During this past Valentine's Day, I had a sad sort of epiphany. I looked over at a collage of pictures of my childhood and realized most of the moments are vague and almost entirely forgotten. Those pictures were taken between 20-15 years ago. This process led me to realize that in 15-20 years even this moment now, despite how beautiful it is, would be blurry and faded. Perhaps even gone. What melancholy I felt as I looked at my Lover. Just days later, I already can not replay the entire script.
What then is the meaning of beautiful experiences if we cannot recall them? What are we searching for? Perhaps it is simply the knowledge that we had an experience, or to remember how such an experience made us feel. Or maybe we're all just wandering around trying to get what we want and need—or at least what we think we want and need. What we all really need is Love, but the more of anything we have the less value each bit of it has to us. Take Water, for example. Just about as important as Love, right? In many places around the World, clean Water is the absolute most precious resource. Here in Connecticut we piss in it.
If we have Water we drink it, or bathe in it, or whatever. If we don't have Water, we go and get it. If we don't have enough Water we go and find more. We all need a certain amount of Water, but luckily in most places the stuff falls from the sky or collects under the ground. Love is a little different from Water.
Everyone has Love, but you have to get them to give it to you somehow. So what's the plan? Ask nicely? Say please? Well, can't sound too "desperate." Maybe we can just be awesome. People say they Love the guy on the guitar on stage. Let's be that guy. Then we can get Love. Ah crap, that's gonna take like a couple years to get up there... Well, maybe we can fill out this sort-of Love resume online and send it to other prospective Love applicants. If they notice you sent them a message at all and take the time to look over your information and credentials and scrutinize your opinions you put on there and don't think you look bad in your pictures then maybe they'll give Loving you a shot. But wow, that's a whole lot of work when I can just skip right to the "hello" step by just going out to where people are in the first place.
Okay so we're at a Bar/show/party/farmer's market and now there's a new question. Who actually wants to give some of their Love out? Some people aren't "available" I guess. I mean, that's totally fair. It's their Love after all, they can do or not do whatever they want with it. So how do we figure out who might have any to share? It'd be helpful if people wore signs or something, but if we all did that we might as well just go back to online dating (nevermind that it would look ridiculous). Well, we could go around asking people, but that's kind of a rude way to meet someone. Besides, it's not like we only want Love.
People are great and I want to meet everyone. But I'm also not about to leave my house if I know there's not one single lady at wherever I'm going. I have other things to do y'know and the only reason I'm not doing them is because My Heart occasionally fills with such intense longing that it is literally paralyzing me (maybe three times a day or so). Plus staying at home all the time is driving me nuts! So okay, we get out, and how about we "just be ourself" and let The Universe do the rest of the work. Good plan, I'll just sit back and watch. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm just going to go where I'm gonna go, do my thing, respond however I feel like to people, and observe. I Love observing. I Love learning and watching how things play out. The way people interact and give and receive information is almost like a game.
But that's exactly what I don't want Love to be! Some sort of chess game! Lock eyes with a Lady who's also playing somewhere and the game has begun, whether you realize it or not. The Kings are our Hearts, the Queens our bodies, the Rooks are home and family, the Knights are interests and hobbies, the Bishops are attraction and lust, and every Pawn a little piece of ourselves we value. She moves her Pawn forward. Her hair is dyed bright red. She likes to stand out I guess. Cool, so do I. How do I express this shared trait? I'll move my Pawn up too. She moves her knight up from the back. She's into art. Awesome, artists are so cool. I better take that piece. Move up my pawns now. I'm a dancer. I'm into crafts. Her Knight takes the craft Pawn but it was a trap and my Egocentric center-of-attention Pawn takes her Knight.
I'm playing chess with other girls too. I don't want to "play," but I can't stop thinking about how each word I say and every action I make is perceived by those around me and has a direct effect on how they perceive me. A lot of the time I have no idea the consequences my words or actions will cause. That idea freaked me out once which caused me to hide in my room for a while, afraid of the World and inadvertently hurting someone in it somehow. I don't think that's what God wants us to do though; hide from each other in our holes or towers, afraid of going outside in fear of stepping on the grass. Plus, the loneliness compounds over time, and I am compelled to not only step outside, but to go to where the people are and play the game. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know if I dance you'll know how fast I can move. I don't know what you'll think of this Bamboo Pipe I made but maybe you'll think it's cool I make 'em. I don't know what you'll think of my travel stories or that I used to be an Elementary School Teacher or engaged or that I'm living in my parents' attic right now and have absolutely no plans to pursue any sort of career or job because all I want to do is live my life freely on my bicycle, but I hope you think all or most of that is cool because I'm fucking lonely and I've been fucking lonely and even if we both felt the same way we can't just stop and have a conversation about it and hold each other because we have to play this dumb game first.
