I Want to Live Up to This
I Want to Show The World what that means
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po3rHOJ4UlM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX16j1WyZgI
I Want to Show The World what that means
The ol' NorthWay
Had this since I was eleven
Rode it to Brooklyn
Long Island
Montreal
UConn
Boston
With LionHeart waiting for me in Austin
Feels good being on NorthWay again
Fun Fact:
The first thing I did when I purchased LionHeart and got home was switch the seats
Rode it to Brooklyn
Long Island
Montreal
UConn
Boston
With LionHeart waiting for me in Austin
Feels good being on NorthWay again
Fun Fact:
The first thing I did when I purchased LionHeart and got home was switch the seats
The Northway's seat is sooo much softer than LionHeart's
I had to swap them lol
I had to swap them lol
Zane's Cycles!
This is where LionHeart is from!
Hands down one of the Best Bike Shops in The World
This is where LionHeart is from!
Hands down one of the Best Bike Shops in The World
There are so many different pursuits we can get into
So many different fields or activities we can pour our time and energy into
For Example
The world of cycling is AWESOME!
Some are in it for racing—Athleticism and Glory
Some are in it for touring—Travel and Adventure
Some are in it for sustainability—Freedom and Independence
Not so much the racing for me but Big Yes for the other two
I Just LOVE riding My Bike!
And it's that LOVE and that Passion that have gotten me this far and turned me into who I am
So many different fields or activities we can pour our time and energy into
For Example
The world of cycling is AWESOME!
Some are in it for racing—Athleticism and Glory
Some are in it for touring—Travel and Adventure
Some are in it for sustainability—Freedom and Independence
Not so much the racing for me but Big Yes for the other two
I Just LOVE riding My Bike!
And it's that LOVE and that Passion that have gotten me this far and turned me into who I am
And I'm still going!
Still Growing
Still Living and Still LOVING
Still Growing
Still Living and Still LOVING
Our brain creates associations when we have memorable experiences
Then The Universe can communicate with us in symbols
Or maybe I'm just Seeing what I Want to See
Maybe that's something we can't ever be sure of
And maybe that's the point
But one thing I am sure of
Is that I'M the one who decides to take the photo
I'M the one who decides to post it
Expressing All This
Or maybe I'm just Seeing what I Want to See
Maybe that's something we can't ever be sure of
And maybe that's the point
But one thing I am sure of
Is that I'M the one who decides to take the photo
I'M the one who decides to post it
Expressing All This
One of my favorite events
The New Haven St. Patrick's Day Parade
I scheduled my train ticket back to Austin just after so I could go
The New Haven St. Patrick's Day Parade
I scheduled my train ticket back to Austin just after so I could go
I Love this Parade!
Last year I had the Bagel Cart operating...
Which was Awesome!
Damn Fire Marshall shut me down
Last year I had the Bagel Cart operating...
Which was Awesome!
Damn Fire Marshall shut me down
Connecticut has way too many rules and regulations
This year I focused on taking photos
To go with this poem I wrote...
To go with this poem I wrote...
American Culture
Father Drinks
When he Drinks he is very expressive
His Jubilant dancing and singing
Usually gathers a lot of attention
But only those who really look at him
Will notice the Sad and Tired expression on his face
For folks at the Bar or Guests in the Home
His Excitement is Contagious
But for his Family
The Sadness and the Exhaustion are what is Infectious
And it is Sad
Watching him Drink another bottle
Watching him Hurt himself
Knowing he can't stop
Knowing he's going to Crash—soon
Knowing he'll blame anyone but himself
And it is Tiring
Watching him Drive off Drunk again
Watching him make another mess
Knowing We can't stop him
Knowing We're going to have to carry him—far
Knowing We'll have to clean it up
But for a little while when Father Drinks
His Anger and Frustration with himself is masked
Behind a not-quite-perfect seal of intoxication
Which really isn't worth the cost
On him or his family
But there's Bars and Package Stores and Drinking Buddies everywhere
We're All Sad and Tired
American Culture
So there really isn't much We can Do
Except Brace Ourselves
For The Crash
This is my (surviving) addiction
I fucking LOVE Peanut Butter
Any nut butter actually
I just started mixing in molasses and cinnamon and omg
If I didn't control myself I could eat an entire container
I fucking LOVE Peanut Butter
Any nut butter actually
I just started mixing in molasses and cinnamon and omg
If I didn't control myself I could eat an entire container
Luckily self-control is what we've been working on for a while
So I only eat like a forth of the container at a time
Usually with an Apple or a Banan
My Favorite
So I only eat like a forth of the container at a time
Usually with an Apple or a Banan
My Favorite
New England Snow Storm
Poor Pussy Willow ):
The snow killed it
My Father Loved This Tree
The snow killed it
My Father Loved This Tree
We lost two other trees too
The snow was really clumpy and heavy so it'd accumulate on the branches and weigh the trees down 'til they snapped
The snow was really clumpy and heavy so it'd accumulate on the branches and weigh the trees down 'til they snapped
The falling trees take out power lines
My Brother and I were out in it helping out around the neighborhood
Dug a couple stuck cars out so our neighbors could get home
And a couple driveways so people could get out
Glad I was Home for this
Glad I was Home for this
Luckily Jerry
The Cherry Tree I planted before I left last Summer
Survived
The Cherry Tree I planted before I left last Summer
Survived
At least we have a bunch of firewood now!
