If you need something, ask.

     Story:
     Lili had a class thing to go to, so I had to get going. There were two more people that I wanted to meet Rudy though, so she left with me. When I say goodbye, I guess I reflectively steel myself a bit. It doesn't matter in the end; I always return to my feelings and sort them out. We remember that moment though, something about it at least. The light, the sounds, the look on their face. It never fades—at least I pray it doesn't.
     It was a beautiful day with few clouds. Birds were about and 'twas only a bit nippy. The rain the previous night had continued the cold streak, but with weather like this it truly felt that Spring had come. In other words, perfect riding weather! My mind cleared, aside from generally worrying about little Rudy on my back, and I was very inspired to write some feelings down, which I planned to do on the train. I arrived at the Greenwich station and was soon approached by a man whom gave me a tip about sneaking a bike on the train during peak hours. He said he was a cyclist too, so I asked him a number of questions about bike care. I am amazed every day how openly some people will express themselves to me, simply because I listen. His tip didn't work though as the conductor stopped me from entering the train, so it was just Me, Rudy, and Lionheart hanging on the platform for a while.
     I took out some paper to write my thoughts down but I realized I did not have a pen! I then remembered a lesson that was just retaught to me: If you need something, ask. I start asking. "Excuse me, do you have a pen?" Usually only to someone who looked like they might though, such as if they were carrying a bag. No one has a pen, so I just keep asking away and petting Rudy until a train comes that lets me on. For half the ride I'm just crammed in the corner holding up Lionheart to minimize my space usage, but as the train moves away from The Big City the people aboard dwindle, until I can finally sit down.
     I had texted Sandra in the morning about maybe hanging out as I'd probably be around, but I guess she made plans. She was one of the people that I wanted to meet Rudy, and this would be her only chance, so I tried to convince her to work us in. She sent me one of those Icy Kisses that I've seen her blow on occasion, and it chilled me to my bones. I savored that feeling, then put it away for later and wished her a wonderful evening. I'll miss you Sandra.
     As Rudy and I descended the stairs from the train platform in New Haven, I notice at the very bottom, sitting on the floor as if left for me, was a blue pen. I picked it up, knowing that this pen told me everything that I needed to remember that day. I put my gift in my pocket and rode Lionheart into the streets of New Haven.


     Journal:
     I decided to head straight home. I needed to reflect and be alone. Rudy and I made it a bit after darkness had fallen. I played with her a little but then let her get some rest; her adventure with me was finished. I was fatigued but far too inspired to sleep. After I got some of that energy out I faded away, only to awaken the following morn to continue where I had left off! I was so filled with energy from the previous days events I wrote five poems that day! That's a new record! So I'm not saying I'm some totally amazing poet now or something, but just speaking objectively about my own writing, I feel that it has improved since I started. That's a good feeling!
     So I had this magic card, a Shiny Damnation, which I got in a pack years ago with Kara. I remember Kara grabbed it and ran off as I chased her around the Student Center cafeteria. She licked it and I really freaked out. I sold the thing on ebay but ended up getting it back (the only card ever returned). So Friday I was seeing my ol' mentee Ben for the last time, and I really wanted to give him a nice gift. His mother has been so generous to me, and they really love me over there, I wanted to give some of that good energy back. Still, I hesitated. The Shiny Damnation was probably my most valuable card, worth about $100. I could totally get away with just giving away some $20 card or whatever—he doesn't even know about the Shiny Damnation. I want to be a more generous person though. I don't want to think about monetary loss or gain all the time. How people feel and what we learn is far more important, and we cannot put a price tag on that. When I handed Ben the Shiny Damnation later after a game, I knew I made the right decision. He squealed, he jumped, he laughed, he said he'd enshrine it in a case forever, he gave me a hug. After a nice dinner and some of the usual witty banter from Ben's mother, I raced home becaaaause...
     Hayley was coming over! After I got my phone back from the Shakedown show, the beautiful gal that had returned my scarf texted me and wanted to hang out! We talked about life and the universe and ate pizza and french fries with teriyaki ginger sauce and played with Rudy and went for a walk. In this world, we ask not with our words but with our actions. I want to build meaningful relationships with people and have lifelong connections. I seek this through most of my endeavors, and I believe that by focusing on this goal with people it creates the utmost positive energy. Hayley and I had a wonderful time together and we will always be friends.
     I went into Easter morning on less than four hours of sleep from the past two days, but I was so charged up from energy it didn't even matter. I packed up my computer for good along with all my stuff—I've got a lot of organizing to do before I can leave. If I really want to get out of here by this weekend (that is the goal!) then I've really got to stop wasting time. After a nostalgically stressful holiday morning with the family, Claire arrived with her promised pie, and was soon followed by the uncles. Dinner was nice and I connected with my uncles a bit and talked about my imminent journey. I took a short run after dinner to gather my thoughts and reflect on my feelings. Looking over the lake, I recalled an image of the ice melding into the fog and into the sky, and I wept. I returned home but had to return to the fresh air right away; this time taking Claire with me. I showed her a Weeping Willow tree that I've always loved in this neighborhood and we joined its sorrows, then wrote a poem together and walked back. Unfortunately my uncles left before I returned. I'll miss them too.
     To my surprise, Lili was in the area with some friends and wanted to come get Rudy right then! She said she'd be around by five but being predictably unpredictable, I was not surprised when she swung by around nine. So I, along with Claire, Lili, and her two friends Jen and Ashley, hung out upstairs with Rudy, sharing a couple stories and poems. When it was time to go I said goodbye to Rudy. I was not sad however, because I knew this was right. I said goodbye to Lili again, and felt the same.
     Claire and I spent Monday eating, sleeping, traveling a bit, running an errand, and of course, connecting. My parents needed me to witness some mortgage signing so, being inspired by my uncle's stories, and seeing a rare opportunity to embarrass my parents, I walked to the table only partially clothed muttering, "So what'd you need me to see?" Heehee it totally worked! Mother's friend Ellen showed up and, having just stopped by at the Marijuana dispensary which is apparently in the next town over, Branford, she smoked me up! Waah!
     Tomorrow morning I will see Claire off to work. I stayed up all night writing this though so hopefully I can pull my act together in coming days. There is only one final thing stopping my departure...


