That was my new meditation mantra (or Power Stance as I was calling it) at the time of this writing
March 2016
Just about One Year Ago
I guess I decided the posting of this would not have had the most Honest and Clearest Intentions
Or perhaps was not for the Good of All
Or maybe I was just frustrated by the ASCII Shooting Star and didn't want to bother putting snippets of my Self and Life on the internet anymore and wanted to Just LIVE
So Live I did—I suppose
But that'll be the next post
Posting it one year later
Here is Where We Were:
It's hard to not look back
Plus I never said I wouldn't
I said I'd die if I didn't make it
Not if I couldn't Let Go
I've said a lot of things
I don't think I can remember them all
Some things maybe I needed to say then aren't the same anymore
Some things go back and forth
Some things are just hidden away in a box
I'm one of those last things right now
It's a really nice box—My Favorite in fact
But trapped in a box is trapped in a box
That's what it feels like anyways after having experienced the freedom of that bicycle
The freedom of just being out there away from home not knowing where I was going or what I'd find
And when I found something—now THAT was the BEST
I want to believe it all happened for a reason
March 2016
Just about One Year Ago
I guess I decided the posting of this would not have had the most Honest and Clearest Intentions
Or perhaps was not for the Good of All
Or maybe I was just frustrated by the ASCII Shooting Star and didn't want to bother putting snippets of my Self and Life on the internet anymore and wanted to Just LIVE
So Live I did—I suppose
But that'll be the next post
Posting it one year later
Here is Where We Were:
It's hard to not look back
Plus I never said I wouldn't
I said I'd die if I didn't make it
Not if I couldn't Let Go
I've said a lot of things
I don't think I can remember them all
Some things maybe I needed to say then aren't the same anymore
Some things go back and forth
Some things are just hidden away in a box
I'm one of those last things right now
It's a really nice box—My Favorite in fact
But trapped in a box is trapped in a box
That's what it feels like anyways after having experienced the freedom of that bicycle
The freedom of just being out there away from home not knowing where I was going or what I'd find
And when I found something—now THAT was the BEST
I want to believe it all happened for a reason
So now this blog is about me going crazy.
Or maybe it's about how Love drives ya' crazy.
Like, let us not beat around the bush.
Clearly, I am crazy.
You gotta be crazy these days to quit your jobs, sell your shit, and jump into the unknown to live on your bicycle.
And I want to keep doing that. I want to sleep on the street and I want to be alone and I want to cry all day and I want to sweat and I want to bleed and I WANT TO SUFFER.
I want all this because I need to want all this in order to do it. In order to get back out there.
Because what I really need isn't a hook-up or a girlfriend or a 6-pack or a shiny car or all the money, sex, and drugs I can reasonably enjoy before it all goes numb.
I need to be Stronger. Stronger than who I am now. Strong enough to support the people I Love. Strong enough to make the right decisions. Strong enough to not be daunted by the risks and the loneliness and whatever pain may come my way.
I want to be strong enough to survive.
I want to be strong enough to be free
whether I'm alone or not.
But I don't want to be alone.
There we go. That's what we want, right?
Paradise.
Love and Music and Fun.
All the time.
Except I'm in Connecticut stuck in the Paradise that is my parents' House.
I'll get down to Florida and just live on the beach eventually.
For now though I'd like to find somebody to connect with
Oh yes, it's back to the exciting world of okcupid.
If you are unfamiliar with this world
Well, it's probably best that way.
I learned all about serendipity on the Road but it hasn't been working lately
Probably because my Heart isn't actually open to letting someone else in
But that didn't stop me from sending a bunch of messages to some nice ladies to see if they wanted to hang out.
So in retrospect we can look at this and determine two things, based on if we interpret this positively or negatively.
From
a positive point of view, I'm just on another level of expression
thanks to all the massive amount of time I spend self-reflecting,
journaling, thinking, meditating, blogging, etcetera and am ready to
DIVE DEEP at a moment's notice.
