Why would I Want to Offer You any other kind?
'Cause I can only censor my Negativity so much
Excerpts from My Journal
I Can Fly.
Last One III
The Less We Want
The More Free We Are
What then Do We Each Do with that Freedom?
This is Journal #10
I have so much to be thankful for
In this Journal
In addition to detailing my current Love Life Intricacies and Issues...
In addition to detailing my current Love Life Intricacies and Issues...
My Mom and Dad used to run a food truck!
Here was their menu from back in the day!
Here was their menu from back in the day!
...I particularly Wanted to focus on My Struggles with my Sexuality (and the Human Condition in general) that have carried over into my adulthood from my adolescence
New Haven is actually known for its Pizza
And it really is the best pizza I've ever had
And it really is the best pizza I've ever had
Thin-crust style
The secret is a Brick-oven
Which can handle temperatures much higher than those metal ones
This allows for the crust to cook quickly crispy and perfect in time with the toppings and cheese melting
Do take a moment to Notice my use of Colors
The Colors themselves hold meaning
(The Pens each have a Name).
I'll also overlap colors for synchronistic ideas
"they can't Be replaced."
"(No one) can be replaced."
I did some cooking with dough too!
I made dumplings!
Friend and Baked
Cheesy Vegetable Medley Filling and Indian Avocado Curry Filling
With My French Onion Soup as a Dip!
Lemme Just tell ya...
Wow.
I made dumplings!
Friend and Baked
Cheesy Vegetable Medley Filling and Indian Avocado Curry Filling
With My French Onion Soup as a Dip!
Lemme Just tell ya...
Wow.
I Love Granola so much
So I started experimenting with baking my own!
The first one I made was a little burnt
The second one I made was a little too chewy
But now I think I'm getting the hang of it
I'm not trying to Judge anyone
But I've Never Once received any Joy from anything having to do with American Drinking Culture and have nothing but Disdain for the entire Life-Ruining Body of it
This is... Koogle!
Old family recipe.
My blog is secret enough so I'll share it here
(Later. Must double check with mom)
(Later. Must double check with mom)
I guess there's something wrong with me
But I think I manage it Well
That's My Responsibility—Right?
If I can walk my dog it's a good day.
I Love Just coming upon random installments of Art
Or maybe there isn't anything wrong with me
Maybe I figured it all out
And Just got really really unlucky
Or Just didn't figure it out in Time...
I don't plan to be around this Spring/Summer...
But Next Year I'll get some Veggies and Herbs Growing!
So might as well put what I learned out West to use and implement a compost system and get those nutrients in the ground!
My Mom wants Tomatoes and Basil!
(Thanks Mataji Kim!!)
(Thanks Mataji Kim!!)
Our Stone Wall collapsed Years ago
But thanks to all my Masonry level ups in my travels
(Especially thanks to Joseph!)
I can totally fix it now!
...Or maybe it's Fate?
I don't know what would Hurt more
because I don't know what it would mean if it were.
When Acceptance is the same thing as Giving Up
My Mind is so entrenched in Fighting thatIs Everything actually Fine and I Just missed the Boat?
Or Is it All My Fault?
Or is this one of Life's Unsolvable Mysteries
How to Forgive
Yet Remain Uncorrupted
Ideas too Complex and Maddening for Mortal Minds to Comprehend
What to Do with Pain
How to Heal
Can You Believe some folk throw away stale Bread?
Bread Pudding is easy and one of the most delicious dishes ever
Bread Pudding is easy and one of the most delicious dishes ever
Once you have some stale Bread, cut it into cubes
Getcha some Milk and Eggs and Butter
Some sweetener of your choice—here I mixed together apple sauce, maple syrup, and some brown sugar
And
whatever flavor combination you fancy!—here I was going for a robust
cinnamon raisin. Fresh ground nutmeg, ginger, and allspice provide depth
and some added health
Line a baking pan with butter or coconut oil and neatly arrange the bread cubes within
Carefully insert some raisins in between the bread pieces too
Then melt the butter in a pot over low heat
Add in milk and your sweeteners, then spices and whatever chunks of stuff ya got (in this case, raisins)
Stir it all together, then pour over the bread cubes!
Let
that sit in the fridge for a while, even overnight if you want, so the
bread can soak up as much of the pudding mixture as possible
Put in the oven at maybe about 350 degrees until the top starts to brown and get a little crispy
And ta~da!
Delicious homemade Bread Pudding (:
This one was for Mom!
Matza Balls MeatLess Balls
Yellow split peas kale corn mushrooms carrots onions garlic
Yellow split peas kale corn mushrooms carrots onions garlic
Assortment of spices
Making a good soup is all about timing and amount
I cooked this healthy dish to take with me
(Though of course I left some in the fridge for the fam!)
And this shouldn't be too hard for anyone else to Understand
It is through Experience that we come to Understand
I Am Trying to Understand Love
I Am Trying to make Everything Right
And Be an Example of that for Others
But when I'm left Alone in The Dark with only my memories replaying
Reminding me of the moments and emotions that I Just can't
Could Never
Let Go of...
"Many centuries ago, in the distant mists of ancient time, a disaster shook the Earth. The skies were charred with fiery blasts, and poisonous rivers flowed throughout the continents. Human beings, who once gazed upon glorious skies and breathed pure air, were forced to find a way to survive. They found that way under their feet... under the ground.
Sheldar became the capital city of the underground world. In their subterranean existence, the era of machines passed them by. Perhaps the people even forgot what the sky looked like...."
If I knew what I was supposed to do I'd Just Do it
Stuck in the space of Not Knowing
Filled with Doubt
Filled with Worry and Fear
Beneath the Surface of Hope
Regret Pain and Self-Hate
I Want to Help You
I Need Help from You too
It's like I can't stop Caring and You Just don't
I'm Right Here
We can come together and we can be Great
I CAN HELP YOU
It All makes sense to me
It's the only thing that makes sense to me
You're so Important to me
I'll Never forget what We Experienced Together
I'm going to Love You for the Rest of My Life
The message You sent doesn't make any sense to me
It's not You it's a fucking little plastic box
Can't You see what We Have here what You have
HOW CAN YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS???
I'VE JUST BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY IN THIS DARKNESS FOR YOU
BELIEVING IN YOUR WORDS THAT YOU DIDN'T KEEP
BELIEVING IN YOUR WORDS THAT YOU DIDN'T KEEP
HOW COULD YOU IGNORE ME AND DISREGARD ME SO CALLOUSLY CAN'T YOU SEE I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND
WE SAID WE WERE BEST FRIENDS DID YOU THINK I WAS FUCKING LYING TO YOU?
MY FEELINGS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE AND A FUCKING FACEBOOK MESSAGE YOU PUT TWO MINUTES INTO ISN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING
I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN I'M JUST CRYING EVERY DAY
HELP ME
PLEASE
MY FEELINGS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE AND A FUCKING FACEBOOK MESSAGE YOU PUT TWO MINUTES INTO ISN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING
I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN I'M JUST CRYING EVERY DAY
HELP ME
PLEASE
I Want to Wait for You
I Want You to Give Me another Chance
I Want You in My Life
I Need You to be Okay
I Need to Know You're Okay
I Need You
I Wish We could Talk
I Wish You'd Take the Time to See Me
I Wish I could See You
I'd Do Anything for You.
I'd Die for You this instant.
I'd Go Any Distance to Reach You.
I Care for You
I Forgive You
I Love You
So let's Just fix this, okay?
The only expectations I have are some basic Care and Respect
Talk to Me
See Me...
Art by x.lan https://www.facebook.com/xlan.illustration/
One of my favorite video games of all time is a pretty obscure JRPG called Breathe of Fire: Dragon Quarter
The game tells the story of a future where the surface of the Earth has been too polluted so mankind had to retreat far underground. Centuries have passed however, and mankind is buried so deep underground, no one knows what the surface looks like anymore, only that it is Sealed. This dystopian civilization constructed laws to prevent people from returning to the poisoned surface. The main character is at first an enforcer of these laws, but then he meets a girl that cannot survive in the now polluted underground air. Her only hope of survival is if the air on the surface is now clean. So in order to save Her, he and a friend join together to fight against the corrupt oppressive government, break through the many levels of Traps and Monsters and other such Peril, and reach the surface and at last Be Free.
Bella Terra 2014
That Music Festival changed my Life
I had no idea such a place existed
For months I had spent Just working working working
Watching my engagement slowly unravel
As She explored the Club Scene and fell into the Drugs therein
Maybe once a week I'd get out to some Bar
And Just sit in the corner feeling totally out of place
I
eventually found music shows, which were much better, as I didn't feel
out of place and could at least enjoy the music as I sat in the corner
feeling anxious and awkward.
But I was there because I was trying to grow
I was trying to figure myself out
I was trying to be a more outgoing, affable, well-rounded individual!
Check out the Courtney Barnett Story, here:
So
when I went to this festival and found not only a place that I felt
like I fit in but a place filled with welcoming friendly cool people
(And Yes. Cool Female Peers).
My Whole World changed
A place I'd been searching for all my life
A place I felt I belonged at
Where I could Be Happy and At Peace
Where I could Be Happy and At Peace
I Miss this scene, y'know...
I met You the same day as her.
Her and I shared a Profound Spiritual Experience that I call, "The Moment" which
Truly Opened My Mind to the possibility of something Above and began Me
on My Spiritual Journey
That means Something—Doesn't It?
