Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Level Four—Awareness of Love: Everything You Can't Let Go of Holds You Back—But it's Nice to be Held Now and Then


This blog post is a Kamehameha.

     For the record, I don't want anyone to read this. Well, I want Her to read it—after all I'm really only writing all this here because I'm fucking alone and I can't reach Her or tell Her—so instead of depending on a woman to take on my darkness and forgive me and raise me up, I'm going to Let Go of my need for that, put all this here, and rise to a higher level of being, by my own power.
Kaaaaa Meeeeee
Haaaaa Meeeeee
HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!


     Okay, I typed a bit about turning my blog into a photo thing a while ago. I’ll definitely have photos when I travel again and are actually taking photos, but I’ve decided to stop fighting it. What this blog is. Actually, it’s what the blog has always been. My blog is my Mind. This is where I put it all. As much of it as I can. I don’t even want people to read it. I especially don’t want kids to read it. But I’m writing all this here because if someone Loves me enough to read all this and try to understand me I want them to be able to. Like, why the fuck else would I be writing all this shit? It’s not doing anything for anyone. I got Bernice like $60, big deal. I gave her $700 of my own dollars because I thought some of the traffic that came through the site would give just $1, but I only got like six people. So what the fuck obviously no one reads this. Because if people did they would have given Bernice a fucking dollar. The woman is dying on the street did you fucking read what I wrote? Whatever, I’m over it. It’s better this way. I started worrying about people judging me or worse, someone who looked up to me learning I’m just as human and failed as they are and being brought down by that or something. But if no one is reading this, and no one is, then I can write fucking everything.
 — I’m 29 and I have the maturity of a 21 year old. I don’t want to grow up and I’m selfish as fuck about it. I don't feel 29 at all but I have to admit I am, especially after everything I learned and experienced traveling on my bicycle. And despite seeing people suffering and The World burning, I still just want to hang around college aged kids and their parties and that scene because I haven't experienced everything I want from the lights and glamor yet.
 — Despite whatever I may or may not have done on or off a bicycle, I'm actually totally insecure and had a total melt down because the beautiful girl nine years younger than me that I fell totally and completely head over heels in Love with didn't call me back so I began to doubt all my other abilities and question the validity of my existence. Things got really crazy when I started questioning my actions and putting myself on trial for things I didn't even do and I lost touch with reality and turned around to come home, leaving my LionHeart behind. This culminated when I was paged at the Pittsburgh bus stop on the way back and I freaked out, ran off with my bags, and lost my Mind even further as I wandered around the streets of Pittsburgh, paranoid that cameras were watching me and "they" were coming after me.
     Also, Just In Case You're reading this and you stop here, it's not your fault. I Love You and I always have and I always will and I'm sorry I'm not the superhero you might have thought I was but I'd do anything to see you again but I can't reach out to you again except right here because my ego can't take you not responding to me anymore—I'm too scarred to even send a letter—and even though it doesn't make sense I'm still afraid you hate me and if you did that'd kill me so I'm afraid of that too. Also you're twenty and you should be living it up not dealing with my madness that I caused myself by obsessing over you, so it's probably better you do your own thing and forget about me, not that I want that as My Heart doesn't stop Loving and I've never wanted anyone more than I want you and I don't care what anyone says or thinks so I'll just be carrying you in that little smiling Sun you gave me around my neck until The Universe and God bring us together, which I believe will happen, if you do too. That's why I wear it. It's also why I go to every Shakedown show I can catch and wear your sweater there.
 — I was involved and am in Love with several other women too and my Heart is a complete mess. When I'm not alone and regretting the pain I've caused myself and others, it's actually really great. I want to act more responsibly in the future but only understand my Heart through observation and currently believe this is just how I was made. I won't apologize either. I Love several women, each passionately and uniquely, and I know in My Heart, and thus can say with 100% certainty and sincerity, that I will always Love each of them, even if they hate me or don't want me in their life or hurt me, over and over again. This is who I am and who I want to be and I don't care if you think monogamy is the right path—This is my path.
 — I feel really bad for my African-American brothers and sisters struggling with the country becoming a police state and painting them as the enemy through the media, resolidifying racism in the mainstream psyche, but I can’t do shit about that and it doesn’t affect me directly (yet) so I’m going to live my life pursuing my own agenda rather than help the ship not sink and I do not even judge myself for doing so (So whatever force wanted to pick me up in Pittsburgh can stop reading my blog now. I just want to get high and dance and sleep with women, like every 21 year old. No one reads this crap anyways. And you can't get me either, noobs. I don't even know who you are. Fucking cowards).
 — My nails are pretty raw ‘cause I bite ‘em all the time. Helps me think, and helps me channel away anxiety (from thinking too much).
 — I was only born with one testicle and had surgery when I was four to have an artificial one put in there.

 — My rock bottom: I used backpage to find escorts to pay for sex, thrice. I thought it was what I needed because I thought sex was intimacy. I was wrong. After returning home the third time and bawling in my ex's arms I understood what I had done. I'll tell the rest of this story another time.
 — I started viewing pornography online when I was eleven years old and the internet was brought into my house and no one understood it but me. I found my way to the wrong sites and started seeing the most disturbing images you can think of and probably many you can’t. At least I hope you can’t (Art can be used to spread evil ideas too. People tend to forget that). This put a lot of messed up ideas and images into my head as a youth. Here's a clip from my favorite show as a kid, Dragon Ball Z. Be warned, even though this is an animated show for 12 year old boys, this scene is disturbing:
     How does that scene make you feel? Scared the shit out of me. It's horrifying. I had seen much worse shit by the time I saw that when I was like 14 or so, but that was different because when you watch a television show you build emotional bonds to characters and Android #18 was like my favorite character, after Gohan. 
     So all the violent and/or sexualized imagery sub-consciously effected my daily thoughts and that effected my perception of males and thus of the World. This led me to being a real stay-at-home alone-in-room kind of kid and just spending my time escaping reality into video games. And viewing pornography as often as possible. I was afraid of The World. As a male, I was especially afraid of myself. I was a monster. Men are monsters. The reality in the news only confirmed it, as do the statistics of sexual violence and “rape culture” we live in. By the time I was in 7th grade I had a firm hatred and distrust of the male gender and my self-image was, well, readers (there are none) might remember this guy:
From my Be Driven post

