...I Stand...
Being who I Want to Be
In any Given Situation
Gives Me Strength
(Still working on the abs)
I Do Not Lack in the Base of my Hierarchy of Needs
Food Shelter Safety etcetera
And I Need to Thankful for that Every Day
But I'm having a lot of Issues with My Mental Health
And I Am a Complete Emotional Mess
Prayer This Blog My Journal Music
Positive Planning for My Future Healthy Food and Exercise
(And some treats and binge eating...)
Is how I Cope
Like it's hard to stop eating Peanut Butter long enough to do some push-ups and there's all these voices in my head this way and that
Actually I'm eating Peanut Butter RIGHT NOW MUAHAHA
Only Hope
And Gratitude
After All
I can't control anyone Else
Only my Self
And I'm Still Above The Ground
I accomplished what I had Set My Self to Do
I Reached the Point where I could offer My Hand
I Reached the Point where I could Give Her Choice
Choice is Freedom
So I don't really have any choices Now but Move Forward with Faith
As for my Future Choices...
Should I go Right where there's nothing Left;
or Left where there's nothing Right?
I'd Like to Wait for You
Uphold My Vow and remain Celibate as long as I can.
(Does the video I sent You count as You "Seeing" Me? Hmmm)
I'd also like to Hold someone.
I also Have Needs...
And I Still See My Choice
Or Will I Lose that Freedom?
'Cause I can see myself being pulled in by Gravity...
Or perhaps I'll Just keep running and hiding
I'm Good at that
All I Needed was to Hold Her Hand
That was All I Needed
Ah God
My Heart
.................
But that's all that's going to happen if I get with anyone
Great way to start a relationship
"Yeah You'll Never be Anything to Me but I'm unstable and depressed so can I Eat Your Love?"
Or I could not tell a gal about my blog and construct an elaborate false self that doesn't have All This Baggage
But where does that go?
I can already hear it
"So, Uhm... Who's Lili?"
And NO I WILL NOT USE SOMEONE
For one that's NOT EVEN GOING TO HELP ME
Maybe some guys like that
IF YOU ASK ME THEY'RE WEAK
THAT'S RIGHT FUCK YOU
I Have Love for My Brother
But You Will NOT have My RESPECT if that's what You Do.
I DO NOT CONDONE taking out your WEAKNESS on a Sister
That is EVERYTHING I Am Against
So Yes—She Hurt me Tremendously
But No—I Will Not Forsake Her
NOT EVER
I Train Myself
Pretty Rigorously when I'm in the right environment
My Home is a place of Somber Healing and Melancholic Rest for Me
I simply can't get into the same mind frame here that I can get into in an actual DoJo
But it's the depression that's the real problem
Why Should I Even Try?
It doesn't matter What I Do I'M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH
It doesn't matter How Strong I Am I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO FIGHT
It doesn't matter Who I Am I'M NOT EVEN LOOKED AT
Got Food Got Warmth Got Family
I'd Give it All Up in a Second to be with Her
That's actually literally what I Want to Do
But I can't Get what I Want
And it doesn't matter How I Work How I Struggle How I Toil
It doesn't even matter How I Pray
It's FUCK YOU JUSTIN
FUCK YOU JUSTIN
FUCK
YOU
JUSTIN
AAAAAARRRRRRGGHGHHHJnfsnhhuigsdfgsdf
It's really hard to do push-ups like this
'Cause it doesn't matter how many I Do how long I starve myself for
I'M STILL GONNA FEEL THIS WAY
I Feel Dead
And I Hate push-ups.
At least I'm not Losing My Mind Questioning Free Will anymore
Clearly
She has Hers...
I Just Hate how She thought I could Just "get over Her" from like one fucking text
LIKE OBVIOUSLY MY FEELINGS ARE A LOT DEEPER THAN THAT
OBVIOUSLY
Obviously She hasn't been reading.
She said She would
She Promised She would
I Believed that
Every Day.
Well it's like I already figured
It didn't matter Who I Was or Became How Far I Went or Would Go What I Accomplished
I'd already been "X'd" and put into a category of "No Thanks and No Time for You"
And for the record
You saying, "I wanted to just be friends but it was too hard with all these other wants you always bring up" is a Damn Lie.
It's You shifting the blame onto Me
Justifying Yourself Cutting Me Off.
I know it's a Damn Lie because the only wants I ever brought up were...
OBVIOUSLY.
And You're Free to choose that
As Everyone from Here to Arizona was like to remind me
As if I Needed to hear that
What I Needed to hear was an answer
Some Honest Truth
Like, "Hey, I glanced at your poem, I thought the colors were juvenile and didn't have the time to read it. I forgot where I put it. Anyways, your fantastical delusions are alarming not endearing. Please Leave Me Alone Forever."
It also would have been nice if I could have asked you some questions. Like:
Are You Happy?
Do You Like Your Job?
How does it make You Feel?
Is that a better Feeling than when You Dance at Festivals?
How about when You Dance under The Stars?
You couldn't Face Me
And that's part of why this is so Sad
'Cause if You did
Maybe I could have changed Your Mind
And Yeah
I Still Want to.
OBVIOUSLY.
I could go to Boston
I could find where You Work
Then I could See You
But Do You think I'd Want that?
Do You think that's how I Want to See You?
I've Never actually Stepped Foot into one of those places before in My Life.
I remember many years ago
A friend of mine split with his girlfriend and she got that Job
And a bunch of my friends were going to go see Her
I Refused.
It Felt Disrespectful
In fact, Everything about those places feels Disrespectful towards the Feminine to Me
And I Do Not Respect a Single Man There.
I Do Not Respect a Single Man There.
So they're the Bad Guys
And for reasons I fail to fathom
You've chosen them over Me
That means they Won
I realize that a certain amount of this expression is coming from a place of Jealousy
I've always been good with that emotion
I've always been able to let it go rather easily
That's how I went down the path in Love I did
So maybe this is a lesson to Me in that
A Lesson of Loss
What I'd Intended completely backfired
What I'd Envisioned completely delusional
What I'd Wanted completely denied
What I'd Planned completely disrupted
What I'd Expressed completely Ignored
What I Am
Completely defeated
So Obviously I'm pretty Sad
And Hurt and filled with Self-Loathing
And there isn't much Jesus can say to me to change that
Faith is the Belief that What We Need Will Come to Us
So I Know that it Will
Or I'll Die
And at the moment I'd be perfectly fucking fine with that
Whoever Gives Me What I Need I Will Love them for it
I Understand that
And I Understand that You Are Exactly What I Need
So what Hurts is how I Wanted to Give that Love to You
And I got this far
But You Just didn't Want any of it
So now I have this Choice
To continue to Save that Love for You
(Which I basically can't choose because You showed a complete lack of Care for Me)
Or to Give that Love to someone else
(Which I basically can't choose because it wouldn't be True and I'd Just be using them)
Apparently, I'm Free
But I felt a lot more Free when I was Waiting for You
Try to Understand that
I didn't Want anyone else
No Longer was I tormented by Desire
I Was Free in My Love for You
Why couldn't You have Just Held My Hand that was All I Needed
Now I Need
Look at What You've Done.
