What is the difference between Community and Family?

     Journal:
     My brother was home from Eastern this week. He spent most of his nights going out, but he stayed in a few times and we were able to catch up. Days later, we repeated the reconnection with the whole family. 'Twas reminiscent of times past, when the four of us were always home.
     A gal I had been hoping to connect with for a while finally made some plans with me. I joined Gina and her group of friends to a fun night out at Toad's. Being thrown into the midst of an intimate social group of which I only knew one person was a great experience. Having a gift as a peace offering helped too (cookies yaay). Seeing people interact with other people they are close to told me a lot about who they are, and I was able to learn a lot about a lot of people in a short time. I didn't end up talking with Gina too much, but I talked with her enough to learn what I needed to learn from her. Thanks Gina for that, and for the great night out!
     The very next day (ugh how do some people do this every week?) I went to another show at Toad's! (See story).
     After all that I was pretty down. Stagnating or wasting time is bad enough, but being set back from our goals is particularly demoralizing. I sort of moped about much of the day, trying to find someone online to chat with that would help inspire some reflection. Thanks to the battery on my mouse dying, I was able to peel myself away from my computer to mope about in the real world looking for the same thing. I of course found none other than my family, who were doing exactly the same thing as me at the time (for their own reasons I'm sure). It's actually miraculous just how quickly my mood shifted once I got the idea. I went from drained of energy and sullen to curling my dumbell and exuberant within minutes from each other. The idea, of course, was to gather the family and reconnect, as mentioned above. My mother, Brother, and I all smoked, chatted, reflected, reminisced, and shared bread pudding. Father joined us later and played his guitar. Now I think I'm generally pretty self-expressive, but I realized that my dad is on a whole other level. Being able to so eloquently and unabashedly express oneself in real-time is a huge goal of mine.
     My week ended, as they have been recently, with Claire and I spending quality time together. Though our initial plans went awry, we made the most of it and had, as ever, a wonderful time.


     Reflection:
     I realized that I have not "caught up" with my brother, well, ever. I recall returning from college, him having started High School, and both of us being quite different. The spunky little kid that played video games with me and was a vegetarian solely because I was (obviously!) had a short baseball phase, but then got into hip-hop and outlandish facebook comments and gaffs. I didn't know what to make of him then, nor did I know how to adequately express to him the changes that I underwent. I subsequently treated him as another member of the family that I knew loved and cared for me, but wasn't so involved in my life that they necessarily knew what was going on with me or what I was struggling and striving for.
     This certainly doesn't apply to everyone, but I think some of us like to just put our best foot forward for our family. We don't want them to worry, we want them to be proud of us, etc. Whatever the reason, this sort of "positive appearance only" policy has the effect of slowly estranging us from our loved ones. Maybe that's what some people want, but ideally we could be honest and open about our lives with the people closest to us. That's a good ideal to strive for.
    

     Story:
     Just about every month, a local Grateful Dead cover band called Shakedown plays a free show at Toad's Place. The show is always amazing, the people that show up are generally exceedingly friendly, and the whole scene is something I guess I just really dig. It's always a great time! So, the final show before my departure, I was definitely not going to miss it. There's a lot of people that I've met there over the months that I wanted to see one last time. Actually, being accepted by this group of people had been important to me in recent months. While I wouldn't go so far as to say I became a member of the community, I was definitely well received. So, despite there being a first-day-of-Spring blizzard that night, I suited up and rode through the storm to get to the show!
     Some friends I invited, including Noah (my omgbff since 7th grade), changed their minds about coming due to the weather. I felt little sympathy after I peddled for more than two hours in it, but whatever! I love getting to these shows early because when the first band starts to play, usually there's no one on the floor, and I love to be the first one dancing. It's really cool seeing how going up alone can inspire people to get out of their chairs. That, and everybody there becomes aware of my amazing moves, and seems to consider me the coolest bean in the pot.
     From the moment I arrived to the end of the night, I encountered people I'd been meeting there and at similar local events for months. Most people expressed sadness to see me go, but also awe at my endeavour. There was one pair of women I had not seen since November. Back then I had let one of them borrow a scarf my uncle had given me. She left with it that night back to their home in Massachusetts. I finally encountered them again, and she returned the scarf. We danced together at some point, and I invited them to hang out after. They weren't feeling it I guess, but I walked them to their car when they left, and that's a suitable ending to that story for me.
     I returned to the show and danced 'til the music stopped. Just letting it out feels amazing. I had, unfortunately, completely forgotten about my bag I left under a bench, which contained by helmet, jacket, and cell phone, among other things. After the show I went to get it, but it was gone! I couldn't believe anyone could steal it... But it was no where to be found. It was snowing again, softly. The wind cut right through the sweater I was wearing. Everyone from the show had gone, and there I was cold and alone in the gently falling snow on the streets of New Haven. My friends I invited hadn't come, the people I was meeting there didn't want to pursue a connection with me, and my things were all gone... All except for, inside my pocket, my ID, debit card, and... The keys to Claire's place.
     I jogged through the snow, feeling down, yet alive. There was a lesson here, and if I could stop feeling sorry for myself I could see it. Well, I think I understood the lesson, but when Claire opened her door with an excited smile, I can not describe the emotions I felt. I had messed up, and was in quite the jam, but not only was Claire there to provide me with all of my basic needs, she did so happily. The emotions inspired by this act made me realize just how much I was going to miss her. She does so much for me, and asks so little in return. I helped her with laundry and we chatted over tea about my time, but I was exhausted, and then soon became overwhelmed with fatigue.
     Claire disappeared for work the next morning. I awoke much later and started getting myself ready to leave. Claire left a note that I shouldn't ride home without my helmet and that she would drive me later, but I couldn't accept that and headed out when I was ready. Besides, I needed the ride to clear my head. My father happened to drive by me though, and even with the warmth of the sun I was rather cold... So I ended up getting a ride home anyways.