     I recall trying to not look at porn anymore some time in 8th grade, but with the computer sitting right downstairs, and me on it anyways playing games, the temptation was too great. I couldn't stop. By 13 I was already addicted and the misogyny and hatred against women in the videos was normalized through that. Despite how much of this I consumed, or perhaps to counter-act it, I held my ideals above it. I deify women. I literally worship them. I put them on a pedestal and want nothing more than to serve and please and be of use. This path has led me to be very, "in touch with my feminine side" which I would actually describe as simply seeing the woman in myself and embracing her, rather than rejecting her to conform to what society tells me a man should be. This female self of mine was completely repressed for years though.
     Around age 25 I began my journey to defeat my demons, which continues to this day as I spend many of my waking hours trying to navigate life to attain the female energy and attention I need and sex I want without breaking my ideals or hurting or deceiving anyone. This is why I say I'm selfish. I'm aware of the human suffering around our country and The World. I'm aware of The World's suffering as well. I plan on voting for Bernie Sanders and that's about it for now. Rather than rally to some Just Cause I'll leave that to the 9-5ers and work on my defense/escape plan as I look for girls that want to dance with me. At worst, I'm a womanizing pervert with questionable motives constantly punishing myself for my maleness and endless lust. At best, I'm a hopeless romantic hippie-wannabe in a constant state of longing for my ideal Love
     It was a long journey for me but I beat all that. I realized what pornography does to people and what it was doing to me. I rejected it and got away from it. I no longer masturbate, just to prove to myself that I am always in control. I believe in My Heart that it is precisely because of this that I may live my dreams the way I do. I beat my demons and now I’m free. I do not need. I am a gentleman with infinite self-control. I am living my ideal self, to the best of my abilities.
     When I left home again in October, I wanted to fly even higher. My feelings for Her were so intense I felt I could use those feelings to abstain from sex completely. Now why aught I do that? Because the desire for sex often gets in the way of genuinely connecting with a female. It's hard for many guys to talk to beautiful women because the voice in our Head is trying to figure out how to navigate ourselves closer to the lady and the voice in our Heart is on its knees hoping and wishing and longing to be chosen.
     I wanted to be able to not think about sex all the time and not try to get it all the time but traveling was exceedingly difficult because I’m exceedingly needy and being alone in the woods/cornfields/side of road wasn't fucking fun. It was not fun. It was fucking lonely and I cried all the time. I cried every day about Her or Her or Her or Her and Her. It was also all completely worth it because I had so many amazing adventures and met so many amazing people and I learned and grew so fucking much I don't even recognize myself anymore and I’m pretty sure I was helping the World in some odd bicycle riding way. People saw me riding around and thought I was a super hero or something and that felt great (as I've explained in detail in a past post) but it also made me feel like I had to hide all of this. I had to push through being alone all the time and never having intimacy.
     The journey was not totally devoid of connection though. I slept with Her in Baltimore so that was a good night, though it left me questioning where My Heart was going. When I broke my arm in Tennessee a Great Love of mine came to me and saved my life and I experienced a Love that burned like no other I've ever felt. After that, I decided I never wanted to "fuck" again. I would only make Love. In South Bend a lady let me stay at her place and fed me and it seemed like she wanted me and I didn't want her but I felt indebted to her and it was easier to just do it than to reject her. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth, and I definitely never wanted my want for a lady to put them into that position.
     In Chicago I realized I didn't know what I was doing and my ego broke down yet again. Unable to lift myself back up, or even be lifted up by the amazing friends I was blessed to have met there, I went to Boston/Salem to be lifted up by my sister. She was too busy or something so I fell even lower, then crawled over to Her, crying on my bicycle the whole way. She showed me the coolest fucking stuff I'd seen since I left and I realized I had taken Her and Her Love for granted because I had become a complete egotistical jerk. I soon realized I took all Love for granted. I saw Her once more and that was The End. My Heart is a Flame and she was a Gust of pure Oxygen. I had so many emotions and thoughts then this writing here doesn't even compare. I started pumping out poetry but my Mind and Heart were working so fast the poem would be outdated by the next day. I began meditating, which has become an invaluable ability. Unable to see Her again I left back for Illinois. From the intensity of my emotions, and my uncertainty of Her expectations of me, I decided I would abstain from sex until I saw her again. After all, if I could have Her I didn't need anyone else.
     I saw Her and Her as I left. She gave me my ticket out but I felt taking that from her would have been symbolically negative so I rode through The Bronx instead of taking the train and mailed her back the ticket. That made me late for Her though and we missed what we were going to do together. She and I spent a few days together, which were blissful as usual but also painful. I think we both understood we had to move on from each other but didn't feel this way. I left Her again. It took me another couple days and lots pedaling and crying to Let Go of Her.
     The abstinence mentality totally worked for a bit, but I made the decision believing She would stay in relative touch and when that didn't happen I not only did not believe I could do it anymore, I did not want to do it anymore. So all the mental, physical, and emotional stress accumulated as I had my existential and egotistical crisis alone in the corn fields. Thank you Tom and Tina for taking me in. I couldn’t think of anything (anyone) else because of all the intense feelings I had but I couldn’t express any to her because I couldn’t contact her.
1. My gentlemanly code does not allow me to "blow up" a ladies phone, and
2. I was trying to play it cool, even though the reality was the complete exact opposite.
     My many many many insecurities triggered and I spiraled downward questioning my worth in every way I relevantly could. I believe this manifested in my knee, which gave out on me and got worse fast to the point I could only ride about eleven miles a day before it was just too painful. Traveling turned from freedom to torture. The mere fact of this made me further question what I did to deserve such a change in fate. Did I hurt her? Did I do something wrong? I Love her so much, but why isn't she responding and why why why why... this idea train just goes in circles all the way down. I found myself in Carbondale IL trying to figure it all out. I needed to stop there because of my knee. Thank you Mason for saving my fucking life and letting me crash at your place for a week.
     For weeks there I was trying to figure what I wanted to do, which I blogged about already, though there was plenty of emotional instability I didn't talk about going on as I realized continuing my Journey meant doing so broken, crazy, and alone. With that negativity and loneliness, a deep Fear entered my Heart as I started to believe I'd be forgotten by all my Loved ones and if I didn't die in the desert I'd be destined to be old and alone on the street, typically labeled a "homeless person," as I squandered all the real connections in my life to ride my bicycle around. Fear and Negativity turned My Dream into a Fool's Errand. I couldn't even tell anymore if I was fighting Dragons or Windmills. I continued to make friends and try to help others in that city, but despite all the Love I found there no one could help me from my own Mind.
     So where did it end? With me curled up in the fetal position in the back of a parking lot in Pittsburgh crying hysterically unable to enter the bus station pleading with God to help me or kill me. Spiritual signs led my awareness to walk into the station and buy a ticket to NYC with money I made busking at a Steeler's game. In order to blend in, I left many valuable meaningful things behind in that parking lot, such as the bicycle helmet I've had since I was 14, and the hat I wanted to give to Her. I wonder if anything is still there...
     When my bus arrived in NYC I zig-zagged through the Port Authority afraid that if I wasn't careful I could be apprehended by "them." I didn't trust the trains or subways because "they" might be watching so I opted to walk to Her house in Connecticut. It took me 27 hours of straight walking carrying three tote bags. I walked through the night through Harlem and The Bronx without really knowing where I was going without worrying at all because I knew God was with me. At that point I was actually in relatively high spirits, albeit fragile. I was basically home free, and when I wasn't freaking out wandering through The Bronx at night was pretty fun. No plans on doing it again though. By the time I got to Her house I was delirious and staggering and falling asleep as I walked, but I knew that everything was okay, because I was with Her and looking at her face. That is my sure-fire way to know if everything is okay or not. Is She with me? If She is, that means I'm not the caged evil animal that I believe people would judge me as if they knew all this shit you're reading right now. It means I'm not the monster inside me. It means I've been allowed to be in Her presence. It means God, at least, trusts me, and so does she. I was out of my mind but She opened Her door for me and held my hand. My emotions for Her are just as intense as for Her but we processed them all already without going crazy from Connecticut to Chicago. I will Love Her forever. I was already at that point before all this. That's why I walked to Her. She was the last girl in the World that I felt would have helped me without me imposing.
     After recuperating from my walk with Her, She brought me back home on the 24th of December. I thanked the Power above for guiding me home and never felt more grateful for my family and for being home for Christmas. On the 26th though, I got right to work trying to figure out how I could get back out there. How could I regain my sanity? How could I mend my Heart? How could I find the closure to do so? What would be an acceptable course of action considering I have no idea how She feels? How could I get back to where I'd been when I was all geared up to conquer The World? And I still don't know why they paged me in Pittsburgh... What the Fuck do I do about that? The answer was easy. I needed a girlfriend! Yes, of course. All I needed was a quality lady to spend quality time with me and everything would be okay. We could talk and I could tell her everything and then I could move on and continue my adventure!
     Little did I know then that my next battle had already begun. I defeated my demons. I defeated my dragons. Yet I still felt unworthy of the gifts I have in my life. I still doubt myself, doubly upon failing my mission. In order to move forward I did not need to absorb the energy of any other life form, no matter how beautifully executed I intended for it to be. What I needed to do was face myself and take off the mask I hid behind. I needed to be unapologetically myself and not lean on anyone to stand. Once again, my opponent was my old self, and like Perfect Cell, no matter how many times he is defeated, he'll just regenerate unless each of his cells are completely destroyed. Every single parasitic idea and emotion.


