Thursday, March 22, 2018

Free And Unfettered—DOUBLE DRAGON BURNING LIONHEART



I always set out prepared
But there are some things you can't really prepare for
Even if you're aware of the possibility

I thought I'd made it
I thought after months of struggle and work and being alone and crying and running from others and BURNING
I thought I had made it
I thought I'd Heal

I don't Hate
But this Hat falls off my Head so easily right now

8888 is the Philosopher's Challenge
Almost there
Though we're only like half-way across the country haha


I'm Carrying all My Passions with me

 I actually Love sleeping in a different place every Night
I Love finding neat spots to camp
I actually Love scavenging for food or being given some
I Love finding magical places
I Love being out here

I Feel Alive.
I'm BURNING but I'm ALIVE.
This is how I Want to Live
Right Now at Least

I'm Just really imbalanced
And I know I Need Love
And I don't know how that's going to happen now
Or when
And I don't know how being in this state of being is going to effect me
And I'm worried I'm not going to be alright


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2doPfB5UnYc


I wish You'd at least understand
What I meant when I sang
"If you think I'm losing you you must be crazy."

A poem I wrote
Years ago
Before I left the first time

Goodbye

I brought you our child
She was a gift from The Universe
A reward for our efforts
We've both been working hard
to better our lives
And now we say goodbye see yah
Because we'll meet again some day
I know we'll meet again some day
I have to believe we'll meet again some day
What could I do if I did not believe that?
I can't complain
We're both getting exactly what we asked for.
You place my hand over our child.
I feel her pure warm energy radiating to us
as I feel your electricity pour into my being
Our heads bow together and touch
I can feel you.
I can hear you.
We are as one as two can be.
She shows us the secrets of our selves
Then why..? Free Will.
Then why..? Hardship. We are but children.
Then why..? We all want our story.
Our doubt completes the circle.
Were we ready for this?
I knew from the moment we met
Something was the same
You figured it out that day
Our Core
And though we are different people and our paths take us separate ways
Our Core will always remain
We'll be changed, grown, but
Our core will connect us again.


All the relationships I built turned to dust
I never wanted to lose anyone

I said goodbye when I left
I wanted to Be Free then
And I wanted them to Be Free too...
So I guess that's why I can't even complain

Like I don't Want people to read this and put any of them down
MY Mistakes

I Lost Everyone

Some things I figured out and understand
Some things I'm still grappling with
But I'm just so tired and Jaded now

It doesn't matter what I'm doing or how friendly or generous I am
Yeah I climb mountains yeah I'm a great person whatever
I gave a man all my magic peanuts the other day

Such Benevolence.
Much Giving.
Wow.
But it doesn't help soothe my charred Heart
It doesn't get me the Love I Need

I don't even know what I Need

I probably Need to Be Alone
And I probably Need to Burn



I had a Dream about You the other night
Well, a Nightmare
I've had way worse this one was just upsetting not soul crushing
I was upset enough it ruined my whole day though

And if it's at all true
Then it's upsetting enough to bring me to that place of a Cold Heart and Dead Dreams
That place where Love is defeated and so am I and That's The World and That's God and WAKE UP

I had slept in some bushes
Seemed like a Blue Bird had met its end there
I prayed and took three feathers
It was a nice day—Shorts and T-Shirt weather
Just days ago I was in Connecticut shoveling snow
There was some event going on I wanted to check out so I rode to the river walk to ride there
It's a beautiful concrete path constructed over the water on the side of the river
I hadn't seen it before because I never rode on that side of the river
(There's a beautiful dirt one on the other side of the river)
As I got to it another cyclist came up next to me
He was filming something for his video blog
He said his name was Jack
"Nice to Ride with you Brother"
We chatted a bit and he gave me an energy bar before taking his turn

I sat down at a picnic table
The sun was shining and people were strolling about
But it didn't matter
I just cried and cried
I guess You can read more about it in My Journal
Maybe You Will One Day
Maybe You're Gonna Die Soon
Or Maybe You're gonna Live a Long, Painful, and Unhealthy Life and there's Nothing I can Do about it because You aren't reading what I'm writing You and You Just Don't Care and I can't get You to and I'm Just gonna carry that around with me every day forever.