On the other side, I am clearly in
a very emotionally vulnerable state and barely keeping it together. My
emotional desperation is obvious from how I simply pour my Heart out at
this lady when all she did was ask "Why are you here?"
I can see how my genuine expression could be misinterpreted though.
And then I broke out in hives.
Allergies? Or a curse?
Curses are actually great things!
The whole point is to figure out why and do something about it.
So I was frustrated.
I still felt I was incomplete.
I felt I needed someone and didn't understand or accept why I was being punished
I had got all that stuff out with the last blog post and felt great
But it didn't last.
I accepted myself
But I couldn't draw Love from myself for myself.
If we can't and don't Love ourselves it has a serious effect on our ego.
We just go around looking for redemption.
If someone else Loves us they can fill our cup for us
So I watched some videos like that and I did more of my usual meditation/journaling/reflecting and I hung out with her and I learned a lot as I always do and then I realized what I had to do.
What I could do, now.
The culmination of all the negativity I absorbed for months had finally been let out of its cage and I had to deal with him—Some sort of Nega-Justin
Some of it came from people that disapproved or judged and some came from what my perception of society would think and some came from signs but it all affected me because I let it in. I took on the guilt and I judged myself and I tried myself and I couldn't control MY Mind and I couldn't figure out what was up or down and that's just what happened.
And the constant barrage of all this negativity that I could no longer shield myself from fed that side of myself.
That Dark side I wrote about last time
But Just because we've accepted our Self doesn't mean we should move backwards!
(Okcupid is definitely backwards!!)
For the past three months, since returning home for Christmas, I have been filled with self-doubt.
I've been depressed and I've been confused about God and reality and nothing has made sense.
Is it all real or a dream?
Is life meaningless?
Do we have any control at all?
I'm with my family and I'm in a warm bed and I get warm food I shouldn't be sad like this I should be following my dreams but I can barely gather myself to get out during the weekends I'm so fucking weak why why why
FUCK I just want to be HELD by someone AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My lack of faith in my Heart and my Mind
In My Self
Is what caused all this.
And my lack of Faith in Her as well
And for that I am ashamed. Embarrassing as all this is, none of this other shit bothers me personally to admit to on my blog, but doubting her is what truly caused all this in the first place and brings sadness to my Heart.
At least I was wise enough to know that the whole time though.
I never blamed Her.
But I couldn't Let Go either
I tried.
I tried in a million fucking ways again and again
I could not do it.
And I don't give a shit if you think I'm obsessed or crazy or out of line
You don't know what I felt.
I hope you do though one day
I wish everyone in the World could feel that way
But maybe not everyone is ready—look what it did to me!
Love is POWERFUL
Without Loving myself first and without being my ideal self by myself this need for Her was born.
My pure intentions from Love were corrupted by my desire to hold on to Her and use Her for what She gave to me.
Purpose and Direction. Peace and Elation. Confidence and Self-Worth.
Love.
How do I get to Her!?
What Mountain do I climb?
What Dragon do I slay?
THE REAL WORLD ISN'T A FAIRY TALE JUSTIN
THE MOUNTAIN IS IN YOUR MIND AND THE DRAGON IS IN YOUR HEART
I went to my usual place
I meditated and I spoke to The Stars and they answered me
The next day
I drove up to see Her.
. ./|\, <-=☆=-> '\|/` .'. (.•´ ( `•.¸ `•.¸ ) ¸.•)´ (.•´ ( `•.¸ `•.¸ ) ¸.•)´
( :•
¸.•)
What I've learned from all this though is just how amazingly deep people are.
All the words I've written here are just some shiny rocks I found in the soil of The Garden of My Mind that I dug out and polished for whoever cares to read.
We can interpret things a certain way
We can believe that interpretation
We can lie and delude ourselves or just be wrong
We can become that untruth
And not everyone can dig and polish these Rocks like I can
Not everyone has a convenient blog to show them all
All the Rocks we can't show people in real life
We can fail to express ourselves
Fear of rejection?
