No. I could not have done it alone.

So after some of the stuff that happened in Maine I pretty much went crazy
Within that I drove down to New Orleans
Got arrested on the way
(Buncha nonsense—trooper planted weed on me)
Mississippi Jail was neato though
Universe is/was actually helping me out
Found myself to a Hare Krsna Farm
A Very Holy Place.

 Basically, my first place I wwoof'd!
I worked in their fields and they fed me and gave me a room!
Had my tools with me
And they had bamboo!

Nrsingadeva
The awesome Half-Man Half-Lion Demi-God incarnation of Vishnu

Curing the pipes in Krsna's Kitchen 

 That was one hot stove

Holy Bamboo! 

These pipes all came out perfect
As expected from Hare Krsna Bamboo! 

My muffler fell off at some point
I don't know how I'd of survived The South if I didn't find this farm

Someone put a bowl of water on the ground so animals could drink 

The Corner of Time and Space 

Well they spelt prologue wrong
But certainly a way I was feeling those days
And now

I met a man named Juganoth at the farm

 We worked together to build an addition on this house!

I took way more pictures
For my own education
I learned a lot!
Here are just a few 

Hammering nails or something. 

It's like Legos
For adults! 

Frame of roof 

Hammer+Nail is so much more satisfying than Drill+Screw 

Juganoth is a Master Carpenter
I'm not about to cut a board with a power saw with one hand!
(And you probably shouldn't either) 

We built this room in just one week!
I used these skills to build The Bagel Cart when I returned home 

Holy Garlands from Krsna

Cowboy: "That shirt represents your Power. Don't Lose it."

There were adventures in New Orleans too but didn't get any pictures
I returned home again for Christmas
I left the next week for Maine again
And that sucked.
I made it home completely distraught (Blog PG version)
And met an Angel a few days later

That's for you to read.
It's in your backpack.
Find Rachel. 

Months passed
Mostly took pictures with my phone
(See next update)

 My Angel joined me on an adventure to resume my Journey
This is on a cliff by Ithaca Falls
We're melting wax here to make a Bamboo Art Piece

We also made Mac n' Cheese
That's a piece of Bamboo in my mouth that helps me stoke the fire more efficiently
Having a camp fire on a cliff by a waterfall was awesome

 While exploring Ithaca we happened upon the abandoned Ithaca Gun Factory
Exploring the area was a Gauntlet!
We had to climb walls and fences and scale cliffs into a ravine
There was even a DEATH PIT

Inside one of the warehouses
Death Pit of the Left
We made a fire on the right and cooked potatoes!

Graffiti is True Art
imho
Just the expression of an idea somewhere
Up to you whether you accept the idea or not

 

If you're in Ithaca
Look for the Ithaca Guns smokestack
And go find Ezra's Tunnel!

Here's an idea I can accept

 At first
I figured falling to my death to climb some random tall thing wouldn't be worth it

But then I started... 

 A Bird's Eye view of some of "The Gauntlet"
And where we Stealth Camped (:

Beautiful views from the top of the Smoke Stack 

Climbing was an experience I could not rightly put into words for you 

 But it feels damn good to NOT DIE

You cannot ignore what goes on inside you. 

You have to make things beautiful. 

You cannot sit idly by 

while your Heart dances in agony and delight. 

Here's the piece we made on top of Ithaca Falls
I dropped some of the wax by accident
And at first was off-put by the rocks stuck into it
But then I realized
It's Perfect! 

 And there's Ash on this side

The Resilience Bong 

Gotta put Love in! 

Pretty good, right? 

In Cleveland
Found an old Bridge
Had to climb it
Climbing cool stuff might be one of my new things 

Skyline
Boatline 

At least they approve! 

Found ANOTHER Bridge and had to climb it 

"No Trespassing violators will be prosecuted" 

She's got a reputation to uphold 

I've got a special connection to bridges 

Great view of Cleveland from up there 

I liked Cleveland
It has lots of bridges!! 

FREE 

Yeah there's my instrument! 

Gorges were a theme of the adventure 

The climactic return to Yellow Springs!
Into The Glen! 

Glen Helen is a beautiful nature preserve 

Back in Ithaca we found a little rock pained like a PBnJ
tiny pbnj!!!
It had a link posted on the back
The page had instructions to hide the rock somewhere else... 

So we put it in the best possible place just about anywhere in the World
This Holy Spring in the center of The Glen in Yellow Springs, Ohio
Recognize it? 

 We stayed the night here too
Falling water
Another theme of the adventure

 When we returned later
tiny pbnj was gone
And The Rose was in The Spring

Hiking is just as fun as bicycle riding 

 And exploring is the BEST THING EVER

 Path of Healing

Thanks for the Adventure, Angel 

I hope I find more places like this

 Well I didn't write that but I've kind of felt that before I guess

Before we left initially I found FIFTY-SIX Jars of Cashew Butter!
We experimented with lots of different mixtures
Pumpkin Pie (already eaten) was my favorite
Just mix Pumpkin Pie spice mix and Molasses into your favorite all-natural nut butter! 

