"The price of getting what you want, is getting what once you wanted."
~Dream
Sharing my Journey
Written or Spoken
Keeps me Going
Winter is Ending.
Time to Head Out.
Honestly I don't think I'm ready.
But I Need to throw myself out into the World
Being depressed in my room all day eating too much peanut butter might be okay for a little while to process emotions and heal but eventually I gotta return to My Path.
I'm only growing weaker hiding at Home
They used to have a water mill years ago but they got rid of it
I was gonna go with Solar Panels but rerouting water to a mill would be pretty cool too
Most people Just drive by
But I stop now and then on my bicycle to appreciate it.
Strong Men
Leaders in their Communities
At the Ready to Serve
That's Who I Want to Be.
But I'll give this service a visit next year for sure
This is one gift among many for the Navajo.
I was cutting wax from a candle to seal the pieces together
The wax snapped and my hand was not in a wise place so I stabbed myself and began bleeding profusely.
I had already etched in a Shooting Star but had yet to color it
A Shooting Blood Star
I Hope Revus appreciates it
So I figured might as well make it a Blood Pipe
Not For Sale.
So I brought extra food Just for that
Spring may come
But the Winter of My Heart continues
I Love this city
I'd totally live here one day if I could
So glad I could give it a visit on my way West
Glad Her and I survived.
This is Who I Want to Be.
I had forgotten how Scary it was, once I got above the rung that Falling would equal Demise. A few unstable crackly steps at the bottom was a nice touch too.
That Fear subsided though, as Confidence came forth.
"I can Do this."
"I can Do this."
"...Can I Do this?"
If the Truth is No and one proceeds regardless—that's Pride. The kind that gets You killed.
On the other hand, if You can Do something but doubt yourself too much, the Fear Rises, and you may turn around prematurely (like I did on Little Bear).
One minute it... "Ooo a picture would be cool.
NO. FOCUS.
I move my left arm up two rungs.
DON'T FALL.
I move my left leg up two rungs.
DON'T FALL.
I move my right arm up two rungs.
DON'T FALL.
I move my right leg up two rungs.
I think of Her.
NO. FOCUS.
I move my left arm up two rungs.
I think of Her.
NO. FOCUS.
I move my left leg up two rungs.
I think of Her.
NO. FOCUS.
I move my right arm up two rungs.
I think of what I'm gonna do the next time a Lady I'm attracted to is attracted to me.
DON'T FALL. KEEP CLIMBING. FOCUS.
I move my right leg up two rungs.
Hook-ups are Damn expensive.
Left arm.
You pay for them in Blood.
Left leg.
Maybe I can Just keep running and hiding.
Right arm.
Maybe I can stall all the way to next Christmas.
Right leg.
You'd think I'd be excited or something about "getting laid."
Left arm.
I'm Just going to Hurt a Sister and Lose Everything.
Left Leg.
I Just Want to Get to The Pacific Coast.
Right Arm.
I Just Need to Be Stronger.
Right Leg.
The pushed-in tiny rungs are about mid-way up or so. Less scary but more difficult to climb on.
The rungs are the top are Bent Down.
Like someone really heavy stepped on them and the iron Bent.
Easier to climb on—much more frightening.
I'm so frustrated with my self.
So much Hunger.
So much Failing.
I knew I Needed to climb this again.
A Test.
One that if I failed, I'd Die.
SO. FOCUS.
Left arm.
I Want to get there.
Left leg.
I Want to...
Right arm.
I...
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
Left arm.
Left leg.
Right arm.
Right leg.
I don't Want to go to someone out of Weakness.
I Want to Be Strong.
And if I Take someone I Want to Be in Control of myself and know that it's Right and it to Be My Decision.
I Want My Heart to Sing. Not Scream.
I Want to reach the top. Not Slip and Fall to My Death.
I Want Love.
Not a cup of Ramen Noodles.
I Want to Love My Self.
That means Earning that.
So climb into the building
(Good place for a camp fire)
Then out the hole in the back
Climb up to it and shimmy along the cliff
Don't Fall and Die.
You'll reach a short wall at the end and climb over that.
Alternatively, you can hop the fence earlier
But then you don't get to shimmy along a cliff!
Here you have the option of going left and descending into the ravine then climbing up the other side of it
Don't fall in the random holes
If you don't know the Double Jump Skill you can get away with climbing down this side in the Winter
You'll come up to here from the other side if you chose to descend into the ravine
(Great place to camp)
If you decide to camp up here
Enjoy the peaceful sound of falling water all Night
Climb down carefully
Avoiding the Poison Ivy if it's there
and go through the hole to this canyon-like area
Ahead of You is Ezra's Tunnel
For some reason however a gate was installed and locked so progressing further was unfortunately impossible
Guess those memories are locked away for now
Hopefully some local college students will come by with some bolt cutters and clear the way
Going through Ezra's Tunnel will bring you out to the top of the previously photographed Ithaca Falls
Beautiful Spot
Carefully climb up the wall to the East
Pick up this short trail which leads to the parking lot of a frat house
Smile and Wave as you pass trespass on their private property and then your back to the street
After successfully climbing the smoke stack and navigating the Ithaca Guns Gauntlet again
I head back to Cornell to putz around a bit while I waited for my Brother David to finish his affairs
Remember the time I visited You and "S" place, sometime in August I believe, and we were on the couch Just the two of us together.
Actually, You were in the chair I think and I was on the floor
And You held My Hand.
I knew You could Feel My Love for You then.
I looked up and saw Your face and You looked so happy that I was Yours. And I didn't care about anything other than that—than Just Seeing You Smile.
You still held My Hand then.
That was when You still held My Hand...
Cornell is definitely one of the most Spectacular campuses in The World
The Buildings are all Beautiful and it is built atop a high hill overlooking the city of Ithaca
I saw my messages on FB as Delivered—not Seen.
The thought of my name in Bold
Buried in Your message box along with the other suitors You're not interested in.
I guess You don't think I'm pretty cool anymore...
That Hurts so much I stagger and wheeze.
As I struggle to breathe and regain my composure
I suddenly wonder what You did with all the gifts I gave You...
This here is the famous McGraw Tower
Environment has a huge effect on us
Just being here and feeling the energy definitely makes me want to Study!
I didn't feel the Need to sneak into a class this time though haha
As I Jog to meet up with my Brother, I pass by and meet eyes with a lovely lady. She doesn't look exactly like You, but she's Asian, so of course I think of You.
I smile and, "how d'ya do?"
She does that thing ladies do with their hair when they like a guy then kinda coyly looks away
Then she's gone.
Some guys might be excited for "Travel Tinder"
I'd rather Go Home and Hug My Mom.
I'd rather Go Home and Hug My Mom.
I'd rather show my sister that there's men out there that aren't Just trying to fuck them.
I'd rather make it to You.
You are My Free Will.
A couple more blocks away I pass another lovely lady who doesn't look exactly like You either, but she's Asian, so of course I think of You. Just about every Asian lady makes me think of You. This lady is carrying a cup of yogurt with two fingers.
"Heh... She's carrying that yogurt really funnily..." I think as I Jog past, and I pretty easily pretty automatically imagine it actually was You. I See You, holding the yogurt cup, and I really smile, then cut myself off, 'cause it's not You, and I'm apparently crazy, and I'm Just gonna be sad, and it hurts.
I saw Your message while I was at the Hospital with my Brother.
You sent me a Flower.
You read my messages—and sent me a Flower.
That's the opposite of ignoring me or telling me off.
Maybe it doesn't mean anything
maybe you hit the little flower emoticon in the bottom right corner by accident Oh oops didn't mean to send that
maybe after the last message I sent You the last message I plan on sending You in a long while You Just didn't know what to say and probably figured You'd listen/read later if you remember and You'll probably forget for a while I don't know I won't know
But maybe
Just maybe
My Last Message made a difference
Just a music link and a link to Grateful For Life and two sentences
which read,
Sorry for not leaving You alone forever
maybe you hit the little flower emoticon in the bottom right corner by accident Oh oops didn't mean to send that
maybe after the last message I sent You the last message I plan on sending You in a long while You Just didn't know what to say and probably figured You'd listen/read later if you remember and You'll probably forget for a while I don't know I won't know
But maybe
Just maybe
My Last Message made a difference
Just a music link and a link to Grateful For Life and two sentences
which read,
Sorry for not leaving You alone forever
I guess I Just...
Believe it Still Matters.
It's up to You, it Always is
But You should Read This
If Nothing Else...
Believe it Still Matters.
It's up to You, it Always is
But You should Read This
If Nothing Else...
This is absolutely something I've always longed for.
Less for the hedonistic pleasures it promises
More for the Healing that would come from being in such a place of Peaceful Beautiful Love.
Less for the hedonistic pleasures it promises
More for the Healing that would come from being in such a place of Peaceful Beautiful Love.
"There's lots of Time to gather resources while players are doing stuff to each other."
~David
~David
A Gate appears and the entity tells You that in a few minutes this image will break and there will not be a similar conjunction of Time and Space for three years.
This entity appears and asks you if you have any plans or objectives for the rest of your time in this material reality
We exited the apartment high up and outside
Somebody shouts our name and you realize you're not supposed to be here
I See now that what I thought were $100 bills are Just white napkins with writing on them
Saint Christopher
Another Man to emulate if We Can.
Another Man to emulate if We Can.
It is His Inner Strength We Admire.
The ability to draw upon that in the necessary moment.
We Need to have that.
The Goose Girl
~By William-Adolphe Bouguereau
This painting clearly isn't of a set posed image.
It appears to me, this painting must have been painted from the artist's memory.
A Sacred Moment.
Cherished.
Protected in his memories, Forever.
Immortalized in this Labor of Love.
That is what makes this painting a masterpiece.
We are the Lucky ones, He and I, to be Blessed with such Sacred Gifts.
Regardless of future events.
The Goose Girl's Purity and Innocence remind me of a day when I too had those things about me.
The Work inspires within me a desire to Paint.
Alas, for I have Chosen the Pen.
I am a Writer.
Our actual physical life in this world does not depend on the narrative of our Love.
So there's Hope there, actually
Because even if we Fail completely and mess everything up and are hurt beyond belief—even if it's not our fault
Life Goes On
And we're Stronger and Wiser.
Maybe we Need to Rest and Heal
Maybe we Need to Think and Figure some stuff out
But even in the wake of tragedy
We become Greater Versions of Ourselves
Though—we must choose that
Thanks for the ride and all your Hospitality Brother
Your Son is Beautiful
You're an Amazing Father and I Am so so Proud of You
In Ohio now—I'm at a bus stop and there You are. Well, not You— Just a lovely lady that doesn't look exactly like You, but she's Asian, with bleached hair tips, so of course I think of You. I avoid starring at her butt and focus on the bleached hair. It reminds me of the photos You sent me long ago. Photos I've looked at many times—Lovingly and Longfully.
Your Son is Beautiful
You're an Amazing Father and I Am so so Proud of You
I wasn't really prepared for that
I am absolutely Over Encumbered
I'm able to talk my way into leaving in the morning but come the dawn I start walking down the road and barely make it a mile before I fall to my knees under the weight of what I'm carrying.
I don't Need Everything I'm carrying, y'see
4/10 of my effects are gifts!
Including a backpack, two purses, and a gallon of Water.
For myself, I'm only carrying
Violin
Art Bag
Food Bag
Sleeping Bag
Camelback
Bike Tire Repair stuff
And the clothes on my back.
So it's not that I get fatigued but rather my arm muscles need to rest.
I could have been doing more push-ups during these last few weeks...
Damn it.
