HIKE Sedona!

Years ago, my former fiancée visited Arizona and for a gift got me this Dirt Shirt
Called so for coloring the cotton with the natural clay 'round here.
Our Romantic Song has been Sung
But I Will Always Care for Her

I'll Always Love Her

So I Wanted to carry a piece of Her with me along this Journey.
I've been wearing this Dirt Shirt as my Odd-Job/Farming work shirt across the entire country
So as I rode through Arizona, of course I had to visit Sedona!
And upon visiting, I of course had Two Missions:

Mission One—Work an Odd-Job in my Odd-Job Sedona Shirt
and
Mission Two— HIKE Sedona!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSfFLvidfcM

I got to Sedona by Night

Kokopelli is always a good sign

Headed straight to the Library and rested there

Always a Good Spot to land and get ones bearings and branch out from

Plus, once ya roll up your sleeping bag, you're Golden
'cause then you're Just waitin' for the Library to open!

I didn't realize this town was named after a Great Lady

It felt Right

Arriving Here

Like I could Belong Here.

Like We All Could.

Missing a Piece.

Thanks for teaming up with me Sister

It was Awesome having a partner for a while

Pretty wild Just how quickly we "manifested" what we both were seeking

The very next evening we found our selves invited to a totally awesome spot!

To Dance and Make Friends and Share Food

Thank You Jess for Your Amazing Art Space

Star Heart

Our Hearts a Kaleidoscope of Emotion

Thanks Again Sister

The World speaks in Symbols

And My Heart Calls for You

"Do not hate humans. If you cannot live with them, then at least do them no harm. For theirs is already a hard lot. She also said that she would love you for all eternity."

~Lisa's Last Words

With a Storm approaching I sought shelter at the nearby Catholic Church

I don't Need much

I Am Thankful for that

My lowered Needs makes this Journey and this Lifestyle possible

But I Do Need Something

I don't even Know What anymore

Save for God's Love

The grounds here at Saint John's are Beautiful

Jesus would Give away the Treasures and leave the Doors open to provide Shelter

Is there anything wrong with people congregating together to Worship The Lord

And investing Time and Energy into Beautifying that area and holding the space as Sacred?

Only when The Space becomes more important than the People

When You think twice about Compassion because of Your investment

"Life is Study."

~Kintaro Oe

One doesn't have to heed it

But it Never Hurts to Listen

"I'm a Candle-lit dinner kind of guy."

I met this man by chance...

Turns out he grew up back in Connecticut with my whole father's side of my family!
Thanks so much for helping me out Mr. Dan!
I ended up passing along your gift to me to a homeless veteran

But Just You Giving unto Me was enough.

I Already Have Everything I Need.

Everything.

"Sleeping ona Church doorstep Saturday night is the best night to do it

'cause in the morning ya wake up and go right into service!"

I felt pretty good with how this Kokopelli burning came out!

Actually I was surprised

I've been using it a bit

I've gotten quite good with the Wood Burner (;

Quite Good

Got to Be

I Know The Lord has High Expectations of Me

And a HUGE Thank You to Dan of Steady Rhythms!

Your Drum Shop, rare book study, and Jam room are the perfect example of a Real community space

A Space that is Open and Welcoming
That contributes to the Community, not charge an entry fee

That Helps people, whether locals or travelers

And people can mingle and collaborate and relax

This is where to go when you don't know where to go

This is where to go to hang out and create Art

This is where to drop off extra supplies

This is where to LFG!

So Thank You Dan for holding this Space and maintaining it and opening to folk and helping people and artists!

If anyone Needs or Wants a Fantastic Hand Made Drum

This is the guy to Support!

I wanted to buy my Mother some beads made from local materials

But upon perusing the wares I observed I could Just craft these beads for her myself!

So I couldn't Justify letting go of a dollar to buy a moderately worked on rock that's literally laying on the ground right outside behind the building.

Maybe if Mother was with Me...

My Middle Name!

Well actually it's Patrick...

Sedona is absolutely Gorgeous no matter which way you look 

I Love The Mountain

Sternly Looming over the town

I'm sure the area was a lot different a few decades ago

Before they built a highway running straight threw it

Thank You George for all Your Hospitality and Gifts!
I Hope one day I get the chance to match some of Your Generosity and share some of my cooking with You!

https://www.instagram.com/justice_peanutbutter

Yup

Sedona is Definitely a very Special Place

I could Live here.

Just gotta get used to these Cacti!

Glad I backpedaled and got to ride this ride during the day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adGKEAsxO5w

Kokopelli is always a good sign

There's all sorts of hidden places to discover

Magical places not on the map
You'll only hear about or find if You Explore

Like a Cave under the Road that leads to a hidden Pond!

Stalactites!

So Cool!!

The Tourist area can be fun too

But I definitely wouldn't want to only hang out there

I had to get a gift for Mataji Kim
So I hitched a ride uphill to the wal-mart in Flagstaff
The ride back down was awesome
Thanks for the Lift, Brother!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-aRR0acZkY


So I stopped to visit some new friends I'd met back in SnowFlake and drop off the gift for Mataji Kim for them to deliver

I didn't realize I'd be invited into their Heaven

I am SO Thankful to Mario and Antoinette for sharing their Sacred Space with Me and Giving Me Time to Rest and Heal
Lord knows I Need that...
Y'all Gave Me Everything I Needed!

They even got me started on my First Mission!

The Tree Stump crumples away surprisingly easily. It was all rotted, so my initial hard swing of the pick-ax Just sends a spray of soft wood flying, rather than *thunk* in like I thought it would. I use the pick-ax like a hoe and Just sort of scrape what remains of a once great tree away. I'm honestly disappointed. I was Looking Forward to some hard work. Despite the ease, I Love the pick-ax, and enjoy a few more drives of rotted Tree Stump.

My disappointment is soon relieved when I see a mass of stones at the bottom of a two story stair way that I know need to all be hauled up. On the way down I notice one of the stone steps is loose and take a minute to try to repair it; as best I can without mortar or a hammer (the pick-ax might have worked).

The sweet smell of flowers fills my olfactory sense as I carry the stones upwards. A curved stick and two pebbles form an encouraging smile (;

I Love the Work.

I try to carry three at a time each trip—one for each of them. I'm sure that doesn't matter at all, but the idea of carrying them makes me feel good. A subtle yet Deep Motivation.

After a few trips I pause and sit and look up and around. The trees are tall and majestic, with the powerful vista of cliffs and peaks towering beyond. An array of colorful birds flirt about through all the lush green. A slight breeze pairs with the perfect temperature of the clean air. It's no wonder this area is becoming gentrified, as successful folk with resources and a taste for the Goodness of Nature and the aesthetics that come with that claim/buy and invest in land here to create and live within their version of Earthly Paradise.

I am struck that this is what success looks like. Beautifully lain stone walk ways surrounded by rainbows of flowers and dotted with fruit trees. Masterfully crafted homes standing both in Harmony with the Nature around them and in Defiance to the Wild beyond the community space. And what's wrong with any of that? It is no fault of these folk the indigenous peoples were pushed away a century or so ago—nor, more recently, the poor, as property values swelled, and the Ma and Pa grocer gave way to a strip of boutiques and inns and overpriced whole foods.

Truly, the only complaint one can even manage to think of is that it is all too perfect. As I reflect and imagine my perfect ending, a mosquito buzzes down to my hand. I squash it before it manages to pierce me to draw blood. No, I will not Just Give that to a parasite—but the night prior I did lay some of my meal—yummy blue corn enchiladas and scrumptious strawberry rhubarb pie—on a Stone by the trees beyond the house gate. I said a prayer of gratitude, and I Hope that's enough.

I Hope I Give Enough.

I used to struggle with motivation. If there wasn't some sort of positive reward, I wasn't going to do anything. This probably stemmed from the fact that all I really wanted was to be in my room playing video games all the time. My favorite type of games were RPGs—Role Playing Games. These types of games were basically like playing a book. Imagine Bilbo Baggins, from Tolkien's The Hobbit, but You get to control him.