Damn it!
I just got this bad-ass Hatchet-Hammer in New Orleans!
Thing was Legendary!!!
I just got this bad-ass Hatchet-Hammer in New Orleans!
Thing was Legendary!!!
Ahhhhhhh!!!
My Poor Bamboo Thicket!!!
My Poor Bamboo Thicket!!!
Luckily this stuff can bend!
I pulled a bunch out of the snow and they just stand right back up!
A lot of them broke though
In case you don't know
My rule is I never cut down a Healthy Green Growing piece of Bamboo
I only harvest naturally felled or dead stalks
I pulled a bunch out of the snow and they just stand right back up!
A lot of them broke though
In case you don't know
My rule is I never cut down a Healthy Green Growing piece of Bamboo
I only harvest naturally felled or dead stalks
Welp—At least I got a plentiful supply of Bamboo now
I'll call it...
Blizzard Bamboo!
Found these in my back yard
I'd really like to learn about wild mushrooms
This one is Exidia Recisa—Brown Witch's Butter
There's a lot about the nature of my home I don't know
I suppose I won't be learning about that traveling...
But one day I'd like to have the knowledge and skills to be able to survive in the woods of New England with just gear and a Hatchet
A Hatchet that doesn't break...
This one is Exidia Recisa—Brown Witch's Butter
There's a lot about the nature of my home I don't know
I suppose I won't be learning about that traveling...
But one day I'd like to have the knowledge and skills to be able to survive in the woods of New England with just gear and a Hatchet
A Hatchet that doesn't break...
The Alphabet of Positivity
Must Stay Positive!
Must Stay Positive!
The Dream Map
Must Keep Working Towards Dreams!
Must Keep Working Towards Dreams!
Some people ride a bicycle across the country in like 3 months
We're comin' up to 3 years now
And I'm only like half-way
I'm complicated...
It almost feels like a sort of double life
I go out and gain and change
And come back with Treasure
Wisdom and Knowledge
Skills and Technique
Experience
And Precious Items and Artifacts
Then I rejoin my circles
I go out and gain and change
And come back with Treasure
Wisdom and Knowledge
Skills and Technique
Experience
And Precious Items and Artifacts
Then I rejoin my circles
Except my circles have disbanded
My friends have scattered
And I'm no longer Me
Well I am
Of course
But the Journey changes me
Day by Day
So when I return
My Friends and Family don't know who they're looking at anymore
And I'm not really around enough to maintain strong relationships
And I find myself alone
And I'll be leaving again
So I can't commit to endeavors
(Also no one will hire me)
There is Romance in Travel
There are many challenges as well
Hitting The Road is definitely The Best and Worst thing you can do
At the Same Time
Not that I'm complaining
I know how blessed I am
To have what I have
My Family
All this Love in my Life
And to be able to do what I do
Just... Wow.
I am so fucking lucky
My friends have scattered
And I'm no longer Me
Well I am
Of course
But the Journey changes me
Day by Day
So when I return
My Friends and Family don't know who they're looking at anymore
And I'm not really around enough to maintain strong relationships
And I find myself alone
And I'll be leaving again
So I can't commit to endeavors
(Also no one will hire me)
There are many challenges as well
Hitting The Road is definitely The Best and Worst thing you can do
At the Same Time
Not that I'm complaining
I know how blessed I am
To have what I have
My Family
All this Love in my Life
And to be able to do what I do
Just... Wow.