Fear of judgment?
Fear of being hurt? Fear of hurting?
Maybe just Fear of looking like an idiot.
I'm writing all this for a reason.
I pick each song for a reason.
SEE THAT
But I don't need to worry, do I?
We can just ignore my crazy delusions that I'm just getting out through my blog
They are not reality.
Reality is only what we take out from the depths of our Heart and Mind and put into the World
If we don't put it into the World then it's not real
But I see
And I wonder
And I feel
And I worry
And I Love
And so I write
I read on facebook the other day:
"If Magic weren't ridiculous then it'd be called Science!"
So if I believe in Magic and also accept that it is not understandable by me then that leaves a lot of room for my absolutely out-of-control imagination to wonder.
I get some delusions now and then when my ego gets too big and I make stuff up in my head even though there's no actual evidence and I'm crazy AND unforgivably pretentious but maybe not so I wrote this silly poem.
I imagine I'll read it again someday and just laugh at how crazy I am and how fun it is to take imaginary ideas and pretend they're reality
But maybe it'll mean something to someone so that's worth putting it here
Or maybe in this alternate universe I've created in my Head I want to be able to say I Know. Not in an "I Told You So" sorta way though. Just an, "I Know."
So here's a poem for a reality where our wants and desires are heard by an unseen Godly force that only some of us can feel and we battle each other for the things we want in the Sky and in our Dreams with our Hearts and our Love and all our actions in the "Real World" are actually a result, or at least greatly influenced, by the exchange and movement of energy in this other intangible realm.
Ripples of Love
Lightning and Wind
Here comes a storm again
Didn't mean to cause it
though I know I did
I see it's here 'cause I can read the sky
Eyes of the Hawk—Heart of a Phoenix—Upon their wings I fly
My Love is boundless, bold, and true
But is it not too much for you?
Tapping into infinity is no shallow thrill
I'd die for it—You know that I will
But we can Live for it instead
No need for anyone to be dead
We just need to get the hell out of our heads
We're wise and far out and probably know way too much
I know I can't stop thinking about the next time we'll touch
And I'm sorry but you're wicked hot and I Love You
Do you want me to train myself to not want to?
'Cause that exercise ain't easy and it's hard to undo
So what is it? What is it? What am I to you?
Knight in Shining Armor or Panda on Puppet Strings?
Man of Your Dreams or a Jump to Oblivion?
And do you see the true me—the me that is yet to become?
A man who maybe just maybe quite possibly could be someone?
And who that someone is is not up for anyone else to decide!
So here we all sit now. Are we enjoying the ride?
The gusts knock me around and rain spatters my face
I dance around electric strikes scarcely moving my place
Imagine a man in the dead of dark on a cold winter night
Rain drenching him as he rides with little sight.
I am he, but laughing! Taking in every delight!
I'm alive I'm alive! I really feel alive!
Though I suppose there's something empty inside?
Perhaps it's because I shoulda chose me
I'm the only me that I wanna be
And that me is definitely
Someone I wanna see
And he doesn't just stay here
So he's gonna say Peace
He sees what's goin' on even if you don't
And he's got your best interests in mind—You've even got his best coats.
Nothing I ever said was untrue
But what do I know I don't know more than you
That's probably why we're all here
You do see what's going on, yes? My dear?
Maybe you think I'm crazy but I'm under spiritual attack
Not that I'm mad as it is quite automatic
I Love You I Love You and you might think this is weird
But let's all just hold hands and Let Go of our fears
And can we please agree that Love and sex are pretty fucking weird?
I could be productive and write a science fiction novel or something but instead I'm just indulging in fantastic insanity. But that's why I'm putting it here. To get it out and show it. Then I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything and I can just BE MYSELF. I can just SAY IT HERE and MOVE ON and anyone who cares can figure it out. That's what the blog is for.
