Just to note, I will -reflect- upon the moon, not necessarily -update- on the moon.

     Journal:
     I would describe this week as "refreshingly stressful." All in all it was pretty normal—traffic, pushy teachers, not enough time for myself or what I want to devote my energies too—but I knew it was the last week of it, so I was trying to just take it all in. Let the stress wash over me as I also let it remind me of why I have decided to leave on my journey in the first place. So after a final day that was just like any other, teaching first graders in East Granby about shadows, I took off the lab coat for the last time.
     Saturday was my last Muay Thai class. After the normal class I asked Adam, the 100% Bad-Ass Muay Thai instructor with a heart of gold (who has been a role model of sorts to me these last couple months), if he would spar me. I knew what I was getting myself into. That guy could kill me with his eyes closed if he wanted to! Not only did I really enjoy getting the crap beat out of me, and not only did I learn a lot, but it was the perfect way to end my time at the Renzo Gracie Training Facility. That place has taught me so much—discipline, strength of body and mind, no-excuse attitude, confidence, tolerance, drive, comradery, skill, the list goes on—had I never signed up and attended I would be years behind where I am now. The people there were also inspirational in their own efforts. Everyone that went inside did so with the determined goal to work hard to improve themselves. In a society where (I don't have any statistics) running 3 miles is considered a lot by most people, it is really admirable what people in there go to do. I'm proud to have trained there these last couple months and I'll never forget my experience there—or what I learned.
     Also spent a whole day and night with Claire (: that was fun! We played magic and she took me out to eat! Yaay! Delicious Malaysian curry mmmmm.


     Reflections:
     So many people ask me why I am going to ride my bicycle across the country. Some people are just curious, some are surprised, some are sincerely interested, some are just baffled, and some seem to get it. That range of response being said, I have a couple quick answers that I give people, depending on my mood. Here though, I would like to take the time to expand. There are, of course, several reasons for me coming to make this life decision.
     1. As a young lad, I was inspired by the anime Goldenboy. The story of Kentaro Oe, a completely perverted young man who leaves college to ride his bicycle across the country in search of life's truths. He lives on his bike and has several exciting (and hilarious) adventures as he moves from temporary job to temporary job. While the show is rather ridiculous and largely comedic, I did receive the idea that life can be in pursuit of learning and love rather than money and things. In years to come, I'd be fascinated by stories with similar themes of travel and exploration, such as Kino's Journey and many RPG video games.
     2. My love for exploring, however, may go back even further than anime or video games. In fact, I could claim that my love for video games specifically comes from my desire to explore. Each game is like a brand new world, with its own set of rules. But as far back as I can remember, I have always loved exploring new places. I have lived in Connecticut all my life, and I know this state very very well. Too well, in fact. In any of my travels, no where is new, and although I realize adventure is a state of mind, something within me just yearns for new places!
     3. After exploring Montreal, which was an amazing city, I realized that every city in the world must be unique in its own way and a deep feeling of Wanderlust was born within me. Ever since I left that city, I've wanted to go and see other cities and places of the world to explore and experience their uniqueness. This ties back in with my love of exploring. Previously I had somehow concluded that all cities were the same, and I simply was not very interested in traveling. However, my experience in Montreal awakened a latent passion within me that I had somehow repressed. Living for this passion and experiencing it became more important to me than anything else I was currently doing at the time, which back in mid-July was just paying bills and failing to have any success with women.
     4. In paying those bills, I worked a fair amount. I loved my mentoring job (though it could be difficult at times) and the science teaching wasn't so bad (but it got pretty damn repetitive). However, working so much left little time for other pursuits, and many hours of many days were spent battling/sitting in traffic. On top of this, things were deteriorating with my fiancée Kara (though we didn't face it), and while she was continuing to do her thing and fall deeper and deeper into that world, I was alone, and lonely, and my ego took blow after blow as I experienced failure after failure. Actually, a failure was a good day. Most days there was just nothing, and that was the worst. So, my far-off dream of a bike trip became a sort of escape for me. Something I could do to run away from the many hours wasted sitting in traffic and the stress of work and my failure in romantic pursuits and my failing engagement and my mediocrity and just everything. I had to get away. I knew I couldn't survive another winter like the last one and I knew something was going to give. I remember threatening to Kara, before I had my epiphany of what true intimacy and connection is, "If I don't have sex with someone by the end of the summer I'm quitting my jobs because I just can't do it any more."
     5. After my having an epiphany with Rachel and understanding intimacy and connection, that sentiment changed of course. A whole world of possibilities opened up to me. I wasn't just confined to this little area of Connecticut which apparently had no one that was interested in me: If no one here would love me I'd go and find someone who will! I'd travel and meet people and there would eventually be some woman that thought me riding my bike around was pretty cool and they'd give me the time of day, which was all I asked. That was the feeling after Bella Terra, when I made the decision to leave after the winter.
     However, over the next few months before I would leave, feeling changed a bit. Thanks to my time with Sandra, Lili, Claire, and Rosalyn, and every other woman that I was able to meet briefly, and all I learned from all of them, my perspective changed two-fold. Firstly, I learned that there were plenty of women around here interested in the NEW me and my attempts all failed before because previously I was SAD AND CREEPY AND DESPERATE. So, I did not have to change my location to find women, I had to change my self. Secondly, I learned how to connect with women and build a meaningful relationship, so this shifts the reasoning before from "Maybe I'll find a girl that just might say hi 'cause I gotta bike I hope" to "I'm going to get the chance to connect with SO MANY PEOPLE (including women)!!!"
     6. After going through all these experiences, my spirituality slowly began to materialize (poor word choice; spirituality is the opposite of materialization). I slowly began to believe that things (some things, not all things) happen for a reason, and if we allow ourselves to listen to our hearts and the world around us, the universe will guide is to where we need to be and to experience what we need to experience and learn what we need to learn. I feel as though every event in my life has been leading up to this. This journey is the culmination of my life thus far, and by taking this first step into the unknown I am embracing whatever the universe has in store for me. There's a lot more to what I believe than this, and maybe I'll write about it more later, but for now I want to express the drastic change of going from believing in nothing and thinking most people who practised any sort of religion were "nuts" to having a strong, albeit undefined, belief and really quite understand what "faith" is. I have so so so much to learn, but for now, I can say with utmost confidence, that as long as I hold these beliefs in my heart, nothing will be able to stop me, and I shall not return without completing my goals.
     7. Finally, and most importantly, after growing so much in the months leading up to making my decision to leave, I learned that working and working in order to pay for things so you can work more and more is not the way I want to live nor is it allowing me to truly become the person that I want to be. As I had epiphany after epiphany, I could feel myself changing and growing. This path of personal growth is everyone’s journey that they must follow, but the routine and redundancy of this world gets people down, distracts them from growing, and leads them to stagnation. In order for me to truly and fully become this person that I wish to become, a man who is awake and connected and competent, at least say 95% of the time, then I simply must leave. I cannot stay in Connecticut any more. The way people live around here is not the way I want live my life or spend my time nor energy. We are what we do and we become what we do. It is no wonder I was a boring, sad, and creepy guy; that is exactly how I felt and acted! Sitting in traffic, depressed, doing the same thing over and over again most days, hoping for any sort of female attention and getting more and more desperate for it... The escape from that wasn't ride my bike somewhere else, it was to look deep within and change my beliefs and my behavior! I did change my beliefs and behavior through experiences and reflection, but in order to break away from that person I used to be, and in order to fully embrace this new Justin I am so fervently trying to become, I must completely change my life, including what I do, who I do it with, where I do it, and why I do what I do. While I have come a long way these past couple months in changing and bettering myself, this new me just does not do what the old me does. This new me never drives a car, he only bikes everywhere. This new me doesn't wait in traffic, he slips through it. This new me isn't some attention depraved socially inept creep, he expresses how he feels freely and accepts that some people will gravitate towards that and some won't. This new me doesn't pour hours of time into video games or waste time with pornography, he spends his time learning useful things like martial arts and poetry so he can one day help the world. This new me does not live here in New England, he is a traveler and he is about to go. And when he finally does, he will leave the old me behind.