I am so fucking lucky
But I'm also only human
And things have been really hard
I guess it's all relative
I'm not in a war-zone
And things have been really hard
I guess it's all relative
I'm not in a war-zone
We live in a land of Peace and Abundance
My Family is surviving
But I've had My Struggles
They're all shown here on the blog pretty much
I don't know
Maybe I'm weak
But we all want Beauty
Right?
In some way
In our selves
In our lives
My Family is surviving
But I've had My Struggles
They're all shown here on the blog pretty much
I don't know
Maybe I'm weak
But we all want Beauty
Right?
In some way
In our selves
In our lives
Right?
It's not something that can be quantified
And if it could you wouldn't want to
Obviously—Right?
But it was the most Beautiful thing I'd ever seen
It was probably the most Beautiful experience of my Life
All of this
ALL OF THIS
This is Everything that I've worked for
Everything I care about
My Future
Something I Want to share with You
And maintain its Beauty
How do you expect me to Just be okay after I lose You?
How am I supposed to Just shrug that off?
Who am I even going to be without My Love for You to guide me?
Why do I have to be ALONE?
What AM I if I lose this?
Love—Meaning—Anything May Topple
Can you imagine what I'd be if these moments were corrupted?
How could I be worth so little to you?
Can you comprehend the monster I could be if I had No Love?
No Concept of The Sacred
No Respect for My Sister
No Desire for Beauty
Why do I have to be ALONE?
What AM I if I lose this?
Love—Meaning—Anything May Topple
Can you imagine what I'd be if these moments were corrupted?
How could I be worth so little to you?
Can you comprehend the monster I could be if I had No Love?
No Concept of The Sacred
No Respect for My Sister
No Desire for Beauty
It was only when I reached for You
And You did not reach back
That I began to question if it was Right or Wrong
Yin/Yang
And all manner of questions spanning infinity that I do not know the answer to
And rather than accept and let go like you are so able to somehow
I choose to strive
With Everything I Am
Towards your direction
I wanted You to See—Feel—The Meaning in our Choices
Who we choose to spend our Time with
Who we choose to spend our Time with
And When we choose to Push and Strive for someone
What we do to get to them
How we serve them
How far we'll Go
How we'll Fight
That's what matters
Love
When I hear a song I can apply the song to one, two, or all of You
Depending on the emotions the song inspires
And the ideas—if they relate to our Story
That is—which story/stories they connect with
THIS is My Story.
Some themes overlap
I can See
I Love these emotions
I Love You.
I Love my Self and Who and What I am
I Love My Way
That I chose
Navigating this crazy World
I Want to be
I AM
A Man of Action
Of My Word
I Stand for Justice
I Fight for Love and Peace
I Work for the same
And for Health and Prosperity
But when You leave me in The Cold
When I'm calling for You
When I Need You
The Fire Dies Down
And I have to move on
I have to find Warmth
But I won't throw away or otherwise dishonor or disrespect our memories and what they mean to me
So I opt to Carry it all with me
Just like I said I would
I'm still asking and praying for You—at least one of You
I'm still crying for all of You
You each had your turn to hurt me
When Sister crawls into my tent again
Last time I Just Turtled
She Wanted me and she was Beautiful and I was hungry but I was working for all of You and I Believed in that
So after all three of Your rejections in a row
(How does that even happen?)
I Do Not Have the Strength any more.
When Sister crawls into my tent
I'm going to eat Her.
And thusly
She'll eat My Love for All of You
Not All of it—My Core is Built from different parts of all of You
The Core of My Love
There will always be space etched out in My Heart
That's part of carrying You with Me
Roots.
But she'll eat all my Fruit
That I Wanted to Give to You
But that's what she gets for watering and feeding me
God I tried so hard for each of you
I'll keep asking for You until the last minute
Until that glorious moment when the Heart clicks
Light being caught in a Gravitational Field and being pulled in
Someone once said—accused—"Hedging your bets, eh?"
More like carrying 3 times the weight
And I made it to You too
And I Loved—Love—You as You abandoned me
That was—is—My Triumph
Fuck this Hurts
I'm so fucking lonely
I'm so fucking hungry
My Heart Needs
I've always struggled but it was never like this
What have you Done to me?
Don't you care?
God Damn It...
Some people want fancy things.
Fast Cars and Shiny Jewelry
That's Vanity I guess?
Some people want lots of money and Stuff
Avarice and Greed I guess?