     Poetry:
     Firstly, this collaboration with a man named "Max."
     Though I love the whole hippie scene, it is often made up of a rather specific type of person. I won't pretend to know about the proclivities of personality types in regards to who goes to what shows, but I can not help but notice that the majority of Jam Rock show attendees are white (at least here in Connecticut). So outside Toad's, there were three African-American men hanging around, trying to talk with people. Certainly, there were some people that did talk to them. As for people that didn't perhaps it was because they were obviously pan handling for free cigarettes, trying to get into the show for free, and hitting on young women. Regardless of their intentions though, I didn't want these men to feel excluded because of the color of their skin, so I went over and chatted with them. I mentioned I was from the area, and he inquired if I was born at Yale New Haven Hospital. When I said I was, he shared this bit of wisdom, which I felt was particularly poetic, and so transcribed here.

     "Hospital name (if applicable) and/or street address"

     We are Yale babies. We come from Yale. We will always be Yale. But we will never go to Yale. We will never walk inside its buildings; never get past its walls. Yale gave birth to us but Yale don't love us.




     Also, this poem ain't done.
     It's the sort of poem that aught not be finished:

     "blah"

     My road is blocked
     by some unseen force
     my actions a waste
     my direction off course.
     The goal is still clear
     yet I can not seem to find
     my spirit to guide me
     impart reason and rhyme.
     I sulk and I mope
     lost in my own abode
     doors now closed to me
     my memories erode.
     Sunk in some slippery pit!
     Escape entirely cordoned
     Slumping into walls of mud
     my measly lot bemoaned.
     Though I feel an island
     I struggle not alone.
     Many such travelers
     held in place by a groan.

The next goal is maintaining the self-aware state of mind when exhausted, hungry, and uncomfortable.

     Journal:
     This week started off slow. I stayed up too late writing the last entry here and then didn't have the energy to ride up to see my ol' friend Jason in the morning. I did, however, make it the 12 miles to meet Julie, a young woman that I had been chatting online with for a while. She liked my poetry and that's coooool, so even though I don't really have the time to explore new connections now, I thought I might be able to share some wisdom with her and help her with her troubles. At first she didn't know what to make of me, sweaty and covered in mud as I walked into the Dunkin' Donuts (lol). After we chatted for a while though and walked down the street, something musta made up her mind 'cause she really started digging me. She bought me nachos (sweet!) and started playing with my hair and stuff haha. So a long while ago, I'd of been super pumped about potential physical relations with any gal that seemed interested in me, but I really just wanted to share some wisdom with this girl, so we had a nice chat and that was that. I'm proud of myself for how far I have come. My success here was reassuring to me though as I'll be counting on my charisma at times during my journey. Whether someone likes me or not could be the difference between a warm bed and a roof or a cold night in the rain.
     The week continued slowly and even though I felt like I was using my time wisely to prepare, I could not concretely see those preparations so I started worrying I was procrastinating or something. A couple friends came to visit me and that was nice, which left me feeling inspired. I also saw and said goodbye to my finale mentee, Carlos. I was able to share some wisdom with him which I hope will guide him in the right direction, at least a little bit. He actually started listening to me for once haha.
     Saturday night was a real tipping point though. I got most of my stuff I want to sell onto ebay, I revised my couchsurfing and okc profile, I made a public trip to my first stop Philadelphia, I contacted someone through warmshowers (CS for cyclists), and I started my pack list! All these steps together made me really feel like I was on target. I even bid on this totally cool old compass on ebay!
     Sunday was the St. Patrick's Day Parade. It was unfortunately really cold and I did not dress warmly enough. Living in the moment and achieving a self-aware "with-it" state of mind are difficult to attain when basic needs aren't met. I rode around New Haven for a while just taking in the energy of the city. I was looking for some friends but a lot of people didn't come. Claire did though! So it turned out to be less the gathering of friends I was hoping for and another nice time with Claire. It is so wonderful to have people that bring light and positivity into your life. All we have to do is return that in kind and the world will be a groovy place!