I Hate Feeling Weak.
Sounds like a Good Idea!
I'm always looking to be inspired by Great Figures of Humanity
I could especially use the inspiration these days...
I Keep leap-frogging down the street feeling frustrated but trying to keep a positive mindset and not think about Everything but it hits me now and then which causes me to Just collapse.
Which apparently prompts a nice man in a van to stop and check up on me
He brings me a few miles down the road and drops me off at an Arby's.
There's nothing for me there so I keep walking.
A kind old lady stops to check up on me and gives me some water.
I make it a little further and pass out on a bench
I'm soon woken by a younger woman who reminds me of someone I worked with in the past who gives me some homemade Peanut Butter Oat Balls (omg yas) and after hearing my story gives me a ride a few more miles down the road to a truck stop.
I decide to order some French Toast at the restaurant inside (as being a customer helps prevent being run off) and the waitress tells a story of how someone stole fifty dollars from her earlier in the day.
I only have forty something, but I leave it all as a tip, then ask the management if they'd mind me hitchin' for a ride out front.
"You got one one hour!"
"Deal!"
"And that French Toast was reeeeeally good!" as I walk away.
An hour of fiddlin' by the road passes and there's no ride, so I go inside and ask for two plastic garbage bags. I then take their filled trash bins outside to the dumpster and replace the bags within. Before I can get my things, the waitress comes out and tells me she called the police and they have the guys ID so she's probably gonna get her money back so I can have my money.
I say I don't Need it I Just Need a ride.
She says she already put my money back in my bag, then thinks for a second, and agrees to ride me the few miles to the Wal-Mart
I hop out at the Wal-Mart and get to Fiddlin'
Every now and then someone'll try to hand me some dollars and I'll put my hand atop theirs and say,
"You Keep that.
Instead, Just say a prayer I get my ride down to Arizona."
I Love being Free of it.
Sure, I'd Love to go into the Wal-mart and buy some milk and cerealBut I've already got Peanut Butter so I'm all set
I'm trying not to eat so much anyways.
A kind older woman hands me a bag of food, which I accept.
Food seems Higher than Money
The Food has an Energy of Goodness in it when it is Given Freely and out of Compassion like that
I eat just a bit then keep Fiddlin'
That same older woman comes back out after her shopping and I stroll over to her car and help her load her groceries.
I hop into the little carriage go-cart to return it for her and start scooting back to the entrance on it when I see that a Beautiful Sister has pulled up next to my bags,
"Hey! Do You Need a Place to Stay?"
My Smile could not have been wider.
"Really!?!?"
So Sister brought me to her Father's Castle
Which I named "Jim's Education Castle"
As he bought an old Elementary School and basically turned it into an apartment complex
Except not to rent out but one that He and his Clan live in
And apparently shelter travelers as well
For which I am thankful
I was invited within and to the table.
Such a Beautiful thing to do to Trust a Stranger and open one's doors to them to help them along in their life and/or Journey.
As a Traveler it is important I Appreciate Every Gift Given and every bit of Service Done unto me
No One has to Give Me Anything or Do Anything for Me
So Every Act and Resource bestowed unto Me is a Blessing and an Honor.
So I too must Honor and Bless in return.
This includes not betraying my host's Trust
Respecting them and their ways
And being on my Best Behavior so as to not disturb anyone's Peace nor Take too much of their Resources
They gave me my own room!
It used to be the Nurse's Office
Pretty tiny for that but plenty of room for me
It was fitting as I'm definitely still healing
I always Want to Give back
Somehow
So I got to work choppin' and haulin' wood!
They have picnics and parties and play music in their auditorium!
How awesome is this!?
No one was really using this space while I was here though
So I made an obstacle course and ran laps and did my push-ups and ab exercises on stage every night
This place is Awesome!
such fervor
much excitement
wow
Resting and making some friends.
Several of those days I didn't eat anything.
I didn't want to Take.
She was a Perfect Angel.
And if I was younger and not broken and crying every night about Her
I'd somehow or other of tried to share my Love with Her.
But She's a Sister not a Lover for me
She's for some other Brother.
But Life is Long.
And I understand that if I did follow the connection with that Sister—any Sister—the Love and Gifts that I carry for them will be lost to Her.
So She's either gotta be so Perfect and the emotions I suddenly find myself Feeling from her so Astronomically Amazing that I can only conclude that God has changed The Plan and moved our Hearts and I am being Given this Goddess to Love and to Care For
Or am so so low embroiled in depressive loneliness that I completely lose my all manner of discipline and can no longer decline advances nor put up walls/cast my defensive spells nor run away for some reason (literally)
Actually it'll probably have to be all these things at the same time.
so I was going to hop into that ride to continue on my way
But there was some sort of issue.
The dude had asked me to get him something and I ended up washing dishes instead
Which seemed to irk the man
So later when we were close to leaving he suddenly became very adamant that I'd be dropped off short of Cincinnati in Dayton
Or that maybe I could be dropped off on the outskirts of Cincinnati
But I certainly couldn't go to Cincinnati and whether they were going to Louisville afterwards or not was, "None of my business."
I think he intentionally played this card to get me out of the ride
Or at least out of possibly sharing their Hotel Room in Cincinnati
But I don't Know
Nor Care.
Well I pressed him to be honest
That I wanted to know if they were going to Louisville or not
And if he Just didn't Want me along in the ride or in the hotel he should Just speak that.
I was Just a traveler though, and he was friends with everyone else in the car for many years
So of course everyone took his side
Even though they weren't making any rational sense, at all, and I was embarrassed for them
Especially for the man who threaten me with violence for no reason.
I'm thankful Brother Jacob didn't disrespect Me as well
Though he didn't know what to do about the situation.
I was Thankful for the gifts these people bestowed upon Me
Thankful for more Time to Rest and Heal
Thankful for Love and Care
And I really Appreciated their really Cool space
But I didn't Need to be there
I didn't Need their Aid or their Ride.
I Never did.
Left some gifts and a letter for the Sisters and Brothers I had found there
And started walking down the road past the church I had Just attended the day prior with Jim and his wife and towards the sunset.
Hope and What We Are.
This one goes out to All the hollowed Women out there.
The Sisters that have fallen.
Girls that are broken.
The Ladies that have been hurt.
It probably wasn't your fault but even if it was—You Deserve Better.
You Deserve Love and You Deserve to Heal and You Deserve a Good Life and You Deserve Forgiveness and Mercy and Truth.
And I Hope The Lord Gives You All these things.
I really Do.
And I Wish I could Give You All these things too.
I really Do.
But for now All I can Give You are these Words.
That if You Want these things
If You Want All that You Deserve, and more
You have to Find it in Your own Heart.
You have to Find it in Your own Heart to Care.
Care about Your Self
Your Story
Your World
Care about these things enough to put in effort.
Give Care.
Exercise and eat healthy.
Avoid Poison and seek Wisdom and Strength.
Tend to Your Gardens.
Clean up Your messes.
Pay Your tithes.
You may Just find fulfillment there.
Or a Dream You'd forgotten about.
A splendid Vision You'd misplaced.
Oh Sister!
I Long for The Best for You.
So Profoundly does this Heart Wish for Yours to Be Free and Full of Love and Light.
To Experience this World and Your Life the way You were meant to.
Boundless.
Free of Shackles and Restraints.
Above Judgments and petty trifles.
All You have to Do...
Is Care.
One Day, Two Rides, and Several miles of walking later, I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
A light rain had begun, and I knew no where to go besides the bus station, where I'd been dropped off earlier but unfortunately already been cast as a vagrant and asked to leave. Trying to figure some plan, a Beautiful Gypsy Sister appeared before me. A Romanian Raven. I felt her dark energy immediately. She shared wisdom and I shared my ink. I offered to buy her and her friend food at the restaurant, so they could be fed and be out of the cold. When she learned I only had $25—that changed her Heart towards Me. She suggested rather, instead of that food, we pool our money for a hotel room—as her and her friend had no where to go. Neither did I, so I was open to the idea.
To Protect myself, and to genuinely Give to a Sister in Need, I Gave her one of the Peanut Butter packets I got at UConn and used that to start talking of You. I am weakened from Your rejection, so setting up Your Wall requires a certain finesse. A certain finesse I don't quite have the hang of yet. Hearing I was abandoned on Valentine's Day only seemed to get her more excited. She was also happy to be getting out of the cold.
The room came with a kitchen.
She wanted to cook for me.
Good Food.
Friends.
Love.
She then said she'd be right back—to go check on her friend.
I handed her every dollar I had,
"Here. You Just take it all."
After she stepped inside I quickly hoisted up all my gear and walked off into the Dark Drizzle.
She probably doesn't understand why I did that
But I Hope with the money and the Peanut Butter she at least knows I Care
She at least knows I wasn't Just wanting her body.
I pass by an Exotic Dancer place.
It Hurts Just to look at it.
A man who is heading there offers me two dollars,
"It's okay. Give it to the ladies. Few of them are up there because they want to be..."
He responds, "Or 'cause they Love cocaine!" and chuckles as he mocks a snorting sound.
It Hurts So Much.
A light rain had begun, and I knew no where to go besides the bus station, where I'd been dropped off earlier but unfortunately already been cast as a vagrant and asked to leave. Trying to figure some plan, a Beautiful Gypsy Sister appeared before me. A Romanian Raven. I felt her dark energy immediately. She shared wisdom and I shared my ink. I offered to buy her and her friend food at the restaurant, so they could be fed and be out of the cold. When she learned I only had $25—that changed her Heart towards Me. She suggested rather, instead of that food, we pool our money for a hotel room—as her and her friend had no where to go. Neither did I, so I was open to the idea.
To Protect myself, and to genuinely Give to a Sister in Need, I Gave her one of the Peanut Butter packets I got at UConn and used that to start talking of You. I am weakened from Your rejection, so setting up Your Wall requires a certain finesse. A certain finesse I don't quite have the hang of yet. Hearing I was abandoned on Valentine's Day only seemed to get her more excited. She was also happy to be getting out of the cold.
The room came with a kitchen.
She wanted to cook for me.
Good Food.
Friends.
Love.
She then said she'd be right back—to go check on her friend.
I handed her every dollar I had,
"Here. You Just take it all."
After she stepped inside I quickly hoisted up all my gear and walked off into the Dark Drizzle.
She probably doesn't understand why I did that
But I Hope with the money and the Peanut Butter she at least knows I Care
She at least knows I wasn't Just wanting her body.
I pass by an Exotic Dancer place.
It Hurts Just to look at it.
A man who is heading there offers me two dollars,
"It's okay. Give it to the ladies. Few of them are up there because they want to be..."
He responds, "Or 'cause they Love cocaine!" and chuckles as he mocks a snorting sound.
It Hurts So Much.
As I keep walking I say a prayer for the Sisters there
I pray they are Safe.
I pray they're healthy—though I guess that's up to them.
I pray they're Happy and I pray they have Dignity
though I guess those two things are often together.
I don't want to go inside and I have Hate for the Men that Do.
And Pity.
It is only for that Pity that I can forgive them.
It's only because of the Love Given to me in my Life I am not one of them.
I cross the wet road to find a trailer in a lot.
More rain is coming, so the underside of the trailer is perfect.
I climb a barrier, navigate the muddy tire-molded ground, and lay down my things underneath.
I double back to get a blanket and a piece of cardboard I found to help with the rocky ground. The wind is strong and cold and soon going to be blowing wet over me and all my stuff under the trailer. Luckily, I find a large flat ply of wood broken off from a sign. I drag it through the mud and erect a wall by leaning it to the truck, which totally saved me. I roll my sleeping bag out and promptly pass out, pondering my Needs and Actions and mostly Just disappointed that I can't find the Will to brush my teeth.