It'll Never Not Hurt

Most People don't understand that
And Good
I wouldn't want them to
Most People don't deserve that
I guess I do though
'Cause instead of destroying me I Rise again
Stronger
And 'cause of Jack

I guess

I prayed over the energy bar he gave me
I prayed that You'd be forgiven
I prayed that You'd understand what you're doing

And I wondered if my prayers will ever reach You
I wonder if You'll ever care enough to read these words
And I wonder how You'll Feel when You Do




So I've concluded that I must be open to new Love
Except I don't want it
I'm not asking for it
I've already written My Love for you all in My Blood
Figuratively and Literally
Except it doesn't matter
I'm just fucking trash
Leftovers
Beginning to Rot
Oh, let me explain what that means
Okay uhmmmmm NO ONE is going to want to have ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME because I have all this Love and Feelings for other women so I can either be completely dishonest and hide it all (it's not like I put it all on the internet or something) or I can just BE ALONE FOREVER—which has a negative effect on a person, y'know?
Like, instead of helping people and trying to work for my dreams, I kinda want to die.
Why am I alive? Why am I working?
I thought I was building the foundation of my future Home but it was actually a grave for myself.

The only thing left is this fucking Hunger but alkalasgdr  sahk; THERE IS SO MUCH SELF-HATE THERE RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DAMN IT MDAMDAS NJO j

I don't know what I'm doing anymore
I don't know what I want
I want this pain to stop and it's not going to and I can't do anything about it

She made the pain go away for a little while but she threw me away too and I don't want to just replace her and I just hurt her in the end and it didn't matter what I gave her...
Or did it?


BoyToy is one of my favorite bands—ever
The first time I saw them was in New Haven at my Dad's favorite spot Cafe 9
I was still trying to come out of my shell and learn how to talk to people

Months later, to prepare for my ride to Montreal, I rode to Brooklyn to see their show
Wow! What a ride!
Lightning Storms and Hard Rain and The Streets of Manhattan and The Bronx
Barely made it home...

I got to meet them that night
And I got a T-Shirt!

About a year after that
I had just left for the Journey and was in Philadelphia
(Did I write about this lol?)
Through a String of amazing serendipitous encounters I was invited to a Taco Tuesday party with some cool Temple U students
I was about to head out when I told the story of the aforementioned ride to Brooklyn, to which they responded, "Did you just say BoyToy?"
"Yeah..?"
"We're opening for them tomorrow!"
Blew My MIND
So I got to talk with them there and they're the ones who convinced me to go to Asheville AND...
Austin (:

About 3,000 miles later
During the month I was home after Chicago
We went to a show of theirs in Jersey

Together

That was the last time I saw them
But when I saw they had a show going on the same day my storage unit ran out
I knew when to buy my train ticket for


They have some new members now but the original gals remembered me from the past
I gave them the Blue Bird feathers and a CT grown Bamboo Pipe with the inscription
    B O Y T O Y   
The lead singer invited me to hang out with them while they played pool
I didn't really have any words for the moment
I Just felt really content chilling in the corner in the presence of these Rock Star Ladies I absolutely Revere
My top three favorite bands of all time are definitely Goo Goo Dolls, Courtney Barnett, and BoyToy
So in My Universe there isn't really anyone bigger
I was Star Struck once when I met Alice Cooper back when I was 14
This wasn't really the same
Probably because I feel like I'm on their level in my own Way
And at the same time trying to Just Be There and not think about stuff that's got me down...
Which I was actually able to Do
So yeah
Just kind of indescribable
Standing there watching them play Pool

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqcpGOyhdDg

I don't really imbibe—like ever
I certainly don't spend any money on it
I had gotten this can for free from the Comic Book Museum
I saved it though instead of drinking it
I snuck it into their show in my pocket
"Hey! We're drinking the same drink!"
"Oh yeah!" She said, "Cheers!"
And we bumped cans.
I'm going to remember that moment.
I'm going to remember it forever.



I Raged around to their music
Like—took over the entire front row Raged
Hope they didn't feel like I was trying to steal their show or anything
I Just wanted to stop being sad for a fucking minute
And I wanted them to see me
I wanted what I've always wanted
A circle of girls to be friends with
To be Loved and Accepted by.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w2B_COSTYY

After the show I went up to her
"Hey uhhhh, you gals need any help moving your stuff?"
"Nah, we got it."
"Yeah, you seem like a bunch of Tough Ladies. I don't need to worry."
"See yah next time ."