Carbondale Arborium 

Now that I have all this experience working with bamboo
I can be on the look-out for it in my traveling
Can make more Bamboo Art 

You can eat these mushrooms! 

 If they get too old the veiny part smudges and/or they change color

First day back on The Road
With a new Load Out!
At the Line of Totality 

A Labyrinth named The Rainmaker's Garden

Nothing beats walking around and exploring it yourself

I was able to see the Eclipse here

 Crazy part was
I didn't even know about it until we were already on our way
Heard about it in Ithaca

We only learned Carbondale was actually in the Path of Totality somewhere in Ohio!

We arrived one day before the phenomenon
Of course we aimed to see it once we heard about it...
But we were heading there so that I'd resume my Journey!
So The Timing of The Eclipse
Total Coincidence!

It was amazing
I saw The Sun in My Eyes
Thank you Lord!

 You could play around in this spot for hours

It's the result of a lifetime of work
Mr. Dave Dardis spent much of his free time (along with some apprentices) creating this space
Which he generously has open to the public
At no charge 

The energy of the space is astounding 

Finding cool places
and appreciating them 

That's what traveling is all about!
Among other things 

There's The Line 

Doggo (: 

 Ya'll should head to Makanda too!

Got myself a new Legendary Ring
During The Eclipse!
Within the display
It was right on The Line

Now there's the Illinois I remember
Sun shinin' over Corn fields 

Fort Defiance
The joining of two great rivers

The exact point where The Ohio River meets The Mississippi River 

Ever since Effingham
Humongous Crosses definitely speak to me 

The plan is to follow the Mississippi down to New Orleans
Along the way I'll clear my name...
See the next post for the missing months!
Rising
Back
UP!

From Me to You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcOghJ_ldS8

So since writing the last post a year anda half ago
And posting it a few months ago
I wrote this on March 25th 2017
But hesitated to Post it:

So I'm going to try to keep this relevant to myself only, short and sweet.

April May and June were some magical months.

I spent time with the person I Loved and have some amazing memories that were honestly worth turning around for.
In an effort to “attend as many musical festivals as possible during my last summer in my twenties” I came up with a great idea: Music Festival Bike Tour!
Firstly I signed up to volunteer at Mountain Jam, Disc Jam, and Ziontific music festivals.
I bought a ticket to Strangecreek.
I rode a bit to Strangecreek, but got rides most of the way
I rode from Strangecreek to Mountain Jam!
I rode from Mountain Jam to Disc Jam!
I crashed at a new friends place after Disc Jam, then rode to Ziontific!
‘Twas pretty awesome stuff.

Just a month of bicycle riding and music festivals.

After returning from that I began getting ready to hit The Road again.
From the first journey I already had all the skills I needed to survive, I was only worried about protecting my compatriots
So I took a month of training in Krav Maga
Come July I departed and went to the national Rainbow Gathering in Vermont
I learned a lot there and had a Hell of a time…
After some putzing around I returned home, bought a car of my own, and putzed around some more in New England, alone.

No, that’s not what I wanted to be doing.

I was severely depressed and trying not to be.
During this time some experiences really disturbed me, which I will not and can not write about here.

So for the whole summer I sort of went out, had some cool adventures, met with some level of (what I would consider) disaster, and returned home to heal.

In other words, I was lost.
I don’t like being melodramatic (Not anymore at least. No need to reread old posts lol)
But I was in a lot of pain. The most pain I’ve ever felt in my life. At one point I even reached suicidal, which I never had before in my life nor understood.

In that place, with some hope of having some positive impact on the situation (or at least what I perceived it to be) I loaded up my car and drove South to New Orleans.

I got arrested along the way.

Watch out for Mississippi State Troopers.
Planted weed on me → “Well you had weed on you so you must be intoxicated” Under arrest for DUI

I’m happy for the experience though.
Small town Mississippi jail was quite the adventure!

