With Honest and Clear Intention, I choose Best Action for the Good of All

That was my new meditation mantra (or Power Stance as I was calling it) at the time of this writing
March 2016
Just about One Year Ago
I guess I decided the posting of this would not have had the most Honest and Clearest Intentions
Or perhaps was not for the Good of All
Or maybe I was just frustrated by the ASCII Shooting Star and didn't want to bother putting snippets of my Self and Life on the internet anymore and wanted to Just LIVE
So Live I did—I suppose
But that'll be the next post
Posting it one year later
Here is Where We Were:


It's hard to not look back
Plus I never said I wouldn't

I said I'd die if I didn't make it
Not if I couldn't Let Go

I've said a lot of things
I don't think I can remember them all

Some things maybe I needed to say then aren't the same anymore
Some things go back and forth
Some things are just hidden away in a box

I'm one of those last things right now
It's a really nice box—My Favorite in fact
But trapped in a box is trapped in a box

That's what it feels like anyways after having experienced the freedom of that bicycle
The freedom of just being out there away from home not knowing where I was going or what I'd find
And when I found something—now THAT was the BEST

I want to believe it all happened for a reason

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-zfmpxjPCU

So now this blog is about me going crazy.
Or maybe it's about how Love drives ya' crazy.
Like, let us not beat around the bush.
Clearly, I am crazy.
You gotta be crazy these days to quit your jobs, sell your shit, and jump into the unknown to live on your bicycle.
And I want to keep doing that. I want to sleep on the street and I want to be alone and I want to cry all day and I want to sweat and I want to bleed and I WANT TO SUFFER.
I want all this because I need to want all this in order to do it. In order to get back out there.
Because what I really need isn't a hook-up or a girlfriend or a 6-pack or a shiny car or all the money, sex, and drugs I can reasonably enjoy before it all goes numb.
I need to be Stronger. Stronger than who I am now. Strong enough to support the people I Love. Strong enough to make the right decisions. Strong enough to not be daunted by the risks and the loneliness and whatever pain may come my way.
I want to be strong enough to survive.
I want to be strong enough to be free
whether I'm alone or not.

But I don't want to be alone.

There we go. That's what we want, right?
Paradise.
Love and Music and Fun.
All the time.
Except I'm in Connecticut stuck in the Paradise that is my parents' House.
I'll get down to Florida and just live on the beach eventually.
For now though I'd like to find somebody to connect with

http://m.okcupid.com/profile/FreeLovinJustin?cf=regular

Oh yes, it's back to the exciting world of okcupid.
If you are unfamiliar with this world
Well, it's probably best that way.
I learned all about serendipity on the Road but it hasn't been working lately
Probably because my Heart isn't actually open to letting someone else in
But that didn't stop me from sending a bunch of messages to some nice ladies to see if they wanted to hang out.

I'll be around your area Wednesday maybe so if we hustle with the online message part we can chill


Quick! Ask whatever questions you need to know the answers to in order to feel comfortable! Go go go! 

Why are you here
Orel you
Or will you* 

That's the -best- question to ask someone on here.
I'm too honest and I bet you're not gonna wanna hang out with me, but oh well haha.


I'm going through a bunch of internal changes right now on both a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. On a good day I feel like I can do anything, and I do. On a bad day, I'm depressed and can barely get out of bed. I don't actually want to bring anyone into this more than they'd be interested in observing it, plus I'm planning on hitting The Road again soon. But damn I could use some company.
More than anything I want to make Love with someone. I've never been a dude "just looking for sex" but I've sort of been reduced to that now and it's frustrating because I know how bull shit the whole endeavor is. I want to have a meaningful relationship with someone but I don't think there'll be the time for them to get me at all.
So I'm on here just testing girls to see if any of them will see past my attempts to scare them away with this rambling or the arrogant facade I put on my profile. I used to come on here and basically prostrate myself to women in the hopes they'll give me a chance. Now I know how awesome I am so rather than put myself beneath women I'll pretend I'm above them and see if any rise up to me.


tl;dr It's hard to summarize or pin-point as I'm a complicated multi-facted being, and I'm open to whatever, but I definitely seek some level of intimacy, physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental (but preferably physical, as that's what I'm missing from my life now).
If you enjoyed reading that, check out my blog


If not, we probably won't vibe anyways
Unless you just want to be held by someone, or fuck, in which case you're beautiful and while it's true I'll be around there on Wednesday I'd go out of my way to meet you for the reasons detailed above
See, I'm so fucking done with games.
I'm me. I'm real.
That first message was a joke
But then you asked a good question.


So simple
Why are you here?
Fucking brilliant. I Love you already


So why are -you- here? 

whoa that's a lot of words
i get what you're saying and i don't want to straight up be like fuck off dude but there is just so much stuff in there that i don't feel like dealing with because i've been through the ringer and i'm just looking for like hey let s fuck goodby


Well shit! How did I mess up Hey let's Fuck goodbye!?

So in retrospect we can look at this and determine two things, based on if we interpret this positively or negatively.

From a positive point of view, I'm just on another level of expression thanks to all the massive amount of time I spend self-reflecting, journaling, thinking, meditating, blogging, etcetera and am ready to DIVE DEEP at a moment's notice.

On the other side, I am clearly in a very emotionally vulnerable state and barely keeping it together. My emotional desperation is obvious from how I simply pour my Heart out at this lady when all she did was ask "Why are you here?"

I can see how my genuine expression could be misinterpreted though.

• 
  You are so fucking pretentious

And then I broke out in hives.

Allergies? Or a curse?

Curses are actually great things!

The whole point is to figure out why and do something about it.

So I was frustrated.

I still felt I was incomplete.

I felt I needed someone and didn't understand or accept why I was being punished

I had got all that stuff out with the last blog post and felt great

But it didn't last.

I accepted myself

But I couldn't draw Love from myself for myself.

And without the ability to do that I was still in a position where I needed Love from others—specifically women.
If we can't and don't Love ourselves it has a serious effect on our ego.
We just go around looking for redemption.
If someone else Loves us they can fill our cup for us

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6K40XHeHlo

So I watched some videos like that and I did more of my usual meditation/journaling/reflecting and I hung out with her and I learned a lot as I always do and then I realized what I had to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6mkYz4mx0

What I could do, now.

I'm only free after 8. New haven is between us, we could do coffee and walk around if it's nice out/if coffee shops start closing on us. Say 8:20 so I don't keep you waiting, at blue state on York?
(Also, please confirm or deny plans so I actually show up. Thanks!)

Hey Laura, you're awesome but I don't think I can make it tonight.

I realized that the only thing stopping me was me, as usual.

The culmination of all the negativity I absorbed for months had finally been let out of its cage and I had to deal with him—Some sort of Nega-Justin
Some of it came from people that disapproved or judged and some came from what my perception of society would think and some came from signs but it all affected me because I let it in. I took on the guilt and I judged myself and I tried myself and I couldn't control MY Mind and I couldn't figure out what was up or down and that's just what happened.
And the constant barrage of all this negativity that I could no longer shield myself from fed that side of myself.

That Dark side I wrote about last time
But Just because we've accepted our Self doesn't mean we should move backwards!
(Okcupid is definitely backwards!!)

For the past three months, since returning home for Christmas, I have been filled with self-doubt.
I've been depressed and I've been confused about God and reality and nothing has made sense.
Is it all real or a dream?
Is life meaningless?
Do we have any control at all?
I'm with my family and I'm in a warm bed and I get warm food I shouldn't be sad like this I should be following my dreams but I can barely gather myself to get out during the weekends I'm so fucking weak why why why
FUCK I just want to be HELD by someone AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3jLkJrhHKQ

My lack of faith in my Heart and my Mind
In My Self
Is what caused all this.