If I was a weaker man who knows what I'd Do.
And I Hope y'all are paying attention I'm trying to teach ya something here
This is My Life
There are things I Need to Experience so I don't Grow Bitter and Twisted
Which is what is happening right now
I'm Just hiding in My Room because I can only Hurt people right now
I'm a mess and have nothing to offer anyone
The other Night I thought about going to my favorite venue Toad's Place but
Firstly I'd Just be Haunted and pained by all the memories of You and Her there
Secondly I'd feel like a fucking Wolf
I wouldn't Dance.
I wouldn't have Fun.
I'd be sitting in the corner Hating myself
So I Just went Home and did that in my bed instead
I literally Just learned that no matter what I do no matter how hard I try what I accomplish Who I Become it doesn't matter I don't even get a chance
I'm having a really hard time caring about anything
But
I Know I'll be Alright
Firstly—The Lord
Secondly—My Journey
The Thing about Love
You forgive the People that Hurt You
That's How I Went so Far
With Faith and Hope of course
And that's Why I'm Still Writing
I'm at least trying to Show
Prove
That this is Real
That it's not all some illusion in My Head
That My LOVE
My Actual Emotions and Everything that is Love Beyond that for You is True and it Exists and I at least Want THAT to be Recognized
You can Dismiss it Throw it Away ReJect it Ignore it Burn it Freeze it Starve it Attack it
But it Will Endure
it Will Heal
it Will Survive
It Will Forgive
That's what Love Does
So the Hopes and Dreams I Have of Us Still Exist
As for those "other wants I'm always bringing up"
Years ago, in Your Room
When You told Me that You didn't Want to be Sexual with Me anymore
And My Response was, "...Well that doesn't change the way I Feel about You"
(At the same time it felt like You Punched Me in My Heart)
That to this day is one of my Proudest Moments in My Life
And that is also part of the meaning You and Our Relationship hold for Me
That I Would Rise above those Base Passions
To a place of Discipline and Self-Control
And Put Love—Care—First
To Hell with those other wants
It's those Wants I've always Struggled with, after all
They're the source of All My Self-Hate
I know I'm not the only guy like this
But thanks to You
Thanks to You
I'm one of the guys that has placed that aspect of myself where it belongs
Beneath What Really Matters
Happy Healthy Caring Trusting Loving Respectful Relations
Though without a Happy Healthy Loving Relationship
I'm Still rather Tormented
And that Struggle
Consciously choosing that this past Year for You
Well I Wish You'd See that
And if nothing else
I Wish I had Your Respect
Haven't I at least Earned That?
So what really Hurts
Perhaps more than anything else
Is How I Earned Your Trust
I Proved to You Over and Over
That I wasn't going to *snap* and You were and are Safe with Me
I Proved That
But was Closed Out anyways
Was disregarded anyways
Our Sweet Memories replaced
Your place in My Heart unrecognized
My Love for You an Unwanted thing of the Past
So I Do Still Need from You
The Wants are all there too sure but t'Hell with'em
I Need Your Trust
I Need Your Respect
I Need Your Care
I Need Us to be Good
Because I Need You to be Okay
And My World is a whole lot Brighter when I Know that You Are.
Can't You See what You mean to Me?
People come and Go in our Lives
Some have More or Less an Impact
Some are Just Acquaintances
Some You Build a Lifelong Friendship with
We're All on Our Journey of Building our Self
(Whether we're Conscious of that or Not)
But We're also All interacting with People all the Time and Building our Team
Friends. Family. Comrades. Lovers. Nakama-da!
Whatever the type of relationship is
Establishing, Building, and Maintaining Good Positive Relationships is The Bread of Life.
There's so much Illusion in this World. So much Nonsense. So many Empty and Hollow pursuits and Dead-Ends. But Connecting with People and having a Real Positive Exchange with them, and our own Path of Learning how Best to Do that, while also Taking Care of and Protecting Our Self
That is Life
At least, that's how I like to think
Out of My Mind in Joy from the Adventure I was finally Living
Through a series of Amazing coincidences
(I like to call Event Chains)
I found myself at a Backyard Pizza Party learning how to make Pizza and making Friends with a whole bunch of Amazing people!
Actually, the party had ended and I was walking back to the apartment in SouthStation to retrieve LionHeart and gear which was safely stored there
I somehow navigated my way to where I was trying to get to and low and behold
Outside also waiting for the door to open was a Beautiful Lady named Emma
She was adorned in Cool Colorful Clothing
She was an Elephant
She Looked Just Like You
Someone opened the door for us and we talked in the hallway for like an hour
Said she's from Vancouver and would be returning there soon
The Pacific Coast is my main goal but I intend to ride rt. 1 all the way North to Canada
So I See Vancouver as kind of the End of My Journey
So yeah—if Emma, or Her Equivalent, is waitin' up in Vancouver
I Obviously Do Not have the capacity to evade Her Energy
Out of My Mind in Love with Her
I went to the Flyover info shop to attend a meeting they were having planning a march at the nearby college campus to spread awareness of Sexual Assault and Consent
There I met a girl named Emily
She was this scrappy redhaired youthful girl
She was getting into martial arts and travel
She was interested in me
And I was completely Insane to have ran away
But like I said, I was out of My Mind in Love with Her
And it only makes sense to Me that if I Love someone and I Long for them and I'm praying for them that I'm not gonna be Linking up with anyone else...
So yeah—if Emily, or Her Equivalent, shows up
I Obviously Do Not have the capacity to evade Her Charms
Out of My Mind in Efforts to Earn a Motorcycle for You and Return to You atop it
I Turned 31
The Night of I was hanging out at my favorite spot in the city—BuzzMill
I was Pretty Lonely
Just Working as much as possible
Saving every dollar
Buying No Pleasure
Not even on My Birthday
An Awesome Black Magic wielding Gal observed me curing some of my Bamboo Pipes over the Fire there
She thought it was pretty Awesome
She Wanted one—Wanted to smoke out of it with me too
She Gave Me a Hug
And I Thought
"Uh-oh. I Know this Feeling."