Make Choices.

Explore the Environment.

Interact with The World.

Outwit, Battle, and Defeat Demons and Monsters.

A Digital Adventure.

Back then, I Lived for these Experiences.

They were more than Just games to me.

They were who I was.

Who I really was.

Real life sucked. I was weak and ugly and awkward. I always had a Deep Love and longing for females, but there was something, maybe a bunch of somethings, wrong with me.

I would never find Love.

I would never go on any Epic adventures.

I would never actually have the experiences my Soul Longer for.

And that was Just fine.

Everything I Needed was right in my room.

Light from a screen shining into my eyes.

Except...

When the Game was Over

When I'd found all the secrets, saved all there was to save, unlocked all there was to unlock, defeated the final boss and Beat the Game...

There was always this sort of hollow feeling. I started calling it, "End of Game Depression." See, when ya play a really great game, and you make an emotional connection with the characters, ya can really get into it. You're no longer sitting alone in your room starring at a screen. You're in the game. This is called immersion. So when I was playing such a VG, I was no longer weird and smelly, in the "dumb kid" classes, lonely and scarred.

I was Cloud Strife with his Buster Sword!

I was Rudy, exploring another mysterious ruin!!

I was Sonic the Frakkin' Hedgehog!!!

I was Cool

I was Strong

I had a Purpose.

I had a Story

A Real Meaningful Life.

So when the game ended, even after (especially after) a great ending

and I was Just Me again

alone in my room

the title screen music replaying again and again

I'd always feel Just so Deeply Sad.

The Dream was over.

Back to being Me

Boring

Useless

Pathetic

Me.

Abject laziness didn't help either. I have since found Joy in Good Hard Work, but back then it took a lot to get me out of my room. What really woke me up though were the Real Life Rewards that a Real Life Adventure would bring. 

I had had the thought to ride to Boston, for example, but probably wouldn't have ended up going, had it not been for Her and Her. I genuinely wanted to Just see if I could have made the ride in Just two days, but I also genuinely wanted to Just lay in my bed, read a comic book, snuggle cats, eat soup and cookies, and sleep all day. So when riding to Boston also meant being able to hangout with not Just one but two Beautiful Ladies—not a single fiber of my being was interested in lazing about in my room.

That my engagement with Her had Just ended and I was Free for the first time in my adult life made the ride and the moments all the more significant.

So She was my reward.
My Reward for Faith and Work
She was Life and She was Love.

But She's not a carrot.

And I don't need the promise of pleasure dangled in front of me to strive forward anymore.

But it's hard to get around the debilitating depressing belief that no matter how hard I try it doesn't matter because it's never good enough.

And I don't want to believe that but it sure feels that way right now so I have to constantly push through it

And sometimes I fail to

It wasn't like after hours of martial art training, but I woke up a bit sore from hauling rock and mortar up a significant amount of stairs the day prior.
I Love that soreness.

It means my body is healing—growing stronger.
It means I can eat!
It means I earned it!
So the first thing I want to do as I stumble out of my little guest house is go straight to the kitchen and enjoy some Bittersweet Chocolate Almond Chunk PB and Banan. And a bowl of milk and cereal too. (The no added sugar kind. There's dried fruit though—plus the milk has sugar in it and is sweet enough. I add unsweetened cocoa powder. Ta~da! Healthy chocolate milk! Why don't more people eat like this?)

But as I approach the door, I stop. I know there are some more stones to move. I also know once I enter that space—the kitchen space—there'll be no stopping me from enjoying that bananana. I've always been a compulsive eater, and it's been worse lately with spikes of Depression/Emotional pain.


The last attempt at fasting ended with me literally screaming in the middle of the High Desert as I came upon another long hill. What makes that profoundly upsetting to me is that I should be having a good time.
I'm on a Good Path.
I'm helping people and The World.
I'm fit and healthy.
I'm in a Beautiful place
living My Dream
learning and growing
FREE!
So things are going great.

But She won't talk to Me
And that makes me Sad
Period.
And it definitely doesn't help that She Hates Me and She cut off communication with me too...
(And if you don't know why feel FREE to read back a few chapters, or even back to the beginning...)


I've been self-medicating with binge-eating every chance I get. I do a pretty good job making healthy choices, but too much Peanut Butter is too much Peanut Butter. And honestly it's less about the extra calories, or even the loss of tone resulting from that, and more the lack of discipline/self-control and the disruption to my positive state of being.
Eating feels good, but once I've had enough, every bite is bad for me!
Too much medicine will Hurt you.
Extra calories set me back from my goals!

But I'm so hungry


I've eaten enough let's get back to work

I'm still hungry I don't care I Want more

This isn't worth fighting over

I Deserve to Eat

Sure but that's not the point!
Be Strong Be Disciplined Be Healthy Be our Best Self

I'm Frustrated I'm Sad and I'm still hungry

You don't Need more!
Look around You at the Life You're living!
Just Pray and be Grateful!
Think of the Future!
Think of Her!

AhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok Ok—don't think of Her...

I don't Want to think

Try to meditate

I can lose myself in the pleasure of the consumption

The problem is—it's never enough, 'cause eating doesn't change anything or make it go away.
It just soothes and distracts, so once the meal is over, we're in the same space we started in.
But if we overeat, then we've set ourselves back

I don't know how much is too much I'm Just always hungry

Always practice restraint
Always be Grateful

...Thanks for the Food

Yeah.
Thanks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edmIy21ds2c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDh2YrTjijg

Edifax!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywdPqnvpLP0

omg this doggo is SO PRECIOUS

The Wall work was put on hold for a day of farming at the garden!


The nearby Oak Creek was tapped via a man made ditch to create this stream of water

They dug in some pipage with a controlled opening

The pipes each have their own valve so the water can be controlled

Ditch Irrigation!

I did some weeding and earned some China Stripe Garlic :D

So that whole internal process happens in a minute or so. Rather than open the door, I knell to tie my shoes and head down the stairs. I begin carrying the stones. I'm a little sore but the work is waking me up. It's the work that I Need. I'm not really even hungry—even though I think about Peanut Butter Banan the entire time. After nearly an hour, all the stones are up the hill and I walk by Javier as he works on his wall, "Ok. Now it's time for breakfast." He looks up and laughs.
I look at him, "Right after my push-ups!"


100 push-ups and some prayer later, I finally take my shoes off and enter the kitchen. There's a voice telling me I could do more. There's a voice telling me I don't Need to eat. That that is where the true triumph lies. But that Just frustrates me at this point and I do my best to quiet it as I pour milk onto muesli and cocoa powder and set a banana on the table. When I reach for the Peanut Butter, there's a note atop it.
"Justin - Please set the sprouts on the porch after 8am"
Eat Now—says a lower self.
Practice Restraint—says my higher self.
So I take a breathe and apply some patience and set the plants outside. At last I sit with my food in front of me. I skipped my ab exercises. I could have done more push-ups. I have stones to lay work to do. I say a prayer of gratitude and Hope My Way is Good Enough


As I pray I can hear Javier working on his wall outside. It strikes me as odd, suddenly, that I as a guest may enter the kitchen at my leisure and He as a hired hand was not extended that courtesy. That's not up to me, but I can at least make a gesture. I step outside and offer him my banana—the last one. He accepts it. I step inside feeling good I did the right thing, but missing my banan. I enjoy PB with apple almost as much anyways...


After eating I get to work on the wall. The small space and incline make it uncomfortable to work, but I'm in a Beautiful Place, its a Beautiful Day, so any sort of complaint would only make me feel like I'm whining. I place stone and mortar for a couple hours which mostly goes well, but despite Deep Breathes and moments of meditation, I have an incredibly short fuse and any little thing causes an embarrassing outburst of aggravation. My headphone falling out of my left ear, the right speaker turning on and off, a rock not fitting into place, an ant in the way, a fly in my face, the mortar in my glove wearing away my skin causing pain, discomfort in the knees, back, neck.
That little voice in the back of my Mind reminding me I'm a Failure I Failed Her I'm Garbage The Stars lied to Me My Prayers went unanswered I'm alone and there's No End to Any of This in Sight.
I Am Deeply Frustrated.
So all these little things add up really fast until I completely lose it and stomp off towards the kitchen.