So
it wasn't weird when a week later, after my fiancée and I had split, I
messaged her expressing a Desire to get together and talk about what
we'd experienced
Turns out she lived in the Boston area—Salem
I had actually already been considering riding my bicycle to Boston
The ride to Montreal was so Awesome I wanted to experience one more Adventure like it before the school year began
I was learning to fly then, y'see.
Plus I thought I could get to Boston in Just two days—so I wanted to see if I could
Two 80 mile days
Maybe if I had some help...
And it Just so happened
You were going to school at UConn
Which Just so happened to be exactly half way between my home and Boston
Which was good because without Boston as a reason there was absolutely no way I had the nerve to ask You for Your time at all
So one night I got smoked up and I wrote You a 5-paragraph essay as to why You should help me get to Boston when I rode through
And to my Complete Astonishment
You Agreed.
The Universe is routing for Me
Though I've learned
Nothing is Guaranteed
But then again I wouldn't Want it to be
I Don't Want the Easy Way Out
I'm not looking for that and when it comes I don't Accept it
I Want to Endeavor
I Want The Struggle
THIS IS MY FIGHT
SEE WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME
The Northway has one more Ride to Make
I know it's My Thing
Riding Bike
But that doesn't mean it's Easy
Riding Bike
But that doesn't mean it's Easy
The Start of the Water The End of the Ice
The Start of the Ice The End of the Water
It made so much sense
Felt so Right
Riding through Middletown again
Crossing this Bridge again
But this Time for You
It's always felt Right for You
It's always felt Right for You
Though now I feel like I'm Fighting against Fate
Or maybe it's Redemption
Or maybe it Just is What it is
Me Trying Desperately
Absolutely Everything I Possibly can Do
Any and Every Expression
All of the Self that I can Still Offer
Prairies Mountains Deserts Hills
To Get Back Someone I Love that I Lost
It was Damn Cold
The first time I rode this ride to You was at the end of the summer
I'm a better Rider now
My Limits now on a Completely Different Level
My Limits now on a Completely Different Level
Though my knees ache
And it's Damn Cold
You'll See Me
I Know You'll See Me
After All This
How could You Not See Me?
Connecticut is very Hilly
Which builds the perfect amount of body heat
Get your layers Just right and one can get into a nice flow of Climbing and Cooling on the downhills
Though you can only take a break if you have an indoor space
As otherwise your sweat gets real cold and you can't air yourself out so you get real cold real fast
But as long as you can keep pushing—you're alright
Emotions were the usual Roller Coaster between Hope and Misery
But I'm used to that
Which builds the perfect amount of body heat
Get your layers Just right and one can get into a nice flow of Climbing and Cooling on the downhills
Though you can only take a break if you have an indoor space
As otherwise your sweat gets real cold and you can't air yourself out so you get real cold real fast
But as long as you can keep pushing—you're alright
Emotions were the usual Roller Coaster between Hope and Misery
But I'm used to that
So my only concern on the ride was my knees
All the miles this whole past year really hit me
Whenever I felt down
"You're almost there"
And I really was!
Just a couple more days of Riding and I Will have Made It!
Whenever I felt down
"You're almost there"
And I really was!
Just a couple more days of Riding and I Will have Made It!
I'M ALMOST THERE
My Base Intentions—My Center—are actually the same with Everyone
Good Terms
Open Communication
But each individual is Unique each relationship in a different place
lol we Just bickered online the other day
I'm glad we're talking again
Don't know if I'll ever even See Her again but I've Accepted that
Hope She's Well—I should send Her a message soon to check up
Can't wait to See Her in Oregon
Just waiting on those Heavenly Bodies...
Good Terms
Open Communication
But each individual is Unique each relationship in a different place
lol we Just bickered online the other day
I'm glad we're talking again
Don't know if I'll ever even See Her again but I've Accepted that
Hope She's Well—I should send Her a message soon to check up
Can't wait to See Her in Oregon
Just waiting on those Heavenly Bodies...
And like I expressed
I made a decision after I delivered to You that Poem
That I would make it back to You
I made a decision after I delivered to You that Poem
That I would make it back to You
I remembered a few of the turns
And several of the hills
This ride to Boston years ago
Was one of the most exhilarating empowering experiences of My Life
And several of the hills
This ride to Boston years ago
Was one of the most exhilarating empowering experiences of My Life
I had Just split with Her after 8 years
I felt SO FREE
So ALIVE
So AMAZINGSo ALIVE
No Matter What Happens
I Will always always Cherish That
I Will always always Cherish That
And This.
Honestly people must think I'm Insane
Riding a bicycle through Frigid Cold
In the middle of the Night
Through The Dark—No Front Light at all
No Helmet
Laughing at the Top of My Lungs from the Depths of My Heart
I'm Riding to You!
I'm on my way to See Her!!
Life is Grand and I'm ALIVE!!!
What's going to happen when I get up there?
I don't know but it's Life and I'm Living it
Can't You Understand that at least?
Can't You Understand that at least?
We All Need to Be Strong
This is the Strength that hath been Granted unto Me
NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT
HEAR ME GOD DAMN IT
Always the Goal
But gotta Be Ready to Fight
I Swear
If there's anyone that has Hurt You
ALL I WANT TO BE
Is The Man that Does Not Allow that to Pass
The main character, as well as his rival whom is dead-set on stopping him from reaching the surface no matter the cost, happened to be born with a unique ability to tap into the power of a Dragon God (one learns more about this in the game). However, if that power is fully accessed, the Dragon God takes over their body and Soul, killing them. There are hordes of enemies in the trio's way, and in any given battle, the player has the option to access the power of the Dragon, which makes quick work of any enemy. The Death by Dragon occurs when a percentage, called D-Counter, reaches 100%. After the main character is linked with the Dragon Power—which happens as the trio begin their Ascent towards the Surface—the percentage starts at 0%. The D-Counter is slowly but steadily rising all the time, but every time the player calls on the Power of the Dragon, the percentage rises quickly, or even jumps up if one of the terribly powerful Dragon Abilities is used. If the D-Counter reaches 100%, it's Game Over. You have to start over, from the beginning.
About 60 miles from my Home
I made it to UConn
I Love this Place
Thanks to You
I remember arriving here as Dusk settled in years ago
I remember texting You and waiting outside this building
I remember You approaching and me thinking,
"Woah. She actually came. She's actually here...
Woah."
I held those intentions from the very beginning
But I didn't realize
Just how Deeply the Roots from these Seeds Would Grow
Just how Madly My Desire to Water them would Drive Me
Just how I would Grow and Become along My Path
Nor Where it would Take Me...
But I didn't realize
Just how Deeply the Roots from these Seeds Would Grow
Just how Madly My Desire to Water them would Drive Me
Just how I would Grow and Become along My Path
Nor Where it would Take Me...
I had no idea why You agreed to help me and see me then
I was weird I was ugly my Heart was all fucked up
You were—are—Perfect and Beautiful and so so so fucking Special
I remember You feeding me here
On My way to Boston...
I Cherish all of the memories we made here
I return to them more often than You know
Every Time I have an Apple or a Banana with Peanut Butter
I actually didn't even like Peanut Butter until we started hanging out and sharing that
Now Peanut Butter is kind of My Thing
And that's Thanks to You too
And that's Thanks to You too
I know it was always Sunflower Seed Butter we'd have
But Peanut Butter is the more affordable version and reminds me of those times in your room Just the same
So I'll go back there
Every time I have an Apple or Banana with any kind of Nut Butter
I ended up staying another day and another night
We Just had so much fun
I didn't want to leave
I doubt I ever would have
But I was on my way to Boston
So I had to go
After that though we started hanging out.
You wouldn't message me back right away
For more than a week sometimes and it drove me crazy
But every time Just as I lost Hope that You'd ever talk to me again
You'd suddenly Want to See me
And I'd be so happy
Nothing—No one made me happier
And I'd Drive up to See You
Never having any idea what a Perfect Girl like You saw in such an awkward gentleman that was myself
But as I began training in Martial Arts and Rising Up
I remember, to avoid the parking garage fee, I parked 3 miles outside of campus and ran that through the cold.
And when I got to You...
God Damn it I can't stop crying
OH!
If I could but return to these times Here
If We could but Live them Again
ALL My Longing would be Relieved
ALL My Pain would be Soothed
I would Give You such Sweet Gifts
And Every Moment in Your Light would be Cherished
If I could but return to these times Here
If We could but Live them Again
ALL My Longing would be Relieved
ALL My Pain would be Soothed
I would Give You such Sweet Gifts
And Every Moment in Your Light would be Cherished
Even if it's not Active
If it's at least Positive
I can go on
That's the way it was for a while
I Accepted Your "Just Friends" Declaration
Even though clearly we weren't and I had no idea what You meant
I had Accepted the extent to which You Wanted Me in Your Life
Always Wanting More
More Time
More Touch
Of Course it was Never Enough
It Never Ever Will Be
But I Accepted it and Just Loved and Cherished every time We would get together
Every Moment a Gift
I Needed so much More then
I described last post...
I wasn't Strong enough then to Wait
I Needed Someone
I Still Do
GOD This HURTS
It's IN My HEART
Is There ANY END IN SIGHT
YOU
I'M ALMOST THERE
I Accepted Your "Just Friends" Declaration
Even though clearly we weren't and I had no idea what You meant
I had Accepted the extent to which You Wanted Me in Your Life
Always Wanting More
More Time
More Touch
Of Course it was Never Enough
It Never Ever Will Be
But I Accepted it and Just Loved and Cherished every time We would get together
Every Moment a Gift
I Needed so much More then
I described last post...