And my lack of Faith in Her as well
And for that I am ashamed. Embarrassing as all this is, none of this other shit bothers me personally to admit to on my blog, but doubting her is what truly caused all this in the first place and brings sadness to my Heart.
At least I was wise enough to know that the whole time though.
I never blamed Her.
But I couldn't Let Go either
I tried.
I tried in a million fucking ways again and again
I could not do it.
And I don't give a shit if you think I'm obsessed or crazy or out of line
You don't know what I felt.
I hope you do though one day
I wish everyone in the World could feel that way
But maybe not everyone is ready—look what it did to me!
Love is POWERFUL
Without Loving myself first and without being my ideal self by myself this need for Her was born.
My pure intentions from Love were corrupted by my desire to hold on to Her and use Her for what She gave to me.
Purpose and Direction. Peace and Elation. Confidence and Self-Worth.
Love.
How do I get to Her!?
What Mountain do I climb?
What Dragon do I slay?
THE REAL WORLD ISN'T A FAIRY TALE JUSTIN
THE MOUNTAIN IS IN YOUR MIND AND THE DRAGON IS IN YOUR HEART


I went to my usual place

I meditated and I spoke to The Stars and they answered me

The next day
I drove up to see Her.








































                                             






                                                      .                                                     ./|\,                                                <-=☆=->                                                     '\|/`                                                      .'.                                                  (.•´                                                  ( `•.¸                                                   `•.¸ )                                                     ¸.•)´                                                  (.•´                                                  ( `•.¸                                                   `•.¸ )                                                   ¸.•)´ 
                                                  ( :•  
                                                   ¸.•)  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9flEDRDzG-Q

What I've learned from all this though is just how amazingly deep people are.
All the words I've written here are just some shiny rocks I found in the soil of The Garden of My Mind that I dug out and polished for whoever cares to read.
We can interpret things a certain way
We can believe that interpretation
We can lie and delude ourselves or just be wrong
We can become that untruth
And not everyone can dig and polish these Rocks like I can
Not everyone has a convenient blog to show them all
All the Rocks we can't show people in real life
We can fail to express ourselves
Fear of rejection?
Fear of judgment?
Fear of being hurt? Fear of hurting?
Maybe just Fear of looking like an idiot.
I'm writing all this for a reason.
I pick each song for a reason.
SEE THAT
But I don't need to worry, do I?
We can just ignore my crazy delusions that I'm just getting out through my blog
They are not reality.
Reality is only what we take out from the depths of our Heart and Mind and put into the World
If we don't put it into the World then it's not real

But I see
And I wonder
And I feel
And I worry
And I Love
And so I write

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luM6oeCM7Yw

I read on facebook the other day:
"If Magic weren't ridiculous then it'd be called Science!"
So if I believe in Magic and also accept that it is not understandable by me then that leaves a lot of room for my absolutely out-of-control imagination to wonder.
I get some delusions now and then when my ego gets too big and I make stuff up in my head even though there's no actual evidence and I'm crazy AND unforgivably pretentious but maybe not so I wrote this silly poem.
I imagine I'll read it again someday and just laugh at how crazy I am and how fun it is to take imaginary ideas and pretend they're reality
But maybe it'll mean something to someone so that's worth putting it here
Or maybe in this alternate universe I've created in my Head I want to be able to say I Know. Not in an "I Told You So" sorta way though. Just an, "I Know."
     So here's a poem for a reality where our wants and desires are heard by an unseen Godly force that only some of us can feel and we battle each other for the things we want in the Sky and in our Dreams with our Hearts and our Love and all our actions in the "Real World" are actually a result, or at least greatly influenced, by the exchange and movement of energy in this other intangible realm.


     Ripples of Love

     Lightning and Wind
     Here comes a storm again
     Didn't mean to cause it
     though I know I did
     I see it's here 'cause I can read the sky
     Eyes of the Hawk—Heart of a Phoenix—Upon their wings I fly
     My Love is boundless, bold, and true
     But is it not too much for you?
     Tapping into infinity is no shallow thrill
     I'd die for it—You know that I will
     But we can Live for it instead
     No need for anyone to be dead
     We just need to get the hell out of our heads
     We're wise and far out and probably know way too much
     I know I can't stop thinking about the next time we'll touch
     And I'm sorry but you're wicked hot and I Love You
     Do you want me to train myself to not want to?
     'Cause that exercise ain't easy and it's hard to undo
     So what is it? What is it? What am I to you?
     Knight in Shining Armor or Panda on Puppet Strings?
     Man of Your Dreams or a Jump to Oblivion?
     And do you see the true me—the me that is yet to become?
     A man who maybe just maybe quite possibly could be someone?
     And who that someone is is not up for anyone else to decide!
     So here we all sit now. Are we enjoying the ride?
     The gusts knock me around and rain spatters my face
     I dance around electric strikes scarcely moving my place
     Imagine a man in the dead of dark on a cold winter night
     Rain drenching him as he rides with little sight.
     I am he, but laughing! Taking in every delight!
     I'm alive I'm alive! I really feel alive!
     Though I suppose there's something empty inside?
     Perhaps it's because I shoulda chose me
     I'm the only me that I wanna be
     And that me is definitely
     Someone I wanna see
     And he doesn't just stay here
     So he's gonna say Peace
     He sees what's goin' on even if you don't
     And he's got your best interests in mind—You've even got his best coats.
     Nothing I ever said was untrue
     But what do I know I don't know more than you
     That's probably why we're all here
     You do see what's going on, yes? My dear?
     Maybe you think I'm crazy but I'm under spiritual attack
     Not that I'm mad as it is quite automatic
     I Love You I Love You and you might think this is weird
     But let's all just hold hands and Let Go of our fears
     And can we please agree that Love and sex are pretty fucking weird?






I could be productive and write a science fiction novel or something but instead I'm just indulging in fantastic insanity. But that's why I'm putting it here. To get it out and show it. Then I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything and I can just BE MYSELF. I can just SAY IT HERE and MOVE ON and anyone who cares can figure it out. That's what the blog is for.

So I'm out on the other side
I'm over my wall
There's definitely another one in there somewhere
But for now the internal struggle is over
It was a great battle and people only got to see it through my dumb blog
But I triumphed and I know I did
And I'm stronger now than I have ever been
We can enjoy the next couple of days
Before the next adventure begins

Posted on my facebook a couple days ago:

It was a long winter for me.
I can't complain though—at least I don't mean to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mn0RV7edNUA
I spent a lot of time with my family, I was well fed and safe, and I pursued different artistic endeavors, meeting with the greatest of success that I even surprised myself with.

I struggled with failure and depression and I was a little crazy. I faced my insecurities and my neediness and my low self-worth. I was further embarrassed by just the fact of all this and anyone who reads my blog knows what I did to step past THAT.
Day by day, I tried to counter-act all this by living healthfully and with gratitude that we should all feel for the many blessings in our lives.
Running water, abundant food, warmth.
And of course, the many friends and Loved ones that helped me in some way every day.
It is a fine line being content with what you have and who you are, but also striving forward towards your goals and dreams and always trying to improve (not change) yourself.

If you're reading this then you're probably alive and if you're alive you probably have a dream and if you have a dream you CAN work towards making that dream a reality.
That's what all the blessings that we have in our lives are for.

I'm closer now to my dreams than I ever was before.

So with Spring being here and the aforementioned struggles mostly behind me, I'm ready to get back out there and continue striving.
I should be leaving in a week or so.
So with all of you, my friends! I want to share my plan!
Keep in mind, any "plan" is always subject to change, as anything can and will happen.
I'll be surprised if any of this shit works out the way I think it will lol
But it'll all work out somehow.
Anyways, The Bagel Plan:

I must reclaim my LionHeart!
I'm heading to Memphis to rescue it from a pawn shop...
There's an old blues legend there I must find named Cantankerous.
I hope to get a harmonica lesson from him.
Then I'm cutting East into Tennessee to find:
1. A Cheap Truck
2. A Food Cart
Not sure how long that'll take but I intend to drive the truck with food cart and bicycle in tow back home! So I won't even be out long, maybe a month!
I'm going to sell bagels from the food cart.
I need to be free
And that's the perfect way to generate some income without having to conform myself to a schedule or someone ELSE's vision/project or even a location.
The truck I'll be painting a bunch of wild colors and selling Grilled Peanut Butter and Jellies from it while traveling around and driving it to The Rainbow Family Gathering in July.

There'll probably be some extra room in that truck for the Rainbow Gathering, so if you are interested in a wild adventure to Hippie Wonderland, e-mail me your resume with cover letter and we'll get back to you.