- Intermission -
I Love this guy:
This oddly yet aptly named comic saved my Life. It began my Path to Love.
I'd recommend it to anyone, but you might have to be a sexually repressed Otaku to really get it.
And here's the Goldenboy manga. The story that inspired me to ride.
Read these two comics and you'll understand me much more completely.
Or just read them because they're masterful!


     So I was thinking about what She said to me the other day about getting to the other mountain and seeing down it. It's like seeing from a higher place and understanding there are greater things you can accomplish with your life and believing and working towards that. So it takes a greater level of faith because it's asking for more for others and less for oneself. A greater level of faith in ourselves too. Believing that we can do something with our lives instead of what our world is molding us into. Distractions, rules, limits, including our own. Especially our own. Expectations, fear of judgment, and many other hidden factors. These things shape us into who we are. Over time we become someone we didn’t want to be. Society, culture, our “inner-circle,” and the people we interact with every day have a profound effect on us. It’s hard to let the walls down and let people in, because of Fear. Will they judge us? (And why are we so afraid of that anyways?) Will they betray us? (It’s easier to hurt/take from someone you judge as beneath or less than you. There’s one reason to be afraid of judgment). Maybe they’re craaaazy and/or evil and they’re hiding their true motives to get close to us and do who knows what. All this is Fear. Or maybe they’re just needy and they’ll just lean on us too heavily and ask for too much and become a drain on our time/energy/resources and we don't have any of that to spare 'cause our way of life, habits, and addictions depletes it all, or maybe we're greedy or lazy or we just don't like people.


     In order to rise up we must better ourselves. We can all do better. Be more generous. Be more kind. Be more accepting and inclusive and caring. In order to beat the Fears and not let this crazy World hold us back, we need Faith. Faith in God? The Universe? Allah Buddha Jesus? Who? It doesn’t actually matter what “religion” you ascribe to. You have to have Faith in people. We have to believe in the goodness of people, otherwise we shut them out of our lives and give them no Love. The less Love we give the less we get. The less Love everyone gets the more f’d up the World gets, ‘cause people do some really crazy things for Love. That makes sense too. You can go a while without shelter, depending on the environment. You can go a month without food. You can go a few days without water. You can even hold your breath. But the second you have no Love if your Heart, You Are Dead.


     I get it too, I think. People lie or make promises they don't keep or aren't who they appear to be. We have to test people before we let them into our lives or our Hearts. That's why I've been hiding in my room and a huge reason why I came back in the first place. I needed someone so badly when I came back. I was incredibly vulnerable and any girl that batted her eyelashes at me could have me, but that's a little scary because as I wrote above, the people we let into our lives have huge profound effects on us that we can't see or predict beforehand. So, I opted to once a week force myself outta my house, which was hard in and of itself 'cause of how distraught I was, and just get out there and let something come to me. Nothing is incredibly hard to do though when there's all these amazingly beautiful women around and any one of them truly makes all my sadness go away with a smile. Despite how pretty fucking awesome I (believe I) am, I failed to get any sort of meaningful relationship started or even have a nice time with a girl (with the one exception of Valentine's Day—and thank God and Her for that. Read last week for details). So anyways I was repeatedly laid out from the successive failures/defeats at that endeavor. By "Laid Out" I mean my emotions are so powerful I am literally slowed or paralyzed. I can't think straight, I can't move as well, and My Heart just has this heavy weight in it that I drag around.

     So as all (zero of) my readers know I have an abnormal amount of energy and I need an outlet. This energy often accumulates sexually because I'm a healthy active male that isn't sexually active at all and I have years of sexual image brainwashing in me. I think the best way to put it is that I’m hypersexual. Maybe every guy is like this to some degree, I don’t know, but I have been programmed to think about sex an inappropriately too frequent amount of the time. So when this sexual energy accumulates and has no outlet I experience intense longing, complete and utter lack of motivation, emotional vulnerability, and depression. All that gets worse when I haven’t had sex in months, am completely Heartbroken, and just failed at my one true life goal and my ego is fractured and I think I’m a failure. Then it gets worse when She doesn't want me in her life anymore because it hurts her too much to hear from me. Then it gets even worse when my efforts to connect with someone don’t work out and I circle the answer to the question of “Why?” around to myself, obviously, concluding I’m not good enough, so ego is broken down again.
Then I see my valentine who is the one girl that gave me a chance (romantically) these last couple months. I had been waiting for her to return from her adventure to Costa Rica. When we hang out I learn she doesn’t want to make out, which tells me pretty much everything. Not wanting to blow marijuana smoke into each others' mouths tells me everything else. Anyways, it’s pretty hard holding a conversation with all those heavy emotions swirling in my Heart and all the thoughts swirling in my Head, so it's fortunate that I learned how to meditate. This is cool ‘cause when done successfully it really empties my Mind and I can just sort of sponge in the information around me. While starring at Her beautiful face, on the top of West Rock, I was able to visualize all the things about Costa Rica She was saying. That’s something I would call a beautiful moment, but unrequited Lovestruck meditation doesn’t do much for conversation. A drowsy sort of “Coooool” was all I could muster. 