     Reflection:
     I am in constant search for truth and understanding, so I am constantly questioning and revising my beliefs. I call this Free Thought, and I believe it is essential to our growth as a species.

     There is matter and there is energy. We are matter, but to move and to think, we use energy. In order for our synapses to fire and make connections, our brain uses energy. Ideas, then, are energy.

     I don't believe in some sympathetic entity that will punish the wicked and protect the good for us. But there is something that can not be described with words, at all, which has some form of observable action in space and time. We can call it a name, like God or The Universe, but that is only to help us conceptualize it. We can claim it exists or argue it does not, but our understanding of existence is questionable at best. I do not think we have the ability to understand "God," at least not with our current level of understanding of reality. In example of that, just think of how knowledge of the Spherical shape of the world and celestial bodies changed the way people understood the universe! As we learn more about the universe, we'll be able to understand ourselves more as well.
     This goes back to what we are. We are the energy being constantly sent to Earth from the Sun. We turn that energy into everything we do and feel. Our emotions and ideas are energy that was once inside the Sun. In this way, we are all one.  Our matter comes from the Earth and when we die, returns to it. Our energy comes from the Sun but does not return to it when we die. Where does our energy go?
When we have a desire or a need, and we put forth energy by thinking and asking for it, could that energy have an effect? When we take action and work towards obtaining our desire or need, could that energy have an effect on the world around us?
     If two different people are each searching for what is within the other, can they each not help but find each other? This is serendipity. This is "God."
     When we communicate with someone, we experience and express emotions and ideas. Words, too, are energy, in the form of sound. Communication is literally a transferring of energy. When we connect with someone, we have established some pathway to allow that energy to flow. The more connected two people are, the more energy can ebb and flow between them. This mixing of energy creates new energy. This is love.


     Poetry:

     "Hardship. Love. Wisdom."

     The path before us is seldom clear.
     There is always an easy road-we don't even have to wake up
     But the greater the challenge the greater the reward.
     Thorns on the path pierce our flesh, and make it difficult to step
     So we grow callouses and walk on.
     Being alone on the path is terrifying, and weighs down our heart
     So we grow brave and press on.
     Traversing on the path less traveled, we can not prepare for what we do not know
     So we grow resourceful and continue on.
     But regardless of the direction we choose
     There will be times when we are brought low.
     When we are in need or want
     Our strength and knowledge having failed us.
     It is these times that we must ask.
     When you want something, ask.
     When you need something, ask.
     Ask and you shall receive.
     We only get what we ask for.
     But do not think to depend on this.
     Those who ask for everything
     Can hold on to nothing
     Those who always take the least painful turn
     Never gain the strength to carry what they need,
     Those who stay with others at every turn
     Never gain the independence to control what they need
     Those who follow another down all turns
     Never gain the wisdom to know what they need
     Those who make all these turns
     Never gain the freedom to decide what they need.
     They are doomed to forever ask
     for what they do not even want.