     Reflection:
     The key to controlling our emotions is to know where they come from. When we feel an emotion, it is important to ask ourselves why. Why do we feel this way? Where does this emotion come from? For example, why does it make us angry to see a person ______? Exploring our sub-conscious and finding the answers to why we tick is, I believe, the secret to awakening ourselves.
     There is a certain person I want to become. This is my "ideal self." I want my attitude to be infallible. I want my energy to be limitless. I want to give love freely and openly. However, if I never control my emotions, never learn to push myself, and just do as my body pleases at all times, how will I become this person?
     Human beings are truly capable of accomplishing anything. Chaos and chance play a factor, but nothing has as large an effect on a persons destiny as their own actions. What stops people though from accomplishing their goals is less the world and more themselves. Self-doubt, depression, fear... Imagine if an individual was so in-touch with their own emotions that they could control them consciously? That person could do anything.


     Story:
     So Claire and I headed to a wooded area that I used to explore as a child. Being there was very nostalgic and lots of memories came flooding back. The place was a lot different though. Paths I previously remembered were blocked by overgrowth, there were several tents erected in the woods now, and everything was a whole lot smaller. That being said, the area was unchanged enough to give me very vivid flashbacks.
     I remembered eating mulberries off a tree and raspberries straight from a bush. That was stupendous. I remember swinging on vines from a hill and swinging into a tree. Ouch! I recalled that slowly, over time, I expanded the distance which I would travel into the woods. Every time I crossed a line I had not crossed before, I would feel a mixture of excitement, fear, and wonder. This is where my love of exploring comes from!


     Poetry:
     I revised my okc and cs profiles. Here are a couple lines from them. I think poetry is just taking words and using them in interesting ways. Not that I'm doing anything too interesting with the words here; I just mean to say that poetry has a wide range of definition. Also interesting, when you put something on these profiles, it is specifically for other people to see. Every word, whether people realize it or not, is saying something about you. When I look at profiles of people, I think, "What does this say about who they are?" or "What were they really trying to tell visitors by writing this?" These questions can be applied to whenever we express ourselves to another person, not just online either. We can learn a lot about someone just by watching their actions and how they express themselves. These questions should also be asked of ourselves as well. We can learn a lot about ourselves just by watching our own actions.

     I am on a journey.
     I am exploring places I have never been.
     I am meeting people I have never met.
     I am learning things I never knew.
     I am living my life in a way I have always wanted to,
     but have also been too afraid to.
     I am not afraid anymore.
     I am on my journey!
     ---------------
     I am currently in pursuit of something.
     I do not know what it is but I know it is a great thing.
     My eyes see stars and my hands are my wings.
     My feet are on fire and my legs are impenetrable.
     When I have a goal, nothing will stop me.
     My goal is to cross this country on my bike.
     I'll let you know when I get there.

Weekly journal entries are difficult to keep up with but extremely beneficial!