     So I knew I blew it, or maybe I was up against Costa Rica and never had a chance in the first place. I mean I’m more awesome than Costa Rica on a good day but in my current state of function I’d probably lose to a dumb House Party and I needed someone to sort of take a leap of faith on me. Maybe that was Her test for me, or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I believed it was though. I wished for Her after all. That’s why it was so easy for My Heart to take that leap on Her on Valentine’s Day. I don't know what else I did or may have done to mess things up with Her but as usual, my finger points inward and I begin the process of self-reflection, self-deprecation, self-destruction, and rebuilding this self, all over again.



     I have been told I’m "perfect just the way I am," which is a nice thing to hear, but I have a hard time believing that when I'm struggling and failing and I'm trying to beat it and figure out why. We’re all learning and growing. That’s the point. And more importantly, I am not living the way I want to be living and what I want to be happening just isn’t, so clearly I’m not good enough because otherwise I’d be making it happen. And the only simple thing I want to happen is to have a bunch of female friends in my life. I sorta do, but they’re on facebook, and while I appreciate talking with them very much there is no emotional exchange and that’s what I need. I need that. I don’t have that. So clearly I need to improve myself and keep working towards my goals because this really simple thing of having a friend that’s around isn’t here. She's my friend, but She has her hands full with herself and she’s over an hour away and I could go on and on but I’m pretty sure every other reason I might write is actually just my many insecurities talking (Ha! I’m on to ‘em!) Anyways all that matters is I don’t have what I need so I need to keep going. I’m currently working on a 6-pack. All the Dragon Ball Z characters have one and I've always wanted one.

     Except that's all wrong! Nobodies "perfect" and I definitely want to be like Son Gohan and I would Love washboard abs and the confidence they'll bring and it'd be a healthy thing to go for, but it's not really what I need. Besides, I'm fit enough. And let's be honest, the true reason I want to look better is I'm lonely and want to attract girl/s with muscle definition. It’s kind of fucking crazy because I’m already fucking amazing. I know I am. I'm not going to make a fucking list here for you but I'll just say that when I was like 14 or so I decided to devote my existence to making women happy and have been naturally and slowly honing the skills to be a perfect life partner, and still am learning and growing. So then my problem had become that the validation of my existence—whether I was a good worthy person or not—came not from my own determination but from my success with women and them holding me in positive regard. My hatred of men including myself is a part of this. Our culture plays a part too, elevating the status of a man up based on the attractiveness of his partner. In order to live freely as my ideal self, I need to determine my own worth and validity, not allow others or my belief of their perception of me to. I need to create the meaning in my life for myself. I need simply to Love myself. Love is the true chi. The Kamehameha. That's what all this you're reading now is. It's me putting my darkest side out to the World to be judged or Loved or shunned or ignored. This is Faith in myself that even if everyone distrusts me—even if She hates me—that I will still Love myself. I already know how to fly and I know how to survive and I know how to protect and I know how to talk and connect and I know how to please. I know how to Love. But I don’t always know how to express this person to others and I don’t know what they see instead. I have never concerned myself with outer appearances. The surface is shapeable. Someone can appear a different person by changing their jacket. But within us is everyone we've ever met. In any given situation, who will we choose to be? Will we choose to be our best self? Will we choose to be Son Gohan? Or will we choose to be Cell, our darkness?

Cell is my dark side. He wants to consume others to make himself stronger. He is my Dragon. I have always seen him as my adversary. I fear him. When he is not appeased he rages. He distracts me. He brings me down.  He paralyzes me. He sews seeds of doubt. He is self-destructive. He does not care. He just lusts and wants and needs. He covets what is not his. He is lazy and weak and afraid and fragile and gluttonous. He is the me that took on all the feelings of pain and loneliness and fear and lust.
He is my Fear.
He is my Hate.
And I need to Love him too.

I need to forgive him for being what he is.

Only then will I be able to not Hate myself

because he is my self too.

Together, we learn and grow and can make the right choices that bring not only us but all those around us higher. We can heal The World together. But in order to be my complete self, I can't be fighting with myself all the time. I can't be judging myself. I need to have Faith in myself that no matter what happens I will never give in to the darkness and no matter what blocks my path I will find a way under, over, around, or straight fuckin' through.

One thing I did in order to move forward was take that sexual being and put him away. Lock up the monster. But just like our overcrowded jails, it doesn't work. We can't just ignore people and their struggles and put them in boxes and starve them and expect them to not break. We can't do that with our selves either. People need Wisdom and people need Love. During each of our days, we each can reach out to those around us and at least offer what Love and Wisdom we have. Both of these things are free, after all.

In Loving and accepting my sexual side I also must accept I have wants that maybe Jesus wouldn't have. By embracing and Loving this self, I take those desires and I accept them and I Let Go of the ones that are wrong and I wait for the time I may fulfill my desires through mutual Love. In the mean time, I strive forward and apply myself to worthwhile endeavors with honest intention.

So with honest intention, I admit here, again, that I want sex. A lot of it, from a lot of people. If I find it, wonderful! If not I'll keep exploring and waiting but regardless I'll be fine. Just about every man in The World wants sex. I hear women do too. There's nothing wrong with that. Sex is a beautiful wonderful thing. It can be at least, if we respect it and hold it high above the dirt (not that sex in the dirt isn't fun too).
Everything I've written here has been my greatest demon I have been running away from and hiding from for years. Do please take a moment to understand how ashamed I've been for my entire adult life and how difficult and scary it is for me to click the Publish button. The time on my bicycle was, beneath the surface, a trial and a struggle for me to overcome my own self and defeat these demons. I used to HATE myself. I never wanted to kill myself, but that's because I had video games and friends and food and a Loving family and had a fiancée for a while and other great things. I needed that fiancée especially to make sure I wouldn't lose myself. I had no FAITH in myself. I didn't have enough self-control to do ten push-ups. I was weak and scarred and the loneliness killed me and I'd escape into pornography. It felt good and I could imagine myself as in control and powerful. I didn't have to be afraid of loneliness because I could take what I needed from someone. That's where Rape comes from. Firstly, the objectification of women. As in, not seeing women as people but as a thing. A what instead of a who. Then the idea that someone may take what they need from another. Finally, believing one needs sex, or believing that sex is Love. Or perhaps being driven to the point where one is willing to compromise their own morals to attain or experience what they seek.

These ideas are the Cells in our culture. They too have to be blasted away with Love. There is no other way. Sex is not always Love. Seek Love, give Love, and sex will come when it is meant to. No one has to make anything happen. That's the beauty of Love. Open your Mind and open your Heart and all shall be well. Battling these misguided ideas is a Just Cause that I'll get around to joining when I feel like it. Maybe I'll make some art or something.