Then I saw someone that reminded me of You
They had your hair
So I went outside and felt Sad and Frustrated and gave away my magic peanuts but that didn't help so I sat by the trash for a while and thought about how I've never been able to meet people at these things and felt thankful for the time I spent from Philly to Chicago when I was Free and had a lot of fun just meeting people and making connections and all the cool stuff that'd happen—but that's all over now, 'cause I'm too hurt and I think too dark and maybe too old and hairy and I can't really talk to people like I used to 'cause my energy has been so deeply effected by all this I'm changed forever and unless you read my blog and my journals you're not gonna get it—even though I don't think it's that amazingly complicated it's just not what people want to hear.
Tragedy and Disaster.
But it's also Perseverance and Triumph
It's Struggle and Growth
It's Life
It's Love

I had one more feather I wanted to give to them, a white feather, but I gave it to a girl I danced with earlier in the show (which was admittedly pretty cool 'cause I Killed some dudes that were talking to her in that moment. Haha, fuck you guys) then hid behind a plant in the corner and wrote in my journal for a while.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QG097CCxSTw

As I was sitting there writing an old Asian lady came into the show with Roses to sell.
I recognized her from months ago. She was selling flowers on the street and I tried to give her food but she didn't want any, then I tried to buy a flower and didn't have enough money for one and my energy bothered her or something and she asked me to leave her alone.
So I was watching her walk around and for some reason all the guys at this show are fucking idiots and no one is buying a flower from her, and I had made two dollars from a pipe earlier the day before when I was crying at that picnic table and put the money in with my journal.
So she walks buy and I wave and try to give her the two dollars for a flower.
"Five Dollars! Five!" As she puts up her hand with fingers outstretched.
"I only have two..."
"Five!" And she walks away.
So I go back to my bike to check and I have exactly three more dollars.
One was from a while ago
And two were from a guy at the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New Haven that also had some Heartbreak goin' on, but was wearing the scarf from it all anyways, and I gave him the TRIUMPH pipe—only two dollars I made at that parade. I walked home through the cold 12 miles carrying food I'd rescued.
So anyways I ran and found the old Asian Lady in the crowd
"Five!"
To which I presented now five US Dollars.
She had several Red Roses in her hand
But I pointed to the one White one (with a tinge of Red) in her bucket
Then went back to behind the plant with it and my Journal
I finished writing—something about a Tiger dying—then sat there with my Rose
Knowing what I'm gonna do with it.

A couple minutes later a younger dude pops under the plant with me and is pretty friendly and just seeing how I'm doing
Which is nice of him and I always like to reward this sort of compassionate behavior
So I Give him the Rose
Which is what I knew I was going to do with it anyways (Give it to a Brother to Wish him Love)
Which he immediately Gives to a random person
I explain to him that was MY Rose that I just GAVE to him and that he shouldn't waste it and aught to give it to someone he Loves
So he runs off to go get it back
And I duck out the show and ride off and hit up a Smoothie Joint's dumpster and find like 4 smoothies and some really bitter Green Juice that I only drink half of because it's so bitter I'm afraid it's not even good for me, then stop at the ol' Tortilla Office and after cleaning up around the dumpster (because some idiot left it a disaster) I pull 7 bags of perfectly good chips out of it (six of which I give away the following day) then go sleep by my old campsite one more time.
Such a good spot.


The next morning I went back to my storage unit that was holding most of my gear.
It takes me hours to organize and load everything up

Which was extended by the hours of crying I spent inside the unit

Texas is fucking huge
I honestly don't know how I'm gonna make it like this

Actually, that's wrong
I Do know how.
Because I don't have any other choice.

I took the special hard cider can out of the trash and brought it over to where I was leaving some offerings. I prayed and expressed gratitude for special moments, including this moment in my life.

What I don't know is how I'm supposed to Feel right now
I'm struggling to have a positive attitude
Like I Need Help and no one can Help me because I can't let anyone Help me and I Just Feel Trapped

Not in The World in The World I'm Free as a Bird and Yes that helps a LOT
But trapped emotionally like it doesn't matter what I do I'm gonna feel Terrible and that's gonna bring whoever is trying to help me down so I Just put up all these walls so I can deal with it myself but now I'm trapped by them and nothing within can get out but I can't lower my walls or release this stuff anyways BECAUSE I WROTE IT IN BLOOD AND TEARS AND PUT IT ON THE INTERNET FOR EVERYONE TO SEE
There's a solidness that posting things publicly adds to a message
Wouldn't you agree?

