Introduction:
The Journey through my mind continued this week.
If ya'll are bored with my (extremely) personal musings, don't worry! Next week's post will be made from
not New England, I promise! No idea where I'll be, but I'll be on The Road again! I got a lot of needed Love here at home, and I am incredibly thankful and lucky to have this place. Not everyone out there does. Leaving on the 22nd is set in stone, even if I have to cut out of Jury Duty—I am ready to leave, and I am leaving.
One way I define Love is, "When two people both want the other in their story."
But you can't write the story alone.
That's the whole point.
If we don't give any of ourselves in Love, what's it worth?
And by that, how much does each of us have to Give?
God Speed!
~ Edmund Leighton
We can Love so greatly that we want to give everything
That Leap of Faith
Giving it all and expecting nothing in return
Knowing you may be left falling, with nothing
That is also Love
Reflection:
~Love
This is the internet and I have a vested interest in protecting the privacy of the people in my life, so I don't name names too often. I certainly wouldn't want people to be guarded around me and my camera or something. However, the astute reader may be able to pick up hints here and there as to what, or who, is on my mind. And in my heart.
Romantic Love is something I don't talk about too often except with the people that I am sharing in those emotions with, nor do I write about it on my blog, much. However, this week, there's really
nothing else to say. All I have been doing is reflecting, meditating, listening, and struggling with this crazy Heart of mine. Or maybe my Heart is normal and it's my actions that have been crazy. Maybe a little of both. I leave the judgement up to you, but as for me, this week I want to let as much of it as I can out and share my Heart with you all (while protecting the privacy of my loved ones).
The Accolade
~ Edmund Leighton
Firstly, some ideas I need to express. In High School I read the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. This is my favorite book. It has had a huge impact on my life. There are a few ideas in the book that have led me to where I am now, but the particular idea that is relevant this week is the idea of "Free Love."
In the book, Santiago, on his Journey, encounters Fatima, a woman of the desert, and falls in Love. After they spend some time together, Santiago leaves to continue on his journey. Reflecting on this years ago, along with all those other experiences I lived in my life, brought me to believe something about Love: That it shouldn't have any rules. No conditions. No "I only Love you if ____." I thought about it a lot and truly came to believe this in my Heart.
This is a different perspective than many people in our society hold. Maybe it's our Christian roots, jealousies, insecurities, whatever, I don't even know. All I know is, I have never imposed any sort of rule or ultimatum to any of my partners, no matter how not doing so has made me feel. I don't talk about it much, but holding to this belief through the trials I've faced is something I am particularly proud of myself for.
After my eight year relationship ended, I began applying this Free Love belief to my new Love life immediately, and started "dating" for the first time ever. It was all extremely exciting because suddenly I was single and a plethora of women were actually
interested in me! Never before in my life had I been so successful! I actually started
canceling on girls because it was just too much. Had someone told me just
one month prior that I'd soon be canceling dates with women due to overabundance
I would not have believed a word you said. Just to make sure you get the idea, here is a helpful chart:
# of new women met from January-August 2014: 9
# of new women met in September 2014: 10
The dating didn't last long though. What happens when you take a guy who believes wholeheartedly that he is about to depart on a journey to complete his destiny (and behold, we are there again), knows his emotions very well, and lets himself fall in Love with any gal he likes that blows him a kiss? Well, I hope that cynically toned list doesn't make it sound like what happened was any less magical and amazing than it was... The answer is, I fell in Love, which a bunch of spectacular Women, at the same time.
Thus began an amazing period of my life. I was experiencing an independence I had previously not known in my life. Everything was under control and made sense. I was working towards my dream very deliberately, saving my money from work, selling my things, training in Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai, and as I mentioned, falling in Love repeatedly.
What I didn't count on though was the "come down." My relationships were fated to end, as I was leaving on a bicycle, unsure of what would happen, disappearing for an undetermined amount of time (which turned out to be five months until this visit). Each relationship was unique, of course, and I can't summarize a single aspect, but I can tell you that when I left back in April, I was feeling Heartbroken, Unwanted, Wanted, In Love, Confused, and Completely Awe-Struck, all at the same time.