Funny how they immediately treat you like you are less than human and try to break you
Definitely don’t want to get caught up in THAT system
I feel bad for the people that are
And it’s all set in place by money
They’re just extorting dollars from their own populace
Yeah, that’s how to build a strong community
Fucking idiots.
But I got out of jail thanks to my friends I had made in there and my father
Found an amazing Spiritual Farm of the Hare Krsna people

Then made it to New Orleans
I went back and forth from ‘Nawlins to this farm a few times in the next month
Was a Grand adventure!
I’m sorry I didn’t write about it!
But I learned a lot and had an awesome time too
One such thing I learned was some carpentry basics helping build an additional room on a house for a guy.
I returned home, once again, Justin Time for Christmas

About a week later, after New Year’s, I left again to go to Maine
I knew I’d face there some of the things which pained me back in the summer.
That’s why I had to go.
It went worse than I anticipated though and ended up just being hurt again, even more
Well, the old wounds hadn’t healed anyways
So it was just salt
Lots and lots of salt
Luckily I had made some actual friends during my adventures there too and they saved me

So after that little trip I returned home to finally bring into reality the idea I picked up from Mr. Winston in Carbondale IL
Bagel Cart!
My goal was to build the thing outta wood and be ready to vend Bagels at the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade!
And so I did!
I don’t think I’d of been able to get over my hurt and morbid depression without the aid of a new Lover I met.
Must be said.
But I also picked up a Mission when I was in Maine
And have to return there to complete it

At this point my family has gotten very used to my coming and going
I remember when my intention was to NEVAR RETURNNNN!!!
That didn’t work out so much
Oh well. I am what I am.
At least I found a deeper Love and Appreciation for my home and family than I knew before
That alone was worth the journey

Of course, wanderlust is in my blood now
I can’t stop
I suppose I’m not too much different than anyone else
I’m working towards my dreams and my future just like You
I want to travel and go on many awesome adventures
I want to create a Haven of Love and Safety
I want to help my Loved ones live and I want to help Heal The World
It’s a balance, moving forward day-by-day, taking action for one self, and for others.
There’s a check coming in the mail
Once it gets here, I’m leaving again, atop My LionHeart
And going to Maine
To fix something that’s broken there.

That’s all.

Worst Case Scenario:

 That and I blow my left knee out which I never got looked at.
It doesn't matter though
This is what I have to do.
I don't expect anyone else to understand.
How could they?

______________________________________________________________________________



So that was then.
Here are the photos from my camera
These are the photos that I've kept on my camera
I back-up and delete some now and then to keep space
But these are the ones I left on the phone for some reason:

 I presume this is still hidden where I left it
(Hint: It's at CoSM)

 I guess Rachel got her hands on my camera
Scares me sometimes
But she's a great gal

 The back of Hayley's car
Unfortunately we're both Unorganized Chaotic types
so our weaknesses were really showing

Here is my brother Chris
I actually met him on my bicycle Journey in Carbondale Illinois!
(Which is where I'm posting this from)
He joined us at the Gathering and led us to A Hidden Weed Farm...

Cars
Also not either of our strong suits

 I don't think they were Chris' strong suit either...

In Portland Maine
We found Tommy's Park
And laid our things out to do some Art

 This was a Joyful moment

 Legendary Double Shooting Star Pipe

Came out GREAT
The first pipe that I used color in

Well we weren't exactly broke but...
Flying a sign is a humbling thing to do and a good learning experience

 Hi Hayley
Waitin' on you

You are Beautiful.

 Weeks later I was in the Woods with a hitchhiker I had picked up named Raccoon

He led me to this cool spot in the woods where there was all this ancient art
(Note: Please take care following Raccoons to secluded area—in general)

Crafted this scepter there with him
The Geode on top I found at the end of the Rainbow Gathering
Tied it on with rawhide—Thanks Raccoon.
I secured the tie with epoxy
Which sinks into the rawhide and makes it really hard.
I shattered a Quartz and stuck that into the epoxy
On top of a Bamboo Pole
(I later gave this as a gift to my friend Scott from the New Hampshire area)

Also made here was The Matrix Pipe

(as I was on my way to the Matrix Music Fesitval)

And The Long and Winding Road Pipe
Which I tied rawhide at the end of and a Turkey Vulture Feather
That was My pipe for a while
It split and I repaired it with Gold Paint
But I Lost it in my Complete Defeat in Maine

 Volunteered for Matrix Music fest
Zed here and I are on Front Gate duty
I brought Bamboo and Tools to this festival so I could work on my art there
I wanted to see if what I was going to do to support Us on the Road would have worked

Guess what?
It worked.
Doing it there and making art pieces for people on site of the event was reeeeeally cool too

 Like I said
Brought Bamboo and Tools

On the way back from Maine some stuff happened and it was terrible
And I found some brothers in need of a ride
Here's James and Andrew!!!
They joined me fora couple days

James went on back home to take care of his ill father and be with his brother and friends.
Andrew was heading West
Dropped him off at Union Station
To NYC (;

 Months later
October
Dark Dark Month
Thanks I guess.
Here's Starling
A little bird I found running into a busy road
About to die
(I was riding my bicycle on my way to train at Ronin Martial Art studio)

So I took it home and gave it a little place and tried to let it heal and be a little bird and stuff

 I fed it cheese and hard-boiled egg and mashed something else I think

 Starling didn't make it
She just kept shivering and stopped eating
I tried...