Connection.
It took All the Wisdom I had to evade developing further feelings for Her and directing the relationship to platonicness
I was Very Lonely
It took All the Will I had to call Her Sister instead of Her Name
Winona
So yeah—if Winona, or Her Equivalent, conjures up
I Obviously Do Not have the capacity to evade Her Spells
When I returned to Austin
Out of My Mind in Hurt because All Three of You threw me away
I was in a Target getting some supplies for a Man in Need I had Just met while he watched my bicycle outside
When I stepped outside he heartily informed me that I had just missed a gorgeous woman on a bicycle
She was on a Touring rig—all loaded out and everything
She rode past and asked about my bike
She wanted to meet the Rider
But was in a rush so couldn't wait for me
Her name was Lauren
(Upon hearing this news I immediately went and Acquired Goddess—My Violin)
So yeah—if Lauren, or Her Equivalent, rides up
I Obviously Do Not have the capacity to evade Her Spokes
She Was My Angel
But I have Needs that are Beyond Her Right Now
And She Deserves so much better than that
She Deserves the Absolute Best and I can't Give Her that at least not right now
So maybe it's better I don't see Her
At least not until I can Give Her my Heart again
Or the Heavenly Bodies Aline...
I Just don't understand why we can't be in each other's lives
I don't understand why what I do have Now to Give isn't enough...
...Well while I have your attention here
Something I Never got the chance to tell You
When I was resuming my Journey, I knew I might Die
Obviously, I didn't
But I knew it was going to be tough once I didn't have You anymore and I was Just diving right into it so I Just knew there was a chance...
So I Showed You this Show
Just in Case I didn't make it
So You'd have an Answer.
I'm Obviously gonna be there
That's Who I Am.
And I Want to See You Again!
OBVIOUSLY!!!
(5 Years 1 Month)
I Don't Know what I Need
I'm Mentally Unstable and Morbidly Depressed
So I Know I Need Something
This is What I Want
I'd Wait for This
I don't know how long I Can I don't know what my limit is I've Never been here before
Obviously I can't Just Be Alone Forever
I Need Love Somehow
But if God tells me I Need to Love for Both my Self and The World
And some Dream Girl Appears from the Heavens
Well the first thing I'm gonna tell Her is I've Loved 7 Women and still Want 3 of them and am trying to Wait for 1 of them but they're All Gone and I Have No One. If She doesn't do an about face there then I'll ask Her if She'd like me to clear some room for Her in My Heart—Which may cause a chemical reaction/chain of events that literally Kills Me, or (if I don't Die) She might like the place and start repairing all the burnt parts and filling in all the hollowed out parts...
in which case she obviously won't have to pay any rent.
If this somehow appeals to this Mystical Woman then I've enough reason to ask Her out on a date. Aside from simply wanting the company, I'd probably feel obligated to give Her a chance, as She would also be giving me one. I'd give Her my blog, tell Her the more of it She reads the more points She gets (also the more informed She'll be), and schedule a time I can whisk Her away into my Magical Mystery Reality, where we'll have lots of fun helping some people of The Streets and finding some yummy Ma n' Pa hole-in-the-Wall typea place to eat at (I'm picturing this in a semi-urban setting. Though I go everywhere so who knows).
Or maybe I'm wrong.
I Want to Wait for You.
Or I could Be with You.
Or She could actually say Sorry for once...
So maybe hook-ups are a strategically viable option and I'm Just being way too romantic about my position
Like, I don't Judge people for that stuff
If that's where You are then that's where You are
As long as everyone is being Honest and Kind and Respectful
I could Just Tinder away in every city and watch the years roll by
I thought I was past that
I thought I had found Love
I thought that Everything that is Wrong with this World could be Solved and could Heal if That Love could Just be Held and Shared and Honored in a Sacred Way
I thought I could be a Model for that
So I don't Want a Damn hook-up
Well, I guess there's a part of Me that does.
Some Young Men might be Elated at being in my position
Free and Fit
The World at their fingertips
Nuthin' and Nobody holdin' 'em down
But I'm Just Pained and Disturbed
Sad and Haunted and Angry
Humiliated and Ashamed
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FailureKnight
It's like Everyone is in Danger Everyone Needs Me
But No One Cares and No One Wants Me
So I'm Exiled and Everyone is Just gonna Suffer and Die
Including Me.
This fuckin' Sucks.
But No One Cares and No One Wants Me
So I'm Exiled and Everyone is Just gonna Suffer and Die
Including Me.
This fuckin' Sucks.
I Must Carry Hope
Things aren't that bad
Life is Good
Life is Good
(Everyone's Still Alive for one thing!)
And I Do Know what I Need
I Need My Self
My Highest Self
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WarriorPoet
This whole past year has been a battle
An Epic One, to be Sure
The Lili Wall has been heavily sieged
Losing those meaningful items, including the money, in Phoenix was like the Uruk-hai breaching the walls of Helm's Deep
The Prosperity Journal being returned to Me was like Gandalf the White Returning with The Riders of Rohan at Dawn.
All but Finished
Except for the Final Page
Unwritten
So going out again into the World
It's going to be a battle
Osgiliath has Fallen!
Gondor Calls for Aid!
Yet None Come...
Maybe it wasn't that You didn't Care
Maybe it was that You Couldn't
Maybe I'll find out one day.
But definitely much more likely to establish stronger ties between the Elven Nations that may actually help Us in Our plight
But I Wanted to Give a glimpse of my Struggles and share my process of depression and getting myself back up and all the Everything going through my Head and maybe someone might relate to this Pain which is both humiliating and humanizing at the same Time and I'm both Proud of myself and incredibly disappointed in myself at all Times
Obviously I Still Love You
That Love is My Center
My LionHeart
But I'm Tired of That Love being Wasted
Too Hurt to Bear
And there Just might be someone out there who Needs Me
So I Wish You'd come With Me
And I'm going to try to Keep my Self Free
So This Hand of Mine stays right where I Gave it to You
So that Choice Remains for You
But when I'm out on The Road
I don't know What's going to Happen
Weak
And no one likes to talk about it
But Everyone is meant to Hurt
That's practically what it means to Be Human
How else Do We Reach our DEPTHS than through PAIN?
