Rise Again.

     As promised, I'm in Maryland! Just passing through though, I'll be back in Chicago tomorrow, pickin' up from where I left off. Doing so is important to me. The only rules on The Road are the ones you make for yourself; but lemme tell yah. You better keep those.
     My thoughts are still chaotic. I'm still distracted by food. I still get lonely pretty easily. But I'm working on all these things and I can see how I am actively improving. Even though I'm not yet the person I want to be, I am getting there. That makes sense, because I didn't get to where I want to be yet either, but I'm getting there too. I'm back on The Road now. Every day is a chance to apply what we learned the day before to our lives. Every day is a chance to Rise Again.

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AceNg5WrF9I

     I still don't have a perfect image of that place or that person I'm trying to find out here. However, and this is the most profound difference I can feel now than from months ago when I first left, I know now that I want to be me. For months, I rode around looking at other people and asking myself, "Would I be happy if I were in their shoes?" Usually the answer was a resounding, "Sort of..." But there was always something not quite good enough.
     Eventually, I was actually given someones shoes to walk in. They fit too. But then it hit me... If I'm walking on someone elses path, what about mine? What about who I wanted to be? What about the person that I am meant to be, if I can pass all my tests and learn all my lessons? I took off those shoes and put back on my old full-of-holes running shoes. They carried me back home.
     When I left months ago, I was running away from my problems I didn't have a solution to. I was running away from my emotions I didn't know how to handle. I was running away from people I didn't know what to say to.
     And I still have problems I don't have a solution for. I still have emotions that I don't know what to do with, and I still don't know just the right thing to say to some of the people in my life to uplift them and perfectly encapsulate our relationship as beautiful and positive for eternity—but I have learned that that is all okay. I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to perfectly know every part of myself. I don't have to save everyone. That's not my job.
     However, I learned and grew so much traveling, it just so happens I did figure out different parts of myself. I did solve some problems. And I hope, though I guess I can't be sure, that I helped some people. I want to keep that up. I want to keep going and growing, riding and writing, playing and paying. Who will I be after another 5 months of this? What about 10? I feel similar to leaving the first time—there's a world of wonder and horror just waiting for me out there. What will I encounter?
     But (at least) one thing is different now. I'm a whole lot less scared and a whole lot more ready. I know I am going to have nights that suck. I know it's going to be really hard sometimes. But I also know it's going to be really amazing sometimes too. I'm going to learn a lot and I'm going to continue to actively work on myself, applying what I learn every day to the very next.
     This is how I'm choosing to live my life. For me.
     I don't know where this road will take me, and maybe that fact alone is the most terrifying, but I intend to be as genuinely myself as possible, rather than anyone's expectations of me, and be the best me I can be. Upon leaving home, I put on my own new shoes to walk in (thank you Father). When I stop and meditate, I can almost see that guy that I can be.
     That's who I'm reaching for. I don't care about money or things. I need food, shelter, and Love, but even those things have to be pushed aside for this person I'm asking for. He's a lot to ask for, y'see, but I don't know any other way to reach him than by asking for him and working for him with everything I can.

     Hmm, I almost feel like I've said this all before... Hope I'm not repeating myself or anything.
     Even though I can see some of the loops I'm in, I feel I'm getting somewhere.
     Who will I be the next time I return home?
     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6DjyXQl7L8
     Anyways, I've got pictures, another yummy risotto recipe, and maybe I'll write a poem or two...
     But I've got some Love Letters to send, my bike to load up, and a train to catch, so I gotta go!
     My Father once gave me a bit of Wisdom.
     He said, "Life's about livin' it."
     One thing I can say for certain right now is that I most definitely am.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eZ_TgE3x_A