I pass Javier, whose wall looks and is much better than mine and is still working diligently. I walk inside and open the fridge and while screaming internally at myself to shut up shut up Just Please Shut Up SHUT UP grab some potatoes eggs and a delicious avocado side dish I prepared, throw them all in a pot with a bit of canola oil and cook it 'til the egg white is solid.
 As I sit down at the table to eat my fork drops to the floor which causes a spike of Rage in My Heart as if I'm supposed to not eat or something supposed to pray or something supposed to SOMEHOW BE MAGICALLY OKAY when EVERYTHING I BELIEVED IN was torn apart right in front of me.


When I'm done eating I actually do feel better only for the fact that the food dulled my emotions a bit so I've calmed down. I Need to get back to work though while there's still daylight so I trudge back outside. Javier is still at it and I feel respect towards him and try not to feel so pathetic about myself.
The thought crosses my Mind that You might See this Wall and that it shows I'm still working and growing and learning it's like the difference between Nothing Matters and Hope and the Depression goes away and I'm suddenly very galvanized and motivated and energized and I can pour myself into it.
Even though it Hurts.
Then a song comes on that reminds me of Her and once I Feel it's a reminder that it's All Real and I Just Start Weeping and I look at myself inside and I'm Screaming then I start laughing through the tears because even though this pain Just won't End and there's nothing I can Do to Help Any of You or change this at all—All I can Do is Just Be Thankful for My Life and My Heart and these emotions that prove to me that even though My Mind is Chaotic and Calculating and crazy
I'm Still Me
I Still have My Love
I'm Still Alive
and even though I Failed and I'm Trashed I'm Still Ready to Die and Kill for You and one Day maybe I Will and that means Everything to Me and Who I AM


I Know She was Hurt
So that's why I've Rooted myself in Celibacy
So I will be Free when the Day comes that I might be able to Help, Aid, Save Her.
Effectively ending My Love Life
Or at least, I Hope, Just putting it on Hiatus
Even though that kind of Love is the Source of All My Joy
What the future holds I DO NOT KNOW
But in the present moment She gives No Fucks
Neither does She
and She won't speak to me until The Promised Moment
So I am discontent angry (enraged) still Hurt
trying to be Devout and Disciplined
And Just Be Present in these Moments of My Journey and My Dream
But Terribly Unbalanced—No where to direct this pain or sexual energy or
Up and Down Up and Down
Good for Push-ups
Not so Good for Emotions out of control


I Have No Choice but to Continue forward.
Only My Sister's Love can Heal this Hole in My Heart.

Off to the side of the gardens I noticed a huge growth of Bamboo!
So I went to investigate...

I came upon a Vision of My Heaven

An Orchard next to a Home Surrounded by Bamboo

Never before have I seen a place so close to what I imagine the Heaven I will create to look like

I gazed in awe and walked about for a few minutes until I realized I probably shouldn't be Just walking into this person's Living Space

But I was so Thankful Just to See this.

The Space I create is going to be Just Like This.

A Mulberry Tree and Bamboo
Growing Side by Side

Bastion

New Item!
Hula-hoe!

Great for removing lots of little weeds

New Item!
Hori Hori!
Great for digging and weeding, especially through tough roots

Here's the wall that Haviar built

He used a special tool so he could stack the stone while keeping the face flat...

New Item!
Stonemason's Hammer!
Used for chipping away pieces of Rock

Accompanying Flat Chisel used for precision.

I'll need to use this tool a lot to build proficiency

But the idea is to lay the rocks on top of each other with as much stability as possible

So when chipping away bits of the stone we want to increase points of contact and balance

I found a bunch of seashells buried in the ground so I adorned the wall with them

Mission One:
Complete!

The next day, Sunday, I began My Fast.

I asked if I could leave my bike and gear at their place and go for a hike
Wouldn't be back for a few days.
On Monday, Mario dropped me off by the airport on his way to work

Here is All I Brought

You might notice there is No Food.

That's because I didn't bring any.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b54jce2-3I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KZhbRGwzlg

The Battle for Sedona

I have come to Conquer these Cliffs.

No.

I'm Just climbing them

I Respect them.

This Land is Sacred.

It is my Self I Conquer.

The Red Cliffs are the Battleground

I can't always be in Super Saiyajin mode

But when it is Time for Battle

Time to Prove My Self

Exercise and Build My Power

Then there's No More Joking around

No More going easy on myself

Failure is Not an Option

If I Fail I Fall

If I Fall I Die.

Others Have.

I can't fully understand the True Substance of this World

But to Be put to the Test

Beyond My Words or rationalizing or bargaining

An Endeavor that I must put my All into

No Quitting—Mind Body Heart Soul

And if I Fall...

Well I guess that'll mean that I should have done more push-ups

As I hiked I automatically moved Star Needle to deflect some shrubbery overhanging the trail. I did this without thinking, in a swift simple motion.

I was suddenly astounded.

I looked back at the shrub, then at my arm and cane, thinking of what I'd done.

It occurred to me that this sort of reaction is of an essence of martial arts and it is how the masters are Masters.

Firstly, Training.

Muscle Memory.

Knowing what one's body can Do and how to move it to Do the required Action.

Secondly, Experience.

Being able to read someone's movements and understand/know what their body is about to Do before they have completed the movement.

In other words, in a Fight, the Master does not think.

Thinking is Slow.

The Master does not Need to think.

The Master moves automatically in response to their opponents movements—as a Built-in Reaction. That reaction having been built-in through countless hours of training.

What's the difference between a Free Spirit and Selfish Apathy?
Honesty? Maybe.

Care? Probably.

There's nothing admirable about abandoning one's children, for example.

So maybe it's a matter of responsibility.

Not littering for example. Cleaning up after one self.

Hiking here is definitely different than the Rockies
There's Cactus, for example, Everywhere.

So I've concluded that it was very irresponsible of Her the manner in which She treated me, and selfishly apathetic of Her, to have left me in this Painful Maddening Space.
What hurts the most is Her Doubt.
That I am a liar and not forthright.
To dislike me, not Want me, at all, is upsetting enough, but to not believe Me—and subsequently to not Give Me a chance at all and Just Banish Me—Maddeningly Hurtful.

I Still Care and Still Want to Save Her.

As far as I'm concerned, I have.

I did my part, at least.

But She broke my Trust too many times.

That's Not Easily Restored.

To Forgive and Continue to Love is one thing
That's a Choice.

But I can't Just Will Trust for Someone from Absolutely Nothing.

I can Give them a(nother) Chance to Repair that Trust

But they have to Earn it.

That's How Trust Works.

There's a whole expansive trail network here and they're all pretty well marked
Noice!

That this happened twice in a row with two women I felt sure Pure Feelings of Love for is Beyond Baffling...
I Just Need to Be Thankful
Because of all of their Neglect, I Am Free to Grow and Explore and Fly.

I Just Wish I had what I Needed.

I Need Experience.
Navy or Thailand I suppose I'll find that there.
I Need to be Training much much more.
I Just Need to "Get Good AGAIN."
I'll be okay.
And if this Solitude ever ends then I'll actually have something worth fighting for instead of constantly Destroying myself in these dumb Depressive fits.

Oak Creek

I had to Ford through this

Of course I crossed at a difficult spot with mud and a strong current and missed the easy ford just a ways off but whatever there was a Sister over there in a bikini taking pictures of herself and she was really attractive and Just seeing Her I felt Lust and just feeling that I'm disappointed and Angry at myself.
Potentially Hate towards myself as well, depending on the thoughts that come to Mind.
So I sit down by the water alone and scream at myself on the inside and try to forgive myself for my Male Humanity and remind myself that I'm doing a phenomenal job and have never hurt anyone.

