Wednesday, August 28, 2019

I Did It.

The Pacific Ocean came into View.
I pulled LionHeart up over the curb and straddled forward a couple paces while looking down
A sort of suspended feeling of a couple moments as I moved myself to the best space that I could see to stand
Then I looked up
and at last let it all wash over me

“I did it…”
“I did it…”
“I did it.”

Different memories I’d forgotten sprung back into my head
Just simple little moments when I had said, throughout my life,
“One day, I’m gonna ride my bicycle across the country”
And then I began weeping
And I cried for maybe about thirty seconds Just starring at the Ocean
Just Me and My Self in my Boyhood
Trying to tell the little guy,
“Guess what? You’re not the loser you think You are. You’re not as weak and pathetic as you think you are. You’ve got a long long way to go, but Guess What? You make it. You somehow by the Grace of God make it.”

Then some other Beauty comes into my vision, and my very next thought is,
Back to The Ocean
“I DID IT!!”
Back to Reality,
“I wonder what all these people looking at me standing here crying are thinking”
Back to The Ocean
“I DID IT!!!”
Back to My Head
“Do they know this is My Moment. MY MOMENT. I DID IT! Everyone is Here with Me!”
And as I thought of All of My Loved Ones and Everyone Who Helped Me along My Way
I suddenly thought,
"Oh yeah... A Photo!"

And that was My Moment
When I Reached the Pacific Coast
After riding my bicycle across the United States
10,187 miles
One Year, Eleven Months
July 4th, 2019
Two major injuries
One Retreat
(Two Home for Christmas')
Zero Quitting

^^ Be Sure to Watch this one ^^
Full Screen

If You're Just now beginning to read this
Feel Free to continue
But if You'd like to Read about how I Got Here
And All the Struggles I faced
All the Hurdles Life threw in front of Me
All the Adventure along the way
I recommend starting from this chapter and reading on from there:

You can go back to the very beginning if You Want
But my writing and my photography was pretty terrible back then
If You ask Me.
(Maybe save the beginning for a neat-o Prequel if you really dig my story!)
So starting from October 2017, the (first) New Orleans chapter, My Expression is a lot more polished and my Ability to share My Experience through this Medium is much improved
Whether it's Good or Not is up to You
But regardless of what/how much You read of all this
I Do Hope You enjoy and I Do Hope it has an Impact on You.
In addition to speaking to Her and Her and Her...
In addition to Just wanting to capture My Story for myself so I could go back and relive it...
Knowing that others might read it as well and could potentially be inspired by my True Story of Love and Perseverance and Honest Healthy living in a Confusing and Hazardous and Beautiful World
Well, that All Inspired ME to put MY VERY BLOOD into this Book.
And so many Tears I lost count long ago
Sweat, goes without saying...
So even though it started out as maybe a silly little travel blog
In this moment
To Reflect Upon The Moon
Is My Life's Work
My Greatest Accomplishment
And a Fantastic Success.

Just as I look around wondering how to take the best photo for the moment
A Brother named Kade who I passed on my bike as I approached the beach
Tear streaks still on my face I'm sure
I asked him if he could take a couple photos for me
So thanks Brother for these pictures.
I chatted with him for few minutes but then wished him a good day as I Needed to sit and Reflect and Enjoy The Moment
I sat, leaned LionHeart by the bench, and immediately took out my Journal to write down my exact thought process so I wouldn't forget

After that I started thinking about what this might mean to people
My Father and My Mother and little Brother
All My Brothers All My Sisters
My Mentees...
I thought of how I may have inspired them in particular and cried more.
Anyone whom I've Inspired and is reading following my Wild Ride
And especially Her.
What will this moment mean to Everyone?
I Hope I've made You All Happy and Proud.

I Hope at least You think I Deserved it
That I shouldn't of been run over by a Truck somewhere and that You're Glad I've made it
I Hope that even if You can't relate to my Struggles, that by reading this far, You've at least learned what a difficult Road this has been and that I've Persevered and that has been My Battle

Along with Every Other Good Fight I Keep Fightin'

So I Hope You All Do the Same.
Keep Struggling Keep Striving Keep On Keepin' On
Keep Dreaming Keep Hoping Keep Loving
Keep Fightin' the Good Fight!

There are many Beautiful People here.
They are the fore-ground to the Beautiful Ocean.
As I sit here writing and thinking, my fatigue hits me.
Everything is Perfect.
My Needs will be met.
Everyone is okay.
I made it.
I did it.

I'm tired...
What do I Do Now?

I think I'll...
Have the last of my Journey mix
Then dip my tire in the

I walked my LionHeart to the Shore
I pushed it through the sands
a very short distance
Then discovered the wet compacted sand was quite rideable
I rode a bit aways from the crowd to have a little spot of Ocean all to myself
I couldn't resist taking a photo here.
The Moment I Want to Share
Just before dipping my front tire in the Ocean.

I should have prayed first, maybe, but once I begin I know it's okay.
I can hear the people around me
but this is My Moment
so I Just Hope that whatever they See and however they interpret it it's Good.
Then it's Just Me and The Ocean
I stare at it for what feels like forever.
Beautiful thoughts swirling in My Mind from every direction
A wave brings the Ocean right up to me
Perfectly touching my tire but not soaking my shoes
And I Know God is Here with Me
And I begin Weeping

I cry for a few minutes
pangs of Song from My Heart Singing out like the waves that keep reaching now for My Feet.
Suddenly a friendly doggo appears!
I pet the good boi as it puts its snoot into my quick-food bag.
That reminds me of The Journey Mix!
I saved the last bite as my offering
I saved it for The Ocean.

The doggo runs off and I pick up my container. I briefly think about the best way to Give the mixture of blended preserved LOVE and decide to wait for another large wave to come up to me.
I use those moments to think of Everyone who helped me cross this country—whether they put fruit n' nuts into my little jar or not.
Even if they Just cheered me on with a smile
That's Enough.
Thousands of people.

How could I ever be Grateful Enough?
I begin Hoping again that I've inspired people.
I begin Hoping again that I've lifted them up
I begin Hoping again that I taught some folk some things
Then a large wave I was waiting for reaches up and washes over my ankles
Finally soaking my shoes, but I'm Glad for it
and I pour The Journey Mix into The Pacific Waters
A prayer for Everyone Ever who ever put anything in.
The peanuts—I think of My Father
The crispy Hexagons—I think of My Mother
A mulberry—I think of my childhood. Me.
I think of all the times I said it
"My Dream is to Ride My Bicycle across the country one day."
Or said while I was at it,
"It has been My Dream to..."
And begin weeping

Thank You.

I didn't want the Day to End.
Remember those Days?
That are Just so Grand the Sunsets have this Beautiful Sadness to them
And You Wish The Earth could have slowed down its spinning to Give You Just a few more minutes of Light
When I realized the sun would be disappearing behind that ridge
I ran back to the shore so excitedly
To Take this Photo

Brother had also told me of the Nature Preserve on the top of the cliff
So after the Sunset on the beach I headed up here to camp
There was a huge felled Tree to camp around
I sat here Writing and enjoyed a treat I'd been saving and watched the fireworks on the horizon
It was Perfect.

I laid my offering by this blooming flower bush
And Prayed for My own Love to Bloom into My Life

 I Prayed for Perfect Moments
 For All of You.

The Sounds of The Waves Sounded Sweet in My Ears

Those Waves Soothed Me All Night.
I don't think I'll ever hear Waves the same way again.

 I woke up still feeling exhausted and sore and totally out of food and had maybe like four dollars and didn't know where to go anyways
The only reason I was able to get myself up at all were the many people walking their dogs by
In particular, the good boi that came up to me as I lay and started licking my face
Good Morning!
I dragged myself up to the comfortable spot atop the log I sat last night and wrote in My Journals and met people as they came by walking their doggos or just to look out over the beach.
Thank You to the wonderful folk that gave to me (so I could enjoy a celebratory pizza!) and took these two photos (:
Extremely slow moving
Energized only by the Emotions of the moment (and my Desire of pizza)
It took me the entire morning but I eventually got my gear loaded up and then set out to Explore and Enjoy the City of Santa Barbara!

So I find my way to some overpriced pizza that I was told was pretty good
But I spent about half of what I had along the way buying supplies for folk in Need so I can't afford the deep-dish pizza I wanted and can only get a sort of dinky little personal pizza
They charge a dollar for each topping and I got basil and they put like one basil leaf on and it's like, come on, if you're gonna rip me off you can at least actually put the topping on the pizza.
I probably should have listened to the homeless man I fed and went to that pizza place he suggested but I was pretty sold on the deep-dish pizza.
Though that was only because I wanted to relive the experience of deep-dish pizza in Chicago when I made some real friends there and we all went for pizza together and I'll always remember that and them.
So I impatiently went and bought a pizza and didn't get deep-dish anyways.
Luckily the people sitting next to me left half their pizza behind on their table and two unfinished salads and I Just went ahead and helped the staff clean that up.