I wasn't Strong enough then to Wait
I Needed Someone
I Still Do
GOD This HURTS
It's IN My HEART
Is There ANY END IN SIGHT
YOU
I'M ALMOST THERE
It's Confusion that Trips Me
If I can See the Goal
If I can Grasp what I Need to Do
Nothing Will Stop Me.
I don't Let anything Stop Me from Doing something I decided to Do
Not Anymore
I Believe in You
I Believe in Earning
I Want to Deserve what I Receive in This World
Just before riding up here that first time I read an article about how much greater a hug is if it's 15 seconds instead of like 3
When I was leaving to continue to Boston
I suddenly remembered that article
I suddenly remembered that article
So I gave it a try
And found myself suddenly falling Heart-first into a Moment
A Real
Actual
Moment
Long Embrace—I Let Go
To Know the Beyond
To Know the Beyond
Yet Every Valley and Flower Beholden
'Tis YOU I Am Fond!
I Pray for Your Health, Happiness, and Safety, Every Day.
I Hope People Evolve and This Crazy World gets a little less Crazy and a lot more Compassionate
I Dream of Travel. Of Freedom. Of the Climb and of The Peak. I Dream of Love.
And I Dream of All of These Things With You.
If I knew then my entire reality would be different and I'd be in a completely different place
But that Knowledge was not something which was Given to Me
Despite Constant Prayer
And in that space of not knowing
There is a constant ebb and flow
Much like The Tides
of those Prayers and Hopes and Dreams coming in
And Fear and Anxieties and Nightmares passing through
Most fears I can recognize as just me being paranoid.
No one wants a loved one being the victim of a serial killer for example.
Sometimes it's just Songs putting ideas into my head.
I can't help it if I hear You singing to Me
Though there's meaning to that
You being the One I Hear.
Though there's meaning to that
You being the One I Hear.
But then there's the deeper stuff.
Like, what are You thinking?
What is weighing You down right now?
Can't I help?
Isn't that my purpose??
Or, once again, am I just delusional.
I have no actual idea what You're going through and couldn't help anyways.
I guess the question is,
Do I Know You?
Or did You trick me and steal my Heart and now You've got it locked up and it's quite the gaff.
And even if the latter is true...
Can We Love anyways?
That's the Battle here.
My Love vs. Your Fear.
Northern Connecticut is Beautiful and at least feels Rural
There's homes everywhere
There's definitely No Wilderness
But the towns are Quaint and the folk Good if not rather Private
UConn is like a bustling little City in the middle of the Woods
I was actually always Jealous of their campus
I'm so glad I got to spend some time there and make Memories there
I Just Wish You Understood how much it All Still means to Me
I Can't See You.
I have No way to know the Truth
No way to know if I'm needed
No way to save you
If You died I'd find out through Facebook.
How fucking sad is that
You'r the Woman I Love
I Love You I Want to Share My Life With You
And if You were Hurt I wouldn't find out for a while until I happened to see some off-hand post mentioning it on social fucking media
Well actually, that's not True I guess.
If You were Hurt I'd Know
I'd Know.
To Give to You I have to throw myself on to the cold streets.
Why are You avoiding me?
What are You afraid of?
Everything would be different if You didn't cut me off
My only way to communicate to You
Aside from this blog here You made the mistake of not keeping up with
Was through clever cryptic facebook posts
Just about Every Single Post I ever made in the last few years was actually a message to You or Her or Her
Okay sometimes I Just posted a meme 'cause it was funny
But seriously go back and look
I've been talking to You THE ENTIRE TIME
One thing that bothers me
That I am very very tired of
Is how I find myself constantly defending My Love for You
Like it'd be nice if people could just be supportive but No
Everybody wants to give me shitty advice and denounce or at least take a shot at my feelings without even bothering to read what I've written or understand what I'm going through
I'm so fucking tired of it
But I HAVE to KEEP FIGHTING because we're All Magic we All have Power so if I let someone go believing I'm a liar and putting out thoughts that are anti-Us that could have real negative effects!
Though I guess it's good training for Our Love being Attacked when we're Together
That's when the Battle really matters
When You are in Front of Me and it's My Duty to Protect You
'Cause if someone Judges Our Love as False or sees Weakness they might think they can Take You from Me
That make sense to You?
And Yes that is What I think about in my interactions with People
I'm not trying to manipulate people I'm trying to Protect My Loved ones and myself
So the first line of Defense when We Travel is how we influence others' perspective of Us
They can only Hurt us if Think they Can
Just Seven Good Apple Trees produce enough Fruit to feed a family for months
But it'd be cool to have a larger Orchard and support a Community
That's one of Bastion's Ultimate Goals
So Are We Truly Meant to Be?
Or Did I Just refuse to accept your rejection and grabbed all the Love I Have for You and Just ran with it as far as I could?
And I think a lot and write Good and can apparently get pretty far with Just Memories and Hopes and Dreams and Prayer so I've somehow lasted this long.
(I call it the Newman Engine).
I'm definitely flexing my Power here
What I'm doing isn't possible for everyone
And I only Know that because I've Loved You this entire time but this wasn't possible before it only is now because I've grown
Wiser and Stronger
I guess part of it is my own personal narrative
I Am this changed person now
In many amazing ways and in many broken ways
And You're Everything I Need and Everything I Want and You always were
And I discovered Adventure and The World is at my fingertips
And even if Only for this Special Time in my Life
Even if Only for One Beautiful Season
I Want to Share that with You
I Want to Show You what I've been Shown
I Want to Teach You What I've Learned
So You can Be as Free as I Am
As Free as You Helped Me Be
But despite All I've become and All I'm trying to Offer
You don't want to see me You don't want to talk to me
But that's what I Need
So now there's this conflict that people are gonna feel a certain typea way about because it's a spicy subject
Like we're playing some kind of complicated Chess Game
There are moves we each can do
To Win Love from the other
To Lock up the other's moves
To Hurt the other
This doesn't sound like a Healthy relationship...
Any relationship where one or both people strive to manipulate the other to gain an upper hand is most definitely not going to be
So Chess Game Relationship is NOT The Goal
But somehow we broke and stopped talking
So rather than be able to Just Talk and express myself Honestly
I have endless hours of being Alone with My Heart in Pain
I can't Help but Ponder meticulously upon how to Fix Us
As long as I keep that my Goal and Intention
As long as I empower You to Be Free and to make Your own Decision with Your Heart
I can plan all I Want and Move Forward with Everything I Am
I can push right up to the Edge
I have to
Only from there I'll be close enough for You to Hear Me
And that's when I'll be able to Vocalize My Demands
So what are my demands?
What are my Goals here?
What are my intentions?
Well firstly
Time.
I Demand Time.
I Love You and I Care about You and I'm carrying around All these things and I'm Hurt and I Need You
And You don't think we can be friends because I'm too Intense
So
A. Of course I can Demand Time I have every Right to and She would be Wrong to Deny me that
B. Well maybe it's a little unfair but them's the brakes bucko the Lady has spoken so I guess ya better lick your wounds and get back in line
I'm trying to Win You back into My Life
Don't I have the Right to try?
I Love You
That's What Gives me that Right!
It's not like I saw Your Sacred Beauty on Display and Just decided I had to Have You
We Built This together
And what's More
Don't You Remember all those Times The Universe brought Us Together
That doesn't mean You have to Marry Me that doesn't mean You're obligated to Give Me anything at all really
But it makes a whole lotta sense to Me that You Are a Very Important Person to Me
And it's not like I Need Serendipitous Encounters and Astronomical Coincidences to tell me that because My Heart won't stop Calling out Your Name All the Time!
This emotional textual outpouring one is now reading is only occurring because You cut me off!
You mean too much to me I'm not okay with that I've barely been able to keep it together
How am I supposed to Accept things like this?
HOW?!
I've been waiting for a phone call every day the entire past year Just putting all my Hopes into this blog believing in Your promise that You would read it
Meanwhile I have to deal with EVERYONE JUDGING ME Starting debates about Woman's Rights and looking at me like I'm some kind of Creep while I'm losing my Damn Mind because I can't stop worrying about You and don't be Naive there is plenty to Worry about and NONE OF THESE IDIOTS GET IT
Tired Cold and Sore Pushing Pushing Pushing through the Night
(I was trying to aim for the St. Mary Parish)
I Come upon an open Shed
I Come upon an open Shed
One of those pre-built ones for sale
And Oh... Woah...
A Roof?
With Walls??
And a second floor???
With Walls??
And a second floor???
I was gonna have some peanut butter for recovery before I retired
I fell asleep clutching it like a teddy bear
Thanks to Jumbo Donuts in Uxbridge MA for letting me come in and sit down and use facilities and even giving me a Bagel and a Hot Cocoa
Waking up Freezing Building some Body Heat Getting Stuff packed an' Strapped and Riding through the Cold 'til my face is numb and my hands are stiff
Being Given that space to rest recuperate is Just Everything I Need and even a warm and delicious liquid
Words can not express my gratitude
Words can not express my gratitude
Thank You.
You Die when You Give up
I was thinking of You the other day and overheard someone say
"You'll get her when you're 55"
And maybe they weren't talking to me but it made me think that that's how long I have to wait for You
My Heart sank and I staggered
I began quickly figuring how I could even make it
How I could survive alone for all that time how I could remain stable Everything I have to be thankful for focus on that focus on the future it could all be so much worse I'm Lucky I'm Blessed I'm Strong Everything's Okay Everything's Okay.
I have all this Love I Want to Give
I have all these Dreams of Us that I Want to Experience with You
Twenty-four years I have to wait
That's almost how long I've been alive now
Like I can barely get myself out of bed right now
How the Hell am I supposed to go for so long without Love?