World became so so Dark

 Got The Green Gust in July of Last Year!
Pokemon Go! came out then and I was looking at my life choices:
Team Valor: Get back on my bicycle immediately and resume Journey heading West
Team Mystic: Try to Live in this area making Bamboo Art. Fighting, Chasing, for Love, or at least what I think it is.
Team Instinct: More or less the above but trying to hook-up as much as possible and move-on rather than hold on to what appears nearly a delusional reality of the Dream I had and STILL HAVE

 I guess you can change your Team once
So we choose Mystic then but now we're on Valor
So that's cool 'cause now I'm like a Red Mage/Monk
(Life Pro Tip: Put your time into good endeavors that will help you grow and be more powerful/versatile.
Martial Arts, for example)

 I'm glad I got the car and chose Team Mystic because aside from going on many adventures with it
It did exactly what it was supposed to do
It brought me to you.
And you too
(And then we escaped in it)
So there.
can do!

 It's a GOOD CAR
It brought me very far and I went on many adventures with it
And I believe I helped you with it
That was my intention and even though it put a huge weight on me and we obviously couldn't communicate our selves to each other at all I believe I helped you.
I'm leaving it here in Carbondale
If you want it it's yours.
But we'll see what ends up happening to it...

The Sky is Still Blue Bong
Gave it to a man named Baloo
Not sure if he's my enemy or not
Not sure what's happened.
But this has been my personal motto since I was like 11

No matter what is happening within my head in my life in my Heart
The Sky is Still Blue
Even if there are Clouds in the way they'll move
If it is night Dawn is to come

 However, if the sky ever really did Fucking Break
And the Stars fell from the Heavens
Well maybe that's a time to panic
No
Pray.
Time to Pray.

 Don't forget how to Fly

So as of right now I'm back in Carbondale IL
Things are going according to plan with that at least
This IS important to me
But it's NOT as important to me as THEM
But there's NOTHING I CAN DO
So here I am.
I'm ready for the desert
I'm ready to clear my name in Mississippi
I'm ready to kick the ass of any man that has been Cruel to my Sister
As the philosopher Billy Mason told me
"I can only fix the World as far as my arms can reach"
I believe we should ALL be so bold.
STAND for THAT.


Don't forget your Pain
Don't forget your Prince
Don't forget your Promise


I said these words to myself today
But I believe they're good words for everyone
(Don't forget your Princess/non-gender specific term of dearly Loved one either)

I also wrote a poem this morning after waking up from a Nightmare (often enough) I call "Our Pain is a Gift that Helps to Guide Us" but I don't think I should post it here.
But if anyone wants to read it I'll message it to them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDgrarwhYPs

With Honest and Clear Intention, I choose Best Action for the Good of All

That was my new meditation mantra (or Power Stance as I was calling it) at the time of this writing
March 2016
Just about One Year Ago
I guess I decided the posting of this would not have had the most Honest and Clearest Intentions
Or perhaps was not for the Good of All
Or maybe I was just frustrated by the ASCII Shooting Star and didn't want to bother putting snippets of my Self and Life on the internet anymore and wanted to Just LIVE
So Live I did—I suppose
But that'll be the next post
Posting it one year later
Here is Where We Were:


It's hard to not look back
Plus I never said I wouldn't

I said I'd die if I didn't make it
Not if I couldn't Let Go

I've said a lot of things
I don't think I can remember them all

Some things maybe I needed to say then aren't the same anymore
Some things go back and forth
Some things are just hidden away in a box

I'm one of those last things right now
It's a really nice box—My Favorite in fact
But trapped in a box is trapped in a box

That's what it feels like anyways after having experienced the freedom of that bicycle
The freedom of just being out there away from home not knowing where I was going or what I'd find
And when I found something—now THAT was the BEST

I want to believe it all happened for a reason

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-zfmpxjPCU

So now this blog is about me going crazy.
Or maybe it's about how Love drives ya' crazy.
Like, let us not beat around the bush.
Clearly, I am crazy.
You gotta be crazy these days to quit your jobs, sell your shit, and jump into the unknown to live on your bicycle.
And I want to keep doing that. I want to sleep on the street and I want to be alone and I want to cry all day and I want to sweat and I want to bleed and I WANT TO SUFFER.
I want all this because I need to want all this in order to do it. In order to get back out there.
Because what I really need isn't a hook-up or a girlfriend or a 6-pack or a shiny car or all the money, sex, and drugs I can reasonably enjoy before it all goes numb.
I need to be Stronger. Stronger than who I am now. Strong enough to support the people I Love. Strong enough to make the right decisions. Strong enough to not be daunted by the risks and the loneliness and whatever pain may come my way.
I want to be strong enough to survive.
I want to be strong enough to be free
whether I'm alone or not.