     My complete self is within and I Love him and I'm proud of him. I don't know the limits of his strength. I don't know if his weaknesses will be his downfall or if he has gotten to a place where he may Soar again. He is a gentleman. He has infinite self control. He gets Lost and Confused really easily but he doesn't give up and he moves forward with everything he has toward whatever the hell his unfocused immature mind has come to find interest in next. All he really wants to do is hang out with girls and dance and explore and make art and cook and eat yummy food. Do you think he's a bum and should get a job and get to work? Fuck you. I'll work ten times harder than you do so I can get to that place in life where I can be happy and free. I'll never give up. I'll keep trying until I die. I have dreams. I have a vision. I'll figure it out. I can and I will. I'm wandering now. Through our country, through the labyrinth in my Mind, through the depths in my Heart. Some days I'm on fire and nothing can stop me. Some days I can't get out of bed and I'm in so much pain I scream. Some days I'm so Lost and Confused I can't stop crying and I look to the night sky for guidance or gifts. Some days I understand how lucky I am for everything from my Loving family to the food that falls from the sky in abundance to the clean water we all piss in to the very air we breathe. Regardless of The Day, I'm striving forward. I'm keeping my ideals held high and never compromising. I'm still only trying to live for myself, but I still have goals to accomplish and I'm only 29 DAMN IT. I'm too young to give up on my dreams and on living it up and living wildly.
     Not that I got here by myself. The only reason I didn't go crazy was thanks to Her and she just held my hand and trusted me and that would uplift me greater than anything else she could do for me. But it wasn't just Her. My parents, my brother, all the women that owe me nothing yet talk with me on facebook and read my long crazy ramblings (how do you think I wrote all this? I call it musing. Thanks ladies). All the great people I meet out in The World, especially at Toad's Place shows, that give me Wisdom or Brotherly or Sisterly Love or a Helping Hand or a Pat on the Back or a Hug. I'd be nothing without everyone. I'll be the first to admit that. So now what should I do with this life of mine and the many blessing I have been bestowed? Must I live selflessly for the good of mankind now, or may I take my pen and my Mind and use them both to work towards satisfying the longing in My Heart?
     Well, I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what I'm meant for, nor do I have any banner in particular to wave. I'm just a wanderer, and I'm gonna keep hoping for the best while I do my thing, keep learning, growing, and selfishly chasing my own dreams. If I can't find what I'm looking for in The World then I guess I have to create it. God Knows what I'll accomplish or if I'll die along the way. I know what my vote is. I know what I can do and that's only because I know what I've already done. My Body is still in One Piece, My Mind is stable enough, and there's lots of Love in My Heart. The world has other Cells to face and Mountains to climb and Women to Love and I don't know what I'm meant for but I'm not going to find out hiding in my room like I've been doing since I was 11!

     So as for me
     I want to get back on my bike.
     I want to be riding my bike again.
     I want to be back on my bike!
     But for that freedom you have to give up everything.
     One of the realizations that brought me back was what I was losing every day in order to be on my bike. Family and other Loved ones. Time and memories with them. With The World maybe ending tomorrow, what is truly the most important thing to do with my time?
     But here I feel like I'm in a cage. The bars of which I made myself.
     They're made out of that most important of all things, Love.
     Love is food. Love is grass. Love is everything. We need it. How can I do anything without it? Yet Love is heavy. It exists in our Heart and moves us towards it. Love is the lowest state of entropy. Love is a source of infinity. Our Heart moves us toward the creation and propagation of Love. All the things we think we need are just distractions. Comfort and food and safety and warmth are all good things, but we can do without them for a while. The only thing we truly always need is to breathe. Breathe. But even with that you can hold your breath. We can't do without Love. Sure, we can make it through the darkness. But in order to do we need to be fueled with Love. Once we don't have enough Love in our lives, our Heart automatically begins searching and longing and calling for it. When we don't have Love in Our Hearts—We're Dead.
     The only way I can find what I'm seeking is to get back on my bicycle.
     The only way I can retrieve my bicycle is to Love myself.
   
     To anyone reading this, know that I am there.
     I still have a lot to learn and so so so much growing to do.
     I'm a child. I don't know anything. She taught me that.
     But I Love myself and I believe in myself and nothing will cage me.
     Not anymore.


     Poetry:
     So this here poem is to a fucking amazing girl in Illinois I want to ride over to see.
     Before this KAMEHAMEHA I had a dream about her and I woke up and wrote this poem with the intention of subtly speaking my intentions. With the embrace of my dark side I want to hide it less and be more upfront with who and what I am. I prefer to be romantic—and I am—but veiling lust behind romantic gestures is exactly the kind of dishonest behavior I wish to avoid from now.
     You're beautiful and I think about you a lot and I want you bad and so if everything I wrote doesn't freak you the fuck out let's hang out. No I don't care what we do or don't do and I'd rather you surprise me anyways but if I'm having these sorts of dreams about you I need to get it out there. Regardless of if I ever see you again, here is a poem, for you. Let me know how it makes you feel.

     Glass Blown Seed

     Echoes of passion from away
     Way
     Wishes to hold today
     Day
     Feelings that always go astray
     Stray
     Right there but what to say
     Say

     Who can Judge whether Love or Lust
     Lust
     The chains upon both fated to rust
     Rust
     Forever seeking one to trust
     Trust
     To their abode my Will thrusts
     Thrust

     Unspoken aims held within
     In
     Just bodies connecting in sin
     Sin
     No shame to bear from your kin
     Kin
     Choose your way—yang or yin
     Yin

     So as the month draws near
     Near
     Intentions in my soul sear
     Sear
     Deep ancient longings rear
     Rear
     Pray inspire no fear
     No Fear





     What Do You Think?

     Grow and Live
     Give and Receive.
     Always Love
     Never Hate. Never
     Never is hard but try, at least
     Never give up, at least
     You keep goin. You'll make it
     It's not actually so hard once you do it
     We forget the pain of the shot in our arm
     and get back to playing fast enough
     Some faster than others
     Some have to learn right from wrong
     Nay, all.
     We all must learn. Every single one of us. And none of us know anything. Nothing at all.
     Sure you might know about rocket ships. Or you might know your law. Or you might know how to shoot a gun. But don't think you know people. Don't think you know what's goin' on.
     There are people everywhere, doin' all sorts of things, fightin' all sorts of battles, with ideas and knowledge and their Hearts and their Bodies. There are people naked and alone, screaming as they throw themselves against the wall. Their wall. What does the onlooker think? What do they all do?