Remember to follow your dreams ya'll!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EiM_-oSWzI






______________________________________________________
Update #2: Dreaming With My Eyes Open

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfOaH9CGL-Y

Months after not even touching my blog
Even though that last update was basically done
I realize this blog is (among other things) a coping mechanism
For all the emotions I don't know how to deal with.
The ones that hurt or are scary or just have to come out.
Except there's a part of me that enjoys them
And that part of me doesn't want to forget.
I want to remember these emotions.
I want to remember this feeling
When my Heart is pouring out of my fingertips like Fire
I'M on Fire.
My Heart is pumping and burning and I'm writing because I enjoy it and because I have this deep feeling that somehow someday they are going to matter to someone.

I am such a selfish fucking prick.
Everyone tells me I'm a great guy
And GOOD because I'm trying REALLY FUCKING HARD
But I'm usually just doing whatever I want.
I am not following the Dalai-Lama's advice (In the middle of his book now)
I am not devoting my life to the selfless helping of others
To "Alleviating the suffering of sentient beings through all of space."
All I can do is focus on myself and move forward in my life and help the people that cross my path as I can if I can.
That might sound like the attitude of a pretty good dude
But you gotta understand—I'm already on Top of The World

Clean Water
Food in Abundance
Health and Wealth
Existing in Peace with my Loving Family and Friends
The Luxury to work towards my Dreams all day everyday
The Luxury to rest whenever I want to
The Luxury to actually get depressed despite all this over sleeping in, or missing a girl or some other example of my emotions completely overtaking me.

The pain of that Heartache was so great.
I'm afraid of it again and I'm afraid of Her
I'm afraid she'll forget me or leave me or change Her mind about me or see something (like all THIS maybe) that she didn't see before and that'll disappoint Her or scare Her or


Gotta stay down to Earth.
When I get High she's up there.
NO
I have to FACE my FEARS.

EVERY. LITTLE. ONE.
Every insecurity ever worry every anxiety.
Every dumb crazy dark evil hateful insane hurtful idea that this World put into my Head that combine to give horrible ideas to I'm pretty fucking sure every one of us when two particular synapses fire at the same time.
Two ideas mixing together.
It's like making a risotto, what spice you gonna put in there?
idea; Think of Serial Killer
idea; Think of Mom
VVVVVVVVVVVV
How did your brain mix the two ideas?
Did you just imagine your Mom dead?
Or maybe he's busting in the door?
Or maybe you envisioned
Or maybe you saw
Or maybe you're brain didn't mix the ideas and you just have two separate images.
Or maybe you saw all this stuff and more
I don't know—it's YOUR brain!
Your Head.
Your Mind.

Let's put another spice in
remember; Mom, Serial Killer
idea; Superhero


Now whatcha thinkin' about?
Superman?
Or are You the superhero?
And who cares anyways
We're sitting at our computer not doing anything.
But our Minds are constantly taking information in.
Especially when you're out and about and you're interacting with people
Our Minds take in whatever we notice really.
If you're just thinkin' of nonsense all the time (like what you had for lunch and what you're going to have for dinner) and you never have any awareness then you won't notice much about what's going on.
If you pay attention people will have all sorts of signs all over telling you about them.
Or maybe this stuff that decorates people has no meaning to you
But it reminds you of something sub-consciously
And it is those unconscious memories that we have no conscious control over that determines our Emotion.
Or perhaps it only influences it?
Perhaps our conscious being can override the sub-conscious.
If not
Can anyone claim to have free-will?
What if we're just auto-piloting through our day?
Perhaps some people can not or simply do not over ride their sub-conscious
And perhaps it can be said that they do not have free-will?
At least not most of the time.
If someone smacks 'em in the face they'll probably wake up
And then they'll choose what to do
Or maybe not
Maybe they'll just react.
Some people though
Some people are awake all the time
They're noticing things all the time
So they see things coming sometimes
And can figure some way to respond
They can choose what to do when they get smacked in the face.

Every stimulus in our environment maps our consciousness.
We are creating ourself this very moment.
Even if it's something we already know
We simply reinforce that

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAJNm0ApPjk

And there it is.
I feel it.
Another Fear peeling away.

Once you realize your vulnerability to The Universe it takes a lot of faith just to Be.
Combine that realization with a healthy dose of Darkness and death may seem imminent.
The only way I found that I can Live is to Move Forward.
The only way I can Move Forward is
once again
to BELIEVE in myself.
Believe in who and what I am
Believe that I'm worth it
Believe that I AM up to it
That I can and will handle ANYTHING that comes at me
That I will not be led to destruction
That even when I am alone
I Will Survive.


https://www.facebook.com/BambooEtcetera/

Level Four—Awareness of Love: Everything You Can't Let Go of Holds You Back—But it's Nice to be Held Now and Then

This blog post is a Kamehameha.

     For the record, I don't want anyone to read this. Well, I want Her to read it—after all I'm really only writing all this here because I'm fucking alone and I can't reach Her or tell Her—so instead of depending on a woman to take on my darkness and forgive me and raise me up, I'm going to Let Go of my need for that, put all this here, and rise to a higher level of being, by my own power.

Kaaaaa Meeeeee

Haaaaa Meeeeee

HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

     Okay, I typed a bit about turning my blog into a photo thing a while ago. I’ll definitely have photos when I travel again and are actually taking photos, but I’ve decided to stop fighting it. What this blog is. Actually, it’s what the blog has always been. My blog is my Mind. This is where I put it all. As much of it as I can. I don’t even want people to read it. I especially don’t want kids to read it. But I’m writing all this here because if someone Loves me enough to read all this and try to understand me I want them to be able to. Like, why the fuck else would I be writing all this shit? It’s not doing anything for anyone. I got Bernice like $60, big deal. I gave her $700 of my own dollars because I thought some of the traffic that came through the site would give just $1, but I only got like six people. So what the fuck obviously no one reads this. Because if people did they would have given Bernice a fucking dollar. The woman is dying on the street did you fucking read what I wrote? Whatever, I’m over it. It’s better this way. I started worrying about people judging me or worse, someone who looked up to me learning I’m just as human and failed as they are and being brought down by that or something. But if no one is reading this, and no one is, then I can write fucking everything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCX6WBIzfQ8

 — I’m 29 and I have the maturity of a 21 year old. I don’t want to grow up and I’m selfish as fuck about it. I don't feel 29 at all but I have to admit I am, especially after everything I learned and experienced traveling on my bicycle. And despite seeing people suffering and The World burning, I still just want to hang around college aged kids and their parties and that scene because I haven't experienced everything I want from the lights and glamor yet.

 — Despite whatever I may or may not have done on or off a bicycle, I'm actually totally insecure and had a total melt down because the beautiful girl nine years younger than me that I fell totally and completely head over heels in Love with didn't call me back so I began to doubt all my other abilities and question the validity of my existence. Things got really crazy when I started questioning my actions and putting myself on trial for things I didn't even do and I lost touch with reality and turned around to come home, leaving my LionHeart behind. This culminated when I was paged at the Pittsburgh bus stop on the way back and I freaked out, ran off with my bags, and lost my Mind even further as I wandered around the streets of Pittsburgh, paranoid that cameras were watching me and "they" were coming after me.
     Also, Just In Case You're reading this and you stop here, it's not your fault. I Love You and I always have and I always will and I'm sorry I'm not the superhero you might have thought I was but I'd do anything to see you again but I can't reach out to you again except right here because my ego can't take you not responding to me anymore—I'm too scarred to even send a letter—and even though it doesn't make sense I'm still afraid you hate me and if you did that'd kill me so I'm afraid of that too. Also you're twenty and you should be living it up not dealing with my madness that I caused myself by obsessing over you, so it's probably better you do your own thing and forget about me, not that I want that as My Heart doesn't stop Loving and I've never wanted anyone more than I want you and I don't care what anyone says or thinks so I'll just be carrying you in that little smiling Sun you gave me around my neck until The Universe and God bring us together, which I believe will happen, if you do too. That's why I wear it. It's also why I go to every Shakedown show I can catch and wear your sweater there.