Over the next few months and thousands of miles, through cities and farmlands and mountains, over hours upon hours of feeling, thinking, sorting, looping, and the occasional bug in the eye when I was really of course, I would sort out many of these emotions. Meanwhile, I occasionally saw on facebook some report of the lives of all my loved ones continuing on without me. The most surreal moment being, after a particularly lonely night followed by a particularly difficult ride the next day, coming into a rural North Carolina Library and seeing just uploaded photos of my mother enjoying wine and cheese at The Lake. Yeah, we can go through the motions all right, but that doesn't mean we actually Let. Go. Of anything in our Heart...
The story must also be told of my broken arm. Days after I had my ill-fated slip, I was visited by one such of my Loves, and she, literally and figuratively, helped put me back together. Another surreal moment, having nothing, in pain and alone, and being stuck in one place, to standing in a Wal-Mart, being offered anything I need or want, by a woman whose Love for me alone brought her to me. And that there is truly the Power of Love, to take a person and lift them up. Bring them higher than where they feel. "Falling" in Love is misleading. Flying in Love is more accurate if you ask me. And perhaps it was that feeling that I thought I needed. Certainly, I did at one time. But thanks to all of the women I've met in my life. Every. Single. One. I have somehow been able to arrive to where I am now. And I can tell you that I Love myself.
I Love Myself. Coming to be able to say that—and believe it—has not been an easy journey. But now, I can say that. I can say that because I am doing the things I believe I was meant to do. I can say this because I am not letting anything hold me back anymore. Not The Cold, not Pain, not Fear, not even Love, and least of all Myself. I have an idea of who my ideal self is and I am either living that way or working towards it. I will never be perfect, and I will always make mistakes, but I can accept my faults as uniquely part of me, and I can laugh at myself with egg on my face. Laugh with me! Laughing is a good thing haha.
Back to my story, My Love Left Me in Tennessee, and I would meet back up with her later, when I bought The Ol' Girl. I spent a most romantic filled week with her, and then when my arm was healed, I left to resume my cycling.
I cried the entire drive back to Tennessee.
Now I had even
more feelings to sort through, including a never-ending barrage of dreams, both unrealistic and possible, including what I'd do and how I could somehow make sense, i.e. a happy ending, to this odd tale of a Connecticut Elementary Teacher gone AWOL. The adventure did not cease however, and I continued to learn and grow and struggle in other ways. Go ahead and read back to in August for the deets.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago (yup I skipped some stuff there haha). I am at it again. I am head over heels in Love and for a while there I couldn't even move. Ah,
there's the Falling part. It's when you're not
with the person, as in, in their presence. 'Cause when I fall, I fall
hard. Like from a high-rise onto the asphalt.
Remember the end of last week's blog? Well, I figured it out (the Meditation and Fasting helped
a lot). How can I ride away with all these intense feelings of Love in my heart? I'd just be repeating the loop I just finished, and I can See where that goes. I can See because I've been there before. I can See because I'm paying attention. I can See because that is what I asked for. I asked to be able to See, and so The Road taught it to me. Or, for my non-spiritual friends, I can See because it's
obvious. That Road leads right back here! Where I am! Pining and moping and unable to follow
my own path because I want to reroute
everything I've worked and strived for in order to pursue Love.
That's a romantic concept, giving it all up for Love, but we can't give
ourselves up for it. That's
not Love. I know where that Road leads too. Resentment, unhappiness, discontent. We all have to follow our own Path, even when it's hard.
When I was fourteen or so, while looking at the stars, feeling confused and inconsequential, and mostly disliking myself, I decided I would find a great woman to devote my life to and if I could make her happy that would give my life all the meaning I needed. Made sense to me at the time, but maybe that was a cop-out on personal responsibility. I wouldn't have to think about important questions or make sense of my own life; I could just leave it up to someone else. Maybe a lot of us do that with our lives. It's easier that way—for us. Heck of a high standard for whoever you put that on though.