But I don't want to be alone.

There we go. That's what we want, right?
Paradise.
Love and Music and Fun.
All the time.
Except I'm in Connecticut stuck in the Paradise that is my parents' House.
I'll get down to Florida and just live on the beach eventually.
For now though I'd like to find somebody to connect with

http://m.okcupid.com/profile/FreeLovinJustin?cf=regular

Oh yes, it's back to the exciting world of okcupid.
If you are unfamiliar with this world
Well, it's probably best that way.
I learned all about serendipity on the Road but it hasn't been working lately
Probably because my Heart isn't actually open to letting someone else in
But that didn't stop me from sending a bunch of messages to some nice ladies to see if they wanted to hang out.

I'll be around your area Wednesday maybe so if we hustle with the online message part we can chill


Quick! Ask whatever questions you need to know the answers to in order to feel comfortable! Go go go! 

Why are you here
Orel you
Or will you* 

That's the -best- question to ask someone on here.
I'm too honest and I bet you're not gonna wanna hang out with me, but oh well haha.


I'm going through a bunch of internal changes right now on both a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. On a good day I feel like I can do anything, and I do. On a bad day, I'm depressed and can barely get out of bed. I don't actually want to bring anyone into this more than they'd be interested in observing it, plus I'm planning on hitting The Road again soon. But damn I could use some company.
More than anything I want to make Love with someone. I've never been a dude "just looking for sex" but I've sort of been reduced to that now and it's frustrating because I know how bull shit the whole endeavor is. I want to have a meaningful relationship with someone but I don't think there'll be the time for them to get me at all.
So I'm on here just testing girls to see if any of them will see past my attempts to scare them away with this rambling or the arrogant facade I put on my profile. I used to come on here and basically prostrate myself to women in the hopes they'll give me a chance. Now I know how awesome I am so rather than put myself beneath women I'll pretend I'm above them and see if any rise up to me.


tl;dr It's hard to summarize or pin-point as I'm a complicated multi-facted being, and I'm open to whatever, but I definitely seek some level of intimacy, physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental (but preferably physical, as that's what I'm missing from my life now).
If you enjoyed reading that, check out my blog


If not, we probably won't vibe anyways
Unless you just want to be held by someone, or fuck, in which case you're beautiful and while it's true I'll be around there on Wednesday I'd go out of my way to meet you for the reasons detailed above
See, I'm so fucking done with games.
I'm me. I'm real.
That first message was a joke
But then you asked a good question.


So simple
Why are you here?
Fucking brilliant. I Love you already


So why are -you- here? 

whoa that's a lot of words
i get what you're saying and i don't want to straight up be like fuck off dude but there is just so much stuff in there that i don't feel like dealing with because i've been through the ringer and i'm just looking for like hey let s fuck goodby


Well shit! How did I mess up Hey let's Fuck goodbye!?

So in retrospect we can look at this and determine two things, based on if we interpret this positively or negatively.

From a positive point of view, I'm just on another level of expression thanks to all the massive amount of time I spend self-reflecting, journaling, thinking, meditating, blogging, etcetera and am ready to DIVE DEEP at a moment's notice.

On the other side, I am clearly in a very emotionally vulnerable state and barely keeping it together. My emotional desperation is obvious from how I simply pour my Heart out at this lady when all she did was ask "Why are you here?"

I can see how my genuine expression could be misinterpreted though.

• 
  You are so fucking pretentious

And then I broke out in hives.

Allergies? Or a curse?

Curses are actually great things!

The whole point is to figure out why and do something about it.

So I was frustrated.

I still felt I was incomplete.

I felt I needed someone and didn't understand or accept why I was being punished

I had got all that stuff out with the last blog post and felt great

But it didn't last.

I accepted myself

But I couldn't draw Love from myself for myself.

And without the ability to do that I was still in a position where I needed Love from others—specifically women.
If we can't and don't Love ourselves it has a serious effect on our ego.
We just go around looking for redemption.
If someone else Loves us they can fill our cup for us

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6K40XHeHlo

So I watched some videos like that and I did more of my usual meditation/journaling/reflecting and I hung out with her and I learned a lot as I always do and then I realized what I had to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6mkYz4mx0

What I could do, now.

I'm only free after 8. New haven is between us, we could do coffee and walk around if it's nice out/if coffee shops start closing on us. Say 8:20 so I don't keep you waiting, at blue state on York?
(Also, please confirm or deny plans so I actually show up. Thanks!)

Hey Laura, you're awesome but I don't think I can make it tonight.

I realized that the only thing stopping me was me, as usual.