There it is!
Cathedral Rock!
Look Familiar?

It's The Rock Formation on the HIKE Sedona Shirt!
That's how I knew to Start Here.

I don't have these thoughts or emotional crisis when I'm with a Romantic Partner

I Just focus all that energy to them and Everything is Good

But now I Need to deal with this all the fucking time.

My sexuality has always been the source of my Self-Hate.

I Know what I Need.

LOVE.

A Good Wife.

A meaningful Trusting Relationship.

I am Not meant to be Celibate.

The energy is so hard to manage.

I Hate this.

But for some reason The Lord Above (I assume it is for Lessons and Growth) and The Ladies in My Life have Sentenced me to Solitude.

I'm traveling to Beautiful places but carrying this bitterness with me everywhere.

I wasn't even given a chance Just sent to this Hell without a Second Thought.

My Elation soon returned as I hiked the trail.
Unless they were like NYC Sunglass people
(As in didn't even look at/recognize me at all)
I was stopping to chat with Just about Everyone I passed on the Trail to share the Story of the HIKE Sedona shirt and this Monumental Moment

It was another Moment like when I reached the Sangre de Cristo Mountain range
Just how far I've come
Both in The World on My Bicycle
And in My Self as a Boy and a Man
The weight and enormity of this entire Journey being felt so fully in the Present Moment

I was So Happy.

The Man that I have become through this Journey

All I've Seen and Experienced

The People I've met along the way

Whether I Helped them, they Helped me, or Both

All of the ways I've grown
All of the ways I've improved myself and lifted my self up
Not only Who I Believe I Am but Who I've Proven my Self to Be.
The Challenges that I've Risen to and faced
And the difficult positions I've been in and the Choices I made there
Everything was sort of vibrating echoing within me as I Hiked to the Top

Helping me Climb, Rise Above Every little thing that would Defeat or Destroy Me

As marked on my Shirt
A Gift to Me from one of the most important people in My Life
Cathedral Rock was a checkpoint for Me
To Stop and Feel and Reflect Upon My Self My Journey and once again
Just how far I've come
Since leaving My Home in Search of Truth and Beauty and Understanding

And I'm Not Done.

Cathedral Rock
North

West
(lol)

South

East

Starring at this pillar of Rock

I suddenly thought it'd be Righteous to climb to the top

I trotted over to check it out but as I placed my hands on the stone and felt for places to hold, the rock crumples away in my hand, just like those rocks I dealt with building the wall.
"SandStone..."
I've yet to lose All of my capacity towards self-preservation

So I turned around and sat back down.

Too bad though, woulda been Cool.

I headed back down an alternate path
Really fun place to Hike!
The usual Never Good Enough voice inside me was calling me a coward for not attempting to climb the pillar
But I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it or not
(Nor how I'd get down...)
And when I remember Tennessee
My Pride leading me to quite the embarrassing fall and a quite broken arm

I'm reasonably hesitant about reckless actions that might end disastrously
I Just don't want my Prudence to make me a Coward

!!!
I Fount it!
One of those VORTEXs Everyone here is talking about!

Wow.
Such Mystery.

So Beautiful.

So Beautiful.

There's my next target Peak.

Yeah, the one in the background.

After descending from Cathedral Rock I hastened my pace

I Wanted to get as far as I could before the sun set

So I had some time to chat with folk and enjoy the hike

But I couldn't dilly-dally

As I dried my feet and put my socks and shoes back on

Three Sisters in Bikinis Just sort of walked out in front of me

I couldn't help but glance at their butts.

I'm Thankful to Sister for Sharing Her Beauty

But it only pains me.

I'm getting worse.

Everything about my sexuality Just hurts me

I don't care about Lots of Sex

But I Do Care about Good Sex

Good Sex is With Love.

The Women I Love and Want to Be With

Abandoned Me Without even Giving Me a Chance

I'm brought down by this All The Time.

I'm trying to be Positive

Life is Outstanding

Except I'm losing My Mind I'm Angry Frustrated Insane Afraid

I saw a family going swimming and Just Being

I thought, "One Day, One Day I'll be there, and I'll be happier than I ever could have been, and appreciate it more, because I did this."

It Just feels like such a real possibility that I'll Never get there—like that's it.

No More Women.

No More Love.

No Family.

No Children.

Just Unending Desires and Nightmares.

Go and build a Farm no one's gonna come but some wwoofers

And they're Just gonna leave, Just like You Do.

The flys buzzing around and landing on my ankles didn't help.
I used to be very patient but I am so frustrated these days I have a very short temper now.
Snaggy branches and dropping my water bottle cause my Heart to viscerally clench up much more than such little annoyances really aught to and with all the Everything the Sisters in their bikinis just triggered I Just sort of get sucked into Another Dose of Negativity.
The high of Cathedral Rock did not last long, I'm afraid, before I started attacking myself again.
 I Freak out in a small fit and stab at my Journal with my pen and break my new Pen, Hanu

Then I Want to Cry

I Just Feel Mad and yell out, "I'm being Attacked and Punished for No Reason I've Done Nothing Wrong!!"
It's really All about them.
All three of 'em.
I'm Just so Hurt that I'm not being talked to.
Like I Love these Girls So Passionately so wholeheartedly and I'm losing it out here and None of them Care enough to even Talk to Me and that's All I Need.

I found the pieces of Hanu and fix it which makes me Feel a whole lot Better
Then continue my Hike.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PEkw-4xBXw

I wanted Cathedral Rock to be my Hike with You

I talked with You as I Hiked along

Pretending You were with Me

Imagining You ahead of Me

Or maybe Just behind

My pace slowed so we could Talk

We have so so much to Talk about

I'd get mad all the time

So mad at You for all this

I wonder if anyone heard me

Screaming at You in the middle of the woods

It's all bottled up

I'd remember that moment in the Bamboo Thicket I read You the Poem I wrote You

 I can imagine it so Vividly

I lost count of how many times I prayed to God that I wouldn't forget it

I don't know who I'd even be without that moment

You Have No Idea

How much that moment changed me

How much it meant to me

How far it carried me

How much I Believed in You

How much it Healed Me

How much it Hurts Now

You Have No Idea.

I'm crying right now

Writing This

I'm sitting at a computer in a library Writing this bawling snot is all over me I don't Care if people are starring

'cause I'm not here.

I'm in that Moment.

When Will I See You Again?

I Accepted I might Never

I Had to.

That hurt even more than Accepting My Dad could Die any time.

He's doing better now, I think.

Are You?
Are You Happy Healthy and Safe?

I Still Pray for those things, too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA1Vqwe0lho

I had to pass through town on the way to the next peak

So I slept at The Cowboy Church

I woke up to find this in the parking lot

Good Morning!

I don't really know exactly how one Gives a True piece of one's Heart to Another

I don't think it's something You really think about doing

I don't think You Just share it like a piece of pie

I don't think You Give it away like a piece of precious Jewelry

I don't think You plan to Give it

I don't think You necessarily even expect to

You definitely Choose to

But You Definitely don't think about it

Maybe it only happens when You're Flowing

In Harmony with someone

Connection

Love

And You find Yourself in a Space that maybe can't really be described but is definitely very Special and maybe Just reaching that place at all with someone is significant in and of itself and maybe that's enough to Give someone something Real and True and Irreplaceable of Yourself

All I know is

You can't Just take it back

Maybe You Never can

I don't know

You can to grow New Parts of Yourself and Give those to others

If You Want to Love again

But You can't Just take the pieces back

Because You don't Want to

Because that's not why You Gave those pieces in the First Place

You didn't Give them to Take them back later

When You Give someone a Piece of Your Heart

That's You You can't Erase That Moment

So that Love will Exist Forever

Even if You Lose Them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZduDvIBu3EU

At the very least
My Celibacy means something
In the space I'm in it's All I Can Do
Deny myself what I Need to SAY SOMETHING
Of course I Need Love
But I don't Want to use anyone I don't want to hurt anyone
If I do that so Willingly so Intentionally so Deceitfully
Then I'm not holding my Self as Sacred nor My Lover nor the Act itself
I Want to Make Love with a Woman I Love
Not use a Sister's Body!
I Want that Physical Love to mean something
To Be a Sacred Act.
I Want it to build Trust and Intimacy with my Partner
That's (some of) what it means to make Love!