I will not be doing that any more. I'll decide/figure out the meaning to my
own life. If I can't then I'll make one, or die trying. I realize I am back in the comfort of my parents' home on their computer as I type this, but only time will tell. I can only have this mind set now because of where I've come in my growth. I've learned to Love myself. I Love cycling. I Love traveling. I Love meeting and helping people. I Love writing poetry and taking pictures and telling stories and playing my harmonica and dancing. I Love Falling and Flying in Love. I Love Love and I Love The World and I just want to be free and be myself and be the best me I can be. I want to genuinely pour myself into all the things I Love and not worry about any of the consequences!
When I left six months ago, My Heart was carrying more weight than my bicycle was.
Right now, My Heart is as free as it has ever been. I am in no way
there, but I am working on defeating my fears, controlling my impulses, and letting go of every insecurity and negative emotion that invades my mind. I am the Leaf atop the Water. I do not sink. I move with the waves.
In a couple days, I'll be taking flight again. I'll be choosing My Own Path.
La belle dame sans merci — "The Beautiful Woman Without Mercy"
~ Sir Frank Dicksee
And here is a short reading on Love which helped me understand my own self a lot
I highly recommend you read it with as open a mind as possible.
While I believe it is a part of each of our individual paths to find how we can personally express our Love
I feel the ideas here are something that
everyone could benefit from reading and taking in:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-L-FRE.html
~ Rob Montgomery
Also, on the Art posted:
https://theblogofruchi.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/8-works-of-art-that-will-leave-you-love-struck-when-love-and-art-collide/
Poetry:
This is the first poem I ever wrote. Didn't title it.
Actually, I didn't even know it was a poem when I wrote it down.
I had just recently broken my engagement.
I was somewhere in the middle of Connecticut, climbing some huge hill, on my way to UConn to see a girl that I was pretty sure was actually just a figment of my imagination.
I was also on my way to Boston to see another girl that, and there is no better way to put this, woke me up, and set me on this wild journey of mine more than anyone else. Well, not including myself.
The hill itself is not difficult.
You can reach the top—you know you can.
The challenge lies in what you carry with you.
The thoughts that weigh you down.
The voices that tell you to quit.
The images that steal your focus.
But the heavier these things are the greater the triumph.
And Just maybe, after carrying them so far
you can allow yourself to put them down.
I got some good poetry tips recently and I hope to continue to work on this craft and improve my writing
The tip that struck me specifically is this: One's poems are not for oneself.
That struck me because most of my poems I do just write for myself. Oops.
Does that mean I'm selfish?
Ah, but there are some notable exceptions: Love poems.
By far my favorite type of poem!
I usually don't share any Love poems I write, 'cause, y'know... They're not for all ya'll!
But I guess I'll make an exception this time
just 'cause it fits the theme of the week and stuff.
Wrote it the other day at 4am.
I'm pretty happy with it actually.
When you read it read the
Bold text in a super deep voice.
I wrote it for someone special
I just hope she likes it.
"New England Love Story"
World dark and dreary
Though peoples' faces be cheery
and all are good and Just in theory
Their gates always drawn so clearly
and I march on parched and weary
Was it weakness or strength that drove me to you?
Atop Black Steel—tales of valor I blew
But the chinks in mine armor shown through
Behind my visor—a face it belongs to
Which you prefer, can you speak for true?
Lady of the Sky, there can be no transgression
In unison let us together reach ascension
I fly your banner and ask for no possession
Would that I could, ask but for your attention
I present to you another poem for your collection
Sir, Prince, or King—I am not
I'm Just Justin. That's all I've got
and I'll take my bicycle over any dumb yacht
But I try really hard, and I think that's a lot
Oh, and here's my love too. Hope it hits the spot <3
Story:
The Swan
I put down my pen. My current project was going well. While the happenings of life around me were usually absolutely distracting, I'd been slowly crafting a series of beautiful Love letters to the lady currently holding my Heart. While that was the most worthy endeavor I could imagine, I have been taught time and time again, and reminded recently, that holding on to self is important and necessary, even through the throes of Love. Thus I donned an old wool coat and headed out to the Lake to meditate.