Years ago I experimented listening to some different Binaural Beats
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beat_(acoustics)#Binaural_beats
I couldn't tell You if that's all placebo or not
But ever since I have most definitely had an increased lucidity to my Dreams.
It's only because of the Love Given to me in my Life I am not one of them.
I cross the wet road to find a trailer in a lot.
More rain is coming, so the underside of the trailer is perfect.
I climb a barrier, navigate the muddy tire-molded ground, and lay down my things underneath.
I double back to get a blanket and a piece of cardboard I found to help with the rocky ground. The wind is strong and cold and soon going to be blowing wet over me and all my stuff under the trailer. Luckily, I find a large flat ply of wood broken off from a sign. I drag it through the mud and erect a wall by leaning it to the truck, which totally saved me. I roll my sleeping bag out and promptly pass out, pondering my Needs and Actions and mostly Just disappointed that I can't find the Will to brush my teeth.
Years ago I experimented listening to some different Binaural Beats
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beat_(acoustics)#Binaural_beats
I couldn't tell You if that's all placebo or not
But ever since I have most definitely had an increased lucidity to my Dreams.
I Dream of her.
Everything I'd of done with her—to her—how.
I wouldn't have let her sleep.
Such Vivid Dreams.
I know she had them too.
We existed together in that realm—even if she doesn't remember.
Soon, neither will I.
Save for this writing.
So I'm glad I didn't fall
The Dream is Enough.
Like a Cookie~it's not Good for Me but My Heart Needs it
Somehow—I Need it.
Then, I Dream of Her.
Then, I Dream of Her.
But I'll save those details for the pages of my Journal.
I stare out at the lot for a while
Not moving
Just replaying Everything through My Head.
Thinking again about my Choices.
Then sit up and Brush My Teeth.
~Paintings By Darkageon Youngblood
Check out more of Her work at
https://www.facebook.com/RefinedPrecision/
The sun has yet to rise so it's still pretty dim so I don't think he sees me
But I'm definitely trespassing so I definitely gotta go.
I don't move as the guy finishes moving all the tires
But once he drives off I quickly roll-up my sleep bag, fold my tarp, pick up my bags and head out into the drizzle, leaving the blanket, cardboard, and ply of wood where they are.
Maybe someone else'll Need 'em sometime.
I go back to the bus stop with the intention of buying some breakfast, but I've already been cast as a derelict so I get ran off right away and there isn't much I can say about it.
As I'm picking my things back up one of the workers is scrubbing the floor next to me
I thank him for his Work
Another worker comes by and gives him some commands rather rudely
I walk up next to him, look him in the eyes, and firmly say,
"Don't forget to say Please. And remember to Respect and Appreciate Tim for his Work."
He's startled and just nods.
With that I walk down the road to the entrance ramp heading South.
It was still raining, but that actually helped me get a ride, as the Brother that stopped for me said,
"I couldn't Just leave ya out there in the rain!"
Thanks Don!
He dropped me off at some truck stop somewhere in Indiana, but as we unloaded my things...
I dropped my gallon of water!
This isn't Just any water!
This is the Water for the Navajo!
This is the Water from my Well back at Home!
They live in the desert, y'know?
So I'm carrying Water from My Home across the Country
As a gesture of Peace and Gratitude.
But the reused milk jug it's in cracks and it starts spilling out!
Luckily we picked it right up, but now I'm stuck as I can't move without losing my water.
I head into the truck stop to figure something out, maybe find some empty containers, but none are to be found.
As I'm contemplating what to do by the back entrance, a woman who saw me with all my bags walks up to me and hands me twenty-seven dollars!
I try to offer her a nice scarf I just found on the side of the road earlier which for some reason nearly moves her to tears and she walks off.
She gets in a Red Mustang and drives off.
I use that money to buy a gallon of Arizona Green Tea
Then spend the next forty minutes offering Free Tea to people as the arrive at the station
A lot of travelers will go up to people at gas stations with an empty jug and ask for gasoline
It's called, "jugging"
So I think it's really funny that I'm approaching people with a full jug offering tea instead of asking for anything
Eventually I give out all the Tea, carefully move my Well Water to the new container, and have some lunch. I don't feel the need to wait around 'til I'm ran off so I load myself up and carry my stuff a half-mile away to the the West entrance ramp
I spend the next four hours or so doing jumping jacks, push-ups, and some slowed down martial arts until eventually a kind man pulls over to offers me a ride.
Thanks Jared (;
I share my story and we eventually talk about Jesus
We also talk about money a little
"I don't Need it."
He asks how much I have
"About thirteen in my pocket right now."
"Well how far do you think that's going to get you?"
A big smile on my face, 'cause I knew exactly what I'm gonna do with it now
"Not very far, haha..."
He suggests dropping me off at a church, which wouldn't be bad and was in fact probably the right thing to do, but I'd really like to find out where I am now, so I ask to go a couple blocks and maybe find a spot with wifi.
He drops me off at the first gas station we pass.
As I get out of his car, I leave the actually fifteen dollars in my pocket in the passenger seat.
Smooth af I know.
He gets out and hands me two oranges.
I express my gratitude.
I gather my things and am about to go hunt for wifi, but before Jared pulls away he calls me,
"Hey, don't forget this!"
And hands me the fifteen dollars back
"Ah! It must have fallen out of my pocket..."
"Yeah, you're gonna Need that."
And he drives off.
I walk around a bit unable to pick up any wifi
but I ascertain I am on the Eastern side of Indianapolis.
It doesn't seem like a very friendly neighborhood
Not that I'm worried, as anyone who passes me is given a smile and offered an orange.
But this is definitely not where I want to be stuck
And as much as I'd Love to Adventure in Indianapolis
I'm too overencumbered for that and I really really really do not want to get stuck in the city.
If that happens the gifts I'm carrying for the Navajo are likely to be lost to the streets.
So after thinking a bit I remember City Bus Systems and come up with a good plan.
I ask for directions and find my way to the nearest bus stop.
Glad I have a few bucks.
I guess Jared was right.
The plan was to hop on the City Bus and take it as far West as it'll go near another interstate entrance ramp.
I get to the bus stop and there's a Hannah and a Brother waiting for the bus.
After answering some of my questions about the bus I learn I can take the bus to the downtown terminal, then get a free transfer with a pass and go all the way to the airport on the Western side of the City.
Good Plan!
As the bus pulls up the brother offers to sell me his bus pass
"How much is it normally?"
"Four."
"How much do you want?"
"Three."
"*Shrug* Alright."
And I pull out the money, stop and think for about three seconds, and hand him all five of the ones.
He looks at it, perplexed, but doesn't say anything and hands me the bus pass.
I swipe the pass and it works and I start setting my things down.
The brother tried to walk behind me but the driver looks at him and says,
"Hey I Need Your fare."
He doubles back looks at me quickly once then back at the driver, then puts a single dollar into the machine
He starts muttering under his breath as he seems to be digging through his pockets
"Need another seventy-five cents..."
The driver says, waiting to close the bus door.
I happen to have three lucky quarters in my chest pocket
I like to save them to Give to people
I put my hand on his shoulder,
"Need seventy-five cents, Brother?"
and hand him the three lucky quarters.
"Th... Thanks."
"Aye, Brother"
and take my seat.
I Love beating Money.
I'm having a lovely conversation with Ms. Hannah about travel as the bus rides through Indianapolis when a man overhearing us looks directly into my eyes and says,
"We're getting buried in a few weeks."
Which startles me to my depths and for this reason and some other reason in my Mind I can't quite explain
I take this sudden premonition as God's Word that my Time is Nigh.
"Great."
I say resolutely, but also vapidly.
Like I Accept it but have to cut off my emotions to do so.
What it truly means I do not know, but it may be Nothing Short of Death.
And that's where I Am in all this.
My Heart is so Hurt
My Mind is so Confused
And whether it's Stubbornness or Perseverance I don't know
But I Am Quite Ready to Die if that's what it takes
Well, No.
Not Ready.
But Willing.
Then I realize the man said "married" not "buried."
I shake off the Gloom others may or may not have noticed and say as brightly as I can,
"Congratulations!"
"Hey, if You two have Love—if ya Care about each other—then ya made it!
That's The Dream right there, so if You Ask Me, ya made it!"
Dusk was setting in and a light rain falling from the sky as I arrive at the Indianapolis Airport Terminal.
As long as no one stops to think about how I probably can't take so many different bags onto the plane, I blend right in.
I huff over to the food court where I find a few folk sleeping on couches
Perfect.
I resist spending my only ten dollars on the overpriced food there, charge my phone, and join the other travelers on the couches.
Another Dream—this time of The Party.
The Party—y'know the one—the one we've always been searching for—Music and Fun and LOVE and No One gets Hurt.
If anyone cried it is for the Beauty and the Joy.
You weren't there, but She was, with lots of Friends.
They were all kinds of F'd up.
I was Sober. And Sad.
'Cause You weren't there. And wouldn't Want me if You were.
The Party flew by. It was what I'd always wanted.
Except I was Sad the whole time.
Towards the End I heard a voice.
"You're Not Going to Get Anywhere like that."
So I step out of my melancholic isolation and head to Her area.
I pass a Sister/Sister on the way who says,
"They're all wet and want to bang over there..."
"Great."
"Great."
Several ladies are on different drugs.
A puppy pees on a door frame and I offer to clean it up.
She is through the door but doesn't seem to want to see me.
I clean the urine, then notice a girl feeding chips to Sting Rays by dropping them into a pool below through a hole in the floor.
I go talk to her and she's apparently on something and claims she has psychic powers.
I ask her, "Show Me"
and she puts out foreheads together and after an intense energy exchange our heads are pushed away from each other.
I'm impressed, so I say,
"Do You wanna Dance?"
She smiles and stands and we find an open space.
There's some great music playing—and she Just starts RAGING
Which is awesome and I'm impressed again, but she's not following the music at all!
After a minute or so of that she's out of breathe, then loots at Me Dancing, and realizes I'm in Rhythm.
She comes closer and slows her movements down.
Her garment has shifted and I see one of her exposed breasts.
This triggers Want.
I suddenly Want her in my mouth.
Then, from somewhere, a voice from a man,
"Uh-oh, is He trippin'?"
And I'm taken away from my Dream
I wake a little groggy but definitely a better sleep than under that trailer the night before.
I meditate upon my Dream and start really thinking about What I Want—Separate of You
I open my eyes when it hits me and say aloud,
"I Want to Dance."
Though I Want to Get to The Pacific Coast, first.
I play my harmonica for a bit and get two dollars and at least six kids to smile before I'm ran off by security
I resist spending my only twelve dollars on the overpriced food there, load up my bags, and join the other travelers leaving the terminal.
I struggle through the airport parking lot and make it to the gas station just before the highway
I figure this is perfect as there'll be so many people leaving the airport heading a good distance.
I take a break, play my harmonica a bit, then pray
When a police officer comes upon me informing me I have to go.
I share a bit of my story
Heading to Arizona
Extra bags because of Gifts for the Navajo
Resuming my life-long Dream of riding a bicycle across the country
Writing a Book it's online for free here's the link lol
I figure this is perfect as there'll be so many people leaving the airport heading a good distance.
I take a break, play my harmonica a bit, then pray
When a police officer comes upon me informing me I have to go.
I share a bit of my story
Heading to Arizona
Extra bags because of Gifts for the Navajo
Resuming my life-long Dream of riding a bicycle across the country
Writing a Book it's online for free here's the link lol
No Big Deal.
