worth Suffering for.

Want is not always Wrong or Bad or Evil.

Some Wants are Okay to Have.

Some Wants are Good.

Some Wants help You Live.

Some Wants might Just help You get outta Bed.

What Do I Want?
I Want Mastery over my Lower Self.

You Want All the God Damn Forsaken SEX You can GET

I Want my Physical Love to Be Beautiful

You Want a short, slim, redhead, younger than you...

I Want the Strength to not succumb to my Weakness.

You Want The Good Life Just like Everyone Else
You Just Seek Suffering and Have to Try Harder because You Know
YOU DON'T DESERVE IT

I Want to keep Building myself keep growing and Care about that.

You Want to Die, remember?

I Want to Care about Me. My Self. My Story!

...And I Want to help You.

I mean, Her.

So That's Why...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVlC4gBMnuk

I've Sold myself before.

I don't Need to write about it here You know

I mean, She Knows.

That's how I know how sad it is

How it Hurts

But I learned from that and it helped me know what was Right and what was Wrong

So I don't feel sorry for myself

But I Do feel sorry for those that get stuck there.

For those that the World and its Systems and Illusions Trick

For those that can't beat their addictions or see how to Live a Better Life

That's Why...

You have to Want to.

To beat my addictions

I Desired Life

Real Life

Real Experiences Real Adventures Real Love

It was that Desire that gave me the Resolution, the Determination, the Courage

To Choose to Give Up temporary pleasures

For a long uncomfortable process.

I'd have to face myself

I'd have to stop going easy on myself

I'd have to stop being so weak

Just like I Do now.

That's Why...

I've been watching my Father Kill himself

Slowly, for years, to one substance after the other

Up and Down Hope and Disappointment

I'm honestly amazed he's still standing

But when it all finally catches up to him no one will be surprised

So we've Just been living with that hovering over our heads over here.

Still routing for him

So Thankful to Him

For I can see it pretty clearly through him

The way our Weaknesses change us

Lies we'll tell

Things we'll Steal

People we'll Hurt

To get what We Want

Watching My Love Lose to Drugs was incredibly painful

I suppose it happened a second time with Her

Then it happened again, but that was much much worse...

And now Everything is like this and I must watch it take My Father

The Weakness

This Culture tricks us into thinking Poison is Good

We Know it Feels Good

We Know it's Not Good

Who Cares?

Our Apathy for Our Selves is Our own Undoing

This is What I Am

A downward Spiral to Destruction

I WANT TO GO DOWN THERE

You convince yourself it's okay

I WANT TO FEEL GOOD

I Want Her to be Okay

I WANT HER

I Love Her

IT HURTS

I Care

I NEED

I Know.

That's Why...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1MruTpc1oE

All I have to do is wait

I'm so fucking angry

I don't Need anyone

I Need Someone

I Need to Live My Life

I Need to Take Hold of Something

I Need to Accept Love that is offered to me

If I'm Given a Chance to Love I Need to Pursue that

I don't Want another Love Story that'll Just KILL Me

I DON'T WANT TO WASTE THIS

I Won't Hurt anyone I don't Want to Use anyone

We're All Just Using each other

NO WE'RE NOT THAT'S NOT LOVE

LOVE IS LUST

LOVE IS RELATIONSHIP

LOVE IS PAIN

LOVE IS CARE

IF YOU WANT LOVE YOU HAVE TO WIN IT

If You Want Love You Have to Earn it

You have to Wait for it

If I Want Love...

This Agony is fucking Beautiful

God Damn it I can't BREATHE

I Hate how The Pain gives it all meaning

It's such an easy Bridge to cross in our Mind now

I Hate how it's only Real because of that

I Hate this Voice in My Head

I don't Want to be alone

Just Leave Me Alone.

I'm a Monster.

I Hate You.

So Tired of this cycle

Hunger Feed Hunger Feed

That's Life

I'm sick of it

But You Enjoy it

Why does Life have to End other Life to Stay Alive?

Spoken like a True Sheltered Child

Why Do We Have to Kill?

Meat in Your Mouth is a certain Type of Love

Why Do We Have to Hurt?

The Pain is Real

That was the Gift They Gave Me this Christmas

Pain.

I don't Want to Waste it

They threw You Away

I Want to Cherish it

They Don't Care

Am I going to throw away their Gift Just so I can EAT?

Needing Energy to maintain our Body is One Thing

But Using People to Satisfy ourselves as if they're Food is another

But that by itself isn't what I can't Accept

Hook-ups aren't evil—so long as you're being honest, kind, and caring—but they are consumptional in nature.

It's LOVE being that way.

The Way We LOVE

How We Carry it

Protect it

Give it

If LOVE is Just Food

Just Energy We Need to Stay Alive

Just Processed in and Excreted Out

Nothing More

That is what Kills Me

So how can I Accept that LOVE that I hold to be Real and True

Can Just be Eaten

Reduced to the cycle of Hunger Feed Hunger Feed

Turned to SHIT

YOU SHIT TOO

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD

I'M HUNGRY

THINK OF WHAT THAT MEANS

I'M SO FUCKING HUNGRY

TOO BAD YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE YOU HAVE TO PROTECT WHAT YOU LOVE

I ALREADY FAILED I'M ALREADY SHIT IT'S ALL A FUCKING DELUSION

I Want to Die.

NO.

YOU DON'T.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNvZEvP0HF4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RCT7nB1alA

...That's Why

I decided

I'm Going to LIVE

As a Man and as Myself

I DECIDE WHO I AM

I DECIDE WHAT THAT MEANS

SO NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS

MY HAND STAYS RIGHT WHERE IT IS

SO YOU CAN TAKE IT WHEN YOU WANT IT

YOU CAN CALL UPON IT WHEN YOU NEED TO

And there's a LOT More things I Want to Say, to Everyone

But those things will have to Wait for when You Want Me or Need Me

IT HURTS SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN CARRY IT 

Jesus can help us Move this Mountain

LOOK AT THE WORLD PEOPLE ARE DYING EVERYWHERE

The Lord will Guide Us

INTO THE PIT OF PAIN YOU'RE IN RIGHT NOW

To Freedom

Empty Sad and Alone

To Our Selves.

Damaged Insane Dying

To The Orange thumb-tack

...

How are we Going to make it?

We'll Make it

How is it going to be enough?

It Will Be Enough.

...I'm gonna Need a Lot of Peanut Butter.

...Yeah.

Me Too.