I don't know when it is I don't know how Strong I Am I don't know what I'm capable of
But there's a voice that's telling me it's not possible
I'm not gonna make it
If You don't Do Something
I don't know where my Limit is in this
Will I ever be in this space again?
My Brother didn't think I should go
It's not respecting of Your wishes
You clearly don't want to see me
Otherwise You Would!
But what about My Feelings!?
What about Respecting Me??
Am I really asking for so much?
I Just Need to See and Talk to You.
You mean Something to Me.
I already wrote this I guess I'm Just repeating myself here trying to express all these ideas
But Obviously I don't Want You to treat me terribly
Obviously I Want You to Value Me and Care about Me
I don't Want to burden or bother You
But maybe my Mental Health and Happiness could be of enough importance to You that You might Give Me the One Honest Conversation I've been asking for and Fighting for this entire past year.
If You Read all the posts, then You know what I've been through
That's how I can tell You haven't
If You had You'd know your shoddy FB message wouldn't Bring Me Any Peace
If You Really Want Me Out of Your Life
If You Really Want Me to go and Be Free
If You Really don't Want any of this at All
If You Really Want to Just Burn it All down without even Considering the Alternative
Then I NEED You to SAY that to MY FACE
And when You Say that
I Need You to be making an informed decision
I Need You to See Me.
I Need You to know that I climbed a Mountain and made a vow of Celibacy at the top of it—For You
I Need You to know that I've been meticulously Recording my Emotional process of Letting Go of Everyone else—For You
I Need You to know that My Heart has been in a constant state of Burning Every Single Fucking Day—For You
I Need You to know that I have all these Amazing Plans and Beautiful Dreams envisioned and amassed—For You
For Me to Give Up on All This
The Greatest Struggle I've ever undergone in My Life
I Need You to Know Exactly What You're saying, "No Thanks" to
And then I Need You to Absolutely Murder Me
I Need Some Help.
After a nap at a library and feeling pretty shitty when she didn't help me
It got reeeeeal cold
I was approaching Boston/Salem now but had no where to go
So I rescued some food and absolutely freezing came upon a hospital
I Just wanted to wait in the waiting room which was apparently closed
But thankfully the first set of doors was open and that mud room was much much warmer than outside so I ate my rescued food gleefully and passed out on that bench for an unknown amount of time until the security guards woke me up and kicked me out very rudely.
Imagine that
Getting ran off from The Emergency Room
Into Bitter Freezing Cold!
Oh Yeah it's because Hospitals are actually a Business and if You're not about to pay them their exorbitant fees then they're not going to help You and we have a corrupted system supporting this and everyone's Just like, "okay hope I don't get sick lol"
Anyways, I continued My ride through the Freezing Night until I came upon a 24-hour CVS
Took my time shopping in that store
I was saving every dollar I had for the potential to spend it together/on You
But I did buy myself and a Sister on the Streets who was also taking her time shopping some handwarmers, and gave her a couple bucks, so she could buy something and stay in the store if she needed to
After an hour or two
Dawn Approaching
I continued on
Not even sure anymore of my Mileage nor hours of sleep
Though I knew one was going pretty well and one was lacking
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-rYymlF7YE
I Absolutely Believe we are meant to be together
Nothing else makes sense to me
And I've spent this whole last year believing that and making myself a better man and striving forward with the Hope that no matter what Yo'veu been going through and no matter how hurt we both might be and no matter Who gets in our Way
We Will Come Together and We Will Love
Of course I understand You're Free and there are No Guarantees and that's the Way it Has to Be
But I'd be able to Accept any Direction You Want to Go
Just don't Abandon Me
Don't Exile Me from Your Life with no Explanation
Don't throw Me away like I'm Garbage!
When I realized the mistake I had made letting You go back then...
I Chose You
I Decided to Give My Life to You
If You don't Want it—don't Want to Share Yours with Me
Well...
Are You gonna Give it back?
Or are You gonna Keep It?
This isn't Life.
All these words I Want to say to You
Typed onto a screen
I Just think of You
I See You
I Feel My Love for You
I Know You'll Read
So I'm Talking directly to You as I type
But I'm so tired of this.
Where are You??
I've been so patient it's been such a Struggle
Other people have much more serious Struggles much more pain
And okay I know I did this to myself I created this State of Being in My Head on Purpose
But I did so Out of Love so that I could get through the Journey and make it back to You and I knew it was going to be Painful and Difficult but I made that choice anyways—For You
So no matter what happens
Making it back to You is essential to My Sanity
And My Sanity is kind of important for me to, uhm...
Live.
I Just can't Understand why I've been discarded
I can't Understand why You won't even let me be your Brother
I can't Understand how I could Love You this much but You won't even Talk to me anymore
What You said doesn't make any sense
And it's Wrong
You're Just Completely Wrong about it.
Like how is callously abandoning and ignoring someone who Loves You supposed to help them in any way?
I can't Understand why anyone would ever even Do that!
We always always always had a wonderful time together
We Built an Amazing Beautiful Connection that means The World to Me
You were there for Me and I Trust You
We were Family
You are Family to Me.
So What's the Problem????????????????????????
We didn't have a Fight there was no argument
I'm not even Asking You for anything in particular beyond a base level of Care and Respect and Trust that I thought We Had
I was Just suddenly and inexplicably Cast Away
Leaving Me to Wonder in a Confused Painful Dark Cold Place
And that was on top of dealing with all the Trauma from Her
So My Theory is
You have completely misjudged me
Rather than the Heroic Adventuring Brave Warrior King I Believe I am
(Or at least Believe I CAN BECOME if I can Just Keep myself together)
You See Me as Society's dropout. Some crazy self-identified "writer/poet" that likes to spend his time rummaging in dumpsters and riding his bicycle in circles. And sure You have some feelings for me but I'm a Loser who's Just gonna Drive You off the Deep End with me so clearly I Need to be cut out of your life before I somehow rope you onto my self-righteous hippie-esque path of humble natural living, radical self-growth, and faith based endeavoring.
Or is this Just me projecting?
My Victorious Self vs. My Failure Self
(I like how my Failure Self is still way cooler than the average scumbag)
The other Theory is You've been Brainwashed
Society has You thinking that Money and Image and Position or Status are Important things that We Need to Sell our Souls for and that's where Happiness lies
Additionally You have some level of addiction to something and aren't about to give up your somethings for anything
Especially not for the opportunity to rummage through the garbage with that weird bicycle guy who's madly in Love with You for reasons You don't understand because it's not like we spent that much time together it's not like we ever really became a real couple it's not like we mean that much to each other.
Dancing Under The Stars
Sunflower Seed Butter and Banana
Those photos of Us
And My Gifts
That You had hanging in your room
That Time You Saved My Life
And then again
And again
And again
And...
The uncountable number of tears I've shed
A Trail of them across the country
'cause I Miss You
'cause I Want to Be With You but I Can't
'cause I can't even Help You
'cause You Hurt Me
'cause it Still Hurts
Hawaii
Peru
US
Rudy
My Philosophy here is The Truth
In any Given Relationship
Things Stay Right where You leave them
So being Abandoned/Rejected by three women I Love at the same time was a pretty difficult space to be in
But I carried My Love for You Each this whole past year
Nothing has improved at All
But at least I've been able to Make Loving Expressions
And really that's All that I can Do
Some Action that Speaks My Love
That Shows My Care Beyond Doubt
So We Don't Need to Talk
My Words are Right Here
You Should know How I Feel
The Love I Have for All of You is Real and I Will Always Honor it
The Valentine's Day Gambit!
A lot is on the line here, y'know?
My Heart, firstly, which includes My Joy and Happiness for Years to come
But hey
What do I know about that?
(Talk to Jesus about such things)
All I know is that I literally can help You
Whether it's with My Love and My Presence in Your Life and Circles
Stuff I can Teach You
Wisdom, Technique, Knowledge
Or even Just Things I can acquire for You
Food, Clothes, and Supplies and Stuff
Why can't I even Just Give to You?
Why don't You Want My Gifts?
WHY???
And yeah I'm honestly a little embarrassed
I feel like a fucking baby whining and crying about sadness and pain all the time
Like get over it dude grow a pair and a fucking spine while you're at it
But Damn it it's not about that
I'm sad and pained because People I love and care about don't love and care about me back, even though they say they do.
I'm sad and pained because People that mean everything to me that I'd go to the ends of the Earth for have left me alone in the cold to struggle and can't, no, Won't, give me fifteen minutes of their time, despite how much that would mean to me and how much that would heal me and honestly stabilize my failing mental state.
I'm sad and pained because I Need Help and the people I Love and Care about don't Love and Care about me enough to help me, even though it wouldn't even cost them anything or even take up much of their time.
I'm sad and pained because despite the Meaningful Relationship I've built with some people and all the emotions I feel for them, they still don't trust me, have shut me out and thrown me away for no apparent reason, and even go so far as to assume a bunch of things about me that they made up in their head, while ignoring what I've actually already expressed.
And, I'm sad and pained because She didn't keep her promise.
So, I have nothing and no one.
I'm a joke, and it hurts.
The Snow was coming down Righteously as I made my way to Gulu-Gulu for Shelter
That was fine, but when Gulu closed, the Snow had turned to Freezing Rain
Snow will mostly Just bounce off so long as it's not super wet and isn't a big problem unless there's a lot of it
But Cold Rain is a Killer
Luckily, once again, I had found an umbrella, which saved me and got me to a good spot I knew about
It hurts especially because I tried so so SO hard, I Believed and I Loved, but it didn't matter, because after I was thrown away, I wasn't given another chance at all.