     Journal:
     An eventful first week of not having a job! Feels so much longer than a week (that's a good sign that you're doing things right). Well the week started off slow with lots of time on the computer putting things on ebay and getting the car ready for Adam (he still hasn't contacted me about it yet though. I need to turn the plates in then I can't drive it around). On Wednesday though I broke my stasis and meet up with the couchsurfers again. That infusion of energy was worth the effort, and I was able to crash at Claire's place and avoided the rain. Next day I pedalled through a snow storm to hang out with Sandra and then to see Noah. I also bid farewell to my ol' boss Gretchen. Friday was another computer day. Saturday I got a bit stressed out as I was late leaving my home to see my mentee by -three- hours. As punishment, the wind was against me and I got a flat tire and this $10 mp3 player I got hardly works but whatever! I made it to Jordan and we had a great final meeting. I'm gonna miss that kid, but I think he'll be okay.
     I got a flat tire (see story) on the way back. Next day I made it to Richard to say goodbye (and reflected how much energy I poured into helping him-it was rough sometimes. The world needs a lot of help). Afterwards I spent a wonderful evening with Claire, then we had our long planned Monday adventure! Unfortunately we got distracted in her bed and only spent an hour at the Peabody but it was still great!! After dinner we went to the poetry reading where Rosalyn met us (see story). We all walked to Claire's house afterward were Rosalyn sort of imposed on Claire for a place (I took Claire aside and asked her myself). She didn't mean to, but Rosalyn didn't seem to understand at the time how putting yourself in a tough/risky position in front of people that care about you kind of compels them to act. Anyways, we went to what was left of the Of Montreal show (Got in for free, thanks Beej!) which was cool, then went to a 24-hour hot bar and just talked about stuff, like the situation earlier, for a couple hours. It took some time but she seemed to understand and accept my point of view. That was good.
     Because the talk went so well we sort of reconnected there and plan to see each, probably just one last time, soon. We walked together through the cold deserted streets of New Haven at about 4am back to Claire's safe and warm abode. There is a big difference between being out in the cold and in a warm space just like there is a big difference between being out in the open and sleeping behind a closed and latched door.


     Reflection:
     This week, I read an article that expressed the idea that men are being held-back by traditional forms of masculinity. The article wasn't that well written or anything, but I was surprised at how defensive and rude several of the comments were (and it is worthy to note these are facebook connected comments, so no anonymity!) I'll have a link to the article here and you can find all my comments if you want, but I'm just going to copy/paste some of my favorite thoughts here. First, the article:
http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/what-means-to-be-a-man/958158/

     "Mr. Haltiwanger here isn't saying Men should be more feminine. He's saying those terms themselves are outdated and we should drop ridiculous notions that "women do laundry" and "men get in fights."

Think about it like this: There is nothing inherently feminine about doing laundry. Not only can any man operate a washing machine, they too also need their clothes to be cleaned.
Vice versa, there is nothing inherently masculine about fighting. Women can become enraged and angry and fight too. Youtube it if you don't believe me.
The reason those two things, and everything else that does, fall under femininity or masculinity is because of how we are socialized, not because of some inherent genetic pre-disposition.
And we can all agree we're not cavemen any more right?

As for expressions of emotion, this too is not inherently masculine or feminine. We learn what are acceptable ways of expressing emotion and some men are taught not to express it at all.
Ever had a shitty day, then talked to a friend about it, and felt a little better?
Well, some guys out there never talk about it. Now I'm not saying that because of never expressing themselves those guys are just one flat tire away from snapping or something, but I am positing that it has some effect on them and that it's not positive.
Put it another way, let's say there's a man out there that is so moved by something he has seen, whether it's his child taking their first steps or a double-rainbow, that he weeps tears of joy. Well some people think this makes him less of a man (and I think that's preposterous).
Now let's say one of those men that thinks crying will make him him less of a man sees his child's first steps, and he is emotionally moved, but because he believes he can not express his emotions, he shuts himself off from them. Now that's what I call manly! Well actually no it is not, but some might. Whatever you call it though, this man is missing out on feeling an experience in life, and that is tragic.
How being shut off from ones own emotions affects someone is up to each individual, as [was] said about our multi dimensionality of experience. However, imagine that some men (not ALL men) shut off from their emotions learn that it is okay to "fuck" and they can get all of their emotional needs (that they don't understand or admit they have) from that. Well is it any wonder that violence against women is so prominent with these kinds of ideologies roaming around?"


     "People, women included, are attracted to other people that have traits or characteristics that they wish to learn or admire. Women do not want to be submissive and docile, they want to be just like anyone else, equal. Women are attracted to this domineering sort of behavior because they want to learn how to be like that. They already know how to be compassionate and etc.

Of course, if you only look at someone’s physical characteristics when determining attraction (i.e. objectifying them) then traits and characteristics and interests and passions and favorite colors don't matter, do they?"