And I wasn't always Strong enough to make this decision
But I tell You, it was My Love for My Sister that has saved Me
It is My Care for every Woman on this planet
As a Sister, Mother, or Daughter
My Ideal of Raising them Up so they may be Safe and Empowered
That is what I Believe The Way is
Food, Shelter, Love
Work hard, grow food out of the ground, build infrastructure, be Safe and Comfortable and Happy
Make Art and Music!
Travel and See The World!
So much Goodness out there to Experience
And if we All have Prosperity
And Mother Sister Daughter are Sacred
Then what Do We Have to Fight for?


If We All Help Each Other
See each other as a Collective Family
REFUSE to Betray our Brothers
REFUSE to Hurt our Sisters
REFUSE to Abuse our Children
REFUSE to Dishonor our Ancestors
I Believe this is The Path to World Peace


I Believe this is more or less what Jesus spoke
Perhaps in a different way
And, of course, as Himself with his Perfect connection to Divinity.
Lacking that Perfection myself, I've got to Just Do My Best


There are people that claim it doesn't matter what we do who we are we Just have to believe in Jesus we'll be forgiven and that's it.
Well I think that's a ridiculous misinterpretation.
I'm pretty sure Jesus would be like,
"If Thou Believest in me, then Thou shalt not "A" "B" or "C".
I Just witnessed Thou Do All of these things.
Our Holy Father can See Your Hypocrisy through your lies!
Begone Demon!"
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'd say something like that
And then God would Smite that dude
Or at least take away his Health or something so he'd be really really sorry he lied to Jesus.


But hey, what do I know?
This is coming from someone who doesn't really have a problem with Adultery
Rather, the Commandment aught to be
"Thou Shalt Not Rape"


I'm Not God
I don't know
This is All Just what I Think and Believe
But God's yet to change my Mind on it and I Do Not Care what is written upon any Holy Scriptures

Even if We—Us—Human Beings and this World that we live in that we've created is Corrupted and Wrong and Evil and Sinful by Nature

"For All have sinned; and fall short of the glory of God"
~Romans 3:23

 At the very least this is who I Will Choose to Be

A Champion
Above such Wicked Acts.


Bo Burnham wrote a song where as he sings from the perspective of God
I like his interpretation of this the best:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3QnxWuJtsQ

"Didn't Think I Had to Write that One Down for ya"

 How can I ever Love another

When I Believe in what We could Be?

What I genuinely Want is to Give it a Chance

So I Have to Wait for that

I at least Have to Wait

To See You Again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o2OkD_cWkU

THUNDER MOUNTAIN

As I headed to the next peak
For just a moment I happened to smell a mixture of ganja and some kind of delicious baked good

I was reminded of the pleasures of Life
The Want for such things I Am trying to Master within myself
I suppose not everyone tries to gain this sort of discipline

And here I am about to climb a mountain on Day 3 of eating nothing

(Except two mulberries)

 
 
 Honestly, it was never the ganja I Loved, but specifically, smoking up with You.
Feasting together afterwards made all the hard training and every previous pass of pleasure worth it. 

I Want to Wake Up on The Peak

 
 
 I Needed to Be Free then
(so did You)
so I thought it was Just gettin' high with any particular Lady that I Loved

That Pass there
That's the Target

A Javelina!
I wanted to be frens but it ran off ),:

This is a really tough hike
There are cactus everywhere blocking paths
And the whole dang Mountain is made of Sandstone
So Ya can't Trust a single rock!

See like that!
This Rock literally just disintegrated into Sand when I stepped on
Causing me to slip
If they don't just crumple the ground underneath is unstable and they slide

This is an Agave flower!
Apparently their base spines are so sharp and stiff they can be lethal if you fall on them!

They'll live for a decade or more, but only bloom like this once!

As I climbed up with my view overlooking the town

I wondered if anyone could see me and were watching my progress
I wondered if they were routing for me or The Mountain

I definitely try to hike with Respect and Reverence at all times

Lest The Spirit of The Mountain itself decide to throw me Down

 Almost there
I spent most of the day writing so I only have like an hour of Light left
Depending on what's on the other side of that Pass I'm either Home Free or Totally Fucked
 

To get to the pass I had to climb these vertical rocks barehanded
If I Fall from here
I Will Die.

Okay I admit
I completely underestimated this Mountain and put myself into a dangerous position
I mustn't forget the lesson I learned from the Challenger climb...
Never underestimate The Mountain!
I even forgot my friggin' flashlight.
Luckily I charged my phone and that thing has a flashlight on it
Otherwise I literally wouldn't have been able to move.

But the city at Night from afar and up high is gorgeous
My dinky phone camera is unfortunately no good at capturing vistas

Forgiveness is easy.
Doing Without is Hard.
So there is bitterness
For the way in which You went about
Cutting me off, with No Explanation
Leaving Me to Freeze
wondering endlessly and painfully
what I had done Wrong
As if there was No Meaning to Us at all

So one reason I'm so Hurt is it Just doesn't make any sense to Me
Like if some random dude You met at a bar the night before blows Your phone up yeah Just Ignore Him whatever
The 46 pages I wrote for You were of memories We had
I didn't Just make that stuff up myself!
So why are You treating me like some scum You met at Your job You mistakenly gave Your number to!?!?

See it Just doesn't make any sense to Me

So what am I supposed to Do?
I Need an answer
The damn text You sent me didn't make any sense at all
I responded asking for a conversation and You Just ignored me

I Need to See and Talk to You

Don't I Deserve that?

I LOVE YOU DAMN IT

It was a long grueling and dangerous climb but

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaVFYaRT1XM


I Made it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYUKZqLPN88

I slept right at The Peak
Not the most comfortable Night's Rest but


Definitely Worth It.

Thunder Mountain

North

East

West

South

From the pages of My Journal:

I Have Changed

I'm sitting on top of Thunder Mountain
This is my 4th day without eating
I hiked about 15 miles the second day
(The first day I defeated Warm-out-of-the-oven Homemade Chocolate Banana Bread!)
Yesterday I worked on my book for hours, then hiked this Mountain.
Now I have to Descend—still gotta figure how
Then it's on to the Next Mountain—Bear!
I remember the first day on the Appalachian Trail, years ago with some friends.
I was pretty Sore n' Tired after 6 miles
'Twas Hilly~but no Mountains.
Now I Feel Fine. A bit Sore.
So Obviously I'm Stronger~Physically is easy to see.
Last Night the Sun Set half way up the Mountain
I pressed on into Dusk, then turned on my Light and continued my Ascent through the Dark 'til I made it To The Top~So I'm Stronger Mentally as well.
And things are unclear about the woman I'd like to marry right now but I'm carrying that with me and waiting in Celibacy rather than seek shallow and meaningless hook-ups.
I still struggle with Food and my Celibacy Vow might not be Perfect—I don't know
I Just know I'm not Perfect.
But, I'm definitely stronger~Emotionally as well
And that is beyond Value.


I found Ladybug Town

Scouting Fail!
I couldn't find another way down!
 Just sheer Rock Walls

Not that hiking 'round up here is so terrible
Though I was a little frustrated as I was a bit tired and sore and the shrubs up there are pretty grabby

Woah
Ladybug City!
And I thought there were a lot on that bush...

Guess I gotta go back down the way I came up

What's there to be Afraid of?

Well running out of Water up here for one thing
Especially without food in my system

And Falling for another.
Hmmm
Am I able to descend this wall?

The sandstone makes everything more dangerous
But I descended no problem


Think We'll ever Hike Here, Together?

I Hope We Do.