The culmination of all the negativity I absorbed for months had finally been let out of its cage and I had to deal with him—Some sort of Nega-Justin
Some of it came from people that disapproved or judged and some came from what my perception of society would think and some came from signs but it all affected me because I let it in. I took on the guilt and I judged myself and I tried myself and I couldn't control MY Mind and I couldn't figure out what was up or down and that's just what happened.
And the constant barrage of all this negativity that I could no longer shield myself from fed that side of myself.

That Dark side I wrote about last time
But Just because we've accepted our Self doesn't mean we should move backwards!
(Okcupid is definitely backwards!!)

For the past three months, since returning home for Christmas, I have been filled with self-doubt.
I've been depressed and I've been confused about God and reality and nothing has made sense.
Is it all real or a dream?
Is life meaningless?
Do we have any control at all?
I'm with my family and I'm in a warm bed and I get warm food I shouldn't be sad like this I should be following my dreams but I can barely gather myself to get out during the weekends I'm so fucking weak why why why
FUCK I just want to be HELD by someone AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3jLkJrhHKQ

My lack of faith in my Heart and my Mind
In My Self
Is what caused all this.

And my lack of Faith in Her as well
And for that I am ashamed. Embarrassing as all this is, none of this other shit bothers me personally to admit to on my blog, but doubting her is what truly caused all this in the first place and brings sadness to my Heart.
At least I was wise enough to know that the whole time though.
I never blamed Her.
But I couldn't Let Go either
I tried.
I tried in a million fucking ways again and again
I could not do it.
And I don't give a shit if you think I'm obsessed or crazy or out of line
You don't know what I felt.
I hope you do though one day
I wish everyone in the World could feel that way
But maybe not everyone is ready—look what it did to me!
Love is POWERFUL
Without Loving myself first and without being my ideal self by myself this need for Her was born.
My pure intentions from Love were corrupted by my desire to hold on to Her and use Her for what She gave to me.
Purpose and Direction. Peace and Elation. Confidence and Self-Worth.
Love.
How do I get to Her!?
What Mountain do I climb?
What Dragon do I slay?
THE REAL WORLD ISN'T A FAIRY TALE JUSTIN
THE MOUNTAIN IS IN YOUR MIND AND THE DRAGON IS IN YOUR HEART


I went to my usual place

I meditated and I spoke to The Stars and they answered me

The next day
I drove up to see Her.








































                                             






                                                      .                                                     ./|\,                                                <-=☆=->                                                     '\|/`                                                      .'.                                                  (.•´                                                  ( `•.¸                                                   `•.¸ )                                                     ¸.•)´                                                  (.•´                                                  ( `•.¸                                                   `•.¸ )                                                   ¸.•)´ 
                                                  ( :•  
                                                   ¸.•)  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9flEDRDzG-Q

What I've learned from all this though is just how amazingly deep people are.
All the words I've written here are just some shiny rocks I found in the soil of The Garden of My Mind that I dug out and polished for whoever cares to read.
We can interpret things a certain way
We can believe that interpretation
We can lie and delude ourselves or just be wrong
We can become that untruth
And not everyone can dig and polish these Rocks like I can
Not everyone has a convenient blog to show them all
All the Rocks we can't show people in real life
We can fail to express ourselves
Fear of rejection?
Fear of judgment?
Fear of being hurt? Fear of hurting?
Maybe just Fear of looking like an idiot.
I'm writing all this for a reason.
I pick each song for a reason.
SEE THAT
But I don't need to worry, do I?
We can just ignore my crazy delusions that I'm just getting out through my blog
They are not reality.
Reality is only what we take out from the depths of our Heart and Mind and put into the World
If we don't put it into the World then it's not real

But I see
And I wonder
And I feel
And I worry
And I Love
And so I write

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luM6oeCM7Yw

I read on facebook the other day:
"If Magic weren't ridiculous then it'd be called Science!"
So if I believe in Magic and also accept that it is not understandable by me then that leaves a lot of room for my absolutely out-of-control imagination to wonder.
I get some delusions now and then when my ego gets too big and I make stuff up in my head even though there's no actual evidence and I'm crazy AND unforgivably pretentious but maybe not so I wrote this silly poem.
I imagine I'll read it again someday and just laugh at how crazy I am and how fun it is to take imaginary ideas and pretend they're reality
But maybe it'll mean something to someone so that's worth putting it here
Or maybe in this alternate universe I've created in my Head I want to be able to say I Know. Not in an "I Told You So" sorta way though. Just an, "I Know."
     So here's a poem for a reality where our wants and desires are heard by an unseen Godly force that only some of us can feel and we battle each other for the things we want in the Sky and in our Dreams with our Hearts and our Love and all our actions in the "Real World" are actually a result, or at least greatly influenced, by the exchange and movement of energy in this other intangible realm.