 — I was involved and am in Love with several other women too and my Heart is a complete mess. When I'm not alone and regretting the pain I've caused myself and others, it's actually really great. I want to act more responsibly in the future but only understand my Heart through observation and currently believe this is just how I was made. I won't apologize either. I Love several women, each passionately and uniquely, and I know in My Heart, and thus can say with 100% certainty and sincerity, that I will always Love each of them, even if they hate me or don't want me in their life or hurt me, over and over again. This is who I am and who I want to be and I don't care if you think monogamy is the right path—This is my path.

 — I feel really bad for my African-American brothers and sisters struggling with the country becoming a police state and painting them as the enemy through the media, resolidifying racism in the mainstream psyche, but I can’t do shit about that and it doesn’t affect me directly (yet) so I’m going to live my life pursuing my own agenda rather than help the ship not sink and I do not even judge myself for doing so (So whatever force wanted to pick me up in Pittsburgh can stop reading my blog now. I just want to get high and dance and sleep with women, like every 21 year old. No one reads this crap anyways. And you can't get me either, noobs. I don't even know who you are. Fucking cowards).
 — My nails are pretty raw ‘cause I bite ‘em all the time. Helps me think, and helps me channel away anxiety (from thinking too much).
 — I was only born with one testicle and had surgery when I was four to have an artificial one put in there.
 — My rock bottom: I used backpage to find escorts to pay for sex, thrice. I thought it was what I needed because I thought sex was intimacy. I was wrong. After returning home the third time and bawling in my ex's arms I understood what I had done. I'll tell the rest of this story another time.

 — I started viewing pornography online when I was eleven years old and the internet was brought into my house and no one understood it but me. I found my way to the wrong sites and started seeing the most disturbing images you can think of and probably many you can’t. At least I hope you can’t (Art can be used to spread evil ideas too. People tend to forget that). This put a lot of messed up ideas and images into my head as a youth. Here's a clip from my favorite show as a kid, Dragon Ball Z. Be warned, even though this is an animated show for 12 year old boys, this scene is disturbing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj1kgh_TUDw

     How does that scene make you feel? Scared the shit out of me. It's horrifying. I had seen much worse shit by the time I saw that when I was like 14 or so, but that was different because when you watch a television show you build emotional bonds to characters and Android #18 was like my favorite character, after Gohan. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIiy78J_QPc

     So all the violent and/or sexualized imagery sub-consciously effected my daily thoughts and that effected my perception of males and thus of the World. This led me to being a real stay-at-home alone-in-room kind of kid and just spending my time escaping reality into video games. And viewing pornography as often as possible. I was afraid of The World. As a male, I was especially afraid of myself. I was a monster. Men are monsters. The reality in the news only confirmed it, as do the statistics of sexual violence and “rape culture” we live in. By the time I was in 7^th grade I had a firm hatred and distrust of the male gender and my self-image was, well, readers (there are none) might remember this guy:

From my Be Driven post

http://ridelionheart.blogspot.com/2015/09/be-driven.html

     I recall trying to not look at porn anymore some time in 8^th grade, but with the computer sitting right downstairs, and me on it anyways playing games, the temptation was too great. I couldn't stop. By 13 I was already addicted and the misogyny and hatred against women in the videos was normalized through that. Despite how much of this I consumed, or perhaps to counter-act it, I held my ideals above it. I deify women. I literally worship them. I put them on a pedestal and want nothing more than to serve and please and be of use. This path has led me to be very, "in touch with my feminine side" which I would actually describe as simply seeing the woman in myself and embracing her, rather than rejecting her to conform to what society tells me a man should be. This female self of mine was completely repressed for years though.
     Around age 25 I began my journey to defeat my demons, which continues to this day as I spend many of my waking hours trying to navigate life to attain the female energy and attention I need and sex I want without breaking my ideals or hurting or deceiving anyone. This is why I say I'm selfish. I'm aware of the human suffering around our country and The World. I'm aware of The World's suffering as well. I plan on voting for Bernie Sanders and that's about it for now. Rather than rally to some Just Cause I'll leave that to the 9-5ers and work on my defense/escape plan as I look for girls that want to dance with me. At worst, I'm a womanizing pervert with questionable motives constantly punishing myself for my maleness and endless lust. At best, I'm a hopeless romantic hippie-wannabe in a constant state of longing for my ideal Love

     It was a long journey for me but I beat all that. I realized what pornography does to people and what it was doing to me. I rejected it and got away from it. I no longer masturbate, just to prove to myself that I am always in control. I believe in My Heart that it is precisely because of this that I may live my dreams the way I do. I beat my demons and now I’m free. I do not need. I am a gentleman with infinite self-control. I am living my ideal self, to the best of my abilities.
     When I left home again in October, I wanted to fly even higher. My feelings for Her were so intense I felt I could use those feelings to abstain from sex completely. Now why aught I do that? Because the desire for sex often gets in the way of genuinely connecting with a female. It's hard for many guys to talk to beautiful women because the voice in our Head is trying to figure out how to navigate ourselves closer to the lady and the voice in our Heart is on its knees hoping and wishing and longing to be chosen.
     I wanted to be able to not think about sex all the time and not try to get it all the time but traveling was exceedingly difficult because I’m exceedingly needy and being alone in the woods/cornfields/side of road wasn't fucking fun. It was not fun. It was fucking lonely and I cried all the time. I cried every day about Her or Her or Her or Her and Her. It was also all completely worth it because I had so many amazing adventures and met so many amazing people and I learned and grew so fucking much I don't even recognize myself anymore and I’m pretty sure I was helping the World in some odd bicycle riding way. People saw me riding around and thought I was a super hero or something and that felt great (as I've explained in detail in a past post) but it also made me feel like I had to hide all of this. I had to push through being alone all the time and never having intimacy.
     The journey was not totally devoid of connection though. I slept with Her in Baltimore so that was a good night, though it left me questioning where My Heart was going. When I broke my arm in Tennessee a Great Love of mine came to me and saved my life and I experienced a Love that burned like no other I've ever felt. After that, I decided I never wanted to "fuck" again. I would only make Love. In South Bend a lady let me stay at her place and fed me and it seemed like she wanted me and I didn't want her but I felt indebted to her and it was easier to just do it than to reject her. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth, and I definitely never wanted my want for a lady to put them into that position.

     In Chicago I realized I didn't know what I was doing and my ego broke down yet again. Unable to lift myself back up, or even be lifted up by the amazing friends I was blessed to have met there, I went to Boston/Salem to be lifted up by my sister. She was too busy or something so I fell even lower, then crawled over to Her, crying on my bicycle the whole way. She showed me the coolest fucking stuff I'd seen since I left and I realized I had taken Her and Her Love for granted because I had become a complete egotistical jerk. I soon realized I took all Love for granted. I saw Her once more and that was The End. My Heart is a Flame and she was a Gust of pure Oxygen. I had so many emotions and thoughts then this writing here doesn't even compare. I started pumping out poetry but my Mind and Heart were working so fast the poem would be outdated by the next day. I began meditating, which has become an invaluable ability. Unable to see Her again I left back for Illinois. From the intensity of my emotions, and my uncertainty of Her expectations of me, I decided I would abstain from sex until I saw her again. After all, if I could have Her I didn't need anyone else.
     I saw Her and Her as I left. She gave me my ticket out but I felt taking that from her would have been symbolically negative so I rode through The Bronx instead of taking the train and mailed her back the ticket. That made me late for Her though and we missed what we were going to do together. She and I spent a few days together, which were blissful as usual but also painful. I think we both understood we had to move on from each other but didn't feel this way. I left Her again. It took me another couple days and lots pedaling and crying to Let Go of Her.
     The abstinence mentality totally worked for a bit, but I made the decision believing She would stay in relative touch and when that didn't happen I not only did not believe I could do it anymore, I did not want to do it anymore. So all the mental, physical, and emotional stress accumulated as I had my existential and egotistical crisis alone in the corn fields. Thank you Tom and Tina for taking me in. I couldn’t think of anything (anyone) else because of all the intense feelings I had but I couldn’t express any to her because I couldn’t contact her.
1. My gentlemanly code does not allow me to "blow up" a ladies phone, and
2. I was trying to play it cool, even though the reality was the complete exact opposite.