So all the pain I've undergone these past few years has been for nothing and the Love I've felt and still have now has been a complete illusion, which honestly makes me want to kill myself.
Like, the very Stars in the sky were lying to me.
My Dreams My Visions Everything I've been praying and hoping for.
And I don't even get a chance.
I don't even get 15 minutes.
I don't even get a conversation.
I get a dismissive text telling me to go away.
For Everything I am Everything I Want to Give all I've DONE I don't get anything.
You understand I'm being treated like Shit right here, right?
I Love You Sister But I believe you should recognize that.
Readers may recall this little alcove
When I was left on the streets a year ago I spent a few nights here with a few other street folk
I was the only one here tonight
The construction guys that woke me in the morning were actually pretty cool
Just takes a little Respect and Kindness
Y'know, common human decency
Maybe some Honest Compassion too, sometimes
And I guess that's hard for some people
I've even come to Love many of these places and feel a sense of Home there
I am so Thankful for My Journey and My Life and Who I Am that I can find these places and Connect with People and build meaningful relationships
But there are many relationships in my Life that are quintessentially important to me
Those being the relationships that have guided me in my growth and understanding of Love
Both Romantic and Not Romantic
Those Relationships are the True Treasures of Life
Moments we Share together
The True Gifts unto us from The Tree of Life
True Blessings from God
And yeah most normal folk in most normal relationships would have moved on from You by now but firstly I'm not normal secondly this is a Sacred Relationship and thirdly I wrote You a Beautiful poem it was a True Honest to God Masterpiece and I've been waiting for Your reply to it Hurt by the lackthereof and made a Conscious Decision to reach You again and speak to You before I allowed myself to open myself up emotionally.
So it actually all makes a lot of sense but obviously wouldn't if one never bothered to read/listen/learn
The D-Counter floats in the top right corner of the screen. A constant reminder that the Clock is Ticking. Also displayed is the depth the characters are at. So as one moves forward and Ascends, that number decreases, while the D-Counter increases...
The game is brilliantly designed in this, as the tension is not only ever-present, but leads to a truly amazing and climatic experience as the characters at last reach the final gate and, of course, their enemies come to stop them in one final battle. What really made the game unforgettable to me was that about half-way through the game, without even letting the player know, they just don't put in any more save points. Where as before, ya might play for an hour, get to another save point, turn the game off and come back to it later (or, if you mess up and use way too much Dragon Power, reset and reload from your last save). But only about half way through the game, no more saves.
So I waited at Your campus library on the 13th hoping for another cosmic serendipitous encounter.
I also sent You a short video announcing my arrival
Which thanks to Facebook I saw that You Saw so all I had to do was Wait
The Day passed
No Miracle Yet
I felt I had to do more
The Library closes at Midnight anyways
So I had a stupendous idea!
If You wouldn't read my blog...
I'd send a short sample to You!
But yeah this segment I sent to Her on messenger
𝔄𝔖𝔓𝔈ℭ𝔗 𝔒𝔉 𝔒𝔇ℑ𝔑!
ᏟᎾᏞᎠ ᏦᎥᏁᎶ ᏢhᎾᎬᏁᎥx mᎾᎠᎬ!!!
When I was leaving Gulu-Gulu the Night before during the Freezing Rain this guy was a Devil
But the Rain smoothed him out and now he looks like a dude with a pony-tail holding a Heart
*Ice Sculpture pic! 1/7!*
*Food Rescue! +50 exp*
Some might see these Dark Cold Streets and find them quite disagreeable
Especially at Night
But to me they're a Playground
Smoothed from the Rains but ready for smootchin'!
Bread and socks and a Brownie
*Food Rescue! +50 exp*
*Sacred Offering! +100 LP*
What an Ice Cold Cat
But Ah, what do We Do with our Blessings?
THAT is what COUNTS
*Ice Sculpture pic! 4/7!*
*Big Bonus x4!*
I Need You to know...
that I Have always Felt So
And I always Will
The library wasn't open yet so I parked NorthWay and opted for a walk to pass the time
I came upon the parking garage and had a great idea to watch the SunRise and take a photo of that for You to wake up to
The structure provided some shelter and I got some push-ups and technique training in while I waited
*SunRise Shot! Photography LVL Up!*
Just about one year ago
I was sitting right here, waiting for her to come and get me into her meal hall
I was on page 26 or so of The Poem, working on it as I waited
At this point, it Just so happened that I was writing about a time we had had an amazing serendipitous encounter. I was on my way to Strangecreek Music Festival on my bicycle, and about 40 miles away in the middle of Massachusetts, You Just happened to drive past me, also on Your way there.
You stopped and picked me up and we went to the festival together.
And Just as I was writing about this amazing cosmic appearance
You amazingly cosmically appeared!
So I had been sleeping on the street in the cold working on The Poem for a few days at that point.
You did not know about The Poem
All You knew was that You didn't respond to my message
So as You walked by and saw me sitting there looking up at You, You kind of stopped short
"...I'm Just as surprised as You are." I said
"Uhmmmm...."
"Well, do You wanna sit down?"
"...Okay."
So I was naturally quite enthralled by the moment
But as You sat down You got a phone call
So while You were on the phone, I quickly worked on The Poem, suddenly Time Skipping to the present moment and writing You a paragraph just pointing out the amazingness upon amazingness of what was happening.
All I recall is ending that paragraph with,
"...but You won't appreciate any of this, until You Read up to this point."
You got off the phone, and I turned The Poem around and asked You to read the paragraph.
Now it just so happened that the night prior I had found, totally on accident, a bouquet of flowers
When I found it, I had thought, "Wish I could Give this to Lili... But She's not responding and I'm seeing her tomorrow, so I guess these are for her."
So as You read the paragraph I remembered the flower bouquet and handed You a flower from it as You finished. I asked where You were headed next.
Biology Class.
Your homework looked complicated
Then it hit me, "YOU IDIOT THE WHOLE BOUQUET IS FOR HER!"
So I quickly gave You the rest of the Bouquet
See, it's clutch moments like this one that I'm nervous I'm gonna drop the ball on.
Of course the whole Bouquet is for You wtf Justin?
Anyways, I forget exactly how I then worded it, but as I'd written, I had eluded that there was more writings of mine for You to read.
So I asked if You'd Promise Me Something.
I asked You to Promise Me You'd Read what I wrote You.
And You Agreed.
Then You had to Go.
And that was the last time I saw You.
But I didn't Worry, because I had Your word that You'd Read My Writings.
So I could reach You.
I could communicate to You.
I'd be out Adventuring and You'd See Me.
And I knew it was going to be Tough I wasn't even sure if I was going to make it honestly
But I did and it was AWESOME
As I waited there in that chair
You Sent Me Your Answer
I saw You typing so I sent this page to You
Can You Appreciate the Gravity I felt then?
My Heart completely Open
Just Floating there
Waiting for Your Axe to Fall
I had cooked that food to get me up here, but upon beginning the ride, I decided I'd rather share it with You than eat it myself. The cold froze the stuff and kept it fresh, so that was good.
I began sorting everything.
My Pile.
Your Pile.
Her Pile.
I was kind of Numb moving through the motions
But I could feel a sort of Trembling beneath the surface of My Heart
When Everything was Just about together
Oh yeah, these pens...
Rescued Love and Desert Lili
And oh yeah, The FAR Ring
I guess this is the moment I take it off
And oh yeah, that bracelet I found years ago on the streets of Chicago the next day after talking to You on the phone and always always wear and it reminds me of You.
I guess this is the moment I take it off
And oh yeah, that bracelet I found years ago on the streets of Chicago the next day after talking to You on the phone and always always wear and it reminds me of You.
Yeah I guess I have to Give that too.
And oh yeah, my chest pocket.
Everything in here I always had with me
To the Tops of Mountains
Her Lucky Coin...
And oh yeah, my chest pocket.
Everything in here I always had with me
To the Tops of Mountains
Her Lucky Coin...
So with the bags all set I left my things there and rode the thankfully short distance to your apartment to once again leave the Gifts at your doorstep
Uh oh! Watch out Everybody! It's Justin!
Silly "Brother" who let him out of the Basement again
Silly "Brother" who let him out of the Basement again
He doesn't seem to grasp the hints we've been trying to relay to him with our obvious apathetic neglect that he's not wanted and he's weird and scary!
Quick! Everybody pretend you're sleepin' he might want to come inside from the cold and be welcomed and friendly and Talk or something.
And We can't Have That.
Nope.
We Simply can not Have That.
THE ME THAT NEEDED TO SEE YOU DIED
I HAD SAID NEED
THE BOTH OF YOU DIDN'T GIVE ONE SHIT ABOUT ME AT ALL
YOU LEFT ME IN THE COLD YOU IGNORED MY PLEAS FOR HELP YOU LET ME DIE
I CAN NOT DESCRIBE TO YOU IN WORDS THE PAIN I FELT CURLED IN A BALL ON THE FLOOR IN THE CORNER OF THE LIBRARY
What meant Nothing to You had meant Everything to Me
Feels like a Cruel Joke
My Actual Emotions completely disregarded
My Life Echoing away from me
What's to be Done Now?
I'm Numb.
I Feel Nothing.
So at first no big deal.
But after you play for like, 4 hours, you do not want to mess up and do all that over again. After about 8-10 hours, you are on the edge of your seat, and every move, especially every Dragon Move, is carefully thought out like a high stakes game of chess. Add to this the fact that as you finally approach the surface, all the forces against you come to stop you one after the other, it makes for this extended Epic Battle, and truly one of my favorite moments in video gaming ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9jR5SGR7FI
I knew it was sleep I Needed as Food could be scavenged Just about anywhere but a Safe Warm place would be impossible to find once the Library closed at Midnight.