     To Her:
     This is why I needed you. I needed you to Love me, or I couldn't Love myself, because of all this. Oh, I wanted you. More than anything in The World I wanted you. Men kill for this kind of want. I would never—but I would climb mountains. I would cross the desert. I would face anything. Give anything. Through hellfire and back I would walk to have you again. That's the burning fire of my want. But I needed you too. Not your body. I beat that. I do not need sex. I want to say that I never want to have sex without Love again, but I don't know if that's true. I will definitely Choose Love Every Time, but that's just who I am now. I fall in Love really fast. But Love is a two-way street. It's hard, but I need to be patient and wait for that Love to come back to me. I have so much for you. So so much. If you want it, you have to give Love back. I needed a phone call. I was going crazy and I was alone and I needed you to call me. I wrote you a poem and I left you a rap message that I thought was really good and you never called and it hurt so fucking much and I was alone and cold and losing it. I was never mad. I never stopped Loving you. But I didn't know what you wanted me to be or who you thought I was but this is it here. I might be older in age than you but I'm just as fragile and needy as anyone. I needed you. I needed you to call me back. I needed to get your letter. But I don't want to control you. That's my rule. Years ago, I could have stopped my ex from going out without me or hooking up with him or him or him but I didn't because I do not control with Love. It is not The Way. This is who I am and how I live and I want anyone (if you're not Her go away) reading this to know something. It's fucking hard. It's comforting to know you can control someone to be with you. It hurts when you need or want someone to be there for you or do something for you and they won't. Over time it may come to 'cause us to doubt their Love for us.
     And that is why this is all here for you. This entire blog post. To prove My Love for you, to you. I am barring my demons to The World because I need you to know and I need to know you know how much I truly Love you. That even though Cell was in me and I'm a fucked up tainted stained too old homeless dog I truly Love you and I've been in Love with you this whole time. I can prove it too—I have months of journal entries and poetry and a friggin' song and I even hid a surprise in The World somewhere for you. I started trying to let you go because it just hurt too much. By the time I got your last text on December 11th—I remember, 11 is my lucky number—I was already so crazy to the point I thought you had lied about your age and that your parents read my blog and filled statutory rape charges against me and that's one of the real reasons I freaked out when I was in Carbondale IL and the reason I left my bike behind with my friends so I could blend in and get back to Connecticut and hide at my parents' house. Until the point I was paged at the bus station in Pittsburgh this was all just in my head and I was moving on pure intuition and spiritual signs. When suddenly a real life piece of evidence that I was in some sort of trouble showed itself to me, as I already explained above, I completely lost it. I wandered the streets trying to figure it out for days. Did you send me that text that said, "I Love you" on the 11th or had they been watching me through my blog and they got their hands on your phone and sent that to me to get me to go to the train station where they could detain me. But that's crazy because you weren't 17 you were 19 so why am I even thinking these thoughts? But then why did they page me? Maybe there's an evil force out there that's on to my plan to save the country by spreading Love to every city via bicycle like Forest Gump or whatever and they're trying to destroy The World and they already control the corrupt government (in Pittsburgh at least. I'm still safe in CT) and they were gonna off me. But hey—I'm not crazy. I'm just fucking thinking about all the Infinite Possibilities! That idea you showed me, that you got from CoSM, is mind-blowing. But is it really what we should believe in? I believe in Love. I believe you Love me, and I know I Love you. And I believe that we'll meet again one day, despite all the Infinite Possibilities of me dying under a truck or "them" coming after you to get to me or me hooking up with someone on The Road and having kids and getting stuck there or you finding a boyfriend that's more socially acceptable to White New England suburbia standards and falling in Love with him too and being unable to deal with the flood of emotions from Loving more than one person, 'cause just like Infinite Possibilities I taught you Free Love and I know how hard it is.
And there's yet another possibility. That you're just as nuts and afraid to reach out as I am so you're not, and we both just can't seem to reach each other.
Or maybe you're just honest-to-goodness busy because like me you have a vision you want to find or create and you can't be foolin' around now if you want to get there!
Or my favorite. You are totally next-level Zen Chill and have been the whole time and you're reading this like, "What's this dude on?" (Just some marijuana I assure you)
But maybe you were really looking forward to the next poem. And maybe you don't understand why I didn't send it. And maybe it hurts. And maybe you lost your phone or were too afraid to call 'cause you didn't know what to say or who knows why.
Or maybe when I started telling you about all the stuff I just revealed here the last time we saw each other at my house it freaked you out because clearly you are an angel that knows no darkness and I scared you away by trying to give you this burden to share with me.
And maybe you were so freaked out and 'cause of all the marijuana we smoked you forgot how beautiful our time together was and maybe your family figured it out and they judged me or you or us both and now you hate me—there's the negativity again—and you filled a restraining order against me and sending you a poem violated it so they're after me.
Well the jokes on them. ALL of 'em. Even if that last one was true I know you'd of only done that if you had to and you wouldn't even need to feel sorry because they can't fucking catch me anyways and there's only one reason for that and it's nothing I did or didn't do—it's because you believe in me.
I know you do. I can feel it, even now. Maybe it's just about riding my bike or maybe all these crazy delusions I came up with in my head have some level of truth to them, but
It doesn't even matter. None of it does. This all happened for a reason. The possibilities are infinite and that's rock and roll exciting but the truth is right here in our Hearts and it is the most valuable beautiful thing in the entire universe so nevermind any other possibility—the possibility of Love is the greatest. And the infinite possibilities after Love are all amazing. We could go to The Moon! We could be Bonnie and Clyde! We could start a Rock Band! You can cure cancer and I'll organize the bike charity ride. We could be Just Friends! We could be anything together!
THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS.
ALL THIS RIGHT HERE IS LOVE.
LOVE IS INFINITE POSSIBILITIES.
WRITING ALL THIS I AM ON FIRE.
LOVE IS THE FIRE IN OUR HEARTS!!
And mine is still burning for you.
All my feelings pour out and just crunch on the computer screen.
They leave behind these black on white words that feel cold.
Where are you? How can I find you? How do I get to you? I'm a mess I can't show you myself right now. I can't have you see me like this I'm crazy and ugly. I believed if I got across the country you'd be there. I still kind of do. But I doubted. I looked down and I looked up and I lost my balance and I fell and crashed and I failed. I tried as hard as I could, but I couldn't do it alone. These cold words don't hold the tears that are pouring from my eyes as I write this. I could feel you. I swear I could. But my Mind just kept asking questions and I couldn't stop it and my insecurities veered it to negativity and the gravity of the possible negative realities was too much for me to handle—I hit a wall and turned around to crawl back. I lost much in the retreat, including my Mind. But I didn't give up, and I found much too, and I made it home. I went to the Shakedown show on New Year's and I had sent you that picture saying I was heading back home for the holidays so I knew you knew I was home and I decided if you didn't come that would mean you didn't want me. And you weren't there, and it hurt. Holy hell I could barely breathe. I couldn't keep living with that pain all the time, which is lame I know (I blame technology), so I had to let go of you and I resolved to do that and started falling in Love with women left and right trying to find someone who would help me get over you but that didn't work out at all and I had to do it myself.
The whole month of January was nothing but Violent Mae and crying.
     I've tried to replace you I've tried to forget about you I've tried to let go I've tried to focus on the heartache I've tried to distract myself from you I've tried to leave a bit of hope somewhere. Well that's what this is too. It's just another breadcrumb for you. It's all I can do. I can't control you. I can't call you. I can't come knock on your door. I can not reach you. I only want to give you all this if you want it. I don't want to shove my feelings in your face, no matter how pretty I make the letter. Are you done with me? I wanted to follow a Path that led to you, but I know now we mustn't do that. We have to follow our own paths. US especially. I don't know what I'm gonna do with this odd New England life of mine—I just want to ride my bike and eat and make Love all the time—but I know you're special and meant for amazing things and I shouldn't drag you down or distract you.
     But damn it I could ride up and see you on the weekends or something. We could meet up at music festivals. We could just hold hands if you wanted. That's all I need. That and dancing with you. It's not all I want but I don't actually want anything you don't want to give me. A gift only has meaning when it is given freely. Love and Sex and Time and Energy and Things—if you lie or steal or put on a mask or force—that isn't Love and it loses all meaning, whatever it is. Or maybe it has a meaning that you don't want in your life. A black stain. A mistake. An err in judgment. Was I that to you? I Love you so much, but I want to know the truth of how you feel. I touched it up with some Dragon Ball Z and way too many pretty words but I'm putting my ugly fucking soul on the internet for you so you'll know.
     Ah, but saying that is an attempt to control you! I was calling upon you to do something. A demand or condition for Love! To say, "Look what I did for Love. Now you do this too." Like it's a business transaction. Money at the cash register. That's not what Love is, and besides, this isn't all for you!
This is for me. I'm letting it all out because I have to. I'm done with the games and face and I'm finished hiding myself away from The World out of shame for my dark side. It's for me to have you too. Yet another small sliver of hope I'm putting out into existence that I pray you'll find when the time is right and it'll lead you to me. What else can I do? I refuse to tie anyone I Love down, but I want to hold and be held too. I can only move forward, and carry you with me the whole way.
     I can do that now. I'm strong enough to do that now. It was you that made me this strong. Well, it was God and The World, but it was for you.
As far as I'm concerned You Are Free and you always will be.
I don't know when or even if you'll ever read this, and that's fine.
And I'm sorry if any of this scares you.
But you know me.
This is my Leap of Faith for you.
And I needed to get all this out.
I had to get it out of my Head and into the World so I can stop thinking about it and move on along my path.
It may or may not make any sense but it's my story and I can't hold back any longer.
I want to reach my full potential.
I want to take the Fire in my Heart and all this random stuff I can do like write and write and write and Fly on my Wings somewhere and do something. Something real.
And I want to have a lot of fun along the way.
You can join me whenever you want. I'm always free.
If you ever do, you better be ready. It won't be easy.
You've got a ticket to The World with me Hayley.
My Love does not expire and my hand is forever outstretched for you.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