 
     " "I do believe that this mentality, the mentality that men must be strong silent warriors that have no emotion, is truly holding us back."

Now let's be clear, that traditional image of a man as a strong silent warrior is great, and there's nothing wrong with promoting that or for boys to seek to become that as they grow, but there are two problems:

1. Not every boy needs to be a strong silent warrior. There are many mature and complete human beings that boys can look up to and seek to emulate. Einstein, Beethoven, Shakesphere, Jesus Christ! None of these men were the Strong Silent Warrior but they were all amazing and contributed to the world greatly. If we say to every boy that they must be like the Strong Silent Warrior, we stifle those that may have been able to become a great scientist, humanitarian, artist, etc.

2. We do need warriors however. War is an unfortunate reality in our world and without any warriors how will we as a people survive? I believe it is this thought that other ideas, such as, "[The strong silent warrior mentality is] the reason humanity has, thus far, succeeded" come from. If we did not have any Strong Warriors then we would be defeated by evil forces. But I ask you, what is the difference between a "Good" warrior and an "evil" warrior. Is it just "Us" vs. "them"?
Well I believe that a "Good" warrior has more than just the fist, he has the heart as well. A "good" warrior has morals and a code of honor and ethics. He does not wantonly engage in destruction, he defends that and those which are precious to him when he must. It is this group of people that I suppose we can agree upon which has brought humanity this far.
But now I ask you, how does one create a "good" warrior instead of an "evil" one? Well, there is definitely no one answer, but our morals come from our emotions. We have empathy and sympathy for others because we can feel it! Compassion, love, care; all emotions! If one has no emotions at all, what is to stop them from using their strength to take what they want from whomever?

I say, men should be strong. I say, women should be strong too. I say, no one need be silent. I say, let those who seek to be warriors be warriors, and let those that choose another path go their own way. And I say, warrior or otherwise, men should feel their emotions and understand them: But still remain ready to defend themselves and their loved ones and their countries from any and all threats.

I say, a true man sheds tears for his enemies as they fall, because he understands that we are all brothers, but still does what must be done to live."


     Story:
     So on my way through Orange coming home I get my second flat tire of the day. Awesome. It's about 8pm Saturday night and it's pretty cold and I'm just on the side of route 1 with a flat tire and a couple pieces of fruit in an unseasonable pair of track pants. So what do I do but start walking, of course. As I make my way towards New Haven, and then onward to the folks' home in Guilford, I send out some texts. I need to be back in New Haven in the morn anyways, so it'd be cool to just crash somewhere. But as luck would have it, it's Saturday night and everyone is busy or not responding! I leapfrog from one air pump to the next, the tire deflating faster each time, but after one station's air pump was broken and the next didn't have one, my need for safety and warmth became greater than my need for adventure, and I sent my mother a text... Next thing I knew father was on his way to get me.
     *Sigh* Calling upon the parents help because you didn't prepare enough/didn't have enough connections/weren't strong enough/got super unlucky really feels like a defeat. But what can I say, there's a cost to pushing yourself so hard and I didn't want to pay that (My Sunday woulda been f'd!) As I waited for my father though, proving once again to me that things happen for a reason, I wandered into that new place I found last week, Neverending Books. Figured I'd check it out and warm up. Sure enough, there were some kind people inside and I met and talked with the owner Roger, who seemed very cool. He told me about a poetry reading, that I was then determined to attend.
     So continuing the trend, I hitched a ride back to New Haven with my mom as she went into work the next morn (so much for not needing cars). I hung out at Archie Moore's a bit before heading out. I met up with Claire and we ended up having a real nice time grocery shopping and getting lunch. After Richard we also had a nice evening making dinner together, and had one of Claire's neighbours over too. Cool!
     So I got high and had an amazing time, as usual, with Claire eating cheese and crackers and avacado. I was so inspired ideas were just pouring out of me onto the pages of my notebook. I didn't want it to end! But it was our goal to go to the Peabody (plus it just wouldn't be as memorable if we didn't make it) so we eventually ripped ourselves outta bed to go! We were there for less than an hour but it was an awesome hour! Most importantly, I learned I want to get high and go to as many museums as possible in my travels! What a great idea! Museums will help keep me inspired and learning.
     So after dinner and preparing Claire and I headed to the Poetry reading. After a bit they got started, and it was amazing. People were sharing ideas and talking to each other. The energy was peaceful and inspiring. I not only shared a poem (see below) but shared a story, another poem, and a reflection! Actually it is because there was another man there who was clearly on a different level. He went up and gave the background to the poem, then spoke it. I felt this gave a deeper meaning to his poem, or at least helped us understand it better, as his words came fast and were deep! (Like I said, he was on another level)! There was also a group meditation, which I had no idea what to think of before but recognize now as a spiritual event of togetherness. I do not know what to make of it yet, but I know it is something I would like to be able to be a part of. This was such an amazing experience, I plan on seeking places like Neverending Books and poetry-readings along my way, sharing and experiencing words. These places are the museums of the spirit!