I had stayed up all Night the Night before and hadn't slept at all yet.
I was in too much Pain to Sleep though, both emotionally on account of this girl I really liked didn't like me back, physically on account of something off that I probably shouldn't have eaten out of the garbage which had caused my digestive system to fill with acid that I knew I would have to induce vomiting to expel, and mentally on account of My Mind absolutely melting, the onset of a mini Existential crisis, as whatever I thought I believed in about Love is clearly Just an Illusion so I don't Kill Myself.
After vomiting a gallon or so of acidic bile in the bathroom and getting myself together and suited up the library closed.
It was Cold.
Handwarmers in gloves was a lifesaving trick.
No where to go, no reason to stay.
Slightly feverish, stomach burning and queasy, barely any sleep.
I nibbled on a bit of bread in the hopes that would help
Then rode about four miles outta Salem to the first 24-hour CVS
Luckily I had a few bucks that I was saving for Us
Now I could use it to get home
Bought more Handwarmers and a thing of Tums which I promptly ate a handful of
The Bitterest Ride ahead of me I continued onward not really in any shape at all to be riding many miles through the cold Night
But Body Heat would be my best bet for the next several hours and I Just had to Push and would Rest when I could
Maybe this is Just what I get
My Mistakes My Errors
I never thought I did anything that wrong
The worst crime I'm Guilty of through all my travels is pouring Free Cups of Milk from the Cafes that have it out for Free
I know it's for customers but they usually don't even have a sign
But No I know what it's for
'Cause of Her
He Died.
I didn't Want that I didn't mean for that to happen I wasn't asking or calling for that it was an accident and a tragedy and I AM SORRY FOR IT
I had Followed a Shooting Star...
It was Love.
If it wasn't Love then I don't know what Love is and that's apparently the Case because All the Passionate Loving Relationships I've had have ceased to be as such and I'm not really sure what to Do
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YY2vsT89RY
Honesty is Key in any Relationship
The reason is, if one speaks falsehoods, that damages Trust that the listener has in the lying person
And Trust is not Just magically Restored
It must be Earned.
Oh, We can Forgive and continue to Love
But if You know someone is going to let You down
Like by leaving You to Die in The Cold for example
You can't Just delete that knowledge from your awareness
One might still take a Leap of Faith
Which is the only way to Restore that Trust
By Giving someone another chance to prove themselves
But it's not an easy thing to do
And it gets harder to take that Leap
Each Time You Splat on The Ground
Maybe I shouldn't have came
Just waited another year
Nevermind My Needs and Wants
Nevermind My Mental Health
Nevermind I was barely asking for anything
No I had to come up I had to do Everything I Could to Show You I Care, to try and Help You, to See You. I couldn't Just leave after one complete Nonsense message, then back to cold ignoring.
You aren't in a Good Place.
But there's nothing I can do.
That's the Reality that is the hardest to live with I feel like I'm Just leaving You behind to be picked apart by Coyotes and Pigeons
I guess Coyotes and Pigeons Need to Eat too
I HAD SAID NEED
THE BOTH OF YOU DIDN'T GIVE ONE SHIT ABOUT ME AT ALL
YOU LEFT ME IN THE COLD YOU IGNORED MY PLEAS FOR HELP YOU LET ME DIE
I CAN NOT DESCRIBE TO YOU IN WORDS THE PAIN I FELT CURLED IN A BALL ON THE FLOOR IN THE CORNER OF THE LIBRARY
What meant Nothing to You had meant Everything to Me
Feels like a Cruel Joke
My Actual Emotions completely disregarded
My Life Echoing away from me
What's to be Done Now?
I'm Numb.
I Feel Nothing.
So at first no big deal.
But after you play for like, 4 hours, you do not want to mess up and do all that over again. After about 8-10 hours, you are on the edge of your seat, and every move, especially every Dragon Move, is carefully thought out like a high stakes game of chess. Add to this the fact that as you finally approach the surface, all the forces against you come to stop you one after the other, it makes for this extended Epic Battle, and truly one of my favorite moments in video gaming ever.
I had stayed up all Night the Night before and hadn't slept at all yet.
I was in too much Pain to Sleep though, both emotionally on account of this girl I really liked didn't like me back, physically on account of something off that I probably shouldn't have eaten out of the garbage which had caused my digestive system to fill with acid that I knew I would have to induce vomiting to expel, and mentally on account of My Mind absolutely melting, the onset of a mini Existential crisis, as whatever I thought I believed in about Love is clearly Just an Illusion so I don't Kill Myself.
After vomiting a gallon or so of acidic bile in the bathroom and getting myself together and suited up the library closed.
It was Cold.
Handwarmers in gloves was a lifesaving trick.
No where to go, no reason to stay.
Slightly feverish, stomach burning and queasy, barely any sleep.
I nibbled on a bit of bread in the hopes that would help
Then rode about four miles outta Salem to the first 24-hour CVS
Luckily I had a few bucks that I was saving for Us
Now I could use it to get home
Bought more Handwarmers and a thing of Tums which I promptly ate a handful of
The Bitterest Ride ahead of me I continued onward not really in any shape at all to be riding many miles through the cold Night
But Body Heat would be my best bet for the next several hours and I Just had to Push and would Rest when I could
My Mistakes My Errors
I never thought I did anything that wrong
The worst crime I'm Guilty of through all my travels is pouring Free Cups of Milk from the Cafes that have it out for Free
I know it's for customers but they usually don't even have a sign
But No I know what it's for
'Cause of Her
He Died.
I didn't Want that I didn't mean for that to happen I wasn't asking or calling for that it was an accident and a tragedy and I AM SORRY FOR IT
I had Followed a Shooting Star...
It was Love.
If it wasn't Love then I don't know what Love is and that's apparently the Case because All the Passionate Loving Relationships I've had have ceased to be as such and I'm not really sure what to Do
Honesty is Key in any Relationship
The reason is, if one speaks falsehoods, that damages Trust that the listener has in the lying person
And Trust is not Just magically Restored
It must be Earned.
Oh, We can Forgive and continue to Love
But if You know someone is going to let You down
Like by leaving You to Die in The Cold for example
You can't Just delete that knowledge from your awareness
One might still take a Leap of Faith
Which is the only way to Restore that Trust
By Giving someone another chance to prove themselves
But it's not an easy thing to do
And it gets harder to take that Leap
Each Time You Splat on The Ground
Maybe I shouldn't have came
Just waited another year
Nevermind My Needs and Wants
Nevermind My Mental Health
Nevermind I was barely asking for anything
You aren't in a Good Place.
But there's nothing I can do.
That's the Reality that is the hardest to live with I feel like I'm Just leaving You behind to be picked apart by Coyotes and Pigeons
BUT THEY CAN EAT SOME BREAD FROM A DUMPSTER LIKE ME THEY DON'T NEED TO HAVE THEIR WAY WITH YOU
I DEFINITELY DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THOSE FUCKS I JUST WANT TO PROTECT THE WOMAN I LOVE WHY CAN'T I DO THAT WHY WHY WHYW HWY
I Still Love You
But Something is Different
Something is Dead.
I Guess I have to accept that They Got You.
And I don't know if You've been corrupted or if You've Just been turned against Me
Or who knows I'm clearly Delusional but You didn't Want to Help me with that so
Now I'm Young and Fit
I can PUSH through the NIGHT
I can CLIMB MOUNTAINS
I can SURVIVE the COLD
So I Hope I'm getting all the lonely Heartache I have to undergo out now
So when I'm Old and my Strength has faded
I won't have to Be Alone
And can be at Peace
I Worship The Divine Feminine
I Love My Sister
Mother
Daughter
I Will Never Allow What is Sacred to Me to Be Profaned
I Still have a Long Way to Go along My Warrior Path
But I Am Ready to Fight to the Death to Defend Her
This is Who I Am.
I Will Not Forget That.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdxdr48qUpA
And what's funny is it's All Still Just Fine
Give me a Call
Say You're Sorry
Come and See Me
Show Me some Care Help Me Heal
Ask Me to Come back I'll Ride the whole Ride over again 'cause Why the Hell Not
But You're not gonna Call You're not going to apologize and You're not going to See Me because You Do Not Care You Give Absolutely Zero Fucks And if You're Still Reading Right Now if You Ever even Read any of this then You're probably wondering why You are
That's What We Determined
This is NOT the way I Wanted it to Be
This is the Way it IS
This is What You Said with Your ACTIONS
I rode all Night on just some nibbles of Bread and several more handfuls of Tums trying not to upset my upset stomach any further. One nice thing about riding in the greater Boston area, there are Dunkin' Donuts Everywhere. Like every mile. Most open early and close late. So I basically leap frogged from one to the next 'til dawn. I stopped at a Trader Joe's and got some soup. God gave me Bagels and an Avocado so that was cool. I was completely exhausted but more than muscle, emotional, and mental fatigue, my bottom was sore from the terrible hard seat and some painful rash had appeared preventing me from sitting down.
What I'm Capable of Doing isn't the Same as What I Want to Do
And what I Want is far off when I'm in a Place of Need
I Need Love
I Need some Hope for the Future
I Need Something to make Sense
I Need My Actions to have some sort of Positive Rewarding Response
I Need something Good in my Life so I'm not Just Crying All the Time
I soon came upon an upscale sort of Cafe
I Love my ability to blend in wherever
I can go to a soup kitchen, talk to the folk there, help set/clean up, enjoy a meal (if they have abundance)
I can go to a classy cafe and eat the rich folks leftovers out of the dish tray when they're not looking and help myself to their Free Milk Bar
It soon started raining and my stomach was still not right and this place had Oat Milk which I'm pretty sure helped with my stomach issue as I slowly sipped on it for hours nodding in and out of consciousness.
