Let. Go.

     Journal:
     So I haven't left yet like I wanted... But it's okay! I'm leaving in less than two days, on Wednesday! With a day picked out and just about everything ready to go, we can really feel it down in our bones. This is it!
     I've been thinking about voice in writing, and how my Journal and Story sections are sort of being written with the same voice and that's not really what I meant to do. Journal should be talking candidly, as if to someone else (you, the reader). The story should be a narrative; important things that happened in mostly sequential order, and aught to be either interesting, humorous, or at least have some lesson in the end. The Reflection should be deep thoughts pertaining to the lessons learned that week. I think I've been doing a good job improving this blog and I hope it continues to improve over time (but I'd love some feed back! Leave a comment!!). If you are reading this, thank you. And thank you for being patient. I hope you are as excited as I am as I make my journey to become the greatest writer I can be. On that note, I'd like to share that I have started my first book. I wasn't going to announce that until I put enough thought into it that I was serious about it but I know now that this book is something I have to write. More on that in the future.
     So for most of this past week, I've really been stuck in this perpetual "about-to-leave" place. That is, I've been there for months, since I decided I would embark back in September, but now "about-to-leave" is going to swiftly and violently become "left" and I have to admit—I have hesitated. Now I want everyone to understand that no part of me is considering not going. That is simply not an option for me. I want and need this journey with every part of my being. However, unlike months ago, there is now another want as well. These past couple months have been some of the most amazing of my life. I have learned so much, grown so much, experienced so many amazing moments, met so many amazing people... It is hard to let it all go now. A part of me doesn't want this period of my life to end! Of course I still want to hit the road but now there's a voice saying, "Awe, it's over already?"
     See if I had left in September it'd of been easy. Connecticut was a sinking ship and I was sailin' away! But my perspective is different now. I still think Connecticut sucks and still want to experience living in another place, but now I know that I could have been happy here. There would have been a lot of things for me to figure out so that I could live the way I want to live, but I believe with time I could have made it work. This is a fantastic development! In September, among the many reasons I had for wanting to leave, escaping was definitely one of them. I had to get away from all this because it was killing me. However, with time and my new found knowledge which only continued to grow over the months, I conquered, and now I leave victorious.
     It's still hard though, to let go. That has been my final obstacle. Y'see my parents, they struggle with this. Our basement is, and has always, been filled with a bunch of random CRAP. Just things. Old toys, grandmother's chair, the dumb Rock Band controllers. Things only accumulated over time, and I see it plainly; this clutter is my parents' biggest problem. They can kind of see it too. They fight about it all the time and have for years. It's weighing them down and stresses them out every day. However, neither of them knows what to do about it. Now I have to admit, I'm the same way. My room in the attic is a mess and has always been. Even when I moved out I left a bunch of stuff behind for people to have to deal with. See, I never learned the lesson from my parents because they didn't (don't) know it to teach it to me. We have to learn to let go. Monetary value, memories, the off chance that we might need or want to use something—it's not worth the trade off for the space! And it is especially not worth the trade off for all the stress and anger it causes in our lives.
     The whole process is really draining on me though so it has taken longer than I thought. Lots of emotions and memories with every little object. Every pen, every bag, every dumb scrap I collected... Lots of tedium and organizing too, my weakness (and not a lot of space to do it in). So many distractions everywhere, so hard to focus on the task, my other weakness. I can open up just about any of those books/comics I have up there and just get lost in them until I finish it or break free. There goes a half hour! There was a funny moment where I was deep in emotional and logical thought (pondering where my small collection of music cds aught to be placed) when I suddenly noticed a tiny drop of some mysterious liquid. "Ugh what's that!?" I exclaimed! That kinda brought me out of my head though and made me realize just how much mental energy I am using to do this task. I look at all these things and I don't know what to do with them and I'm trying to figure it out but sometimes instead I just feel like I just need a fucking English Muffin y'know? It's too much stress and I'm out of energy so I need some sorta boost here. My recent experiences with Claire and Lili and Hayley give me so so much energy but I don't want to use that for this. However, with all the "awe it's over already" plus the "holy shit I am actually leaving forever" emotions I could really use the help. If any of you read this from the depths of my heart I thank you. With all this torrid of emotions constantly embattled in my psyche, at times the task seemed insurmountable—and in the past truly it was to me.
     I had been putting it off for a while, the inevitable cleaning and organizing that I would have to do. I have been putting this off my entire life. But now it is a true obstacle on my path—I cannot leave until I finish this. I can't just leave this mess behind for people to clean up after me. I can't pass on the burden of letting go to anyone else. I can't just hold on to every little thing because I might need it one day, or because it's worth a couple bucks, or because when I hold it I remember that moment we laid in bed together and everything was simple and right... My father even offered to clean the attic for me. He saw the stress it was causing me so he offered to help. 'Twas very kind of him, but I knew right away I couldn't accept that. I have to do this myself. Plus, my father was just being kind. He is not able to do this, not yet... See I can't solve my parents problems for them, but maybe, if I show them what I have learned... If I learn how to do it right in front of them then maybe they'll figure it out too. Maybe when they see how much shit I throw away and how much of my old self I let go of and how fucking clean I make that attic then maybe they'll figure out how to do the same to the basement.

     We have to let go. I am leaving and I have to let go. I am leaving and everyone has. To. Let. Go. 