     Poetry:
     Here's the poem I read first at Neverending Books! This is a poem I wrote on Thanksgiving. I was seeing my family as a new being, and feeling very inspired about just about everything that was going on with me. I was reflecting on ideas in society, and how they're not all ideas you want to have, and how we buy into them (or some of them) anyways. So with the poem I was kind of trying to make a connection to how we buy too many things too, and just pay out to anything that's sold to us, and in return we have both clutter in our space and in our minds. We are then constantly trying to sort useful from useless crap and get the most for our money from purchases that were a mistake, so we never get rid of anything because we don't want to have wasted our money or our time/brain power on these things and ideas. We hold on to them as tightly as possible and thus stagnate, and stop improving and growing, and thus never reach our full-potential. Still a working title:

     "We Buy our Lives."

     We don't have to buy
     everything that's sold to us.
     It is not all useful
     or worth the trade
     for our space.
     This clutter we live with
     gets in our way
     more than we know.

     We don't have to have
     everything they say we need.
     It is not for anyone else
     to tell you
     what you should seek.
     So many things
     we can survive just fine
     doing without

     We don't have to accept
     every gift that is offered.
     It is not all as free
     and devoid of any cost
     as it appears.
     We still must pay
     with our hearts and our souls
     or someone does.

     We don't have to believe
     everything they tell us.
     It is within our own power
     to choose the path
     that is right to take.
     Some directions we are given
     will lead us down
     a road we do not wish to walk.

     We don't have to follow,
     every command ordered to us.
     It is our choice to speak
     when told
     to be silent.
     For it is we who regret
     being silent
     when we should have spoken.

     We don't have ourselves if
     everything is decided for us.
     It is our freedom
     that allows us to be
     who we are.
     To have freedom
     we can not
     be controlled.

     We don't have control when
     everything we do and want is an impulse.
     It is our onus
     to reflect and think
     upon our actions.
     If we can not say that we are awake
     can we truly say
     that we are alive?

Just to note, I will -reflect- upon the moon, not necessarily -update- on the moon.

     Journal:
     I would describe this week as "refreshingly stressful." All in all it was pretty normal—traffic, pushy teachers, not enough time for myself or what I want to devote my energies too—but I knew it was the last week of it, so I was trying to just take it all in. Let the stress wash over me as I also let it remind me of why I have decided to leave on my journey in the first place. So after a final day that was just like any other, teaching first graders in East Granby about shadows, I took off the lab coat for the last time.
     Saturday was my last Muay Thai class. After the normal class I asked Adam, the 100% Bad-Ass Muay Thai instructor with a heart of gold (who has been a role model of sorts to me these last couple months), if he would spar me. I knew what I was getting myself into. That guy could kill me with his eyes closed if he wanted to! Not only did I really enjoy getting the crap beat out of me, and not only did I learn a lot, but it was the perfect way to end my time at the Renzo Gracie Training Facility. That place has taught me so much—discipline, strength of body and mind, no-excuse attitude, confidence, tolerance, drive, comradery, skill, the list goes on—had I never signed up and attended I would be years behind where I am now. The people there were also inspirational in their own efforts. Everyone that went inside did so with the determined goal to work hard to improve themselves. In a society where (I don't have any statistics) running 3 miles is considered a lot by most people, it is really admirable what people in there go to do. I'm proud to have trained there these last couple months and I'll never forget my experience there—or what I learned.
     Also spent a whole day and night with Claire (: that was fun! We played magic and she took me out to eat! Yaay! Delicious Malaysian curry mmmmm.