Santa Barbara is a pretty neat town
I have fun just poking around
But I'm tired and famished so there's a part of me that Just wants to get Peanut Butter and curl up into a little ball somewhere and eat it and go to sleep
But I Belay My Peanut Butter Craving and instead continue my Search for Friends and non-PB Food
I go by an asian noodle bowl restaurant and someone left a half finished bowl of Udon (my favorite) Just sitting on the table
So that's Obviously meant for me and I really enjoy that
But that enlightens Me to the fact that people probably leave food on the tables outside all the time and if I'm there at Just the right time I could luck out.
Sure enough I find a few more dishes around
The half piece of Carrot Cake was pretty special
I wouldn't want a whole piece anyways

I come upon some venue away from the main stretch filled with very well dressed attendants
Obviously it's a private event
But I walk in anyways
Oh cool Free Food
I grab a cookie, then look for someone to talk to
As I eat the cookie, the staff inform me it's a private event and I have to go
"Oh! I'm sorry! I Just thought it looked like a nice place! See yah (:"
I walk by the food table and snag a big hunk of cheese on my way out
I munch on it as I ride
Laughing with the full of my lungs all the way down the street

I see a woman of the streets and approach her,
"Pardon me Sister, Do You Need anything?"
She looks down, then back up, into my eyes intensely
"I Need a Blanket."
"Okay, well, I only have a tarp, but I've been using it as a blanket, so You can have that if You want."
"...I Need a blanket."
She apparently didn't understand...
I pull my tarp out from under my bungee cords and present it to her
"This is my blanket. You can have it if You want it."
She takes the tarp
"Alright. Is there anything else You need, Sister?"
Holding the tarp in one hand, she looks around then back at me again
"I Need a Blanket."
"I Just Gave You My Blanket!!"
I ride off, hoping She'll at least figure out how to be less cold.

I eventually came upon The Funk Factory
A warehouse that has been converted into an Art Space by Brother Luke to not only showcase his Art but also as a space for people to come by and Just Be
I found Care here
Luke gave me Food
I really Needed both...
Like Steady Rhythms in Sedona
I was able to chill out, plug-in (to the community and to the wall for my wood burner!), and Rest and Make Art!
These open spaces that aren't Just trying to run a business/turn a profit but have higher ideals of Community, Collaboration, and the Spread of Positive/Progressive Ideas are essential to the Health of Higher Thought within their Communities.

We Need waaaay more of them throughout the Country
That's for sure!
It's a big difference between
"Hi! Welcome! What's Your Name?"
"If you're not buying something you have to leave.
Sorry the bathroom is for customers only."

This is the Moreton Bay Fig Tree
The Largest Fig Tree in the United States!
Every time I passed by I stopped to enjoy some its special gifts!
Yummy Fresh Figs :D

"Who else could be meant for You
Than the Man who Survived Your Poison?"

Your Poison
Is My Antidote

 I woke up in the corner of this Church's parking lot
Groggily watching people pulling in and heading inside
They were all looking anywhere but my general direction
But I figured they might help me if I knocked on the door

They have this poster hanging outside
I found the door the visitors were heading into and gave a knock
I was met by a man who just ajared the door a bit, peering around from behind the door through the small opening he'd made.
He informed me it was a Tai Chi class,
"Oh. Cool! May I Join?"
"Well... It's actually kind of an advanced class..."
"...How Do You Know I don't practice Tai Chi?"
"It's... It's not open to the public... I'm afraid..."
"Hmm. Alright. Well, is there a restroom I might be able to use?"
"No. No, I'm sorry. I can't do that."
As he spoke thus, I noticed that same "BE THE CHURCH" poster hanging on the wall behind him, and a woman performing some pretty basic Tai Chi movements underneath.
"Alright. Well, hey. While You practice your Tai Chi today, give that poster there a read and Reflect on that.
Good Day."
And I walked off with my full bladder
Hoping he reflects upon the message of that sign through his entire class.

Then I pissed on a Tree in the corner of the parking lot and left

I headed to Trader Joe's to get some peanuts only Peanut Butter
(They got it for only two dollars! Yaaaaaas)
and then went to a nearby park to have breakfast where I met Simon
A veteran of the Navy who lives in the park
I chat with him a while and we share stories and he tells me about a nearby Kumquat Tree
Simon can't get Kumquats himself as he's confined to his wheelchair so I go and harvest him a nice big bag of 'em
I return to hand him the kumquats and learn Ganja helps him with various mental and physical pain
A Brother named Tom gave me a joint a while ago as a Congratulatory gift
I Love Ganja, but I don't Need it
It's not medicine for Me
Actually, I don't really even want it, unless I'm having a Special Night with a Special Lady
Or as I like to say
Romantic Candlelit Dinner Kinda Guy

Truly, my Greatest Joy and Bliss all come from being with a partner.
So much so that I'd rather save most cool/fun experiences for when I'm with someone
I was invited to a Peyote Ceremony—I'd literally have an emotional meltdown when all the pressed in Emotions pour out
Grand Canyon—I'd Just Wish She was there
Any sort of imbibing—What's the point alone?
I've Never understood these Men that go to Bars, Alone or with male friends, and Drunken themselves
I don't understand it at all
This unending Lonesomeness is so difficult for Me to manage...

Anyways, I give Simon the Ganja from Tom, then promise him I'll come back before I leave town with another Special Gift and we can hang out and chat some more
Then ride over to the Main Beach area (not Arroyo Burro) I'd been hearing about

Well, There She Is.

I went to the pier to craft bamboo (had my PB so I was feeling good)
God, with a very clear instruction that I was overjoyed to follow, pointed me to a little gift store. All it said was, "Shells."
I thought of the five-dollars from Barbara, the Angel of Yucca Valley, and how that Just might be the perfect place to find the gift for Her that I want to buy with it.
Sure enough, the store was filled with lots of turtles!
I perused for couple minutes, but there was a particular necklace that made My Heart Well up.
I thought,, "Oh. She's gonna Love this."
I only had the $five and it was a few times more, so I had to go make a few dollars.
I was going to craft pipes but a man walking by with a tambourine convinced me to busk.

So I got to playing, and started making a dollar now and then after I warmed up.
When I was Just about there, a Sister (whom I had noticed before) Just comes right up to me and wants to Join forces to garner more funds together.
"It's all about the money, right?"
"Not for Me! It's all about makin' a friend! Wanna be my Friend?"
And so it was.
She never actually gave me Her Name
Sister worked Just fine
But all I can say is
She was Perfect and Exactly What I Need and Want

She invited me back to Her camp along the beach where She is set up with Her two friends.
I was happy Just to be included with some people.
These were the first folk that wanted to hang out with me beyond the initial greeting/conversation.
Additionally, despite my expression with the word "Sister"

I am very attracted to this Gal
and Feeling an undeniable longing that I can't help but follow

I don't want to break my vow
I don't want to be Alone either.
I don't want to Take Someone that isn't meant for Me
I don't Want something that isn't Mine
Is She meant for Me?
Here and Now?
May I Live and Love?
Can I?

Have You ever Needed to talk to someone so badly that nothing else really even mattered?
Not Sex
Not Your Work
Not Food or Fun
Not even Dreams

If You called Me
If You sent me a message
Even if All You Wrote was
My entire Reality would change.
I would immediately shift to finding some place to store bicycle and gear and get to a train as soon as possible.
If it was an emergency I'd throw the thing on the ground borrow money from my Mom and take a Plane

I would have thrown My Dream on the ground any Given Moment for You
All You ever had to Do was Call for Me

That was the reason I left Carbondale and returned home
Rather than Just finding some work and staying there while my knee healed
Because You told Me You Wanted to hang out
That changed Everything from,
"Okay this is tough but it's an Adventure and pretty Awesome too!"
"What Am I even Doing Here!?!?"

 She had sent me a nice text on my birthday while I was in Carbondale
But otherwise, nothing.
I had made this same vow, then (quietly to myself)
To Be Celibate until I reached Her
But I didn't have the Strength
Not Mentally nor Emotionally.
That's why I was Unstable and having such a hard time then.
Because I'd given such a Real Piece of myself away but then wasn't with that person and rather saw them Living fine without Me not even talking to Me as I moved away from them towards a long lonely Road that I Believed would Destroy Me.

I am in That Same Space now
But I'm Stronger
And it's for the Right person this time.
I Do Not and Will Not Denounce My Love for Her
I'm Thankful for All that She did Give to Me.
 The moments with Her were so Real though and Healed Me so Much and I Cherish them so Deeply
She was a Girl of My Dreams
But it's Obvious now
I Shouldn't have Just accepted You saying we were, "Just Friends" because we Obviously weren't.
I Should Have realized what I had with You.
I Should Have Waited for You.
I Should Have Fought for You.
I Should Have Chosen You.