     My many many many insecurities triggered and I spiraled downward questioning my worth in every way I relevantly could. I believe this manifested in my knee, which gave out on me and got worse fast to the point I could only ride about eleven miles a day before it was just too painful. Traveling turned from freedom to torture. The mere fact of this made me further question what I did to deserve such a change in fate. Did I hurt her? Did I do something wrong? I Love her so much, but why isn't she responding and why why why why... this idea train just goes in circles all the way down. I found myself in Carbondale IL trying to figure it all out. I needed to stop there because of my knee. Thank you Mason for saving my fucking life and letting me crash at your place for a week.
     For weeks there I was trying to figure what I wanted to do, which I blogged about already, though there was plenty of emotional instability I didn't talk about going on as I realized continuing my Journey meant doing so broken, crazy, and alone. With that negativity and loneliness, a deep Fear entered my Heart as I started to believe I'd be forgotten by all my Loved ones and if I didn't die in the desert I'd be destined to be old and alone on the street, typically labeled a "homeless person," as I squandered all the real connections in my life to ride my bicycle around. Fear and Negativity turned My Dream into a Fool's Errand. I couldn't even tell anymore if I was fighting Dragons or Windmills. I continued to make friends and try to help others in that city, but despite all the Love I found there no one could help me from my own Mind.
     So where did it end? With me curled up in the fetal position in the back of a parking lot in Pittsburgh crying hysterically unable to enter the bus station pleading with God to help me or kill me. Spiritual signs led my awareness to walk into the station and buy a ticket to NYC with money I made busking at a Steeler's game. In order to blend in, I left many valuable meaningful things behind in that parking lot, such as the bicycle helmet I've had since I was 14, and the hat I wanted to give to Her. I wonder if anything is still there...

     When my bus arrived in NYC I zig-zagged through the Port Authority afraid that if I wasn't careful I could be apprehended by "them." I didn't trust the trains or subways because "they" might be watching so I opted to walk to Her house in Connecticut. It took me 27 hours of straight walking carrying three tote bags. I walked through the night through Harlem and The Bronx without really knowing where I was going without worrying at all because I knew God was with me. At that point I was actually in relatively high spirits, albeit fragile. I was basically home free, and when I wasn't freaking out wandering through The Bronx at night was pretty fun. No plans on doing it again though. By the time I got to Her house I was delirious and staggering and falling asleep as I walked, but I knew that everything was okay, because I was with Her and looking at her face. That is my sure-fire way to know if everything is okay or not. Is She with me? If She is, that means I'm not the caged evil animal that I believe people would judge me as if they knew all this shit you're reading right now. It means I'm not the monster inside me. It means I've been allowed to be in Her presence. It means God, at least, trusts me, and so does she. I was out of my mind but She opened Her door for me and held my hand. My emotions for Her are just as intense as for Her but we processed them all already without going crazy from Connecticut to Chicago. I will Love Her forever. I was already at that point before all this. That's why I walked to Her. She was the last girl in the World that I felt would have helped me without me imposing.
     After recuperating from my walk with Her, She brought me back home on the 24th of December. I thanked the Power above for guiding me home and never felt more grateful for my family and for being home for Christmas. On the 26th though, I got right to work trying to figure out how I could get back out there. How could I regain my sanity? How could I mend my Heart? How could I find the closure to do so? What would be an acceptable course of action considering I have no idea how She feels? How could I get back to where I'd been when I was all geared up to conquer The World? And I still don't know why they paged me in Pittsburgh... What the Fuck do I do about that? The answer was easy. I needed a girlfriend! Yes, of course. All I needed was a quality lady to spend quality time with me and everything would be okay. We could talk and I could tell her everything and then I could move on and continue my adventure!

     Little did I know then that my next battle had already begun. I defeated my demons. I defeated my dragons. Yet I still felt unworthy of the gifts I have in my life. I still doubt myself, doubly upon failing my mission. In order to move forward I did not need to absorb the energy of any other life form, no matter how beautifully executed I intended for it to be. What I needed to do was face myself and take off the mask I hid behind. I needed to be unapologetically myself and not lean on anyone to stand. Once again, my opponent was my old self, and like Perfect Cell, no matter how many times he is defeated, he'll just regenerate unless each of his cells are completely destroyed. Every single parasitic idea and emotion.

- Intermission -

I Love this guy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQiNVSfJVq0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW3oBJ4n3sM

This oddly yet aptly named comic saved my Life. It began my Path to Love.

I'd recommend it to anyone, but you might have to be a sexually repressed Otaku to really get it.

http://www.mangatown.com/manga/molester_man/c001/

And here's the Goldenboy manga. The story that inspired me to ride.

http://www.mangahere.co/manga/golden_boy/v01/c001/

Read these two comics and you'll understand me much more completely.

Or just read them because they're masterful!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPftsIwGNoQ

     So I was thinking about what She said to me the other day about getting to the other mountain and seeing down it. It's like seeing from a higher place and understanding there are greater things you can accomplish with your life and believing and working towards that. So it takes a greater level of faith because it's asking for more for others and less for oneself. A greater level of faith in ourselves too. Believing that we can do something with our lives instead of what our world is molding us into. Distractions, rules, limits, including our own. Especially our own. Expectations, fear of judgment, and many other hidden factors. These things shape us into who we are. Over time we become someone we didn’t want to be. Society, culture, our “inner-circle,” and the people we interact with every day have a profound effect on us. It’s hard to let the walls down and let people in, because of Fear. Will they judge us? (And why are we so afraid of that anyways?) Will they betray us? (It’s easier to hurt/take from someone you judge as beneath or less than you. There’s one reason to be afraid of judgment). Maybe they’re craaaazy and/or evil and they’re hiding their true motives to get close to us and do who knows what. All this is Fear. Or maybe they’re just needy and they’ll just lean on us too heavily and ask for too much and become a drain on our time/energy/resources and we don't have any of that to spare 'cause our way of life, habits, and addictions depletes it all, or maybe we're greedy or lazy or we just don't like people.

     In order to rise up we must better ourselves. We can all do better. Be more generous. Be more kind. Be more accepting and inclusive and caring. In order to beat the Fears and not let this crazy World hold us back, we need Faith. Faith in God? The Universe? Allah Buddha Jesus? Who? It doesn’t actually matter what “religion” you ascribe to. You have to have Faith in people. We have to believe in the goodness of people, otherwise we shut them out of our lives and give them no Love. The less Love we give the less we get. The less Love everyone gets the more f’d up the World gets, ‘cause people do some really crazy things for Love. That makes sense too. You can go a while without shelter, depending on the environment. You can go a month without food. You can go a few days without water. You can even hold your breath. But the second you have no Love if your Heart, You Are Dead.

     I get it too, I think. People lie or make promises they don't keep or aren't who they appear to be. We have to test people before we let them into our lives or our Hearts. That's why I've been hiding in my room and a huge reason why I came back in the first place. I needed someone so badly when I came back. I was incredibly vulnerable and any girl that batted her eyelashes at me could have me, but that's a little scary because as I wrote above, the people we let into our lives have huge profound effects on us that we can't see or predict beforehand. So, I opted to once a week force myself outta my house, which was hard in and of itself 'cause of how distraught I was, and just get out there and let something come to me. Nothing is incredibly hard to do though when there's all these amazingly beautiful women around and any one of them truly makes all my sadness go away with a smile. Despite how pretty fucking awesome I (believe I) am, I failed to get any sort of meaningful relationship started or even have a nice time with a girl (with the one exception of Valentine's Day—and thank God and Her for that. Read last week for details). So anyways I was repeatedly laid out from the successive failures/defeats at that endeavor. By "Laid Out" I mean my emotions are so powerful I am literally slowed or paralyzed. I can't think straight, I can't move as well, and My Heart just has this heavy weight in it that I drag around.

     So as all (zero of) my readers know I have an abnormal amount of energy and I need an outlet. This energy often accumulates sexually because I'm a healthy active male that isn't sexually active at all and I have years of sexual image brainwashing in me. I think the best way to put it is that I’m hypersexual. Maybe every guy is like this to some degree, I don’t know, but I have been programmed to think about sex an inappropriately too frequent amount of the time. So when this sexual energy accumulates and has no outlet I experience intense longing, complete and utter lack of motivation, emotional vulnerability, and depression. All that gets worse when I haven’t had sex in months, am completely Heartbroken, and just failed at my one true life goal and my ego is fractured and I think I’m a failure. Then it gets worse when She doesn't want me in her life anymore because it hurts her too much to hear from me. Then it gets even worse when my efforts to connect with someone don’t work out and I circle the answer to the question of “Why?” around to myself, obviously, concluding I’m not good enough, so ego is broken down again.