     Reflections:
     So many people ask me why I am going to ride my bicycle across the country. Some people are just curious, some are surprised, some are sincerely interested, some are just baffled, and some seem to get it. That range of response being said, I have a couple quick answers that I give people, depending on my mood. Here though, I would like to take the time to expand. There are, of course, several reasons for me coming to make this life decision.
     1. As a young lad, I was inspired by the anime Goldenboy. The story of Kentaro Oe, a completely perverted young man who leaves college to ride his bicycle across the country in search of life's truths. He lives on his bike and has several exciting (and hilarious) adventures as he moves from temporary job to temporary job. While the show is rather ridiculous and largely comedic, I did receive the idea that life can be in pursuit of learning and love rather than money and things. In years to come, I'd be fascinated by stories with similar themes of travel and exploration, such as Kino's Journey and many RPG video games.
     2. My love for exploring, however, may go back even further than anime or video games. In fact, I could claim that my love for video games specifically comes from my desire to explore. Each game is like a brand new world, with its own set of rules. But as far back as I can remember, I have always loved exploring new places. I have lived in Connecticut all my life, and I know this state very very well. Too well, in fact. In any of my travels, no where is new, and although I realize adventure is a state of mind, something within me just yearns for new places!
     3. After exploring Montreal, which was an amazing city, I realized that every city in the world must be unique in its own way and a deep feeling of Wanderlust was born within me. Ever since I left that city, I've wanted to go and see other cities and places of the world to explore and experience their uniqueness. This ties back in with my love of exploring. Previously I had somehow concluded that all cities were the same, and I simply was not very interested in traveling. However, my experience in Montreal awakened a latent passion within me that I had somehow repressed. Living for this passion and experiencing it became more important to me than anything else I was currently doing at the time, which back in mid-July was just paying bills and failing to have any success with women.
     4. In paying those bills, I worked a fair amount. I loved my mentoring job (though it could be difficult at times) and the science teaching wasn't so bad (but it got pretty damn repetitive). However, working so much left little time for other pursuits, and many hours of many days were spent battling/sitting in traffic. On top of this, things were deteriorating with my fiancée Kara (though we didn't face it), and while she was continuing to do her thing and fall deeper and deeper into that world, I was alone, and lonely, and my ego took blow after blow as I experienced failure after failure. Actually, a failure was a good day. Most days there was just nothing, and that was the worst. So, my far-off dream of a bike trip became a sort of escape for me. Something I could do to run away from the many hours wasted sitting in traffic and the stress of work and my failure in romantic pursuits and my failing engagement and my mediocrity and just everything. I had to get away. I knew I couldn't survive another winter like the last one and I knew something was going to give. I remember threatening to Kara, before I had my epiphany of what true intimacy and connection is, "If I don't have sex with someone by the end of the summer I'm quitting my jobs because I just can't do it any more."
     5. After my having an epiphany with Rachel and understanding intimacy and connection, that sentiment changed of course. A whole world of possibilities opened up to me. I wasn't just confined to this little area of Connecticut which apparently had no one that was interested in me: If no one here would love me I'd go and find someone who will! I'd travel and meet people and there would eventually be some woman that thought me riding my bike around was pretty cool and they'd give me the time of day, which was all I asked. That was the feeling after Bella Terra, when I made the decision to leave after the winter.
     However, over the next few months before I would leave, feeling changed a bit. Thanks to my time with Sandra, Lili, Claire, and Rosalyn, and every other woman that I was able to meet briefly, and all I learned from all of them, my perspective changed two-fold. Firstly, I learned that there were plenty of women around here interested in the NEW me and my attempts all failed before because previously I was SAD AND CREEPY AND DESPERATE. So, I did not have to change my location to find women, I had to change my self. Secondly, I learned how to connect with women and build a meaningful relationship, so this shifts the reasoning before from "Maybe I'll find a girl that just might say hi 'cause I gotta bike I hope" to "I'm going to get the chance to connect with SO MANY PEOPLE (including women)!!!"
     6. After going through all these experiences, my spirituality slowly began to materialize (poor word choice; spirituality is the opposite of materialization). I slowly began to believe that things (some things, not all things) happen for a reason, and if we allow ourselves to listen to our hearts and the world around us, the universe will guide is to where we need to be and to experience what we need to experience and learn what we need to learn. I feel as though every event in my life has been leading up to this. This journey is the culmination of my life thus far, and by taking this first step into the unknown I am embracing whatever the universe has in store for me. There's a lot more to what I believe than this, and maybe I'll write about it more later, but for now I want to express the drastic change of going from believing in nothing and thinking most people who practised any sort of religion were "nuts" to having a strong, albeit undefined, belief and really quite understand what "faith" is. I have so so so much to learn, but for now, I can say with utmost confidence, that as long as I hold these beliefs in my heart, nothing will be able to stop me, and I shall not return without completing my goals.
     7. Finally, and most importantly, after growing so much in the months leading up to making my decision to leave, I learned that working and working in order to pay for things so you can work more and more is not the way I want to live nor is it allowing me to truly become the person that I want to be. As I had epiphany after epiphany, I could feel myself changing and growing. This path of personal growth is everyone’s journey that they must follow, but the routine and redundancy of this world gets people down, distracts them from growing, and leads them to stagnation. In order for me to truly and fully become this person that I wish to become, a man who is awake and connected and competent, at least say 95% of the time, then I simply must leave. I cannot stay in Connecticut any more. The way people live around here is not the way I want live my life or spend my time nor energy. We are what we do and we become what we do. It is no wonder I was a boring, sad, and creepy guy; that is exactly how I felt and acted! Sitting in traffic, depressed, doing the same thing over and over again most days, hoping for any sort of female attention and getting more and more desperate for it... The escape from that wasn't ride my bike somewhere else, it was to look deep within and change my beliefs and my behavior! I did change my beliefs and behavior through experiences and reflection, but in order to break away from that person I used to be, and in order to fully embrace this new Justin I am so fervently trying to become, I must completely change my life, including what I do, who I do it with, where I do it, and why I do what I do. While I have come a long way these past couple months in changing and bettering myself, this new me just does not do what the old me does. This new me never drives a car, he only bikes everywhere. This new me doesn't wait in traffic, he slips through it. This new me isn't some attention depraved socially inept creep, he expresses how he feels freely and accepts that some people will gravitate towards that and some won't. This new me doesn't pour hours of time into video games or waste time with pornography, he spends his time learning useful things like martial arts and poetry so he can one day help the world. This new me does not live here in New England, he is a traveler and he is about to go. And when he finally does, he will leave the old me behind.