YA GOTTA LIVE
So You gotta get out there Eventually and MAKE SOMETHING with Your Self
Your Mind and Your Heart
Or Give Up and Die.
Not for one Second
But God DAMN IT I Just Need a FUCKING BREAK
So call me spoiled call me weak call me pathetic
be disappointed look down on me
It's nothing I'm not saying to myself all day as I quietly scream to myself in my room
And I know proper diet and exercise and productivity are what I Need and what actually make me feel good
But I Just want to eat peanut butter stay in bed all day and be on vacation from Existence
If you ask Me if I'm not Killing Myself then I think I'm doing a pretty good job
If I can help my family then kudos to me
The Giving in to the Want for Temporary Pleasures
That Weakness has been holding me back
I've been Afraid of My Self
My Heart
Its Wants—Desire—Hunger
How can I Give myself Strength?
What if I misuse it?
Hurt people with it?
If that's what I'm going to end up doing aught I not Remain Weak?
Aught I not Just Die?
I Have to Trust myself again
Believe in My Self
Have Faith that The Lord will Guide Me
My Path
To Inspire and Spread Love
Create a Sacred Space
Bastion
In this World filled with Hate and Fear
I Believe that is the Best Thing I can Do
That came from Her, y'know
She shared Her Dream with Me
I carried it and it flowered within Me into this
Now it's All I have left of Her
That and a little Smiling Sun bead
...I still Hope She'll come visit one day.
I Hope She'll accept it as Her Home.
I Hope She'll accept Me.
Just look at all these things I've been Given
So many Cherished Memories
So many Blessings
I can't let everyone down
I Need to Honor them
I Must Not Quit.
Not Ever.
"I Don't Know Anything"
You had said to Me Once
Which was Wild to Hear from You because I thought You Knew Everything
That is, I felt You were Very Wise
Well, I Don't Know Much
But I Know that Time Changes Things
I Know that People Change
And I Know I'll Always Love You
Obviously.
I wrote this three years ago
After Illinois
Feels relevant:
We all want things out of life.
At least I assume everyone does (if you no longer want anything you have transcended desire and are now on level with The Buddha. If you only want to Give Love then you're like Jesus. Good job).
By the Buddhist philosophy, want/desire is the cause of our suffering.
I don't know if I totally agree with that though. I think it depends on what you want. If you want good things like Peace and Prosperity then that will probably alleviate a lot more suffering in the World than it causes. If you want to give and help others that too will probably be more positive than negative.
I don't think that most people know what they want, at least not too concretely. Figuring out what you want is definitely a good first step towards getting it.
So when you want something, where does it come from? Well, depends on what it is. If you want rain then it comes from the sky. If you want a potato it comes from the ground. If you want money it either comes from your community or it comes from somewhere else (but it comes from somewhere). If you want a pen it was made with x, y, and z from a, b, and c. If you want a free pen well someone probably has to drop one somewhere. If you want complicated things better start thinkin' and/or prayin' and/or hopin'. If you want a simple thing, maybe just go try to get it yourself. Or make it yourself, if ya' can. That's fun!
If you want a person, they're pretty easy to find. You usually have to leave your house though. If you want a certain type of person, maybe go where that type of person goes. If you want a certain person, better first find out if they want you too, 'cause if they don't ain't nuthin' you can do. Hang around, do your thing, talk or whatever, but if they don't wantcha sometimes ya' just gotta move on. No hard feelings though, lotsa people in The World, and everybody that's out there is busy lookin' for something, otherwise they wouldn't be out of their home!
Some people are lookin' for water. Some people are lookin' for a potato. A lotta people are just lookin' for money. Some people are just lookin' for a pen. Some people are lookin' to make their dreams come true, and some people are just lookin'. Some people are lookin' for some other people. And of all the billions of people in The World looking for other people right now, every second about 77 people find that other person.
And out of all the possibilities of what one person might be searching for in another person, we can barely even begin to imagine the start of it. For example, somebody out there is looking right now for a Chinese trapeze artist to join their collective party and escape the confines of their Society to venture the land as street performers. Perhaps more traveling performers will join them and they will one day become a circus. Hopefully the government doesn't shut them down. Godspeed young band of Wild Dreamers!!
Somebody out there is also looking for you. Someone is out there lookin' for you right now. No not you specifically, but a person exactly like you, whoever you are. A person who has something exactly like one thing you've got, or one thing you do, or something you know that you might not even know you know and you won't even know you told them when you do and they won't know you did either but they will then know what they needed to know from you and then you both move on, if you want to, or have to. Or maybe you both want what the other has got.
Maybe you got money, and the other has a thing you want. cha-ching.
Maybe you have charisma, but the other has somehow attained peace.
Talk : Listen : : Show : ______
Maybe those eyes of yours are on fire. Maybe theirs are deeper than any part of The Ocean you've ever looked into. With a reason like that why even question it?
And who knows, they might have been looking for you for a while. Who are you to not give 'em a chance? And why pass that person up 'cause of the kind of shoes they are wearing, or the color of their skin, or the job they work (or don't lol), or their hobbies, or their friends, or some odd thing you perceived about them and assumed a conclusion about and now you feel they are beneath you? Why ever do that, and who do you think you are to do that anyways? But hey, maybe you'll both do this in some way or another, at the same time really fast, and you'll juuuuuust miss each other.
Tragic, but so it goes.
You're probably too busy for them anyways.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTPl50ASo3M
Faithful Roger
Tropical King Bread Pudding!
With Mango, Pineapple, and Coconut shreddings!
I got a Baguette From the King Bakery in Salem and carried it all the way back
My whole family Loved it (:
A Kitchen is also a Blessing
Blessings should be Shared
Wrapped and Warmed some leftover Pizza
Some Homemade Mac n'Cheese
Reused the Shredded Cheese bags (;
And some hot tea
(Reused a glass bottle)
Put all that in a bag together so everything stays warm
And Brought this food downtown to some Brothers Surviving in the Elements
Time for a Cooking Lesson!
This here's one of my specialties...
Caramelized Onions!
You will Need:
Onions (5-15)
Butter (1-2 sticks)
Alcohol (Optional)
Cut up all your onions into thumb sized pieces or so
In a Large Pot on High Heat melt a whole stick of Butter!
Put the onions in the pot and start stirring!
Keep an eye on the bottom of the pot...
As the onions cook they'll release their moisture which will mix with the Butter
When the onions have cooked a little bit, stop stirring them for about 1-2 minutes (Depending on heat of Stove)
Check the bottom of the pot...