So he gives me a ride to an entrance ramp heading West.
Aside from that one time in Mississippi with the clearly corrupted State Trooper
All my interactions with officers of the Law have been quite Positive.
I'm there for a few hours, working on bamboo, reading the bible, praying, or just smiling and waving
'til at last a Brother pulls over to help me out!
He brings me just a few miles to a rest stop,
which was really great because there was nothing at all at the entrance ramp and now I have water and shelter including a bathroom.
And a bench.
I sit with my things and just start saying hi and smiling as people walk by.
An Angel gives me an Oatmeal Creme Pie
I'm trying to avoid sugar and sweets in general and especially the ones filled with preservatives and concentrated syrups
But I grew up on these...
And an Angel just gave it to me!
So I enjoy that with some milk a Brother gave me and Just as I finish...
A Brother who I said "Hi!" and "Have a Nice Day (: " to before walks back and offers me a ride!
Upon learning I'm hungry Brother Josh brings me to a super market to help me with some supplies and get ingredients for dinner.
He offers to get me anything I Need
I don't Need much and I especially don't want to take advantage
So I get a container of peanuts and a banana
Josh insists upon a whole hand of banans instead of Just one
To which I cannot refuse.
We head back to his house and he shows off to me his unique cooking style
I Loved the idea of cooking the veggies two different ways then combining them all at the end!
And great Peanut Sauce!
We have dinner then share music and media and some fun stories
I eat about half the peanuts and a few banananas
Something suddenly comes up for Josh and he has to go and so do I
I hide the remaining peanuts in his bread bin and leave the rest of the yellow fruit where it goes and after saying farewell, begin walking down the street, West.
It was a rough walk.
It wasn't too cold and though it was dark the road I was on didn't have too much traffic
But my heavy bags kept cutting off my circulation which was terribly frustrating to me
I was rather exhausted and the fact that I Feel like a Complete Failure with every step really does not help
I put my music on but the songs that came up only reminded me that You're GONE
Hope is Seeing You again
No One Needs Me No One Wants Me Why Am I even Trying I'm Just Waiting around 'til God Kill Me I don't get that Good Life I'm Just gonna Die and my arm's circulation is cut off again wnaarrrrrggghhhh
I Need to Have Faith
She'll talk to me one day
She'll Give Me a chance
She'll keep Her promise
And You'll All Be Okay.
So the frustration and stress and fatigue got to me and I Gave Up and collapsed at a Graveyard after about 3 miles.
The whole past year, all I'd think was,
"She Needs Me."
And I'd be instantly Galvanized
Stopping wouldn't even be an option
But now the reality is different
She wouldn't even See You it's All a Delusion in Your Mind You're stuck in Indiana You failed at everything Your Goal is Just an imaginary carrot God is dangling to get You to Move and Do the Good Work that You Do
So I cried myself to sleep
Angry at myself for my weakness and for disappointing myself and God and probably You too.
This is how People Die.
Giving Up.
Not getting there in Time.
Failing the Mission.
In the morning I got my things together got my self together prayed cried screamed not in necessarily that order got my self together again and kept on walking.
After about a mile I passed by a yard sale
The people had kids and I smell and look completely insane so I wasn't really offended that they weren't too open to conversation with me
But I was pretty thankful that they had a nice bag for just three dollars that solved my straps cutting off my blood flow problems
I make it another few miles Just trying not to think about all my failings
After a few miles I take a break on some concrete barrier and I start dosing off when I'm woken by a Brother asking me if I Need any help
He offers me a ride to the next city—Terra Haute
He's late for his Yoga class
But it turns out his class is just a couple blocks from the library so he doesn't have to go out of his way one bit
It also turns out he's writing a book and about to publish it!
I of course share This with him before he runs off to stretch
Then load up my things and walk over to the library.
I give the delicious leftovers Josh gave me to a hungry and colorful looking man who then shares some of his woes with me before going off to watch a movie
Then I get to work on This.
After the library closes I decide to go explore the nearby University
Walking down the street a man driving by stops and lowers his windows
"Hey! You alright man!?"
"Oh yeah! I'm fine! I'm Just passin' through, hitch hikin' down to Arizona!""Oh Woah! That's Awesome! Where you from?"
"Connecticut!"
"Connecticut!? Dayum! You're far from home already! Well hey You Need anything? You Need some money?"
"Nah Brother, I'm okay. I got Everything I Need!"
"Okay! Awesome! Well keep it up!"
"We can hang out though or something if ya Want!"
But he was already driving away.
The Culmination of a Life Well Lived.
I ask a student where the best place to go to Just chill out is and I'm pointed to the fountain
I get there and exchange a couple smiles with anyone I catch glancing at me.
At this point, I'm not sure if I stand out or not nor am I sure what anyone really makes of me
But I have a Goal so I sit down take out a couple tools and get to Bambooin'
I finish two pipes, then go up to a hippie looking lady and announce myself
"Heya Sister! So hey uh, sorry to bother you... I'm a traveling artist, and I'm just looking for someone who'd want to trade me some food for my art!"
"Oh, uhm, well I don't really have any food..."
"You don't have a meal plan or somethin'?"
"Nooo, I'm sorry. I don't have anything."
"Ah, well, that's okay. Do You wanna see my art anyways?"
"Alright."
I hand her a pipe that I inscribed LOVE onto.
I colored it in with the colors from her dress.
She was... My type...
"It's a Bamboo smoking pipe! Ya put whatever you're smokin' in the end here and...
Light up!"
"Wooooah! Coooool! I wish I had some food to trade you for it..."
She says as she extends her arm to hand me the pipe back.
I look her in the eyes and say,
"It's already yours."
"What?" Her head jerks back, "Really!?"
"Yeah..." As I stand, "Enjoy smokin' outta bamboo!"
I go to a couple other groups of students around that probably heard me, but either no one has a meal plan or they don't smoke.
I head into the student center building to the meal hall.
Eventually, after five or so folk not being interested, two Sisters think it's cool enough to buy me a wrap.
In line I tell them my whole story
Well, as much of it as I can in the few minutes we have
Along with whatever Wisdom I hold that I figure might help them
And give them a link to This too, of course.
I go back to the fountain and announce my victory to the students, holding up my veggie wrap with cajun mayo like a trophy.
Sister congratulates me.
I really really enjoy that wrap.
For one, creating something, Art, and trading it for food, is just such a cool way to get food and eat
Secondly, the veggie wrap with cajun mayo is just what I used to get back in my college days at SCSU.
Those were such good times
I was a leader in my community
I had a Beautiful girlfriend
I was working towards my future and Just living such a Good Life
That cajun mayo on a tomato-basil tortilla wrap brings me right back
And I cry a little bit as I eat it
Watching the Sun Set over the fountain
From afar I see an officer loading them into a tactical golf cart
fffffffffff
So I sprint across the Quad veering right to cut him off as he starts to drive away
"Hey! Hey! Sorry. Sorry, that's my stuff!"
So after proving the things are mine and explaining who I am and why I'm there
We unload all the things out of the back of his cart
I noticed, when I said I was traveling, he muttered, "Cool..."
And the look on his face towards me really changed after that.
After he drove off, I reflected upon that
It really is Cool, what I'm doing.
I'm really really lucky
To be Who I Am
To be Doing what I'm Doing
To be able to Travel at all
But especially to be able to Travel like this
To be Free.
I loaded my bags all up onto myself again and left the campus.
It was Saturday Night so I definitely wanted to sleep by a church.
The colorful Brother I fed before pointed me towards the St. Francis church and gave me directions so that seemed like a good choice
He also said it was particularly Beautiful within, so that's always nice
Luckily some construction was apparently going on and there was this machine just to the side of the entrance
So I stuffed myself and my things back there and was pretty out of sight.
I woke to a steadily increasing rain
There were lots of holes for water to drip through in all the machinery but there was enough cover for me to keep my bags and my self mostly dry huddled underneath 'til folk arrived and opened the front doors
After the service a man handed me forty dollars
I tried not to accept, saying I don't need it and to pray for me instead, but he shoved it in my hand and walked off.
I said a prayer of thanks then headed down the street
The first Brother I saw I stopped to ask him if he Needed anything
He seemed surprised but Jumped on the opportunity for Free stuff
He wanted alcohol but I refused to waste the money like that.
We went into a CVS and he selected some chips and soda
The entire time I was lecturing him on Needs and Wants and Healthy Choices and My Journey and how I Do and Giving Back and Sharing
In the end, I leveled with him,
"I guess I could see how a man could Need a Snack.
Just remember, it's Healthy Food You Need.
Not Poison."
So while I didn't agree with his choice of food
It is energy...
And definitely worth the money if only for the Instruction and Example of Behavior for the man
I met a man outside named Jeff and after talking with him for a bit, made him a bamboo pipe as a gift for his son, then gave him one of the twenties, and instructed him to "only purchase what he Needs with it."
I worked some more on This at the library
Which closed early due to Sunday
Then decided I'd been in Terra Haute enough and after loading all my things upon my shoulders
Walked out of town.
And i-70 was another four miles after that
So once again the challenge of the seven mile overencumbered walk presented itself
I would not fail this time.
After that though she started following me!
As much as I'd Love a cute doggo companion I'm not about to dognap any lil' fellers
Though I was open to it if the dog needed rescuing
I asked a man sweeping outside if he knew who's dog it was but he did not
This started a conversation about me
During which the doggo trotted off somewhere
Also during which another Brother walked by and seeing me, stopped and invited me to a free meal given by the local church
I had not eaten anything that day at all so I figured this was what I should do and followed him and his daughter to the local school where a community gathering around a meal and mobile food pantry were underway
I met several people and shared my story
I love telling people about the Well Water for the Navajo.
That all went well and the man who had invited me then dropped me off just a half-mile or so from where he'd picked me up.
I continued walking forward, getting frustrated again, for mostly the same reasons as before
I kept going though.
There was even a park with a nice awning, but I couldn't stop this time.
I had to reach the Goal.
I was continuing forward when the local Sheriff pulled up
After hearing my Tale he said he'd be right back that he needed gasoline
So I said I'd keep walking straight down the road
I pushed and pushed
I could take a rest when the Sheriff returned
Push Push PUSH
DON'T TAKE A BREAK
DON'T BE WEAK
DON'T QUIT
KEEP GOING KEEP GOING KEEP GOING
I was almost to the highway
Almost the full seven miles
When the Sheriff pulled back up
I hopped into the back and he drove me a good distance to a rest stop
It was pretty windy and I heard a storm might be coming so I used my tarp and one of these brick picnic tables and my bags to block the wind and have shelter.
Luckily the rest stop caretakers were friendly and didn't have a problem with this.It helped (and amazed me!) that one of their grandmothers had actually lived in Lukachukai before!
Like, Woah!!
"Yes! I belong here! Rest Stop Mascot Cumberland Road"
This was actually one of the nicest rest stops I've ever been at.
In the morning I got a nice workout in before sitting at a bench by the entrance
I wasn't waiting long before a Brother named Marcus inquired about my bags and what I was up to.He was heading West on business and offered to bring me as far as he could.
We chatted about economy and work and peanut butter and God.
Marcus dropped me off at the St. Louis airport
He wanted to bring me further but I insisted this was the right spot
I gave him a nice scarf I had found on the side of the road as a Thank You and said Goodbye
Then loaded up my bags and headed into the Terminal
On the way inside I found a wounded Butterfly in the road, so I picked it up and carried it with me.
When I found a place to sit I checked my phone and saw Your Appreciation Post.