     Ripples of Love

     Lightning and Wind
     Here comes a storm again
     Didn't mean to cause it
     though I know I did
     I see it's here 'cause I can read the sky
     Eyes of the Hawk—Heart of a Phoenix—Upon their wings I fly
     My Love is boundless, bold, and true
     But is it not too much for you?
     Tapping into infinity is no shallow thrill
     I'd die for it—You know that I will
     But we can Live for it instead
     No need for anyone to be dead
     We just need to get the hell out of our heads
     We're wise and far out and probably know way too much
     I know I can't stop thinking about the next time we'll touch
     And I'm sorry but you're wicked hot and I Love You
     Do you want me to train myself to not want to?
     'Cause that exercise ain't easy and it's hard to undo
     So what is it? What is it? What am I to you?
     Knight in Shining Armor or Panda on Puppet Strings?
     Man of Your Dreams or a Jump to Oblivion?
     And do you see the true me—the me that is yet to become?
     A man who maybe just maybe quite possibly could be someone?
     And who that someone is is not up for anyone else to decide!
     So here we all sit now. Are we enjoying the ride?
     The gusts knock me around and rain spatters my face
     I dance around electric strikes scarcely moving my place
     Imagine a man in the dead of dark on a cold winter night
     Rain drenching him as he rides with little sight.
     I am he, but laughing! Taking in every delight!
     I'm alive I'm alive! I really feel alive!
     Though I suppose there's something empty inside?
     Perhaps it's because I shoulda chose me
     I'm the only me that I wanna be
     And that me is definitely
     Someone I wanna see
     And he doesn't just stay here
     So he's gonna say Peace
     He sees what's goin' on even if you don't
     And he's got your best interests in mind—You've even got his best coats.
     Nothing I ever said was untrue
     But what do I know I don't know more than you
     That's probably why we're all here
     You do see what's going on, yes? My dear?
     Maybe you think I'm crazy but I'm under spiritual attack
     Not that I'm mad as it is quite automatic
     I Love You I Love You and you might think this is weird
     But let's all just hold hands and Let Go of our fears
     And can we please agree that Love and sex are pretty fucking weird?






I could be productive and write a science fiction novel or something but instead I'm just indulging in fantastic insanity. But that's why I'm putting it here. To get it out and show it. Then I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything and I can just BE MYSELF. I can just SAY IT HERE and MOVE ON and anyone who cares can figure it out. That's what the blog is for.

So I'm out on the other side
I'm over my wall
There's definitely another one in there somewhere
But for now the internal struggle is over
It was a great battle and people only got to see it through my dumb blog
But I triumphed and I know I did
And I'm stronger now than I have ever been
We can enjoy the next couple of days
Before the next adventure begins

Posted on my facebook a couple days ago:

It was a long winter for me.
I can't complain though—at least I don't mean to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mn0RV7edNUA
I spent a lot of time with my family, I was well fed and safe, and I pursued different artistic endeavors, meeting with the greatest of success that I even surprised myself with.

I struggled with failure and depression and I was a little crazy. I faced my insecurities and my neediness and my low self-worth. I was further embarrassed by just the fact of all this and anyone who reads my blog knows what I did to step past THAT.
Day by day, I tried to counter-act all this by living healthfully and with gratitude that we should all feel for the many blessings in our lives.
Running water, abundant food, warmth.
And of course, the many friends and Loved ones that helped me in some way every day.
It is a fine line being content with what you have and who you are, but also striving forward towards your goals and dreams and always trying to improve (not change) yourself.

If you're reading this then you're probably alive and if you're alive you probably have a dream and if you have a dream you CAN work towards making that dream a reality.
That's what all the blessings that we have in our lives are for.

I'm closer now to my dreams than I ever was before.

So with Spring being here and the aforementioned struggles mostly behind me, I'm ready to get back out there and continue striving.
I should be leaving in a week or so.
So with all of you, my friends! I want to share my plan!
Keep in mind, any "plan" is always subject to change, as anything can and will happen.
I'll be surprised if any of this shit works out the way I think it will lol
But it'll all work out somehow.
Anyways, The Bagel Plan:

I must reclaim my LionHeart!
I'm heading to Memphis to rescue it from a pawn shop...
There's an old blues legend there I must find named Cantankerous.
I hope to get a harmonica lesson from him.
Then I'm cutting East into Tennessee to find:
1. A Cheap Truck
2. A Food Cart
Not sure how long that'll take but I intend to drive the truck with food cart and bicycle in tow back home! So I won't even be out long, maybe a month!
I'm going to sell bagels from the food cart.
I need to be free
And that's the perfect way to generate some income without having to conform myself to a schedule or someone ELSE's vision/project or even a location.
The truck I'll be painting a bunch of wild colors and selling Grilled Peanut Butter and Jellies from it while traveling around and driving it to The Rainbow Family Gathering in July.