This is the Amitabha Stupa
I had noticed it from the top and couldn't take my intended West route so I Wanted to check it out while I hiked by
They say just seeing a Stupa brings some amount of Enlightenment
Well that's nice.

I swung by the library again to refill water and charge my camera so I could take more photos
Worked on This for a couple hours
Then walked back out and just slept along the side of the trail

I guess it was good I couldn't find the way down on the West side.

If it was raining this'd be a stream
But in lieu of running water it was nice and flat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN47H9Va7No

Obviously
I value these relationships
I want to repair what was broken
I want to be there for You if You Need Me
I don't understand why You'd get rid of that
Why would You get rid of a Brother?

From My Center
My "LionHeart"
I Care about Everyone
I remember the Emotions I felt for You each
The memories we Shared
Maybe We're not going to be getting back together
But I Will at least Honor that Real Love that I Felt and those Memories We made together.
So it's a painful place I am in here now
These Memories of mine that You All Gave to Me are Sacred to Me
These Sacred Memories keep me going

I still Feel connected to You
I guess it's the way my Heart works.
I Just focus on a Memory and the Emotions I felt then come back
This "Garden" of mine is how I stay sane

I don't Want to Be Celibate
But for one I'm trying to Prove something
And for two I believe there is meaning in who I Save this Gift of my Self for
And for three I can't see physical intimacy leading to anything other than Me Hurting someone or Losing someone
And I want to Avoid both of those things

Seen as how I'd be doubling back
I got the idea to leave my bag off-trail behind a tree and Just take Water+Camera+Pen 'n Paper with Me

This has been My Path in Love
You All Taught Me Love
Each in Your own ways

 So another reason I'm upset is I Feel I Know that this is My Purpose in Life
To Help, Aid, Guide, and Protect You

and I'm Just So Wasted.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqb-bXe9W6A

This mess that is Me is mostly unchanged from when We first met, y'know
Except now You're a part of this mess that is Me too
I learned from my experience with You that even if I Deeply Love another
My emotions for these other women stay the same
The meaning of each person in my life doesn't change
Each respective relationship continues to exist in the state it is in

So I can not Just take on a New Lover and discard the old ones
Maybe some guys work that way
But Not Me.

Remember when You and I traveled together?
Nothing Gave Me Greater Joy than Watching over You and Protecting You and making special Memories with You.

So I Hope this doesn't Hurt and I'm sorry if it does
But I had had the genuine heartfelt thought
Somewhere in Indiana/Illinois (Just after dropping off that Canon fellow)
"I Need to experience this with them one day. I Need to show them both this too."

I Still Need to.

This Water was Enchanted with,
"God Bless y'all
Be A Warrior
Trust Jesus
Thank You Mother"

I'd say that before every time I had a drink
Which would elevate my mood in addition to the hydration

So I have these High Intentions
I'm in complete control of my lower base desires/self
And I Just Want to Give and Be Friends and only Want to Receive what You Want to Give to Me Freely
So why won't any of You even Talk to Me?

I'm living My Dream Doing Awesome
Saving The World
Why Am I such Trash to You?


I'm trying so hard
If we were Just talking I'd Be Fine
Do I sound pathetic right now?
I cry every day.
I can't go on like this forever...

So I don't know what's going to happen I don't even know what's going on right now
But I know that thinking of You makes me happy.
I don't know if We'll ever be Lovers again but
I Know I Want You to be My Fren either way
and I Know I'll be seeing You at the Solar Eclipse.

 So I guess we'll figure it out then
But I Sure Do Hope I can Still Adventure with You and We can Still Slay Dragons together!
And that Love is enough for Me.


There's a letter for You waiting at my house.
When I sent You that letter on Your birthday I didn't think it'd have Hurt You So.
I understood there were things I had to Do
So I Wanted to Be Honest and I Wanted to Free You.
I Free'd You Intentionally.
But I really thought You'd of been happier about The Good News
(Of the letter—not talking about Jesus' Resurrection on the Third Day, right now)


When I wrote that You're a member of my Family I meant it.
So You'll always have a Home.
In CT and at Bastion

Bear Mountain
North

East

West

South

Still Rising

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCE1HIepPw8&t=2m49s

Justin LionHearted, Arising
RRGW4  —  Planeswalker  —  22
-3: Justin LionHearted, Arising deals damage to target creature equal to the number of loyalty counters on him.
-2: Put target creature card from your graveyard onto the battlefield, then create a colorless Shooting Star artifact token and a colorless Photo artifact token.
-1: Create a colorless Shooting Star artifact token and a colorless Photo artifact token. Then you may sacrifice any number of Shooting Star artifact tokens to gain that much life, then sacrifice any number of Photo artifact tokens to draw that many cards.
0: If Justin LionHearted, Arising has 1 Loyalty Counter on him, You Win the Game.


Rhea DawnBringer, Dragon Slayer
GUB1  —  PlanesWalker  —  5
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may return target creature card from your graveyard to the battlefield.
+2: Search your library for a creature card and put that card into your graveyard.
-1: Target creature you control gains Flying, Trample, and +3/+3 until end of turn.
-4: Target player loses X life and you gain X life where X is equal to the number of creature cards in your graveyard

I Will Never Forget You.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA13icbjAvw

With this, I've completed all my target climbs

Now Just to Hike back to LionHeart...

...which is that way!
Getting down was a lot easier
Uses different muscles
And I have a pretty good technique where as I use my Cane to control my momentum

So does this look like fun?

Well Guess What

It Is.

!!!
a fren!

come back freeeen
),:

Guess I gotta keep going forward alone, for now...

Maybe We can Hike Bear Mountain together one day

Right where I left it!

I wasn't worried one bit (:

Still some daylight left
So after a good break and reapplying some of that magic sunscreen I continued on

I hope my crew will come together one day
We'll travel about going on adventures
Learning and Growing and Kicking Ass


Bastion will be the Home Base

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOiJYwcxXpk

DO I LOOK LIKE I'M QUITTING !?

This here is Mescal Mountain
The name got Me thinkin' of You

 
I don't really Need to write anything here 'cause We talk on the FBs all the time :D
But I Just Wanted to express that You are and always have been a Light in My Life and I Will always Love and Care for You and if there's anything You Need don't Hesitate to ask and I really really Hope We get to go to Japan Together one day.

I couldn't find a way past the walls to the peak
But I did find this cool cave!
I didn't stay here as there were still plenty of miles to push and only a bit of daylight left

But how about You and I get some Nachos when I visit home again (:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPnnsgKJduo

I had already hiked 9 miles or so
There was another 9 to the Silva Pass/Dry Creek trail head

But if I could Just get six miles to the road before it was too dark I'd be able to hike that in the moonlight.
This was pretty important as I forgot my flashlight and my phone was low on energy.
Plus, I needed that phone energy to take photos!

These trails are well maintained and nice and flat so I can really Blaze 'em
So I knew I could make it!

Mountain Biking around here looks exceptionally fun, too

Lonely Moon Theory:
She has read, both poem and book, but prefers to Just keep doin' her Do and See how it all plays out and what becomes of me.

Guess which way I went

Bits n' Pieces Theory:
Is aware of writings, has skimmed some sections, and considers me obsessed—potentially dangerous. Too busy to invest more time. Likely to read one day.

Promise to Stay Friends Forever Law
Proven

Canada Theory:
"Oh, there's this guy who's infatuated with me. I guess he wrote a book about me, or whatever. I'll read it sometime, maybe."

Cold as Ice Theory:
She gives 0 fucks and wouldn't blink if I died.
Has not will not read.

Divine Act of God Theory.

Bastion Theory:
I Have to Build it, first.
What I Create with My Bare Hands is the Measure of My Self
So if I can Build it
They'll Come
And See their Home.

Death Theory:

I'm not going to make it.

Even with Jesus supporting me I can't get a solid grasp on my mental health and the lonesomeness just keeps stacking heavier and heavier and with No Love No Everything I Need from a Woman
DON'T TELL ME WHAT I NEED I KNOW WHAT I NEED I'M A MAN DAMN IT
I'll snap at the wrong time

Like when I'm in the middle of the wilderness alone low on water no food not having eaten in five days and do something beyond reckless and get myself Killed and I'll Die wondering how that'll make Everyone Feel and Regretting not having had the strength to make it to You.