The Eternal Struggle to Let Love Come to You



     During this past Valentine's Day, I had a sad sort of epiphany. I looked over at a collage of pictures of my childhood and realized most of the moments are vague and almost entirely forgotten. Those pictures were taken between 20-15 years ago. This process led me to realize that in 15-20 years even this moment now, despite how beautiful it is, would be blurry and faded. Perhaps even gone. What melancholy I felt as I looked at my Lover. Just days later, I already can not replay the entire script.
     What then is the meaning of beautiful experiences if we cannot recall them? What are we searching for? Perhaps it is simply the knowledge that we had an experience, or to remember how such an experience made us feel. Or maybe we're all just wandering around trying to get what we want and need—or at least what we think we want and need. What we all really need is Love, but the more of anything we have the less value each bit of it has to us. Take Water, for example. Just about as important as Love, right? In many places around the World, clean Water is the absolute most precious resource. Here in Connecticut we piss in it.
     If we have Water we drink it, or bathe in it, or whatever. If we don't have Water, we go and get it. If we don't have enough Water we go and find more. We all need a certain amount of Water, but luckily in most places the stuff falls from the sky or collects under the ground. Love is a little different from Water.
     Everyone has Love, but you have to get them to give it to you somehow. So what's the plan? Ask nicely? Say please? Well, can't sound too "desperate." Maybe we can just be awesome. People say they Love the guy on the guitar on stage. Let's be that guy. Then we can get Love. Ah crap, that's gonna take like a couple years to get up there... Well, maybe we can fill out this sort-of Love resume online and send it to other prospective Love applicants. If they notice you sent them a message at all and take the time to look over your information and credentials and scrutinize your opinions you put on there and don't think you look bad in your pictures then maybe they'll give Loving you a shot. But wow, that's a whole lot of work when I can just skip right to the "hello" step by just going out to where people are in the first place.
     Okay so we're at a Bar/show/party/farmer's market and now there's a new question. Who actually wants to give some of their Love out? Some people aren't "available" I guess. I mean, that's totally fair. It's their Love after all, they can do or not do whatever they want with it. So how do we figure out who might have any to share? It'd be helpful if people wore signs or something, but if we all did that we might as well just go back to online dating (nevermind that it would look ridiculous). Well, we could go around asking people, but that's kind of a rude way to meet someone. Besides, it's not like we only want Love.
     People are great and I want to meet everyone. But I'm also not about to leave my house if I know there's not one single lady at wherever I'm going. I have other things to do y'know and the only reason I'm not doing them is because My Heart occasionally fills with such intense longing that it is literally paralyzing me (maybe three times a day or so). Plus staying at home all the time is driving me nuts! So okay, we get out, and how about we "just be ourself" and let The Universe do the rest of the work. Good plan, I'll just sit back and watch. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm just going to go where I'm gonna go, do my thing, respond however I feel like to people, and observe. I Love observing. I Love learning and watching how things play out. The way people interact and give and receive information is almost like a game.