My Traveler pawn takes her Responsible Drug Usage pawn, only to be taken in turn by her Traveler pawn. Exactly as planned, my Rook slides over and takes hers. She's in my room now and we're smoking up. I take her bishop next. I ask her if she'll be my valentine. With just my Queen and Rook I'm cornering her King and taking all her pieces. I'm having fun now—I'm winning after all—but I still just want to tell her about my dreams and how lonely I've been and how I want to be sincere and genuine but I know why I'm feeling every emotion that I'm feeling—yeah take my Bishop I want you to—so every one of my actions feels planned or calculated and I wonder if hers are too and can't we just look into each other's eyes and say absolutely nothing? She takes my other Bishop and I ask if I can kiss her. I'm a gentleman. I always ask. It's my turn and it'd be checkmate, but instead I knock my own King over. I don't want to play games with anyone's Heart and I already Love you. You Win.
Thank you so much for giving me your time.
I'm a different person now then the person I was before I met you. I learned. I grew. That's meaning. Love was never really a game to me, I can just look at it that way because I have some conceptualization of what's happening, or at least I think I do. The pieces are us. What the hell are we doing? You have My Heart now. You're sharing it with a few others that don't seem to want it or know what to do with it right now. It hurt them or it scared them or maybe it's just weird. Well, those last two sentences are just my insecurities talking. What are you gonna do with it? And when you're done with it, what will I want and need next? The memories are fading away. Do I need to collect more to keep my life as beautiful as it was a year ago when I thought I had everything figured out and the entire World was open to me?
Neverminding the authenticity of the blog, I believe going through this process in interpersonal relationships would be defined as "manipulative." "Just being yourself" is definitely the best way to be, but what is self? Is self not a combination of our present state of being and our past experiences? And then there's the trick I've learned. Here's one of my secrets (; Ideal self. When making a decision, stop and consider what the Ideal Self would do. Don't just be who you are. Be who you want to be. If you can't, because of fear or inability or lack of knowledge or whatever, then you know what to work on!
So no, I do not want to be conniving or manipulating, nor do I wish to needlessly worry about how I present myself with my speech and actions. But I do wish to constantly be striving to be greater than what I am. I have a drive in My Heart, which sometimes gets buried by all the other emotions, like the aforementioned loneliness and the insecurities and fear and melancholy that comes with that, but when I dig past it I find myself and my dreams and my vision. The connection between it all lies in that many of my dreams and my image of ideal self have to do with each other. My ideal self would make the steps towards the dream. That's how you make dreams come true. Move towards them and don't let anything stop you.
But we can't follow our dreams if we don't have what we need. The beauty of humanity is that all of our needs are the same. Food, shelter, Love. Those are the three essentials. We can feel we have additional needs though. Comfort, constant companionship, sex, money, power, fame, etc. There's nothing immoral about pursuing these things, if done responsibly, but I wonder if they'll really make people happy when they get 'em. The problem though comes from choosing one of these "needs" over the pursuit of your dreams. I for one know that if I stopped pursuing my dreams to get money because I "needed" it I would never find happiness on that path. Either get it or do without, but go for it either way, when you're ready. Be the person you want to be. Take the leap. Fly!
I haven't written a poem in a while.
Here ya go!
What Am I To You?
Most people Love like Fishing.
You cast your pole and you do your thing.
Hang out. Listen to music. Chat. Text. Drink. Eat.
The wise know it's really about waiting, not acting.
There are those that try maybe too hard, spending hundreds on gadgetry or shiny fancy things.
But the wise know it's really about who you are, not what you have.
Then there are those that figured out how to cast a net and catch lots of Fish.