Just a week ago I had gone for a swim, and it was only a bit nippy. Autumn is a short festive period in New England, as mild Fall temperatures usually give way to the chill of the coming Winter suddenly and immediately. The coat was a gift from my uncle. It had always felt too big on me, even though it seemed to fit. I chose that coat to specifically wear today because I had been considering taking it with me when I hit the Road again. I'd been rather nervous about the cold I would be facing when heading back out into The World, especially without a warm home and bed to take shelter in.
The sky was clear blue with scarce a stroke of white. I walked down my street and through the field, trudging through the colorful leaves that were at just the point when they are dry and everywhere and no one has put them into any piles yet. As I approach the Lake across the field wind blows my coat open and I shudder, trying to seal any openings. It is a sunny late October day, and I know I have no business being so cold. The
real cold won't be here for months, but any level of chill has always been my weakness (heat, on the other hand, I am generally impervious to). The wind continues to blow from the water and I ponder how I will try to overcome this weakness in my mind, today.
I walk out to the end of the dock—my usual meditation location. Before I sit though, I see a lone Swan, gently floating in the distance. I am struck by the majestic nature of the creature. Admittedly, I hadn't seen a Swan in some time and had completely forgotten about the existence of such a fowl. Watching it then recalls to mind images of Swan families on that same Lake I had seen over the years. I sit and continue to watch the bird as it swims right by me, squawking loudly. The thought occurs to me of getting a feather from this poetic bird to include with my Love letters; but alas, how would I go about doing that? I think for a moment and come up with only one idea: Ask nicely.
"Hey. May I have a feather, please?"
"
CREEEEH!" The Swan cries as it paddles away from me. I sigh, resign the idea, and begin my meditation.
I reflect on how willful I am. That despite knowing what I have to do, and want to do, and even deciding on it, I am still ready at a moment's notice to drop everything and put all of my efforts on hold to seek or uphold what I value most, which is Love, of course.
I reflect upon how I still hold fear in my Heart. I think of how I am striving daily to let go of it completely and choose Love and Faith in all of my walks. The line between that and living realistically sometimes confusingly gray.
I reflect upon my Path and the things I can and can't control, and would and wouldn't want to control. Fear leads me to want to seek more control. Fear of suffering and of being alone and of the cold and of failing.
I begin to reflect upon Heaven and Earth—letting go of each thought as it arises, letting each emotion roll over me as a wave—when I turn and see it. My meditation breaks. Further off in the distance now, near the overgrown shores where humans can not tread, the Swan has pushed some ducks from the area and is poking its head underwater. In between us is a collection of lily pads, an overgrown area of the Lake where humans do not swim. And there it is, floating atop the water with the leaves. A Perfect Swan Feather.
I stand. I need to get that feather. How do I get that feather? I could take a boat. My mother has a Kayak right here on the shore. Yet that would take time, and the feather is floating away, into the maze of water weeds. It could be lost any moment! If I want that feather I do not have a choice. I have to jump in to get it. I scan my brain once more to come up with some other reasonable solution. The air is cold and the water is cold and I'm cold and... The Swan, directly past the feather in my line of vision, honks loudly and spreads it wings wide, flapping itself out of the water just long enough for me to be in awe at its wingspan. I asked for that feather. I'm going to get it.
I walk quickly to the beginning of the dock and place my shoes, the old wool coat, and socks. I don't want to risk losing any of my precious trinkets that I wear around my neck, so quickly start taking those off too while keeping an eye on the feather. A black cat along the shore catches my attention when it runs off suddenly. Cats are friends. They bring warnings of oncoming danger, not bad luck. I think for a moment and decide internal body temperature is not a number I should callously ignore. I do some quick Muay Thai exercises to build my body heat up, but when the feather floats even further into the No-Man's Land of lily pads I rip my shirt off and rush to the end of the dock. I glance at a family watching me inquisitively from their bit of shore but have no time to think and dive right in.
Cold is a lot less cold when you have a mission. The water certainly isn't comfortable but I keep my thoughts on the feather. My track pants are not conducive for swimming and are more difficult pushing through the water than I'm used to. My legs can handle it though. The weeds reach up nearly to the surface from the bottom of the Lake. I ignore my old childhood fears of tangling my limbs in them and being dragged beneath. For a moment I lose sight of the feather, but wading into the lily pads I find it again where I thought it was. More concerned with simply retrieving the prize rather than the shape it will be in, I snatch it from atop the water and begin the backstroke backwards.