As the rain subsided and the Sun began to Descend, I bid the awesome staff adieu (they didn't run me off so they Rock in My Book! And especially nice talking to You, David!) and continued my ride.
My next Rest wouldn't be until I got back to that open two storied shed thing.
It's All Still Right Here
The emotions are buried or canned or in the process now of being put into a box and stored for Prosperity
But Given the right Sounds the right smell or taste the right stimulus the memories can come back those trigger the emotions the emotion of the moment then in the past is compared to the emotions of the moment now and seeing and comprehending the Whole Sad Story or the Whole Tragic Story creates a specific chemical reaction in the Heart I've been referring to as "PAIN" and it is very very uncomfortable. It zaps Energy one cannot consciously 'cause it to stop it's honestly rather torturous.
It was wet but it wasn't that cold
My legs were wobbly but my knees were alright
I was fatigued mostly from lack of sleep
And my digestive system was recovering but definitely still off
My biggest problem was I couldn't sit on the left side of my butt.
But nothing else to do than keep on pushin' on
And rescue some food along the way 'cause why not it's a nice break and I leave the food on a bench or whatever and maybe that helps someone
"To stay in Heaven,
Loves Comes First."
The game ends (Spoiler Warning) with your rival fully unleashing their inner Dragon, then being ripped apart as their Evil Dragon God uses their body as a conduit to take form in this World. With a Giant Mega Dragon then being the only thing between You, Your Two Companions, and The Surface, You're forced to unleash all your Dragon Power to battle the thing. The Ultimate Dragon attack you possess is Dragon Breathe, which Blasts a huge Energy Death Beam in front of You. The Evil Dragon God sets its sight on Your Friends. You Step in between them, then Jump forward to keep them safe from the Destructive Energy of the Battle. I was in tears as the D-Counter rockets past 100% 110% YOU'VE PUSHED TOO FAR 120% 130% YOU'RE GOING TO DIE in a very DBZ-esque Dragon Breathe Beam lock Explosion, Your final surge obliterating the Dragon and Breaking through the Gate to the Surface.
It was Amazing.
I Love that Game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6Wv8t_xSBQ
I had said, in response to your message,
"There's nothing I can say on here though, so there's nothing to say."
And obviously we can't have an actual conversation through text messages
That You think that that is acceptable is ridiculous and a slap to my face.
But hey here goes anyways.
I'll respond to your message here
As Honestly as I can
No you didn't read my stuff.
I'm glad You know your Beautiful.
You don't seem to know your worth though.
You're Worth far far more than you think.
Way more than a bunch of crumpled greenly stained worthless pieces of paper.
I don't know why you listed what you know at me like that as if I'm the one putting You down.
You seem to have me confused for someone else.
Someone who isn't on your side.
Someone who wants to control You.
I don't know who that guy is but I'll Kick His Ass for You
You actually never said you didn't want me to come.
There were no wishes expressed to me at all that I could deliberately ignore.
I'm not even sure how you think that because you can literally just scroll up and see that what you wrote isn't the truth.
What actually happened was you said some misinformed nonsense "I don't think us hanging out will be good for you" then completely ignored me when I responded.
See, I really Needed to have a conversation with You, and you Just ignored me after my very first response. That's not a conversation. That's You trying to get rid of Me as quickly as possible. So don't talk about the "Love You have for me in Your Heart" in the same fucking breathe when You're not doing anything to Care for me or Help me or Respect me at All.
You shouldn't feel guilted into hanging out 'cause it's cold, but you should feel guilted into helping me survive the night, even if you don't want to feel guilty. Actually, helping me would relieve the displeasurable sensation of guilt, which you are feeling specifically because you're not helping me.
And oh this is funny.
Yeah actually You Do in fact Deserve to feel responsible for my well being because You Did Cause All This in the first place by suddenly cutting communication with me without any explanation when I was outside in the cold at your doorstep. No it isn't your fault I Love You Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much and freaked out and lost my peace of mind. Yes all that is my responsibility. But You also have a responsibility for your actions and if you Shattered someone's Mind but can fix it then Yes You have some amount of obligation some responsibility to Help Them.
You're not taking responsibility here in any way. You're Just trying to Wash your hands of Me without even looking at Me, presumably because you don't want to Face nor Admit that you did anything wrong at all, and I guess are far too busy dancing for scumbags to help me out in any way at all.
I could see how you might think me calling upon your care to See me is manipulative, but You're Wrong it's Not and here is why.
Firstly, to state it again, You aren't treating me Right and that's what caused this situation in the first place. So this is all Just a response to Your Decision to throw me away in the way that you did.
Secondly, the action is only manipulative if I have the conscious intention of controlling You. When I have an actual Need and I'm asking for Help that's NOT MANIPULATIVE that's HUMBLE HONESTY.
"Help! I've been shot! Please help me get into my car so I can get to the hospital!"
"You can't tell me what to do! Just 'cause you're shot or something doesn't mean I have to Do Anything! You can't control ME!" As You put your gun back into your purse and walk away from the dying man, barrel still smoking.
So I'm not surprised you "don't like" being called out on your Wrong action no one likes to be Wrong and called out for it but notice how it got worse instead of getting better when you didn't Just admit to that and do the right thing. I'm more hurt and our Shit is now on the internet being read by I don't know how many people from here to Texas.
How is this at all better than if You had Just let me buy You a Tea???
We could have gotten Thai food and I'd of talked about my plan after my Journey to go to Thailand, Teach English, Study Muay Thai, and backpack around and how I don't want to do ANY of that Alone 'cause I will not be happy and I Want You to come with me and I'd pay for everything for You and You could invest your money in a mutual fund and been wiser and richer when the trip concluded.
Or we could have Just gotten some Lunch anywhere and I'd of told You about how I'm a better man now and I Deserve another Chance from You and if You don't Want to be with me I'll probably Join The Navy but if You ever Need any Help Just ask me and I'll always do everything I can for You and when I get out of The Navy we could get Lunch again and Just see who we are and how we feel then.
Or I could have picked up some Arborio Rice and some veggies and You could have taken those dried beans out of the cupboard and I could have shown You how to prepare them and then we could have used whatever other Food You have laying around to craft a Unique and Epic Risotto and had a wonderful dinner together.
Oh yeah or we coulda Just shared the Soup and Koogle I brought and see what would happen.
But we're not going to See what would happen because You decided the Result already without an experiment. You didn't have to roll the die you decided it'd land a 1. You didn't have to see Who I Am how I've Grown What I've Done because You already made up Your Mind about Me Closed off Your Heart and if You can't undo that then it doesn't matter if I'm the last guy on Earth You Just don't Feel for Me at all anymore I guess.
And I sure don't know how that works all I have are Great memories of us holding hands, laughing together, enjoying life. We had an argument once and I'm sorry I admit I was wrong and it lasted like 5 minutes before we smoked up out of The Lightning Pipe in Your Car together and then it was behind us.
Though the effects of me messing up The Meteorite Moment probably changed Destiny.
I Dare Say, My Lady
You are Rather Unforgiving.
Give me a Call
Say You're Sorry
Come and See Me
Show Me some Care Help Me Heal
Ask Me to Come back I'll Ride the whole Ride over again 'cause Why the Hell Not
But You're not gonna Call You're not going to apologize and You're not going to See Me because You Do Not Care You Give Absolutely Zero Fucks And if You're Still Reading Right Now if You Ever even Read any of this then You're probably wondering why You are
That's What We Determined
This is NOT the way I Wanted it to Be
This is the Way it IS
This is What You Said with Your ACTIONS
I rode all Night on just some nibbles of Bread and several more handfuls of Tums trying not to upset my upset stomach any further. One nice thing about riding in the greater Boston area, there are Dunkin' Donuts Everywhere. Like every mile. Most open early and close late. So I basically leap frogged from one to the next 'til dawn. I stopped at a Trader Joe's and got some soup. God gave me Bagels and an Avocado so that was cool. I was completely exhausted but more than muscle, emotional, and mental fatigue, my bottom was sore from the terrible hard seat and some painful rash had appeared preventing me from sitting down.
And what I Want is far off when I'm in a Place of Need
I Need Love
I Need some Hope for the Future
I Need Something to make Sense
I Need My Actions to have some sort of Positive Rewarding Response
I Need something Good in my Life so I'm not Just Crying All the Time
I soon came upon an upscale sort of Cafe
I Love my ability to blend in wherever
I can go to a soup kitchen, talk to the folk there, help set/clean up, enjoy a meal (if they have abundance)
I can go to a classy cafe and eat the rich folks leftovers out of the dish tray when they're not looking and help myself to their Free Milk Bar
It soon started raining and my stomach was still not right and this place had Oat Milk which I'm pretty sure helped with my stomach issue as I slowly sipped on it for hours nodding in and out of consciousness.
As the rain subsided and the Sun began to Descend, I bid the awesome staff adieu (they didn't run me off so they Rock in My Book! And especially nice talking to You, David!) and continued my ride.
My next Rest wouldn't be until I got back to that open two storied shed thing.
The emotions are buried or canned or in the process now of being put into a box and stored for Prosperity
But Given the right Sounds the right smell or taste the right stimulus the memories can come back those trigger the emotions the emotion of the moment then in the past is compared to the emotions of the moment now and seeing and comprehending the Whole Sad Story or the Whole Tragic Story creates a specific chemical reaction in the Heart I've been referring to as "PAIN" and it is very very uncomfortable. It zaps Energy one cannot consciously 'cause it to stop it's honestly rather torturous.