It's like there are two completely

Separate selves in Me

Don't conclude My Love isn't Real

Just because You don't understand what this Hollowness is.

In fact I pray that You don't.

God's Love is Perfect

Ours is Human
Prone to Failure

God Helps Us in Our Endeavors and Heart's Desires
While trying to Guide Us onto a Good Path

We Fall to Temptation
We Get Distracted
We Break Our Promises

We're All Searching for it
All Looking for it

Humans Coming Together in Perfect Union
Divine Love
Upon This Earth
hat Perfection
To Literally Build that Meaning
We each Need to Jump
Choose each other
Lean on each other

Like that photo of Us in Your Room

At Her camp I meet Her friends and impress them with my fire building skills. It's cold and breezy along the beach, but the wind keeps the fire stoked and I tend to it as Her and I chat about various Philosophical and Spiritual Stuffs.
She's Beautiful
And Perfect.
No, More than that
She is Exactly What I Need
It's almost like we're meant to be
But My Heart doesn't work right anymore
It goes in and out of Feeling and Numbness
Like an old engine puttering along
The Space within is already claimed
Just Abandoned
So She can probably get away with squatting for however long She pleases
But to establish any actual ownership I don't even know what She'd have to Do.
But She's Perfect
And to meet Her here and now, in Santa Barbara, after completing my Goal...
I Genuinely Desire Her
And the Purer that Want becomes

The more Beautiful the Dreams this side of me can come up with

The closer this side of me gets to choosing that
When it's not about Giving Up or Giving In
When it's not about My Integrity or My Future or My Pain
When it's Just about Living my Life
Right Here in Front of Me

And there's Nothing Wrong with any of it at all

Then that's the line where My Mind won't be able to Wrangle My Heart
And I'll make the Choice
To Love Her

There's nothing about Her I don't Want

If it wasn't for Everything Everyone else in My Heart I'd be falling flat on my face right now in pursuit of Her.
Hollowness comes and goes, waves of Numbness and intense Emotions of Desire and Want and Love.
Is it Love?
It could be.
It sure could Be.
But, it won't Be.

After a while of great conversation She retires
and I leave to go and sleep at a Church.

After attending Church and being blessed by the pastors there with some Food and money, I headed back downtown towards the library.
Along the way, I found some spiky looking Fruit things.
Within were nuts...
The nuts were kind of yummy!
I had a couple dozen...
As I continued on to the library I gave most of the food from the church away.
Those granola bars are my favorite, so it's not like I didn't Want them...
But there are Just so many folk in Need
and I was doing my Sunday lite-Fast
so I gave it all away.

They don't have enough computers at this library so I was only able to be on for an hour, which means I only got like twenty minutes of work in.
Usually takes me at least an hour to get situated, get through facebook/e-mail, and into the Zone to write.
Afterwards I go to State Street to craft bamboo but ended up busking in the hope of getting a friend or a meal—preferably both.
I soon met a Brother named Joe.
I offered him some of the spiky ball nuts and he informs me that they are toxic.
"Who told ya that!?"
"A Ranger."
" Toxic??"

So he goes off and pretty soon I started feeling pretty ill.
A Brother named Daniel came by and gave me some almonds and cheese.
My stomach felt off and I couldn't handle the cheese but the almonds helped a lot.
On my way to get bread for the cheese (and for my stomach) I meet this cool couple in Orange Jump Suits!
Brother James says he wants to bless me with a meal, which is exactly what I Need.
Sister runs off and James and I head into a healthy looking Cafe I'd Wanted to check out.
He insists on buying me forty dollars worth of food, even ordering me a second veggie Zen burger.
We chat for a couple minutes and he goes on a Journal Journey and I give him a cool hat, a cross, and one of Micheal's bullets.
Then he runs off, presumably to catch up with his lady.
His generosity was astounding, and I eat the food gratefully, until...

I stand and march to the bathroom.
I'm trying to hold it down but a small amount of liquid shoots out of my mouth onto the carpet.
No big deal, I'm gonna make it
I reach for the bathroom door and...
There are number buttons.
They have the bathrooms under Lock and Code here
Presumably to stop folk of The Streets from walking in and using the bathroom.
"That is so..."
as I fall to one knee,
and vomit Everything in my stomach out onto the floor in front of the locked bathroom door.
I'm Sorry James...
I'm Sorry Daniel...

After vomiting for a couple minutes I wobble to the front.
I wasn't yet aware of the vomit all on my face but I knew I was a mess
The front staff look up at me with concerned looks.
I say in a groggy hazed voice, "I think it's pretty lame y'all lock your bathroom doors..."
"...I think I have a case of mild food poisoning. I unfortunately Just threw up. May I please use the restroom?"
"Oh. Yeah. Yeah..."

So I clean myself at the sink then clean up my pile of FAILURE even though the Natural Cafe staff tells me not to worry about it.
I clean up my own messes.
No one should have to deal with this dump of bile but me.
Once that's taken care of and I wash my hands and my face again I apologize to the staff and they inform me they're closed and I have to leave.
I shuffle to the grocery store and spend the seven dollars Pastor Jake gave me on bread and oat milk for my stomach, along with two bananas, a drink for a man outside, and some brownie butter desert hummus I grab impulsively.
As I set these things down at the register,
"Uhm, hold on one moment" and I rush outside and vomit a bunch of food matter I had no idea was still in my system by the door, unable to reach the bushes in time.

I stagger back in, apologize, and purchase my affordable food.
I Give the man outside the drink he asked for, then ride to the Beautiful Catholic Church I found the other night
Our Lady of Sorrows.
There's No Trespassing signs everywhere
which wouldn't stop me if I was planning to fly outta town in the mornin'
but seen as how I'd like to not be bothered I scan the perimeter and find a nice dark spot behind the dumpsters.

I lay my mat down, get my pants and High Desert Plaid on, then promptly vomit and shit in the bushes to the side.
This Time it was good to not be sleeping in the beautified inner courtyard.
I dug a hole and buried it anyways but I'd of felt real bad spewing out all these bodily fluids there.
I eat some bread and drink a bit of oat milk (which helps phenomenally) before sleeping for not too long and waking up to vomit it all out. I repeat this at least two more times through the night. I think the bread and oat milk combo helped soak up the toxins and get them out of me. They definitely helped settle my stomach between regurgitations. I realize at one point,
"Hey! This is Just like Into The Wild!"
Except it's Just The Wilds of downtown Santa Barbara instead of a remote school bus, so I was able to easily get life saving supplies, and not Die.
Then I vomited

Some hours later I'm awoken by a man threatening to call the police.
I appeal to his sense of compassion to allow me to rest behind the dumpsters but he's firm on the enforcement of keeping the property private,
"Hey. Buddy. Ya can't sleep here. Ya have to go."
"I can't sleep over here by the dumpsters?"
"No, this is private property, you have to leave."
"Don't you think the decent compassionate thing to do would be to let a man rest?"
"I don't want to have to call the police."
"Alright alright. I'm leaving. I'll be gone soon."

Glad he doesn't know about the pool of bile and shit and dirt buried Just behind me.
Aside from various abuses of Power, Evil Unforgivable Scandals, and complete mismanagement/mishandling of valuable resources bestowed upon them, I actually like the Catholic Church.
I like how they Venerate many of the women of antiquity, such as Mother Mary.
So next time I'm awoken like this, I'll Just say,
"Oh! Don't worry! I'm Catholic!
Yes, I Am a Member of The Church!"
Then they should allow me to sleep by their dumpsters—Right?

I dragged myself over to the library and waited a bit.
My stomach was definitely sensitive but I hadn't thrown up in a bit so I slowly ate the second Zen veggie burger James had got me.
How'd He know I'd Need Two!?
 The library opens and I head in Jump on a comp and start writing, sort of.
After my night of vomiting and not getting enough sleep and being chased off from The Official Church of Jesus Christ, and not having any more food and subsequently being rather out of it, I hardly get any work done on my book, so I decided I Needed some Shelter.
I haven't really been using Couchsurfing or warmshowers
But I probably should have sent some messages out sooner, to recover.
I definitely really Needed a good night's rest in that moment though so with my remaining time on the computer I send out several messages on both sites.
As I'm there I can't help but keep looking up and around.
 I had mentioned the other night that I would be at the library working on my book
She said She might come by...
I don't think I can accurately express the profound space of Ambivalence I found myself in then somewhere between Relief and Disappointment

There are No Doubts nor Questions of My Love for Her at all
I Know I'm going to Love Her, Forever
But My Needs My Emotional Stability My Mental Health
How about Just being Happy?
 Well those things are more difficult to manage in this space
So there's this Huge Conflict in Me
Her—Keep Going Keep Fighting Prayer Sadness Loneliness Maddening Pain
Her—Love Fun Rest Pleasure Quitting Loss of My Integrity Potential Loss of Her

So unless I'm there in that moment Just Being I can't make that choice
I can't try for Her
I can't be riding around the city Searching for Her
I can't go back over to Her camp to say "Yo!"
I can't even Pray and ask for Her
If that means I don't get Her then that's what that means
If that means I ruin another potential opportunity for Love then that's what that means
If that means I have to continue being Alone and have to continue managing the mass of painful negative emotions that come along with that every day
then that's what that means.
And I get so frustrated and feel so constrained by it All
It's not Just Love and Relationship and Sex and Intimacy
(It's mostly those things but even beyond all that)
It's having to be Alone all the damn time it's having to have these walls up with everyone it's not being able to be myself and having to do this Perception Dance with people all the fucking time.
I guess Everyone has to deal with these things though, in some way.