     But that's exactly what I don't want Love to be! Some sort of chess game! Lock eyes with a Lady who's also playing somewhere and the game has begun, whether you realize it or not. The Kings are our Hearts, the Queens our bodies, the Rooks are home and family, the Knights are interests and hobbies, the Bishops are attraction and lust, and every Pawn a little piece of ourselves we value. She moves her Pawn forward. Her hair is dyed bright red. She likes to stand out I guess. Cool, so do I. How do I express this shared trait? I'll move my Pawn up too. She moves her knight up from the back. She's into art. Awesome, artists are so cool. I better take that piece. Move up my pawns now. I'm a dancer. I'm into crafts. Her Knight takes the craft Pawn but it was a trap and my Egocentric center-of-attention Pawn takes her Knight.
     I'm playing chess with other girls too. I don't want to "play," but I can't stop thinking about how each word I say and every action I make is perceived by those around me and has a direct effect on how they perceive me. A lot of the time I have no idea the consequences my words or actions will cause. That idea freaked me out once which caused me to hide in my room for a while, afraid of the World and inadvertently hurting someone in it somehow. I don't think that's what God wants us to do though; hide from each other in our holes or towers, afraid of going outside in fear of stepping on the grass. Plus, the loneliness compounds over time, and I am compelled to not only step outside, but to go to where the people are and play the game. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know if I dance you'll know how fast I can move. I don't know what you'll think of this Bamboo Pipe I made but maybe you'll think it's cool I make 'em. I don't know what you'll think of my travel stories or that I used to be an Elementary School Teacher or engaged or that I'm living in my parents' attic right now and have absolutely no plans to pursue any sort of career or job because all I want to do is live my life freely on my bicycle, but I hope you think all or most of that is cool because I'm fucking lonely and I've been fucking lonely and even if we both felt the same way we can't just stop and have a conversation about it and hold each other because we have to play this dumb game first.
     My Traveler pawn takes her Responsible Drug Usage pawn, only to be taken in turn by her Traveler pawn. Exactly as planned, my Rook slides over and takes hers. She's in my room now and we're smoking up. I take her bishop next. I ask her if she'll be my valentine. With just my Queen and Rook I'm cornering her King and taking all her pieces. I'm having fun now—I'm winning after allbut I still just want to tell her about my dreams and how lonely I've been and how I want to be sincere and genuine but I know why I'm feeling every emotion that I'm feelingyeah take my Bishop I want you toso every one of my actions feels planned or calculated and I wonder if hers are too and can't we just look into each other's eyes and say absolutely nothing? She takes my other Bishop and I ask if I can kiss her. I'm a gentleman. I always ask. It's my turn and it'd be checkmate, but instead I knock my own King over. I don't want to play games with anyone's Heart and I already Love you. You Win.
     Thank you so much for playing with me.
     Thank you so much for giving me your time.
     I'm a different person now then the person I was before I met you. I learned. I grew. That's meaning. Love was never really a game to me, I can just look at it that way because I have some conceptualization of what's happening, or at least I think I do. The pieces are us. What the hell are we doing? You have My Heart now. You're sharing it with a few others that don't seem to want it or know what to do with it right now. It hurt them or it scared them or maybe it's just weird. Well, those last two sentences are just my insecurities talking. What are you gonna do with it? And when you're done with it, what will I want and need next? The memories are fading away. Do I need to collect more to keep my life as beautiful as it was a year ago when I thought I had everything figured out and the entire World was open to me?
     Ah shit. This all belongs in my Journal, not on the blog. Should I even publish this nonsense? As with most of my blog posts, I am relatively aware of how this information is perceived by people. Actually I might be totally off as to what people think of me from this, but someone probably thinks something. Am I afraid of that? Is that why I prefer my less traveled blogspot.com corner of the internet over posting this stuff on facebook? Maybe I'm not afraid and just aware, and that awareness leads me to consider the effects of my words, and considering the effects of my words leads me to consider writing specific ideas so as to purposefully craft the image of myself in any readers mind. Actually going through that consideration though causes me to feel highly disingenuous.
     Neverminding the authenticity of the blog, I believe going through this process in interpersonal relationships would be defined as "manipulative." "Just being yourself" is definitely the best way to be, but what is self? Is self not a combination of our present state of being and our past experiences? And then there's the trick I've learned. Here's one of my secrets (; Ideal self. When making a decision, stop and consider what the Ideal Self would do. Don't just be who you are. Be who you want to be. If you can't, because of fear or inability or lack of knowledge or whatever, then you know what to work on!
     So no, I do not want to be conniving or manipulating, nor do I wish to needlessly worry about how I present myself with my speech and actions. But I do wish to constantly be striving to be greater than what I am. I have a drive in My Heart, which sometimes gets buried by all the other emotions, like the aforementioned loneliness and the insecurities and fear and melancholy that comes with that, but when I dig past it I find myself and my dreams and my vision. The connection between it all lies in that many of my dreams and my image of ideal self have to do with each other. My ideal self would make the steps towards the dream. That's how you make dreams come true. Move towards them and don't let anything stop you.
     But we can't follow our dreams if we don't have what we need. The beauty of humanity is that all of our needs are the same. Food, shelter, Love. Those are the three essentials. We can feel we have additional needs though. Comfort, constant companionship, sex, money, power, fame, etc. There's nothing immoral about pursuing these things, if done responsibly, but I wonder if they'll really make people happy when they get 'em. The problem though comes from choosing one of these "needs" over the pursuit of your dreams. I for one know that if I stopped pursuing my dreams to get money because I "needed" it I would never find happiness on that path. Either get it or do without, but go for it either way, when you're ready. Be the person you want to be. Take the leap. Fly!


     I haven't written a poem in a while.
     Here ya go!


     What Am I To You?

     Most people Love like Fishing.
     You cast your pole and you do your thing.
     Hang out. Listen to music. Chat. Text. Drink. Eat.
     The wise know it's really about waiting, not acting.
     There are those that try maybe too hard, spending hundreds on gadgetry or shiny fancy things.
     But the wise know it's really about who you are, not what you have.
     Then there are those that figured out how to cast a net and catch lots of Fish.
     But the wise know it's really about quality, not quantity
     And Then there are those that just do it for show, so they can have their picture taken with a nice prize catch.
     But the wise know it's really about Love, not Looks.
     When a Fish finally takes the bait you gotta reel 'em in quickly, but with finesse, and if they don't get away you get 'em into your boat!
     At that point most people will check 'em out and if they don't like 'em throw 'em back
     But if you do Love your catch you gotta get 'em to Love you too
     So you can keep 'em and bring 'em home to the folks!
     If they Love you too of course.
     Probably shouldn't try to keep too many though.
     Fish are slippery.
     Try to hold onto more than one and you're likely to lose all of 'em.

     Some people Love like Bird Watching
     You look through your binoculars and go out into The World
     Walk. Hike. Camp. Think. Drink. Eat.
     The wise know it's really about seeing, not looking.
     There are those that maybe try too hard, spending hundreds on gadgetry or shiny fancy things.
     But the wise know it's really about discovering, not attracting.
     Then there are those that figured out how to cast a spell and catch lots of Birds.
     But the wise know it's really about Freedom, not control.
     And then there are those that do it just for show, so they can have their picture taken with a Bird in the background.
     But the wise know it's really about the memory, not the snapshot.
     When you at last glimpse a Bird you pray it'll come to you, and if it's meant to they will.
     At that point most people will scope 'em out and if they get bored they'll move on.
     But if you do Love that bird there's nothing you can do but hope they Love you too
     So maybe they'll come over to you and stay a while
     Probably shouldn't try to cage 'em though
     Birds have to be Free to Fly
     Try to hold onto one too tightly and you're likely to strangle 'em.

     People Love in all sorts of other ways too.
     Some People Love like a Master Loves a Pet
     Some People Love like Gollum Loves his Ring
     Some People Love like an Engineer Loves their Creation
     Some People Love like a Collector Loves their Collection
     Some People Love like The Earth
     Some People Love like The Moon
     Some People Love like The Sun
     Some People Love like The Stars
     Some People Love like Hate.
     Just remember to Love in the way that you want to be Loved.
     For it is just as in Life as it is in Love
     What you give is what you get.