So I'm out on the other side
I'm over my wall
There's definitely another one in there somewhere
But for now the internal struggle is over
It was a great battle and people only got to see it through my dumb blog
But I triumphed and I know I did
And I'm stronger now than I have ever been
We can enjoy the next couple of days
Before the next adventure begins
Posted on my facebook a couple days ago:
It was a long winter for me.
I can't complain though—at least I don't mean to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mn0RV7edNUA
I spent a lot of time with my family, I was well fed and safe, and I pursued different artistic endeavors, meeting with the greatest of success that I even surprised myself with.
I struggled with failure and depression and I was a little crazy. I faced my insecurities and my neediness and my low self-worth. I was further embarrassed by just the fact of all this and anyone who reads my blog knows what I did to step past THAT.
Day by day, I tried to counter-act all this by living healthfully and with gratitude that we should all feel for the many blessings in our lives.
Running water, abundant food, warmth.
And of course, the many friends and Loved ones that helped me in some way every day.
It is a fine line being content with what you have and who you are, but also striving forward towards your goals and dreams and always trying to improve (not change) yourself.
If you're reading this then you're probably alive and if you're alive you probably have a dream and if you have a dream you CAN work towards making that dream a reality.
That's what all the blessings that we have in our lives are for.
I'm closer now to my dreams than I ever was before.
So with Spring being here and the aforementioned struggles mostly behind me, I'm ready to get back out there and continue striving.
I should be leaving in a week or so.
So with all of you, my friends! I want to share my plan!
Keep in mind, any "plan" is always subject to change, as anything can and will happen.
I'll be surprised if any of this shit works out the way I think it will lol
But it'll all work out somehow.
Anyways, The Bagel Plan:
I must reclaim my LionHeart!
I'm heading to Memphis to rescue it from a pawn shop...
There's an old blues legend there I must find named Cantankerous.
I hope to get a harmonica lesson from him.
Then I'm cutting East into Tennessee to find:
1. A Cheap Truck
2. A Food Cart
Not sure how long that'll take but I intend to drive the truck with food cart and bicycle in tow back home! So I won't even be out long, maybe a month!
I'm going to sell bagels from the food cart.
I need to be free
And that's the perfect way to generate some income without having to conform myself to a schedule or someone ELSE's vision/project or even a location.
The truck I'll be painting a bunch of wild colors and selling Grilled Peanut Butter and Jellies from it while traveling around and driving it to The Rainbow Family Gathering in July.
There'll probably be some extra room in that truck for the Rainbow Gathering, so if you are interested in a wild adventure to Hippie Wonderland, e-mail me your resume with cover letter and we'll get back to you.
Remember to follow your dreams ya'll!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EiM_-oSWzI
______________________________________________________
Update #2: Dreaming With My Eyes Open
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfOaH9CGL-Y
Months after not even touching my blog
Even though that last update was basically done
I realize this blog is (among other things) a coping mechanism
For all the emotions I don't know how to deal with.
The ones that hurt or are scary or just have to come out.
Except there's a part of me that enjoys them
And that part of me doesn't want to forget.
I want to remember these emotions.
I want to remember this feeling
When my Heart is pouring out of my fingertips like Fire
I'M on Fire.
My Heart is pumping and burning and I'm writing because I enjoy it and because I have this deep feeling that somehow someday they are going to matter to someone.
I am such a selfish fucking prick.
Everyone tells me I'm a great guy
And GOOD because I'm trying REALLY FUCKING HARD
But I'm usually just doing whatever I want.
I am not following the Dalai-Lama's advice (In the middle of his book now)
I am not devoting my life to the selfless helping of others
To "Alleviating the suffering of sentient beings through all of space."
All I can do is focus on myself and move forward in my life and help the people that cross my path as I can if I can.
That might sound like the attitude of a pretty good dude
But you gotta understand—I'm already on Top of The World
Clean Water
Food in Abundance
Health and Wealth
Existing in Peace with my Loving Family and Friends
The Luxury to work towards my Dreams all day everyday
The Luxury to rest whenever I want to
The Luxury to actually get depressed despite all this over sleeping in, or missing a girl or some other example of my emotions completely overtaking me.