I check Her FB and see a post about being a Mermaid and leading Men to their Deaths.
She hasn't made it easy to wait for Her
She's made it impossible actually.
It is only by my own Design
Words I've Spoken
And the Actions I take to try to Live up to them
That I have found myself in this frustrating position
And as far as I'm concerned that's My Free Will.
This is all My Choice
I don't Regret it At All it's Just Difficult and Painful and I'm imbalanced
So if God brought Her to Me
If I couldn't deny that as Truth
And if My Heart is going to actually Feel something
I would Follow that.
I would Have To.

I luck out and get a Host for the following evening!
So Just one more Night out then I'll be able to really Rest.
I Write as much as I can then leave the library rather drained but in high enough spirits to continue my Santa Barbara Adventure

I find my way to Valhalla
A pretty awesome looking Martial Art Training Space
I'm quite out of it so I don't intend to train at that moment
But I go in to inquire about a Trial class and am given the schedule and am invited to return whenever
When I leave Valhalla, I stop and think what I should do next
To my left is the Trader Joe's
I'd like to get some violin practice in and maybe earn a few dollars so I can get more Peanut Butter and banans and extra food to share with folk and craft a pipe for Simon like I promised
That could wait though...
To my Right, the Beach. I could craft some pipes and maybe make friends or Just have some cool interaction.
She is also that direction...

I'm not about to go and look for Her
But if She happens to walk by
That's where that Happening might Happen to Happen.
I think about it for quite some time
Just standing outside Valhalla
Looking Left and Right
Rolling the Feeling of each around in My Heart
Reviewing Intentions to My Right
Reviewing Loneliness to My Left
Friends... That's what they said...
Peanut Butter. It'd make me happy for a couple minutes.
She didn't even Give Me Her name
Just Sister...
And I figure the Peanut Butter can wait and I won't Lose My Soul/Integrity/All Hope for the Future if I Just see if She walks by
So I turn Right

Not that I had any intention of Breaking my Vow
But that might have been the first time I hadn't ran away and rather moved toward a potential Connection since Being With Her
Which was about two years and 7,000 miles ago
(Not including my Winter Endeavors towards Her, Her, and Her, of course)

So many folk on the streets of Santa Barbara
I do what I can
Share my Food
Ask folk what they Need
Correct them when they think they need a cigarette or alcohol or some other poison drug
People Need to Learn to Take Care of themselves
Help Themselves
When they're Healthy and Stable, then they can Help others
When they Help others they'll find Love
Then they'll find Jesus
Or they can seek him first and go to Church and find him there

But yeah it's the same here as every city I've been too
Lots of folk wandering, stuck, on the streets
Stuck in their own pursuits to feed their lower wants
Without regard to their Health or the well-being of those around them

On the way to the beach I see the woman I gave my tarp to the other day
I notice she doesn't have it
I stop and offer her food
She doesn't Want any Bread, Fruit, Beans, or Vegetables
She wants some cash or change
Instead of responding to that, I Just ask her,
"Do You Need a blanket?"
Her head pops up, "Yes!"
"Well what happened to the one I gave you the other day?"
She suddenly seems to recognize me
"That was the only blanket I had. Because I gave You that I've been sleeping cold, and I don't have one to give You now. Now neither of us have one."
She explains how she put it down and someone took it.
I give her a lecture about taking care of herself and how we all, through the entirety of our lives, have to learn how to take care of ourselves.
And those that do a better job of it are Stronger.
And that makes sense, Right?
She nods in agreement, seemingly
And if she learned anything and changes her behavior for the better at all then that's worth the tarp and sleeping cold for a few nights.
She then says, "Hey, let's go over here."
And I say, "No. I Am going to The Beach right now. I'm Just trying to help You.
God Bless."
Then Ride away.

I had my bamboo all out but felt like playing violin first
I saw someone wearing a shirt that said
"Change the Culture"
This is a rich town
Lots of stores and shops
If You have money you have lots of things to do
Lots of random things you can acquire
If You don't have any money
Then I guess you can't get the chocolate you Want
For me though, I don't really even Want it, if I'm not sharing it with someone
I don't really care to enjoy most of the city's sights and pleasures, alone like this
So I spend my time gathering resources
Then disseminating those resources to those that Need them
Sneaking in some Ministry as I can
"Jesus said, 'You have received Freely, so Give Freely as Well.'"
The exchange/Giving facilitates the connection
In Jesus' Name, I'm promoting Sharing and Caring
And promoting Health and Self-Care
(I'm passing out healthy foods like Bread and fresh fruit, not potato chips and candy)
I haven't been DD'n
I could
And in a town like this I'm sure I'd probably be getting more resources for my time than most of the workers here gather via their paid jobs per hour (which I think is funny)
But Rescuing food isn't respected and I've learned it's not more Resources people really Need.
The Resources are available
Once again, it's Self-Care People Need
People Need to Get Up and Help Themselves
They Need to choose to Care and Do Whatever they Need to Do
For Themselves!
(That's why the Gift of Food comes with a pep talk!)
So with no one to celebrate my achievement with (besides the facebook post I made)
I've really just been Serving and Surviving on the streets.
I'd been Hoping
For months I'd been Hoping
That You would See it and say something to me...

So I close the case of my violin
I don't Need a dollar
I Just want to Play
I Just want to get people to smile
Every time I do, especially if it's a kid, I Feel a satisfaction much more Pure than when someone obligatorily throws some coins in the case.
One guy walks by while I'm experimenting with a cool sound I figured on the A string and his eyes open up and he mutters, "Woah that sounds coooool"
and I Just smile.

I stop to feed a man
Give him my last can of beans (I didn't even have any)
And I'm chatting with him when She Just jumps in front of me with a, "Hey!"
I'm happy and excited to See Her.

I'm closed off and not letting myself get excited.

It'll Just be more disappointing when I reflexively put up a wall that shuts Her out and that'll be the end of it
Or, I'll do something not perfect but quite invariably Me which may turn Her off towards me which I may notice but I can only try so hard to impress before it comes to a point where I conclude, "Oh, it's not for me. It's not a gift. I'm actually going against my word here and being a creep."
And that's exactly what happens.

I enjoy being with Her and Her friends again and sharing a meal.
I'm not alone for a while and Feel, Hope at least, that I'm actually making some Friends.
Which is how I Want things to Be.
I Want a Friend I Want a Real Connection I Want to take it slow and talk about Everything and spend Time with someone to the point where we actually mean something to each other and I'm not Just a jar of Peanut Butter to Her.
We walk along the beach path until we get to a park area that has picnic tables and grills.
I help get a fire going again on one of the grills and we heat up English muffins with sauce and I share some Mango salsa and Almond cheese I obtained
(they can make cheese out of Almonds now. Amazing).
We Just walk and talk and hang out and it's pretty nice and I Feel like I have some friends for a bit
but after the meal maybe I walked too far with them maybe I stopped being entertaining enough
I don't know
But it stopped Feeling like "yay New Friend" and more like "Why's he still here?"

And then there's the part of Me that Wants to get close enough that both of Our Light Bends to Our Gravity
Awareness of that
And Want for It.

And Shame for It.
So I Just stop and they walk on
She notices and yells back a goodbye with a wave I Can Barely See through The Darkness and that's pretty much it and I'm left Just feeling ashamed yet again that I felt any Desire at all and embarrassed I let my Mind even wonder wander down a path of furthering a connection with a Beautiful gal I vibe with because GOD FORBID and would have potentially broken my Vow for You because of all that

So it's Impossible
If I'm going to pursue someone my Whole Heart has to be into it
Otherwise I'm not going to be Feeling anything
Anything but Doubt
I can See Her as Sister
I can have high Intentions of wanting to Teach
I can even have Honest Intentions of Wanting to Build a Meaningful and Trusting Relationship
But if some part of My Heart is holding on for You
Then I don't have anything Real or Substantial to Give
And if I'm going to go for something purely Physical
Then I'm going against Everything I stand for and I Lose All My Integrity
Never mind waste this Gift of myself that I'm trying to Save for You

And that's what I Need and I know that
I Need Your Care.
I Need our Story to Be Repaired
I Care about my Sister in general
But I don't really Care what develops between Her and I because it doesn't mean anything
It can't mean anything
Nothing beyond God Wanting to Feed Me
and that won't Heal Me
It won't change My Heart it won't change what I want what I've been asking for Hoping for Praying for

I Just don't Want to be Alone
I Deserve Love and Company but it doesn't matter what I Deserve all that matters is where my Heart is at and it's right here
Staring at the Moon
Alone on The Beach
Thinking of You

I slept on the Beach that Night
The sound of the waves calmed me and lulled me to Rest
Waking up was particularly Serene as well.
Why haven't I been sleeping on the beach every night!?