There'll probably be some extra room in that truck for the Rainbow Gathering, so if you are interested in a wild adventure to Hippie Wonderland, e-mail me your resume with cover letter and we'll get back to you.

Remember to follow your dreams ya'll!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EiM_-oSWzI






______________________________________________________
Update #2: Dreaming With My Eyes Open

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfOaH9CGL-Y

Months after not even touching my blog
Even though that last update was basically done
I realize this blog is (among other things) a coping mechanism
For all the emotions I don't know how to deal with.
The ones that hurt or are scary or just have to come out.
Except there's a part of me that enjoys them
And that part of me doesn't want to forget.
I want to remember these emotions.
I want to remember this feeling
When my Heart is pouring out of my fingertips like Fire
I'M on Fire.
My Heart is pumping and burning and I'm writing because I enjoy it and because I have this deep feeling that somehow someday they are going to matter to someone.

I am such a selfish fucking prick.
Everyone tells me I'm a great guy
And GOOD because I'm trying REALLY FUCKING HARD
But I'm usually just doing whatever I want.
I am not following the Dalai-Lama's advice (In the middle of his book now)
I am not devoting my life to the selfless helping of others
To "Alleviating the suffering of sentient beings through all of space."
All I can do is focus on myself and move forward in my life and help the people that cross my path as I can if I can.
That might sound like the attitude of a pretty good dude
But you gotta understand—I'm already on Top of The World

Clean Water
Food in Abundance
Health and Wealth
Existing in Peace with my Loving Family and Friends
The Luxury to work towards my Dreams all day everyday
The Luxury to rest whenever I want to
The Luxury to actually get depressed despite all this over sleeping in, or missing a girl or some other example of my emotions completely overtaking me.

The pain of that Heartache was so great.
I'm afraid of it again and I'm afraid of Her
I'm afraid she'll forget me or leave me or change Her mind about me or see something (like all THIS maybe) that she didn't see before and that'll disappoint Her or scare Her or


Gotta stay down to Earth.
When I get High she's up there.
NO
I have to FACE my FEARS.

EVERY. LITTLE. ONE.
Every insecurity ever worry every anxiety.
Every dumb crazy dark evil hateful insane hurtful idea that this World put into my Head that combine to give horrible ideas to I'm pretty fucking sure every one of us when two particular synapses fire at the same time.
Two ideas mixing together.
It's like making a risotto, what spice you gonna put in there?
idea; Think of Serial Killer
idea; Think of Mom
VVVVVVVVVVVV
How did your brain mix the two ideas?
Did you just imagine your Mom dead?
Or maybe he's busting in the door?
Or maybe you envisioned
Or maybe you saw
Or maybe you're brain didn't mix the ideas and you just have two separate images.
Or maybe you saw all this stuff and more
I don't know—it's YOUR brain!
Your Head.
Your Mind.

Let's put another spice in
remember; Mom, Serial Killer
idea; Superhero


Now whatcha thinkin' about?
Superman?
Or are You the superhero?
And who cares anyways
We're sitting at our computer not doing anything.
But our Minds are constantly taking information in.
Especially when you're out and about and you're interacting with people
Our Minds take in whatever we notice really.
If you're just thinkin' of nonsense all the time (like what you had for lunch and what you're going to have for dinner) and you never have any awareness then you won't notice much about what's going on.
If you pay attention people will have all sorts of signs all over telling you about them.
Or maybe this stuff that decorates people has no meaning to you
But it reminds you of something sub-consciously
And it is those unconscious memories that we have no conscious control over that determines our Emotion.
Or perhaps it only influences it?
Perhaps our conscious being can override the sub-conscious.
If not
Can anyone claim to have free-will?
What if we're just auto-piloting through our day?
Perhaps some people can not or simply do not over ride their sub-conscious
And perhaps it can be said that they do not have free-will?
At least not most of the time.
If someone smacks 'em in the face they'll probably wake up
And then they'll choose what to do
Or maybe not
Maybe they'll just react.
Some people though
Some people are awake all the time
They're noticing things all the time
So they see things coming sometimes
And can figure some way to respond
They can choose what to do when they get smacked in the face.

Every stimulus in our environment maps our consciousness.
We are creating ourself this very moment.
Even if it's something we already know
We simply reinforce that

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAJNm0ApPjk

And there it is.
I feel it.
Another Fear peeling away.

Once you realize your vulnerability to The Universe it takes a lot of faith just to Be.
Combine that realization with a healthy dose of Darkness and death may seem imminent.
The only way I found that I can Live is to Move Forward.
The only way I can Move Forward is
once again
to BELIEVE in myself.
Believe in who and what I am
Believe that I'm worth it
Believe that I AM up to it
That I can and will handle ANYTHING that comes at me
That I will not be led to destruction
That even when I am alone
I Will Survive.


https://www.facebook.com/BambooEtcetera/