     Story:
     So after sparring for more than an hour (which is more than what most people do) Friday night, I met up with BJ (who is basically my non-blood little brother) to give him back his deck of magic cards. I have had his deck of cards for a while and he wanted it back as he met some people that played. BJ has been getting me and sometimes friends into Toad's Place for shows for free a lot so I definitely owed him. I've been wanting to hang out, catch up, give him some advice, and maybe smoke up together but he goes to school in New Hampshire and we're both too busy even when he's around. So even though I was tired and sore and hungry, I still waited around in the cold to meet up with him.
     Turns out he was having some pizza with a few beautiful ladies that he was going to a Toad's show with, and they invited me to join them for dinner! That was nice. They also convinced me to go to the show, and I was feeling fine after that pizza, plus I like checking out new music whatever it is, (and those gals were beautiful) so I was truly going to go, but on the way back to my car I was drawn into this bookstore I never noticed before.
     Inside a guy was just finishing a song on his guitar, which seemed good but I just caught the tail-end of it. I talked with several people there, which was splendid. A couch-surfer recognized me (took me a minute to remember him, oops!) and through talking with him I came up with the idea that I should one day cycle around Brazil and try to find and meet my favorite author, Paulo Cohelo, whose writings have been very influential to me. That seems like a great idea and I mean to make that happen one day! I talked with another cool guy there and I learned to break opponents hands with your forehead, and that taking away an opponents weapons is a wiser strategy than killing/seriously hurting them.
     After that I was drained again, and less interested in going out to this house music show. The only reason I still had was to pursue those three beautiful gals and without any other reason that just makes me feel like a creep, so I opted to head home. Still, I learned some things, thought some good ideas, and felt very "awake" as I followed that natural feeling of being "pulled" somewhere.


     Poetry:

     "How Will I Meet My End?"

     Facing an adversary in some primal bout?
     Sunk deep in battle, my company a rout?
     My faith in all things good, finally in doubt?
     Some fools slip of skill, his arrogance in tout?
     Brought low by disease, in my bed all laid out?
     Pulled down and beneath waves, where I cannot hear mine own shout?
     Snuffed in the cataclysmic collision of worlds, not a soul left to pout?
     Steady descent into the hole of delirium, escape unable to mount?

     Others' ends serve as a warning to me,
     for mine is surely near at hand.
     I'll avoid those pitfalls if I may,
     so long as I have the strength with which to stand.
     For what is truly frightening is not the way
     in which we meet our fate.
     But to have a death that is meaningless,
     our destiny unable to sate.