Breakfast on The Beach!
Get my day started Right with what's left of the Almond Cheese and fresh Mango Salsa atop some Good Bread!

After taking my Time on the beach and completely skipping my morning workout I head back to the library to work on This 'til it's time to go to my host's home.
I got my hands on a jar of Almond Butter and wanted to try an experiment I had the idea for so I stop at the 99 cent store to get the ingredients.
I pass by a Farmer's Market and purchase some Raw Local honey for my hosts as a small token of gratitude.
I'm also given several perfect plums
But by the time I get to the library I've given them all away without even having one

Santa Barbara Special!
Chocolate Strawberry Banan Almond Butter!

Freeze-dried BanaNanas
Freeze-dried Strawberries
Cocoa Powder
Dash of Turmeric

Grind the freeze-dried fruit into a powder
Then just mix it all in!
Have with fresh strawberries and bnans!

Experiment Success!
I enjoyed it with a couple plums I'd picked off the ground from a Plum Tree I had found (;

I Need to have Hope
In order to make Wise Choices and push myself to Excel
I Need to Believe that My Efforts and Works and Accomplishments Will one day be Seen.
I Need to Believe that My Love and Care and Expressions Will one day be Recognized.

I like camping out.
I like finding different and fun spots to sleep in.
Once one is proficient at laying down/packing up bedding quickly and discreetly it's Just a lot of Fun!
I like being self-sufficient.
Not relying on anyone.
Though I Do Need some help now and then...
But regardless of limits reached or toxic nuts consumed or maybe Just really really needing a shower
Having the Knowledge, Gear, and Hardiness to Sustainably Exist in at least most of the Environments around Our Country makes Me Free.
That's something I Am Absolutely Thankful for.
It changes my entire Paradigm, in fact.
I'm not reliant on the system in place.
I don't Need a shitty Job to pay for shit I don't Need.
My time is better spent at a library learning something I Want to learn
Investing in My Self and My Knowledge
Or Writing My Own Book.

And I'm pretty Sure if I had a partner we'd both be excelling.

There are a whole bunch of idiots in this country that judge a lifestyle like this and label it, "Homeless"
But they're generally really dumb.
And by dumb I mean disconnected from the authentic experience of being human.
First of All, it's Just crazy to Judge someone based on their lack-of resources/shelter/opportunity, as if that says anything about their character at all.
Secondly, cars and supermarkets were only invented in the last century, but most people these days don't know how to live without them.
And that's Just fine, but to Judge people as Less Than or Beneath You because they have this alternative/underground lifestyle, or have been branded by the institutions in place and now can't find an opportunity for stable income, or have developed chemical dependencies and lack a Loving Support Structure to help them Beat that, or however else one becomes "Homeless," is Insane.
It is totally Insane to Judge someone for being on The Street.
How does it make any sense that someone stuck underneath our established systems, or perhaps those systems even working against them, is a bad person Just because of their position of Need?
People do that though because they don't want to Judge themselves for Not Helping, or they don't want to entertain the reality that our systems aren't perfect and Life isn't Fair and Good People get hardships wreaked upon them all the Damn Time.
I'll never forget the lecture I received from an older lady that said I Needed to Give Up on Everything I'm working towards and get a job at McDonalds and that that would be a greater contribution to society from me as then I'd be paying taxes or something.
Do I Need to explain how much of a waste of my Time and Potential that would be?
Do I Need to illustrate all of the positive effects I have on people I meet every day in physical, mental, and even spiritual ways?
Do I Need to give a lecture on one of my Core Philosophies that We Are What We DO and I Want to Be an Adventuring Farming Building Loving Warrior not a Fucking Burger Flipper.
Do I Need to demonstrate the wealth of knowledge I have gathered in All of these fields (and more!) and am continuing to actively pursue as I Literally Work towards My Dreams?
No, I don't.
I told the Lady she could think whatever she wanted about me
But there was absolutely no way I'd be following a word of her terrible advice
And trying to cast me as "Homeless" and look down on me Just shows me how dumb she is.

So the couchsurfing and warmshowers websites are nice
Especially when ya Need a break from the rigors of outdoor life.
The other great use of it is as one is approaching a city, to send out lots of messages then and, chances are, at least one person will be able to help out in some way, generally at least one night of shelter, and that can reeeeally help ya Land in the City on both feet.
Ideally though you get a couple nights and have a spot within the city to branch out and explore from and gather information
Then when the promised Guest Period has ended one ideally has a friend!
Obviously one wouldn't want to disrupt or impose, it's important not to take too much in every and all interactions really, but as a traveler any and all support can really go a long way, so with a friendship established, it's Just really great to know there's at least someone in the city that has your back and somewhere you can go in case of some sort of emergency/high-Need situation.

The point of what I'm trying to get at though is this:

If one can keep up with the physical and mental challenges of it
(which aren't as hard as you think so long as one is prepared and healthy and paces oneself and knows how to find available resources and services when in Need)
Living on a Bicycle is an Amazing Way of Life
And in my opinion the Best Way to Travel by far

A HUGE THANK YOU to Marianne and her Family for opening their Home to Me and allowing me to Rest and recuperate and bathe and clean my clothes and get a bunch of real work in on This and of course all the amazing food y'all shared (especially your amazing Breads!)
It's so Healing to Just be in a Space where I know I don't have to worry about anything I can Just relax and be fed and Focus and Feel and not have to deal with crowds (usually fine) or librarians (usually nice) or library computer time limits (usually reasonable).
After two Nights of Rest (that day in between especially Healing. I didn't do anything but eat and write and sleep) I bid Marianne and her lovely family and home adieu and head to the library to get a bit more work in 'til they close.
(A lot goes into this, y'know)!

As I'm getting off the computer at the library after a fairly good session of work on This
I glance over and see a man of The Streets watching Pornography
lol wtf
Never-minding the inappropriateness of that
I'm reminded of ancient feelings from my youth.
It's a video of eight Beautiful ladies doing' stuff to each other with their mouths
That sort of stuff isn't happening in Connecticut, any where, ever
At least, not as far as I know.
As far as I know, it's happening in Florida, it's happening in random Eastern European countries, and it's happening here, on the West Coast.
I didn't plan to be Celibate
She means so much to me...
And I know what's important
Meaningful Trusting Relationships
Love and Care and Friendship
And that's why...
But from the beginning I Wanted to find these events
From the beginning of My Journey


to have Good Exciting Sexual encounters
Where is it happening?

I'm actually extremely Sex-Positive.
As I've written before
I can let go of feelings of Jealousy rather easily
Which I think is a Higher Way of Being
if not some special Ability I have.
For Example—Camelot wouldn't have Fallen if Arthur Just summoned Lancealot and Guinevere to his chambers and they all Smoked Up and had a Groovy Time together
That's All I'm sayin'!

Not that the Sanctity of Marriage is something I don't respect
But People are People
Some aren't very sexual at all
They're perfectly happy in their monogamous relationship spanning their lifetime and their fidelity to each other means Everything to them and neither partner really needs or even Wants any sort of extra-marital affair.
Then there are people that are extremely sexual and are going to be Deeply unsatisfied in such a sexually constraining monogamous relationship and Just honestly won't be happy without at least being able to explore different sexual partners.
I don't believe there's One Right Way
The Right Way is whatever works for People to Be and Stay Together and Love Each Other and Not Hurt each other.

Right now
I Just Want to Be Okay...

 And I'm trying

But I Need Your Help.

A lot of folk generally look down upon hedonism and other wild sexual shenanigans as sinful
I Define Sin as when one chooses a Worldy Physical Pleasure over LOVE
Enjoying some spirits at the end of your day—pretty reasonable
Ignoring the Hungry Man in Need outside the package store because you're too busy feeding that desire within yourself—pretty sinful.
Just talk to the man a minute and find out if You can help him at all
Or offer him some Bread, at least.
Anyways, all the ladies in that video I happened to see at the library seemed to be having a nice time with each other
What was happening in that video didn't look like a sin

I've seen videos that looked like a sin
Staged and unstaged...
They were disturbing and hurtful
That's what's WRONG

What's Wrong about people coming together enjoying pleasure together?
In my opinion they all aught be really great friends afterwards after sharing such an intimate experience.
Build Meaningful Trusting Caring Relationships!
Intimate experiences have the power to facilitate that.
So I don't see the problem with safe consensual hedonism
In moderation I suppose
Too much medicine, even, will Hurt You...
But why anyone would Judge them for it is beyond me

Judge Monsters for Hurting people

So Two Big Thumbs Up from me for people having consensual physical fun with each other.