The pain of that Heartache was so great.
I'm afraid of it again and I'm afraid of Her
I'm afraid she'll forget me or leave me or change Her mind about me or see something (like all THIS maybe) that she didn't see before and that'll disappoint Her or scare Her or
Gotta stay down to Earth.
When I get High she's up there.
NO
I have to FACE my FEARS.
EVERY. LITTLE. ONE.
Every insecurity ever worry every anxiety.
Every dumb crazy dark evil hateful insane hurtful idea that this World put into my Head that combine to give horrible ideas to I'm pretty fucking sure every one of us when two particular synapses fire at the same time.
Two ideas mixing together.
It's like making a risotto, what spice you gonna put in there?
idea; Think of Serial Killer
idea; Think of Mom
VVVVVVVVVVVV
How did your brain mix the two ideas?
Did you just imagine your Mom dead?
Or maybe he's busting in the door?
Or maybe you envisioned
Or maybe you saw
Or maybe you're brain didn't mix the ideas and you just have two separate images.
Or maybe you saw all this stuff and more
I don't know—it's YOUR brain!
Your Head.
Your Mind.
Let's put another spice in
remember; Mom, Serial Killer
idea; Superhero
Now whatcha thinkin' about?
Superman?
Or are You the superhero?
And who cares anyways
We're sitting at our computer not doing anything.
But our Minds are constantly taking information in.
Especially when you're out and about and you're interacting with people
Our Minds take in whatever we notice really.
If you're just thinkin' of nonsense all the time (like what you had for lunch and what you're going to have for dinner) and you never have any awareness then you won't notice much about what's going on.
If you pay attention people will have all sorts of signs all over telling you about them.
Or maybe this stuff that decorates people has no meaning to you
But it reminds you of something sub-consciously
And it is those unconscious memories that we have no conscious control over that determines our Emotion.
Or perhaps it only influences it?
Perhaps our conscious being can override the sub-conscious.
If not
Can anyone claim to have free-will?
What if we're just auto-piloting through our day?
Perhaps some people can not or simply do not over ride their sub-conscious
And perhaps it can be said that they do not have free-will?
At least not most of the time.
If someone smacks 'em in the face they'll probably wake up
And then they'll choose what to do
Or maybe not
Maybe they'll just react.
Some people though
Some people are awake all the time
They're noticing things all the time
So they see things coming sometimes
And can figure some way to respond
They can choose what to do when they get smacked in the face.
Every stimulus in our environment maps our consciousness.
We are creating ourself this very moment.
Even if it's something we already know
We simply reinforce that
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAJNm0ApPjk
And there it is.
I feel it.
Another Fear peeling away.
Once you realize your vulnerability to The Universe it takes a lot of faith just to Be.
Combine that realization with a healthy dose of Darkness and death may seem imminent.
The only way I found that I can Live is to Move Forward.
The only way I can Move Forward is
once again
to BELIEVE in myself.
Believe in who and what I am
Believe that I'm worth it
Believe that I AM up to it
That I can and will handle ANYTHING that comes at me
That I will not be led to destruction
That even when I am alone
I Will Survive.
https://www.facebook.com/BambooEtcetera/
______________________________________________________
Update #2: Dreaming With My Eyes Open
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfOaH9CGL-Y
Months after not even touching my blog
Even though that last update was basically done
I realize this blog is (among other things) a coping mechanism
For all the emotions I don't know how to deal with.
The ones that hurt or are scary or just have to come out.
Except there's a part of me that enjoys them
And that part of me doesn't want to forget.
I want to remember these emotions.
I want to remember this feeling
When my Heart is pouring out of my fingertips like Fire
I'M on Fire.
My Heart is pumping and burning and I'm writing because I enjoy it and because I have this deep feeling that somehow someday they are going to matter to someone.
I am such a selfish fucking prick.