But now here I am at my Threshold and I don't know what the hell is gonna happen.
Or what it all means.


Actually I was way worse when I went to meet Her and that ended up being Great!
She healed me and I taught Her stuff and we traveled together and it was honestly absolutely perfect

Like, we should have been recorded and our actions taken as a model for what folk should do when they're in our places...
Except that She abandoned me in the end and now I'm burning for three girls instead of two

So I can give one to the devil for a new one

Is that Love these days?

Or I can go for four

This is the limit of your capabilities already

Or I can stay in this current state of being for 

It's not fair to you


But it's Beautiful

But You Need


What do I Need!?

What do You Need?


I Needed Her to be okay

I Needed to hold Her Hand

I Needed to give Her my gifts

You Needed her Touch

You Needed her Love

You Needed her Forgiveness


I wasn't given any of those things

Not Enough


SO WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!?!?!?
Being a Man of Your Word is largely a matter of saying the Right Words
Or more often—not saying the Wrong ones
Words have Power
They express our emotions
They represent ideas
They have meaning
Don't throw your Words around like they mean nothing
Like they have no value
Because then they won't


by Nicholas McCann















I'm not always depressed and morbid and like hurrrr I'm all DARK and shit blubhlbhlubhlbhubl
I Still Laugh...












I posted some photos of this place before
Most Definitely my Favorite Place in Austin

I Just Love the Old Wood here

There is still SO MUCH I Want to Do and Learn
They were having a free class on Mushrooms
So I planned to go before I left Austin.
Here's what I learned!

This is an Oyster Mushroom
You take a Mushroom cap and put it on tin foil or paper and let it sit for a while
The spores will fall down onto the paper
This is called a "Spore Print"
You can use the Spore Print to find out lots of things about the Mushroom
Like if it'll Kill you or not

 
You put those spores in a sterile environment and give them Food Water and Air and they will start to turn into mycelium
The mycelium spread out and eat the food and grow more and more
Given enough time they will eventually Spawn a Mushroom Cap
You'll want to take the mycelium out before they start to do that though

 
If the environment in not sterile then Mold can get in!
Never fear however
For the mycelium will actually recognize the Mold as an enemy and Fight the Mold
And Win!
YEAH GO MYCELIUM!
But the fight will slow the growth of the mycelium down so better to keep mold away
Though I do wonder how conquering some mold will effect the Mushroom in the end...

 
 So when you have a bit of mycelium you can take it out of its environment and move it to some decomposing wood!
In this photo the mycelium is on some damp corrugated cardboard that has been ripped in half then rolled together like a Burrito!
The mycelium will grow even further and more rapidly here

 
You can also keep the mycelium within its sterile environment
In which case add in lots of food for it to thrive and grow upon

 
After a while you'll get these large hunks of mycelium
They are firm but squishy and smell pretty weird!

You can either put the hunks in a bag or a bucket with wood chips or lots of saw dust
With just the right amount of water and air
And keeping the environment as sterile as you can by filtering air flow
The mycelium will grow immensely!
Pictured is a Healthy Mass of mycelium in a bag!

When the mycelium gets lonely or otherwise feels like it it will begin spawning a Mushroom Cap wherever it feels is the best place

Then you can eat the Mushroom caps!
But don't forget to Harvest their spores first for more Mushrooms!
Hurray!
Mushrooms are Here to Help!

Some Mushrooms aren't edible but can be used in medicines
This is Turkey Tail

You can cut up the Turkey Tail Mushrooms then extract the medicinal enzymes within by soaking them in a tincture
Things have been tough
But my Love of Learning has not faded

I'll miss BuzzMill
Met a lot of folk here
Some friends too
Shared lots of art
Bamboo pieces and my Journal
Definitely taught people some things
And I Learned things too
And that's what it's really all about—Right?
Just being in a place where we want to be
Expressing ourselves
Being who we want to be!!!!

I AM
FREE
AND
UNFETTERED!!!!

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