I'm still Lost though
Just glancing at that video made me Feel pangs of deep longing and loneliness
Why doesn't anyone Want Me?
I don't think I'm that unattractive
I Work really hard I could be more tone but I'm Strong.
This is why I overeat
I have no motivation at all to look good at all
Who the fuck cares?
I don't stare at myself in the mirror
I go for weeks without taking my clothes off at all
No one is enjoying my Love
No one is Touching Me

As far as I'm concerned it's all Just a Wild Modern Fantasy.
Going out to Bars or Shows or whatever gathering places to hopefully Meet someone you're attracted to and Connect with them and Love each other however the two of you want to Love.
Fun and Beautiful
Casual yet Meaningful
That Just doesn't Happen.
If others are pulling it off Great I'm happy for them ecstatic in fact
Two Big Thumbs Up

But it Just doesn't Happen for Me.
So as far as I can tell the whole idea of it is a complete Illusion.

This Love I Carry Now is Real.
I can Feel it in My Heart
That's the only thing that's Real
This Pain
Every Day
That I Want to stop
Yet I Cherish it
Because it means My Love for each of You is Real.
There's a different Pain for each of You

Rage and Insanity and Complete Mind-Breaking Heart-Shattering Despair
Regret and Bitterness and Agonizing Unending Yearning
Sadness and Shame and Sorrow

But I don't Want any of it to End.
I can't let any of it go
Because if I did
If it goes away I'd Feel Nothing


It's about 20%
I'm in an emotional cycle
And about 20% of that circle consists of frustration pain despair and complete apathy to anything
It's that 20% I'll eat a whole jar of peanut butter
Or curl into a ball and weep for the duration.

It's that 20% that I do not care about my Vow what it means why I'm upholding it I don't care about my self or much of anything I Want to Die nothing matters Why are We like this Why Does Life have to BE this Way???

And that's all I know right now.
If I somehow find some wonderful paradise of Free Love and Lust
If somehow some Lady that I actually Connect with actually Wants me and is going to decrease that 20% by even a little bit...
(I find just about every Gal I see Beautiful, but it's really rare for me to Deeply Connect with a Gal
I'm sort of on a unique path
Damn it She was Perfect... are You)
I'm not looking for It I'm not asking for It I'm not Jumping through any Damn hoops for It I'm certainly not doing anything against Who I Am for It
And so I'm glad that It has No Power over Me
But I'm Sure as Hell not saying "No" to It
At least not if It is coming to Me in a Good Way
So I'm also Glad that, thanks to my Ideals and my Self-Discipline, It'll be on My Terms

Of course that's what got me into trouble in the first place.
I thought what We shared was Beautiful
It was as Real and True as anything I've ever known
But it was Sin
And we only know that because of our Brother's Spilled Blood

I guess this all being True kind of diminishes my Vow
Knowing that I would break it under Just the Right circumstances
I would Have to.
But my integrity is intact because I'm actively and consciously avoiding those circumstances.
It All Just Feels so unfair and fucking frustrating because I'm losing my Mind here doing my absolute Best and the only thing I have to say or show for it is,
"I know what Love is I'm in Pain and Alone all the Time so hah!"

But I guess there is Beauty in that.
It's for Love
It's for Her
After All...

Is this Redemption?

Past the low of that 20%
Beyond the Despair and Apathy of that Numb Space I don't even Want to be in
I Know what's Real
I Know what's Important
I Know who is in My Heart and who made a difference to me in my life
I'm trying to make it clear

This Celibacy isn't easy for me
Managing My Emotions in this state and the Sexual Energy and my Desires both Honest and Pure and Selfish and Darker and trying to find some Positive Balance that isn't going to Hurt anyone

And Not Kill the Me that is trying desperately to Reach You

I head back to Valhalla for the Trial class
I at last get a good workout in.
They let me hang around after class and hit the bags
I punch and kick 'til my knuckles bleed.
These days are really frustrating.
I Want to be doing so much better.
I know I can be.
I can go for hours on a punching bag
But I don't have access to one.
Instead I spend hours giving all my food away then isolating myself crying and praying.
I can make the right healthy choices when given that control
Fruits and nuts and vegetables and whole grain organic bread and no sugar added yogurt
But I often don't have control over the food in front of me
So fasting has been awesome because I can respond to unhealthy options by Just not eating and passing that food on to less healthy-minded folk in Need
So I'm Just in this Struggle to remain Balanced and Take Care of myself and Excel
But I don't have the support I Need and I'm not in the Right Environment to Push myself to my Limit

But when I Do find that Space
When I reach the Place where I am Supported and have what I Need to Excel
Then I'll finally be able to Reach My Potential
I have no intention to stop helping people
But I Need to Focus on my Self and avoid all the poisons of this World.
I don't Need Distractions I Just Need Stability
So I can Keep Growing.
I'm either going to continue to evolve towards the Luffy/Goku/Simon ideal of myself I continue to Strive for or I'm going to begin Declining and Die.
I'm either gonna make it or I'm not.
You might think having achieved my Dream I'd Feel like I've "made it" but
I already posted this accomplishment on facebook some time ago and still haven't heard from You so No.
I Still have not "made it."
I Still have so far to go.

Dragon Eyes

A Magic Power one cannot control becomes a Curse rather than a Gift
Without My Love in My Life
I'm slowly losing My Mind

Everyone wants me to be Forrest Gump
Folk often compare me to him, at least.
Everyone Loves Forrest Gump.
He represents the Best in Us.
He Cares for others.
His simple innocence is Beautiful.
He is a Majestic Peaceful Warrior.
I believe we all—in some place of us—seek that Beauty within ourselves.
But does anyone want to Be Forrest Gump?
Does anyone Want the pain and struggles he underwent for Jenny?
No—I don't think anyone Wants that.

Perhaps I've reached a sort of Forrest Gump Achievement
But I Am Not Forrest Gump.
I unfortunately do not have his simple innocence
Too much Reflecting Upon The Moon, I Suppose.
Too much Poison in me through My Youth.
I've Bled it out but I can not forget what I Know
I boiled them down to Pure Desires

Gifts for My WIFE.

The space that each Love has placed me in remains exactly where they've left it
I wish to Repair and Elevate All of these relations.
That is a part of My Virtue
Who I Wish to Be.
My Center.
My Love.
My LionHeart.
And there isn't much else I Care about more than that.
Call it Pride if You Will.

I'll Fall and Die, then.
At least I'd be Dying for something that I—My Self—Honestly and Genuinely Believe in.

So I don't know how long I will Last.
But again and again I Will Bet My Life on Her.
I don't Want to Live in a World where I can't choose Love anyways.

As I sit in a cafe writing in my Journal
A Beautiful redheaded gal with paint all over her pants walks in.
A Dream Girl.
But she's not mine or meant for me.
If I tried anything to even befriend her I'd Just embarrass myself
And EVEN IF God told me I could, I'd respond,
"Well hey! Great! Thanks! But. My Heart's not in it—so...
I really don't know how."

There aren't any more women in the World that are meant for me.
There's nothing else I can do but wait for them to change their minds about me and Give me some attention.

I can See
Opportunities now
To pursue.
Any connection I pursue now is Sin

And Sin always carries a Heavy Cost
A Cost I am absolutely unwilling to pay
Because that Cost Just might
Be You.

From The Space Where I Find My Self

I wake up on my cot in my cell.
I can't complain, that's for sure.
The large flat screen TV with surround sound is playing the Pacific Ocean and crashing wave sounds.
It's nice to wake up to.
I get on the pedal machine and open a magazine to read about the city of Santa Barbara and look at some photos of it as I get my morning exercise in. The phone in my cell rings so I hop off the work-out machine to answer it. It's a man named Jim who starts telling me about Alaska and some other miscellaneous stories of adventure. He's not letting me talk, which always irks me, and I'm irritable because I haven't eaten yet and the sun is shining onto me in my cell so I'm hot.
I don't hang up on him and instead listen to his stories for a while until at last saying, "I have to go" and get off the phone.