What we're looking for is a small bit of Burnt Stuff
This is the Butter and Onion Juice mixture burning
Not TOO MUCH Just a LITTLE BIT
It is called Fond and it is Delicious
DON'T BURN THE FOND!!!
There's the Fond
The trick to Caramelizing Onions is creating as much of that Fond as possible
So don't stir the onions but check the bottom of the pot every 1-3 minutes
When there's a nice brownish/blackish layer of the Stuff
Use a Spatula to Scrape it off the bottom of the pan!
Lower the heat if the Butter is burning a little too fast
It should take 1-3 minutes (so ideally 2 minutes aim for that) for the bottom of the pan to have a nice layer of Fond to scrape off
Oh Holy Goodness
After you scrape the Fond onto the spatula
Just mix it into the onions while you give the onions a stir
Then let 'em sit for another 1-3 minutes
For True Carmelized Onions You'll be Keeping this up for at least an hour, maybe two
The Fond mixed into the mixture will thicken the liquid creating the dark brown mushy onions you see above
Eventually though, the liquid will be too thick
The Fond will be burning too fast
One can actually stop and have delicious onions at any time in the process
But We Want More Fond!!!
So that's where the Alcohol comes in
Most will use some sort of Sherry or Cooking Wine
But Just about any alcohol works pretty well
(One of My Secret Ingredients: Bailey's Irish Cream!)
So when the mixture is getting thick pour in about a cup of your alcohol
This is called "DeGlazing the Pot"
Stir it all in and that'll help keep the Sauce thin and add a wonderful Depth to the flavor of the Carmelized Onions
It takes some time for the alcohol to evaporate away so be sure to keep cooking and scraping the onions for at least 30 minutes preferably an hour after you pour in the alcohol
If the onions begin getting too thick in that time you can add more butter about 2 tablespoons at a time, which will help DeGlaze and also help create more Fond
Alternatively add just a splash of Broth
If You Want to make French Onion Soup from here it's easy!
Just Pour in Broth!
Voila! French Onion Soup!
Pour that over some Nice Bread and melt some Fancy Cheese on top and You are chillin' like a villin'
That's not what I did this time though
I made a Curry Pumpkin Stew!
Nice and Hearty with plenty of spices and a variety of vegetables for a complex flavor in every bite!
I took half of the Carmelized Onions and mixed them into this Stew
The Sweetness of the Onions went soooo Well with the Curried Pumpkin Broth
HOW MUCH TURMERIC DID YOU PUT INTO THIS?!?
I got some Dough from the King Bakery in Salem and carried that all the way home as well
I made a filling by mixing the Carmelized Onions with shredded cheddar cheese
Then wrapped that in the Dough and dusted the outside of it in a flour-spice mixture and baked 'em
KING Carmelized Onion Dumplings
and Carmelized Curry Pumpkin Soup!
Dipping the Dumpling in the Soup was Great too
I actually have a pretty high opinion of myself
I'm not Perfect but I'm on a Good Path and I Try Really Hard
So I think I'm pretty Awesome, generally
Upper Body Strength has always been my weakness
Back in High School I couldn't do one push-up
Now I do 4 sets of 75 a day
So I've come a long way
But I still have so much further to go
Lifting the Weights is still the same Exercise
But making the decision to go and do so
In this Space of Doubt and Anger and Pain and Apathy and Confusion and Hunger
That's the Hard Part
Making that Uncomfortable Choice to Exert Yourself despite Everything
Seeing this actually helped me a lot
I'd get Confused and Frustrated and Question what I should be doing
Then I'd hear Jesus' Voice Echo Within...
My Dad on Stage
I don't Want to write about it but Say a Prayer for Him and his Health
He could sure use it...
THIS is My Stage
I'm much more Proficient with My Pens and this Keyboard than any Instrument
So don't worry about Me
Save Your Prayers for the Needy
But I Sure would Appreciate it if ya kept on Reading (;
This Stone Wall by the side of out Home collapsed like seven years ago or something and has Just been sitting in a pile as the dirt slowly eroded out unto the driveway
This last year though I've been really studying Masonry!
Bishop's Castle—Early Civilizations at Mesa Verda—Various Projects
I also got some great Wall Building Instruction from Joseph!
So when I got Home it was like
"Hey! My Masonry Level is High enough... I Know How to Fix That!"
Rebuilding this Wall was like Rebuilding My Spirit
To gain Knowledge and Technique along My Journey
And bring that back to contribute to My Home
Really Cool!
I could Tell it meant a lot to My Family too
One important aspect of building
It's gonna Rain
Water Will Come
So You gotta think about that and have a path for it to go
That's how the Wall collapsed in the first place
Water built up behind it pushing the soil into the rocks
Over the years this pressure slowly pushed the rocks forward until at last it fell
So that doesn't happen again we're simply installing some drainage pipes so the water has a path to drain
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBXhuqwovog
That Werewolf I met had told me something interesting
He said he doesn't feel Lonliness
Never Has.
I'm Different
I've always felt Loneliness particularly vividly
It's Jealousy that I don't feel
At least, I had never felt it before Her
And even then when it was painful I let it go pretty easily
Which is apparently impossible for some people.
We're All Built differently I suppose
And I think that's pretty Cool
"Solitude can be Nice
Isolation can be Deadly"
I shouldn't Need any more
Right?
I don't Need more I Just Need someone
Who is For Me?
I definitely don't want anything that isn't mine
What is Mine?
"Entertainment for man, but not for his beast. Enter ye that have leisure and a quiet mind, who earnestly seek the right road."
~Henry David Thoreau
Others have gone further with less
But I'm Me on My Path
I feel so weak. So Childish
I feel totally disrespected and unappreciated
I feel like I'm lost in a Maze
I feel Hurt
"Loyalty is something One can Push
But it is also something One can Ignore"
It's like I'm meant to be alone
Which is a nicer sounding way of saying I have to be
Which makes me really angry and frustrated when I don't want to be
When I have a bunch of issues that are literally all solved with a Loving Partner
And maybe some of those things I can work on and improve myself upon when I'm alone and maybe that's what I have to do maybe That's Why
But some of them are Just Me I'm Just Me I'm Just a Man
This is such a difficult confusing position I'm in
Why won't any of them help Me?
What's Wrong with Me?
What Did I Do Wrong?
"Was mich nicht umbringt macht mich stärker
That which does not kill me makes me Stronger."