But the wise know it's really about quality, not quantity
And Then there are those that just do it for show, so they can have their picture taken with a nice prize catch.
But the wise know it's really about Love, not Looks.
Most people Love like Fishing.
You cast your pole and you do your thing.
Hang out. Listen to music. Chat. Text. Drink. Eat.
The wise know it's really about waiting, not acting.
There are those that try maybe too hard, spending hundreds on gadgetry or shiny fancy things.
But the wise know it's really about who you are, not what you have.
Then there are those that figured out how to cast a net and catch lots of Fish.
But the wise know it's really about quality, not quantity
And Then there are those that just do it for show, so they can have their picture taken with a nice prize catch.
But the wise know it's really about Love, not Looks.
When a Fish finally takes the bait you
gotta reel 'em in quickly, but with finesse, and if they don't get
away you get 'em into your boat!
At that point most people will check 'em out and if they don't like 'em throw 'em back
But if you do Love your catch you gotta get 'em to Love you too
So you can keep 'em and bring 'em home to the folks!
If they Love you too of course.
Probably shouldn't try to keep too many though.
Fish are slippery.
Try to hold onto more than one and you're likely to lose all of 'em.
Some people Love like Bird Watching
You look through your binoculars and go out into The World
Walk. Hike. Camp. Think. Drink. Eat.
The wise know it's really about seeing, not looking.
There are those that maybe try too hard, spending hundreds on gadgetry or shiny fancy things.
But the wise know it's really about discovering, not attracting.
Then there are those that figured out how to cast a spell and catch lots of Birds.
But the wise know it's really about Freedom, not control.
And then there are those that do it just for show, so they can have their picture taken with a Bird in the background.
At that point most people will check 'em out and if they don't like 'em throw 'em back
But if you do Love your catch you gotta get 'em to Love you too
So you can keep 'em and bring 'em home to the folks!
If they Love you too of course.
Probably shouldn't try to keep too many though.
Fish are slippery.
Try to hold onto more than one and you're likely to lose all of 'em.
Some people Love like Bird Watching
You look through your binoculars and go out into The World
Walk. Hike. Camp. Think. Drink. Eat.
The wise know it's really about seeing, not looking.
There are those that maybe try too hard, spending hundreds on gadgetry or shiny fancy things.
But the wise know it's really about discovering, not attracting.
Then there are those that figured out how to cast a spell and catch lots of Birds.
But the wise know it's really about Freedom, not control.
And then there are those that do it just for show, so they can have their picture taken with a Bird in the background.
But the wise know it's really about the
memory, not the snapshot.
When you at last glimpse a Bird you pray it'll come to you, and if it's meant to they will.
At that point most people will scope 'em out and if they get bored they'll move on.
But if you do Love that bird there's nothing you can do but hope they Love you too
So maybe they'll come over to you and stay a while
Probably shouldn't try to cage 'em though
Birds have to be Free to Fly
Try to hold onto one too tightly and you're likely to strangle 'em.
People Love in all sorts of other ways too.
Some People Love like a Master Loves a Pet
Some People Love like Gollum Loves his Ring
Some People Love like an Engineer Loves their Creation
Some People Love like a Collector Loves their Collection
Some People Love like The Earth
Some People Love like The Moon
Some People Love like The Sun
Some People Love like The Stars
Some People Love like Hate.
Just remember to Love in the way that you want to be Loved.
For it is just as in Life as it is in Love
What you give is what you get.
When you at last glimpse a Bird you pray it'll come to you, and if it's meant to they will.
At that point most people will scope 'em out and if they get bored they'll move on.
But if you do Love that bird there's nothing you can do but hope they Love you too
So maybe they'll come over to you and stay a while
Probably shouldn't try to cage 'em though
Birds have to be Free to Fly
Try to hold onto one too tightly and you're likely to strangle 'em.
People Love in all sorts of other ways too.
Some People Love like a Master Loves a Pet
Some People Love like Gollum Loves his Ring
Some People Love like an Engineer Loves their Creation
Some People Love like a Collector Loves their Collection
Some People Love like The Earth
Some People Love like The Moon
Some People Love like The Sun
Some People Love like The Stars
Some People Love like Hate.
Just remember to Love in the way that you want to be Loved.
For it is just as in Life as it is in Love
What you give is what you get.
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