I put "The French Festival" on TV but it's kind of sad and I have trouble paying attention to is as I still hadn't eaten. Finally some veggies come, but it's not enough and I pass out. I wake up drooling on myself and some bread comes. I catch a Dancing scene which was pretty cool, but then go back to my Santa Barbara Book. Then some soup is given to me, along with some other food that's Just sort of thrown on the ground of my cell. I enjoy the soup and pick at bits of palatable salad and guac and half a sandwich, then throw the rest of it out the window. I try to read a chapter about Saint Barbara and Her Mission but end up passing out again and drooling on myself some more.
There's a number in the book that suggests I call for comradery and additional information, so I give it a go, but the information isn't too useful and I'm Sad and Depressed* which subtly changes my energy/expression so the guys on the line don't want to share comradery with me and hang up on me.
So I Give Brother Andrew a call and while we're on the phone I get a salad and coconut coffee. Andrew is busy though and has to go and passes the phone to his brother Manny. Manny and I have a pretty good convo until he also has to go. I then get a menu which is pretty exciting and take my time ordering. I order the Best Bread, with hummus, fresh tomato, fresh corn, fresh carrots, healthy yogurt, lots of bananas, two orders of PB, and an apple.

While I'm waiting for my food I get an upper body workout in and the phone rings a couple times—Just some folk asking some questions.
I try to give Sister a call but no answer so I Just give up on that entirely. My food comes at last and I Thank Jesus, then promptly throw it all out the window. Except for half the PB, one carrot, and the Apple. Then I curl up into a ball on the floor and cry. And scream a little*
When I've had all the fun I can have doing that I get up and I'm freezing so I put my wool coat on and get the cocoa powder I've been hiding under my bed out and mix it into the PB I didn't throw away then eat half the Jar with the Apple and the carrot. There's a "Childhood Dream Achieved Pt. II" special on the TV tomorrow I'm excited for, which comes on right after some Methodist program that I'd also like to wake up early enough for to see, so I head to bed. Before falling asleep, I compulsively eat some more PB and do Just a little writing—a funny short story idea I had to retell my day as if I was locked in a prison cell, which is a metaphor to the space My Heart feels like it is in due to Love Life woes and Position—and is also analogous to the very real Depression that I'm dealing with as I Do My Do—Surviving—and trying to make the most out of My Day and My Time
From The Space Where I Find My Self

*because I'm locked in a fucking cell

I exaggerate
Things aren't so bad
There are people that are actually locked in a cell
They don't get Love or the Freedom that I have
There are people that are Dead.
They're Buried under the Ground
They don't get to Feel.

I'm Still Alive.

Returned to the Funk Factory to make art pieces and hang out
Met Brother Alucard
Dude's a total BA
Slayed Dracula
Fuck Yeah.
Fantastic night of Sharing Art and Ideas and Sonic the Hedgehog 3

Another Night on the Beach
This time sleeping underneath this dinghy boat for cover
 The sound of The Waves make it hard to Arise
But once one does get up
Groggily walking barefoot in The Sand makes the whole morning routine Feel much Softer

Wouldn't it be Just Great Living on the beach out of a Dope af Van?
Except instead of Just bumming doing nothing searching for the next High like a lot of these Street urchins are Want to do
Using that Freedom to instead invest in ourselves our wealth of knowledge our skills and techniques and Work towards Our Dreams and Just Better Our Selves!
Wouldn't that Be

When I see a young couple—I stare at My Brother.
I focus on Feeling Happy for him.
I Iron away Envy/Jealousy and wish the Best for him.
I don't want to Lust after his Lady.
I Do Not Want to Covet My Neighbor's Wife.
I Just Want Mine Own.
I Need Someone.
I Need Something Real.
I Need LOVE.

I'm so thankful for all this Love that I Do Have.
For the Love I carry for these Ladies that I've Loved in My Life.
I Don't Need More

Oh, I Want.

But I know that whoever Heals Me will Earn My Love
Just like You did
And I chose You
I already wrote about it back in the Mountains of Colorado
In New Orleans
My Heart clicked
Another Cold Night—Abandoned by Her—Yet again
I had come to the point where I realized the only thing keeping me going was You
In that moment I chose You
My Heart sung Your Name
No not even
Not a Word
Just Your Light
Like the Sun Rising
My Love for You lifted Me
And I knew I'd done enough there and it was Time to Go to You
In a Moment My Despair Turned to Glorious Hope
Everything about what had happened and was happening with Her still Hurt and probably always will to some degree
But if I could be with You
If We came Together and Traveled Together and Lived Together and Created Together
Then Everything would make sense

Everything would make sense
and I could Heal

The Beach isn't a good place for me Right now.
All the bodies trigger sexuality and painful longing.
I Have to Go.
She can Give Me what I Need
Truth is, She could have too...
Maybe The Truth is that it's Never Enough
But I know I Need More
And every day that passes is another day older decreasing my chances of experiencing the Love that I Need—If I still feel and think this way as someone ten years older I'm going to be Suicidal.

I can not express enough the importance to Me of experiencing the Dreams of Love I carry.

It is the difference between Everything making Sense.
Beauty in My Life.

And None of that.
Just Hate.
And Pain.
And I can NOT
Will NOT Allow that Hate and Pain to be Cast on anyone else
Especially not a Sister or a Daughter
 If ever I believed I was at risk for this
I would Have to End my Self.

I would Have to.

I think She can Save Me if She doesn't but...
This will all still be in My Heart
And there's a few things that She can't Give me...
There are Holes that I Know She can't Heal...
And I'm sorry if any of all this Hurts You or makes You Sad
But it is All My Truth
I'll Be There when You Need Me, too.
I Love You, too.
I Want You in My Life
And we can talk more about it all in Makanda.

On my way out of town
I returned to Arroyo Burro
For one more Day at this special Beach
One more Night atop this special Cliff

In My Mind
In My Heart
You Are Each


"Dance with me And I'll Sing to you A Symphony Won't you Kiss me Shut me up, please She's a Goddess
A Wish from a Star In my Heart Ohh yeah..."

I knew from the beginning
We were meant to Be in each other's lives
But not in what capacity
So I respected and accepted Your "Just Friends" and put You in the same category in turn
Which opened my Path to Her
So it's not like this all came about out of nowhere.
After She abandoned Me
After Her and I went our separate ways
I chose You Then
I came up with the Motorcycle idea in Mississippi
Of course I Wanted as I Still Want
Goodness in my Relations with Her and Her
I'll always be at Your Service, Sister.
You were the One I was working for
You were the one I really Wanted to See
You were Who I went to for Christmas...
So if Free Will Exists
If We can Choose who we Love at all
You are Who I Need and Want to Be With
At least Live that Dream Together
As I know We are Meant to
As We Never got the chance to.
More than anything else, that Desire is keeping Me Fighting
I Never got the Chance to Love You how I Wanted
We were Never a Couple.
We reached Best Friends
Our Relationship was and Still Is Beautiful
But Never an actual Couple
I proposed to You and I meant it
Though I knew You'd  say No and I knew I wasn't ready
 And that's been the way it's been since We met
Neither of Us were Ready for the other

But after All this
I Know I'm Ready Now
So imagine my surprise and Pain
When I struggled my way back to You 
And You shut me out
Without even Giving Me the One Chance I was asking for
Even after I kept My Word and retrieved Joe's bicycle for You
 The forty-six page Epic Love Poem I wrote for You to remind You of what we've Experienced and what We Have
I don't even know if You received it.
I Still Wait to this very Moment
To Learn how that Expression of My Love for You made You Feel
And to Learn What it is I have Done Wrong to Be Cast Out...
My only failing I could figure was not having the grip strength to climb Your pole
Which made me look Weak and unattractive to You.
But My Strength which You don't See
My Patience My Virtue My Heart and Soul

My Cardiovascular Endurance
Why couldn't You have tested me with a leg press or a Triathlon...

Well all that is why I Am worthy of You!
When we first met, I wasn't
I had so much to learn so much to Grow
I wasn't Strong enough then to Wait for You
But Now I Am.
Strong Enough to make Vows of Celibacy
To Proclaim this Love across the Country
To Howl it from the Peaks of Mountains
To Celebrate it with Egg on my face and Your Sharp Blade through My Chest


And I Want My Words to mean something
Not Just be Wind that I vibrate and push around
So watch me struggle watch Me flail and fail without You
And Get Back Up With You
The Power of The Phoenix
You're in My Heart
You're Always in My Heart
You've Always Been in My Heart
And Every Time I Rise
It's My Dreams of Our Future Together that Invigorate and Rejuvenate Me
God and Jesus cheerin' Me on from on High

How far can I Go?
How long can I abstain from seeking the experiences My Soul Needs?
My Youth coming to its End

I'll lose my opportunity and Never have it
Turn Bitter and Twisted
While You have Your fun
Share Your Sacred Gifts
With someone else

Ideas against You are Attacks on My Soul
When one sinks in and Dashes Hope
I Fall to Despair

And there I find My Space of Hollowness
Not Me.
My True Self Lost in Darkness.
It's in that space of Hollowness that one is capable of anything
That's how people commit terrible acts
They Need to Feel so they Hurt
In their Hollowness they are detached from God
Perhaps it's their own fault perhaps not
But They Needed Love and No One Gave them any
They didn't Pray they didn't turn to God
So their Heart Died
And the Demons took over

But with the correct persuasion
That Hollowness is a Gift.
A Blade.
Use that Pain to Give rather than to Take
Create rather than Destroy
Love rather than Hate
Regardless of one's Perspective
Our Life is determined by Our Choices
So set Your sights on Your Goals
(Remember Jesus!)
And Build Your Life around that

And Use Every bit of Strength that You Have to Get Up that Mountain

Don't You Remember?
That Night in Your Room

Over Rudy

We Were Shown God

This is all for You, too.
I don't know
What it is You're chasing Now
But that Moment
Can Not Possibly Lose its Meaning
Not to Me.