Then I see my valentine who is the one girl that gave me a chance (romantically) these last couple months. I had been waiting for her to return from her adventure to Costa Rica. When we hang out I learn she doesn’t want to make out, which tells me pretty much everything. Not wanting to blow marijuana smoke into each others' mouths tells me everything else. Anyways, it’s pretty hard holding a conversation with all those heavy emotions swirling in my Heart and all the thoughts swirling in my Head, so it's fortunate that I learned how to meditate. This is cool ‘cause when done successfully it really empties my Mind and I can just sort of sponge in the information around me. While starring at Her beautiful face, on the top of West Rock, I was able to visualize all the things about Costa Rica She was saying. That’s something I would call a beautiful moment, but unrequited Lovestruck meditation doesn’t do much for conversation. A drowsy sort of “Coooool” was all I could muster. 

     So I knew I blew it, or maybe I was up against Costa Rica and never had a chance in the first place. I mean I’m more awesome than Costa Rica on a good day but in my current state of function I’d probably lose to a dumb House Party and I needed someone to sort of take a leap of faith on me. Maybe that was Her test for me, or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I believed it was though. I wished for Her after all. That’s why it was so easy for My Heart to take that leap on Her on Valentine’s Day. I don't know what else I did or may have done to mess things up with Her but as usual, my finger points inward and I begin the process of self-reflection, self-deprecation, self-destruction, and rebuilding this self, all over again.

     I have been told I’m "perfect just the way I am," which is a nice thing to hear, but I have a hard time believing that when I'm struggling and failing and I'm trying to beat it and figure out why. We’re all learning and growing. That’s the point. And more importantly, I am not living the way I want to be living and what I want to be happening just isn’t, so clearly I’m not good enough because otherwise I’d be making it happen. And the only simple thing I want to happen is to have a bunch of female friends in my life. I sorta do, but they’re on facebook, and while I appreciate talking with them very much there is no emotional exchange and that’s what I need. I need that. I don’t have that. So clearly I need to improve myself and keep working towards my goals because this really simple thing of having a friend that’s around isn’t here. She's my friend, but She has her hands full with herself and she’s over an hour away and I could go on and on but I’m pretty sure every other reason I might write is actually just my many insecurities talking (Ha! I’m on to ‘em!) Anyways all that matters is I don’t have what I need so I need to keep going. I’m currently working on a 6-pack. All the Dragon Ball Z characters have one and I've always wanted one.

     Except that's all wrong! Nobodies "perfect" and I definitely want to be like Son Gohan and I would Love washboard abs and the confidence they'll bring and it'd be a healthy thing to go for, but it's not really what I need. Besides, I'm fit enough. And let's be honest, the true reason I want to look better is I'm lonely and want to attract girl/s with muscle definition. It’s kind of fucking crazy because I’m already fucking amazing. I know I am. I'm not going to make a fucking list here for you but I'll just say that when I was like 14 or so I decided to devote my existence to making women happy and have been naturally and slowly honing the skills to be a perfect life partner, and still am learning and growing. So then my problem had become that the validation of my existence—whether I was a good worthy person or not—came not from my own determination but from my success with women and them holding me in positive regard. My hatred of men including myself is a part of this. Our culture plays a part too, elevating the status of a man up based on the attractiveness of his partner. In order to live freely as my ideal self, I need to determine my own worth and validity, not allow others or my belief of their perception of me to. I need to create the meaning in my life for myself. I need simply to Love myself. Love is the true chi. The Kamehameha. That's what all this you're reading now is. It's me putting my darkest side out to the World to be judged or Loved or shunned or ignored. This is Faith in myself that even if everyone distrusts me—even if She hates me—that I will still Love myself. I already know how to fly and I know how to survive and I know how to protect and I know how to talk and connect and I know how to please. I know how to Love. But I don’t always know how to express this person to others and I don’t know what they see instead. I have never concerned myself with outer appearances. The surface is shapeable. Someone can appear a different person by changing their jacket. But within us is everyone we've ever met. In any given situation, who will we choose to be? Will we choose to be our best self? Will we choose to be Son Gohan? Or will we choose to be Cell, our darkness?

Cell is my dark side. He wants to consume others to make himself stronger. He is my Dragon. I have always seen him as my adversary. I fear him. When he is not appeased he rages. He distracts me. He brings me down.  He paralyzes me. He sews seeds of doubt. He is self-destructive. He does not care. He just lusts and wants and needs. He covets what is not his. He is lazy and weak and afraid and fragile and gluttonous. He is the me that took on all the feelings of pain and loneliness and fear and lust.

He is my Fear.

He is my Hate.

And I need to Love him too.

I need to forgive him for being what he is.

Only then will I be able to not Hate myself

because he is my self too.

Together, we learn and grow and can make the right choices that bring not only us but all those around us higher. We can heal The World together. But in order to be my complete self, I can't be fighting with myself all the time. I can't be judging myself. I need to have Faith in myself that no matter what happens I will never give in to the darkness and no matter what blocks my path I will find a way under, over, around, or straight fuckin' through.

One thing I did in order to move forward was take that sexual being and put him away. Lock up the monster. But just like our overcrowded jails, it doesn't work. We can't just ignore people and their struggles and put them in boxes and starve them and expect them to not break. We can't do that with our selves either. People need Wisdom and people need Love. During each of our days, we each can reach out to those around us and at least offer what Love and Wisdom we have. Both of these things are free, after all.

In Loving and accepting my sexual side I also must accept I have wants that maybe Jesus wouldn't have. By embracing and Loving this self, I take those desires and I accept them and I Let Go of the ones that are wrong and I wait for the time I may fulfill my desires through mutual Love. In the mean time, I strive forward and apply myself to worthwhile endeavors with honest intention.

So with honest intention, I admit here, again, that I want sex. A lot of it, from a lot of people. If I find it, wonderful! If not I'll keep exploring and waiting but regardless I'll be fine. Just about every man in The World wants sex. I hear women do too. There's nothing wrong with that. Sex is a beautiful wonderful thing. It can be at least, if we respect it and hold it high above the dirt (not that sex in the dirt isn't fun too).
Everything I've written here has been my greatest demon I have been running away from and hiding from for years. Do please take a moment to understand how ashamed I've been for my entire adult life and how difficult and scary it is for me to click the Publish button. The time on my bicycle was, beneath the surface, a trial and a struggle for me to overcome my own self and defeat these demons. I used to HATE myself. I never wanted to kill myself, but that's because I had video games and friends and food and a Loving family and had a fiancée for a while and other great things. I needed that fiancée especially to make sure I wouldn't lose myself. I had no FAITH in myself. I didn't have enough self-control to do ten push-ups. I was weak and scarred and the loneliness killed me and I'd escape into pornography. It felt good and I could imagine myself as in control and powerful. I didn't have to be afraid of loneliness because I could take what I needed from someone. That's where Rape comes from. Firstly, the objectification of women. As in, not seeing women as people but as a thing. A what instead of a who. Then the idea that someone may take what they need from another. Finally, believing one needs sex, or believing that sex is Love. Or perhaps being driven to the point where one is willing to compromise their own morals to attain or experience what they seek.

These ideas are the Cells in our culture. They too have to be blasted away with Love. There is no other way. Sex is not always Love. Seek Love, give Love, and sex will come when it is meant to. No one has to make anything happen. That's the beauty of Love. Open your Mind and open your Heart and all shall be well. Battling these misguided ideas is a Just Cause that I'll get around to joining when I feel like it. Maybe I'll make some art or something.

     My complete self is within and I Love him and I'm proud of him. I don't know the limits of his strength. I don't know if his weaknesses will be his downfall or if he has gotten to a place where he may Soar again. He is a gentleman. He has infinite self control. He gets Lost and Confused really easily but he doesn't give up and he moves forward with everything he has toward whatever the hell his unfocused immature mind has come to find interest in next. All he really wants to do is hang out with girls and dance and explore and make art and cook and eat yummy food. Do you think he's a bum and should get a job and get to work? Fuck you. I'll work ten times harder than you do so I can get to that place in life where I can be happy and free. I'll never give up. I'll keep trying until I die. I have dreams. I have a vision. I'll figure it out. I can and I will. I'm wandering now. Through our country, through the labyrinth in my Mind, through the depths in my Heart. Some days I'm on fire and nothing can stop me. Some days I can't get out of bed and I'm in so much pain I scream. Some days I'm so Lost and Confused I can't stop crying and I look to the night sky for guidance or gifts. Some days I understand how lucky I am for everything from my Loving family to the food that falls from the sky in abundance to the clean water we all piss in to the very air we breathe. Regardless of The Day, I'm striving forward. I'm keeping my ideals held high and never compromising. I'm still only trying to live for myself, but I still have goals to accomplish and I'm only 29 DAMN IT. I'm too young to give up on my dreams and on living it up and living wildly.

     Not that I got here by myself. The only reason I didn't go crazy was thanks to Her and she just held my hand and trusted me and that would uplift me greater than anything else she could do for me. But it wasn't just Her. My parents, my brother, all the women that owe me nothing yet talk with me on facebook and read my long crazy ramblings (how do you think I wrote all this? I call it musing. Thanks ladies). All the great people I meet out in The World, especially at Toad's Place shows, that give me Wisdom or Brotherly or Sisterly Love or a Helping Hand or a Pat on the Back or a Hug. I'd be nothing without everyone. I'll be the first to admit that. So now what should I do with this life of mine and the many blessing I have been bestowed? Must I live selflessly for the good of mankind now, or may I take my pen and my Mind and use them both to work towards satisfying the longing in My Heart?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6IbF5V4gYY

     Well, I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what I'm meant for, nor do I have any banner in particular to wave. I'm just a wanderer, and I'm gonna keep hoping for the best while I do my thing, keep learning, growing, and selfishly chasing my own dreams. If I can't find what I'm looking for in The World then I guess I have to create it. God Knows what I'll accomplish or if I'll die along the way. I know what my vote is. I know what I can do and that's only because I know what I've already done. My Body is still in One Piece, My Mind is stable enough, and there's lots of Love in My Heart. The world has other Cells to face and Mountains to climb and Women to Love and I don't know what I'm meant for but I'm not going to find out hiding in my room like I've been doing since I was 11!

     So as for me
     I want to get back on my bike.
     I want to be riding my bike again.
     I want to be back on my bike!
     But for that freedom you have to give up everything.
     One of the realizations that brought me back was what I was losing every day in order to be on my bike. Family and other Loved ones. Time and memories with them. With The World maybe ending tomorrow, what is truly the most important thing to do with my time?
     But here I feel like I'm in a cage. The bars of which I made myself.
     They're made out of that most important of all things, Love.
     Love is food. Love is grass. Love is everything. We need it. How can I do anything without it? Yet Love is heavy. It exists in our Heart and moves us towards it. Love is the lowest state of entropy. Love is a source of infinity. Our Heart moves us toward the creation and propagation of Love. All the things we think we need are just distractions. Comfort and food and safety and warmth are all good things, but we can do without them for a while. The only thing we truly always need is to breathe. Breathe. But even with that you can hold your breath. We can't do without Love. Sure, we can make it through the darkness. But in order to do we need to be fueled with Love. Once we don't have enough Love in our lives, our Heart automatically begins searching and longing and calling for it. When we don't have Love in Our Hearts—We're Dead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AB-LmbsYTE

     The only way I can find what I'm seeking is to get back on my bicycle.
     The only way I can retrieve my bicycle is to Love myself.
   
     To anyone reading this, know that I am there.
     I still have a lot to learn and so so so much growing to do.
     I'm a child. I don't know anything. She taught me that.
     But I Love myself and I believe in myself and nothing will cage me.
     Not anymore.

     Poetry:

     So this here poem is to a fucking amazing girl in Illinois I want to ride over to see.
     Before this KAMEHAMEHA I had a dream about her and I woke up and wrote this poem with the intention of subtly speaking my intentions. With the embrace of my dark side I want to hide it less and be more upfront with who and what I am. I prefer to be romantic—and I am—but veiling lust behind romantic gestures is exactly the kind of dishonest behavior I wish to avoid from now.
     You're beautiful and I think about you a lot and I want you bad and so if everything I wrote doesn't freak you the fuck out let's hang out. No I don't care what we do or don't do and I'd rather you surprise me anyways but if I'm having these sorts of dreams about you I need to get it out there. Regardless of if I ever see you again, here is a poem, for you. Let me know how it makes you feel.

     Glass Blown Seed

     Echoes of passion from away

     Way

     Wishes to hold today

     Day

     Feelings that always go astray

     Stray

     Right there but what to say

     Say

     Who can Judge whether Love or Lust

     Lust
     The chains upon both fated to rust

     Rust

     Forever seeking one to trust

     Trust

     To their abode my Will thrusts

     Thrust

     Unspoken aims held within
     In

     Just bodies connecting in sin

     Sin

     No shame to bear from your kin

     Kin

     Choose your way—yang or yin

     Yin

     So as the month draws near

     Near

     Intentions in my soul sear

     Sear

     Deep ancient longings rear

     Rear

     Pray inspire no fear

     No Fear

     What Do You Think?

     Grow and Live

     Give and Receive.

     Always Love

     Never Hate. Never

     Never is hard but try, at least

     Never give up, at least

     You keep goin. You'll make it

     It's not actually so hard once you do it

     We forget the pain of the shot in our arm

     and get back to playing fast enough

     Some faster than others

     Some have to learn right from wrong

     Nay, all.

     We all must learn. Every single one of us. And none of us know anything. Nothing at all.

     Sure you might know about rocket ships. Or you might know your law. Or you might know how to shoot a gun. But don't think you know people. Don't think you know what's goin' on.

     There are people everywhere, doin' all sorts of things, fightin' all sorts of battles, with ideas and knowledge and their Hearts and their Bodies. There are people naked and alone, screaming as they throw themselves against the wall. Their wall. What does the onlooker think? What do they all do?

     To Her:

     This is why I needed you. I needed you to Love me, or I couldn't Love myself, because of all this. Oh, I wanted you. More than anything in The World I wanted you. Men kill for this kind of want. I would never—but I would climb mountains. I would cross the desert. I would face anything. Give anything. Through hellfire and back I would walk to have you again. That's the burning fire of my want. But I needed you too. Not your body. I beat that. I do not need sex. I want to say that I never want to have sex without Love again, but I don't know if that's true. I will definitely Choose Love Every Time, but that's just who I am now. I fall in Love really fast. But Love is a two-way street. It's hard, but I need to be patient and wait for that Love to come back to me. I have so much for you. So so much. If you want it, you have to give Love back. I needed a phone call. I was going crazy and I was alone and I needed you to call me. I wrote you a poem and I left you a rap message that I thought was really good and you never called and it hurt so fucking much and I was alone and cold and losing it. I was never mad. I never stopped Loving you. But I didn't know what you wanted me to be or who you thought I was but this is it here. I might be older in age than you but I'm just as fragile and needy as anyone. I needed you. I needed you to call me back. I needed to get your letter. But I don't want to control you. That's my rule. Years ago, I could have stopped my ex from going out without me or hooking up with him or him or him but I didn't because I do not control with Love. It is not The Way. This is who I am and how I live and I want anyone (if you're not Her go away) reading this to know something. It's fucking hard. It's comforting to know you can control someone to be with you. It hurts when you need or want someone to be there for you or do something for you and they won't. Over time it may come to 'cause us to doubt their Love for us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s1bZLh4mJA

     And that is why this is all here for you. This entire blog post. To prove My Love for you, to you. I am barring my demons to The World because I need you to know and I need to know you know how much I truly Love you. That even though Cell was in me and I'm a fucked up tainted stained too old homeless dog I truly Love you and I've been in Love with you this whole time. I can prove it too—I have months of journal entries and poetry and a friggin' song and I even hid a surprise in The World somewhere for you. I started trying to let you go because it just hurt too much. By the time I got your last text on December 11th—I remember, 11 is my lucky number—I was already so crazy to the point I thought you had lied about your age and that your parents read my blog and filled statutory rape charges against me and that's one of the real reasons I freaked out when I was in Carbondale IL and the reason I left my bike behind with my friends so I could blend in and get back to Connecticut and hide at my parents' house. Until the point I was paged at the bus station in Pittsburgh this was all just in my head and I was moving on pure intuition and spiritual signs. When suddenly a real life piece of evidence that I was in some sort of trouble showed itself to me, as I already explained above, I completely lost it. I wandered the streets trying to figure it out for days. Did you send me that text that said, "I Love you" on the 11th or had they been watching me through my blog and they got their hands on your phone and sent that to me to get me to go to the train station where they could detain me. But that's crazy because you weren't 17 you were 19 so why am I even thinking these thoughts? But then why did they page me? Maybe there's an evil force out there that's on to my plan to save the country by spreading Love to every city via bicycle like Forest Gump or whatever and they're trying to destroy The World and they already control the corrupt government (in Pittsburgh at least. I'm still safe in CT) and they were gonna off me. But hey—I'm not crazy. I'm just fucking thinking about all the Infinite Possibilities! That idea you showed me, that you got from CoSM, is mind-blowing. But is it really what we should believe in? I believe in Love. I believe you Love me, and I know I Love you. And I believe that we'll meet again one day, despite all the Infinite Possibilities of me dying under a truck or "them" coming after you to get to me or me hooking up with someone on The Road and having kids and getting stuck there or you finding a boyfriend that's more socially acceptable to White New England suburbia standards and falling in Love with him too and being unable to deal with the flood of emotions from Loving more than one person, 'cause just like Infinite Possibilities I taught you Free Love and I know how hard it is.
And there's yet another possibility. That you're just as nuts and afraid to reach out as I am so you're not, and we both just can't seem to reach each other.
Or maybe you're just honest-to-goodness busy because like me you have a vision you want to find or create and you can't be foolin' around now if you want to get there!
Or my favorite. You are totally next-level Zen Chill and have been the whole time and you're reading this like, "What's this dude on?" (Just some marijuana I assure you)
But maybe you were really looking forward to the next poem. And maybe you don't understand why I didn't send it. And maybe it hurts. And maybe you lost your phone or were too afraid to call 'cause you didn't know what to say or who knows why.
Or maybe when I started telling you about all the stuff I just revealed here the last time we saw each other at my house it freaked you out because clearly you are an angel that knows no darkness and I scared you away by trying to give you this burden to share with me.
And maybe you were so freaked out and 'cause of all the marijuana we smoked you forgot how beautiful our time together was and maybe your family figured it out and they judged me or you or us both and now you hate me—there's the negativity again—and you filled a restraining order against me and sending you a poem violated it so they're after me.
Well the jokes on them. ALL of 'em. Even if that last one was true I know you'd of only done that if you had to and you wouldn't even need to feel sorry because they can't fucking catch me anyways and there's only one reason for that and it's nothing I did or didn't do—it's because you believe in me.
I know you do. I can feel it, even now. Maybe it's just about riding my bike or maybe all these crazy delusions I came up with in my head have some level of truth to them, but
It doesn't even matter. None of it does. This all happened for a reason. The possibilities are infinite and that's rock and roll exciting but the truth is right here in our Hearts and it is the most valuable beautiful thing in the entire universe so nevermind any other possibility—the possibility of Love is the greatest. And the infinite possibilities after Love are all amazing. We could go to The Moon! We could be Bonnie and Clyde! We could start a Rock Band! You can cure cancer and I'll organize the bike charity ride. We could be Just Friends! We could be anything together!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP4qdefD2To

THIS IS WHAT LOVE IS.
ALL THIS RIGHT HERE IS LOVE.
LOVE IS INFINITE POSSIBILITIES.
WRITING ALL THIS I AM ON FIRE.
LOVE IS THE FIRE IN OUR HEARTS!!
And mine is still burning for you.
All my feelings pour out and just crunch on the computer screen.
They leave behind these black on white words that feel cold.
Where are you? How can I find you? How do I get to you? I'm a mess I can't show you myself right now. I can't have you see me like this I'm crazy and ugly. I believed if I got across the country you'd be there. I still kind of do. But I doubted. I looked down and I looked up and I lost my balance and I fell and crashed and I failed. I tried as hard as I could, but I couldn't do it alone. These cold words don't hold the tears that are pouring from my eyes as I write this. I could feel you. I swear I could. But my Mind just kept asking questions and I couldn't stop it and my insecurities veered it to negativity and the gravity of the possible negative realities was too much for me to handle—I hit a wall and turned around to crawl back. I lost much in the retreat, including my Mind. But I didn't give up, and I found much too, and I made it home. I went to the Shakedown show on New Year's and I had sent you that picture saying I was heading back home for the holidays so I knew you knew I was home and I decided if you didn't come that would mean you didn't want me. And you weren't there, and it hurt. Holy hell I could barely breathe. I couldn't keep living with that pain all the time, which is lame I know (I blame technology), so I had to let go of you and I resolved to do that and started falling in Love with women left and right trying to find someone who would help me get over you but that didn't work out at all and I had to do it myself.
The whole month of January was nothing but Violent Mae and crying.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdIgVfQx7Ac

     I've tried to replace you I've tried to forget about you I've tried to let go I've tried to focus on the heartache I've tried to distract myself from you I've tried to leave a bit of hope somewhere. Well that's what this is too. It's just another breadcrumb for you. It's all I can do. I can't control you. I can't call you. I can't come knock on your door. I can not reach you. I only want to give you all this if you want it. I don't want to shove my feelings in your face, no matter how pretty I make the letter. Are you done with me? I wanted to follow a Path that led to you, but I know now we mustn't do that. We have to follow our own paths. US especially. I don't know what I'm gonna do with this odd New England life of mine—I just want to ride my bike and eat and make Love all the time—but I know you're special and meant for amazing things and I shouldn't drag you down or distract you.
     But damn it I could ride up and see you on the weekends or something. We could meet up at music festivals. We could just hold hands if you wanted. That's all I need. That and dancing with you. It's not all I want but I don't actually want anything you don't want to give me. A gift only has meaning when it is given freely. Love and Sex and Time and Energy and Things—if you lie or steal or put on a mask or force—that isn't Love and it loses all meaning, whatever it is. Or maybe it has a meaning that you don't want in your life. A black stain. A mistake. An err in judgment. Was I that to you? I Love you so much, but I want to know the truth of how you feel. I touched it up with some Dragon Ball Z and way too many pretty words but I'm putting my ugly fucking soul on the internet for you so you'll know.
     Ah, but saying that is an attempt to control you! I was calling upon you to do something. A demand or condition for Love! To say, "Look what I did for Love. Now you do this too." Like it's a business transaction. Money at the cash register. That's not what Love is, and besides, this isn't all for you!
This is for me. I'm letting it all out because I have to. I'm done with the games and face and I'm finished hiding myself away from The World out of shame for my dark side. It's for me to have you too. Yet another small sliver of hope I'm putting out into existence that I pray you'll find when the time is right and it'll lead you to me. What else can I do? I refuse to tie anyone I Love down, but I want to hold and be held too. I can only move forward, and carry you with me the whole way.

     I can do that now. I'm strong enough to do that now. It was you that made me this strong. Well, it was God and The World, but it was for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkvOLB7Yzhs

As far as I'm concerned You Are Free and you always will be.
I don't know when or even if you'll ever read this, and that's fine.
And I'm sorry if any of this scares you.
But you know me.
This is my Leap of Faith for you.
And I needed to get all this out.
I had to get it out of my Head and into the World so I can stop thinking about it and move on along my path.
It may or may not make any sense but it's my story and I can't hold back any longer.
I want to reach my full potential.
I want to take the Fire in my Heart and all this random stuff I can do like write and write and write and Fly on my Wings somewhere and do something. Something real.
And I want to have a lot of fun along the way.
You can join me whenever you want. I'm always free.
If you ever do, you better be ready. It won't be easy.
You've got a ticket to The World with me Hayley.
My Love does not expire and my hand is forever outstretched for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg_U6Gb0C_k