~Friedrich Nietzsche
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xjdkc14-zwQ
I am not a Believer of Determinism.
Free Will exists in Choices.
Sometimes we have a lot of Time to meditate, consider every angle, calculate, strategize, and decide.
Sometimes just a couple minutes. The Clock ticking like we're on a game show.
Sometimes it all happens so fast our destiny is determined by our reaction.
But even in those knee-jerk moments
What is in our Heart and our Mind
Is determined by What We Chose to put into it
All the little choices throughout our Life
Are You going to Read This Book? Or watch this television show?
Are You going to Study how to Build Stuff? Or Numb Your Mind with Opioids?
Are You going to Practice Your Instrument? Or watch pornographic videos?
Are You going to eat this or that? Spinach or Potato Chips?
Are You going to do some push-ups? Or eat more Potato Chips?
Are You going to think about What You've Done? Or Just pretend it didn't happen?
Are You going to Listen? Or Just pretend You didn't Hear?
So I Do Believe we have Free Will
But it is perhaps Applied into Existence differently than we think.
Perhaps All the little choices Add Up
And the Big Choices are sometimes already determined
Obviously we all Want to make the Best choices
But that can be difficult when the Best choice is uncomfortable and challenging and the alternative is pleasurable and easy and we have a Voice within us that Demands Enjoyment and Entertainment
So Balance is important as we move through our Days
Healthy Choices for Our Tomorrow
Continued Growth and Existence
Pleasure for Our Today
Happy and Stable
So when I did My Best
At least what I thought was My Best
And it didn't lead to You
My internal Narrative became quite accepting of writing my next line as
"And then I died"
(I found a fun space! The line between Suicidal and Wanting to Die but not Wanting to Kill yourself)
The only reason I didn't is because my poison is Peanut Butter not heroin and perhaps also because I had a safe place to hide away and eat copious amounts of it
Thanks Mom.
I Am Weak
I Lost My Will
My Spirit was Broken
I've been here before but I tell ya it was real hard to Stand up this Time
Probably because what all this meant to me.
It wasn't Just a continuation of the past
IT'S MY ENTIRE LIFE STORY
So Everything was sort of Stacked on top of each other
My Journey and My Entire Life leading up to it
Everyone who taught Me Love
My Experiences with Her
Coming Closer than Further Apart
Missing—Wanting
Meeting Her
Longing—Needing
Then What Happened to Him
Then what She Did
Then what Happened to Her
Then Just being completely Shut into a Dark Box
She was My Light
But She faded away
Then She came to me and was My Angel
Until I went off
Alone again
Everything Swirling around constantly constantly
This World This Life
My World My Life
MY LIFE
Well, y'all are welcome to start reading from there if ya Want
https://ridelionheart.blogspot.com/2017/09/i-dont-know-how-to-let-go-so-i-just.html
After coming from there to here
It only felt Right that I'd Die
I Honestly don't know why I'm Still Alive Right Now
Honestly.
People Die All The Time.
Before their Time
Without Accomplishing their Dreams
Beautiful Wonderful People that in No Way what-so-ever Deserve their untimely Demise
Just ripped away from the Earth
Children
It doesn't make any sense
Why Do these tragedies happen?
And Why Am I Still Here?
Why?
Oh Right.
The Bike Ride.
The Pacific Ocean.
My Dreams.
Me.
It's almost like I'm scared to succeed
Like, if I don't try, then when I Fail, it won't Hurt so much
'Cause if I Do Give it My All and don't make it then I really am a Failure
And that's the thought echoing in my Mind with every push-up
"Failure."
But if we don't try at all
Then We Remain Weak
We don't Grow at all
So when someone comes to challenge us
We don't have anything
at all
When the Mongols (or anyone Stronger who means us harm) come to decimate our village
We don't even have the ability to escape to the Mountains
Nevermind make any sort of Resistance
Weakness Garners No Respect.
On Faith Alone Do The Weak Survive
Faith Earns Love
Strength Earns Respect
We are All Born Weak
Some are meant to remain so
But perhaps only in certain ways
Strength Garners Respect precisely because it is hard earned
If You buy a lottery ticket and win a million dollars well hey Good for You
If You worked so hard you broke a rib your hands bled you lost sleep you push day after day
If You gave up this Pleasure and that Comfort and those Things because they were holding You back
Weakening You
And You control Yourself and meticulously Save every Penny to get your million
Then You Earned What You Have
And None but The Lord could take that away
Don't Worry Mom and Dad!
Leave the Shoveling to me!
There that's better!
You're Welcome!
And oh look
It's Donatello!
He must be here to Save the Day!
Just remember
People aren't Things.
Though they may Give Us Pleasure and Comfort
Everyone is their own Existence
And that Life is enough
To Love and Respect
So We can go anywhere
Do Just about anything
But the essence of our Lives
The relationships we Attain along the way
Whether they are Given unto Us by a Shooting Star like a Brush Stroke from God
Or by some inexplicable magnetism we are Called to each other through the crowds like Birds of a Feather
Or We find them ourselves and Forge them with Our Own Intent like a Masterfully crafted Art Piece
These relationships Create Us
So Wherever We Go with Our Selves
We Take Everyone We've Ever Loved Along With Us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJ69FaH3dg
Faithful Roger
Tropical King Bread Pudding!
With Mango, Pineapple, and Coconut shreddings!
I got a Baguette From the King Bakery in Salem and carried it all the way back
My whole family Loved it (:
Blessings should be Shared
Wrapped and Warmed some leftover Pizza
Some Homemade Mac n'Cheese
Reused the Shredded Cheese bags (;
And some hot tea
(Reused a glass bottle)
Put all that in a bag together so everything stays warm
And Brought this food downtown to some Brothers Surviving in the Elements
This here's one of my specialties...
Caramelized Onions!
You will Need:
Onions (5-15)
Butter (1-2 sticks)
Alcohol (Optional)
Cut up all your onions into thumb sized pieces or so
In a Large Pot on High Heat melt a whole stick of Butter!
Put the onions in the pot and start stirring!
Keep an eye on the bottom of the pot...
As the onions cook they'll release their moisture which will mix with the Butter
When the onions have cooked a little bit, stop stirring them for about 1-2 minutes (Depending on heat of Stove)
Check the bottom of the pot...