     Reflection:
     Well my first reflection is that this is the best blog update yet haha! I am adequately expressing my feelings and I have high hopes that a reader may understand how I feel. Hmm, someone who doesn't know me at all might have a harder time, but I'm getting there... This blog was such a great idea. Yup, feelin' pretty good about it!
      As we go through life we establish all manner of connections with people. Parents, teachers, friends, lovers, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances. Of course there's more specific connections too, like the bank teller you see every week, or that guy you cycling down that road every day, or the lady at the grocery store... When we establish a strong enough connection with someone, as I was writing about last week, we can begin sharing ideas with them. When we are with someone that cares about us, they should be seeking to understand us and learn about us as best they can. By understanding someone, we are more able to synch up with their energy and connect with them to a greater degree.
     I said last week that this connection creates energy, and that is love. But why?
     We are all on a path. The path each of us travels is unique onto us—each with its own unique challenges and lessons to learn. When we exchange ideas with another person and create that energy, it helps us grow! Wisdom changes us. Anyone can say, for example, "live life to the fullest" or "take care of your body" but that doesn't mean they'll understand what that really means, or how to apply it to themselves. However, when we see someone living in the way we want to live, or just having traits that we wish to have, we come to admire them. If we get the chance to observe their way of life, we have the potential to learn from them, and apply their good characteristics to ourselves, if that is what we want to do. When we do this, we change and grow. We become a different person; a better version of ourselves. When someone helps us along our path like this, they become a part of us. We cannot unlearn what we have learned from them. This growth is love.
     People come and go in our lives. The more people we meet, the more we grow. However, we can't hang on to every person that we encounter. We all have our own path to follow. We can't shackle those we love to ourselves and drag them along with us. If we want to continue to grow, sometimes we have to let go.


     Story:
     I awoke today groggily, as was the norm this week. I'd been staying up all night long and sleeping just around four hours. Too many things to do, too much time wasted already. My efforts had paid off though, as my attic was finally cleaned. Aside from the few things I still need to access, such as a bag of clothes and a bad, everything is packed away into a cubby for a life beyond my current challenge that I can not yet see. However, a giant pile of stuff was sitting downstairs, either in a garbage bag or stacked haphazardly, waiting to be dropped off at the local library or Goodwill. That and a few other errands were all I have left, so after loading the car up I set out to accomplish them.
     First, the dentist. I've been pretty sure that I've had a cavity for a while, and with no insurance I was really hoping I'd figure out some way around it. It's not like I don't want to pay, but medical costs are just so outrageously high, I feel like I'm being robbed. There are few things I hate more than being ripped off, and I will choose to suffer before I give up one of my hard-earned dollars for anything over-priced. For instance, I will never pay more than $1 for a bottle of water (and even that's too high really) no matter how thirsty I am. I will probably feint from dehydration before I let the injustice of over-priced water be abetted by me. Anyways, I want to be able to eat nuts and such when I'm forty, so I paid out $210 to get one tooth worked on (and that was apparently a deal). The drilling was a good experience though. I opted for no shot of numbing agent as I wanted to work on my pain tolerance. At first I winced and clenched my hands I usually do, but then I applied the new technique I've been working on of disconnecting from the feeling. It worked. Our body is a vehicle. Pain is just our brain communicating to us. It is the same as any other feeling. I relaxed my muscles and just laid there, letting the Dr. drill away and the pain move through me.
     This dentist I had been recommended to happened to be in West Haven, though I was probably drawn there for just that reason. I went to the post office and said goodbye to the nice worker there whom helped me sell much of my things the past couple months. I ran over to my credit union and said goodbye to the nice, albeit bored and asleep, tellers that helped me with my account there.
     -Note: I hit Undo and for some reason the last hour and a half of my writing was deleted and is just gone. That's pretty demoralizing, especially at 3:30am when I'm falling asleep at the computer. It's regrettable but here's just a quick summary of the rest of the day.-
     Went to Renzo Gracie to say bye again. Hit the bags a bit, skills have not waned. Cool. Gave massive comic collection to library. Librarian was really happy. Cool. Goodwill took all my other crap and I got some high-cal food at Trader Joe's for the road. Great. Got some cupcakes for Sandra and I, but she disappeared or something. Oh well. I've always sought solitude in nature to reflect. Rob and Janny had come by during the week to see me again and give me the gift of a special moleskine notebook. With notebook in hand, I headed to a special spot on the West Haven beach to be there one last time. I reflected, wrote some poetry, took in the moment, and watched the sunset. After that I trekked back to my mother's car and said my last goodbye to West Haven as I drove off.
(I wrote like two elogent pages so mad).


     Poetry:
     In my mad organizing I found an old Tanka I wrote (a longer version of a Haiku).     I wrote this years ago in college.
     It seems appropriate to share this week for that reason, even though it doesn't have anything to do with what's going on in my life now...
     Hmm... or does it?

     A duck among goose,
     eating and flying with them.
     Is it a real duck?
     White wings against brown feathers;
     for where will the hunter aim?


     And here is a new poem I just wrote today. I think it needs work but whatever! This is a space to share ideas not publish stuff:

     "Youth"

     People tell me I am young
     and I believe them.
     I believe them because I see those who are not
     I see those whose dreams are dreamt
     Whatever they had wanted from life
     lost
     never achieved
     given up upon.
     It is them whom I dread to become.
     I would die tomorrow, thankful
     knowing I did not fail the calling of my heart.
     To be old is but a state of mind!
     Our bodies decay
     but our spirits do not have to.
     I believe this because I have seen it.
     The Path is long and arduous
     but those who walk it and reach their end
     a place where they are satisfied
     without letting the world and all its trials
     weigh down their hearts
     find something there.
     We are born in a sunrise
     unique, brilliant, miraculous
     As the day goes on
     there are skies of clouds and of storms
     Skies of peace and blue
     Skies of wind and rain, too
     And finally, we have our sunset
     as unique and miraculous and brilliant
     as the day we lived.