I feel myself slowly down now as the coldness starts to seep into me. I relax my thoughts and focus on reaching the shore. There is nothing else to think about. Just reach the shore, and hold on to that feather. Before I know it my kicking leg hits sand and I am walking out of the water, now acutely aware of how cold I am. I grab my things on the dock and quickly run home, my toes feeling just a bit numb. I keep myself moving by punching the air as the shower warms, then relax into the heat, feeling lucky I have it.
In the warm shower, I reflect on my decision to jump in. A deep familiar cough comes out from my lungs, the one that rears itself every season here when the cold gets into me—my Winter cough. Yet I am proud of myself for going for it. I am proud of myself for not letting my fear or my laziness stop me from grabbing on to something that is important to me.
Maybe this is just who I am.
However, if there is a lesson, perhaps it is to be careful what I ask for. Another line of gray, when do we acquiesce and allow for the World to turn as it will, and when do we stand and act and push with all our might against whatever force seems to be moving against us?
With conditioner in my hair, my father surprises me by opening the door and turning the vent on.
"Justin? Justin? You in there?"
"Uhh yeah Dad, what's up?"
"It's really important you put the vent on okay? The condensation creates mildew."
"Oh, yeah, sorry Dad." He flicks a brighter light on in the room too. I preferred the mood of the dimmer light, but recognize his actions are motivated simply by his desire to help.
"Ah, thanks Dad."
"Okay, well I got into a car accident just now and I'm on the way to the hospital now, so I'll talk to you later."
"...Wait, what?"
"Yeah the car's all totaled. I'm sorry."
"Dad wait, are you okay!? I don't care about the car. Do you need a ride? Are you alright!?"
"Yeah I'm fine I'm just a little banged up. Your mom's drivin' me now."
"Okay, uhm, uhm. I'm gonna rinse this soap out and get out right now. Hold on."
And so I did, in time to see my parents out the door as I dripped water onto the floor.
'Twas my old car, the Blue Stinger, that had met its demise that day. I had given it to my father upon leaving months ago. I thought he sold it, but he actually just kept it to drive himself around with. My father was fine, just some internal bruises from the air bag. The accident was apparently the other person's fault, so my dad expects some insurance pay out. We're both insisting the other take that money.
The day over, I have the swan feather I asked for. I did not meditate much, and my Love letter is still not finished.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy4HA3vUv2c
Food Review:
Check back ina day or two!
Pictures:
From the top of East Rock, New Haven
This week's guest photographer:
Kat Hosfelt!
I love coming up here.
We keep reliving the same loop
over and over again
until we learn our lesson.
Maybe!
I sure don't know how The Universe works!
All I know is
I want live all I can and learn all I can
My attempt at capturing the view.
Pearls of wisdom
I'm still not sure what that deer means
Maybe it'll come to me later
Here's where my dad works!
He's a bridge tender!
He opens the bridge for boats!
New Haven has four different drawbridges over the harbor.
It's a neat thing!
My brother offered me his old laptop
and having it would be helpful with the blog
but I'm worried it'd be a big distraction
and I don't want to have to lug it around and deal with it.
The public library narrative continues
My friends invited me to a vineyard and winery.
I don't feel anxious and out of place at such locations anymore
like I used to
But I don't feel like I belong there either.
With access to a kitchen I've been cooking my family a couple dishes
Least I can do for having me around
And we jam now and then too!
Freedom is choice.
We're always free to make the decision
or so we think.
But there's seldom a choice that gives us everything we want.
We have to either be thankful for what we do have
or work harder!
Have I asked for too much?
Or have I simply been given exactly what I asked for?
I'm still reaching for a lot
but I feel like I'm letting go of even more.
I worry I have a rude awakening sneaking up behind me
But maybe I should just live my life
have gratitude for the moment
and what shall be will be.
What shall be will be.
P.S.
If you're one of the people that I've been alluding to in this post
I hope you don't mind I talked about all this here
and I hope you're okay with how I feel
and I hope you know you can call upon me any time for anything, ever
and I hope you know I Love You.