What we're looking for is a small bit of Burnt Stuff
This is the Butter and Onion Juice mixture burning
Not TOO MUCH Just a LITTLE BIT
It is called Fond and it is Delicious
The trick to Caramelizing Onions is creating as much of that Fond as possible
So don't stir the onions but check the bottom of the pot every 1-3 minutes
When there's a nice brownish/blackish layer of the Stuff
Use a Spatula to Scrape it off the bottom of the pan!
Lower the heat if the Butter is burning a little too fast
It should take 1-3 minutes (so ideally 2 minutes aim for that) for the bottom of the pan to have a nice layer of Fond to scrape off
Oh Holy Goodness
After you scrape the Fond onto the spatula
Just mix it into the onions while you give the onions a stir
Then let 'em sit for another 1-3 minutes
For True Carmelized Onions You'll be Keeping this up for at least an hour, maybe two
Eventually though, the liquid will be too thick
The Fond will be burning too fast
One can actually stop and have delicious onions at any time in the process
But We Want More Fond!!!
So that's where the Alcohol comes in
Most will use some sort of Sherry or Cooking Wine
But Just about any alcohol works pretty well
(One of My Secret Ingredients: Bailey's Irish Cream!)
So when the mixture is getting thick pour in about a cup of your alcohol
This is called "DeGlazing the Pot"
Stir it all in and that'll help keep the Sauce thin and add a wonderful Depth to the flavor of the Carmelized Onions
It takes some time for the alcohol to evaporate away so be sure to keep cooking and scraping the onions for at least 30 minutes preferably an hour after you pour in the alcohol
If the onions begin getting too thick in that time you can add more butter about 2 tablespoons at a time, which will help DeGlaze and also help create more Fond
Alternatively add just a splash of Broth
Just Pour in Broth!
Voila! French Onion Soup!
Pour that over some Nice Bread and melt some Fancy Cheese on top and You are chillin' like a villin'
That's not what I did this time though
Nice and Hearty with plenty of spices and a variety of vegetables for a complex flavor in every bite!
I took half of the Carmelized Onions and mixed them into this Stew
The Sweetness of the Onions went soooo Well with the Curried Pumpkin Broth
HOW MUCH TURMERIC DID YOU PUT INTO THIS?!?
I made a filling by mixing the Carmelized Onions with shredded cheddar cheese
Then wrapped that in the Dough and dusted the outside of it in a flour-spice mixture and baked 'em
and Carmelized Curry Pumpkin Soup!
Dipping the Dumpling in the Soup was Great too
I actually have a pretty high opinion of myself
I'm not Perfect but I'm on a Good Path and I Try Really Hard
So I think I'm pretty Awesome, generally
Upper Body Strength has always been my weakness
Back in High School I couldn't do one push-up
Now I do 4 sets of 75 a day
So I've come a long way
But I still have so much further to go
Lifting the Weights is still the same Exercise
But making the decision to go and do so
In this Space of Doubt and Anger and Pain and Apathy and Confusion and Hunger
That's the Hard Part
Making that Uncomfortable Choice to Exert Yourself despite Everything
I'd get Confused and Frustrated and Question what I should be doing
Then I'd hear Jesus' Voice Echo Within...
I don't Want to write about it but Say a Prayer for Him and his Health
He could sure use it...
THIS is My Stage
I'm much more Proficient with My Pens and this Keyboard than any Instrument
So don't worry about Me
Save Your Prayers for the Needy
But I Sure would Appreciate it if ya kept on Reading (;
This last year though I've been really studying Masonry!
Bishop's Castle—Early Civilizations at Mesa Verda—Various Projects
I also got some great Wall Building Instruction from Joseph!
So when I got Home it was like
"Hey! My Masonry Level is High enough... I Know How to Fix That!"
Rebuilding this Wall was like Rebuilding My Spirit
To gain Knowledge and Technique along My Journey
And bring that back to contribute to My Home
Really Cool!
I could Tell it meant a lot to My Family too
One important aspect of building
It's gonna Rain
Water Will Come
So You gotta think about that and have a path for it to go
That's how the Wall collapsed in the first place
Water built up behind it pushing the soil into the rocks
Over the years this pressure slowly pushed the rocks forward until at last it fell
So that doesn't happen again we're simply installing some drainage pipes so the water has a path to drain
He said he doesn't feel Lonliness
Never Has.
I'm Different
I've always felt Loneliness particularly vividly
It's Jealousy that I don't feel
At least, I had never felt it before Her
And even then when it was painful I let it go pretty easily
Which is apparently impossible for some people.
We're All Built differently I suppose
And I think that's pretty Cool
"Solitude can be Nice
Isolation can be Deadly"
Right?
I don't Need more I Just Need someone
Who is For Me?
I definitely don't want anything that isn't mine
What is Mine?
~Henry David Thoreau
Others have gone further with less
But I'm Me on My Path
I feel so weak. So Childish
I feel totally disrespected and unappreciated
I feel like I'm lost in a Maze
I feel Hurt
But it is also something One can Ignore"
Which is a nicer sounding way of saying I have to be
Which makes me really angry and frustrated when I don't want to be
When I have a bunch of issues that are literally all solved with a Loving Partner
And maybe some of those things I can work on and improve myself upon when I'm alone and maybe that's what I have to do maybe That's Why
But some of them are Just Me I'm Just Me I'm Just a Man
This is such a difficult confusing position I'm in
Why won't any of them help Me?
What's Wrong with Me?
What Did I Do Wrong?
That which does not kill me makes me Stronger."
~Friedrich Nietzsche
I am not a Believer of Determinism.
Free Will exists in Choices.
Sometimes just a couple minutes. The Clock ticking like we're on a game show.
Sometimes it all happens so fast our destiny is determined by our reaction.
But even in those knee-jerk moments
What is in our Heart and our Mind
Is determined by What We Chose to put into it
All the little choices throughout our Life
Are You going to Read This Book? Or watch this television show?
Are You going to Study how to Build Stuff? Or Numb Your Mind with Opioids?
Are You going to Practice Your Instrument? Or watch pornographic videos?
Are You going to eat this or that? Spinach or Potato Chips?
Are You going to do some push-ups? Or eat more Potato Chips?
Are You going to think about What You've Done? Or Just pretend it didn't happen?
Are You going to Listen? Or Just pretend You didn't Hear?
So I Do Believe we have Free Will
But it is perhaps Applied into Existence differently than we think.