My legs were wobbly but my knees were alright
I was fatigued mostly from lack of sleep
And my digestive system was recovering but definitely still off
My biggest problem was I couldn't sit on the left side of my butt.
But nothing else to do than keep on pushin' on
And rescue some food along the way 'cause why not it's a nice break and I leave the food on a bench or whatever and maybe that helps someone
Loves Comes First."
The game ends (Spoiler Warning) with your rival fully unleashing their inner Dragon, then being ripped apart as their Evil Dragon God uses their body as a conduit to take form in this World. With a Giant Mega Dragon then being the only thing between You, Your Two Companions, and The Surface, You're forced to unleash all your Dragon Power to battle the thing. The Ultimate Dragon attack you possess is Dragon Breathe, which Blasts a huge Energy Death Beam in front of You. The Evil Dragon God sets its sight on Your Friends. You Step in between them, then Jump forward to keep them safe from the Destructive Energy of the Battle. I was in tears as the D-Counter rockets past 100% 110% YOU'VE PUSHED TOO FAR 120% 130% YOU'RE GOING TO DIE in a very DBZ-esque Dragon Breathe Beam lock Explosion, Your final surge obliterating the Dragon and Breaking through the Gate to the Surface.
It was Amazing.
I Love that Game.
"There's nothing I can say on here though, so there's nothing to say."
And obviously we can't have an actual conversation through text messages
That You think that that is acceptable is ridiculous and a slap to my face.
But hey here goes anyways.
I'll respond to your message here
As Honestly as I can
No you didn't read my stuff.
I'm glad You know your Beautiful.
You don't seem to know your worth though.
You're Worth far far more than you think.
Way more than a bunch of crumpled greenly stained worthless pieces of paper.
I don't know why you listed what you know at me like that as if I'm the one putting You down.
You seem to have me confused for someone else.
Someone who isn't on your side.
Someone who wants to control You.
I don't know who that guy is but I'll Kick His Ass for You
You actually never said you didn't want me to come.
There were no wishes expressed to me at all that I could deliberately ignore.
I'm not even sure how you think that because you can literally just scroll up and see that what you wrote isn't the truth.
What actually happened was you said some misinformed nonsense "I don't think us hanging out will be good for you" then completely ignored me when I responded.
See, I really Needed to have a conversation with You, and you Just ignored me after my very first response. That's not a conversation. That's You trying to get rid of Me as quickly as possible. So don't talk about the "Love You have for me in Your Heart" in the same fucking breathe when You're not doing anything to Care for me or Help me or Respect me at All.
You shouldn't feel guilted into hanging out 'cause it's cold, but you should feel guilted into helping me survive the night, even if you don't want to feel guilty. Actually, helping me would relieve the displeasurable sensation of guilt, which you are feeling specifically because you're not helping me.
And oh this is funny.
Yeah actually You Do in fact Deserve to feel responsible for my well being because You Did Cause All This in the first place by suddenly cutting communication with me without any explanation when I was outside in the cold at your doorstep. No it isn't your fault I Love You Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much and freaked out and lost my peace of mind. Yes all that is my responsibility. But You also have a responsibility for your actions and if you Shattered someone's Mind but can fix it then Yes You have some amount of obligation some responsibility to Help Them.
You're not taking responsibility here in any way. You're Just trying to Wash your hands of Me without even looking at Me, presumably because you don't want to Face nor Admit that you did anything wrong at all, and I guess are far too busy dancing for scumbags to help me out in any way at all.
I could see how you might think me calling upon your care to See me is manipulative, but You're Wrong it's Not and here is why.
Firstly, to state it again, You aren't treating me Right and that's what caused this situation in the first place. So this is all Just a response to Your Decision to throw me away in the way that you did.
Secondly, the action is only manipulative if I have the conscious intention of controlling You. When I have an actual Need and I'm asking for Help that's NOT MANIPULATIVE that's HUMBLE HONESTY.
"Help! I've been shot! Please help me get into my car so I can get to the hospital!"
"You can't tell me what to do! Just 'cause you're shot or something doesn't mean I have to Do Anything! You can't control ME!" As You put your gun back into your purse and walk away from the dying man, barrel still smoking.
So I'm not surprised you "don't like" being called out on your Wrong action no one likes to be Wrong and called out for it but notice how it got worse instead of getting better when you didn't Just admit to that and do the right thing. I'm more hurt and our Shit is now on the internet being read by I don't know how many people from here to Texas.
How is this at all better than if You had Just let me buy You a Tea???
We could have gotten Thai food and I'd of talked about my plan after my Journey to go to Thailand, Teach English, Study Muay Thai, and backpack around and how I don't want to do ANY of that Alone 'cause I will not be happy and I Want You to come with me and I'd pay for everything for You and You could invest your money in a mutual fund and been wiser and richer when the trip concluded.
Or we could have Just gotten some Lunch anywhere and I'd of told You about how I'm a better man now and I Deserve another Chance from You and if You don't Want to be with me I'll probably Join The Navy but if You ever Need any Help Just ask me and I'll always do everything I can for You and when I get out of The Navy we could get Lunch again and Just see who we are and how we feel then.
Or I could have picked up some Arborio Rice and some veggies and You could have taken those dried beans out of the cupboard and I could have shown You how to prepare them and then we could have used whatever other Food You have laying around to craft a Unique and Epic Risotto and had a wonderful dinner together.
Oh yeah or we coulda Just shared the Soup and Koogle I brought and see what would happen.
But we're not going to See what would happen because You decided the Result already without an experiment. You didn't have to roll the die you decided it'd land a 1. You didn't have to see Who I Am how I've Grown What I've Done because You already made up Your Mind about Me Closed off Your Heart and if You can't undo that then it doesn't matter if I'm the last guy on Earth You Just don't Feel for Me at all anymore I guess.
And I sure don't know how that works all I have are Great memories of us holding hands, laughing together, enjoying life. We had an argument once and I'm sorry I admit I was wrong and it lasted like 5 minutes before we smoked up out of The Lightning Pipe in Your Car together and then it was behind us.
Though the effects of me messing up The Meteorite Moment probably changed Destiny.
I Dare Say, My Lady
You are Rather Unforgiving.
Lastly
Few people Love as I Do
So don't Worry about it
You're Perfect as You Are
I Just Wish You Cared
A Little Bit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLykS2-lUvA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p636Rw_L3XU
What Happened to the You that Loved Me?
Where did She Go?
Will I Ever See Her Again?
At one of my stops to rest at a Starbucks
Another Gorgeous Gal I know in MA sent me a message
And I admit I thought about it and who knows if I went to see her she actually might have made me happy
But one thing stopped me
I was on my way here
Back to UConn
And I have a Story to Write
And I Know it's Important
So I pushed through the Wet Dark rested as I Needed and got to UConn asap
Because it All might be over I don't know but I know that I Love You Unconditionally and I don't think I can Wait for You anymore I don't think I can deny myself Love I Need anymore for You
You Set this Reality I didn't Want things to Be like this
This is the Path You Chose.
And even though it's not fair and there's so much You don't know and it's this fucking Tragedy I'll be carrying around until I See You Again and there's nothing I can do about it.
You Taught Me That.
I Still Love You.
I Still Care about You.
I'll Still Be Here for You.
This whole Story is
buried in the Snow
Frozen in Time
After working on, this, for the remainder of the Night and sleeping for like two hours on a couch in the 24-hour study room
I went over to the North Campus Food Hall
I mentioned I was here writing a book and the nice guy at the door let me in for free!
I shared with him the importance of the Sunflower Seed Butter here
Sacred to Me.
Still
I can't have what I Want
I Wanted You.
That was ALL I Wanted.
Had I waited another Year instead of riding this ride
Would You have been receptive then?
Did I mess that up?
No way to ever know...
But I know I'd of regretted it had I not Tried
I still can't even believe it though.
I still can't even believe it though.
You wouldn't even see me
You wouldn't even see me and said all these mean things
Where did She Go?
Will I Ever See Her Again?
Another Gorgeous Gal I know in MA sent me a message
And I admit I thought about it and who knows if I went to see her she actually might have made me happy
But one thing stopped me
I was on my way here
Back to UConn
And I have a Story to Write
And I Know it's Important
Because it All might be over I don't know but I know that I Love You Unconditionally and I don't think I can Wait for You anymore I don't think I can deny myself Love I Need anymore for You
You Set this Reality I didn't Want things to Be like this
This is the Path You Chose.
And even though it's not fair and there's so much You don't know and it's this fucking Tragedy I'll be carrying around until I See You Again and there's nothing I can do about it.
You Taught Me That.
I Still Love You.
I Still Care about You.
I'll Still Be Here for You.
This whole Story is
buried in the Snow
Frozen in Time
After working on, this, for the remainder of the Night and sleeping for like two hours on a couch in the 24-hour study room
I went over to the North Campus Food Hall
I mentioned I was here writing a book and the nice guy at the door let me in for free!
I shared with him the importance of the Sunflower Seed Butter here
Sacred to Me.
Still
Sacred to Me.
Left it Here
The "been here a while" table in the North Campus Resident Laundry Room
Just repaying a Karmic Debt
I Intend to Keep The Right Jacket
I Then stayed up all night again
Not including when I passed out in the chair while I was trying to work
getting it all down
It's All to Show You Who I Am
And to Show You Who You Are to Me
And maybe One Day
If I don't Die or Ruin Everything
I'll be able to Hold Your Hand
Again