Some people Just want to Consume without ceasing
Gluttony—I guess
Some people don't want to Work or exert themselves
Slothfulness I guess
Some people want to feel Powerful and take pleasure from peoples' Pain
And I guess that's Wrath
My sin has always been Lust
I blame discovering pornography at an early age...
But for most of my Life I've Wanted and Wanted Daily and Constantly
It wasn't until I started getting away from that stuff and working on myself so I could Give and not just Want to Take and instead Want to work towards a Higher Goal
Y'know—The Dream that led to this blog
And—Y'know—Creating Meaningful and Trusting Relationships
That I actually started finding exactly those things.
I created them in my Life
And within it all I found a Deeper Love of Life and of People than I ever had before
That process of "Awakening" has led me right here
LionHeart awaits me in Austin—I plan to ride Northwest to Colorado—wwoofing as much as I can
And all the Meaningful and Trusting Relationships I tried to make
Relationships that Taught Me What Love Is
Relationships that Showed Me So Much about My Self
Relationships that Allowed Me to Learn and Explore and Grow
Relationships that were Real Life to Me.
Relationships that Opened up my Consciousness to Magic and Beauty and Wonder and Light
Relationships that—because I experienced—I'd be at Peace if I died today
Relationships that meant Everything to Me.
Well they're all gone now
I guess
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I guess the plan is to wait as long as I can
I've been thrown away or otherwise excused by all the women I've Loved passionately in my life.
And I don't Want to Sound like I'm whining
so we can just assume that it's all my fault
But if I'm going to keep living I can not exist alone for extended periods of time
I Need Love in my Life or I lose all my motivation and become very imbalanced.
I was already pushing it in Austin before Christmas and that was before I was simply completely rejected by all the women I was Burning and Yearning for
I understand that life is long (if we SURVIVE) and things'll be a lot different ten-twenty years from now
So who knows I might be let back inside again one day
And I'm trying to make it to that day
But who is going to Hold Me Now?
I guess this means I'm Single and Ready to Mingle but I'm not too excited as what I understand to be Love—My Love—appears to have been defeated and destroyed and is simply Unwanted and I'm in a state of Hurtful Crisis
I'll be honest—The Lord Gives me Strength
Faith is like Cheat Codes for Life
Except I guess it's not Cheating it's more like Magic
So that's Cool
So I'm trying to see the positive here
I'm Free and can engage in Shenanigans
Except I don't Want Shenanigans I Want Love and I Want to be Healthy and Balanced and working towards My Goals for the future
(All of which are meaningless without Love)
I'm being Melodramatic
Someone will eventually Hold my Hand
I Just don't know what I'm gonna tell that person when they do
I Just Hope they Love to Ride Bikes
I guess I Need to make new memories
I'm not sure where to put the other ones
The Wind through Her Hair
Her Smile at some Unexpected Little Thing
Her Laugh at My Wit
When I saw all of you in The Stars
All those different hues in my Heart
All those days working to get to Them
All those lonely Nights thinking of Them
All The PASSION I have for Them
Those moments of Darkness that memories of them lifted me out of
Moments I'd of fallen—died—but was saved by those Beautiful memories
Saved by My Desire to See any one of you again
Saved by My Love for My Sister!
I don't know how to rewire my brain so that they're not the ones I hold above all the others
I consciously set this stuff in my Head I don't know how to undo it all
I altered my subconscious on purpose to get to You and honor You and keep You
I created associations to give You each Power within me
I guess I Need to figure it out though
I guess I Need to leave it all behind me
Cherished Little Trinkets
A Bead with a Smiling Sun wearing Sunglasses
A Little Brown Turtle that I never figured how to Wear
A Beautiful Green Stone that fell off The Tree of Life
Enchanted Clothes
A Magical Universe Hoodie that belonged to a Dead Brother of mine that I wore through countless adventures over thousands of miles that I guess is Trashed now
A Magical Universe Hoodie that belonged to a Dead Brother of mine that I wore through countless adventures over thousands of miles that I guess is Trashed now
A Pin Adorned Jacket that made me feel Cool for the first time in my life
A Plaid Sweater that got me through so so so much Cold
Does it matter I'm writing all this in tears?
Does it matter I'd still do anything I could do ensure your Health and Safety?
Does it matter that's what I'd always wanted to be for all of You?
Just—as in simply—your ally, your team mate, your friend.
And if I could be your Lover too I would be
And if we could go on Adventures together we would
And if we could all be friends wouldn't that be just fine
Do any of these desires and emotions matter?