     Story:
     So after sparring for more than an hour (which is more than what most people do) Friday night, I met up with BJ (who is basically my non-blood little brother) to give him back his deck of magic cards. I have had his deck of cards for a while and he wanted it back as he met some people that played. BJ has been getting me and sometimes friends into Toad's Place for shows for free a lot so I definitely owed him. I've been wanting to hang out, catch up, give him some advice, and maybe smoke up together but he goes to school in New Hampshire and we're both too busy even when he's around. So even though I was tired and sore and hungry, I still waited around in the cold to meet up with him.
     Turns out he was having some pizza with a few beautiful ladies that he was going to a Toad's show with, and they invited me to join them for dinner! That was nice. They also convinced me to go to the show, and I was feeling fine after that pizza, plus I like checking out new music whatever it is, (and those gals were beautiful) so I was truly going to go, but on the way back to my car I was drawn into this bookstore I never noticed before.
     Inside a guy was just finishing a song on his guitar, which seemed good but I just caught the tail-end of it. I talked with several people there, which was splendid. A couch-surfer recognized me (took me a minute to remember him, oops!) and through talking with him I came up with the idea that I should one day cycle around Brazil and try to find and meet my favorite author, Paulo Cohelo, whose writings have been very influential to me. That seems like a great idea and I mean to make that happen one day! I talked with another cool guy there and I learned to break opponents hands with your forehead, and that taking away an opponents weapons is a wiser strategy than killing/seriously hurting them.
     After that I was drained again, and less interested in going out to this house music show. The only reason I still had was to pursue those three beautiful gals and without any other reason that just makes me feel like a creep, so I opted to head home. Still, I learned some things, thought some good ideas, and felt very "awake" as I followed that natural feeling of being "pulled" somewhere.


     Poetry:

     "How Will I Meet My End?"

     Facing an adversary in some primal bout?
     Sunk deep in battle, my company a rout?
     My faith in all things good, finally in doubt?
     Some fools slip of skill, his arrogance in tout?
     Brought low by disease, in my bed all laid out?
     Pulled down and beneath waves, where I cannot hear mine own shout?
     Snuffed in the cataclysmic collision of worlds, not a soul left to pout?
     Steady descent into the hole of delirium, escape unable to mount?

     Others' ends serve as a warning to me,
     for mine is surely near at hand.
     I'll avoid those pitfalls if I may,
     so long as I have the strength with which to stand.
     For what is truly frightening is not the way
     in which we meet our fate.
     But to have a death that is meaningless,
     our destiny unable to sate.