Everyone tells me I'm a great guy
And GOOD because I'm trying REALLY FUCKING HARD
But I'm usually just doing whatever I want.
I am not following the Dalai-Lama's advice (In the middle of his book now)
I am not devoting my life to the selfless helping of others
To "Alleviating the suffering of sentient beings through all of space."
All I can do is focus on myself and move forward in my life and help the people that cross my path as I can if I can.
That might sound like the attitude of a pretty good dude
But you gotta understand—I'm already on Top of The World
Clean Water
Food in Abundance
Health and Wealth
Existing in Peace with my Loving Family and Friends
The Luxury to work towards my Dreams all day everyday
The Luxury to rest whenever I want to
The Luxury to actually get depressed despite all this over sleeping in, or missing a girl or some other example of my emotions completely overtaking me.
The pain of that Heartache was so great.
I'm afraid of it again and I'm afraid of Her
I'm afraid she'll forget me or leave me or change Her mind about me or see something (like all THIS maybe) that she didn't see before and that'll disappoint Her or scare Her or
Gotta stay down to Earth.
When I get High she's up there.
NO
I have to FACE my FEARS.
EVERY. LITTLE. ONE.
Every insecurity ever worry every anxiety.
Every dumb crazy dark evil hateful insane hurtful idea that this World put into my Head that combine to give horrible ideas to I'm pretty fucking sure every one of us when two particular synapses fire at the same time.
Two ideas mixing together.
It's like making a risotto, what spice you gonna put in there?
idea; Think of Serial Killer
idea; Think of Mom
VVVVVVVVVVVV
How did your brain mix the two ideas?
Did you just imagine your Mom dead?
Or maybe he's busting in the door?
Or maybe you envisioned
Or maybe you saw
Or maybe you're brain didn't mix the ideas and you just have two separate images.
Or maybe you saw all this stuff and more
I don't know—it's YOUR brain!
Your Head.
Your Mind.
Let's put another spice in
remember; Mom, Serial Killer
idea; Superhero
Now whatcha thinkin' about?
Superman?
Or are You the superhero?
And who cares anyways
We're sitting at our computer not doing anything.
But our Minds are constantly taking information in.
Especially when you're out and about and you're interacting with people
Our Minds take in whatever we notice really.
If you're just thinkin' of nonsense all the time (like what you had for lunch and what you're going to have for dinner) and you never have any awareness then you won't notice much about what's going on.
If you pay attention people will have all sorts of signs all over telling you about them.
Or maybe this stuff that decorates people has no meaning to you
But it reminds you of something sub-consciously
And it is those unconscious memories that we have no conscious control over that determines our Emotion.
Or perhaps it only influences it?
Perhaps our conscious being can override the sub-conscious.
If not
Can anyone claim to have free-will?
What if we're just auto-piloting through our day?
Perhaps some people can not or simply do not over ride their sub-conscious
And perhaps it can be said that they do not have free-will?
At least not most of the time.
If someone smacks 'em in the face they'll probably wake up
And then they'll choose what to do
Or maybe not
Maybe they'll just react.
Some people though
Some people are awake all the time
They're noticing things all the time
So they see things coming sometimes
And can figure some way to respond
They can choose what to do when they get smacked in the face.
Every stimulus in our environment maps our consciousness.
We are creating ourself this very moment.
Even if it's something we already know
We simply reinforce that
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAJNm0ApPjk
And there it is.
I feel it.
Another Fear peeling away.
Once you realize your vulnerability to The Universe it takes a lot of faith just to Be.
Combine that realization with a healthy dose of Darkness and death may seem imminent.
The only way I found that I can Live is to Move Forward.
The only way I can Move Forward is
once again
to BELIEVE in myself.
Believe in who and what I am
Believe that I'm worth it
Believe that I AM up to it
That I can and will handle ANYTHING that comes at me
That I will not be led to destruction
That even when I am alone
I Will Survive.
https://www.facebook.com/BambooEtcetera/