Firstly, I'm so glad I introduced You to Her.
As I looked at the photos of You two together, I thought—maybe that's it.
Maybe that's all I was meant to Do.
You're Happy.
I'm a fucking mess I'm Just gonna mess that up.
You've got a circle of friends.
You're supported and Loved.
Looking at Your "Happy Birthday" Cake— the thought arose, "Of course I want to be there."
It Hurts I'm not welcome.
I felt then like some sort of sad stalker—well that's exactly what I am.
I'm Sad
I'm Frustrated
I'm losing it
I'm unbalanced
unstable
I check the maps in the terminal and determined I needed to get to i-44
Which would take me to Oklahoma City
From there I could hitch onto i-40 which would take me all the way to Gallup, NM.
i-70 runs right by the airport
i-44 was a 10+ mile walk away.
There were some monks I engaged in Spiritual Battle
The Butterfly sitting atop my hand helped me win
Then loaded up my things and began the long uncomfortable trek.
The night prior I had wept listening to honto ni uso
As if Feelings that I actually Feel could somehow be Untrue.
About a mile out as I walked from the Terminal I was Screaming
Angry and Frustrated
I'm Hungry but every bite of Food is WEAKNESS and when I really lose it and eat a bunch of peanut butter it just sends me into a legitimate existential crisis.
I'm so confused.
Nothing makes sense.
I'm Alone.
And the Butterfly died as I was carrying it.
I laid it to rest among flowers and said a prayer.
My Heart is Dying.
But I'm Happy for You.
I really am.
I Want You to be Safe and Happy.
I Just—am having a hard time Caring about my Self.
I'm having a hard time hanging on to Who I Am.
After walking for about four hours
Had to stop to rest my arms every quarter-half mile or so
I found this park in the dark and decided to rest for the night
I Love that Sore Hurt
My arms felt in the morning
Pain of Growing Stronger
I made it to i-44, wrote "WEST" on some cardboard I found, and started dancing around as happily as I could at the entrance ramp. It can be pretty disheartening when car after car just drives past. Then I'd get a weird look or a sneer even and it'd really make me not feel like dancin' no more. So I'd just be smilin' and wavin' half the time. But then somebody would holler a "WOOOOO" at me out their window or a friendly, "beep-beep" with a big excited smile and head nod and I'd get right back to hoppin' around. The way I figure, whoever is open to stopping and giving me a ride is going to have about two seconds to make that decision as they see me, and whether they see a happy positive person or a negative degenerate depends on my expression within those two moments.
It would get pretty frustrating as well. I'm used to being on my bicycle. If I don't want to be somewhere, I just hop on and leave. As I like to say, "The Bicycle is My Wings." So carrying all this stuff around is like wearing a ball and chain, and being dependent on a ride, from someone else, is just a little frustrating. Especially when hours pass and no one is stopping. But when someone does stop, that's a pretty exciting moment.
Unfortunately, that moment didn't come that evening. I watched the sunset over the highway, then passed out for an unknown amount of minutes right on the side of the road. I woke up groggily and sauntered to the wal-mart across the street. I took out my bamboo and tools and made a few pipes sitting right outside the entrance. Now and then people would offer me a couple dollars, and I'd accept, 'cause I didn't have any, and I was hungry. If they were interested, they'd get a pipe. If they had time, I'd etch their name on it. A couple folk gave to me on their way in and had a custom bamboo pipe on their way out.
I was able to get about fifteen dollars before some manager told me I couldn't loiter there, so I put my stuff away, bought a container of spinach, mushrooms, a tomato, an avocado, and some black bean hummus, then found a picnic table and ate a bit more than half of everything. After eating, I recalled just by the entrance ramp was the, "Lutheran Ministries Headquarters." Even though it looked like an office building, it was technically a church, right? So I figured underneath one of their flower trees would be a good place to camp for the night. Then I could wake up at dawn and get right back to flyin' my sign.
I walked over with my things in the dark without any sort of problem. Aside from the occasional car driving by no one was around. I laid my things down under a lovely flower tree I had seen a goose playing with a swan under just hours before. The entrance ramp was just on the other side of a fence. I felt this was good. Staying on target. But then, through the dim lighting of near-off street lights, I looked back to see, waddling straight at me...
A SENTRY! Swans are a lot bigger up close...
"Hey, uh... I don't want any trouble man!"
The Sentry was undeterred. It was rather frightening, a huge bird stomping its way toward me, in the dark, wings outstretched. When I took the above photo, the flash seemed to bother it. I quickly turned my phone light on and began strobing the light to blind the bothered buzzard. It worked! The thing couldn't see and sort of ceased its menacing march. But then... My phone froze!
"Oh Shi~!"
The swan sort of shook its head, then resumed comin' straight for me.
It didn't move very fast though, so I Just walked away and hid behind a tree.
BUT IT FOLLOWED ME!
Clearly this bird was not going to let me sleep under the flower tree, so I had to leave. I circled around it and picked up my bags. It seemed a bit more rustled now and was moving a bit faster. I didn't have the time to load my bags upon myself as I would and had to just grab 'em and carry 'em quickly as my feathered friend was upon me. But I was far too unbalanced and overweight to run! So I sped walk as fast as I could away with the giant birb right on my tail. As I came to a small hill which exited the area, I noticed another swan, nestled in a dugout against the fence. Its nest and mate! Just then, the Sentry Swan charged! It started attacking me with fierce beak strikes. I blocked several with my bags, but one thrust got through and struck me in the thigh. It felt like a kick from Muay-Thai class! I stumbled down the hill and hobbled off, the swan flapping its wings triumphantly atop the hill.
I limped back across the street to the Lowe's storage sheds and fell asleep, hoping I could hide the fact that I just got my ass kicked by a swan.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yi9iCj15i4
I Want to Be Strong in My Vows.
I Want to Strive to Be the Best Me I can Be.
My Vow of Celibacy Feels Hollow.
But it's Still a Vow.
I'm Dreaming of others I Want others I don't Want to be Celibate!
I Want Love~I don't Want to Hurt/Use anyone!
I don't Want to Quit.
The Celibacy is a Challenge.
There's Meaning in our Choices!
The Meaning Feels diminished when I'm not being Honest.
I still Want You
more than anything
but I can't Have You and I don't Want to Sacrifice the Love of My Youth for Nothing
I don't Want to Lose You.
If New Love would cost Me our Story
it's not worth it.
I Want
in Good Loving ways
I'm in Pain Just Give me Peanut Butter
frustatrattion
angeery
asdognmadifugfin
I JustWant Need Sisters
WHERE DID MY SISTERS GO?
I'm Abandoned.
So what Does My Choice even Mean?
I Have to at least Reach The Coast.
I Have to at least Reach The Coast.
'Cause if I Die after that—Whatever.
I had to walk a little farther but I was back at the
entrance ramp with the sun rising just the same. A Sister was flying a
sign across the street. I walked over to say hi and gave her some
traveling tips, along with the remainder of my vegetables from dinner
the night before, and the dollars I had. It wasn't too long after that
that a big white truck pulled over and a man emerged.
"Hey! I'm goin' West!"
"Sir! Thank you so much for pulling over!"
The moment is always one of exuberance. Even more so the longer one waits.
I pile my things into the man's back seat and with a glance and a wave at the Sister across the street, hop in his truck.
In my way, especially when it comes to ways I cannot control, such as being picked up off the side of the road when flying a not descriptive enough sign, I figure whoever picks me up is the one who is meant to. So in any ride I've gotten, I apply my teaching mindset and try to figure out where the driver is and how I can help guide them. I don't know everything, but I've got some good stuff bouncin' around up here to share. Whether it's healthy living, including fighting addictions or modern day poisons to avoid, or personal anecdotes of struggle and perseverance, or just modeling good behavior; Sharing is Caring. Wherever people are, I have found quite often that time with me can potentially be educational and inspiring, and I take that Work seriously. As I should. I have the Power to change someone's life.
I
begin expressing my gratitude immediately, and have a bamboo piece
ready to give as a gesture of. Jae says, "Well I saw ya there, and I'm
goin' West, so figured I could help ya out a bit!" With that we begin
moving froward up the entrance ramp toward i-44
Then immediately turn right onto i-270 North, going back towards i-70, the way I had just walked for hours over the past two days. Jae then unveils the contents of a plastic bag, filled with small plastic bottles containing a lime flavored vodka. He grabs one and opens it,
"I'm a functioning alcoholic."
With the fact in mind that I'm here to help this man, a tired voice within speaks to myself,
"I guess I'm about to talk about my father..."
Which
I do, a bit, as we move North away from the interstate I Need to be on.
Around when this fact becomes known to Mr. Jae, his flustered regret
for moving me the wrong direction is interrupted, first by his vibrating
along the rumble strips, then by a phone call he takes with his free
hand. We're driving West on i-70 now as I overhear a friend of his
explain that his cat died and the commute to the work site Just isn't
worth it for him so he won't be coming in to work today.
"Awe man, you're really screwing me here! I needed you today! We gotta get these bricks laid down!"
Bricks. Masonry?
"Uhm, I'm learning masonry. And I'm a hard worker."
Jae glances at me with a raised brow before returning to chastising his employee.
When he gets off the phone, I'm ready with a photo of me and Roger, sitting in front of the wall I built.
I was pretty tired of hitch hiking.
It'd be different if I was just trying to travel and see places. I could have hung out in Indianapolis for a few days and found some fun, for example. But I'm on a mission. I have to get to Lukachukai! I have to get to the Coast! I Need to be on my Bicycle! I Need My LionHeart back! Plus, I'm carrying around all these precious gifts. The extra weight is good training, but limits my mobility further. So when an opportunity was given unto me to haul stone and mortar rather than dance around swinging my thumb, I was all about it.
They
wouldn't let me do the brick or stone laying, but just being on the
work site is educational. I can watch how these professionals do the
project. I can ask questions. I can take notes and study technique. I'm
given tasks and instruction. I can study my environment and I can see
how the work gets done. From the tools required to the method of set up
to the first brick layed to the last.
So it was awesome.
I learned SO much!
Thank You Mr. Jae.
Thank You Brother Joseph and Micheal and Thanks to your father and to Mark and to Ollie the Master Brick Layer!
"75% of brick laying is how you Spread your mortar."
~Ollie
Mr. Jae had me sleep in the garage of the work site
How's that for a commute?
But I was discovered by the owner on Saturday and asked to leave."Well, hey, I'm working here, with the Masonry team! It's not like I'm squatting or something!"
"It Just doesn't look right."
He offered me $20, which I refused, and instead quickly packed up my things and got to work taking down all the scaffolding he Needed taken down, by myself.
I showed him.
I learned a lot Just walking around studying
A House is a LOT of Work!
I'm trying to be Positive I'm trying to appreciate this Time I have FREE and with my solitude but I Want Love I Want a Partner I Love Love I miss it and my Youth ending it feels like the experiences I Need I'm afraid aren't going to happen.
I'm trying to be Hopeful but it Hurts
Honestly I can't stop thinking about any of You
What each of You meant to Me
What each of You did for Me.
I haven't forgotten any of the Ladies that have Graced My Heart with Real Actual Love
But there's no Despair or Pain or Sadness with four of them...
Things are pretty Perfect. Always looking forward to seeing You again.
I'm sorry I couldn't have given you more, but I'm thankful for what we Have together.
I guess we stopped talking but that's what you wanted anyways and my emotions are too occupied with all this anyways, but I'm sure we'll chat again someday.
I'm slowly moving toward You and greatly looking forward to our Visit and meeting!