As I trekked through the darkness, I asked myself the Question:

What would break my Celibacy?

Well firstly, She'd have to be Perfect.
Like, Straight outta My Dreams Everything I've Always Needed and Wanted Perfect.
We'd also have to connect pretty much right away.
Fireworks and Butterflies
Secondly, I'd have to be Low.
God would have to really put me through the wringer
Just Beat Me down for a few days
Strand me in the Desert maybe
Wait 'til I'm weeping like, "Oh why hast thou forsaken me!?"
Then She shows up
So I can't even Protect myself I'm in pieces I'm dying and I Need Her Help to LIVE

No room for Doubt
I'd have to completely believe that God was saying to me
"SON. WE ARE SORRY ABOUT HOW THINGS WORKED OUT WITH HER.
THIS DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU AND WILL EASE YOUR MIND.
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY."
'Cause if I thought for a second that by pursuing a new Lover it could come to Hurt Her or Lose whatever slim chance I may yet have at reaching the Dreams I still carry of Her and I
Together
Then All the Walls are gonna go up and guess what I've been studying Wall Building so these are fucking phenomenal Walls.
Honestly Trump should be hiring Me to Build the Mexico border Wall.
Nobody builds better Walls than Me.
And that would just cut off whatever that Love could have become
Like snipping a flower at the Root.

So I'd break my vow for the right girl
in the right way
at the right place.
But I probably wouldn't Feel Good about it.
I wouldn't Feel Good about my Self.
I'd lose my integrity.
I'd lose any chance I have at being with Her.
So that's not what I'm asking for.
I won't even let my Self try.
I have to Wait.

I have to Be Alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CxprMjOQ5A



From my Journal:

Day 6 without Food
I'm not exceptionally hungry
(Only 'cause I'm not thinking about it—give me food I'll eat!)
But I'm Sore and Tired
My sleep wasn't as restful as I hoped it would be.
My Sweat formed condensation inside the bag which became cold and wouldn't ya know it—Cold Feet.
Couldn't sleep for a while
So there's the Vulture Arch to Sterling Pass trail - 3.6 miles - then I'm done, on 89
Difficult Enough
Or I can go up Dry Creek jump off-trail at the creek, and follow it up the mountain.
I put my backpack down for Bear Mountain and it was hard enough
So I don't even know if the creek is passable/climbable, let alone if I can even do it
No, of course I can Do it. If it's Possible.
It's Just gonna take all day, otherwise I'll have to turn around and come back.
This is My Difficult<- ->Extreme Choice
I Want to Push myself to My Limits.
I'm almost there!
One Final Mountain!
This is The Last Boss of Sedona!


Is that blue line passable?
Only one way to find out!

The Dry Creek trail was aptly named
Small pools of water led to moderate swarms of mosquito
It was a pretty fun trail zig-zagging again and again over the creek

At this point I was very sore and pretty darn tired too
Part of me was enjoying every step
And another part of me Just wanted to be Done.

Maybe if I had more Water
Maybe if I was at 100%
Maybe if I had a Machete
The very beginning of the creek was so thick with brush I couldn't proceed at all
So I was thankful I made the "Extreme" choice and went for it
But I deemed climbing here impossible

So I had to Double Back to Sterling Pass
Tacked on an extra five miles of hiking
But with that out of the way

Just One Final Challenge remained

Cool Natural Arch

With no protein in my system my legs hadn't healed too much from Thunder or Bear
So climbing this was Brutal
I was thankful though that this area apparently has a lot more water running through it
So there was much more growth and that means much more shade!

Sterling Pass
East

This has been an amazing experience
Sedona is Beautiful, as expected
I really wanted to challenge myself and test myself in a meaningful way and HIKE Sedona as much as possible in a much more "authentic" sort of way than just a short day-hike

Mission Two:
Complete!

I finished the last of my water on the way down

Then my phone died

Another mile or so of downhill and I made it to the Road

It was actually like 8 more miles up the road but the Hike was officially over and that road is narrow af so I stuck my thumb out as I was walking and it took less than five minutes for an amazing couple who happened to be passing by to pick me up and share in my moment of Victory.

Thanks so much Peter and Jessi!

You really Saved me!
Sorry I didn't have any of your Blueberries or Almond Butter

That was My Final Test.

For you see, I had to break my fast with...

It was odd actually
I didn't even feel hungry
But I definitely enjoyed immensely the breaking of my 6 day fast with this PB recipe...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMwuUgnRv0M



 BitterSweet Chocolate Almond Chunk!
Dark Chocolate Chips ~ Whole Almonds ~ Dried Cherries ~ Rolled Oats
Almond Extract ~ Honey
30% Cinnamon 30% Ginger 20% Turmeric 20% 5 Spice

https://www.instagram.com/justice_peanutbutter/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaF7rXatU9E

omg I Love this Dog

Nice to meet you too Chia.

Okay, uhmmmm, let's See...

Ta~Da!
Another HUGE THANK YOU to Antoinette and Mario for Giving me so much and making All This Possible!
You two are awesome and I'll be sure to reach out and come visit again when I return to Sedona!

For now it's back into Town
Just gotta get LionHeart checked out, report my Victory, and say bye to my Friends—then head out!

I could totally live in Sedona
No not in a House
All the coolest folk here are "Homeless"
i.e. camping in the woods on the outskirts of town
They hike into town every day and make art and gather food/supplies and chill out
Rangers harass them now and then but otherwise it sounds like pretty awesome living

Some of the locals I've spoken with aren't too excited about the vistas

I guess no matter how beautiful it is ya can get used to it

Especially if you don't appreciate it

All downhill back into town!
Woooooo!

When I come back I'll HIKE Sedona again and explore even more!

It'll Be Great!

Gotta make 'em happen!

United We Stand

Thanks to my Aunt Dorothy for recommending this spot!
I wanted to try their dessert but it'd of Just made me sad doing so alone and thus been a waste of money
But that's Just one more thing to Save for the Future!
Plus I met a bunch of cool folk just outside of it which was pretty swell.

!!!
javelina fren!

The Dream hasn't Ended Yet

That She Cares is The Dream.

So is The Ride
That I can Do it.
That I can Make it!

Heard there was a Dance Party goin' on
Figured that'd be a great way to conclude my time in Sedona

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBaLzmBfHgA

I started off to the side of the crowd in the corner on the room
I wanted to Just Dance by myself to get into that free-flowing internal space.
Also, I wanted to display to anyone who might notice, that I Dance like a Maniac
So Watch Out!
Once I was feeling it I advanced into the crowd
Sometimes swiftly moving to an open space when an empty pocket would appear, thereby claiming the space
Sometimes aggressively by pushing people out of their space by Dancing ferociously near them, slowly claiming space as others back away from me
I try to Dance with everyone—Guys and Gals, older younger
I Want to have an Interaction on the Dance floor
I Want to Feel some sort of Energy between Us
I Want to encourage someone to really go all out!
I Want to challenge someone to challenge me!
I Want a Dance-Off!
So as I Dance I'm always looking for eye-contact
Once that is made I can express something with the body movements, in Dance
Not too many folk here wanted to Dance with me though
So I made my way to the front—Dancing right in front of the DJ is a very strategic position
That's because at any time, one can turn their back to the rabble and Dance with/against the DJ
That's a good move to do when the people around You won't Dance with You

The Dance floor is a Battle
A couple days later a Brother complained to me about my dancing
Thought I was being inconsiderate
I had routed him away form the front and took the glory!
Haha! Too Bad!
If You don't like it Come at me Bro!

So yeah, pretty good night

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzcQxRr1cSw

I checked out Service at The Cowboy Church
I had a phenomenal Time!

So I was all but ready to leave Sedona
Just wanted to get LionHeart a little tune-up before the desert
"Wow, yeah. This tire won't make it through the desert. It'll collapse and you'll be stranded."