Perhaps All the little choices Add Up
And the Big Choices are sometimes already determined
Obviously we all Want to make the Best choices
But that can be difficult when the Best choice is uncomfortable and challenging and the alternative is pleasurable and easy and we have a Voice within us that Demands Enjoyment and Entertainment
So Balance is important as we move through our Days
Healthy Choices for Our Tomorrow
Continued Growth and Existence
Pleasure for Our Today
Happy and Stable
At least what I thought was My Best
And it didn't lead to You
My internal Narrative became quite accepting of writing my next line as
"And then I died"
(I found a fun space! The line between Suicidal and Wanting to Die but not Wanting to Kill yourself)
The only reason I didn't is because my poison is Peanut Butter not heroin and perhaps also because I had a safe place to hide away and eat copious amounts of it
I Am Weak
I Lost My Will
My Spirit was Broken
I've been here before but I tell ya it was real hard to Stand up this Time
Probably because what all this meant to me.
It wasn't Just a continuation of the past
IT'S MY ENTIRE LIFE STORY
So Everything was sort of Stacked on top of each other
My Journey and My Entire Life leading up to it
Everyone who taught Me Love
My Experiences with Her
Coming Closer than Further Apart
Missing—Wanting
Meeting Her
Longing—Needing
Then What Happened to Him
Then what She Did
Then what Happened to Her
Then Just being completely Shut into a Dark Box
She was My Light
But She faded away
Then She came to me and was My Angel
Until I went off
Alone again
Everything Swirling around constantly constantly
This World This Life
My World My Life
MY LIFE
Well, y'all are welcome to start reading from there if ya Want
https://ridelionheart.blogspot.com/2017/09/i-dont-know-how-to-let-go-so-i-just.html
It only felt Right that I'd Die
I Honestly don't know why I'm Still Alive Right Now
Honestly.
People Die All The Time.
Before their Time
Without Accomplishing their Dreams
Beautiful Wonderful People that in No Way what-so-ever Deserve their untimely Demise
Just ripped away from the Earth
Children
It doesn't make any sense
Why Do these tragedies happen?
And Why Am I Still Here?
Why?
The Bike Ride.
The Pacific Ocean.
My Dreams.
Me.
Like, if I don't try, then when I Fail, it won't Hurt so much
'Cause if I Do Give it My All and don't make it then I really am a Failure
And that's the thought echoing in my Mind with every push-up
"Failure."
But if we don't try at all
Then We Remain Weak
We don't Grow at all
So when someone comes to challenge us
We don't have anything
at all
When the Mongols (or anyone Stronger who means us harm) come to decimate our village
We don't even have the ability to escape to the Mountains
Nevermind make any sort of Resistance
On Faith Alone Do The Weak Survive
Faith Earns Love
Strength Earns Respect
Some are meant to remain so
But perhaps only in certain ways
Strength Garners Respect precisely because it is hard earned
If You buy a lottery ticket and win a million dollars well hey Good for You
If You worked so hard you broke a rib your hands bled you lost sleep you push day after day
If You gave up this Pleasure and that Comfort and those Things because they were holding You back
Weakening You
And You control Yourself and meticulously Save every Penny to get your million
Then You Earned What You Have
And None but The Lord could take that away
Leave the Shoveling to me!
You're Welcome!
It's Donatello!
He must be here to Save the Day!
Just remember
People aren't Things.
Though they may Give Us Pleasure and Comfort
Everyone is their own Existence
And that Life is enough
To Love and Respect
So We can go anywhere
Do Just about anything
But the essence of our Lives
The relationships we Attain along the way
Whether they are Given unto Us by a Shooting Star like a Brush Stroke from God
Or by some inexplicable magnetism we are Called to each other through the crowds like Birds of a Feather
Or We find them ourselves and Forge them with Our Own Intent like a Masterfully crafted Art Piece
These relationships Create Us
So Wherever We Go with Our Selves
We Take Everyone We've Ever Loved Along With Us.
Honestly
I have no idea what it all means
What I Need nor What I Should Do
I Just Know Who to Be and Where to Go
Me.
West.
Honesty
Virtue
Care
I Shall Not be Actively Seeking Anyone.
Who is for Me?
I thought it was You.
I thought You Needed Me
And part of Me still does
I don't know I can't see
But I'm Obviously not Wanted...
Nor am I Loved...
Well I'd help that person regardless of anything else, as I can
But if I meet someone who Needs me that I Want
And that Want is genuine
Real
And they are also what I Need
And they Want me too
Well if I meet this person then that is whom The Lord is giving me
So We'll See if I Accept
We'll See if I Love
I Want to be Needed
I Need to be Wanted
I Love to be Loved
I'd do anything for You.
Pay any price.
I'd Wait.
I Proved that.
But I have Needs too and I don't know if I can wait when things are like this.
You did, after all, specifically tell me to, "Stop waiting!"
So I'm trying to say
I Want to Wait (anyways)
but it might be impossible!
THAT HURTS
It's impossible because I Want to be with someone Now Damn it I Need to be with someone Now and I'm scared that my youth and my time to experience my Dreams is going to come to an end and I'll Never Experience the really important ones for My Soul and grow into a Bitter Twisted Evil Monster.
Though experiencing those experiences with someone that isn't You or You or You is going to honestly be Painful and Confusing
But I suppose I Need to Accept that I've Lost
Be Grateful for whatever I am Given
And try to Appreciate the Bittersweet Melody I appear Bound to Play.
I can be sad and depressed and avoid people and run away from advances
But if some Serendipitous Coincidence places Exactly Who I Need in front of Me and God is telling Me I really aughta Go for it
Then I can't Wait for You anymore.
I guess that's what You intended though, huh?
Well.
Good Job.
Beyond Dreams or Hopes for Time Together or even Love
Is that You are Safe, Happy, and Free
I Want You to Be Safe, Happy, and Free!
Are You?
So the Big Question on My Mind is
What will I be able to do to Help You if I Keep My Self Free and Available?
In other words, if I Wait.
Because if I'm Waiting in Vain then I'd really like to, uhm, not.
But if You Need Me
Or if You Will Need Me
If I can Help You
Then I Can Wait
And if there's any chance that we can come together
And experience the Hopes and Dreams I Still have of Us
Or if Waiting simply has Some Positive Effect on You and Your Life at all
Then I Want to Wait
And I Can if I Want To
I don't think my capacity to resist any Female
(More like my own Desire for them and their gifts)
Is really even important though because
Like I've written, at this point
I'm Just leaving it All to God.
I Still Have My Love for You
And That is What is Mine
So You can Join Me
Any Time.
And I Will be Waiting
For as Long as I Can.
And that's What I Know I Am Going to Do
Obviously.
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