The Fruit of Passion
grows from The Tree of Loneliness.
The Fruit of Hope
from The Tree of Despair.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nu2GuZ4nKX0
I reread To Dance With the Sun and Love Like a Mountain
http://ridelionheart.blogspot.com/2018/08/to-dance-with-sun-and-love-like-mountain.html
i-70 runs right by the airport
i-44 was a 10+ mile walk away.
There were some monks I engaged in Spiritual Battle
The Butterfly sitting atop my hand helped me win
Then loaded up my things and began the long uncomfortable trek.
The night prior I had wept listening to honto ni uso
As if Feelings that I actually Feel could somehow be Untrue.
About a mile out as I walked from the Terminal I was Screaming
Angry and Frustrated
I'm Hungry but every bite of Food is WEAKNESS and when I really lose it and eat a bunch of peanut butter it just sends me into a legitimate existential crisis.
I'm so confused.
Nothing makes sense.
I'm Alone.
And the Butterfly died as I was carrying it.
I laid it to rest among flowers and said a prayer.
My Heart is Dying.
But I'm Happy for You.
I really am.
I Want You to be Safe and Happy.
I Just—am having a hard time Caring about my Self.
I'm having a hard time hanging on to Who I Am.
Had to stop to rest my arms every quarter-half mile or so
I found this park in the dark and decided to rest for the night
I Love that Sore Hurt
My arms felt in the morning
Pain of Growing Stronger
It was a really nice neighborhood
Big Houses
So I wasn't surprised when an officer pulled up next to me with his sirens on
Luckily I'm the actually the opposite of a degenerate
(Despite my Appearance)
(Despite my Appearance)
So once the officer realized that he helped me along my way!
Thank You for Your Honorable Service Officer (:
Thank You for Your Honorable Service Officer (:
It would get pretty frustrating as well. I'm used to being on my bicycle. If I don't want to be somewhere, I just hop on and leave. As I like to say, "The Bicycle is My Wings." So carrying all this stuff around is like wearing a ball and chain, and being dependent on a ride, from someone else, is just a little frustrating. Especially when hours pass and no one is stopping. But when someone does stop, that's a pretty exciting moment.
Unfortunately, that moment didn't come that evening. I watched the sunset over the highway, then passed out for an unknown amount of minutes right on the side of the road. I woke up groggily and sauntered to the wal-mart across the street. I took out my bamboo and tools and made a few pipes sitting right outside the entrance. Now and then people would offer me a couple dollars, and I'd accept, 'cause I didn't have any, and I was hungry. If they were interested, they'd get a pipe. If they had time, I'd etch their name on it. A couple folk gave to me on their way in and had a custom bamboo pipe on their way out.
I was able to get about fifteen dollars before some manager told me I couldn't loiter there, so I put my stuff away, bought a container of spinach, mushrooms, a tomato, an avocado, and some black bean hummus, then found a picnic table and ate a bit more than half of everything. After eating, I recalled just by the entrance ramp was the, "Lutheran Ministries Headquarters." Even though it looked like an office building, it was technically a church, right? So I figured underneath one of their flower trees would be a good place to camp for the night. Then I could wake up at dawn and get right back to flyin' my sign.
I walked over with my things in the dark without any sort of problem. Aside from the occasional car driving by no one was around. I laid my things down under a lovely flower tree I had seen a goose playing with a swan under just hours before. The entrance ramp was just on the other side of a fence. I felt this was good. Staying on target. But then, through the dim lighting of near-off street lights, I looked back to see, waddling straight at me...
A SENTRY! Swans are a lot bigger up close...
"Hey, uh... I don't want any trouble man!"
The Sentry was undeterred. It was rather frightening, a huge bird stomping its way toward me, in the dark, wings outstretched. When I took the above photo, the flash seemed to bother it. I quickly turned my phone light on and began strobing the light to blind the bothered buzzard. It worked! The thing couldn't see and sort of ceased its menacing march. But then... My phone froze!
"Oh Shi~!"
The swan sort of shook its head, then resumed comin' straight for me.
It didn't move very fast though, so I Just walked away and hid behind a tree.
BUT IT FOLLOWED ME!
Clearly this bird was not going to let me sleep under the flower tree, so I had to leave. I circled around it and picked up my bags. It seemed a bit more rustled now and was moving a bit faster. I didn't have the time to load my bags upon myself as I would and had to just grab 'em and carry 'em quickly as my feathered friend was upon me. But I was far too unbalanced and overweight to run! So I sped walk as fast as I could away with the giant birb right on my tail. As I came to a small hill which exited the area, I noticed another swan, nestled in a dugout against the fence. Its nest and mate! Just then, the Sentry Swan charged! It started attacking me with fierce beak strikes. I blocked several with my bags, but one thrust got through and struck me in the thigh. It felt like a kick from Muay-Thai class! I stumbled down the hill and hobbled off, the swan flapping its wings triumphantly atop the hill.
I limped back across the street to the Lowe's storage sheds and fell asleep, hoping I could hide the fact that I just got my ass kicked by a swan.
I Want to Be Strong in My Vows.
I Want to Strive to Be the Best Me I can Be.
My Vow of Celibacy Feels Hollow.
But it's Still a Vow.
I'm Dreaming of others I Want others I don't Want to be Celibate!
I Want Love~I don't Want to Hurt/Use anyone!
I don't Want to Quit.
The Celibacy is a Challenge.
There's Meaning in our Choices!
The Meaning Feels diminished when I'm not being Honest.
I still Want You
more than anything
but I can't Have You and I don't Want to Sacrifice the Love of My Youth for Nothing
I don't Want to Lose You.
If New Love would cost Me our Story
it's not worth it.
I Want
in Good Loving ways
I'm in Pain Just Give me Peanut Butter
frustatrattion
angeery
asdognmadifugfin
I Just
WHERE DID MY SISTERS GO?
I'm Abandoned.
So what Does My Choice even Mean?
I Have to at least Reach The Coast.
I Have to at least Reach The Coast.
'Cause if I Die after that—Whatever.
"Hey! I'm goin' West!"
"Sir! Thank you so much for pulling over!"
The moment is always one of exuberance. Even more so the longer one waits.
I pile my things into the man's back seat and with a glance and a wave at the Sister across the street, hop in his truck.
In my way, especially when it comes to ways I cannot control, such as being picked up off the side of the road when flying a not descriptive enough sign, I figure whoever picks me up is the one who is meant to. So in any ride I've gotten, I apply my teaching mindset and try to figure out where the driver is and how I can help guide them. I don't know everything, but I've got some good stuff bouncin' around up here to share. Whether it's healthy living, including fighting addictions or modern day poisons to avoid, or personal anecdotes of struggle and perseverance, or just modeling good behavior; Sharing is Caring. Wherever people are, I have found quite often that time with me can potentially be educational and inspiring, and I take that Work seriously. As I should. I have the Power to change someone's life.
Then immediately turn right onto i-270 North, going back towards i-70, the way I had just walked for hours over the past two days. Jae then unveils the contents of a plastic bag, filled with small plastic bottles containing a lime flavored vodka. He grabs one and opens it,
"I'm a functioning alcoholic."
With the fact in mind that I'm here to help this man, a tired voice within speaks to myself,
"I guess I'm about to talk about my father..."
"Awe man, you're really screwing me here! I needed you today! We gotta get these bricks laid down!"
Bricks. Masonry?
"Uhm, I'm learning masonry. And I'm a hard worker."
When he gets off the phone, I'm ready with a photo of me and Roger, sitting in front of the wall I built.
I was pretty tired of hitch hiking.
It'd be different if I was just trying to travel and see places. I could have hung out in Indianapolis for a few days and found some fun, for example. But I'm on a mission. I have to get to Lukachukai! I have to get to the Coast! I Need to be on my Bicycle! I Need My LionHeart back! Plus, I'm carrying around all these precious gifts. The extra weight is good training, but limits my mobility further. So when an opportunity was given unto me to haul stone and mortar rather than dance around swinging my thumb, I was all about it.
So it was awesome.
I learned SO much!
Thank You Mr. Jae.
Thank You Brother Joseph and Micheal and Thanks to your father and to Mark and to Ollie the Master Brick Layer!
~Ollie
How's that for a commute?
But I was discovered by the owner on Saturday and asked to leave."Well, hey, I'm working here, with the Masonry team! It's not like I'm squatting or something!"
"It Just doesn't look right."
He offered me $20, which I refused, and instead quickly packed up my things and got to work taking down all the scaffolding he Needed taken down, by myself.
I showed him.
A House is a LOT of Work!
I'm trying to be Hopeful but it Hurts
Honestly I can't stop thinking about any of You
What each of You meant to Me
What each of You did for Me.
I haven't forgotten any of the Ladies that have Graced My Heart with Real Actual Love
But there's no Despair or Pain or Sadness with four of them...
Things are pretty Perfect. Always looking forward to seeing You again.
I'm sorry I couldn't have given you more, but I'm thankful for what we Have together.
I guess we stopped talking but that's what you wanted anyways and my emotions are too occupied with all this anyways, but I'm sure we'll chat again someday.
I'm slowly moving toward You and greatly looking forward to our Visit and meeting!
grows from The Tree of Loneliness.
The Fruit of Hope
from The Tree of Despair.
http://ridelionheart.blogspot.com/2018/08/to-dance-with-sun-and-love-like-mountain.html
Wow.
Look what I Did.
I did that.
I climbed those Mountains.
I wrote those words.
And I meant them.
Tears poured from my eyes in the Library as I relived that Epic Moment in those Mountains
I Want You to See this!
I Have to Go So Far for My Love
I don't Want to renege on my Vow
All I can think about is how Unwanted I Am
I learned how to carry this Energy
I don't know how to Give it to You anymore
I don't want to waste it for some meaningless night of Pleasure and Passion
I Want to lay with a Woman so soooo much
IF I AM FREE I WANT TO WAIT
ALL THIS PENT UP SEXUAL ENERGY INCREASES INVASIVE THOUGHTS and the Fear of not only Waiting in Vain—not only getting my Hopes Up and being Hurt AGAIN—but Losing my chance to Live The Dreams My Soul Needs keeps triggering Depression.
I Love My Story.
I Love My Life.
I Love My Self.
It Feels like My Heart is Dying.
I Love This Pain.
I LOVE This Pain.
I turn around and...
Oh!!!!
So a good strategy is to hang the bag over and edge and cut an incision
Like so
"Hey! A dollar! It's my lucky day!"
Some young kid exclaimed as he walked by with his family.
Yesssss. I was hoping a kid would get it!
Sister came back out and gave me a sandwich and some strawberries.
That I accepted.
I hadn't been paid in several days and didn't actually have any food or money.
I could have kept this up for a while, actually. I Love the hard work. Aside from sunscreen, tofu and salsa, and those delicious flavored almonds I can't say no to, I had no costs, so it was like 90% gain. But, I'm on a mission. Part of that mission includes learning how to build, for the future. Thus, Masonry. But after learning what I could from Ollie and Joseph and the work sites, it was time to go...
Here we were applying these pre-melded stones to the area around a fireplace
Better for applying vertically and holding stuff in place with
This project seemed more for ascetics
And I suppose the stone protects the wall from damage as well
But it's definitely more about making things look nice.
I'm a Function over Form kind of guy.
Well, I guess Aesthetics are pretty important in like a Feng-Shui kind of way
(As in, the subconscious response we have in an environment depending on the appearance and how that effects our State of Being).
So yeah things should appear pleasant
But all I'm trying to say is
I want to learn Masonry to Build functioning Shelters
Not make things pretty.
So my attention focuses on where there are inequities
Where I Need to Help or Heal or Repair or Aid or Guide.
The Question I Ask is
Who Needs Me?
I Guess She Doesn't
But I Believed She Did.
Maybe She Does more than She thinks
One Day She Probably Will
One Day they All Might
I...
Where I Need to Help or Heal or Repair or Aid or Guide.
The Question I Ask is
Who Needs Me?
I Guess She Doesn't
But I Believed She Did.
Maybe She Does more than She thinks
One Day She Probably Will
One Day they All Might
I...
I don't Know Anything.
Like it's All Just Me Overreacting —maybe I don't know
If what We Have isn't Real and Sacred
then What Is?
Mr Sacred Self.
My Choices.
I don't want to have any sort of cycling ranking system or something dumb like that.
I Would Dive into a Black Hole to Save Any One of You
Like it's All Just Me Overreacting —maybe I don't know
If what We Have isn't Real and Sacred
then What Is?
Mr Sacred Self.
My Choices.
I don't want to have any sort of cycling ranking system or something dumb like that.
I Would Dive into a Black Hole to Save Any One of You
The Relationships that I Hold in My Life as Sacred—Romantic.
Where Do We Apply our Faith and our Action?
Faith The Lord will Protect My Child as I Save My Wife?
or
Faith The Lord will Save My Wife as I Protect My Child?
I Want to Be There for whomever Needs Me.
It doesn't matter no one's here for Me.
That's My fault.
Then I hear a line from a song I Love echo in my head,
"Is this really what You Want?
Or are You Just stickin' with it 'cause it's all ya got?"
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
And I'm Me.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
You are You.
And I'm Me.
Thankfully I don't fill my lungs with burning plant matter
Aside from the occasional bit of Ganja
Otherwise I would not be able to Do What I Do.
The walking/riding around with lots of heavy stuff
I guess I'd still be able to Art.
The walking/riding around with lots of heavy stuff
I guess I'd still be able to Art.
~By Bryan Haynes
~By John Whytock
~By Archie St Clair
~By David Haley
~By John Dyess
~By David Coblitz
~By Steve J. Morris
~By Julie Wiegand
~By William Fields
~By Theresa Emmett Allison
~By Russel Vanecek
~By Marie Donato
~By Jim Hubbman
~By Lisa Ober
And Thank You Mataji Lisa for this amazing piece
(I Love Cholula)
And for allowing me into your art gallery to peruse and take photos and for our wonderful talk!
~Unknown Artist
This one didn't make it into the Art Gallery
But it's Just as fantastic a piece as any of them
Wouldn't You Agree?
After enjoying the Gallery I finally hopped on the train to Gallup and escaped Missouri
In search of a restroom
I noticed a nice bag in a trash can
Perplexed, as I often am when I see perfectly good and useful things being discarded, I grabbed the bag
A nearby Security Guard was watching,
"Sir, You can't do that."
"Hmm?"
"Station Policy, that is property of the Station, therefore you are stealing."
"But it's being thrown away."
"Doesn't matter. Station Policy sir."
"So... You want me to put it back?"
"Yes sir. And I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"I'm waiting for my train layover. I was just looking for the restroom.
May I use the restroom."
"...It's that way sir."
"Thanks."
I look at the perfectly good bag,
"Well I won't Destroy something that's good. Here you can do it."
And I place the bag on the side of the trash bin and walk away
As I step outside the restroom, there are 3 other security guards awaiting me.
"Sir, you have violated station policy. You must leave the station."
"I haven't done anything. I have a ticket and am awaiting my train."
"I need to see your ticket."
"This is harassment and completely unnecessary."
"I'm just doin' my job sir."
I bring the ticket up on my phone and the public servant inspects it
"Please return to the Amtrak waiting area and don't leave it again sir."
"Yeah, I will.
Thanks for your service..."
Outwardly—Calm. I was Just sitting
Inwardly—Chaos. Thrashing and screaming and flailing and banging my head.
I want to yell at You and Just Scream
WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME SAVE YOU
Brother Ashton on the train was telling a Story of being randomly picked up from the side of the road by a "hippie chick"
They then went off to have adventures and go to parties and make lots of Love.
I wasn't Jealous—but I wanted something like that so terribly wonderfully
My Heart Hurt listening
And I Cherish this Pain
I don't Want to lose this Pain
I Need to Hold Someone
But I Want You
I Want You to Stop Ignoring Me it hurts SO BAD
I don't Want to have to hide alone in the darkness
You're Who I Desire
Why'd You Do this to Me?
I Want You to genuinely Want Me.
How Do I get You to look at Me, again?
Taken all together, the most painful, difficult, trying experience of my life.
But it has also been the Truest, most Beautiful and Rewarding experience as well.
The Journey has changed me by my core.
It has defined me.
No longer am I Just Justin.
and Micheal and Tom and Tim and Ben and Jerry and Paul and Mark and Joseph.
I'm Luffy I'm Lu Bu I'm Ashitaka I'm Asta
I'm Goku I'm Lyle I'm Kamina I'm Link
I'm Aragorn I'm Quote I'm Spike I'm Gene StarWind
I'm Sonic the Hedgehog!!!
I'm an Adventurer and a Rebel.
I'm a Leader and a Warrior.
I'm a Poet and a Cowboy.
I'm a Ranger and a King.
I'm a Lion and a doggo
and a Wolf and a Cardinal
and a Phoenix and an Owl
and a Turtle and a Demon
and an Angel.
I'm Everything that I've Ever Wanted to Be.
Behold!
My New Recipe!
50% Cacao Powder 25% Maca Powder 25% Chia Seeds (And a dash of Turmeric)
Whole Almonds on Top
I call it...
CocoaMacaChia!!!
Honey would be a good addition too.
It's one or my favorite mixtures so far.
Definitely gonna be on the menu!
Thanks to Everyone on the Train that I met and chatter with!
Thanks to folk that Gave to me
Thanks to folk that Gave to me
And Thanks to folk that I Gave to.
We can come together through that exchange
And with those walls lowered
We can interact and Give more!
Share Wisdom and Stories!
Help each Carry our Weight!
Trade and Prosper!
No, Give.
Mutual Giving.
You Give to Me
And I Wish to Give Back to You in Return.
What Do You Need, Brother?
I'm at Your Service, Sister.
I'm at Your Service, Sister.
I did have another contact in that town. Another Sister that'd sort of hit on me via facebook before. So I didn't want to contact her... So when Sister that picked me up said,
"Oh hey! "T"! You know her! She's at this show. I'll drop you off over there!"
I was less than excited.
She parked across the street from the show. It was 4/20, and this appeared to me to be the event of the evening for the area. There was even a lady within that had expressed interest in me.
Want.
A Me in the past would have been excited.
A Me in the past would have Wanted to be exactly there.
A Me in the past would have Wanted too.
But that's not Me anymore.
At least, that's not where I Am right now.
"Just... Take me to the church Sister. Please. Just take me to the church."
So I slept on the doorstep on the East Aztec Baptist Church, praying myself to sleep.
I did not regret avoiding "T" one bit.
In the morning I rolled up my sleeping bag and did a couple exercises.
No one had arrived yet, and there was another church up the hill. I wondered if I aught to go there to attend Service. A happy lady walked past,
"Good Morning ma'am, Happy Easter! How d'ya do?"
"Happy Easter (: I'm Just fine."
"Pardon me ma'am. Do you if this church here holds an Easter Service?"
"It's right on the sign ):< !"
She said pretty curtly as she walked past me and up the hill towards the other church.
Well, that tells me which church to go to.
I took sparsely of the fruit offered to me.
I shared my story a bit, focusing on the inspiring parts, but didn't want to get too into it.
I didn't want to freak out the baptists.
Service was lovely though and it was really nice being able to see such a wonderful community of people coming together. That's one of my favorite things about traveling from church to church, meeting different folk and seeing Beautiful Happy Communities of people.
Real People.
And that's the positive side of Religion.
A shared way that people can come together around.
I was given three bags upon leaving.
Fruit and pastries.
I expressed gratitude and I accepted them with only my blessings to return.
Sister's friends from the other night were actually Just across the street.
I walked over and knocked on the door.
"Happy Easter Sister! That church there across the street gave me this food. I Just came by to share. Say, d'ya want me to put this garbage away for you? The Wind is blowing it everywhere."
She nodded and said, "Yes" as she grabbed the two bags of food I was handing her and closed the door without another word.
"Hey, you can hang out here, but ya can't sleep, 'cause it makes the place look bad and attracts others that make a mess."
"Oh, okay. Sorry."
People are so weird about sleeping.
But whatever, if that's the way they feel.
I went inside and bought a bag of coffee beans to add to the gift bag for the Navajo, and two small containers of Peanut Butter.
My Medicine, Just in case I'd Need it.
With the coffee bag now on the table I figured it'd be fine if I slept. Now I was a customer, and everyone could clearly see that, as here is the store's wares upon my table. I laid my head down, but suddenly felt unsettled. If I'm not wanted somewhere then I can kind of Feel that. So I picked up my stuff, left one of the containers of peanut butter on the table, and decided to go check out the health food store.
On the way there I crossed paths with some folk sifting threw the garbage.
Looked like fun.
"Pardon me folks. Are you hungry?"
"...Yeah."
"Well hey I got some extra food with me I'd be happy to share!"
And I gave them all the food I had to give, which did not include the food I'd carried from Connecticut for the Navajo family, but did include the peanut butter I'd just purchased.
"Jesus said, 'Give Freely, Receive Freely. Happy Easter!"
And then arrived at the health food store, which I was happy to find, also had a table and chair outside.
I went inside and chatted with Micheal and Raven, two Brothers that helped me out a lot when I was struggling on these streets just months ago. Now, I only had to get through one night, and my pocket was filled with cash from my hard work (not to mention my thermal sleeping bag) so I was no longer in the same position of need. I wasn't feeling very positive though, and I really really Needed or Wanted some peanut butter, and being in a health food store surrounded by healthy delicious foods was not conducive to a fast. So after chatting a bit I did some shopping. The natural Peanut Butter there wasn't too expensive, and I got an Apple and a hand of Banan. I also got a bag of greens and some bread that was on sale, and to my delight, Ezekiel cereal was only $3.50! I've never seen it for less than $7! So I bought a box.
"Happy Easter! Y'all Need anything?"
"Uhh, yeah. We're hungry."
"Well hey! I Just got this food! Have whatever you Need!"
"... Are You Serious?"
The man repeated that three more times as I assured him I was and gave him and his partner all the food I'd just bought.
They left me with Just the jar or Peanut Butter, and an Apple.
Perfect.
I had my CocoaMacaChia mixture prepared to the side and mixed that in first.
I enjoyed that Peanut Butter Apple immensely.
There was a voice inside me berating me for my weakness. Chastising me for not sticking to my goal of eating nothing for the day.
In honor of Jesus even.
Weak.
WEAK.
WEAK.
But another voice told me to be gentle with myself.
Another voice told me to forgive myself.
Another voice told me I did Need this.
It's my Medicine.
I Need it.
And I cried while I ate.
The rest of the day consisted of more of the same.
"I think the lesson here is, you need to learn when to say 'No.'"
"No. The lesson is, I Need to buy more banans!"
Just after I said that, another couple walked past. I asked if they Needed anything and offered the food. The Sister was so touched she began crying and hugged me. The man who thought I should say 'No' walked away during that.
It was at that point I got a little frustrated. Mr. Jae had honestly underpaid me. I asked to be paid, "whatever you think my work is worth" and definitely received less that $10 an hour, which is an insult to me. I recall lugging buckets of water in the sun, cleaning the mess the others made, breaking down scaffolding by myself, as others either just went home or sat in the shade smoking.
But it was fine.
I don't sweat the $.
I Just let it go.
Friendship with Jae is more important
But I was frustrated because I wanted to give that couple more, but I couldn't.
I could only give them about $30, for necessary feminine products and for improvements to their camp site. I recommended a tarp or two. I couldn't give them any more because I was already short of the money that I had wanted to give to the Navajo family.
The fact I worked hard for this money and was giving it all away didn't really matter
Though I would Love to upgrade my camera to a GoPro and be able to take actual photos
And I don't Need that to be Given to me I Want to Work and Earn it
And I had, but also had to Give to these folk in Need, and had been underpaid, and couldn't Give enough.
So, I was frustrated.
Maybe Jae could take a few bucks out of his functioning alcoholic fund to be honorable and fair?
Maybe Jae should see the damage his addiction is causing
Or could cause, driving around a huge Truck with Smirnoff in one hand and his phone in the other.
Sometimes, it makes a lot of sense.
I'm doing my technique training
(Figured out an awesome new step with my footwork!)
when the bus arrives.
I was hoping to go into the music store here and repair/replace my violin bow and get another cheap harmonica or two. They had Hohners here for less than ten dollars! Woah! They're normally like fifty or more! I had gotten another key in a cool red case on my way through before, but connected with a kid on the train ride home and upon learning her late father played the harmonica, gave it right to her, along with a beginner lesson.
The words of my brother Alex still ring through my head,
"Best thing You coulda done with it."
I really don't want to give away my Goddess though.
If I don't have a violin, how am I supposed to learn how to play!?
I want to keep practicing! I want to be able to really play that thing!
More frustration \:
The bus took me out of Gallup and to Window Rock. I was now officially in the Navajo Nation. I had to wait by a supermarket for a few hours for the next bus that would take me to Dine College. There were some stray dogs outside, so I went in and bought them a big bag of dog food and tore it open and laid it near them. They ate a bunch before laying down in the shade. Then some old ladies a couple hours later picked up the bag and put it in their trunk.
Happy to Help.
An old man walked by and said how he's about to walk a dozen miles to the next town, hopefully he'd get a ride though. There's actually a lot of hitch hiking going on throughout the Navajo Nation. Which makes sense to me. They're all like a family, right? I asked the old man if he needed anything, and he said, "Nope, got everything I need" as he walked off. As he did, a guy younger than me with some friends was walking by and he turned,
"Oh! I need something! I need a few bucks!"
"What do You Need money for, Brother?"
"I'm hungry."
"Well I'm always happy to help someone in Need. I'll buy you whatever you want, so long as it's healthy."
So Bryan and I entered the store together. No, no cigarettes. No, no soda. It's not healthy. No, no candy bar. Sure, I'll buy you a sandwich. No I haven't tried this drink. I can't right now I don't have any money to buy food for myself. Actually, I'm on my way to a family in Lukachukai. I was going to give them every dollar I had. So don't thank me, this is their money, not mine.
I purchased the foot-long sandwich and handed it to him.
"Just remember to Share"
And walked back to my things.
The old man didn't Need anything.
Shame, Bryan.
Shame.
I played my harmonica a bit and accepted a few bucks. It was going to the Navajo family and I was short, after all. The bus came and I passed out and drooled all over myself while starring at the gorgeous mesas.
The Navajo Nation is Beautiful.
Harsh, but Beautiful.
I knew which way I had to go as I could see the Black Pinnacle Peak of Lukachukai I had climbed from Dine College. It turned out to be about a nine mile walk. Last time, I had caved in. The emotional stress had gotten to me and I just collapsed in a mess of tears and frustration.
Not this time.
This time, I'd keep walking, no matter what.
A Brother saw me resting and pulled over to offer aid.
He was bringing his lady to class.
"It's okay Brother, I have to walk this walk.
I might Join the Navy in the future.
I Need the training!"
"Are you sure?"
"You bring your lady where she Needs to go.
That's what You should do."
"Well, alright..."
"But hey, before You go...
Could You take a photo of me?"
A couple miles later, a Brother named Xavier pulled over.
Xavier is the name I'd like to Give my Son (that or Rudy) if ever I am blessed with one.
That is also why I wear that Brass X Ring on my Right Hand.
The Sun Ring.
(If I am Blessed with a Daughter I'll rename it The Moon Ring).
So I took this as a good sign and figured this was some help I should accept.
He just had another two miles up the road to go anyways
So I took a rest in the back of his truck.
I meant to tell Brother Xavier about the upcoming Eclipse when he dropped me off and that he Absolutely has to be there No Matter What, but I forgot to.
Whoops.
Well, hopefully, he'll Read This.
I kept walking as the sun began to sink behind the hills.
A man apparently didn't see me and almost hit me
He pulled over abruptly and asked if I Needed any help
I assured him I was fine
And kept walking
Another truck with a family in it pulled over and offered to bring me to the Lukachukai store,
"Actually, I'm going to {so-and-so's} house."
"Oh yeah, we know them. We'll bring you right there!"
I figured showing up in the middle of the Night would not be polite
And walking at Night here is pretty dangerous
And perhaps, I had walked far enough.
I gave a bag of chips to the fam in the truck as a thank you and they drove off.
Brother was arriving too with lots of elk horns he'd found
He and the man of the house were occupied with that.
So I stood there for a few minutes, just holding all the stuff, being ignored.
The elder grandmother shoo'd me away
I don't think she likes white skin folk.
That made me pretty sad.
I felt kind of unwelcome.
Eventually Brother Revus came over and greeted me
I was really excited to give him the art piece, but it was already dark
So I hyped it up a bit and promised to present it to him tomorrow.
He called Brother Elisha over and we went to the trailer.
We pulled out my bags and then, at last
LionHeart!
We put the bags away again in Revus' hogan and I was directed to sleep on the trampoline.
It was actually very comfortable.
But it was a cold and windy night, so I asked for an extra blanket.
I also inquired about their doggo who was tied up outside with not much of a dog house
"Oh, he's used to it. He's gotten through worse."
That didn't make me feel any better...
I slept for maybe an hour or two on the trampoline.
It was actually pretty comfortable.
But I couldn't stop thinking about doggo
I'm sure he was tired of being Chained Alone to a Tree in the Cold
In an emotional way, I could imagine how he felt...
I was worried at first that I'd be too cold to sleep without the blanket
And I really Needed my rest
But I couldn't stop thinking how I'm all snuggled here and he's alone all the time without any blankets on such a cold night
So I got up and put the extra blanket on top of him and gave him lots of pets and cuddled with him a while before returning to my sleeping bag on the trampoline
It's not that I expected anything more
Just that, I was so excited
and looking forward to seeing them all again
and I had all these special gifts.
Pieces of My Self
that I'd selected from my stash of things at my folks' house
And then carried across the country.
So when I didn't feel very welcomed
And not offered any food nor water nor shelter
I was sad.
But they all have Nothing but Gratitude from Me.
They held My Dream.
The Protected it.
They Returned it to Me.
Thanks to them and their Kindness and Generosity and Hospitality I was able to Do what I had to Do on foot and retrieve my Steed after and continue My Journey.
So they'll always have My Gratitude.
I had wanted to return here with You
In a Van!
They had all heard all about You
And My Motorcycle Plan.
The plan was to have an amazing adventure with You as we crossed the country in a Van, Together.
We'd go through Texas and Colorado and visit all the places I've seen and maybe some new ones too.
Tres Leches Bakery in Brownwood and Teresa and her family in DalHeart and Do and the folk of Turkey Texas and Peer 613 in La Junta and John and Sharron at the Pine Lodge Inn and Bishop's Castle and The Wolf Village and Micheal and Lady Saba and Ben and their Beautiful Families at Atzlan Village and Crestone and the DreamWeaver Sanctuary and the many many folk there I made friends with too many to list now
We'd visit them all
It'd be The Best Time of Our Lives
There's a path of folk from Austin through the Rockies into Arizona that would all Love to meet You and help us along our way or maybe even have us as guests
I Made that Path for Us
I Made that for You on Purpose
We'd pick up a nice bicycle for You along the way somewhere
Then when we got here, Give the Van and all the extra supplies within to the Family
Then ride off together!
I Dreamed of this
I lost count how many Nights I Dreamed of this.
The Navajo Nation (High Desert Biome) would have been a difficult first level for You
But I'd carry all the weight, and I believe You can handle it.
Then we'd visit all my friends in SnowFlake
(Who have also heard all about You)
And we'd recharge and prepare ourselves and Learn a bunch and have lots of Fun too
Then ride West, together
Taking it easy and slow.
It's a Challenge for sure
But I know You can handle it
And I'd be supporting You and Protecting You 100% of course
So aside from riding a bicycle a lot You'd really have nothing to worry about!
We'd Adventure, Together!
Explore Arizona and California, Together.
We'd get to the Coast, Together.
I Wanted to Give You that Moment.
That Life Defining Moment which now is literally All that is Keeping Me Going.
I Wanted to Give You that Moment.
But I guess this is Just something I have to do alone.
Decide what I was Giving and what I was bringing with me
Put it all in the appropriate bags
Repair LionHeart and Load Up.
I was able to present the Bamboo Blood Bong to Revus
I don't think my craft can match with his brilliant Bows and Arrows
But I hope he appreciated what it was.
I Believe he did.
Brother Elisha and Brother Antonio also got a pipe with their name on it.
And I gave Antonio the Masterpiece Turquoise Necklace that he had given to me back.
It was one of the most Beautiful Necklaces I'd ever seen.
The Turquoise was worn.
One could Feel the Energy.
It was The Real Deal.
Never would have I accepted such a precious gift
But for to Give to You.
To bring You back here and have Brother Antonio seeing You wearing it
That'd be the only way for Me to Honor that Gift sufficiently enough
So without Your Perfect Neck to Rest Upon
I returned that Necklace.
I gave the backpack I'd gotten in Salem during my last ride there too
Filled with baby clothes from David and some of my clothes too
Along with some other random good stuffs.
Some sort of nice leather bag I found I filled with things from my Self.
CDs from my collection
A Tie from Uncle Bob
Niel's Shirt (I had that with me 'til Chicago)
A special piece of pink Quartz from The Wall I fixed that My Mother mined many years ago from the nearby famous vein that runs underneath the Statue of Liberty.
I put every dollar I had in the baggie with that rock too, for the Lady of the House.
And some other random good stuffs.
I had really wanted to have a bowl of Ezekiel cereal
but I wasn't invited to a meal
so I didn't eat anything I just put every bit of food I had in bag and left it on their table
(besides a jar of Banan flavored Peanut Butter my Mother gave me for Christmas that I wanted to share with the Windwalkers).
And finally
The Water from my Well
That I carried across the Country
As a Gesture of Peace and Gratitude.
After I Gave these Gifts and finished loading up I took a short break to gather myself before I set out
Sister came over as I sat and rested
"Did anyone ever tell you what Lukachukai means?"
"Hmm? Uhm, no. No they didn't."
"It means White Bamboo."
"!!!"
"It used to grow in abundance all around the area.
All around the bottom of the mountain"
"Wow."
"But it all disappeared years ago I guess.
But the old folks still remember it.
"...Just. Wow."
Sister then said Farewell and walked away.
I promised I'd return one day
With a Van.
And with that
I sat atop LionHeart
And Resumed My Journey.
This is My Time.
This is My Moment.
Me.
My Life.
Everything has led to here
Now.