My Missions were complete and I'm really rarin' to get to The Coast at last
But hey Sedona is awesome so I ain't gonna complain about bein' stuck here haha!

Back at Steady Rhythms I devote a day to art and try to bust out as many pipes as possible in the hopes of selling a few.
A new Sister I meet there Gives Me one of her handmade medicine pouches as I etch her name into bamboo.
She's Gorgeous.
I have an elaborate system of internal processes to end any sexual thoughts and etch any new Woman I meet into my consciousness as a Sister

As she drives away, me sitting on the porch working on some pipes
I Feel like an Old Man...

After crafting for hours I ended up Giving away All the Pipes I made
Great Job!
And even though I had ordered it more than a week ago my new violin bow hadn't arrived at Steady Rhythms yet
So I headed to the ACE Hardware to ask folk goin' in and out if they,
"Needed any help with any projects they're workin' on."
Met some cool folk
Eventually a man named George said,
"Yeah. Ride on over to {here}. We'll find some work for you to do."

Noice.

The first day was some Good Hard Work
A whole bunch of old rotting wood
Needed to be dismantled and thrown away

Ta~Da!
Dismantling is Fun!


I set it up with George that I'd Just sleep right on the grounds and wake up and get to work first thing.
The sound of the Creek was lovely

Some people pay like hundreds of dollars a night every night they travel for a room


This place used to be a community or something I guess

It's really wild looking now most of the buildings here are in some state of disrepair
So the whole area looks like some ancient Ruins

It's apparently being fixed up to be a Wedding Venue or something
That'll be nice.

I order the part right away with the pay from the first day
But there's a lot of work around to do and I have to wait a few days for the part to come in so I take the opportunity to make a few extra dollars

On the second day we drove out into the Forest
Like literally off-road just into the Forest
George hops out and Just starts Hiking onward
We follow him for like an hour or so as he zig-zags around
Seemingly looking for something
Until finally
"Here it is!


This Beautiful Dead Old Tree
I was the last one to have the pleasure of sitting underneath it

Before George took out several chainsaws and completely took the thing apart.
It was between 500-700 years old.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYvEJAuLpkc

I later learned local government actually promotes the populace to remove dried lumber from the Forest as it will help reduce Forest Fires.
Well I guess that's something even The Trees can agree with...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaVW-e7yErA

The Dream is Enough.

Even if You don't believe in any of the above
One thing is definitely True
The Greater Our Ability to Control Our Mind is
The Greater Our Ability to Control Our Selves

I'm more a fan of:
http://d1f83aa4yffcdn.cloudfront.net/INV/protective%20sphere.jpg
You have to pay life but if you can filter mana then it's way more useful than CoP: White
Or if You have Blue mana You can have a CoP with Sleight of Mind, Alter Reality, Whim of Volrath, or some other color-in-text changing spell.
CoP: White obviously isn't going to help You if Your opponent is all Black and You don't want to waste Your draw

Imagine if You had this Ability and received knowledge that You wouldn't otherwise know all the time
What would You then Do with that information?
How might that knowledge effect Your choices?

Everyone is Magic
Some are Just more or less Aware of it


Some have a mish-mash of random cards they like
Some have a highly tuned specific set of honed spells that synergistically works towards their desired purposes


I Want to Protect my Sisters
My Spells are All Crafted to Do Just that


Language is Magic
Every Word a Spell
As I travel and meet folk I Express and Promote Worship of and Respect for the Divine Feminine
I literally challenge men when they express misogynistic ideas


I try to inspire and guide my Brothers to a place of Strength, Self-Control, and Care
That's where Love is.

~Painting by Luther Flowers

Art is Magic

The magic is in how the Ideas the Art express effect people's Consciousness

How We interact with The World effects how We Move through it
It is always Good and oh so important to Be Grateful for what you have
Whether it's a House and a Family
Or a Bicycle and the Horizon

Thanks to all the guys at the Over The Edge Bike Shop for taking Care of Me and My Lionheart!
Brand New Tire
Ready to-go!

Well okaaaay one more fun night out before I head out

Well okaaaay one more Sunday service before I head out


Well okaaaay one more stay at a classy Bed and Breakfast before I head out
Thank you SO SO MUCH Bret and Rebekah!
This was So Amazing!!!
I really really appreciated the space and the shower and the rest!

Well okaaaay one more day of odd-job work before I head out

Even if I don't have to
Even if it's a totally Free Gift
I Still Want to Give back if I can

There are many positive rewards one gains naturally through this

Like Beholding this Beauty

The Satisfaction of a Job Well Done

Learning Just through Observation


That feeling of having Earned one's meal through Good Hard Work

This Wall of Rocks here is man-made!
It's like Water Masonry!

The Rocks were stacked here to reroute some of the flowing water from Oak Creek down a man-made ditch

Water from the stream is then pumped up into the homes
Good System!

Or through just some simple pipage and gravity into the garden beds!
The man-made stream is the same stream that waters the farm I worked on with Mario and Antoinette!
Before heading out I stopped here one last time.
Collected some special mulberries
They were all dried from the sun and Perfect


I Miss Leo ),:
(And Roger and Rudy)

tiny shoe

Food is Art too!

Choco-Mushroom Peanut Almond Jazz

50% Peanut 50% Almond Butter
Whole Almonds
Healthy Mushroom Powders
Cacao Powder
Hemp Protein Powder (Optional)

I'm still working on this one
Currently experimenting with dried shiitake
Will post results in the future

Filled up my Water here one last time
I really wanted to eat here but I decided to save the experience for when I return
The prayer over the water
"100% Hope"

Serene, I fold my hands and wait,

Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;

I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,

For lo! my own shall come to me.

I stay my haste, I make delays,

For what avails this eager pace?

I stand amid the eternal ways,

And what is mine shall know my face.

Asleep, awake, by night or day,

The friends I seek are seeking me;

No wind can drive my bark astray,

Nor change the tide of destiny.

What matter if I stand alone?

I wait with joy the coming years;

My heart shall reap where it hath sown,

And garner up its fruit of tears.

The waters know their own and draw

The brook that springs in yonder height;

So flows the good with equal law

Unto the soul of pure delight.

The stars come nightly to the sky;

The tidal wave unto the sea;

Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,

Can keep my own away from me. 

~John Burroughs

Sedona is named after a great woman who helped form the town.
On my way out of town I left an offering in front of her statue, praying that Her and Her would become Great Women like Ms. Sedona and that if I could help them grow towards that then I hoped I'd be able to and so I hoped that they'd both be in my life again and all be friends and we'd visit Sedona together one day.

Then God reminded Me of Her.
I prayed for Hertoo.
I can't help Her I can't Give to HerI couldn't Save Her
A Woman I Loved—Love—who was—is—a Part of Me—was Judged and Cast Down and there is Nothing I can Say or Do.
It Just Hurts
Phenomenally
Whenever I think upon it
Nothing but Pain.

The Final Challenge now lies ahead of me
Another Mountain Range, then a Desert, then a harder Desert.
I used to be afraid of that.
Back in Illinois, when my knee was breaking on me, I became convinced I wouldn't Survive the desert.
Imagining dying without being with Her again filled me with regret
That's one of the reasons I went back home and pursued Her.
My emotions for Her were so Deep and Passionate and meant so much to Me
If it wasn't Love, I don't know what is.
But it wasn't the Right thing to Do.
I should have Chosen Her
I should have Pursued Her
That Passion and Depth and Meaning existed with Her too, but I had accepted Her "Just Friends" proposal, perhaps too easily, and undergone about 3,000 miles of internal work to accept that.
Messing up the Meteorite Moment changed our Destinies...
Can I Be Forgiven?
The Seed Her and I had planted was True and Beautiful
How was I supposed to Know...
That there wasn't room for it in either of our Gardens...

I'm not afraid anymore
Of The Desert.
Of Dying.

I'm Not Afraid Anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqJoVlnmdFQ