Think More. Numb Less.

     Introduction:

Who knew there was a spider web waiting for me at home?

I fell in and got all tangled and stuck

The arachnids sensing the struggle and closing in.

But they couldn't touch me.

I have my Faith.

And I began slowly unpeeling the web.

I realized the web was always here

and I'd been stuck in it before

but never saw.

Now I can see the threads

and how they hold me

and how I can untangle myself.

Only then will I be able to escape.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkvOLB7Yzhs&index=3&list=PLXOQdhx3bnVeJYjy-JdAEG9GA4HhapqtA

     Reflection:

     I believe in Questioning Everything.

     Everything I'm writing today is all just my own conceptulization of The World. Someone could read this and decide it's all mumbo-jumbo and they're correct. Someone else could read it and perhaps learn something. They're right too. Whenever we take the intangible and try to explain it in words, as if we know anything, we're going to fail somewhere. However, everything I write is true for me, in my World.

     There are a lot of people out in The World and you don't have to travel to a new place every day to meet a lot of them, you just have to open yourself up to that. Lower your walls and talk with anyone that'll talk to you. If you judge them, you're going to have a much more difficult time listening to what they're saying. So some readers may question, "Well, why should I listen to a heroin addict? They don't have anything valuable to teach me!" I disagree. Aside from the however many years of experience they have that could contain useful information to you, at the very least they can teach you how they came to be where they are, so one listening may at least learn how to not be a heroin addict.

     Whenever anyone tells me anything, firstly I listen. I focus my attention on them and take in everything they're telling me. When I do this, I do not necessarily believe it myself, however I do believe them. That is to say, what makes sense in their World may not make sense in mine. So if someone tells me how, for example, Jesus saved their life, I absolutely believe them. Then I reflect on how that being true for that person applies to me. The additional idea which I apply here is that anyone could be in anyone elses shoes. For example, if The Universe decided that Bill Gates aught experience poverty and homelessness, that's what would happen. Best not to be too prideful in ourselves or our empires.
     Another example, when I listen to someone critique my life decisions and tell me what I have to do or what I should be doing, I listen intently. They are detailing to me the way their World works and expressing their perspective towards mine. I take it in, learn what I can, and keep what I decide is useful. If they wish to listen to me, I'll correct them on any assumptions they made and let them know that, no, in fact, I do not have to do what they tell me, and am willing to discuss the should of it, but also hold that it is not anyones' place to actually tell someone else what they should do. The only person that decides what I should do is me—though I am always open to guidance and advice.

     So to recap my strategy here:
     Step #1: Go out into The World
     Step #2: Lower walls. Talk to any/everyone

     Step #3: Don't Judge

     Step #4: Listen
     Step #5: Reflect

     Everyone has their own Will. Our Will is what we apply to The Universe to get what we want, or need. Some people call this manifesting, or praying, depending on how they do it. We can train ourselves—our Spirit—and build our Will. We can even fall to our knees and ask for more Will. The application of Will is another observable phenomenon. Will isn't just thinking really hard though. We Will with our Heart. You can think about $1,000,000 dollars all day, but it is what your Heart longs for that will Will that towards you, whatever it is.
     Additionally, some things take more Will to acquire. If you desire a pen, for example, that doesn't take a lot of Will. Pour yourself, wholly and fully, into finding a pen and see what happens. Conversely, if you desire a Yacht, that'll take more time and energy—more Will.

     Our Will has an effect on The World around us. We have to be careful how we apply it. You can Will stuff away from people. You can Will stuff towards people. Stuff being Anything from a Snicker's Bar to a Shitty Day to Wisdom and Fortune and Love. Anything. Most peoples' Will is on auto-pilot, as our wants and needs are greatly affected by what happens to us throughout our day. For example, Nancy might be walking down the street and a passer-by could look at her and say, "YOU'RE UGLY!" and now Nancy might feel a whole lot lower, so then she would want/need something to bring her back up, so she might seek whatever she believes that to be: Friends and Family, her favorite Rock Song, Ice Cream, whatever it's up to her.

     So this is all important for me to think about because, when I continue my journey and continue living atop my bicycle, I'm going to face lots of difficulties. I'll be brought down, now and then. I'll be hungry. I'll be lonely. I'll be alone. If I am to succeed in my endeavor, I have to make myself stronger. There are many lessons and bits of knowledge I must learn before I will be able to have more control over my Will.

     One issue I've struggled with is something many people in America struggle with: Food Addiction. I'm always hungry and I'm just always on the look-out for food and, here's where the Will comes in, making decisions that lead me towards food instead of more important things, such as Wisdom, Knowledge, and Love.

     I did not want to come back home mainly because my journey is not over yet and by coming home I felt it suddenly was—that I was defeated. In some ways I was, and my tragically fragile ego would not admit that, even as I was led figuratively kicking and screaming back here. The second reason I did not want to be here was because I didn't believe I was ready to return home. For a time, I proved myself correct, as I sunk into my old routines and pitfalls and succumbed to the temptation of overeating the delicious and unhealthy food around me, now abundant. I wanted to escape the environment, so I made plans to depart and announcements to others that would help me not back out for whatever reason, such as this embrassing facebook post:

Justin Heriot

October 4 at 1:21pm · 

Have not made a "status" in months.
Facebook can be useful but it just really isn't my thing.
And in that guise, I can write something here and thus make it so by imposing my own declarations on myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZOGlFdReMM

I'm home right now, but I'm trying to leave to continue my journey, but it's just so damn nice here.

So my plan is, leave once my phone charger comes in the mail, ride to Maryland (again) and go to my friend's birthday party, go to the Courtney Barnett show on the 15th, then finally take a train back to Chicago.
The only tent in the world I want is there.
It's gonna be a nippy ride to Maryland, haha!

     At least it was the right song to post.
     (Though my friend is disappointed now. Go me).

     But I just wasn't ready to leave yet. For a lot of reasons. And things keep happening in The World keeping me here. Then I realized, thanks to the help of the book pictured to the right, that if I truly want to leave here again, I have to be ready. I can't just go back out there blindly again.
     No, I don't need a plan. Not that sort of preparation. What I need is to face all of my impulses and addictions that continue to distract my thoughts and plague my Will. The afforementioned Food Addiction, my crippling need to be loved, my lack of focus and continued issues with self-image.
     I've been patted on the back, told "everybody needs to eat!" and "everybody needs love!" True and true. But I have to go ride through the wilderness, and I have to be strong enough to do that.
     So, my efforts to untangle the Spider Web in my mind which I found here thus far include:
     A. Meditate daily. Like, actual meditation. Figuring that out.

     B. Fasting during daylight hours. I only drink tea. I'm doing this until I leave home.
     C. Abstinence for a currently undetermined amount of time.
     D. Work on learning to Love myself (most important one).

     So after spending this significant of an amount of time here, I have to think about my venture as Part 1 and Part 2 now. We want to spiral upwards on our path, not downwards into the same old pitfalls, and not stay in the same place. To do that, I have to rise above my weaknesses. Even if I escaped from my home immediately as planned, or never came back at all, I would still be struggling to control my hunger, my ego, my thoughts, my Heart, and my Will. I have to, and I am, working on all of these things, here and now.

     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-IXwKgbhdE
     My plan is still the same, to pick up from where I left off in Chicago and head South down The Mississippi to escape the winter. I have to be in NYC on the 23rd, so I will potentially be at home until then, though honestly I don't even know anymore. Keeping in mind that I will not be returning home after heading into the city, I have until then to get myself under control here, and complete all the other tasks I feel called to complete here as well.

     I want to live independently. I want to help The World around me as best I can. I want my work to do that. I want to live in a way where all my efforts are leading me down the right path. The path that I want to walk.

     I don't want to be full of shit. I don't want to spout off some inflated narrative, trying to pretend that I'm not hoping whoever I'm talking to will give me food or shelter or just some company a while. I want to just be myself.

     Poetry:

     Some more old poems from before I first left
     I feel I've learned a couple ways to polish my words since writing these

     But I am struck as to their continuing relevance to my life
     As if the old me knew what I would need to know now
     And left me some notes
     Or maybe I'm stuck in a loop, unable to correctly apply all this information I've been jammed full of.
     I posted this back in April, but here it is again, Justin case.

     "Hardship. Love. Wisdom."

     The path before us is seldom clear.
     There is always an easy road—we don't even have to wake up
     But the greater the challenge the greater the reward.
     Thorns on the path pierce our flesh, and make it difficult to step
     So we grow callouses and walk on.
     Being alone on the path is terrifying, and weighs down our heart
     So we grow brave and press on.
     Traversing on the path less traveled, we can not prepare for what we do not know
     So we grow resourceful and continue on.
     But regardless of the direction we choose
     There will be times when we are brought low.
     When we are in need or want
     Our strength and knowledge having failed us.
     It is these times that we must ask.
     When you want something, ask.
     When you need something, ask.
     Ask and you shall receive.
     We only get what we ask for.
     But do not think to depend on this.
     Those who ask for everything
     Can hold on to nothing
     Those who always take the least painful turn
     Never gain the strength to carry what they need,
     Those who stay with others at every turn
     Never gain the independence to control what they need
     Those who follow another down all turns
     Never gain the wisdom to know what they need
     Those who make all these turns
     Never gain the freedom to decide what they need.
     They are doomed to forever ask

     for what they do not even want.

     And this one is arguably just musings, but whatever it made me think!
     Never bothered to title it.

     Ideas are energy and our brains are the conduit.

     It is ourselves we doubt

     What can we see with these limited eyes?!

     The spectrum is beyond our capabilities.

     What can we hold with these weak hands?!

     We are as small and fragile as the ants we crush underneath our awareness.

     What can we understand with these incomplete minds?!

     Our destinies are dependent on what limited data we can recall.

     Even the greatest among us, brought low by the failings of the machine we ride.

     How far can we take these things?

     Bone and Sinew

     The cosmos laugh
     We will never touch them

     They will watch us die and laugh as we flail.

     Or will they cry?

     Or are we one of them too?

     Or is the future undecided, the difference between transcendence and oblicion resting on the every decision ever made with these incomplete minds ever?

     That number is not infinite, just impossible for us to imagine or conceptualize

     What should we choose?

     How can we begin to understand?

     We are stuck here together, there is no escape.
     No way to not be exactly what we are.

     We either choose ourself or everyone.

     Is either even wrong?

     And I'm surprised I haven't put this one up before.
     I've read it a bunch—maybe I thought it was on here already.
     Never titled it either. Goes along with the first part of this weeks reflection.
     

     People who say
     the world is small
     have not truly explored.
     The vastness of this planet
     can not only be measured
     in longitude and latitude.
     Our Earth is filled
     with an inexhaustible
     amount of questions.
     There are far too many
     for us to figure out
     all the answers ourselves.
     We must exchange
     our expression of
     these lessons and ideas.
     So hesitate before
     you turn your head
     to meeting someone.
     Every single person has
     at least one thing
     that they can teach us.
     The homeless on the corner,
     the vagabonds in the rain,
     the others across the waters.
     Each has their own story
     their path to follow
     and answers to find.
     Any one could have
     the secret you are searching for
     if only you would listen.

     Pictures:

 I can't just let everything go.
But all I can do is put it back together with glue.

 Now that I've learned how to play the Harmonica a bit
I can jam with the fam!

 A professional photographer came by to take shots of some newlyweds.

 That looks like a fun job!

 I love this lake.
Have I said that already?

 I didn't get to swim in it this year
as I was gone throughout the summer.

 But just like I'll be jumping back into a colder world soon
I decided not to let some nippiness bother me.

 It's warm once you're swimming around in it.
Though I guess at a certain temperature you'd just freeze.

 To Reflect Upon the Lake.

 Vollyball and picnicing.
Life's swell.

 There are lots of little bars scattered around Connecticut that have little shows all the time.

 I just love to dance!

 I'm going to explore meditating in different places.
Bamboo thicket gets the thumbs up.

 I laughed when I saw these.
I don't even know who that second bill is from.

I'd feel like I was being robbed
if I was planning on giving an inch to this clearly inflated bill.
For the record, I do plan on contacting the hospital
and discussing a reasonable amount to be paid.

Another upgrade!
I took an old spoke and bent it around with some plyers and glued+taped a mirror at the end!

 Now I can see behind me!
I got the idea from the Bicycle museum in Ohio (:

 Bags are pretty much packed.
I'm healthy and able.

I could leave literally right now as I type this...
And yet something holds me in place.
Am I hesitating?
Looking for reasons to stay?
Or is there still something I have to do here?
I don't know what it is
but I'm trying really hard to figure it out

and step forward.