To any of You?
To Protect my own Self
I can conclude you are each very Foolish
Ha!
I attest it is unwise to remove me as an ally from your life
Though I refuse to reject you in turn so You don't actually Lose me
I'm Just not being utilized
(So maybe You're actually super savvy...)
Regardless—I'M AMAZING!!!
And I fully expect to see each of You again
Maybe it'll be when you get around to reading this (lol)
Or maybe it won't be for twenty years
When I invite you to Bastion
I don't know—But in this present moment
I know I did Everything I could
Beyond any and all reasonable limits
I expressed myself fully and Truly
And did not receive what I Need to Thrive
And have been asked to leave.
It's not easy
Creating all these Dreams with each of You
Fighting The World My Mind Above Below and Working Working Working
Finding so much Meaning
My Depth of Emotions for You literally paralyzing me at Times
And I'm Thankful for ALL of this
But it's not easy
Getting to You and thinking I had finally made it only to be thrown away.
Twice.
And You didn't Want to see me...
But I Triumphed.
I'm not Bitter
I'm not Cursing any of You
I'm not even evicting You from My Heart
But I'm Done Holding On when None of y'all wanna be Held
And I Need to be Held...
So there's the problem right there.
I'd like to be Excited for Life again
Not in a constant state of Pain and Anxiety and Loneliness
I don't know how to do it
I don't know how to maintain a relationship if You're not right in front of me
It doesn't work
Texting doesn't work Messaging doesn't work Phone calls don't work This dumb fucking Blog obviously doesn't work I don't know how to do it
It doesn't need to be done for me
My Love is Solid
I guess Yours is more powdery I think maybe Yours is like gaseous or something and Yours must be electric
Or maybe I've been delusional the entire time
There was some line some clear moment when I was supposed to Give Up
I was supposed to get the hint or be hurt enough to lose my Love or just somehow fucking Understand that Love is Over and we're done and go away and who are you anyways dude
And my response of being hurt and shrugging it off and holding on to the moments and the emotions and Hope for all the Dreams I'm trying to create with each of you translates to reality as creepy and obsessive and what is this guy up to anyways who the fuck knows he's crazy or weird and I'm quite done with him thanks anyways.
I'm not trying to denounce anyone—I fucked things up clearly
I'm distant—literally
I Love these other women this isn't acceptable
I'm chaotic and sporadic and this is impossible to deal with
Fuck—I don't know
But I Do know what I'm doing with all of You
I won't put any of you down at all
Not in My Heart
Not in My Mind
I won't accept it at all
You All mean so much to me
You are always Welcome
In My Home—Among my Circles—On My Adventures
If you ever Need anything
Help or Resources or Stuff or a Retreat
Just Call Me
I'll Be Around
That's A Promise
Written Here for Everyone to See
That's the Deal
That's what I'm doing with My Love
That's who I AM.
Somehow Moving On
Whilst Hoping You're All Waiting For Me at The End Still
Somehow Letting Go
Whilst Carrying Everything With Me Still
Somehow Loving Again
Whilst Loving Each of You Still
Somehow Above The Ground
Whilst Working Towards My Dreams Still
Somehow Striving Forward
Whilst Fighting The Good Fight Still
This Tree
I Give You My Love
Take, please, as much as you want
And look upon what My Love has created—a Tree
This Tree is My Love
My Love for the Calm and Quiet Winter
a time to hold another close
to keep hope for warmth in our bodies
And so too is This Tree My Love for Miraculous Spring
a time of new possibilities
to keep dreams of the future in our Hearts
And This Tree that is My Love is in full bloom for the Wild Summer
a time of passion and sunshine
to keep desire for the Beautiful in our souls
And at last My Love has become This Tree for majestic Autumn
a time to rejoice and honor
to keep gratitude for our many gifts in our Minds
And that is the season of My Love in which you receive This Tree
Blow through and take my leaves
I thank you for it
Take a branch
Cut me down
It is all yours for the taking
Sell it
Reject it
Burn it
It will still be yours
Others have also come
Some have taken a branch
Some have tried to cut it down
yet still it stands
It has been sold and rejected and burned
Now
perhaps because of each visitor
it is strong
And I allow many to come
and take as they need
It is painful, often
but it is also how This Tree grows
By giving itself away
So please, please, oh please
take This Tree
because there are few others in the World
whom I would want to have it as much as You
And because no one
has ever
blown through me
Just for my leaves
as you have.
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