Not to ME.
Rudy is Our Daughter.
I Will Always be On Your Side.
I Love You Unconditionally.

I had some Bread and seeing the families all along the beach imagined being here with Her and then with Her and Our Child if We choose to bring Rudy back into this World and how Happy and Content and Thankful I would be and I tried to be that there
in that Moment.

It sinks in how Perfect She is and Was and Just Everything I've always wanted in a Pure Way
And then it hurts
In a Deep Way
Profoundly Painful
Screaming and Hollering
How can I put into Words
This Pain?
How can I put into Words
Everything and All She meant to Me
When Just Her Talking to Me was enough for Me to Feel indescribable Feelings

Every Man Longs for Something
A Longing from our Core
The Reason I was Born
To Receive—To Find and Experience and Create.
That Gift
She Has it.
And it's such a Real and True and Pure thing.
It has nothing to Do with Pleasures of the Flesh.
Our Soul's Desire for Love and Peace and Truth and Freedom and Joy and Beauty and Life.
She carries All those things for Me.

So I Have to Keep Going
I Need to maintain My Health and Balance
I Need to keep Building my Self
Stronger Wiser Better
More Knowledge More Skill More Technique
More Experience More Stories More Self
More Strength More Faith More LOVE

Asking for More at this point seems like Madness.
I'm Just trying to Ask for what I Need
For continued Life and Be Grateful for Just that as I Work for a Beautiful Future.

Maybe The Navy is The Right Next Step
It'll be Tough but it'll keep me Disciplined and Humble and when it's over I'll be more of All the Ways I Want to be More of and set up to Live.

Maybe I should Just keep Riding.
Keep wwoofing keep looking for building opportunities
That's all been going pretty well so far I'd say.
I could continue North into Oregon and Washington
Then The Challenge of Alaska awaits!
I Want to See the Aurora Borealis.
That'd be the Natural Evolution of My Bicycle Journey.
I could then get a flight to Russia
(There are several options)
And continue Riding through the North East of that Country into and through China, then through Vietnam/Laos to

I could also Just take a Flight and a Backpack straight there.
(Cycle around The Pacific obviously much more BA)
Regardless of how I get there
I Want to Teach English and continue studying Muay Thai
And Travel around South East Asia
Before and/or after finding and committing to those opportunities.
I Am an Elementary Educator, after all
And I really Love Martial Arts.
After this experience, I should be able to get a position teaching Martial Arts classes in Just about any DoJo I'm accepted at.
I've had this Idea/Plan since even before leaving on This Journey.
Then I'll settle somewhere that I Want to experience for a while, keep training, keep studying and learning and start saving up for Bastion, and Just Live!

At some point I'd also like to Live at Home again
Enjoy more Time with My Family
Work at the local Orchard
for a season at least.
That's not an option for now though.
My folks Want the House to themselves
And I should enjoy Traveling while I can!

I could also return to some of my favorite places and Live/Work there
Find the opportunities that'll promote Growth in my Desired Directions
Crestone, Snowflake, Sedona, Yellow Springs, Durango...
Asheville and Austin were Awesome too
I'd Love to return to any of these places
There's plenty more of Colorado to Explore too!

Or I could come up with a totally New Idea!
I Want to go to Australia, Ireland, Scotland, France, Japan!
So Many Paths...
It Feels like The Whole World
In The Palm of My Hand.

My Grandfather got this Tiki here on the Pacific Coast at a Surf Shack
He used to be a big Surfer
He Gave me this years ago when I was in Middle School
"To Protect Me."
Well back then I was too worried about what my Peers would think so I never wore it
But when I left for this Journey
I Believed then that I would Now Need the Protection

So I've worn it the entire time
Seldom do I ever remove it from my neck.
The Wooden Cross I was Given along My Journey and now wear
A Greater Protection
But I Still Feel My Ancestors in this Precious Accessory.
I knew I had to Wash it in the Waters of The Pacific at this Sacred Beach before I continued on.

I Want to Travel The World
And Keeping Learning and Growing
Keep Going
And Help People along the way.
But it's Pointless to Me if My World is Suffering
Or if I've Lost My Place in My Loved ones' Hearts.
I always intended to be there for whoever Needed Me
But I didn't understand
In Life
No matter how much You Miss someone Pray for Them Want to Be with Them
Love them
If You're not there
You're Not There.
I Just Need You to Know
That when Life Happens
And I don't know that You Know that
So I Worry, endlessly.
I Want and Need You to Be Safe more than anything.

The Journey has always been about seeking to understand the Negativity in The World and The Darkness in Our Souls.
That's The Moon.
Still Us
Still Our Selves
Even when we're hungry or let go of our control over our selves to our base Desires and Instincts

After enjoying the Sand on my feet and the sound of every crashing wave
I rode up and around to the top of the cliff again

The Fog off the cliff was so thick one couldn't See anything below.
It made it seem like it was The End of The World.
And it felt that way too, to Me
in Many Ways...

I slept very comfortably thanks to the gifts from the church
A nice soft blanket and a thermal sleeping bag!
I had a Dream with My Brother Noah
We were exploring around, following clues to figure out puzzles together
Locking horns quite a bit
but we only advanced when we worked together.

I Do Not, in fact, know what is going on
Nor Do I Know what to Do.
If I knew what to Do I'd Do it.
If I knew what was going on I might be able to figure out what to Do
But I don't know anything
Because I'm in the Dark

It's not so bad here
Besides the constant Worry and Loneliness and Imbalance and Pain of Loss
Confusion—Madness—Bitterness—Despair sometimes, too
But God is here with Me
Jesus is My Coach
If I could Just Listen

This Level of Dedication
Shouldn't—Can't—Be reduced to a text message
An inadequate form of communication by Nature
Where is Your Face? Your Expressions? Your Energy?
How am I to know how I've made You Feel?
That is all that matters, after all

But 𝖔𝖍 𝕳𝖔𝖜 𝕴 𝖂𝖎𝖘𝖍 to Break this Stifling Silence
𝖔𝖍 𝕳𝖔𝖜 𝕴 𝖂𝖎𝖘𝖍 to Bring to Your Face Divine—a Smile
𝖔𝖍 𝕳𝖔𝖜 𝕴 𝖂𝖎𝖘𝖍 for You to Receive My Love
But How? How Do I Send it?
How Do I Water the Flowers of Your Love for Me?
How Do I Show You who I Am and All that You Mean
All that You've always meant to Me?

And How Do I Figure Out What I Need to Do?

I went back to the Beach in the morning for one final Reflection.
I cleansed The Journey Mix in the Waters of The Pacific
Then filled it with Ocean
Tearing up again as I shook the Jar in my ritual motion.
I Plan on carrying that Home for Christmas.
I Plan on Seeing You then, too
I'll be Waiting on East Rock, again.
And if You don't come
Then I'll head to Boston
And Search for You until You See Me and Talk to Me

This ME that Loves YOU

I made My Vow for a Reason.
See Me and Talk to Me So You Know Who I AM
Read All This and Hear What I Have to Say to You
Look Me in The Eyes and Tell Me You Denounce it ALL
Whether that'll Set Me Free

Or Kill Me...

Well I Hope We don't find out
'cause I Hope instead We go to Hawaii together
And Peru
And totally deck out a van to Travel around and Live in and drive down the Blue Ridge Parkway, visit my Brother Jason in Georgia, cut West to Austin, Northwest to Colorado, through the Rockies and all the awesome places there I found, then through Four Corners into Arizona, through the Navajo Nation to SnowFlake, West to Sedona, through the desert Northwest around L.A. to Arroyo Burro, and at last up the Coast.
It's a Fantastic Ride.
And We can visit all the Great People that I met along my way and there's so many people that would Love to See and Meet You and they helped me so much and it'd Just be so great for us to visit them and share Stories and Gifts with them.
We'll Help People and We'll Guide People and
We Could Be a Light in The World, Together.

At Least

My Brother Noah is getting married at the End of September up in San Francisco
So I'll be Taking My Time riding up The Coast
Write All this.
Keep working on Just being Emotionally Stable
Get back into my morning workout routine
(300 push-ups and Technique Training!)
And think about what I'll be doing Next with My Life
I have a few ideas but nothing is written in Stone
So unless The Lord directs Me
I've got some Reflecting to do
And lots and lots of Riding.
Still, lots of Riding to Go.